Desperate Housewives (2004–2012): Season 5, Episode 19 - Look Into Their Eyes and You See What They Know - full transcript

So I'm driving my car
the other night,

and what do you think happens?

I crashed into a utility pole.

Then, to add insult to injury,

I was electrocuted.

What can I say?
It was one of those days.

All my neighbors heard it happen.

So they quickly left
their microwaved burritos

and their expensive jars of moisturizer

and their racy pay-per-view movies,

and they hurried outside, excited to
see what all the ruckus was about.



But then, when they saw it was me,
this weird thing happened.

For a moment,
no one moved or said anything.

They just stared. And then...

Oh, my God.

All hell broke loose.

Does anybody know CPR?

There's been an accident.

Edie, can you hear me?

Yes, everyone suddenly
became very concerned,

which was touching,
but ultimately pointless.

Moments before the ambulance finally
arrived, I heard someone whisper...

Don't worry, Edie.

You're going to get through this.
You're going to be just fine.

Oh, Susan Mayer, wrong again.



Two seconds later, it happened.

With all of my neighbors
surrounding me, I took my last breath.

The good news, I died just like I lived,

as the complete
and utter center of attention.

Two days after I kicked
the proverbial bucket,

my husband asked my neighbors
to do me a favor.

You could tell from the looks
on their faces

it wasn't something they wanted to do,

but they agreed to do it anyway.

So the next day, they piled into a car,

with two thermoses filled with coffee,
a basket filled with baked goods,

and an urn that was filled with me.

- I hate that we have to do this.
- So you've said.

I mean, it really is the kind of thing
a relative should do.

Maybe it is.
But we're in the car, on our way there,

so stop your bitching.

Well, can you at least
put the radio on?

I won't feel like bitching
if I can sing along to something.

If you start singing, I'll start bitching.
And you don't want that.

It's a four-hour drive. We have
to do something to pass the time.

Here's a thought.
Why don't we talk about Edie?

- And say what?
- I don't know.

But she is the reason we're on this trip.

Maybe we could share memories
or tell stories.

Why don't you start with the time she
tried to steal your comatose boyfriend?

That was fun.

Okay, I was thinking of stories
that put Edie in a positive light.

And after that five minutes is up,
then what do we do?

The woman is dead, people.
Let's honor her memory.

Well, I'm all for saying
a few nice things.

But you were never really friends.

You and Edie clashed
right from the start.

Yeah. That's what everybody thinks.

But the first time we met,

it seemed like we'd end up
being the best of friends.

That's disgusting.

No, it's okay.
It landed on the detergent box.

Here. You go buy yourself
a fresh donut or booze, crack...

Whatever eases the pain.
Just move it along.

You think I'm homeless?
No, no, no. No, I live here.

I... I can prove it.

I know exactly
what's in this garbage bag,

empty carton of eggs,
coffee grinds, shampoo bottle...

Wart removal cream?

You're right. I'm homeless.

Susan Mayer.

It's all cleared up.

Edie Britt.
I just moved in down the street.

Yeah, I saw
the moving van. Welcome.

Thanks.

So is it just you
or do you have a family?

I have a son. He lives with his dad.

It's a long story,
I'll tell you one day over a margarita.

You want to invite me in
for a margarita?

How about coffee? I just put on a pot.

Great. You can fill me in
on all of the neighborhood gossip.

Starting with the redhead across
the street with the muffin basket.

That's a robot, right?

Funny and likes to gossip.
We're going to get along just fine.

Yes, we are.

Wait. Stop.
Could we just rest for a second?

We've only gone four blocks.

Okay, I lied. I hate running.

Well, why didn't you say something?
We've been doing this for a week.

Because we were starting
to become friends.

And you like to run, and I like to sit,
and one of us had to give.

- Hi, Susan!
- Hi, Helen! Ed!

I would have introduced you,
but once Helen starts talking,

she doesn't shut up.

Right. Ed told me that.

You met Ed?

Yeah.
I've gotten to know him quite well.

- Yeah?
- We're kind of doing it.

- Doing what?
- It.

Ed is married.

Yeah, I'm a naughty girl.

No, you're being immoral.
You're committing adultery.

Actually, Ed's committing adultery.
I'm just getting laid.

You know, forget I ever mentioned it.

I can't forget something like this.
Helen is my very good friend.

I thought you just said that she was...

She is annoying, and I hide
when she knocks on my door.

But she does not deserve for you
to be wrecking her marriage.

- Where are you going?
- Home.

So you're not going
to be my friend anymore?

I don't think so.

I thought you didn't like running!

Well, it depends on
what I'm running away from!

Hi, I'm the whore
that lives down the street.

