Desperate Housewives (2004–2012): Season 5, Episode 20 - Rose's Turn - full transcript

When Orson is admitted to the hospital after he attempts to rob an old woman whose house he breaks into, he's confident that nobody will believe her because of her senile personality. But ...

Previously on Desperate Housewives.

Lynette went back to work.

And Tom filled his days.

- You're good at this girl talk thing.
- Well, thanks.

Do you at least know why he steals?

I steal to hurt you.

Bree struggled
to understand her husband's problem,

while down the street, Edie finally
figured out her husband's plan.

You married me so you could get close
to the man who killed your family.

He was never punished.

Rose Kemper
was a survivor.

You could see that
by looking into her eyes.

She had buried one husband,
given birth to five children,

survived illness, bankruptcy,
even the loss of her teeth.

As a result, Rose Kemper was
no longer afraid of anything.

Sadly, the man who climbed
into her window that night

was unaware of this.

But Rose was more than happy
to explain it to him.

Get out of here!
You just get the hell out!

I'm calling the police! Do you hear me?

Mrs. Kemper?

Katherine, what are you doing here?

Oh, I heard you weren't feeling well,
so I brought you some flowers.

Doctors tell me you had
a mild heart attack.

Did they tell you why?

It was Death. He came for me.

Death came for you?

But I chased him out
with my baseball bat.

I gave him a good whack, too.
Right on the old noggin.

How much morphine
do they have you on?

You know that shelf where I keep
my knickknacks? He tried to take one.

Death collects knickknacks?

And when he couldn't get me,
he went after that other lady,

the one who crashed.

Edie Britt?

Oh, yes. And I saw everything.

Death just staggered out into the street,

and he raised his hands,

and he made her
run into that light pole.

Katherine, you believe me, don't you?

Oh, I would never make
anything like this up.

I know you wouldn't, sweetheart.

Listen, I'll stop by tomorrow.
You just get your rest. Okay?

But, Katherine,

if you see Death lurking in the hall,

you tell him
he'd better not come around here.

Because I am not afraid of him.

No, Rose Kemper
was not afraid of anything.

But the man who had
broken into her home

was now very afraid of Rose Kemper.

The fact is, everyone does it.

Sometimes with the help
of an overturned cushion,

sometimes by means
of a large potted plant.

Other times,
using the top button of a shirt.

Yes, everyone has something
they want to keep hidden

from prying eyes.

It's hard to believe you got this bump
just by falling.

But some people
are better at cover-ups than others.

I know, but that's what happened.

And I went for a walk, I tripped,
and I hit my head on the curb.

Okay. Well,
everything's looking much better.

I see no reason why he shouldn't
be released this weekend.

Really? That soon?

You can pick him up in the afternoon.

Orson, I'll check in one more time
before you go.

Thank you.

Well, you don't seem all that thrilled

about the prospect of me coming home.

Honey, I don't mean to be negative.
It's just...

What's going to happen?

Will you keep stealing and lying to me?

I love you, but I just can't
put up with that anymore.

Don't worry.
Things are going to be different.


Well, I've been doing
a lot of thinking lately

and I've decided, finally, to be happy.

How can you just decide
something like that?

Look, there are things that
I don't like about my life.

But there is so much that is good.

Do I really want to risk
losing everything?

I mean, if I can decide to be
resentful and jealous,

I can damn well decide to be happy.

And be the kind of husband
that you deserve.

Do you really mean that?

I do.

I hope so, because I just cannot
take any more lying.

You won't have to.

I can promise you that.




He didn't answer.

Okay, now I'm starting to get worried.

Yeah, I left that casserole
three days ago and it's still there.

I'm surprised the squirrels
haven't gotten to it.

Maybe they did. Anybody seen
any dead squirrels around here?

Even if Dave wants to be alone,

we have to make sure
he's taken care of.

We owe it to Edie.

I say we keep showing up here
until he lets us help him.

We need to be annoying
and persistent. We're good at that.

So who can come by later
and check on him?

I'd do it, but I'm working late.

I'm in the classroom all day,
and I have meetings after.

I have rehearsal dinner to cater.

And I have
a garden club meeting.

