Desperate Housewives (2004–2012): Season 5, Episode 5 - Mirror, Mirror - full transcript

Desperate Housewives S05E05 Mirror, Mirror (Une soirée pleine de surprises) (VO&VF+STFR&EN)

My name is Bree,
and I am an alcoholic.

Bree put her problem behind her.

There's at least one employer
who'd love to hire me.

Who?

- Orson asked for a job.
- You.

Dave lost his temper...

Damn it! I said no!

- and aroused the suspicion...
- This guy is up to something.

of his neighbor.

It was all Karen Mccluskey's fault.



She kept asking me all
this stuff about your background.

She reminds me of my grandmother
when we first started to notice.

- The dementia, that is.
- You think Karen's going senile?

It could have been
such a lovely evening.

The idea was to have
a surprise birthday party.

People would bring food and gifts

and wait in the dark
for the guest of honor to arrive.

But it turned out to
be a night full of surprises,

the kind most people don't care for.

Damn it. Why do you
have to be such a buzz kill?

Why can't you,
just once, give me a little support?

Fine.

I'll get you a towel.

For what?



If I was with another woman,
that wouldn't bother you?

No, it wouldn't.

I'm sorry that I lied,
and for what it's worth,

the guilt has been tearing me apart.

Get your hands off me,
you selfish son of a bitch!

You're putting me in
an impossible position.

Then let me make it simpler for you,

I want a divorce.

Oh, yes.

It could have been
such a lovely evening,

but this was one
party that was over...

before it even began.

You think you can screw with me?

Moments before
she was to leave for the party,

Gabrielle Solis was at her mirror,

halfheartedly putting
the final touches on her lips.

A problem
had come to her attention...

Damn.

One she couldn't gloss over.

Mommy, what are you doing?

Mommy has
a friend who visits her every month,

and she's late,

- and that's bad.
- Why?

Because she's the one who assures me

that you won't
get a baby brother or sister.

- But I want a little brother.
- I don't care.

Sorry...

Mommy really misses her friend, and,

mommy's gonna be really sad
if her friend doesn't show up soon.

Go downstairs and play.
Mommy has some praying to do.

I have your test results.

Congratulations. You're pregnant.

Mrs. Solis.

I don't care.
You told me this couldn't happen.

You said it was impossible!

The human
reproductive system is complicated

and often unpredictable.

Sometimes miracles happen.

This isn't a miracle.
This is a disaster.

My husband's blind.
Neither one of us have jobs.

- My husband's blind.
- Trust me.

Children are a blessing.

You'll see. It'll all work out.

I hope to god you're right.

- What does this number mean anyway?
- That's your beta number,

and it's high, which
indicates the possibility of twins.

Relax. This baby is gonna be the best
thing that ever happened to us.

I am so sick of everybody
looking at the glass half-full.

The glass is empty,
people, and so is our bank account.

Is that what you're
worried about, money?

I'll get a job.

What are you gonna do,

take up piano
and get a contract with Motown?

Actually,
I was thinking about becoming a masseur.

You don't need your
eyes for that. It's all about the touch.

I guess that's
not the worst idea you've ever had.

But it's not just about the money...

After my miscarriage,
I gave up on this dream.

I just figured God decided

I couldn't possibly be a good mom,
so he didn't make it happen.

He obviously changed his mind.

I wish he'd stop doing that.

Nobody likes a fickle God.

Babe, believe me.

You getting
pregnant is... a one-in-a-million shot.

It's a miracle.

Let's embrace it and celebrate.

Hello, Mrs. Solis.

I have your test results.

Great.

Do I have anemia?
Is that why I've been so tired?

Not exactly.

And please don't slap me.

- I'm pregnant!
- Oh, my god.

It's another miracle.

We're up to two miracles,

and if you come back from the dead
after I kill you, it'll be three.

Why you mad at me?

"Oh,
gaby, why do I need to wear a condom?

There's no
way lightning's gonna strike twice."

I didn't think it would.

Put the baby down, Carlos.

I don't want to.

Do it. I need to
hit something, and it needs to be you.