- Could I borrow a cup of condoms?
- A cup? Are you sure that'll be enough?

Look, I know that you don't like me.
But I am here to do you a favor anyway.

I was out to dinner last night, and I saw
your husband with another woman.

Really?

I feel bad saying it, but if I were
in your shoes, I would want to know.

You're welcome.

I get it.

So you feel I judged you,

and for revenge, you're trying to
make me insecure about my marriage.

If I wanted revenge, I would
have joined them and had a threesome.

You know, Karl would never cheat.

And the woman he was with,
Brandi, his secretary,

and he took her out for her birthday.

The old "I'm taking my secretary out
for her birthday" routine.

Nice tip of the hat to the classics.

Okay, well since you're on this moral
roll, why don't we walk over to Helen's,

and I will introduce you,
we can have some tea,

and then you two could swap stories
about Ed's favorite positions.

What I do and what Brandi's doing
is completely different.

How?

I'm not looking
to break up anyone's marriage.

I'm in it for a little fun, some free meals,

and to help an unhappy man
through his mid-life crisis.

Wow, you're just a giver.

Fine, use all of your energy judging me,
and ignore the real problem.

But let me tell you something.
This is my area of expertise.

And I saw the look
in that woman's eyes.

She's not in it for the free meals.
She's in it for keeps.

You should leave now.

You know, Susan,
I'm trying to help my neighbor out.

I thought it was the moral thing to do.

Three weeks later, I found Brandi's bra
in Karl's glove compartment

and, well, you know the rest.

Say what you want about Edie,
she really understood men.

I should hope so,
after all those years of research.

I can't help thinking about all the times
Edie and I sniped at each other.

We could have been good friends.

Well, if she knew
what you're about to do for her,

she'd forgive you for everything.

Okay, my hour's up.
Someone else hold Edie now.

I'll take her.

Kind of looks like cat litter.

Lynette! Don't look at Edie.

Or what? I'll turn to stone?
She's all rough and gritty.

Gabby, before we learn
what Edie tastes like...

I've got it.

I think a little more reverence
for the dead is in order.

Please, we're talking about Edie.

A little more irreverence
is what we need. Give it.

Do you guys remember when
you took turns driving me to chemo?

Well,
none of you did it like Edie.

- Hey, Lynette.
- Hey!

- How you feeling?
- Same.

Well, here's the DVD you asked for.

Thanks. I'll watch it during chemo,
if I'm not too tired.

Here we go. Hi, Edie.

Hi. What is that?

It's a health shake
of fermented brown rice.

And for her entr?e, a salad of radish,
burdock root and bok choy.

What's for dessert? Waterboarding?

Thanks. I can't get comfortable.
Could you fluff my pillows?

Of course.

Well, I've got errands to run
and I'll be back to drive you to chemo.

Before you go, would you put my socks
back on? My feet are cold again.

Of course.

Katherine, you have got stuff to do.
Why don't I take her to chemo?

It's fine.

Okay. See you tomorrow, then.

Bye.

Okay, where's your coat?

Why? Chemo's not until 5:00.

Yeah, I've got to make
a little stop on the way.

Edie!

You've been here before?

A couple of times.
You're going to love it. Hey!

Love it? I have cancer.

I probably shouldn't even use
the ladies' room in this place.

There is no ladies' room,
so that's not a problem.

Edie, I have chemo in half an hour.

Fine, then we'd better start drinking.

I'm not supposed to drink.

And they're not supposed
to do tattoos in the kitchen,

but I have a bald eagle on my ass
that says otherwise.

Two tequila shooters!

Hey, Edie!

Reggie! I thought you were in Florida.

No, that was just a body
they identified as me.

Reggie, this is my friend, Lynette.
I'm trying to cheer her up a little.

Right on. Want to shoot some stick?

Uh...

- No, thanks.
- Come on, you can totally take him.

No, I can't. See? Cancer.

No sweat.

I'll play you one-handed.

- Can you excuse us for one second?
- Sure.

- I need to go to chemo. I have...
- Cancer. Yeah, I heard.

And what do you want from me?

I want you to fluff your own pillows.
You need to start fighting this thing.

- I'm doing the best I can.
- Not even close.

Hell, Lynette, you...
You are the strongest person I know.

You're even stronger than me,
and that's saying something.

Now, I may be a little out of line
bringing you here.

But you need to remember who you are.

Screw cancer. You are Lynette Scavo.

Two tequilas.

Now, where's that
one-armed friend of yours?

I want to shoot some stick.

Wow. It sounds like she gave you
just what you needed. Good for Edie.

She never let me forget it, either.

