Desperate Housewives (2004–2012): Season 4, Episode 4 - If There's Anything I Can't Stand - full transcript

Edie receives unexpected news from her doctor which makes her suspect that Carlos is cheating on her with Gabrielle, who has a reconnection to her former flame, John. Susan tries to act friendly with the new neighbors, a gay couple named Bob Hunter and Lee McDermett, and receives unexpected results when they mistake her highly neurotic, mental disorder as homophobia. Bree receives an unexpected baby shower, as well as an unexpected visitor: her former mother-in-law, Phyllis Van De Kamp, who immediately suspects that she's not pregnant which forces Bree to confide in her about Danielle's condition. Meanwhile, Tom receives an unexpected evening with Lynnette. Elsewhere, Katherine's Aunt Lily arrives for a visit and to tell her that she is dying from a terminal illness and wants to die in peace. But Katherine tries to prevent Lily from telling Dylan something about the terrible secret that they are both hiding.

Previously on Desperate Housewives...

When her first husband died,

Bree thought she was
rid of her mother-in-law...

Danielle got pregnant,
and Bree got creative...

Soon this whole charade
will completely unravel

and we will be humiliated.

Carlos and Gaby's affair
turned dangerous...

If she pulled something
like that on me,

that guy wouldn't
be around for long.

And an old neighbor returned...

I didn't want poor Aunt Lily to spend
her final days in a nursing home.

That is so kind of you.

Mrs. Lillian Sims returned
to Wisteria Lane on a Saturday...

As she emerged from the ambulance...

it occurred to her...

the neighborhood looked
exactly as she had left it...

She then decided...

she should have painted
her house blue...

Moments later...

she wondered if she would
see her husband in Heaven...

These are just some
of the thoughts...

that go through
an old woman's mind...

when she comes home, to die.

Now if you need anything,

you just ring this little bell,
and I'll come running.

I'm sorry to be so much trouble.

Well, the good news is

I won't be a burden much longer.

Oh, don't say that...

The doctors say there's
a good chance

that you'll be with us
for a very long time.

I know what's happening
to me, Katherine.

You don't need to lie...

Aunt Lily...

What does it feel like?


I mean...

It's not that bad.

I feel lucky.

When you know time is running out,

you get a chance
to reflect on your life.

I really did try to live a good one.

You did more than try.

God is going to welcome
you with open arms.

I'm not so sure...

Oh, why would you say that?

I keep thinking about Dylan...

What we did, what we covered up.

We did what we had to.

We should have told someone.

We couldn't.

You know that.

It... It was a mistake.

And it's not too late to rectify it.

Your life may be over.

But that does not
give you the right

to go around destroying
the lives of others.

I can't go to my grave with
this on my conscience.

Please! We have to tell that girl

what happened in this room.

Absolutely not!

As her guilt over the
past began to mount...

it occurred to Lillian...

death couldn't come quickly enough...

This thought occurred
to her niece as well.

By ShinJin, Wisteria Team
Transcript by YDY

There were a lot of things

Bob Hunter disliked
about living in the city...

And the thing he hated most...

were the pests.

The rats that lurked in the alleys...

The flies that swarmed the garbage...

The bugs that invaded his co-op...

I have tried it your way...

Finally, Bob informed
his significant other

it was time...

to leave the city.


they moved to suburbia...

Which they quickly
discovered had a few pests...

Hey, neighbor!

Of its own...

Oh, we haven't gotten
a chance to meet.

I'm Susan, I live next door. Oh! jeez...

Hi. Hi, I'm Lee.

I... I just wanted to say hi.

You know, I saw the movers taking in

some of your furniture
and I just have to say

you and your wife
have gorgeous taste.

- Need some help?
- Yeah, like you wouldn't believe.

I'm Susan. I live next door.

Oh, hi. I'm Lee's partner, Bob.

Oh, you're partners!

What kind of business?

You know, whatever it is

just don't let the
neighborhood association

hear that you work
out of your house.

They're so not cool.


we're life partners.

Oh, that's super!

Yeah, I've seen a lot
of cable, so I get it.

You're just great.

Thank you. I hope we can live
up to your stereotype.