You are looking at this all wrong.

This is one-in-a-million.

We should celebrate and embrace...

Cram it, you fertile freak!

You're getting a vasectomy.

I can't do that.

We're catholic.
It's against our religion.

I got news for you.
We just converted to judaism.

Problem solved. Mazel Tov!

It's not just that.
There are other reasons...

I am done fighting
off your bionic sperm.

You're getting snipped,
and that's final.

You're awfully quiet tonight.

Got a lot on my mind.

I think I'm pregnant.

- What?
- I know. It's crazy.

You had a vasectomy.
It's impossible.

So what makes you
think you're pregant?

My period's late, that never
happens to me. I'm like a swiss clock.

Come on. There could
be a lot of reasons for that.

Let's not worry about it. We're going
to a party. You gotta lighten up.

- But I'm gonna talk to Bob.
- Bob? Why?

Because he and Lee are here.
Bob's an attorney.

I'm gonna get him to sue the quack
who obviously botched your vasectomy.

Let's not go there.
Hiring an attorney's expensive,

and I don't know
that we can prove anything.

I'm gonna find out.

Fine.

But...

Let's not talk to Bob.

I don't want our neighbors
involved in our business.

Don't worry. He's a professional.
He'll keep it confidential.

Gaby, no. You can't talk to him.

- Why the hell not?
- I never got a vasectomy.

Hi, guys. Welcome to the party.

Earlier that evening, as
she waited for her guests to arrive,

Susan Mayer took a
moment to do her eyebrows.

Of course, she had no way of knowing

just how how high those eyebrows...

Sorry I'm late.

Would soon be raised.

What took you so long?
People are gonna be here.

I need you to pour the cheap vodka
into the expensive bottles.

I couldn't find my pants. I'm here
so much that when I go back to my place,

- I can't remember where anything is.
- Just please change your shirt.

I've been thinking that,

- I spend so much time with you anyway...
- Fine.

You can have a little
space in the closet.

I think I've got some clothes
from the '80s I'm ready to part with.

Actually,
I'm talking about moving in.

Moving in? Here?

Yeah. That's where we're headed.

We should take the plunge.
What do you think?

Obviously, this is the bedroom.

Right. Do you want to stick
with this color or switch it up or what?

I don't know.

I'm sort of going through a,

difficult transition
in my life right now.

I need a change.

I was thinking....

taupe.

Sounds good.

I like this place.

It's got a good vibe.

Thanks.

And a nice scent.
What is that, your perfume?

Get out.

Excuse me?

I was not born yesterday, pal.
You're coming on to me.

No, I'm not.

Please. Telling me I smell good?
I'm not even wearing deodorant.

- I said the house smells good.
- Semantics.

And then the not so subtle
sit-on-the-bed maneuver?

Why not just ask for a massage?

I sat because my feet hurt

from you dragging me around for an hour,
telling you wanna paint every room taupe.

You said you liked it.

You're obviously going through
a rough patch. I was afraid

if I suggested anything outside the beige,
I might send you over the edge.

I'll let myself out.

Don't go.

That was very sweet of
you to consider my feelings.

You know what?

You're hired.

Thanks...

I think.

So do you need to look
these over one more time?

Then just sign them,
and you'll be officially divorced.

You know what? We need a minute.

Take your time.

Are we doing the right thing here?

You're kidding me, right?

Once we sign these papers,
there's no going back.

I can't believe this.

You were the one
who called the lawyer.

I know.

I'm thinking...

that maybe that was a mistake.

We've been separated for a year.

All we're doing today
is making it official.

We wouldn't be here if it weren't
for that accident. You know that.

Before that, we were good.

We could get back there.

It's nobody's fault,

but I can't do this anymore.

Come on!

We were Mike and Susan, remember?

You only get one of those

in a lifetime.

We could make things right again.

And here's how.

You're back.

What do you think?

It looks good.

I think you were right to stick
with this color. It looks fantastic.

Thanks.

Do you like scotch?

I need to be honest about something.

Honest?

I don't usually
do this kind of thing,

hook up like this, out of the blue.

