Desperate Housewives (2004–2012): Season 5, Episode 21 - Bargaining - full transcript

Mike becomes more uncertain about his future with Katherine when M.J. asks if he is going to marry Katherine. Tom and Lynnette try out an experiment of having sex for 30 days straight to ...

previously on...

does this relationship have a future?

Can't we just keep going the way we are?

Jackson left.

Orson's lying to magain.

Bree made a decision.

So I think I have to divorce him.

Karl signed up.

Karl, what are you doing here?

Well, I just enrolled evan.

And susan confessed.

Mike and I got in a car accident.

Mike was driving, right?

That's what we said, but it wasn't true.

He took the blame for me.

on this street, the
bargaining begins at sunrise...

an old woman offers a paperboy a generous
tip if he'll throw the paper onto her porch...

a wife tells her husband she'll make his
favorite dinner if he'll bring home roses...

a man tells his neighbor he'll take in his
garbage cans the day she finally mows her lawn.

Yes, on wisteria lane,
everyone knows how to bargain--

absolutely everyone.

I don't want oatmeal.
Can I have pancakes?

Katherine's not a
short order cook, buddy.

If she made oatmeal for
breakfast, we're having oatmeal.

I tell you what, M.J.

If you finish just half of it, I will
make candied apples for your sleepover.

I love candy apples.

She's letting you off
easy. You should thank her.

Thank you, katherine.

You are so welcome, you sweet thing.

Dad, are you gonna marry katherine?

that's, um... I don't know.

Why not?

Oh, well, oh, because we
haven't talked about marriage.

Why not?

M.J., You're being rude.

Oh, I'm not offended.

Don't you wanna marry katherine?

well... I love her. She's
absolutely fantastic.

So why don't you marry her?

Can you help me out here?

Are you kidding?

Buddy, um, when it comes
to marriage, the truth is...

Would you look at the
time? I'm late for work.

we're gonna have to
talk about this later.

- Coward.
- You got that right.

How'd I do?

You were great.

But he didn't answer me.

Doesn't matter. Issue's on the table.

Yes, on this street, the negotiating
begins at sunrise, and it doesn't end...

here's the ice cream I promised you.

Until someone gets
exactly what they want.

sync:?????? ?????

Housewives Season05 Episode21

Walter bergen was a divorce lawyer,

and the women who hired him always had something
to say about the men they were divorcing.

He's always talking to his
grandmother, who died six years ago.

He spends all his money on hookers,
who may or may not be women.

He says he needs more money for the children,
and by "children," I mean racehorses.

Yes, walter bergen
thought he had heard it all

until the day when one ofis
clients actually said...

my husband is a decent man,
and I want to do right by him.

Women who seek my services
rarely take that attitude.

Well, I like to think of
myself as a good person.

I'm sure you are.

And I wouldn't worry about your husband.

The income he'll derive from his half
of the catering business alone should--

wait.I'm not planning
on giving him half.

It's my business.

Which you started
after you were married.

That entitles him to half.

I-I may have overstated things when I
described my husband as a decent man.

He actually has a wide variety
of psychological problems.

Mrs. Hodge, it's state law.
What do you want me to say?

I want you to say that for $300 an hour,

you have some lawyer tricks up your
sleeve to help me protect my business.

Surely you're not asking
me to do something criminal?

Mrs. Hodge, didn't you say you like
to think of yourself as a good person?

Well, clearly, I like to think of
myself as a rich person even more.

Full house. Bree takes the
high. Gaby gets the low.

Split the pot.

Oh, I hate splitting the pot.

Well, that's the rule. There's nothing
you can do about it. So stop bitching.

Well, you can't talk to me like that.

I am the wife of fairview's
latino businessman of the year.

- So he finally won?
- yeah.

There's gonna be a huge dinner, and we're
taking a picture with the mayor and his wife.

Oh, not necessarily.

I hear they're getting divorced,
and it's gonna get ugly.

really? How do you know?

The wife hired the sleaziest, most
unethical divorce lawyer in town.


My ex-husband.

Oh, right. Karl's a divorce lawyer.

Yeah, and a total shark.

The worst thing about our divorce was
that I couldn't hire him to represent me.

