Desperate Housewives (2004–2012): Season 5, Episode 7 - What More Do I Need? - full transcript

Lynette and Tom uncover an unpleasant truth about Porter that he is romantically involved with the blond, femme fatal Anne Schilling. Meanwhile, Gabrielle suspects Carlos' best massage ...

Previously on Desperate Housewives.

Can we start over?

It was a surprising day
for the women of Wisteria Lane.

Well, I was wondering
if you might want

- to have dinner with me?
- Okay.

He's giving her orgasms?

Not deliberately!

I can see we're going
to be great friends.

You are a vibrant, attractive woman...

Who hasn't had sex in two years.
That spells grandma to me.

Let me come stay with you
when I get out of here.

This guy thinks I'm out of commission,
and I want to keep it that way.

What's wrong with you?
You've been antsy all night.

I think I left the freezer door
at Scavo's open.

But it was an even more
surprising night...

Crap! It's my dad!

...for the Scavos.

- Where is she?
- Don't!

She isn't wearing anything, all right?

- Who is she?
- Just some girl from English class.

I'm gonna go in the bathroom.

You've got 60 seconds
to get her out of here.

There was a slight

in the Scavo house that night.

You see, someone in the family

was having an affair
with a married woman.

And Lynette Scavo
suspected her husband.

Hey. False alarm.
The freezer was shut tight.

Unfortunately for Lynette,
she was wrong.

- Liar.
- What?

I always knew things
could change between us, Tom.

But no matter what, the one thing
I always thought I'd get is your respect.

Lynette, what's going on?

I followed you to the warehouse.
I know everything.

Oh, boy.

Yeah, at this point, I think I'm
gonna need a little bit more than that.

You're right.
I shouldn't have kept this from you.

And for what it's worth,
I wanted to bring you in on it.

- Huh?
- But I was afraid you'd overreact.

That's what you were afraid of?

Hey, I'm upset, too.
But let's face it, boys will be boys.

I think I have to sit down now.

Lynette, are you really surprised?

It's not the first time this has happened,
and it definitely won't be the last.

You know what? I have to kill you now.

Well, he's your son, too.

- Who?
- Porter.

What are you talking about?

I found out Porter's been hooking up
with some girl at our warehouse.

What are you talking about?

And just like that,
the slight misunderstanding

in the Scavo house had ended.

Hey. What's up?

You're having sex
with your best friend's mother?

And a huge family crisis had begun.

Desire. It's an emotion designed
to lead us astray,

causing us to buy things
we can't afford,

encouraging us to sample desserts
we don't need,

and pushing us into love affairs
we're clearly not ready for.

I want you to call that woman and
tell her you are never seeing her again.

Her name is Anne.

Her name is Mrs. Schilling.

She was your T-ball coach
when you were six.

By the way, does your best friend
know you're sleeping with his mother?

We're keeping our relationship
from Kirby for now.

This isn't a relationship.
You are being used by this woman.

No, I'm not. I love her.

- Okay, that's it. I'm calling her.
- No!

What if her husband answers?

Gee, Porter, that's just one of
the pitfalls of dating a married woman.

Listen to me!

Mr. Schilling can't find out.
He's totally violent.

He would kill her.

Well, then you've put her in a
very dangerous position, haven't you?

Okay. I'll call her. I'll tell her it's over.

I'm not going to say that you know,
that'll just freak her out.

But you have to promise me

that you won't say anything
to her psycho husband.

I'm not promising anything.

So help me, if I find out that
you do something and she gets hurt,

I will leave this house
and I will never come back.

Oh, please. You would never do that.

Yeah? I've done a lot of things
you never thought I would do.


We won't say anything.

But if you don't end this,
you won't have to leave,

we will throw you out.

So, you wanted to see me?


Tell us, Charlie,

have you enjoyed working here
at Mrs. Van De Kamp's?

Yeah, it's great.

- You don't feel you've been underpaid?
- No.

Well, then perhaps you can explain

why you stole $200
from the petty cash box yesterday?

What? I didn't steal anything.

Charlie, we wouldn't accuse you
unless we had concrete evidence.

And thanks to my diligent partner here,
we do.

So am I, like, fired?

You're more than "like" fired.
You're fired.

And, of course,
we want our money back.