You're in a garden club?

Yeah, I just joined.

Wait, there wouldn't happen to be

actual gardeners in this club,
would there?

Hot, shirtless gardeners
with great abs and learner's permits?

Gee, this bit just gets funnier
and funnier.

Oh, we tease because we love.

Now back to Dave.
I'll ask Mike to check in on him.

- That'd be great.
- Remember to tell him,

annoying and persistent.
And I can make another casserole.

Yeah, because he
hasn't suffered enough.

That's a bit
that I never get tired of.

Dave? Hello, it's Mike.



Hey, I'm sorry to barge in.
I just want to make sure you're okay.

Katherine made you lasagna.

Thought it would be a good idea
to eat something.

Want me to get you a plate?

I'm good.

You'll get through this, buddy. You will.

- Look, I have gone through some...
- You've gone through nothing.

And if you stand there and try to tell me
you understand how I feel,

I swear to God,
I'm going to lose my mind.

- Man, I'm just trying to help.
- You can't! Okay?

So why don't you go back to Katherine

and your happy little life
and leave me the hell alone?

You're right. I don't have any idea
what you're going through.

Sweetie, I'm home!

- Hey.
- Hey.

Don't make plans on Tuesday.

We're having dinner at the Solis' and...

What's that look on your face?
You didn't eat dairy again, did you?

No! I've been working out.

If you're good, I'll let you cop a feel.

That's okay. I can see it from here.
It's thrilling.

- You smell good.
- I just took a shower.

And I know where you're going
with this, but I'm exhausted.

Come on, Lynette. Please?

Whining, that's hot.

Fine. Let's have sex.

But I warn you,
I'm just going to lie here,

resenting you the whole time,
waiting for this hell to be over.

Okay, if you're sure.

Tom! Come on!

Fine. All right. Okay, forget it.

Wait, you just took a shower? Where?

At work.

- I didn't know you had a shower there.
- I don't. Carlos does.

So you went into Carlos's office,
stripped naked and took a shower?

No, I went into Carlos's bathroom,

closed the door,
then stripped naked and took a shower.

I'm not comfortable with this.
What if he walked in?

Then maybe I'd get that raise
I've been asking for.

This isn't funny. You already spend
16 hours a day with the guy.

And now I find out that some of those
hours, you are naked and wet.

Hours? It was two minutes.

It's not like I'm lighting candles
and putting on Barry White.

I don't care. I want it to stop.


I should've just had sex,
I'd be asleep by now.

Oh, and ladies, we have been asked
by the city council

to beautify the center divider
on Main Street.

So make sure your calendars
are clear next Tuesday.

I know I'm new here at the garden club,

but what's with all the gardening?

I thought this was just an excuse to
get together for bitching and boozing.

- Blame Edna, the flower fascist.
- Yeah, when we first joined,

we used to sit around in wicker chairs,
drinking margaritas

and just looked at the flowers.

Oh, I'd kill for a margarita.

Don't cluster, ladies. Vary the colors.

And she's the one I'd kill. I mean,
really, who died and left her in charge?

Alice Koontz.
Grand mal seizure while driving.


Well, this Edna has got to be stopped.


Oh, my God, you're planning a coup,
aren't you? I'm in.

Me, too.

That's three. Who else can we get?

Definitely Judy,
and Terry's allergic to everything.

One bee sting and she blows up like...
Well, like Judy.

How about the woman in the overalls?

Oh, Phyllis?
She just got her second DUI.

- Lf there's cocktails, she's in.
- Yeah.

Okay, so the lush gives us six.
What about them?

No way.
They're all friends of Edna's.

All right, so they have six
and we have six.

We're going to need a tie-breaker.

Hey, are men allowed to join the group?

I don't know why they wouldn't be.

Ladies, start your blenders.

- Orson, I heard you wanted to see me.
- Yes, Dr. Kagen.

I heard you're treating
the lady across the hall.

- You mean Rose Kemper?
- Yeah, she's actually my neighbor.

I wanted to know how she's doing.

Sorry, I can't discuss her condition
with anyone she's not related to.

Oh, that's a problem.

See, she has no family,
or friends for that matter.

