Desperate Housewives (2004–2012): Season 5, Episode 17 - The Story of Lucy and Jessie - full transcript

Previously on Desperate Housewives.

Before we met,
I was married to someone else.

But she died.

Edie's quest began.

What would you and Katherine think
about going camping?

It's going to be fun.

And Dave's
plan moved forward.

This is gonna be fun.

Were you serious
about wanting to go back to work?

Lynette took a new path.

Now it's your turn.



Tell Carlos he's fired.

But it was Carlos' boss...

He just kept telling me he loves her.

...who was terminated.

I just wanted him to stop talking.

Come on, Gabby!
We're going to be late.

Gabrielle Solis hated going to funerals,

for all sorts of reasons.

Black was not her color.

Crying depressed her.

And lilies made her sneeze.

Also, Gabrielle despised any event

where she was not
the center of attention.

Luckily, at this funeral,
that would not be a problem.



Gabby! I was hoping you'd be here.

Everyone is saying that you
and Carlos were there.

You know, when Maria killed Bradley.

You know, Jody, I really don't think

this is the time or place
to discuss gory details.

You're absolutely right.
Sit next to me at the wake.

I want to go home.

We just got here.
Funeral hasn't even started.

Yeah, well, I have a feeling
most of these vultures

didn't come to pay their respects
to Brad.

They're just here to pump us
for dirt about his murder.

Even so, I can't be seen
walking out of here early.

These people are my co-workers.

Were your co-workers.
Bradley fired you, remember?

Yeah, and Maria killed him
eight hours later.

He might not have told anyone.
So pipe down.

We don't need people thinking
that we put the knife into Maria's hands.

- Carlos.
- Oh, hi!

Gabby, this is Owen Johnson.
Our CEO.

- Oh, hi!
- How do you do?

I know it's an awkward time,

but I must catch a plane right after
the service, and I need to talk to you.

About what?

Bradley called me before he died.

He wanted to discuss
your job performance.

Well, what did he say?

Well, sadly, by the time
I returned the call, he was dead.

Really?

But I think I know what
he wanted to tell me.

Oh!

Based upon the big bonus
he fought for Carlos to have,

it's fairly obvious he was going
to recommend a promotion.

That was my guess, too.

The terrible irony is,
he didn't realize the job

he was recommending
would turn out to be his own.

Wait. So, you're offering me Bradley's
job as president of the company?

I can't think of anyone better suited.

Now, of course, it would be
the same compensation package.

- Please, tell me you'll accept.
- He sure will.

The man has a plane to catch.

- I'd be honored to step in for Bradley.
- Good.

I'm glad we've got that handled.

Now we can focus on the sorrow
of this tragic day.

Mmm.

The same compensation package!
We're rich!

- We are at a funeral. Please be quiet.
- Okay.

Yes, Gabrielle Solis
hated going to funerals.

And for God's sake, stop smiling.

Mostly because
she couldn't pretend to be sad

when she wasn't.

You can find them
on any sidewalk in any city,

people with agendas.

The woman who calls up an old friend

because she wants
to borrow some cash.

The man who takes his boss to lunch
because he wants the corner office.

The girl who looks after her uncle
because she wants to be in the will.

Yes, you can find these people
almost anywhere,

doing what they can
to keep their agendas hidden.

- Hello.
- Hello.

I need to look someone up
in your archives.

It's a client, and he's a bit
of a smooth talker,

just want to make sure
that he's not giving me the runaround.

- Sure. What's his name?
- David Dash.

All I've got here are the obituaries.

Anything else will take me
a couple of days.

Fine. Let's start with the obits.

No David.

That's probably because he's not dead.
Try Lila.

Lila Dash.
Killed three years ago, car crash.

- That was his wife. Give me that one.
- Okay.

- You want Paige Dash, too?
- Paige?

Yeah. Their daughter.

"Paige Dash, three years old.
Daughter of Lila and David."

Says here she died in the same crash.

Who are we dishing?
I do hope it's not me.