I don't have it. I spent it.

Well, then I suggest
you return your purchase.

Do you have a receipt?

Yeah, like pot dealers give receipts.

Well, you've just covered yourself
in glory on this one.

Just please, don't tell my parents.

I'll get you the money. I promise.

Can you believe it?
A thief and a pothead!

Well, at least we know now where
the 2 pounds of cookie dough went.

Oh, I gotta have one more.

Thank you for doing this.

Well, we needed to wipe
the slate clean, right?

Honestly? This is the best second
first date I've ever had.

Isn't it?

And knowing we're not gonna
have sex takes all the pressure off.

- That's something we know?
- Yes.

We're starting completely over.

So this time,
we're gonna do things right.

Which means what?

Well, it means no sex
until at least date four.

I want us to spend this time
really getting to know each other.

But I do know you.

- What's my least favorite word?
- Phlegm.

You're just guessing. It's "panties."

Although, some days it's "larva."
Or "chunks."

Well, I will try to remember that.

Now you tell me something
I don't know about you.

Okay, I'm a painter.

I sort of guessed that
when you painted my house.

I mean, I paint, art.

Like on a canvas, in a frame.

- Seriously?
- I went to art school in Paris.

And my professor had a beret,
so you know he was good.


- So now you're painting my bathroom.
- Yeah. It sucks.

But I've been blocked for the past year.

- Blocked?
- Yeah.

I mean,
I keep trying to start new pieces,

but nothing comes.

It's driving me crazy.

Well, I'm sorry things aren't going well.

But I'm glad you told me.

See, we're getting to know each other.

And we wouldn't have,
if we had spent the whole night in bed.

Yeah, now I'm creatively
and sexually frustrated.

First dates are awesome.

Jeez, Roberta, I know you hate
to throw anything away,

but do you have the garbage men
bringing you stuff now?

Pardon my French,
but what's French for "kiss my ass"?

So, you said Dave has a secret.

Now, how you getting that from this?
It's just a bunch of phone numbers.

Yeah, maybe just a bunch
of numbers to you,

but to a savvy sleuth with a keen eye
and the nose of a bloodhound...

Yeah, yeah, you're Miss Marple
with a bum liver.

So, what's he hiding?

Let me walk you through it.

Around the first of every month,
Dave gets a string of calls,

five or six, from this number in Boston.

They're all short, 10, 15 seconds.
My guess is he's not picking up.

Somebody's leaving him messages,
you know, bugging him.

Once a month, huh?

My guess,
it's an ex-wife looking for alimony.

Except it's not. You see this?

After a few days, he always calls back.

And who, you ask, is he calling?

A hospital in Boston. It's the office
of Dr. Samuel Heller, psychiatrist.

So, once a month
Dave whines about his life

to a Beantown headshrink.

Big whoop.

I looked up your Davey's doc
on the web,

he's not your garden-variety shrink.

He's a renowned psychiatrist
and published author

with a very specialized field
of expertise.

And that, my dear Watson,
is your neighbor's little secret.

Oh, lap of luxury,
how I've missed sitting in you.

Celia, Juanita, Chef is taking
fresh baked cookies out of the oven.

I can't tell you how nice it is to hear

the sound of children's laughter
in this house.

You know what I was thinking?
Why don't you all stay the weekend?

- Oh, we'd love to.
- Jeez, we can't.

Why not?

Celia's birthday party is Sunday.

We've got to get ready for it,

What's to get ready?
You buy a $9 sheet cake

and fling a pi?ata over a tree.
Bam, party time.

But I don't have a change of clothes.

My nephew left a whole closet
full of old clothes.

I'm sure something will fit you.

- Well...
- Carlos, just nod your head,

'cause I ain't leaving this pool.

Oh, good. It's settled.

Oh, Gabby,
your margarita's getting low.

I'll send Brandon out with a fresh one.

Thank you.

What are you doing?

What? You heard the woman.
She wants children's laughter.

And I want the lobster
the chef is serving for dinner.

- It's a win-win.
- I just don't feel comfortable with this.

Why not? I mean, look at this place!
It's like Shangri-La.

Wow, you're right.

The pitch black I see here is much
more dazzling than the one at home.

What is your problem?

My problem is that it's a bad idea
to mix business and pleasure.