But I thought you just split
everything done the middle.

Oh, not with karl.

By the time he's done finding loopholes and
hiding assets, there's nothing left to split.

You don't say.

Hey, ladies. Uh, lynette,
ahem. It's getting kinda late.

Are you kicking us out, tom?

Uh, no. No, just reminding lynette that
it's, uh, ten minutes till midnight,

which means ten minutes till tomorrow.

I got it. I'll be right up.

What was that about?

Tom and I are reading this book that suggests couples
make a pact to have sex every night for a month.

Let me guess. Written by a guy?

Was his name carlos solis?

we've been having some problems, so the theory
is it creates intimacy and brings you closer.

Is it working?

I've gotta say it is.

You become more attuned to each
other's needs and more sensitive to--

- lynette!
- Je! Two seconds!

should go.

No, we're in our third week.
We got this down to a science.

Just deal me out a few hands.

juanita, hurry up. The bus
will be here any minute.

Be right down!

There's an extra piece of
cinnamon toast on the table.

Not hungry. Bye!

susan? It's dave.

Hey, remember I was telling you about my
buddy that owns that boat on bass lake?

Yeah, well, he's not using it this weekend, so
I thought maybe I'd take you and M.J.Fishing.

Yeah, I know it's short notice, but I
really wanted to do something to thank you.

You've been so good
to me since edie died.

Plus I know M.J.Would love it.

Great. I'm really looking
forward to it. Bye.



Oh, hi, principal hardy. What's up?

She's wearing what?

Now march in there and
wipe that stuff off!

- You don't have to yell.
- Yes, I do.

Do you have any idea how humiliating
it was for me to get that call today?

Now every parent in town is gonna think that
I let my 6-year-old wear makeup to school!

And I want my makeup
back. Is it in here?

why do you have this?




Some girls at school saw you pick me up
yesterday and told me I must be adopted.

They said I wasn't pretty
enough to be your daughter.

how's it feeling?

I-it's really throbbing.

- Oh, please hurry.
- Okay.

hi there.

Jackson, hey. You're back.

I needed to talk to you.

Why didn't you call?

I wanted to surprise you.

Well, you did.

Oh, uh, right.

Jackson, you remember
mrs. Mccluskey, don't you?

Sure. How are you, mrs. Mccluskey?

Oh, I'm in agonizing
pain. Thanks for asking.

I'm taking her to the doctor so
he can perform a little procedure.

He's gonna lance a boil on my backside.

It may rupture any second.


I just had my car detailed,
so I should probably go.

No problem. Uh, when can I see you?

how about dinner tomorrow night?

Sounds great.

If you t want to keep
staring at each other,

I can just go lay down on the
lawn and die. I don't mind.

Ll see you tomorrow.

- karl.
- Hey, mike.

Heard M.J.'S having a sleepover.

I thought I'd hit you
up for an invitation.

Aren't you a little old for sleepovers?

Cards on the table. I need your help.

Evan's one of the only boys in class who
wasn't invited, and he's really upset.

Okay, cards on the table.

M.J.Says evan's a bully, and he
doesn't want him at his sleepover.

Well, what if I promise evan
will be on his best behavior?

I'm sorry. It's out of my hands.
M.J.Finalized his guest list.

Well, I think if you check that list
again, you'll notice evan's name's on there.

I'm M.J.'S dad, not his bouncer.

But... thanks.

Hey, honey. How's your day going?

Very exciting. Just got
back from the grocery store.

It is double coupon day, sorta like the
oscars and the super bowl all rolled into one.

did you remember to get my, um...

my special deodorant?

I sure did. milady's armpits
will be aluminum-free.

How is your day?

I'm totally slammed,
which is why I'm calling.

It looks like I'm gonna be here late
tonight, and by "late," I mean past midnight.

Wait. W-what about our pact?

We'll... double up tomorrow.

Lynette, I have been looking
forward to this all day.

I know, and I'm really sorry.

Listen, I gotta go. I will
call you later. I love you. Bye.

tom. What are you doing
here? Is everything all right?

Everything's fine.

Well, then what are you doing... here?

oh, no. Are you crazy?

Crazy about you, baby.