No, we've already covered you.

We've moved on to my daughter,
the thief.

- Oh, dear. What happened?
- I'm missing my small candy dish.

I had it last night
when you guys were over for dinner,

because I remember Orson admiring it.

Yes. I remember that.

Anyway, Juanita went over
before breakfast

to invite MJ to her birthday party,
and, well, candy plus Juanita.

You don't have to be Sherlock Holmes
to crack this case.

Well, we don't know that for sure.
I could have misplaced it.

I'm sure it'll turn up somewhere.
Well, I'm off.

Andrew, cancel my lunch.

No, everything's fine.

Your stepfather's just misplaced
a few things and I need to find them.

Hey, Tom. No, still waiting.

Big surprise, they're running behind
at an ad agency.

So did any of those
other places call back?

Seriously? Six interviews and nothing.

Well, I should probably try
and keep my game face on here.

I'll... I'll call you later. I love you. Bye.

Mariana! I had a feeling
that you'd be interviewing for this!

Hey, Nikki.

So I guess Anna should be
showing up any minute, too.

- No. You didn't hear? She's pregnant.
- Oh, my God.

A kid, and she just turned 30?
Bye-bye career.

Oh. Don't start.
I'm going to be 30 in two years.

I feel so old.

Do you want to know
what's even sadder?

I just heard that Veronica's
looking for work.

And she's 39.

In this business? After 35 they take you
out back and they shoot you in the face.

Lynette Scavo, we're ready for you.

Coming.

Do me a favor, if you hear a gunshot,
tell my four kids I love them.

Now, as you listen to the music,
see what pops into your head.

What shapes does it make you see?
What colors are you thinking of?

Why are the children
drawing with crayons?

They're supposed
to be making clay vases.

Well, I wanted
to do something more free.

It's an imagination-building exercise.

Looks like a lot of scribbling to me.

Susan, these parents pay $22,000
a year to send their kids here.

As art teachers, it's our job
to give them something adorable

to put on their desks, to smile at
while they write those tuition checks.

I mean, no one's going to find this
meaningless chicken scratch adorable.

Not yours, Mia.
Yours shows real promise.

Jessie, you said that I could
plan the lesson today

and I think this is valuable.
I'm just trying to be creative.

Fine. But you know where I stand.

What's an evalley-ation, Miss Susan?

An "evaluation"?

Well, that is when someone judges
your work and gives you a grade on it.

But don't worry,
I'm not doing that today.

No, they're doing it to you.

Who?

Miss Jessie and Principal Hobson.
I heard them talking.

Oh, right. That's not until later this year.

No, it's this week.
I hope you don't get fired.

The lady with
the purple sweater argued

with Miss Jessie like you did,
and she's gone.

The lady with the purple sweater?

I never learned her name.
She wasn't here that long.

She was creative, too.

All right, everyone, grab some clay,
we're making vases.

Darling! I'm home!

Oh, and I'm famished.
What are we having for dinner?

How about a confession?

Sit down.

Start talking.

What do you want me to say?

I want you to explain to me
why this insanity is still going on.

When you stole that tape recorder,
you said it was a one-time thing,

an impulsive act of revenge.

It was, at first.

But then, I know it sounds odd,

but it started giving me a thrill.

A thrill?

Stealing a ceramic duck
gives you a thrill?

It's hard to explain.

Well, maybe you'd feel more
comfortable talking to a professional.

A psychiatrist?

Good heavens, Bree, I'm not crazy.

Look, I'll stop. I'll... I'll tell everyone
I'm sorry and return everything.

You will do no such thing.

From this moment on,
you are forbidden

from entering
any of our friends' homes.

But how are we going
to get these things back?

I'll take care of it.

I'm so glad you could make it.

I know I sprung this on you
at the last minute.

Oh, actually, I was just going to watch
a DVD and order some take-out.

So I'm looking forward
to a home-cooked meal.

Oh, well, keep looking.

Because I don't cook,
and Shanghai Panda delivers.

Well, that'll be fine.