Says the man who massaged her
into an orgasm.

Even more reason
to keep some professional distance.

Carlos, she's just
a lonely old woman yearning

for some friendship
and human contact.

And I, for one,
am happy to be that human.

Mrs. Solis, your margarita.

Oh, shoot. I can't reach it.

Hey, guys. Sorry I'm late.

Hey. Did you bring beer?

- Was I supposed to?
- No, Tom was supposed to.

Gosh, sorry.

I thought the two cases
I bought Monday

would've lasted
more than one rehearsal.

Boys, we're better off
not drinking today.

We've got a lot of work to do
and only one week to do it.

What are you talking about?

We are playing Battle of the Bands
at the White Horse.

Battle of the Bands isn't for amateurs.

You gotta audition.

We don't.

Edie's got a real-estate buddy
whose husband owns the club.

You're kidding.
We're playing an actual gig?

In front of people who aren't listening
just because I pay their allowance?

- Well, this is fantastic!
- Yes.

That means the pressure's on.

We gotta really rehearse
our cover stuff.

And we need an original song.

I don't know anything
about songwriting.

- I know a little bit.
- No, you don't.

It's fine.
Mike and I will write something.

- You got a little time later?
- Not tonight. I got plans.

Plans? What's her name?

Can we just rehearse, please?

You know, I heard that Susan
and Jackson broke up.

I heard they got back together.

It's not Susan.
Stop guessing. Also, get lives.

Whatever, Mike.
Just so long as you're having fun.

Hey, who said you can turn

the board around? Get back here.

No, just come out here
and show me some moves.

Sorry to bother you.

Just wanted to see if you needed
anything before I go off to bed.

No, we're good.

Sure you don't want to
order margarita number 12?

Sure you don't want
to shut your pie-hole?

It's so cute how you two bicker.

- Carlos, how do those pajamas fit you?
- They're perfect.

I hope your nephew doesn't mind
that I was wearing them.

He'll never know. We're estranged.

Oh, okay.

Anyway, we're good.
So have a nice night.

Oh, what's that?

- Some animated thing.
- I love animated movies.

The girls wanted to watch it.

So, we're kind of having
a family movie night.

Oh, that sounds like fun.

My heavens, is that penguin surfing?

Gee, I don't know.
I can't really see the screen anymore.

- Oh, dear, I'm being rude.
- That's okay.

There. That's better.

- Did she just crawl under...
- Oh, yeah.

And so there I was in ninth grade,

and my boobs had not
made an appearance.

I was desperate.

Here, let me refill that for you.

And so that's when I got caught
stuffing at the pep rally.

And six months later, kaboom,
I was voted prom queen.

Nice work, girls.

Stop that. Right now.

- What?
- The sex music. Turn it off.

That's not sex music.

We are not having sex
until date number four,

and this is date number two.

I know what it is.

It's just that you look
so hot in these pants,

and your hair smells so good,
and your eyes...

Look, I made you dinner! Come on!

- Jackson...
- I braised beef for you.

Do you know what a pain in the ass
it is to braise meat?

Okay, do you know
how sad it makes me

to know that you only braised it
to boink me?

You're supposed
to be asking me questions.

The point of all this was to get
to know each other better.

How is it going to make
our relationship stronger for me

to know that in the fifth grade
they sent you to the therapist

because you wouldn't stop
chewing your hair?

You know,
that was hard for me to share,

and the fact that
you just made light of it...

No, I'm calling
the second date officially over.

You know what? I was going to let you
feel me up over my blouse.

But now? Nada.

So, before we wrap up here,

we still need some chaperones
for the Junior Prom.

Anne Schilling is
coordinating the volunteers

and she could really use some help.


I know we're all busy,
but this is important.

We want our kids to have fun,
but let's face it,

if we don't keep an eye on them,

God only knows what kind
of trouble they'll get into.

Helen, Marjorie, you'll help?
Fantastic. Thanks, guys.

Hey, Lynette.

Do these meetings keep getting longer,
or do they just seem that way?

I don't know.

So, how's the family?

I haven't seen Penny in so long,
and all the kids are getting so big now.

I guess the boys will be
going off to college soon...

- Lynette!
- I know everything. Okay?

Look, I'm sorry,

but it's important for you to understand.