She always insisted it was the
tequila shooters that killed the cancer.

What the hell is that?

Not now. We have a flat.

Maybe it's a sign
we're not supposed to do this today.

Nice try.

We don't have time for this.
Anybody know how to change a tire?

You want to hand me
that cross wrench?

Do you wanna tell me what that is?

It's the T-shaped dealie
I'm going to whack you with

if you don't hand it over.

You know,
Edie used to live around here

when she moved away
from Wisteria Lane.

You mean
when you gals gave her the boot.

Less yakking, more jacking.

Bree, how did you know
where she lived?

I ran into her once, unexpectedly,

in a place I never thought I'd be.

Bree Hodge?

Follow me. I'll get you situated
and I'll bring your husband in.

- Is that the visitors' room?
- Yeah. Why?

You don't happen
to have a private room, do you?

You mean, like, an upgrade, something
with a couch and softer lighting?

That would be lovely.

Oh! You were being sarcastic.

Yes, ma'am. Are you ready to...

Not just yet.

It's not a bad idea,
having an upgrade available.

I bet that's a perk
people would be willing to pay for.

Ma'am, it's a prison. The only perk
we offer is a cavity search.

To be honest, I...
I'm not feeling up to this.

I'm going to have to
come back another day.

Fine. He's got another
visitor scheduled anyway,

so I don't even have
to tell him you were here.

- Another visitor? Who?
- Some lady. She visits him every week.

- Every week? What's her name?
- I can't give you that.

If she's visiting my husband,
I think I have a right to know.

Ma'am, I'm sorry,
but I cannot give you her name.

Really?

Because I would consider
that a perk worth paying for.

Well, well. What are you doing here?

I wanted to see you.

And you didn't bring muffins?

It isn't that kind of visit.

No muffins and no small talk.
Should I be scared or grateful?

I stopped by the prison today.

The guard tells me
you've been visiting Orson.

Sometimes twice a week, she said.

Who knew lady prison guards
could be so chatty?

What are you up to, Edie?

I'm not up to anything,
you red-headed ice cube.

He's 15 minutes away.

And quite frankly, I feel sorry for him.

After all, I know what it's like
to be exiled from suburbia.

So you're not trying
to start up something?

He's in jail.

My boobs are impressive,
but they can't bend iron bars.

Well, thank you for checking in on him,

and for answering my question.

I have a question.

Why aren't you visiting him?

Well, my schedule is just unreal.

What with the catering company
and looking after Benjamin.

Yeah, well, we're all busy.

Come on.
Why haven't you been to see him?

That jail is... It's disgusting.

All those men in cages, like animals.

Even to step foot in that place
is humiliating.

That man went to jail for you.

Do you have any idea
how much he must love you?

I do.

Then why can't you suck it up
once a month and go and say hi?

Try to help him
get through this living nightmare.

Why can't you do that?

You know, as I think about it,
don't visit him.

He can do so much better than you.

So how are you doing?

How do you think?

You're right. I shouldn't have asked.

I know it's horrible here.

How would you know?
You've never been.

You have every right to hate me.

There's no need to be melodramatic.

I meant for asking you to come here,
for insisting you turn yourself in.

Now that I see this place,
I don't know what I was thinking.

You were thinking I needed
to take responsibility for what I did,

and you were right.

But, still, asking you
to make this sacrifice

and not ever coming to see you.

How can you ever forgive me?

Just be there when I get out.

I never told you about that,
because I was embarrassed.

Yeah, Edie Britt shamed you
into being a better human being.

That is embarrassing.

All right, ladies. We're ready to ride.

Good, we've got some ground
to make up.

I was hoping we would be
able to get there before dark.

How do you think
he'll react when we tell him?

How do you think?

I never thought Edie
would be cremated.

I figured she'd want to be pumped
full of chemicals and preserved.

Isn't that what she did
for the last 15 years?

My theory, Edie knew if she was buried,

her true date of birth would be carved
into a tombstone for all the world to see.

You really think she spent
a lot of time thinking about her death?

Yeah, I do.

I spent a night with her
right after Carlos and I got divorced.

Is this too red?
I think I need something pinker.

It's fine.

Hurry up, I want to get to the club
while this bikini wax is still fresh.

This is going to be fun.

I can't believe we've never
gone out on the town together!

Well, we've never
been single together before.

I feel so sorry
for all those other girls in the bar.

So do I.

To be fair,
we should probably walk in backwards.

Oh, no, that won't work.

We're an unstoppable team.

The hottest chicks on Wisteria Lane.

Oh, be nice. There are lots
of attractive women on this street.

- Like who?
- How about Bree?