You know, Susan, I was
a little surprised to get your invitation.

Oh, well, you know, I just think that
school is such a formal environment

and I thought it would be nice
if we could let loose

and drink a little wine,
get to know each other.

Oh, my gosh!

- What?
- Look at you.

You're like that schoolmarm
in the movies

who lets down her hair and
va-va-va-voom!

I've never gotten
a va-va-va-voom before.

- Thanks. You look nice, too.
- Oh, please.

I didn't even get a chance to change.

My ex was late picking up MJ,

which is insane because
he lives right across the street.

Your ex lives across the street?

He decided to shack up
with my best friend.

And people wonder
why I'm through with men.

- So, what are we toasting to?
- Getting to know each other better.

Oh, napkins.

I'll drink to that.

Oh, hey, Mike, come on in.

I went a little crazy
at the camping supply store.

Hey, check this out.

I got Katherine her own lantern.

I know she was a little worried

about finding the latrine
in the middle of the night.

Actually, that's why I came by.
Katherine sort of bailed.

Bailed.

You mean she's not going camping
with us?

She's really sorry,
but she's got to get her taxes done.

So Katherine is blowing us off
for taxes?

Also, I think she's worried
she'd just be a third wheel.

What? Oh, come on.

I mean, this trip is as much
about her as it is about us.

Tell her she's got to come.

First of all,
I don't tell Katherine to do anything.

And it'll be better with just us guys.

We can burp and scratch
to our heart's content.

Besides, Katherine was never part
of the original plan, anyway.

No, she wasn't.

- All right, I'll see you Saturday.
- Yeah!

You're not listening to me.

I'm not saying I'm giving up on love,
I'm saying I've already given up.

No! I will not let you.

You are too smart, and funny,
and adorable.

Am I?

It's been a long time
since I've been complimented like that.

Well, I mean it.
Anyone would be lucky to have you.

You are a catch.

Jeez, how did it get so late?

Is there a school policy
on showing up to work drunk?

It's frowned upon.

- I had the best time tonight.
- Oh, me, too.

But you know, I think we should
probably keep this between us.

- We don't want people talking at work.
- It'll be our little secret.

So, you think you might want
to do this again some time?

It's a date.

Va-va-va-voom.

So what kind of kiss
are we talking about?

A regular kiss on the mouth that lasted
a little longer than I thought it would.

So was it a good old-fashioned
American kiss,

or are we talking the infinitely
superior French variety?

Okay, I'm probably
just blowing this out of proportion.

I mean, she never even
said anything about being gay.

Well, that doesn't make any difference.

- Right, Lee?
- Why ask me?

Aside from the occasional parade,

gay men rarely interact
with lesbians in the wild.

Susan, if you're not sure
what she meant by it,

why don't you just have a talk with her?

Oh, that would be way too awkward.
She's my boss.

She's your boss?
Let her kiss you again, then sue her.

Okay, we're going
to figure this out for you.

- Were her eyes open or shut?
- I don't know.

Well, how many seconds
did the kiss last?

I don't remember.

Oh, for God's sake. Was it this?
Or was it this?

The second one.

Congratulations.
You're now dating a lesbian.

See you at the parade.

- Hey, Gabby? I'll see you.
- Bye.

I wanted to ask you something.
Feel free to say no.

Oh, honey, I'm flattered,
but I only did that to help Susan out.

Yeah, this isn't about that.

I wanted to say I heard about Carlos'
big promotion. Congratulations.

Thank you.
I mean, it's sad how it happened, but,

you know, when opportunity knocks,
you've got to answer the door, right?

Absolutely. Now, you know,
I'm looking for work?

- Oh, yeah. How's that going?
- Not great.

See, while I was working at Scavo's,
I got seven years older,

which is weird, seeing as how
all the CEOs got seven years younger.

The bottom line is,
no one wants to hire someone

who could have made out
with their dad on prom night.

Anyway, I hear Carlos is looking
for a new director of marketing.

Think you could put in
a good word for me?

Oh.