I love Porter.

So do I.

And if you ever lay
a hand on him again,

you'll find out just how much.

Oh, Bree. I've got good news.

Me, too. You go first.

I've hired a girl
to replace that thief, Charlie.

Well, are you sure she's trustworthy?

Well, she comes
with a strong recommendation

from the head of the local FBI office,
her father, who's Mormon.

Well done, Orson.

Thank you. Your turn.

The New Christian Reader
just published

an advance review of my cookbook!

"Mrs. Van De Kamp's colorful stories
of her upbringing

"show her upstanding values,
but her recipes are sinfully delicious."

They gave me four halos.

Then I think this is appropriate.
Holy cow!

I have to admit I had some reservations
about us working together.

But this has succeeded
beyond my wildest dreams.

We're quite a team, aren't we?

Yeah, and the best part is we get
to see each other all the time.

I know. Which makes the hardest part
keeping my hands off you all the time.

you can't be serious. Here?

This kitchen is the birthplace
of our triumphs.

What better place to celebrate them?

This counter's hard on my head.

Do you want me to stop?

- No, get me an oven mitt.
- Right.

Oh, much better.

Rise and shine, girls, rise and...

- Oh, my God, what are you doing?
- Gabby, it's fine.

We're just doing a little art project.

I told the girls they could decorate
the room any way they wanted.

I'm making a castle.

- It's stupid.
- No, you're stupid.

You're both stupid. Stop it!

Mrs. Hildebrand,
this is really nice of you.

But why would you want
to ruin your beautiful room?

Oh, it's not my room anymore.
It's their room.

- What?
- Yes, it's the room they'll be staying in

whenever you come to visit.

They're getting a new TV, bunk beds...

I'll have it ready by the time
you get here next weekend.


Next weekend,
Carlos and I have plans.

Well, I'll bet the girls don't.
I'll send a car for them.

I don't think that's such a good idea.

How about it, girls?
You want to spend next weekend here?

- Yay!
- Thank you, Mrs. Hildebrand.

- What did I tell you?
- Sorry. Thank you, Grandma.

Come. Hugs.

She told them to call her "Grandma"?

Yes. And that's why we're leaving.

After you told her
we'd stay all weekend?

- How are we going to do that?
- I don't know. Make an excuse.

Say you have some blind thing
you have to go to.

We have to be very careful here.

This woman has a lot of pull
at the country club.

Plus, we've got that Europe trip
coming up...

We are not going to
Europe with Grandma Nutjob.

I'm not walking away from $ 100,000.
We need that money.

Carlos, it's not worth it.
She's really starting to freak me out.

Damn it, Gabby.

I told you it was dangerous
getting chummy with a client.

But you wouldn't listen.
You had to stay for the lobster.

Hey, I seem to remember some
melted butter on your bib, too.

Now how are we getting out of here?

She knows
we've got Celia's party tomorrow.

I'll tell her we have
to go shopping for that.

Everything will be fine.

Sorry, I had to wait for my folks to go
to the store before I could sneak out.

What's wrong?

Are you okay?

I don't know what to do.

About what? Let me help you.

It's just all such a mess.

Wait, is this about my mom?

Did she do something else to you?
Did she call your husband?

- No.
- Well, then what? Tell me.

I'm pregnant.

Hey, do you mind
if I cut out early today?

I don't see why not. I mean,
everything's pretty much done here.

You can go now if you'd like.


Andrew, don't you look handsome.

Do I? Great.

Is something wrong?

You remember Charlie,
the kid you guys fired for stealing?

Well, he called
and asked how you could prove it.

And I said, "We've got
a surveillance tape, scuzzball."

Well, guess who stole
the surveillance tape last night?

That does it. We're pressing charges.

You might want to hold off on that.

Because, according to Charlie,
the surveillance tape is also a sex tape.


Yeah, he said it shows a couple
really going at it.

So any idea
who those crazy kids might be?

Oh, dear God.

Yup. Kind of thought so.

How could this be happening?

Before anything got serious, I made
a point of turning the camera off.

Wait. I turned it off, too.

I didn't see you do that.

No, you were looking for the olive oil.

Obviously, you turned it back on.

We need to get that tape back.

Yeah, well, break out your checkbook,
because he wants two grand for it.