Not that it wasn't great,
'cause it was,

but I'm not really
looking to start anything.

Work is crazy,
and I just got a dog, and...

I'm just not in
that place right now.

So just to be clear,

you're saying you don't
want a relationship?

Sorry.

I probably should have
said that right up front.

It's fantastic.

Really?

I don't want a relationship either.

All I want from you
is exactly what we just did.

Except next time,

it's Susan.

"Mrs. Mayer" was probably
a little formal for the moment.

There's gonna be a next time?

Unless you're not interested.

Are you kidding?

I'm this close to doing
a victory lap around the bed.

You're really fine with this,

a purely physical thing?

I gave romance a shot and...

I'm ready for something
a little more casual.

I've heard of women like you, but...

I thought you were an urban myth.

Did you hear what I said?

You want to move in.

It's just that,
when I'm not with you,

I'm waiting to be with you.

I've never felt like this before.

So... what do you think?

Do you want to live together?

That's it? Just no?

You're not gonna give me a reason?

What's wrong with the way things are?
Why change everything now?

Because...

I've fallen in love with you.

Hi, guys. Welcome to the party.

The last thing Lynette
Scavo did before a party

was to check for gray hairs.

Let's go! Time for bath!

She had no way of knowing
before this evening was over,

she would have a few more.

If you're thinking of taking
that for a spin, I've got bad news.

You're 9.

What's the matter, sweetie?

Is daddy dying?

What?

Of course not.
Why would you say something like that?

I heard Porter and Preston
fighting about

who's gonna get daddy's
car when he dies.

They're just being silly.

They're always silly.

That's why we won't be sad
when they move out of the house.

Come on.

But everybody dies someday, right?

Yes, but daddy's gonna
live to a ripe old age

unless he doesn't get home
in time for mrs. Mccluskey's party,

and then all bets are off.

Daddy's gonna be fine.

Hi. My husband...
I'm Lynette Scavo.

- Dr. Baron called me...
- I'm dr. Baron.

Hi. What happened?

Your husband was working on
an electrical panel at his restaurant...

and received a massive shock.

Essentially,
his heart stopped pumping.

Is he...

Fortunately, there was a
policeman eating in the restaurant.

He administered C.P.R.
until the ambulance got there.

So he's okay?

His heart restarted.

Now it's a matter of determining
if there's any tissue damage.

We're optimistic,
but the next 36 hours are critical.

I'm thinking,

no more electrical work, okay?

The kids know everything's fine.

They send their love.

Don't worry about anything, okay?
Just rest.

I'll come back soon, okay?

You know what I thought?

When I was lying there on the floor,

I thought, I'm gonna die,

in a pizza place.

My whole life was gonna be summed up
with this obituary headline:

"Local pizza shop owner dies."

But it doesn't matter
because you're not dying.

I need more...
There's gotta be more.

We'll find more.

Just rest now, okay?

Hey, sexy.

Drop the rake and get in.

What the hell is this?

This is the car
that I have wanted my whole life.

When I was 12 years old,

I had a poster of
this baby up on my wall.

And when I was 12,
I had a poster of Shaun Cassidy,

but you don't see me
driving around in him, do you?

- I want to show you something.
- What,

do machine guns come
out of the headlights?

I carry this around to remind me
of the day that I almost died.

That day you promised
me that we would find more.

I'm keeping the car.

So do you want a ride?

Where have you been?

So help me,
if Mccluskey gets there before us,

- I will brain you.
- Sorry, let's go.

Sweetie,

we already got Karen a candle.
An R.V. might be overkill.

That's not for her. That's for us.

I'm about to blow your mind.

Don't. I like my mind the way it is.

What would you say to the idea

of taking the kids
out of school for a year

and bopping around the country
in one of these sweet rides?

I might not say anything.

I might just put my finger to my ear
and twirl it in small circles.

- We can't do that.
- Yes, we can.

We can do whatever we want.
Life is short.

Let me ask you one
tiny question about this

big adventure plan of yours.
Who's gonna be running our restaurant

while we're off doing the
electric kool-aid acid test?