I don't know.

- You don't know?
- Well, I thought you did advertising.

Yes. I helped advertise
what companies decided to market.

It's the same thing. Come on.
You know I'd be great.

I guess.

You guess? Gabby!

Look, Lynette,
you're my friend and I love you.

But as far as knowing
if you're any good at your job...

Enough with the shrugging. Come on.

You're putting me in a tough spot.

Carlos is under a lot of pressure now

and he's not really in a position
to be taking big risks.

You think I'm a big risk?

Well...

Okay, that's it. Fourth shrug, I'm out.
Thanks for your help.

Yeah, just follow the road as it curves.
We're the second house on the left.

Okay, bye.

Place looks great, babe.
Thanks for doing this.

It's all part of being the president's wife.

So tell me about your new hire.
She's going to be your number two?

Yeah, and I'm lucky to get her.
Smart as a whip, Harvard MBA.

I've probably mentioned her before.
Lucy Blackburn.

Maybe I'll go put on some music.

Lucy Blackburn?

Please tell me it's a coincidence
that your new VP

has the same name
as your ex-girlfriend.

She wasn't my girlfriend.

We were roommates,
we shared an apartment.

You told me you slept with her.

Well, it was a small apartment.

Come on, it was a casual thing
and it was a million years ago.

I don't care!
Why couldn't you have told me this

before she's about to appear
on my doorstep?

I wanted to, but you were always next
to something sharp.

Gabby, I am in over my head
with this new job,

and I need Lucy's help.
Please don't be jealous.

I'm not jealous. It's just...
You can't hire her.

I'm Mrs. President and I get a vote.

There she is.
Now, please, I'm begging you.

Well, you can beg all you want.
I am not on board with this!

Hey, Lucy!

Hey. Hi. I'm Lucy.
You must be Gabrielle.

You can call me Gabby. Come on in.

I'm on board.

I got a bead on Charlie Fields for CFO.

Charlie Fields?
There's no way you're gonna get him.

He's the number two guy
at Brewster and Parent.

Relax, it'll take some maneuvering,
but I'll make it happen.

- How?
- Carlos, you're the president.

It's best you don't know
where the bodies are buried.

Well, speak of the devil.
If you'll excuse me,

I have some professional ethics
that need compromising.

Wow. Now I know why
you wanted to hire her.

She's a force of nature.

- You should see her close a deal.
- I bet.

So were you surprised
when the door opened?

What do you mean?

Well, she's obviously
stopped counting calories

since the last time you saw her.

No, she looks about the same.

What? But you two used to have sex.

Yeah. So?

So don't get me wrong, she's attractive.

It's just, she's not really your type.
Your type is skinny model.

Okay, so you're not going
to see her on a runway.

- Except maybe at an airport.
- Gabby!

You think I'm that shallow,
that all I go by is looks?

Yeah. I thought that was something
we had in common.

Look, Lucy is brilliant, and witty,

and has more confidence
than anybody I've ever met.

That type of personality
can be very seductive.

- Someone light me a cigar.
- You got him?

I find poaching is easier when you
lead with, "We'll double your salary."

Sizzle me.

There it is. That thrill you get
from taking something that's not yours.

Hey! Are you still looking
for a marketing director?

I have a friend that I would love
to see working with you two.

No problem, Bree.

We buy Aspirin by the pound
in this house. I'll get you some.

Oh, you're a lifesaver!

Yes, we have lots of screwdrivers.
What kind do you need? Phillips head?

Yes, that would be lovely.

I don't have cumin,
but I probably have cinnamon.

Oh! Close enough.

Yeah, no problem.
Two eggs, coming right up.

Oh, wait.

I made omelets this morning,
so I'm all out.

Oh, that's all right.
I'll just go to the store.

Where did that come from?

Oh, I don't know, but it's awfully cute.

Unbelievable.
Juanita, get your butt down here!

Why are you calling Juanita?

To find out what McCluskey's
sleeping Mexican is doing in my house.

That's not yours?