Yeah, or he's gonna post it
on YouTube.

What are we going to do?

Well, first you need to decide
what your porn names are gonna be.

Okay, this is not a joke.

My book comes out next month.

My old-fashioned, traditional cookbook!

This could ruin me!

- All right, Bree. We'll just pay him.
- No.

I refuse to pay blackmail to some
hooligan who's stolen from us twice.

Andrew, all my life I have done my best
to teach you to respect God,

and the law, and never
to harm another living thing...

I want you to forget
every one of those lessons

if it'll help you get that tape back.

Wow. So, carte blanche?

Within reason.

We are not condoning arson
or violence or...

Orson, don't cramp the boy's style.

Okay, sweetie,
now don't forget to make a wish.

- Yeah!
- Happy birthday!

Virginia. What are you doing here?

I came to give Celia her birthday gift.

Well, she's a little busy
with her friends right now,

so just give it to me,
and I'll make sure she gets it.

I'm afraid that won't be possible.

You see, for my present,
I'm going to take her to a shop

that sells the most exquisite
antique dolls

and let her pick
whichever one she likes.

Well, she's not going to leave her party
to go buy a doll.

Well, of course not.
I'll wait on the porch till it's over.

Look, I'm sorry, but I don't want you
driving off with my daughter.

You know she'll be safe with me.
But if you'd feel better joining us...

You sure are making this hard.

I have tried to be nice,
but I am running out of polite here,

so I'm just gonna say knock it off.

I'm sorry. Knock off what?

This whole creepy, clingy,
"I'm your grandma" routine.

But I've come to feel like
a grandmother to the girls.

In three days. That's the creepy part.

What a hurtful thing to say.

Especially given how generous
I've been to your family.

Yeah, too generous.

It's like you're trying to buy us
or something.

Well, we're not for sale,
so just back off!

Who do you think you're talking to?

You wicked, ungrateful girl!

You're not the first greedy bitch
who's tried to bleed me dry,

and then wash her hands of me.

Okay, we're done here. Goodbye.

Am I not making myself clear?
Get off my property!

Gabby? What's going on?

I came to buy Celia a doll.

I believe
you've heard Gabby's response.

Virginia, please. Allow me to apologize.

I think it's a little late for that.

Thank you for a wonderful third date.

And I'm glad that you're back
on board with our plan.

Yeah, I really think I'm starting
to get something out of it.

Pop quiz!

Why did Kim Beale stop talking
to me in eighth grade?

You told Erin Connors
about her nose job.

Right! What time is it?

- 10:48?
- No! It's sex time!

- Wait, wait... Susan, stop.
- What?

We're not having sex
till the fourth date. Remember?

Jackson, look at me.
I'm tipsy, I'm horny,

I'm easier than
a 5-year-old's homework.

I'll call you tomorrow.

The forehead?

I hate to say anything, Stan, but
you are president of the country club.

You need to know that the way Carlos
touched me during my last massage...

Well, let's just say
it was highly inappropriate.

And that kind of behavior is
a liability the club can't afford.

I appreciate your taking care of it.

- Hello.
- Hello, is this Dr. Heller?

- Speaking. Who's calling?
- I'm Maggie Carr, Hilltop Insurance.

We have an applicant
for a new term-life insurance policy,

and he lists you
as a previous care provider.

I was hoping to
verify his medical history.

The name's Dave Williams?

Dave Williams?
I don't know a Dave Williams.

Well, sure you do.
You call him every month.

- How would Maggie know that?
- I'm guessing.

Who is this?

Give me the phone. Hi, Dr. Heller,

I'm Lindsay Thorne,
I'm Maggie's supervisor.

And she's confused
and about to get fired.

And we just need you
to confirm for our records

that you're treating a man
named David Williams.

What is your Medicare ID number?

I'm not sure. We're in the process
of converting to the metric system...

I don't know who this is,

but are you aware that
what you are doing is illegal?

Okay, look, we're just trying
to get some info on this guy.

He just moved to Fairview
and he's really creeping people out.

You're in Fairview?

Yeah. Why?
Does that mean something to you?

No. I'm just trying to
get all the info I need

when I contact the federal authorities
to let them know that...

Well, we really screwed
the pooch on that one.