Don't mind him!

He's just a little cranky
from... all the fresh air.

Do not apologize for me.

Lee, you're the one who said moving
here would be better for Raphael.

So there's...

there's three of you.

Well, that must be...


Yes. We're gay mormons.


That's Raphael!

Raphael is your dog, of course.

You know, 'cause you
folks can't have kids.

I mean...

of course you can have kids...

You... You know, because
times have changed

and now you're allowed.

What a...

nice dog...

I should go.

Nice to meet you.

Hey, stop by any time, Susan...

What are you doing?


I have a delivery for
Danielle Van De Kamp.

Can I get you to sign here, please?

Is that for us?

No, it's for Danielle.

That's odd.
Who would send her a scooter?

I knew it! Phyllis. Rex's mother.

Ever since he died

she's been trying to buy
the children's affection.

Well, it's a honey of a bike.

I'm sure Danielle will
appreciate the thought.

Well, I'm not giving it to her.

Can you think of a worse
present for a pregnant girl?

Well, I'm not knocked up.
Let me have it.

You know how I feel about
two-wheeled motorized vehicles.

They're too dangerous!

We'll donate it to the church.


Reverend Sikes said they're
looking for items for the raffle.

So we're just gonna give it away?

Well, it's better than you
breaking your neck on it.

Mom, you know how much
I want a scooter. Come on!

You heard your mother.
We're donating it to the church.

Of course, we need to make
sure it's in good working order

before we do that.

Not without a helmet!

This blows.

Are we gonna let her do this to us?

Absolutely not.

If we win that raffle,
we're keeping it.


It is nice to hear
you humming again.

Well, it's amazing what a
week without chemo can do.

Yeah. When does the last round start?

Next month, so I have some time

before I start feeling
like total crap again.

And I was hoping we could
put that time to good use.

Are you sure...?

I mean, the doctor said

it could be months before
you get your mojo back.

Well, it's back!

And since when do
you question the mojo?

You're right.

You're right, forgive me.


So here are your options.

A: we could go romantic,

play soft music, light some candles.

Or B: go straight to the...

God, it's so been so long.

I hope I remember how to do this.

Well, it's just like riding
a bike, you never forget.

Now start pedaling.

Hey. What are you doing?

Oh, sorry. I just messed up your hair.

I'm just trying to fix it.

Sorry. Almost got it.


Screw it.

What, what are you doing?

Oh, I ripped it this morning.

It's been itching the hell out of me...

And this is much better.

Are you sure you wanna
take that off, honey? I mean...

won't you be cold?

No, I'm good...

Hey, baby, what's going on,
are you still with me?


It's just, it's...




It's nine thirty!

It's just one of our
ovens broke down

and the guy from the reparance
coming first thing in the morning.

Maybe I could ravish you...


Come on, Bree!
You have to let us do this.

It's a lovely thought,

but I really don't
want a baby shower.

Well, I bought you
an expensive gift

and I'm not giving it to
you unless there's a party

with people who can
see how generous I am.

Bree, watch this!

Orson, I said be careful!

I just think it's tacky

to have a baby shower
when it's not your first baby.

Well, I don't see the problem
with it... Hint, hint.

Yeah, and showers aren't just
about presents. They're fun.

And we can play games, like
"How big is mummy's tummy?"

Excuse me?

Yeah, we get a ball of yarn,
and we each cut a piece

that we think is just big enough
to fit around your stomach

and the one closest wins a prize.

I really don't want a shower.

Look! Look at me!

Orson, just five more minutes!
That's all you're getting!

I tell you what. Why don't
we just skip the shower

and after the baby's born,
I'll have a christening party?

What do you say?

I'm okay!

I'm fine.

Oh, dear God.

Excuse me, ladies.

I... I couldn't help overhearing

you talking about my mom's shower.

I think I could be of a
little assistance here.

Why do you have to take our
new neighbors cookie bars?

Oh, look, I made a terrible
first impression

so I thought I'd make them some
of my home-baked goodness.

But you didn't bake any goodness.

You just warmed up the goodness
I bought at the store.

Well, yeah, I don't bake. Catch up!