- No. Why would you think that?
- Oh, I don't know.

But, you know, there it is.

It's been sitting
on McCluskey's porch for years.

I keep telling her how racist it is.

First the candy bowl and now this?

How many times have I told you
not to steal?

I didn't take that.

Juanita, you play with it
every time we go by Mrs. McCluskey's.

Now either tell me the truth or
I'm going to cancel your birthday party.

- I am telling the truth.
- That's it. Party's over.

Gabby, aren't you being a little harsh?
I mean, perhaps she didn't take it.

Well, then how else did it get here?

Maybe she did it.

Juanita!

Whenever my children stole,

I sent them to bed without any supper.
Just a thought.

Orson! Orson! Orson, Orson!

Orson! Stop!

Hi, Bree!

What were you doing
at Bob and Lee's?

Oh, they invited me over for coffee.

After I told you to stay out
of the neighbors' houses?

- You stole again, didn't you?
- No. No, I didn't.

- What're you hiding behind your back?
- Nothing.

It's mine.

You're telling me you own a mug with a
picture of Bernadette Peters in Gypsy?

This is quite a r?sum? you've got here.

- Northwestern, huh?
- Yep. Thank you.

So, Lynette...

How old are you?

Mr. Vivinetto, I'm not obligated
to answer. It's the law.

Right, right.
I was only asking because I...

I also went to Northwestern, I thought
maybe we crossed paths there.

Oh.

What... What year did you graduate?

Well, if I was dumb enough
to answer that,

I never would have gotten
into Northwestern.

I understand.
But I'm going to be honest here.

We have certain accounts that cater
to specific demographics...

Okay, I'm going to stop you.
What is this obsession with age?

I am a vital woman with passion,

and a library of knowledge
when it comes to this industry.

Why doesn't that count for something?

What I'm saying is, we just landed

the Cosgrove's Revitalizing Serum
account.

It's an anti-wrinkle cream,

and I need someone more mature
who can identify with the...

I'm 54.

He didn't even flinch.
I said I was 54 and he bought it.

There was not a
"Wow, you look great for your age."

Not even a courtesy gasp.

Look, you got the job,
you're making $80,000 a year.

What does it matter?

It matters because I'm only 43.
And I look like I'm 39.

You're 43? But I'm two years younger
than you and...

Nobody cares how old you are, Tom.

- Hi!
- Great news, you got the job!

Yeah. How'd you hear about it?

Hear about it? Honey, I did it.
I talked to Carlos. You're in.

Oh, wow. That job.
I don't know what to say.

Say, "How do I thank you,
greatest friend in the world?

"What's your birth stone?"

Well, thank you, greatest friend,
but I just accepted another job.

Well, un-accept it.
You have to take this job.

- It's essential that you be there.
- Why?

- Because it's a great opportunity.
- I'm confused.

Before you didn't even want
to talk to him.

You weren't even sure I was good.

Yeah. Yes.
And then I went home and thought,

"What a horrible thing
to say to such a dear, dear friend

"who's probably really,
really good at her job."

So I said,
"Carlos, you have to hire Lynette."

I don't know.

Well, he'd have to match
my current offer.

Yeah, okay. What are they paying?

Hundred thousand a year.

- I don't think that'll be a problem.
- Oh.

By the way, you're going
to be reporting to this woman, Lucy.

She's a real star. So you're going
to want to keep an eye on her.

- Decaf soy latte. Your favorite.
- Thanks.

- I was thinking about the other night...
- Me, too.

Maybe Friday you could come over to
my place and we could hang out, or...

You know, I... I think you may
have gotten the wrong impression.

I'm not into women.

Mmm-hmm.

Nice boots.

I thought it was going to rain, okay?
Really, I'm not gay.

Mmm-hmm.

Then what was all that stuff about
the other night?

The... The touching my knee?

The "Oh, you look so sexy"?
The good-night kiss?

- Oh, well, that kiss was all you.
- Oh, it was?

I seem to remember you being there
and not pulling away.

Why didn't you say something then?

