Desperate Housewives (2004–2012): Season 5, Episode 16 - Crime Doesn't Pay - full transcript

A dinner engagement results in Lynette and Tom competing for Bree's job offer; Gabrielle finds herself in a precarious position with Carlos' cheating boss; Susan becomes more unsettled ...

Previously on Desperate Housewives.

Dave got caught.

You changed your name
and you're living in Fairview.

It's not healthy or safe.

Gabby got leverage.

I'm getting that bonus
after all.

So, Brad, what sort of bonus
are we looking at?

Katherine dropped a bomb.

- Mike's moving in here.
- What?

Tom called it quits.

If we're gonna sell this place,

we should probably know
exactly how much it's worth.

And Bree got honest.

You're paid based on your contribution.

You're saying I'm worthless.

No. I'm just saying you're worth less.

Which resulted
in some strange behavior.

Everyone who met Orson Hodge
knew he believed in being polite.

He greeted his neighbors each day
with a sunny...

Good morning.

He opened doors for young women
with a gallant...

Allow me.

If he bumped into a stranger
on the street, he'd cheerfully say...

I beg your pardon.

And if one of his friends
was having a hard time,

Orson was the first to say...

You need some help there?

Whether his friend
wanted his help or not.

Orson? What are you doing here?

Well, I heard about your
going-out-of-business sale

and I thought you could use a hand.

I'm good. Thanks.

This is charming.

Ah, it's a salt shaker
my grandfather gave me.

Used to display it on the shelf.

How much you want for it?

It's not for sale. Everything in that box
is stuff I'm taking with me.


Okay. Just trying to help out.

I know it's a difficult day.

And I think I, of all people, understand
what it is you're going through.

Why you of all people?

Well, I know what it's like to have
your livelihood suddenly vanish.

Remember, I used to be a dentist.



Of course, it's not really the same, is it?

What's not?

My business started going south
because of a bad economy.

It got worse when my son was accused
of a crime that he didn't commit.

But you lost your license

because you went to prison
for a crime you did commit.

Why are you being this way?

Because what's happening to me
is unfair. What happened to you was...

- Justice?
- Yeah.

And to compare my situation
with yours, on a day like this...

Well, I've got to tell you,
it's a little insulting.

Then I apologize.
My intention was never to insult you.

I wanted to support you
in your hour of need.


- Vultures are starting to arrive.
- I'll leave you to it then.

Yes. Everyone who met Orson Hodge

knew he believed in being polite.

What they didn't know is

that he also believed in punishing
those who weren't.

The day after Mike Delfino

moved in with Katherine Mayfair,

she thought it would be nice
to share her happiness.

So she decided

to throw a housewarming party
for her friends and neighbors.

But from the moment
the first invitation was delivered,

her friends began making assumptions

about those who had been invited,
and about those who hadn't.

I know it's late notice, but I do hope
you'll all be able to make it.

Now, does this really mean no gifts,

or is it like when Gabby says "no gifts"
and she means "no cheap gifts"?

You know, Katherine,
if you need any help,

- I would be happy to make my famous...
- Shh!

Hey, guys. What are we talking about?

The federal deficit. That sucker's big.

Actually, Susan, we were talking about
my housewarming party.

Oh, yeah. I'm so excited.

- You got my RSVP, right?
- Yes, I'm so glad you're coming.

Oh, by the way,
can you bring your blue punch bowl?

- Absolutely. Anything else you need?
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

What's happening here?
Why isn't hair being pulled?

Why would we do that?

Let's see,
she's shacking up with your ex?

Something which, when I do it,
I get an angry mob on my front lawn.

I mean,
let's be honest, Susan.

You weren't exactly over the moon

when you heard
they were gonna live together.

Well, yes, I was upset at first.

But, you know, Mike was gonna be
with someone eventually

and I consider myself lucky
that it was someone who,

after all is said and done,
has always been my true friend.

Susan, that's very sweet.

- And admirable.
- And abnormal.