You know, not all neighbors
have to be friends.

Why don't you just let it go?

Mike, they live 15 feet from us.

If we have a fire, I wanna be sure
that they like us enough to call 911.

Ah, that's the real reason.

You can't stand it when
somebody doesn't like you.

Well, maybe.

Well, maybe Bob and Lee just
like to keep to themselves.

That's fine,
and once they like me,

they can keep to themselves
all they damn well please.

Hi. I wanted to bring you

a "Welcome to
the Neighborhood" present.

You should try one while
they're still warm from the oven.

That's really nice, thank you.

Oh, are there nuts in them?



Gee, let me think...

Nope, no nuts!

Are you sure?
Cause I'm highly allergic.

Half a pecan could kill me.

I'm not seeing any nuts.

Okay, you made them?

So did you or did you
not put nuts in them?

Okay, here's the thing.
I'm a really crappy baker.

To give you something
that I made myself

would be like an insult, so...

So, so, so you bought them!

And then you heated them up
in attempt to make your gesture

seem more thoughtful
than in fact it was?

Hey, I would've made
them myself if I knew how!

Honestly, I'm a good neighbor.

Yeah, well, neighbor,
why don't you take

your store-bought, warmed-up,
possibly poisonous cookie bars

and give them to someone more
likely to survive your generosity?

Do you like wine?

No, no, so please don't bring
me a bottle from your vineyard.

This rip is pretty big!

It'll take about a week.

A week!?

All right.

You'll hurry if you can?

Honey, it's okay.
You look cute in a scarf.

I'm upset cause that salesgirl

just walked away
with my sex life.


After two months
of puking my guts out,

last night I was
finally in the mood

but Tom, not so much.

Apparently, my bald head
is a big turnoff for him...

Why'd you take your wig off?

It was itchy.


not smart.

Gaby, I am his wife.

He's supposed to love me!

Not my body, me!
My... My soul.

Why can't he make love to my soul?



When was the last
time you were in the bar

and heard a guy turn
to his friend and say

"Hey, check out
the soul on that girl?"

What are you saying?

I'm saying men are visual.

Hell, I have a whole
closet full of costumes.

You need to give Tom
something to look at.


spicy like...

Gaby, I'm not a redhead.

But you could be!

Which brings me to
my second point...

Men like variety.

Tonight you're a redhead...


you are Helga, the sexy milkmaid.


Amber, the lonely runaway.


Jeff, the friendly guy from work.

What? I don't know
what Tom is into.

Claude, you know
I don't like it when you "hmm"...


How long have you had this?

Had what?

I don't have anything...

I'm just here for
my 5 000 mile checkup.

Well, you know that bullet

you've managed to dodge
all these years?

Which one?

The clap? The herp?

The syph?!


Relax. I'll boil all the
sheets and towels.

And then we'll use
this special shampoo

and in three days...

the crotch carnival packs
up and leaves town.


How did this happen?

Don't give me that look.

I know exactly how I got 'em.

I used the tanning bed
right after Mimsy Porter,

that skank.

It smells like burnt licorice.

Well, come in the bathroom

and I'll show you how to use this.

I think I can figure that out.

You know, the good news is
we're in a committed relationship.

Otherwise, we'd have to
make that call of shame

to everyone we've been with.

You've heard me make before,

but something I feel
very, very strongly about.

For me, it's a very simple formula.

More development leads
to an increased tax base

which helps build schools
for our children.

Around the country, the needs
of children are being...

What are you doing here?

I need to talk to you.

Can't you just call me?

This is not something that
you wanna hear on the phone.

Where did you get those?

How do you think? Edie.

You are still sleeping with Edie?

Well, you're still sleeping
with Victor, aren't you?

Yeah, if I didn't, he would
think something is going on.

What is your excuse
for doing it with Edie?

She wants to, and I'm a guy.

This is serious, okay?

If Victor wakes up
with a zoo in his pants,

there's gonna be hell to pay.

You don't have to tell me.
If he finds out about us,

I'm the one that's gonna
wind up in a landfill.

Okay, just don't panic, okay?