With that hair color,
you could stick a red nose on her

and she could join the circus.

- Lynette's beautiful.
- For a baby factory.

And Susan?

We're the hottest, okay?

Wow.

Too much?

No. It's great.

All right, come on let's go.

Wow, you were right about this place.

Told you.
A lot of hotties, very few notties.

Ladies, this is from the gentleman
at the end of the bar.

And I just sat down.
Well, that's a personal best.

Actually, the drink's for her.

Well, it's pretty dark in here.

He probably didn't
get a good look at me.

Edie, don't take it personally.
We're just different types.

You're right. Some like tall, blond
and sexy, and some men like that.

Now, now, Edie, don't be snarky.
We're both hot, remember?

Although, apparently,
I'm just a little bit hotter.

Well, one guy might think so.

One guy who is evidently intimidated
by full-sized, womanly breasts.

Yes, I guess
I am a little on the small side.

That's the drawback
to having ones that are real.

What are you talking about?
These are real!

Edie, come on.
When you jump up and down,

the room moves more than your boobs.

Well, someone obviously
has a chip on her shoulder.

I'd reach down and knock it off,
but I can't go down that low.

Okay, you really think
you're hotter than me?

Let's just say that
I have more of what men want.

Yeah? Well, I have a vodka soda here
that says otherwise.

So he bought you
one drink.

A well drink, I might add.

Well, it's one more than you got.

Are you saying that I can't get a man
to buy me a cocktail?

Sure you can. Just not as many as me.

One hour.

Whoever gets the most swizzle sticks
by the end wins.

See you in an hour, loser.

I know what boys like
We know what guys want

I know what boys like
We know what's in their mind

I make them want me
I like to tease them

They want to touch me
I never let them

I know what boys like
We know what guys want

I know what boys like

Boys like, boys like me

Sucker

I know what boys like
We know what guys want

Count them and weep, Solis.

Well, I guess I could do that.

Or I could do this.

I should make some kind of speech.

But I think it's enough
we both know I crushed you, right?

Now if you'll excuse me, swizzle stick
number 17 has a yacht and giant feet.

What the hell were you thinking,
abandoning me at a singles bar?

I'm sorry, I just needed
to be by myself for a while.

Why? Don't tell me you're depressed
because you lost some stupid game.

I'm not depressed. I'm surprised.

It's going by so quickly.

What is?

My youth.

The harder I try to hold onto it,

the more it just slips
through my fingers.

And all the makeup and dim lighting
in the world can't seem to stop it.

Please. You're gorgeous.

And you are going
to stay that way forever.

That's the tricky part.
I'm not going to be old.

What?

Ever since I was a child, I've known
that I was never going to see 50.

- That's ridiculous.
- No, it's true.

As far back as I can remember,
a voice in my head said,

"Live it up today, 'cause you're
not going to have a lot of tomorrows."

You do realize there's medication
designed to get rid of those voices?

It's not a bad thing, Gabby.

It's actually a gift.

I appreciate my life
in a way that most people don't.

I just didn't expect it
to go by this fast, that's all.

You know what?

I have a voice inside my head
that says you're wrong.

It tells me that 50 years from now,

you and I will still be wearing dresses
too tight and walking in heels too high

and going to bars
where we'll meet old geezers

who'll buy us drinks with the last
of their social security checks.

If you say so.

Now come on, let's go to my house.

Let's pop open a bottle of wine
and toast to our future.

Why not?

Isn't that weird?
She knew she was going to die young.

What do you mean you two were
the hottest chicks on the lane?

She called me a "baby factory"?

Yeah, Gabby, in hindsight,

maybe you shouldn't have told
that part of the story.

I think we're here.

So are we ready for this?

I don't know.

Can you ever be ready to tell a boy
that his mother is dead?

Hey, Travers.

Remember us?

Sure. Wow, you brought
the whole neighborhood with you.

Did my mom come with you?

We brought you some muffins.

You can share them
with your roommates.

Or maybe a favorite teacher.

What's going on?
Is my mom in trouble or something?

Come here.

I'm afraid we have some bad news.

Your mom was in
a very serious accident,

and I am so sorry,

but she passed away.

She died?

- When?
- A couple of days ago.

We've been trying
to get in touch with your dad,

but he's still out of the country.

And your mom's new husband's
never met you,

so he thought
it would be best if we told you.

Wow.

If you'd like,
we could give you a moment.

No.

I'm okay.

Well, I have a class.

I'm sure the school will understand
if you need to miss a few days.

I don't need to do that.

I mean, I'm sorry she's dead,
but we weren't very close.

Still, she was your mother.

Technically. But not a very good one.