- And because of her dementia...
- Who said she has dementia?

Well, certainly you've heard
some of her bizarre ramblings.

If she doesn't have dementia,
it's something just as troubling.

She has been saying
some very disturbing things.

But I wasn't aware
it was an ongoing situation.

Oh, yes, it is.

And I'm so worried about her

going back to that big house
with no one to look after her.

I hate to get Social Services involved.

They'd probably just stick her
in some state-run facility.

Oh, well, that would be a shame.

But what if she ends up hurting herself,
or someone else?

I mean, I'm no lawyer,
but wouldn't the hospital be liable?

Hey, Penny.
Aren't you going to be late for school?

My stupid brothers hid my homework.
Real mature.

- Is your mom ready?
- She's in the shower.



Carlos, you're early!

Didn't you get my text?
The meeting got moved up!

Oh, crap. I'll be right there!

Lynette, you okay?


Are you all right?

If you don't answer me,
I'm coming in there!

Oh, my God.

All right, Doctor. Thank you. Bye.

He says that since you weren't out
very long, you should be fine.

And don't worry about the meeting,
I pushed it to lunch.

- And I can handle it alone.
- No, I'm fine, I want to go.

You sure?
Okay, I'll let you get dressed.

Hey, Carlos, quick question for you.

Last thing I remember,
I was in the shower, naked,

reaching for the soap.

Then I was here on the bed,
under a blanket,

still naked.

And my question is,
how did I get from there to here?

Well, I carried you.

Which means you saw me...

Lynette, the only thing
I was thinking about was,

were you going to be all right?

Oh, well, I appreciate that.

And here's something else
I'd appreciate,

could we not tell anyone else
about this?

Not tell anyone? I'm a first-time hero!

This was going to be my lead item
in this year's Christmas letter.

If Tom finds out, he'll freak.

He has this weird thing about being
the only guy who gets to see me naked.

You got it. Now get dressed.
We've got to go.

Could you maybe step outside?
I only do one show a day.


Here you go!

Edna, here's your diet soda.

- Try to keep your pants on.
- You know, I don't mean to be a killjoy,

but are we going to do
any planting today?

There are some seeds in this.
Knock yourself out.

Patty, do you mind
if I steal Tom for a sec?

Okay. But only a sec.


What's up?

First of all, you're a real prince
for coming today.

- Thanks to you, our coup is complete.
- No problem.

I know you must be bored silly.

So go ahead and make your escape.

Actually, I'm thinking of staying.
I'm having a great time.

Meeting some nice people.

Yeah, about that. I've got to warn you.

Patty's kind of got a thing
for married men.

Oh, Patty? No. No, no.
She's just being nice.

Yes, she's like that.
She'll give you the bra off her back.

We're just talking.

"Oh, Tom. What big arms you have."
That kind of talking?

Oh, that. Okay, fine. Fine. Point taken.

Okay, great. Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have to get back to my gardening.

So Orson's "decided to be happy"?
Isn't that great.

He sounded very sincere.

I'll bet.

So just how happy is he going to be?

Will he whistle while he works,

or will he just skip
around the house occasionally?

I did not raise you to be bitchy.

No, you raised me to
be passive-aggressive.

My bitchiness, that was self-taught.

Well, save it for those karaoke parties
at Bob and Lee's. I am not amused.

Mom, your BS meter might be broken,
but mine works just fine.

Orson's up to something.

Well, I can understand
why you're a bit cynical,

but I'm giving him another chance.
He's my husband and I still love him.

He's been stealing stuff
from your friends.

He tried to get you
to sell your business.

I know.

Fine. Go ahead. Take him back.

But while you're watching Orson
skip and sing,

I'll be looking up divorce lawyers.
Just in case.

Susan? You here?

In the kitchen!

Why are you mopping the ceiling?

I was cooking, all right?

Lids, Susan.
You've really got to start using lids.

Sometimes it's the stove's fault.

So I saw Dave last night.

- How'd that go?
- Not good.

He's in a really dark place.
He kind of lashed out at me.

At you? Why?

I don't know. It's like all of a sudden

he resents my happiness
with Katherine.