Yeah, back to the drawing board.
Can I Irish that up for you?

It's noon somewhere.

- You got the tape?
- How did you manage that?

Orson, we don't need to know.

No, you don't.

But it's kind of amazing

what you can get a bunch of bikers
to do for a case of beer.

- Oh, my.
- Well, I'd better destroy this.

Actually, you may want to watch it first.

Why? I'm embarrassed enough as it is.

Humor me. I'll cue it up.

You watched it?

Well, I had to make sure
it was the right disc.

Here, just watch a little.

Oh, dear God. I can't look.
Really, Andrew.

Wait. Bree, that's not us.

What? Well, who is it then?

Wait, wait. He flips her in just a sec.

This is where it gets good.

- Katherine?
- And Mike?

Just so you know,
I'm never eating anything

that comes out of that kitchen again.


- Hi.
- Hi.

I'm declaring this
our official fourth date, okay?

The rules have been followed.
And you may begin disrobing now.

I'm kind of doing something right now.

Okay, I just ran
into your house half naked.

The only thing
you should be doing is me.

What is on your face? Is that paint?
Are you painting again?


- I thought you were blocked.
- I was.

But not having sex for a few days
kind of got my juices flowing

in a different direction,
so now I really need to finish.

So you've broken
through your creative logjam?

Congratulations. Why not celebrate by
ripping off my clothes with your teeth?

I can't. I'm not finished yet.

How close are you? 'Cause I can wait.

Wait, wait... No, don't look at that yet.

That's me.

Yeah, it's supposed to be.

That look on my face,
I've seen it before.

In the mirror, when I'm feeling...

How do you know about that look?

I know a lot about you.

I know your cheeks get red
when people say you're pretty.

I know that your eyes start to tear up

whenever you talk
about your grandfather.

And I know that when you're really sad,

you get that beautiful haunted look
that you try to shake off,

before anybody can see it.

I can't believe I ever thought
you didn't know me.

Well, I guess I should
let you finish this.

I'm sort of missing hands.

Actually, that is one detail
I could use some help with.


Unless you have a problem
posing naked.

Oh, come on.
I think you know the answer to that.

Hello, Katherine.

I thought you might want this videotape

from our surveillance camera.

- We have a surveillance camera?
- Yes. In the test kitchen.

Oh, my God.
So that means you saw me and...

Mike? Yes, indeedy.

I'm so embarrassed.
What you must think of me?

Let's not dwell on it.

I mean, having sex in the kitchen,
where food is prepared!

What kind of demented slut
would do that?

I said, let's not dwell on it.

Thanks for bringing it by.

Katherine, I'm sorry,
but I just have to ask...

Are you sure
you know what you're doing?

Meaning what?

Meaning, Susan is your oldest friend
on this street.

She divorced him, Bree.

And she's seeing someone else.
Why can't Mike do that?

Because she's your friend.
And we're women.

We don't do that to each other.

Look, I've been alone for five years.

I'm finally in a relationship and
you're trying to make me feel guilty?

Is that what I saw on the tape?
A relationship?

I don't know what it is.

All I know is
I'm having the time of my life.

Fair enough. But just be careful.
I mean, this is very complicated.

I'd hate to see it end badly.

Hey, breakfast's on the table.

Porter, this whole hating me thing
that you've got going on right now,

believe it or not,
I get where you're coming from.

I don't hate you.

But, one day, you are gonna meet
someone more appropriate,

someone who wants the same things
that you do out of life.

Then you are going to
know what real love is.

And when you do, I hope you will
finally see where I am coming from.


It's me. Can you talk?

Hey, Gary, I'm running kind of late.
Can I call you later?

Just listen. I can leave town Saturday.

- You have the money, right?
- Yeah, no problem.

I love you.

I know where
you're coming from, Mom.

And I want you and Dad to know

that I really appreciate everything
you've done for me.

Good. I'll see you downstairs.

Desire. It's an emotion
designed to lead us astray,

persuading those who crave love
to make foolish choices,

causing those who yearn for family
to act out in anger,

allowing those who are lonely

to behave in reckless ways.

And when the pursuit of our heart's
desire becomes an obsession,

the best we can hope for is
a caring friend willing to come along...

Hi. I'd like to book
the next flight to Fairview.

...and stop us.