- Well, that's because... Because I...
- Because you're tired of living a lie.

What?

I was you 20 years ago, Susan.

You're obviously worried there's
a lesbian inside of you trying to get out.

Actually, I'm more worried
about the lesbian

that's outside of me trying to get in.

Can we just teach the class
and talk about this later?

Fine.

Shouldn't
you be doing your taxes?

Oh, God, Dave. You scared me.

Oh, sorry about that. What's this I
hear about you not going camping?

Oh, well, it is that time of year and
I've got all these receipts to go through.

I've got to say, I'm mighty disappointed.

Please. I'm sure you're relieved

there won't be a girl tagging along
to spoil all your macho fun.

Well, see,
now that's where you're wrong.

I mostly saw this trip as a chance
to get to know you better.

Me? Why?

Katherine, the truth is
I don't have a lot of friends.

Maybe that's why Mike's
become so important to me.

And ever since you came into his life,
well, I can see the change.

He's so much happier.
So much more relaxed.

You've given him
this sort of inner peace.

I just thought it would be cool
to become buddies with the woman

who did that for my friend.

Well, when you put it that way...

So you'll go camping with us?

- I'll go start packing my fleece.
- Fantastic.

Dave?

You really think I've made that much
of a difference in Mike's life?

Oh, absolutely. If he ever lost you,
it would destroy him.

Okay, class, let's see how our animals
of Africa drawings are going.

Oh, Emma, this is beautiful.

Emma drew a gazelle. Isn't she pretty?

Zachary, is that a rhinoceros?

Wow, he looks so big and strong!
I love rhinos.

Do you, Susan? Do you really?

Excuse me?

I'm just saying, if you were on safari

and you saw a sleek gazelle
next to a grunting, sweaty rhino,

your eye wouldn't go straight
to the gazelle?

Though I would definitely appreciate
the beauty of the gazelle,

if I was going to take a trip to Africa,

I would be more excited
to see the rhinos.

- I like rhinos, too.
- Yes, we know, Jeffrey.

We've all seen you playing hopscotch
at recess.

Are you gonna tell me that you've never
had any experience with gazelles?

Not even in college?

No. And I was on the softball team.

Look, Susan, why don't you just say it?

This particular gazelle
isn't young enough for you.

- And you don't want to hurt my feelings.
- That is not true.

And I think we are dangerously close
to no longer speaking in metaphor.

Well, then why were you
so interested in me in the first place?

Why did you ask me to your house?

Because I wanted you
to give me a good evaluation.

I see.

It was nice knowing you, Miss Susan.

The problem, how to attract high
net worth clients in a down economy.

The solution? Be creative.

Christie's is hosting its first ever
sea auction on a yacht in St. Barts.

I see a boat full of millionaires
waiting to be wooed.

This is not a bad idea.

Besides, I haven't been to St. Barts
since you took me there

to celebrate my first promotion.

- That was a fun weekend.
- Yeah.

- Let's do it.
- Yeah.

I've got to take this, I'll be right back.

Okay. Okay.

Not to pry, but when you said Carlos
took you to St. Barts...

Oh, yeah, we lived together
for a while back in the day.

Oh.

Gabby didn't mention that.

See, that is what I love about her.

Most women would freak out
if their husband hired an ex-girlfriend,

and they were working together
un-chaperoned.

But she's got the confidence
to just be cool with it.

Yeah. Yeah.

That Gabby's a real class act.

- Jessie, I... I'm so sorry.
- Why? You were just being honest.

Still, I never meant to lead you on.

Uh-huh.

Well, I was planning on giving you
a good evaluation anyway.

So everything's fine.

Look, I need this job.

But even if I didn't,
I would still like you as a person.

Please, stop. I don't need your pity.

See, now, I don't get
why people say that.

It's like, I love pity.

Pity means someone is trying
to understand

what you're going through.
That they sympathize. And I do.

Susan, I'm someone who never
went out and looked for love.

I assumed it would find me.
But it didn't.