Hey, Gabby.
Remember when I was with Carlos?

- Shut it, bitch.
- See? That's normal.

I'll give you 6,000 for it.

What? It's a $ 12,000 oven.

- There's a dent in the door.
- Not a dent. A fist print.

My husband's been
a little frustrated lately.

On the plus side, it matches
the shoe print on the dishwasher.

6,200. Take it or leave it.

Fine. Congratulations,
you just stole a pizza oven.

- Hey.
- Hey, I got 6,200 for the oven.

What? That guy is ripping us off.

Yeah, well,
putting an "everything must go" sign

kind of eroded our bargaining position.

How are we doing on the other stuff?

Well, by the end of the day, we should
be able to pay off our creditors,

give Bree back
the 20,000 that we owe her,

and have enough to live on
for 45 minutes.

Forget I asked.
I don't want to talk about it now.

Look, I know
this is a crappy day for you,

but we need to start thinking
about what our plans are going to be.

- I told you, I'm gonna get a job.
- And that is so great.

So, when do you think
that great thing might happen?

Lynette, don't.

It's taking everything I've got
not to lose it right now.

I'm sorry.

You honestly think you're gonna get
200 for that cappuccino machine?

I'll give you 50.

50 bucks?

I think you'd better stop
with the bargain hunting,

unless you want your face
to match the oven and the dishwasher.

Hey, guys!

What the hell are they doing here?

They had theater tickets
and their sitter canceled.

We're only gonna watch their kids
for a couple hours.

Good idea, Gabby. We're helping
the slimeball cheat on his wife,

why not babysit for him, too?


- Oh, you guys are angels for doing this.
- Well, what are friends for?

Speaking of which, thanks for
hooking Brad up with his new girl.

Shayla, right?

You know,
that hairstylist you recommended.

I was at the mall making
an appointment and Maria walked by.

Oh, that Shayla.

How many Shaylas do you know?

Two. Two.
There's Shayla the hairstylist,

and then there's this other Shayla
I know who's a home-wrecking whore.

Hey, Carlos, why don't you
take Maria and the kids inside

- and introduce them to the girls?
- Guys.

- Go on in.
- Bye.

Come on. Let's go.

You're using me as an alibi now?

I paid you 30 grand.
I want my money's worth.

And, by the way,
your tennis game with Maria tomorrow?

You need to move it to noon.

Why, so you can
go get another haircut?

Shayla's got a couple hours off
and I want to spend them with her.

Well, Bradley, we all want things.

For instance, I would like Carlos
to have a week off next month.

Impossible. It's our busiest time.

Come on, Brad,
we don't want to be late.

Oh, Gabby, we're still on
for tennis tomorrow, right? 4:00?

4:00? Let me think.

Actually, noon would be better for me.
Could you do noon?

Oh, I was supposed to have lunch
with Brad. Do you mind, sweetie?

Well, I was really looking forward to it,
but go ahead. You girls have fun.

Listen to him.
Can you believe this guy?

Nope. He is not to be believed.

My, what an interesting coat hanger.
It's shaped like a sofa.

Please put it in the closet.

Sorry, darling.

Orson? Why do you have a salt shaker
from Scavo's Pizzeria?


I stopped by
to express my sympathies with Tom,

and I remember looking at it,

and I guess
I absentmindedly put it in my pocket.

Well, take it back now.
They're liquidating

and they're gonna need
every penny they can get.

I want to stay here, with you.

Me no like-a the Scavos so much.

- No?
- No.

Very well.

Though, I'm not looking forward
to going down there again.

- Really?
- Yes.

I only went down there to commiserate
and he was very dismissive.

Tom has a lot on his mind.
I'm sure he didn't mean it.

You weren't there, Bree.
He was downright rude.

You know,
it would serve him right if I kept this.

Don't be ridiculous. Tom's rudeness
does not give you license to steal.

Return it immediately.

But you such a pretty girl.

I want to live-a here, with you.


- Oh, great, you found the punch bowl.
- Washed, cleaned, ready to go.