We're gonna get the salve
or the ointment,

or whatever it is you put down
there, and we're gonna be fine.

We're screwed.



The kids are asleep.

Are you coming to bed anytime soon?

Yeah, I just gotta pick
a new running back

for my fantasy football team.

That's too bad.

I had a little fantasy thing
planned of my own.


Lynette's not here right now.

I'm Brandy, the slutty cheerleader.

This is all very romantic, Gaby.

But I still have four building
proposals to read before tomorrow.

That's Nurse Gaby to you.

Nurse Gaby?

Am I sick?

Well, the doctor says
you need to relax.

And I know just
how to relax you.

It smells like licorice.

It's a blend of 36 essential oils,

anise root and fennel.

Do you like it?

It smells a little mediciny.

That's the fennel.

It's stinging a little.

That's, the tension...

leaving your body.

It's really stinging.

And we can rinse it off...

in three to five minutes...

but before we do that...

What the hell is that?

You know, for a guy getting
rubbed down by a hot nurse,

you ask a lot of questions.


Oh, come on, uncle Frank.

What's the point of
having a gay uncle

if you're not gonna help me
make friends with these guys?

Mom said that the
whole family knew.

Okay, gotta go. Love you.

What's going on?

Oh, I found Raphael
wandering in the street.

I went to take him back,
but Bob and Lee aren't home

so I'm just gonna give him a little
treat and put him back in their yard.

Wait a second!
Leave him with me.

I need to score some
points with those guys

and being a dog-rescuing
hero could be just the ticket.

So what, you're just gonna keep
him here until they come back?

Maybe a little longer...

How long?

Well, long enough
for them to worry.

You know, the more they worry,
the more I'm a hero. Get it?

I get that you're insane.

I'm not, I'm not.
Now get some mud.

I wanna dirty him up so
he looks like he's been through hell.

Okay, in you go.

Here, let me help you with those.

Oh, that's all right.
I've got them, Mr. Knievel.

Oh, boy. You're never gonna
let me live this down, are you?


I thought the same thing. It seems to me
that you should go to the doctor again.



What did I tell you?

You said "no shower".
But look around! Men.

So technically, it's a party,
not a shower.

Andrew told us that
you only said no

cause you didn't want to impose.

So you're responsible?

Yeah, well, I know you said
not to make a big fuss,

but hey!

You earned it.

Well, don't just
stand there, come in.

We have lots of food
and fun and surprises.

Yeah, all kinds of surprises...

Where is she?



I... helped with the invitations, too.

I can't tell you how
touched I was to be included.

Especially after my
many conciliatory gestures

were so coldly rebuffed.

I have been awful.

I wouldn't blame you if
you stormed out right now.


I'm here to celebrate
our renewed friendship...

and your baby.

Or should I say babies?

You know, it's often a sign of twins

when a mother's face
gets all plump like yours.


bet you wouldn't mind if I broke
my neck on that scooter now.

I'm off to the bank.

Aunt Lily just took a pill,
so she's down for the afternoon.

Okay. Have fun.

Is your mother gone?

Yeah, do you need her?

No, no...

This is what I wanted...

I thought you took a sleeping pill.

I pretended to so
she'd leave us alone...

Aunt Lily, what's going on?

I have to tell you something...

First, you should know
that what happened...

it was nobody's fault.

What do you mean,
what happened?

You don't remember
living on this street before...

do you?

- No.
- Well...

there's a reason for that...


Mom, I thought you left?

I forgot my checkbook.

Could you go down
and find it for me?


You really should get your rest.

- Hey!
- Hey.

Got your wig back, huh?

Yeah, good as new!


I thought we could put
the kids to bed early tonight,

if you know what I mean...

I do... and I'm up for that.


I hope Brandy
won't get stuck late

at cheerleading practice?

About Brandy...

bad news.

What? What happened?

Well, Penny wanted to play
beauty school with the wig

and, well...

let's just say she's got
no future as a stylist.

Bad haircut, huh?

Sounds like Brandy might
get awful mad about that.

Brandy's history, Tom.
Let her go.


Come home, boy!



Is something wrong?

Raphael got out.
I don't know what happened.