But I have so much to do, and I'm
not gonna be done till 2:00 A.M.

- Possibly 3:00.
- Come on.

This is important.
Remember what the book said?

Every night, no matter what.

no, this is a really bad time for me.

Well, you did buy me that deodorant.

lynette, I have carlos on line two.

Uh, tell him I'll call right back.

He says it's really important.


Hey, lynette. I'm over here at capital
consultants, and the guys have a question.

I need you to pull up their account.

Now? I'm kind of busy!

Well, the ad has to be at the
printer's by noon, so yeah, now.

lynette? Lynette!


What's going on? You all right?

Sorry. Just had the handyman
in here, but he's finished.

Thank you, handyman.

you're welcome, ma'am.

So... carlos...

where were we?

Could I get you something?

No, thanks, I don't drink.

Oh, that's right. Glug
glug. I remember now.

I'm bringing you business, karl.

Try not to insult me.

Sorry. So you want to divorce orson.

Yes, I know that comes as a surprise.

Not really. I've met
him. The guy's a stiff.

Karl, if we move forward, I will insist
you handle our divorce with dignity.

are you sure?

I don't know of a dignified way to
screw a spouse out of money that they,

by law, are entitled to.

That is why you're hiring me, right?

I just want to protect
what is rightfully mine.

Can you help me?

- sure.
- Lovely. I'll make out a check.

Yeah, not so fast.

Uh, I said i could do
it, not that i would.

I need a favor.

Well, what kind of a favor?

M.J. Delfino is having a
sleepover at his house in two days.

My son wasn't invited.
Now his feelings are hurt.


So I want you to get my
son into that sleepover.

How would I go about doing that?

Gosh, I don't know.

How would I go about hiding
your assets from orson?

I need your help, karl.

I really do, but I am not
comfortable manipulating a 6-year-old.

You know, I had this one client...

his wife had been with
him since junior high.

She supported him through med school, gave
him three kids and the best years of her life.

Once I had done my particular
brand of legal magic,

he ended up with 90% of the money, and
she ended up in a studio apartment...

with a roommate.

Then again... M.J.
Does... love my macaroons.

sweetie, don't listen to
those kids. They're idiots.

You are a gorgeous little girl.

You have to say that. You're my dad.

No, it's the truth. You
are naturally beautiful.

Makeup just covers that up.

He's right, sweetie. You don't
need all that gunk on your face.

Then why do you wear it?

Because I'm an adult.

And besides, I hardly wear any.

Come on, gaby. Let's
try to keep this real.

Are you gonna wear makeup
when daddy gets his big award?

Well, it's a big,
fancy dinner. Of course.

But that's not fair.

Sweetie, you're 6.

There's a lot of things
I can do that you don'T.

So you get to look pretty at daddy's
party, and i have to look like this?

Hey, I have a great idea.

Okay, see? Your daddy's
got a great idea.

How about if neither one of
you wears makeup to the dinner?


no, no, no. Your
daddy's just being silly.

Can I talk to you for
a second, silly daddy?

are you a lunatic?

I am not walking into a ballroom
full of people without my face on.

Come on. This is the perfect opportunity
to teach her that beauty's only skin deep.

Yeah, well, once you see this skin without
foundation, you may want to rethink that.

Gaby, your daughter is in pain.

And don't you love her enough to
put your vanity aside for one night?

I was in labor for 20 hours.
She still owes me for that!


I will make the ultimate sacrifice,
and I will be ugly for my daughter.

But if she ever needs a kidney...

You're really going all
out on this sleepover.

although I'm not sure that tons of sugar
and whistles are a good combination.

Oh, good point.

I'll make us some goody bags
filled with earplugs and vodka.

It's great. I'm sure
M.J.Will appreciate it.

I'm sure he will.

He's a great K... and funny.

that was hilarious the other day, when
he asked us when we're getting married.

I'm glad you thought it was funny.
I was tap-dancing my ass off.

No, you were great.

Although... someday you'll probably
have to answer the question.

I'm sure he's forgotten
by now. You know kids.

Kids are like that.

Grown-ups on the other hand...

not so much.

We're not talking about
M.J. Ymore, are we?

Oh, you want to go run
and get your tap shoes?