Sorry about the mess.
Mike's still unpacking.

Hey, did you manage to keep that
antler chandelier out of here?

Yeah, that went right to the garage.

The tough one was the framed towel
with some football guy's sweat on it.

That football guy is Peyton Manning.
You would do well to learn that name.



Now, that, I really love.

I almost couldn't believe
he had something that nice.

- Thank you.
- For what?

I painted it. It was a gift for him.


You painted that? He didn't mention it.

Yeah, it was a little beach we went to
for our honeymoon.

I mean, you know how much
Mike loves the ocean.

Yeah. Now he can see it every day.

Anyway, can't wait for the party.
It's gonna be fun.


I'm sorry you have to go through this.
It must be so hard.

The hard part was when
my friend tried to help me with a loan,

and I thanked her by
becoming a lunatic and denting her car.

Now that you brought it up...

Lynette, I've been feeling just awful

about the way
I took over your restaurant

and insulted you, and...
What can I say?

I think we have the kind of friendship
where you don't have to say anything.

Let's just hug and move on. Okay?

- How's Tom holding up?
- He's doing great.

- Isn't it noon?
- Yeah, he's up early today.

He just doesn't know
what he's doing next.

Maybe I can help.

My publisher is thinking about
doing his advertising in-house,

and he's been looking for someone.

- Seriously?
- Yeah.

Oh, my God. That would be great.

And if he gets the job,
you can actually cash the check.

I tell you what. I will invite Bruce over
for dinner. You and Tom can join us,

and we'll turn it into
a low-pressure job interview.

Thank you.
This will really cheer Tom up.

Great. I'll call Bruce this afternoon.

Could you call him now?

Hey, Mike. I'm looking forward to
one of your world-famous martinis.

Yeah, so was Mrs. McCluskey.
She got here early.

But don't panic,
I sent Edie out for more booze.

Ah, so you sent the mouse
to buy the cheese. Well done.

Well, look who's here.
Somebody owes me $20.

How about we let it ride.

Double or nothing,
McCluskey slugs someone by 5:00.

Katherine and I told you guys
we were taking the high road.

Why won't you believe us?

Because I vividly remember yesterday,
and I wasn't born during it.

Okay, you know what?

Let me show you something
I think might change your mind.

So, Katherine has a picture
that I painted for Mike

hanging over her mantelpiece.

- Does she know you painted it?
- Yes.

We talked all about it. She loves it.

- You painted that? Wow, you're good.
- What? Where the hell is it?

Bye-bye, high road.

What's with the puss?

Katherine hung one of Mike's paintings
over the mantel

until she found out Susan painted it,
then she took it down.

Something tells me
this party's about to get good.

You know, there could be
a perfectly innocent explanation.

Hey, Kathy.
What happened to Susan's painting?


I am such a klutz.

I was dusting yesterday
and, well, it just fell.

The glass shattered,
and I took it to the framer.

It'll be back in a jiffy.

Excuse me.

See? A perfectly innocent
bald-faced lie.

That is possible.

I just drained a pitcher of martinis,
I'm not buying it.

Really, Susan,
there's not a woman in the world

who doesn't know
what "I broke it dusting" means.

That's how I got rid of Tom's last bottle
of Musk, the cologne for men.

All right, you guys think what you want.
I'm gonna choose to believe her.

All right, so we have
whiskey and bourbon.

What else does Mike want?

We need a system.

Let's start over there in Scotland,

head over to Russia,
and work our way around the globe.

Wow, it's crowded in here.

Probably buying lottery tickets.
The jackpot's 100 million.

Look, there's a priest.
I knew that vow of poverty was a crock.


You remember me. Father Drance.

I didn't know
you'd moved back to the area.

Oh, I just remembered.
Mike wants vermouth.

- Can you grab that before we forget?
- Sure. Right away.

It's wonderful to see you
looking so well.

Shut up.

I'm only gonna say this once.
I've moved on.

I've remarried, I have a new life,
and that's the way I want it to stay.