- That's weird.
- Maybe not.

When your wife dies,

it must be depressing to see
other people in a loving relationship.

Hey, maybe you could look in on him.

Yeah, yeah, that didn't come out right.

I know what you meant.
I'll stop by tomorrow and see him.


You know, this whole thing with Edie.

I mean, seeing her lying in the street
that night.

It just brought up all those awful
memories from our accident.


we did what we had to do.


Look what it did to us.


Hey, buddy. Hey, you hungry?

No. Mommy made spaghetti.

Well, I'll have him back before school.

You take care.

You, too.

Hey, I'm on my way to work,
but I just wanted to bring you these.

Chicken salad sandwiches,
which I did not make, I bought.

I learned my lesson from the casserole.


Wait. Could you
maybe have one right now?

So that I know
that you actually ate something.

I'm not hungry. But, again, thanks.

Dave, I know that
you're going through hell.

But Edie was my friend, so, please,
let me help you. Just a little.

You sure you don't want one?
It's really good.

Still not hungry.

So have you thought about
what you're going to do now?

I'm going to sell the house.

You're kidding. So soon?

I've got a realtor coming by today.

I'm going to put the money
in a trust for Travers.

It's what Edie would have wanted.

Okay, well...

At least you're making plans
for the future.

Everything that ever mattered to me
is gone.

The future's the last thing
I'm thinking about.

Well, I should probably put these
away before I finish them off.

Are you sure there's nothing I can do
to help you? A load of laundry?

No, thanks.

How about a pot of coffee?
Or I could just straighten up in here.

Susan, please. I need to be alone.




Do you know what is a great cure
for the blues? Cribbage.

- Do you have a cribbage set?
- I thought you had to go to work.

I'll call in sick, take the day off.

Susan. I really don't want to be rude,
but you need to leave.

Okay. You have a realtor coming, right?

You cannot let him see the house
in this condition.

So just let me clean up a little.
You won't even know I'm here.

All right. I will be back after work
to check on you.

But until then, here's the phone
in case you want to order Chinese

or call a hotline or something.

Hey, Katherine, can you call me back
as soon as you can?

I just left Dave and he's in bad shape.
I actually think that he might be...

Oh, crap. I've got to go.

- Yes, Officer?
- License and registration, please.

Okay. What did I do?

It's against the law
to talk on a cell phone

without using a hands-free device
while driving, as of January 1 st.

Right. I know that! I just was worried
about a friend, so I forgot. I'm sorry.

Step out of the car, slowly.

- What? You don't want the license?
- Out of the car.

You think that I'm dangerous.

No, I totally have an explanation
for those.

- Stop talking.
- But you're going to feel really silly

- when you hear what it is.
- Get out of the car now!

- Okay.
- On the ground!

Oh, yes, sir! Okay.

Hey, Susan,
I just got your message about Dave.

I'm on my way to the hospital,
but if you want me to...

I... You know, why don't we talk later?

- Hey! Tom.
- Hey.

- Was that Patty Rizzo?
- Yeah.

I had some car trouble,
so she followed me over to the garage

and gave me a lift back.

Patty lives six blocks away.
I live down the street.

Why didn't you ask me to take you?

Are you going somewhere with this?

All right, look, Tom, I'm sorry,
but I've got a responsibility here.

I brought you into the club, I introduced
you to the horny homemaker.

- I just don't want you to...
- What, Gabby? Cheat on my wife?

I was going to say "die of gonorrhea,"
but that's close enough.

Okay, I really appreciate your concern,

but how can I put this? Butt out.

All right, Tom, you leave me no choice.

You are no longer allowed to see Patty.

"Allowed"? Who are you? My mother?

I trump your mother.
I am Garden Club President.

This is ridiculous.
I thought you were my friend.

Look, I love you, Tom,
but you're my friend with a small "F."

My friend with the big "F" is Lynette.

So if I see something
that could hurt her,

you bet your ass
I'm going to do something about it.

A neighbor offered me a ride.

If you want to hurt Lynette

and twist it into something that it isn't,
screw you.

And that's with a big "F."

- Hello, my love.
- Hello, darling.

Please tell me you're here to spring me.