And now I'm making a fool of myself,
throwing myself at straight women,

because I'm so afraid of being alone.

Now how can you possibly
understand that?

Well, here's how, I spent my whole life
putting myself out there,

and I'm still, today, alone. Just like you.

- It's not the same.
- Well, okay, it's not.

Because I'm alone, but I'm not lonely
because I have friends.

Love doesn't happen for everyone.

You know what, I don't even know
if it's going to happen for me anymore.

But my friends are there for me
no matter what, and that helps.

So at the very least, you know,
let me be there for you as a friend.

That'd be nice.

Do your friends hug?

- What's that in the garbage can?
- My boots.

Hey! What are you doing here?

I just wanted to see
how your first day went.

Sit. Take a load off. Spill it!

Well, that is so thoughtful of you.
You're such a good friend.

- Oh, well, you know me.
- Yeah, I do.

So, did you get a good office?
Were the people nice?

Oh, what about Lucy? Did you like her?

Actually, I am kind of tired.
I think I'm going to head inside.

What's going on?

I mention Lucy and you get all weird.

Is something going on with her, Carlos?

What? No.
I'm sure she's just affectionate.

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
what do you mean by affectionate?

Well, it's probably nothing.

But when Carlos works
on his computer at home,

does he take his shirt off there, too?

That son of a... I'm going to kill him.

No, you won't get the chance,
because I'm going to kill you first.

Huh?

The house lights are up, Gabby,
you can drop the act.

You only helped me get this job
because you needed a spy.

How dare you! And, yes, I did.

- Gabby!
- You needed a job. I did you a favor.

And then I brought you hot cocoa.
Why don't you ever thank me?

Because you used me. At least when
I asked you for a favor, I was up front.

Oh, were you, Miss
"they offered me $ 100,000 a year"?

Oh.

You found out about that?

Honey, I've played poker with you
for the past nine years.

I think I can tell when you're bluffing.

Okay. It's true.
I used you to get more money.

- But you used me first.
- Fine. We're a couple of users.

The big question is,
are we still friends?

- Do I still get my salary?
- Will you still be my spy?

Dave, I'm curious about something.

What about?

Well, how do you feel about kids?

- Kids?
- Yeah. Haven't you ever wanted one?

Is this your coy way of telling me
that you want a child?

Maybe.

I hardly get to see Travers anymore
now that he's off at prep school.

And I always wanted a girl.

Doesn't that sound like heaven?
A beautiful little girl with blonde curls.

I had this friend who had a little girl.

From the moment she was born,
she was his whole life.

Unfortunately, she was in an accident
and died.

He told me that when that happened,
part of him died, too.

He spent the rest of his life
in a kind of daze.

Always wondering exactly
how old she would have been,

what she would have looked like.

No, I don't think I'd want a child.
Just not worth it.

- Are you okay, babe?
- Yeah, I... Just sad for your friend.

Yeah.

I had hoped that
this compulsion to steal

was something
we could solve privately,

but Orson seems unable, or unwilling,
to control himself.

Is that true, Orson?
Are you unable to control yourself?

You'll see when he leaves
and your lamp is missing.

So how do you want to proceed?

Would you like to begin
with some couples counseling?

This isn't my problem, Dr. Bernstein.
He's the sick one.

Fix him.

You know why she's so angry?

Because this is something
she can't control.

And I love it.

Now, there's no phone in the cabin,

but if it's an emergency,
you can reach me on my cell.

You just be careful out there.

I don't know what I'd do without you.

Bye.

Here's the article that lady
was looking for.

You want me to fax it?

Take your time. She's a pain in the ass.

She's pretty hot, though.

How does that help me?
She can wait until tomorrow.

All right.

You can find them almost anywhere,

friendly people with hidden agendas.

The woman who uses her neighbor
to get herself a job.

The wife who uses her influence
to hire a friendly spy.

The husband who uses his charm
to steal from his friends.

And you can be sure
the friendliest people of all

have agendas
that won't ever be discovered,

not until it's too late.