- New.
- Of course.

So, what was that about?

He said we sat together once
on an airplane.

Apparently he's less memorable
than he thinks he is.

Come on, I don't want to miss the party.

Fine. Fine.

Fine, I will do it, but you owe me.

I've got to go.

Let me guess. Brad.

Yes, he wants me
to take Maria shopping tomorrow.

Yeah, so he can grab a quickie.

You know, this whole thing
is disgusting. I can't take it anymore.

I know, just keep reminding yourself
that we're getting things out of it, too.

Things I don't want.
Things I haven't earned.

No. I'm gonna tell Bradley we're out.

What? You can't do that.
You'll lose your job and all that money.

- I don't care about the money.
- I do.

And so does my personal shopper
and Pilates instructor.

Gabby, no. We're doing the right thing.

Or we can make someone else
do the right thing.

Gabby, what does that mean?

Means tomorrow I'm going to the mall
to get my hair cut by a slut.

Hey, look what I found.
My beach painting.

Oh, yeah. Katherine told me it broke.
Sorry about that.

Yeah, that's what she told me, too.
Only, it didn't.

- That's weird. Why would she...
- I don't know.

She seemed to love the painting
until I told her that I painted it.

Excuse me just a minute.

I'm not making a big deal,
I just want to know why you lied.

Mike, please, not now.
We have a house full of guests.

No, we'll talk about this now.

- What are you doing?
- Nothing.

Susan showed me the painting,
there's not a scratch on it.

She what?

You didn't.


- I hope you enjoyed that.
- I didn't.

I didn't.

So, what are we thinking?

- Well, Shayla... It is Shayla, right?
- Mmm-hmm.

I need a fresh look.

I've been going through some
pretty intense personal stuff lately.

Oh, really?

Fine, I'll tell you.

I have been having an affair
with a married man.

And it's come to that point where
I can't even look at myself in the mirror.

So I want a new style that says,
"I am not a giant turd of sin."

Well, it's not your fault
that you fell in love with a married man.

Yeah, that's what I thought at first,
and then I realized that's stupid.

I mean, what about his poor wife?

Maybe she doesn't love him enough.

Oh, no, she does.
She loves him plenty.

So, you want to
take the bangs up a little bit?

And he has kids.
Two adorable little kids.

That's sad. But sometimes
you just have to look out for yourself.

Well, maybe I am tired of being
that kind of selfish bitch.

Have you ever considered highlights?

Focus, Shayla!

We are talking about how
I'm ruining innocent people's lives.

Gabby, you seem like a lovely,
warm person. Stop beating yourself up.

Oh, for God's sakes,
you bleached-blonde twit.

I'm not talking about me!
I'm talking about you and Bradley!

What? What is this? Who are you?

I'm a friend of Maria's,

who, by the way, happens to be
a warm and lovely person.

Well, maybe she is,
but Brad doesn't love her.

He says he's gonna leave her.

Oh, Shayla, he's lying. She's pregnant.

That's impossible.
They haven't had sex in over a year.

Well, call the Vatican,

'cause we're gonna need a manger
and some hay!

- Get out.
- I'm just trying to protect you here.

I said, "Get out." Now.

Okay, let's just take a deep breath here.

Let's not do anything
we're gonna regret.


This is why people
should never get their hair cut in a mall!

You couldn't shave?

Come on, Tom. You need to look nice.

Bree's going to a lot of trouble
for this dinner.

What? Is she debuting
a new salmon puff?

Okay. I was gonna wait to tell you this
when you were in a good mood,

but I realize that's not gonna happen,

so Bree has a special guest tonight,
her publisher.

And, as luck would have it, he's looking
to hire a new marketing executive.

Oh, my God. What are you...

Are you tricking me
into a job interview?

I'll find something, okay?
I just need some time.

You're grieving. I get it.
But this sounds like a fantastic job.

Please, just hear the guy out.
And make a nice impression.

Fine. I'll shave.

And brush your teeth,
my eyes are watering.