That won't be our problem.

The last few weeks, I've been talking
to a guy from Passentino's pizza.

They want to buy us out.

This afternoon,

I said yes.

Hey, guys.

You ready to party?

Moments before she was
due at her friend's party,

Bree Hodge was at the mirror,
applying her eyeliner.

Aren't you dapper?

When I tell everyone I'm your
new partner, I want to look the part.

It would not be the last time
that evening Bree would find herself...

Actually, dear...

drawing a line.

I'd rather you not
talk about the job tonight.

But, this is the
first party in months

when I can answer the question, "what's
new?" without mumbling into my drink.

It's just vulgar to
discuss business at a party.

You haven't told Katherine yet,
have you?

It's not that easy.
You know she'll be furious.

Yes,
but the great thing about Katherine is

she'll express it so passive-aggressively,
we'll hardly notice.

I know she's your friend,
but she's also our employee.

Why is this so difficult for you?

It's... complicated.

Another dead soldier.

Careful, dear.
You don't want to be ill tomorrow.

Nothing like a headache to spoil
a perfectly nice first day in prison.

Would anybody like
some more frittata?

Is my wife amazing or what?
How many inmates get sent off

with a festive champagne brunch?

When you're in jail, you might want to
avoid words like "festive" and "brunch."

They kind of say, "Hi.
I'm husband hunting."

- Andrew, please.
- It's fine.

This is my last taste
of freedom for three years.

I want jokes. I want fun, laughter.

Anyway, prison won't
be such a big change.

You're a dentist.
You're used to cavity searches.

You vowed to me
that you wouldn't say that.

Bree tells me that you're going
to make very good use of your time away.

Yes. He's going to read
a lot of classic books,

maybe study a language.

He can learn the italian for,
"I cost five cigarettes.

Andrew, really.

He's joking. Everything's fine...

Except my glass,

which seems to be empty.

For God sake. Get up.

We have the garden club lunch in...

You've been drinking?

Go away. I don't feel well.

We have a lunch to cater.

I'm too tired. Can you do it?

Get up.

When did this start?

When Orson left, I...

began having a glass
of white wine now and then.

Then when Danielle took Benjamin,
I didn't see any reason to stop.

Is this why you missed
the lunch last week?

And the Braverman Bar Mitzvah?

I can't help myself, all right?

My husband's gone. My son's gone.
I have nothing left.

No, actually,
you have a lunch for 40 in 3 hours,

- and I'm not letting you out of it.
- Katherine, please.

You have a void in your life.
Welcome to the club.

Don't fill it with wine.

Fill it with work,
with accomplishments.

Just think about the woman you could be
by the time Orson gets back.

Or is this the woman,
you want him to come home to?

He's gonna be so ashamed of me.

No, he won't...

because you're not gonna tell him.

You know he'd just blame himself.

I don't know if I
can make it this time.

Yes, you will,

Because I am moving in.

You would do that?

When I had nothing,

you made me your partner.

I'm not gonna forget that.

I am gonna get you through this.

And when we're done,

that scary woman over there,

she's never gonna be
seen in this house again.

When you think about it, tonight is the
ideal time for you to tell Katherine.

The presence of the other guests
will keep her from causing a scene.

- As word spreads that we're partners...
- How is word going to spread?

I'll be spreading it.
People will be congratulating me,

and Katherine will have
to join in and risk looking petty.

She'll be twice as mad
having been put in that position.

- I am not telling her tonight.
- Fine. Then I will.

No, you will not. I forbid it.

For a partner, you're sounding
a lot like a boss. I am telling her.

If we can't agree on something this
basic, maybe we shouldn't work together.

What are you saying?
- Maybe you should joining the company.

- I have no intention of reconsidering.
- Fine. You're fired.

Hey guys. You're ready to party?

The party was in full swing,

and everyone was waiting
to surprise the guest of honor.

Little did they know,

an even bigger surprise
was on its way.

Sorry I'm late.
There was a line at the bakery.

You really went all out.

She deserves it.

Can I help you, Mrs. Mccluskey?