Not that I haven't enjoyed every
moment of your poking and prodding.

I'm just taking one last look
at your husband.

Are you sure he wasn't
in some sort of bar fight?

Looks like he got smacked over
the head with a pool cue or something.

Orson's not exactly the "bar fight" type.

He's more of a "raised voices
at a cheese tasting" type.

While I'm finishing up here,
do you want to go

- sign the discharge papers?
- Great. Be back in a minute.


Katherine, hi, what are you doing here?

Oh, I came to see Rose Kemper.

Oh, right, I heard she was here.

Yeah, it's so sad.
I'm here to help her pack.

Social Services is coming
this afternoon

to take her to some nursing home.

I'm surprised.
I knew she was a bit dotty,

but I didn't think it was that serious.

Oh, yes. She's been telling people

this story about how
Death broke into her house.

Death? Oh, dear.

Apparently he climbed in
through a window

and then tried to steal
one of her knickknacks.

- Oh, well, that's odd.
- Yeah.

Then she whacked him across the head
with a baseball bat.

- A bat?
- Which is what I would do

if Death were
to ever steal one of my knickknacks.

So did she get
a good look at Death?

No, she said he was
wearing some sort of mask.

She tells the story so convincingly,
you almost believe her.

Oh, there's the social worker. I want to
be there when she talks to Rose.

He's all yours, Bree.


This dinner is delicious.
You really didn't have to do this.

With the long hours
that you've been putting in,

I just wanted to do something special
to say thank you.

And by "do something,"

he means having me slave over
a rack of lamb all day.

I would like to propose a toast.

Who says that friendship
and business don't mix? To friendship.

Hear, hear, to friendship.

So I want to hear more
about the garden club.

Tom says he's meeting
all kinds of nice people.

Really? Any favorites, Tom?

They're all great gals.
One's sort of a pain in the ass.

Other than her, I'm having a great time.

Although, I keep telling Tom
how dangerous gardens can be.

Everywhere you step,
there are shovels and rakes and hoes.

You know, Lynette and I should
really be toasting you two.

- Us?
- Yeah.

For putting up with all the long hours
we've been keeping.

Hey, I didn't mind the long hours.

Wasn't so crazy
about the whole shower thing, but...

- Oh, so Lynette told you about that?
- Yeah.

She thought I was nuts
for getting weird about it.

I get it. You know, a guy carries your
unconscious, naked wife to your bed...

What are you talking about?

Hey, is this gorgonzola?

The other day, when she fell in your
shower. What are you talking about?

When she took a shower in your office.

- You took a shower in my office?
- What's going on here?

Lynette was taking a shower and
Carlos came by to drive her to work,

she slipped and fell, and he helped her.

You told her? I asked you not to.

She's my wife. I tell her everything.

Oh, you hear that, Lynette?
They tell each other everything.

That way they know that
they're not hiding anything.

I was just afraid you'd overreact.
Like you're doing right now.

Full disclosure, Lynette.
That's what a marriage is about.

So I assume you fully disclosed
your little "friendship" with Patty Rizzo?

What little friendship?

You know what?
I think this is gorgonzola.

- Tom?
- What?

Patty gave me a ride home,
and for some reason

Gabby's making a big deal about it.

Because it's Patty Rizzo!
She's a total slut.

You should be on antibiotics
just for sitting in her car.

- Exactly.
- Stay out of this, Gabby.

- You've done enough damage.
- Hey, don't snap at me.

Lynette's my friend.
I was just watching her back.

While your husband
was watching her front.

Drop it, Tom.
We'll continue this at home.

If you have a shower at the office, how
come you come home smelling so bad?

I don't know.
Why does the lamb taste like sawdust?

Thank you, darling.

I can't tell you how nice it is
to be home again.

Well, it's wonderful to have you home.

How's your head?

- Still hurts.
- Well, that'll teach you

to go out walking
in the middle of the night.

You know, I still don't know
why you were out so late.

Well, I told you. We had a little spat,
and I wanted to clear my head.

And then you bumped it
on that nasty curb.

Well, that will teach me to fight
with my lovely wife.

And that's all you were doing,
just going out for a walk?