No. No. I'll be completely honest here.

Moving in with you is one of
the best decisions I ever made.

you make me really, really happy.


I've been married before, and I just
don't see myself getting married again.


Probably not what you wanted to hear.

I wanted the truth.

It's not your fault the truth sucks.

So could you get the
streamers out of the car?


Oh, by the way, for what
it's worth, I do love you.

I've only been working there
two months, but I love it.

And the kids are so cute.

And I get to see M.J. During
the day, which is nice.

Uh, you kn, uh, for a guy that
just had to see me so bad, you...

you seem awfully far away.

I'm sorry.

I'm just a little nervous.

I have something...

to ask you, and I don't
know how you're gonna react.

What is it?

This is gonna come
out of nowhere, but...

I want you to marry me.

A-and here's how I came to this.

The other day...

what are you doing?

I have to go upstairs.


susan, are you okay?

I'm fine.

I just didn't want you to see me crying.

Honey, you didn't let me finish.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Just, um, all I've been telling myself

that I didn't really care about you,

which was easy to do
because you left so suddenly.

But I am so lonely.

And as much as I tell myself that

i like being the strong,
single woman on her own,

the truth is, I think
about you all the time.

And I wanted to call you, but
I thought you'd gotten over me.

And to hear that you still love me...

that is just something that I
really needed to hear right now.

And I want you
to know-- oh, god.

I want you to know I
love you, too. Jackson...

I love you.



I really wish you'd let me finish.

Finish what?

Susan,I need you to marry me so that
immigration doesn't deport me back to canada.

The one thing I didn't tell you is that I'm
here on a student visa that expired six y

and I got a call from the authorities,so
unless I can find somebody that will marry me,

I'm gonna be in really big trouble.


Susan,did you hear me?

I heard.

So... what do you say?

Okay. Okay,it was a bad idea.

Get out or I will kick your
ass back to the canadian border!

took a shower,brushed my teeth.

We are good to go.


What are you doing?

You know,the pact.

Didn't we already do it tonight?


Oh,they're all starting to blur.

look,I worked till 3:00
A.M.Last night. I'm exhausted.

How about we take a rain check?

A rain check? This isn't baseball.

Every night for 30
days-- that's the law.

Tom,I have a 7:00 A.M.Meeting.

How about I take a long lunch,and
you do me twice at work tomorrow?

Come on.

This is important.


Okay. We'll have sex.

But can you make it quick?


You can't rush an artist.


Oh,sorry. I don't have
time for breakfast.

good. I didn't make you any.

Oh,okay. Uh,coffee will be fine.

Beans are right there.
Grab a handful and grind.

Is there a problem?

You don't remember?

Last night,we were having sex?

You fell asleep?



Was it good?

I didn't finish.

God,you ruined our streak,lynette.

I'm sorry. I was exhausted.

It's not like I was asking
you to scrub a floor.

All you had to do was lie
there,like you usually do.

Oh,okay. I'm gonna let that
one go,'cause you're upset.

Well,it's true. With you being so tired from work
lately,I'm the one doing all the heavy lifting.

Tom,you're being completely irrational.
We've had sex 23 days straight.

I've seen more ceilingthan michelangelo.

We made a commitment,lynette.
The book says--

oh,would you stop with the book?

You bought it at a car wash along
with a pack of gumand an air freshener.

You're right. It's stupid.

All my ideas are stupid. I
should just stick to doing chores.

Don't just walk away.

You better get to work,lynette.

You're gonna be late.

Haven't seen you boys in a while.

There's been a break in the
club fire case,mr. Williams.

You got a minute?

do you know this guy?

No. Who is he?

Dr. Samuel heller,psychiatrist
from boston.

He's the guy who burned up in the fire.

What's a shrink from
boston doing in fairview?

No idea,but we'd like to find out if
anyone knows him or what he was doing there.

Did you see him backstage?

No,I didn't see anybody.

Except porter scavo.

Yeah,but I told you. That was a mistake.

- Do you know a guy named jackson braddock?
- Was he?

Yeah,he got locked in the employee
men's room right before the fire started.

Well,I don't know anything about that.

Have you talked to him?

We've been trying,but he left
town,and we've been unable to find him.