I think he jumped the fence.


would you like me to
help you look for him?


What a... What about your party?

It's just a baby shower...

that I'm throwing...

for my best friend.

I can't ask you to leave that.

Oh, please.
What are neighbors for?


Here, puppy!

I see you've taken down
all the pictures of Rex.

Well, I'm... sorry if that
offends you, Phyllis,

but I didn't want Orson to feel
uncomfortable in his new home.

I see...

you're trying to be considerate
of your husband's feelings.

Well, I'm glad that you're at least trying
to get it right the second time around.

Still, it must be awfully
hard on Danielle and Andrew

to have their father's face
banished from their own home.

He wasn't banished!

By the way...


Where's Danielle?

She's... at boarding school...

in Switzerland.


Is it asking too much to be told what
continent my granddaughter is on?!

You are keeping
my grandchildren from me

and I don't know why!

I'm going to mingle.

Every time I start a chat,
you walk away.

I mean, if you don't
want to talk to me,

why did you invite me?

It's a surprise party,
you daft woman!

What makes you think
I had a hand in the guest list?


you don't want me here?

For God sakes, Phyllis.

It's not as if we got along
when Rex was alive.

What did I ever do to you?

But try to treat you
like a daughter...

I even gave you
my mother's sable coat.

You hated your mother!

But I loved that coat!

Then I'll give it back to you.

No, you keep it

as a reminder
of how hard I tried

to make you like me.

Grandma, are you leaving already?

I'm sorry, dear.

But your mother has made
it impossible for me to stay.

Where does she keep my sable coat?

Probably in her bedroom closet.

Where is she going?

She asked me where
your fur coat was.

And you told her?!

Oh, crap!

I guess you won't be needing
the breast pump I bought you.


Danielle is having a baby.

Yes, and for the sake
of her reputation

we've agreed to pretend
that it's mine.

I just hope that

those Swiss doctors know
what they're doing.

She's not in Switzerland.

She's at the Sisters of Hope convent.

Look, Phyllis, I'm sorry.
I know this is upsetting.

Actually, I'm thrilled.

I'm going to be a great-grandma!

Well, um...

technically, yes.

What do you mean, technically?

We're saying that the
baby is mine and Orson's

and if you hover around
like a grandmother,

people will be suspicious.

You're not keeping
this baby from me,

not if you don't want me to
tell those people downstairs

whose child it really is.

You wouldn't...

Think of Danielle!

I wish you had.

If you'd raised her properly,

she wouldn't be pregnant
without a husband!

You think I don't know
I'm a failure as a parent?

That's why this child
means so much to me.

It's my second chance.

Well, I hope the second time
around that you take my advice.

I always said that you were
too strict with those kids.

Parenting tips from you?
That's rich.

I was a wonderful mother to Rex!

Then why did he go and avoid you?

Why were you barely ever here?

Because of you!

He knew you hated me.

Oh, he was happy
to let you think that...

but he was the one
who dreaded your visits.

Phyllis, wait!

Excuse me, everyone,
but I have something to say.

What is it, grandma?


I have to go.

And I just wanted
to say how nice it was

to see you all again
after so much time.


Thank you for the gift.

You know, Bree,

you're not the only one who
would like a second chance.

Nothing, huh?

No. No, he's lost.

And he doesn't know
this neighborhood.

There's no way he's
gonna find his way home.

Oh, he will, come on,
you gotta keep believing.

Oh, crap!

Bob's home,
what am I gonna tell him?


We'll just keep looking.

I have a feeling we're gonna
find that cute little guy.

You are so nice to do this!

I mean, especially after the
way I acted when we first...

You know what?
Don't worry about it.

I'm gonna go inside and
get us some water,

and then we're gonna
just keep looking.



I can't find Raphael, you
seen him anywhere?

Oh, Bob...

Prom... Promise you won't hate me.

What are you talking about?
What happened?

Raphael got out.

- He got out?
- Yeah.

He doesn't know the neighborhood.

I know he doesn't know
the neighborhood.

Oh, wait, he's right there.

Oh! Oh, my God!

What was our dog
doing in your garage?

I have no idea.


Did you get a chance to
napalm the jungle yet?