This letter for Edie
came to my house by mistake.

I'm making sure
that none of my stuff came here.

It's all yours.

- Anything interesting?
- Fortunately, no.

I just saw your
friend Karen outside.

- Is she still asking you questions?
- A few,

but don't take it personally.

Prying is what people too old
to have sex do to keep life interesting.

She's turning 70 next week.

No kidding.

We should throw her a party.

I'm already taking her out for a drink,
that's plenty.

She'll be 70. Don't you think
that calls for something bigger?

Karen's a friend,
but I don't like having her in my house.

It would be one thing if we had
a bathroom with a window, but...

Couldn't you ask
someone else to host it?

I suppose I could
palm it off to Mayer.

Good.

Tell her we'll supply
the food and liquor.

Karen's not a fan of yours.
Why do you want to throw her a party?

It's a big day for her.

I just want to make
sure it's special.

So...

What do you think?

I think that is one hell of an outfit
to wear to a 70th birthday party.

It's my gift to Karen.

I figure she'll get at least
five good boob jokes out of it.

She'll be here soon,

So let's go over this one more time.

I take her home,

then I come up with some excuse to
get her over to Susan's, where everyone

jumps out and yells, "surprise!"

Which I still say isn't
the smartesthing to do

to a 70-year-old.

Mrs. Mccluskey.

Happy birthday.

Jeez, are we going
for drinks or mammograms?

That's one.

Let me grab my earrings,
and we're good to go.

So...

70.

It's quite a milestone.

How's it feel?

No big whoop.

Edie told me that she takes you
out for a birthday drink every year.

I think that's a great tradition.

I'm just trying to be friends here.

All righty then.

I'll see you later.

Come on. Let's go.

I've got enough friends.

- Where's Karen?
- She'll be here as soon as

she gives her cat some medicine.

Do I you think she'll be surprised?

Absolutely.

What the...

Just so I'm clear, you want
us to sell our thriving business

so we can live in a bus,
like carnies?

Come on. This is cool.
We can go wherever we want.

The kids could see america.

And when we start stealing
to support ourselves,

the kids can see the inside of a prison.
You're right. It's a brilliant idea.

Damn it. Why do you
have to be such a buzz kill?

Why can't you,
just once, give me a little support?

Fine.

I'll get you a towel.

For what?

Bree, you can't fire me.

Not after all the
sacrifices I made for you.

Stop throwing jail in my face.

Your cellmate was a crooked C.P.A.
who helped you form a bridge club.

- It wasn't exactly Attica.
- I need this job.

Do you have any idea what
it's like to wake up every morning

and have no reason
to get out of bed?

To smile and nod at neighbors
who know your wife's supporting you

because no one will hire a felon?

I am drowning,

and for you to throw me a lifeline

- and then snatch it away...
- I should've never offered you that job.

- It wasn't fair to Katherine.
- I am your husband.

Why are you putting Katherine's
feelings ahead of mine?

Please. You're putting
me in an impossible position.

Then let me make it simpler for you.

I want a divorce.

Katherine, great dress.

You're gonna turn
some heads with that one.

I hope you're enjoying this party, 'cause
you're not gonna live to see another.

I'm sorry that I lied, for what it's worth,
the guilt has been tearing me apart.

You know what's gonna tear me apart?
A 10-pound baby shooting out my hoo-ha.

Honey, look at it this way,
God blessed us again

because you are such a great mom.

Get your hands off me,
you selfish son of a bitch.

I told you I love you.

Doesn't that mean anything to you?

Yes. It means that someone forgot

that we had an agreement
to keep things casual.

So if we're not in a relationship,

if I was with another woman,
that wouldn't bother you?

No, it wouldn't.

Quiet, everyone.
She's coming. Move it.

Surprise!

You think you can screw with me?

What do you mean?

- What the hell are you doing?
- Ask that husband of yours!

- Let's not be doing that.
- That man broke into my house tonight!

- What?
- Yes, he moved things around,

he took a picture off the wall, and
then he put the table next to the couch,

and the dish for the keys...
It's always by the door.