And don't just wet the toothbrush!
I can tell!

- Bruce!
- Hello.

- Hi, come on in.
- Hi.

Thank you so much
for joining us tonight.

- May I take your coat?
- Sure.

Let me...

Wait, let me get my brain out of there.
I never go anywhere without this.

That way, when I get a bright idea,
wham, right into the tape recorder.

- Sounds like quite a handy gizmo.
- Thank you, Orville.

- It's Orson.
- Orville, Orson...

Either way, he came home from
the playground covered in bruises.

Am I right?

Idea for children's book.

Kid who gets the crap kicked out of him
because he has a goofy name.

Could be "Orson."

Oh, that's them. Wait till you meet Tom,

you'll be so glad
you had that tape recorder.

He's just bursting with ideas.

- Hi!
- Lynette, Tom, hi!

I'd like you
to meet my publisher, Bruce.

It's nice to meet you.

Hey. Bree, I'm getting a beer,
if you don't mind.

Hey, Katherine.

Mike is standing across the street
watching to make sure I apologize,

even though it's clear to me you're
the one who should be apologizing

for the way you ruined my party.

One, two, three.

Well, that should be long enough.
So here.

Kiss my ass. Bye.

Hold on.

I'm sorry.

But neither of us exactly
gets a gold star for model behavior.

- It's not the same.
- Why not?

You loved that painting
until you found out that I did it.

And then you acted totally petty.
So why am I the only bad guy here?

Let me ask you something, okay?

Didn't it give you
just the tiniest little thrill

to tell me that that painting
that I was so happy about was yours?

That I had something in my house

that represented the love
between you and Mike?


Then what were you doing, Susan?

Can't you see how hard this is for me?

You live right across the street.
You guys share a kid.

Do I have to have
a painting of your honeymoon, too?

Look, I knew I wasn't gonna get
a clean slate with Mike, okay?

I just wanted a clean mantelpiece.

Fantastic dinner, Bree.
This was a great idea.

Well, I just wanted to
get you together with Tom here.

I thought you two might hit it off.

Yeah. Tom, Bree says
you used to be quite the ad whiz.


- I don't know.
- He's being modest. He was the best.

Good, because I'm looking for someone
to head up a new division.

I'm gonna put some coffee on.
Orson, would you give me a hand?

Let these three chat.

So, do you think you have any interest
in getting back in the game?

I don't know. Timing's a little weird.

How so?

I don't know.

Well, Tom was just running
a very successful restaurant

and he just sold it at a handsome profit.

So he's waiting
for the right opportunity.

You might have to do
a little selling here, Bruce.


I guess the good ones
are always the hardest to land.

- Yeah.
- Let me give it a shot.

We represent a small stable

of elite non-fiction authors
from all over the world.

So you'd be working closely
with those writers

to come up with creative approaches
to selling their books.

That sounds amazing.

I don't know. Are there more potatoes?

You can have mine.

Stop saying "I don't know."

Sounds like there's a lot of travel,

and I'm not, you know,
really big on living out of a suitcase.

Even to do two weeks
at the book fair in Paris

while you stay at a five-star hotel?

- Paris? Like France?
- Yes, like the greatest city in the world.

Gee, I'm getting Lynette excited.

Too bad you don't have
any advertising experience.

Actually, I have 12 years of experience.

- Really?
- Yeah.

I was account executive for eight years,
VP for four more after that,

and, by the way,

I wrote my graduate thesis
on the rise of the non-fiction novel.


I know. So what kind of starting salary
were you talking about?

- Lynette, can I see you for a sec?
- Okay.

Bruce, could you hold that thought?
I'm gonna be right back.

Well? We're on pins and needles.
How's it going?

What the hell are you doing?

I'm getting this job,
that's what I'm doing.

I thought it was my job.

Well, you're not acting
like you want it very much,

Mr. "I don't know,
are there any more potatoes?"

It's not that I don't want it.
It's just that it's all happening so fast.

I need a little time to lick my wounds.