That's a shame.

We'll figure it out.

Thanks for your time.

You bet.

hey,susan. It's dave.

You know,I was thinking I'd pick up you and
M.J.Around 6:00 A.M. Saturday for the trip.

Yeah. I figured the earlier
we get going,the better.


well,hello there,M.J.

I was baking this morning,and like
an idiot,I made too many macaroons.

Would you be willing to take one?

I would hate to see them go to waste.

Macaroons are my favorite.

Oh,really? What a
delightful coincidence.

You know,I could bake
these for you every week,

and all I'd need in return
is just the tiniest of favors.

What kind of favor?

Invite evan mayer to your sleepover.

I don't like evan.

He's mean.

Oh,no. Deep down,he's just a fragile
little boy who wants to be liked.

He hit me with a dead squirrel.

Now,M.J.,We can find faults with
all our friends if we nitpick.

What do you say?

Will you invite him?

Would you like some ice
cream with your macaroons?

Because I could make that happen.


I'm late for my golf game.

I don't have time to go to the A.T.M.,So
I took the cash out of your wallet.


M.J.,There's someone in my life who hits
me with a dead squirrel every single day.

And you are the only
one who can help me.

Please,please invite evan to your party.


thank you.

Oh,thank you,sweetheart.

Boy,the stuff I do for macaroons.

go away! I-I don't want to talk to you.

Come on. Let me in.

Thanks,but I've reached my maximum
allowance for humiliation this week.

Listen,I'm sorry you thought
it was a real proposal.

I thought you knew I'd moved on.

Maximum allowance exceeded.

What do you want?

I wanted to apologize.

You have every righto be mad at mE.

Oh,I'm not mad at you.

You know,I'm just
disappointed in myself.

I was a little lonely
and a little afraid and...

I just did what I always do-- let
some silly romantic fantasy take over.

I didn't know you ill
felt that way about me.

I don'T.

This isn't about you.

Not really.

And besides,you moved on.

Well,I had to.

You pushed me away.

I had to... heal my
heart and get over it.

This--I mean,this is really the only thing
you can do to stay here and do your work?


I'll help you.



I'll do it. But that's it.

No love,no sex,just... marriage.

No sex?

You want people to think this
is a real marriage,don't you?

gaby,come on.

For god sakes,will you take those off?

It's 8:00 at night.


As long as you don't mind people thinking you're
out on the town with your anemic lesbian sister.

There's our man of honor.

gaby,this is stephanie. She
put this whole banquet together.

Nice to meet you.

You're probably wondering
why I look like this.

Excuse me?

I'm not ill.

I'm just not wearing any makeup so I can teach
my daughter that beauty's what's on the inside.

I don't actually look this hideous.


Will you please stop
explaining yourself?

I mean,it was bad enough when
you did it with the valet.

I can't help it.

I don't want people
thinking I condone this face.

I'm gonna go find our table.


Oh,thank you.

I'm not ill. I'm just
not wearing any makeup.


Gotta go.

come on,guys. No running in the house.

These candy apples are great.

Can me and evan have another one?

Well,I better ask katherine.

Where is katherine?

You're missing all the fun.

I just got a candied
apple out of a kid's hair.

Sounds like you got
everything under control.

No,come on down.

It's not as much fun without you.


You were honest with me,so
I'm gonna be honest with you.

I got scared.

Of what?

I was hosting a party with this
amazing man and his adorable son,

and we were like the perfect
family,anthen I realized...

we're not a family.

It could all go away in an instant.

Katherine,I'm not leaving.

But you're not committing either.

Why not,mike?

Is it susan?

You still in love with her?

No. No,I've told you that.

Then it must be me.

Katherine,I love ving you in my life.

I'm just not ready.

I don't know what else to say.

I'm not trying to get
you to say anything.

I just have to take care of myself.

I should probably go make sure
the first floor is still there.

Excuse me. The mayor's about to leave,and the
newspaper wants a photo with him and your family.

Oh,that's so sweet.

tell him no way in hell.

Tell him we'll be right there.

The newspaper? Forget it.

Gaby,I do business with the city.
I can't just blow off the mayoR.

Seriously,we cannot allow
this to be photographed.