And that's not the first
time he's broken in either.

He stole my cat,
and then he put him back.

Why would I do those things?

I hate to say it, but you're
not making a lot of sense right now.

Maybe you need to lie down.

I think we should call 9-1-1.

Let go of me!

Why are you all
acting like I'm crazy?

Halle-damn-lujah, I got my period!

Was she surprised?

She seemed totally disoriented,

babbling.

I just hope it isn't dementia.

She lives by herself.

We'll alert the hospital.
We're gonna need a psych evaluation.

Thank you.

Poor Karen. I hope she's okay.

Yeah, me too.

We should probably talk now, huh?

Yeah. Let's talk.

Does this relationship
have a future?

What we have here has
been working pretty well.

Answer the question.

Can't we just keep
going the way we are?

And there's my answer.

It seems like they're
taking good care of her.

I hope you didn't mean
what you said earlier.

You just don't understandwhat
I owe to Katherine.

You're right. I don't.

You started the company and gave
her a job when she needed one badly.

Why are you the one who owes her?

You know that...

brunch we had for you right
before you left for prison?

I was very tense,

and I was very unhappy.

So I had...

a glass of champagne.

She's tough.

I'm sure she'll be okay.

How about the crazy married
couple throwing drinks?

How are they gonna be?

I just thought that you got it,
that you,

knew what I was going through
after accident. Obviously I was wrong.

I get it.
The sports car, the garage band...

Maybe what we need now,
is for you to get it.

I was the one laying on the floor
with a cop pounding on my chest.

And I had cancer. I get it.

You want your life
to count for something.

Exactly. I just don't want
to keep making pizzas every day

till I drop to the floor for real.

I want my life to be exciting.
I need adventure.

Scavo's was the adventure.

We changed our whole lives
so you could live out your dream.

And now you're bored.
We can't keep doing this.

We can't keep throwing
all the cards in the air

every time you get
a little restless.

Let's call it a night.

We have to work tomorrow.

Are you coming?

I'll come when I'm ready.

Did she really need an ambulance?

I don't know.

But you would have if
I hadn't started my period.

How could you have done this?

Isn't it obvious?
I want another kid.

We can't handle another kid.
We're living hand to mouth as it is.

That's what you said before
we had Juanita and before we had Celia,

and somehow we manage.

Can you imagine our
lives without them?

Of course I can't.

How could you have lied to me?

I just couldn't shake the idea that

maybe god had one more
miracle in store for us.

Maybe a son.

And we have so much love in our lives,
I got greedy, and I wanted more.

But you're right.

It was selfish and stupid,
and I am so sorry.

I will call tomorrow
and schedule a vasectomy.

Or...

we use birth control,

and I'm talking double-bagging.

At least until we both
decide it's a good idea.

I think I gotta kiss you.

And until we get a box
of condoms in that house,

that's all you're gettin'.

What's up?

Bree told me what you did
for her when I was in prison.

- I just want to thank you.
- It's nothing.

Not to Bree or me.

And you were dead right
to stop her from telling me.

I'd consider it an honor
to work for somebody that wise.

Work for?

The last I heard, it was partner.

How's this?

I'll become a partner... but,

only after you decide
I've earned it.

I'm a patient man.
I don't care if it takes two years.

Honey...

working for Bree...

you're not gonna last ten months.

Mind if I say good-bye to our girl?

Sure,

but she's a little groggy.

You planned the whole thing.

You're trying to get rid of me.

Yes.

And I'm sorry it had to be you.

'Cause I know you're
up to something...

Something awful.

You don't know what "awful" is.

You take care of yourself, Karen,

I mean that.

Yes,

it was a night filled
with surprises.

Some had learned of their
husband's plans for the future.

Others had discovered
the truth of their wife's past.

Some were touched

by their husband's secret longings.

Others were hurt by their
lover's quick departure.

But for one resident,
the evening had gone as planned.

And he now turned his
thoughts to his real agenda.

It wouldn't be long now,

before he destroyed the
man who had ruined his life.

But he knew he had
to move carefully.

After all,

he wanted it to be a surprise.