Okay. You lick. I'm going to Paris.

- You're not taking my job.
- Your job?

The one you're magically gonna get
by sulking and acting like a brat?

You had a shot, you blew it!

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.

You just messed with the bull, sister.

Prepare to get the horns.

Maybe we should slice the tart in here.

I don't want to bring
a large knife into this.

Bruce, I was just saying to Lynette,

I gave you my
"I don't really care about this job" thing

to see if you really care about this job,
and you do. And I like that.


Now, we haven't talked
compensation package yet,

- but I got a good feeling...
- You know, Tom, you're right.

Bruce does care about this job.

That's why he wants to make sure
he gets the perfect person for it.

Well, Lynette, you yourself said
I was the best.

Oh, you were. You were the best person
who ever worked for me.

I used to be his boss.

This is not what I had in mind.

I don't know why either one of them
wants to work for that jackass.

Now, now. He's been very good to me.

Well, of course he has, because
he knows you make him a lot of money.

Me, on the other hand,
he sees as an insignificant little man,

barely worth mentioning

as he talks into his annoying,
penis-shaped tape recorder.

So I said to him, "Je crois que c'est
I'homme qui fait les chefs d'oeuvre,"

and he said to me,

"Non, Lynette, ce sont les chefs
d'oeuvre qui font I'homme."

Great story. I assume.
I don't speak another language.

But I've had ad campaigns
translated into 12 different ones.

Including Professor Crispy's
Potato Chips.

- I loved that campaign. You did that?
- I did.

Yes, Tom was very good at his job.
Right up until he got fired.

Well, actually,
I was relieved to get fired.

My boss was kind of a ball-buster.
Oops, she's right here.

Well, would anyone
care for something sweet?

I know I would.


we've all had our troubles as bosses,
haven't we, Tom?

I was sort of sugar-coating it

when I said
his restaurant was very successful.

The truth is, he mismanaged
that pizza joint right into the ground.

Let me be very clear.
I think Lynette is fantastic.

She is a great manager,

she's got terrific people skills
and is very reliable.

As long as
the cancer doesn't flare up again.

You know what?

It's getting late.
I should probably hit the road.

But what about the job?

Yeah, I just started looking.
I'm sure it's gonna be a long process.

But, trust me,
you've certainly made an impression.

I'll get your coat.

It's a shame you can't stay for dessert.
I've made tarte tatin.

Idea for novel. Woman who's married
to a gay man and doesn't know it.

Well, thanks again.

I don't know when I've had
such an interesting evening.

I'll call you tomorrow,
and we'll talk about your friends.

Bruce, why don't I wrap up
a piece of that tart to go?


- Give it.
- Give what?

- Bruce's tape recorder.
- I don't know what...

You took it. I saw you.

Hey, has anybody seen
my tape recorder? It was right here.

I'll look.


Stop. I don't have it.

What do you call this?

Bruce is looking for...

Never mind.

We will talk about this later.

Look what got brought in
with the dirty napkins.


Hello, Gabby.

Jeez, Bradley, you scared me.

- You talked to Shayla.
- Yeah, she's a real gem.

You shouldn't have done that.
We have a deal.

Well, I'm tired of the deal.

And what you're doing to Maria
is despicable.

Hey, you're in no position to judge me.

Don't forget, I was working with Carlos
when you cheated on him.

Yeah, well, I'm not
that person anymore. I've changed.

Right. You're worse.

You're so worried about Maria

until there's money
or vacation time at stake,

then you're only worried about Gabby.

You know what? You're right. I'm out.

- What do you mean?
- Deal's over.

I'm not covering
for your stupid little fling anymore.

It's not a fling. I love her.

She's the most incredible woman
I've ever met.

Shayla? She has a Hello Kitty tip jar!

Well, she makes me happy.
I can't give her up.

Well, at least be man enough
to tell Maria, because if you don't, I will.

All right, fine. I will tell Maria.

And you can tell Carlos
to bring a box to work on Monday

'cause he's fired.