That's all.

You know, I just remembered some
business I have to discuss with Andrew.

Enjoy your tea.

Hey, Mom. What's wrong?

Orson's lying to me again.

So I think I have to divorce him.

Just tell me how I can help.

You okay?

Oh, I just keep thinking about Dave.

How his life was so great,
he had everything.

Then one day, boom, all gone.

Yeah, I know.

Life can turn on a dime.

Dave, Edie, Rose Kemper.

The one thing it's made me realize is,

I don't want to live with regrets.

Me neither.

I've been wanting to tell you this
for some time.

Remember when I suggested
moving in together?

It wasn't just about saving rent.

I was trying to pull you closer,

manipulate some kind of commitment
out of you.

And that's not who I am,
so I want you to know

that I'm sorry
and it won't happen again.

From now on, no hidden agendas.

I like that policy.

I'm always going to be honest with you.

After all, you're the guy I'm going
to spend the rest of my life with.

More sandwiches.
Or is my gun in there?

It's just your belts and ties.
The police kept the rest.

I know. They called.

You told them I was suicidal.

I'm sorry. It's just the things you said...

I'm worried about you.

Don't be. I told you, I'm fine.

You are not fine. How could you be?

You have suffered a horrible loss.

And you are allowed
to feel any way you want.

But I know that you are not fine.

Okay, well, I'm sorry for ransacking
your house. I'll stop bugging you.

Edie and I had a fight that night.

A bad one.

I came home, we argued.

She stormed out,
got in her car and died.

Oh, Dave.

- That does not make it your fault.
- Doesn't it?

If things had been different,

if I had been different,
she'd still be alive.

You can't think that way.
I mean, what happened is bad enough.

You can't blame yourself for it, too.

If you do that, you will destroy
everything you have left that's good.

Trust me, I know.

Trust me. You don't.

A few years ago,
Mike and I got in a car accident.

A woman and her daughter died.

Yeah, I heard about that.

Mike was driving, right?

That's what we said.

But it wasn't true.

After the crash,

I couldn't find my license.

I had switched purses that night
and I left it at home,

and so Mike

told them that he was driving.
He took the blame for me.

So I understand guilt.

And I want you to understand that
Edie's death was an awful tragedy.

It was not your fault.

Maybe you're right.
Thank you for telling me.

Heck of a dinner party, huh?

It's amazing how fast you can eat
in total silence.

It's my fault.
I should have just told Tom the truth.

Although, it turned out to
be kind of a wash

with the whole Patty Rizzo thing.

You know what I think is cool?

You guys have been married
a long time and you still get jealous.


But just to be on the safe side,
if I fall in my tub again, let me die there.

- Okay, back to work.
- Yes,

and we shall never speak of this again.
I am embarrassed enough.


I saw you without your towel.

You've got nothing
to be embarrassed about.



How was the garden club today?

Oh, Phyllis got tanked on cosmos
and threw up on Edna.

So now we're back to planting crap.

Look, I'm really sorry for sticking my
nose into that whole Patty Rizzo thing.

It's okay, I...

The truth is,
I knew she was coming on to me.

Then why did you keep
hanging out with her?

Lynette has been so swamped
with work lately that she doesn't...

It's just nice having a woman
notice me again.

- Is that terrible?
- No, I get it.

When we first moved here,
Carlos was working around the clock,

and he'd come home
and barely say hello to me.

It was like I was invisible.


That's the word.

So when he didn't see me,
I found someone who did.

- You know I'd never do that to Lynette.
- I never thought I'd do it to Carlos.

Well, then it's a good thing I've got
a friend around to keep an eye on me.

Even if it's one with a small "F."

Well, for the record,
you're growing on me.

You know what? I'm thirsty.
Let's start a book club.

The fact is,
everyone does it.

Everyone tries to cover up

what they don't want others to see.

Women hide their need
for commitment.

Men disguise their growing insecurity.

Wives mask their intense disdain.

How can ordinary people

hide the truth of their feelings
so successfully?

All it takes is a friendly gesture...

You can't play in the street, MJ.

You could get hurt. And that would
really tear your mom apart.

And a plan.