Next time there's an epidemic,people
are gonna think I'm patient zero.

You're not getting out of this.


But just so we're clear,you're
also latino jerk of the year.

Come on. Let's go.

Oh,can I at least use
the bathroom first?

ladies! Attention,please.

I am in a jam,and I need
lipstick and eyeliner.

Come on. Chop chop.

You can use my makeup.

Oh,that doesn't really
go with my skin tone.

What do yomean? We
have the same coloring.

Yeah,it doesn't really go
with your skin tone either,

but I can only deal with
one disaster at a time.

Asian girl. Close enough.

Um,I don't think so.

Was it the "chop chop" thing?

Fine. I'm sorry.

Now can I borrow some blush?

I don't share cosmetics.

I'm sort of a germ freak.

Oh,don't worry. I'm
as healthy as a horse.

Really? You look sick.

That's 'cause I don't have any makeup!

I said no. Now leave me alone.

Okay,okay,look. I'm sorry.

You're right. I never should have asked.

Come out now,or I'll call security!

You know,for a woman who has a purse full of
dinner rolls,you sure have a lot of attitude.

Oh,good. We're all here.

By the way,mrs. Solis,you
look absolutely stunning.

Thank you.

Yeah,mom. You look great.

Okay,big smiles,everyone.

see this? My third espresso.

I'm wired. No way I'm
falling asleep tonight.

How about we throw a pizza on the front
lawn,and when the kids run out to get it,

we lock the door and do it
in every room in the house?

Tom,I'm sorry.

I don't know what else to say.

If you wanna stay mad,I
guess you're gonna stay mad.

I am not mad,lynette.

Then what's wrong?

You're gonna think it's stupid.

Tell me.

You want to know why sex has
become so important to me lately?

Because you are the only thing in
my life that I'm passionate about.

That is so sweet.

No. No,it's not good,lynette--
not for me,not for you.

I... I need something
else to be excited about.

I thought you wanted to do
this,to take a break and stay home.

I did.

You know,I figured,the kids are grown...

I can take care of the house and the
errands,and it'll be easy,and it is.

It's too damn easy.

I am finished with my work by noon,and then I
just sit around,waiting for you to come home.

So... what do you want to do?

What are you passionate about?

I don't know.

I'm a middle-aged guy,and I don't
know what I want to do with my life.

I told you it was stupid.



I know I disappointed you
tonight,and I'm really sorry.

It's okay.

I know why you did it.

I need makeup,too.

Honey,I know you think being pretty seems like
the most important thing in the world right now,

but believe me,it's not.

You were a model.

yes,I was.

And my whole life,people
told me how pretty I was.

So you know what?

I never thought I had to work hard in school
or work on friendships or my personality--

none of it.

And then I stopped modeling,and I
realized I didn't have much on the inside.

And I don't want that for you.

I want you to be brave
and funny and creative...

to be more than just a shell.

I want you to have the
whole rich,gooey center.

Will you promise to
do that for yourself?


when do I get to wear makeup?

I tell you what.

You can wear makeup the day you
realize you don't really need it.

I bought M.J.A fishing pole.

I figure I'd teach the little guy
how to cast before we hit the water.

Oh,my god. We're not gonna be
able to make it this weekend.

I'm kind oF... getting married.


to who?

dave williams.

I thought I heard you out here.


just when you thought I was
out of the picture,I'm back.

since you held up your end othe
bargain,I'm going to hold up mine.

I'm gonna make sure that you walk away from this
marriage with your business and your assets intact.

Now to accomplish this,I may
need you to lie,stonewall,

even resort to some outright trickery.

My question is... will
you be up for that?

I used to think of
myself as a good person.

If I had a choice,I would
always choose the high road.

Lately I've begun to realize that,um...

I'm capable of doing
whatever needs to be done.

You know what that makes you?

The perfect client.

on this street,the bargaining
is finished by sundown...

a daughter agrees to go to bed early if her
mother lets her dress up in her old gowns...

a woman agrees to let her fianc? spend the
night if he'll agree to sleep on the sofa...

a man allows his lover to get close as
long as they don't discuss the future.

Yes,everyone knows how to
bargain on wisteria lane...