Look, Travers, we're all moms here.
We've all made mistakes with our kids.

And what we count on is
when they grow up, they'll forgive us.

My mom didn't even try to raise me.

I mean, she just handed me
to my father and walked away.

How do you expect me to forgive that?

Look, I'm sorry, I don't mean to be rude,
but I'm going to be late.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, wait a second!

Travers, you need to know
something about your mom,

and I'm gonna tell you. Now sit down.

I'd only known
your mom about a year

when she came over to my house
this one day.

Hey, Karen, your porch light's on.

Whoa. Sitting in your bathrobe
drinking, and you didn't call me?

I kind of wanted to be alone.

Why?

It's the anniversary of my son's death.

I'm sorry.

Every year, I think it'll get easier.
And it never does.

Nothing worse than losing a child.

In a way, you're kind of lucky
you don't have any.

Actually, I do.

- What?
- I have a son.

You lived here a year.
How do I not know this?

Because he lives with his father.

When I got divorced,
I gave him full custody.

So I kind of know how you feel.

I mean, we both lost kids.

No.

I lost a kid. You gave yours away.

And you have the nerve to tell me
you know how I feel?

I gave him up
because I wanted to protect him.

From who?

From me!

You know, I tried to be a good mom,
I really did.

But I know myself.

And if he...
If he was going to grow up normal,

he needed to get away from me.

What a cop-out.
I think you're just being selfish.

You know, trust me, Karen,
there is nothing that you could say

to make me think less about myself
than I already do.

But if it gives him a chance, it's worth it.

Aren't you afraid
he's going to hate you?

I love him enough to let him hate me.

Well, I hope you're not
making a big mistake.

Me, too.

So I'm not defending
everything she did, Travers.

But you have to know, she loved you,
more than you can imagine.

I really need to get to class.

I believe I called shotgun.

God, she is so good at that.

She should be. She's been doing it

since she rode shotgun
on an actual stagecoach.

Hey, hey.

I realized I never thanked you

for coming all the way out here
just to tell me.

That was really cool of you.

We felt we owed it to your mom.

- Oh, my God! I can't believe we forgot.
- What?

We also came to give you
your mom's ashes.

We thought you might want
to scatter them somewhere.

Unless that's a little weird for you.

Why don't you guys take them?

Are you sure?

Yeah.

You were her best friends.

I'm sure you could think
of the perfect place to put her.

Okay, we're here.

Guys. Wake up. Guys?

We're home. Get out.

Lord, Lynette,
you nearly gave me a heart attack!

Yeah, I'd like to see Edie again,
but not tonight.

I think my leg's asleep.

Actually, that's my leg.
Get your hand off.

Lynette, thank you again for driving.

You bet.

Hold it!

We've still got to figure out
where we're going to spread the ashes.

Now, it's got to be someplace
that was meaningful to Edie.

Well, Edie once told me
she lost her virginity in a cow pasture.

If we can find that exact field...

We'd find a lot of traumatized cows.

Do we really need to do this tonight?

They're ashes.
It's not like they're going to go bad.

Fine. We'll talk tomorrow.

Oh, Edie.
What are we going to do with you?

Subtle as always, I see.

This was a wonderful idea, Karen.

Wasn't exactly mine.
Now be careful, you're spilling Edie.

Urn is empty. Let's do it.

Shouldn't we say something first?

- Like what?
- I don't know.

A few words describing
how we felt about her?

I don't think
Edie would want us to get all sappy.

Well, I think if we're quick about it,
she'd be fine.

Here's a thought, we all say one word
that sums up what we thought of her.

- And then we dump her?
- Then we dump her.

Just one word? This is hard.

Hmm.

Okay, I've got one, I'll go first.
Edie Britt was sexy.

Perceptive.

Strong.

Beautiful.

I need four words.

God.

Okay, I want to do Edie justice,
and for that to happen,

I need four words. Okay?

Edie would so not be surprised
you're ruining this moment.

Go ahead, Susan.
What are your four words for Edie?

One of a kind.

Now, it's time.

And that is how Wisteria Lane
came to be my final resting place.

My ashes were spread over grass
I had once walked on,

beneath trees that
had once given me shade,

on top of roses I once admired,

and beside fences
I once gossiped over.

And after my friends
had finished saying goodbye,

a wind came along and took
what was left of me into the air.

As I looked down on the world,
I began to let go of it.

I let go of white picket fences
and cars in driveways,

coffee cups and vacuum cleaners...

I let go of all those things
which seem so ordinary,

but when you put them together,
they make up a life.

A life that really was one of a kind.

I'll tell you something, it's not hard
to die when you know you have lived.

And I did. Oh, how I lived.