All quiet on the southern front.

Gaby, we have got
to be more careful.


It's kind of exciting, though.

What is?

Playing with fire, almost
getting burned but not quite.

Don't be thinking like that.

If Victor catches us,
he'll kill us both.

That's what's so exciting.



Oh, my... Excuse me.

Mmm, that's...

an interesting cologne
you're wearing...

My wife gave it to me.

It's got... anise root, fennel...

What, you like it?

Yeah, it's just...

I don't know...

weirdly familiar.

Crab cake?



Crab cake?

Crab cake?

Crab cake?

Kids are asleep.

I'm... not.

Whatcha got back there?

Just a little present.

Say hello to Brandy's
even sluttier sister...


What are you doing?

Well, I just... I just thought

since we had
so much fun last night,

maybe we can have
a little more fun.

And that's only possible

when you're pretending
I'm someone else?

Well, you have to pretend, too!



is me, Tom!


Brandy or Candy...

It's just your wife...

Lynette, am I not enough for you?

What are you getting so mad for?

The first wig was your idea.

Yeah, because I'm bald.

And I know that
that's a big old turnoff

but, you know, I can't help it.

I have cancer.

Yes, I know.
I hear about it all the time.

Can you blame me for wanting
to escape every once in a while?

Escape from me, you mean?


You know why last night
was so much fun?

Because I got to make love
to someone who wasn't sick.

I know, I know, I'm not
supposed to say this stuff.

I have to be the heroic
husband who listens

and holds you when you cry
and never cries himself.

But this affects me, too.

- Well, I know that.
- You do?

- Yeah!
- How?

Since this whole thing began,

have you ever once
asked me how I'm doing?


My God!

I haven't...

Have I?

I am one of those...


self-involved sick people.

I didn't say that...

No, I am.

It's been months and I have barely
thought about what you're going through.

It's okay.

Will you stop being so heroic?!

I'm a cancer bitch!


I'm not gonna argue with you...

You suck.


I guess I could give Candy a whirl.

Are the kids really asleep?

Cause I think she might
be a screamer.


if we're gonna pretend...

how about tonight

I'm not a hero...

and you are not
a cancer patient...?

We'll just be...

Tom and Lynette...

See what happens...

Oh, I'd like that.

How's Bob's suit?


What if we take it to my cleaners?

Susan, that paint's not coming out.

So we're buying him a new suit...

for 2 000 bucks.

2 000 $?

Well, according to Lee, it's a Dolce.

I don't know what that means,
but he said it six times.

That's crazy!

No, what's crazy is
I'm about to buy

the most expensive suit of my life

and I'll never wear it.

Oh. I just wanted them to like me.

Well, they don't.

Lee said that six times, too.

There must be some way
I can apologize to them.

We can't afford any
more of your apologies.

I know, maybe if I...

Damn it, Susan, let it go, okay?

I asked you to before, and you
didn't, and look what happened.

So I'll ask you again.

Just let it go.

Mike, wait, we should talk about this.

I'm going to bed.

I've gotta work tomorrow.

I'm buying a suit.


What are you doing here?

You needn't be embarrassed, dear.

Your mother's told me everything.

It's great to see you.

I hate this place.
It's like baby jail.

Well, that's what I've
come to talk to you about.

Perhaps it's time for you to leave.


Is that you?

We have...

Have to talk...


I'm glad you're home.

I wanted to talk to you
about Aunt Lily.

What about her?

It was so weird.

She called me into
her room this afternoon.

She started saying she knew why

I didn't remember living
on this street before.

Oh, sweetie...

your Aunt Lily is fading fast.

Half the time, she doesn't
know what she's saying.

Was that her?

No, I just checked on her.

She's sleeping.

You know, you have that
recital in two weeks.

Shouldn't you be practicing?




They come in all shapes and sizes...

And disrupt our lives
in a variety of ways...

At first, they're merely annoying...

And we do our best to ignore them...

Home in my own bed...

But if we don't take them seriously...

They can become quite dangerous...

For some...

death seems to be
the easiest solution...

But the problem with pests...

is that what they leave behind...

is just as dangerous.