So, dinner...


Lynette, I will regret for the rest
of my life what I said tonight. I...

I don't know what's going on with me.

I do and it's okay.

Besides, did you hear
what came out of my mouth?

Like I said, wow.

Wouldn't you love to hear

what Bruce said into his tape recorder
on the ride home?

Idea. Check local mental hospital
for escaped married couple.

So, were you serious
about wanting to go back to work?

I was talking about that job tonight

and trying to convince Bruce
I was good,

and I remembered something,
I am good.

And I would like
another chance to prove it.


- Really?
- Yeah.

We did my thing for seven years,
now it's your turn.

Do you know how embarrassed
I would've been

if Bruce had seen you take it?

- He deserved it. He insulted me.
- So say something, stand up to him.

But stealing? Honestly, Orson,
why would you do something like that?

I don't know, Bree.

I don't. Here's something I do know.

When I was a successful dentist,

no one spoke to me
the way they do now.

When I lost my practice,
I lost people's respect.

And you hope to earn it back
through larceny?

You haven't walked in my shoes.

Tom lost his job,
everyone jumped to his rescue.

Even you, bending over backwards
trying to get him a job.

I don't need to
walk in your shoes, Orson.

What you did
was embarrassing and childish,

and it's never gonna happen again.

Bless you.

- Father?
- Yes, can I help you?

I hope so. I saw you the other night,

when you were
buying your lottery ticket.

I was with my husband, Dave.


Yes. He said that
you barely know each other,

but it didn't seem that way to me.

And, well, he refuses
to talk about his past.

So if there is anything
that you could tell me about him...

I'm not sure I can do that.

Please. He has so many secrets,
and I don't have anyone else to turn to.

I wish I could help you,

but this is something you need to
discuss with your husband.

Well, if it was that easy,
do you think that I would be here?

I'm sorry.

Please know that my thoughts
are with you both, Mrs. Dash.

It's Williams.

I'm too old-school for my own good.

I shouldn't just assume
that you took your husband's name.

Anyway, good luck, Mrs. Williams.

Hey, Susan.
I thought I had MJ until 7:00.

You do.
I am here to take my painting back.

But you gave it to me. It's mine.

Well, now I'm un-giving it.
Try to keep up.

Okay, if this is about what happened
at the housewarming...

It is, actually.

Because that is when I decided

that I don't want this piece of art
that I slaved over

hanging in the house you are sharing
with your new girlfriend, capisci?

Okay, so the other night you were mad
because it wasn't hanging up,

but now you want to take it?

Yeah, I'm complicated like that.
Aren't you glad you divorced me?

If you two want a painting so bad,
paint your own.

- Susan.
- Mayfair.

Stay out of this.

This is between me and my ex. Got it?


Anyway, I'm thinking a brighter color
for the baby's room.

Now, I know it's a bit of a stretch,
but how do you feel about turquoise?

- Sweetheart?
- We need to talk.

- What you reading?
- The want ads.

Can't decide if I should be a
data entry operator or join the Marines.

- I'm so sorry.
- Don't be.

I told you,
I hated working for that jackass.

- You did the right thing.
- I should have done it sooner.

But you did it.

Even though you knew
you were gonna lose a lot of money.

You're a good person, babe.
I'm very proud of you.

Well, that means a lot,
coming from a United States Marine.

Hello? Maria.

Calm down. Calm down.

Okay, we're coming over.

I guess Bradley told her.

Thanks for coming.
I didn't know who else to call.

It was horrible.
He just kept telling me he loves her,

she's the best thing
that ever happened to him,

he finally understands
what love means.

I just wanted him to stop talking.

You should never be too impressed

by people with good manners.

They're the ones
who will give a friendly wave,

even when they've stolen from you.

They're the type
to sweetly welcome you,

even as they try to
uncover your secrets.

They're the kind to offer you coffee,

even as they report you to the police.

And don't be too offended
by someone who's openly rude,

because they may be that way
for the nicest of reasons.