Desperate Housewives (2004–2012): Season 4, Episode 3 - The Game - full transcript

Susan and Mike throw a charades party at their house which brings out some of the worst in the attending guests. Bree inadvertently sends Susan to a rough side of town to see a gynecologist, while the very pregnant Danielle continues to grow edgy about continuing to remain in seclusion at the convent outside town. Meanwhile, Stella scores some marijuana from Andrew to make some pot-laced brownies for Lynette to rid her of the painful chemotherapy side effects. Bree tells the other housewives about what she overheard in Katherine's house and about the Mayfairs secret involving Dylan who teams up with Julie to find out what her mother and stepfather are keeping from her by breaking into Katherine's secret closet. Katherine becomes more angry and jealous at Adam over his flirtation with other women which involves a past infidelity he apparently had back in Chicago. Also, Gabrielle is unhappy to learn about Carlos and Edie's engagement, while Victor begins to see Gabrielle as a liability to him and his political agenda.

MARY ALICE: Previously on
Desperate Housewives.

Bree discovered a family secret.

Oh, I'm going to be sick.

Lynette struggled with chemotherapy,


while Susan took joy
in being pregnant.

I'm eating for two.

The biggest obstacle
to Carlos and Gabby...

The IRS could make me
testify against you.

... was the promise Edie forced Carlos
to make.

We're engaged.

CARLOS: I really did care for Edie,
but I can't let her ruin my life.

KID: Trevor, over here!

MARY ALICE: All children
love to play games.

But before they can race their bikes,

or jump their ropes,

or toss their Frisbees,

children understand they must first
convince their friends

to play along with them.

The same is true for adults.

Hi, Gabby. It's me.
I'm throwing a party Saturday night.

Guess what kind.

A charades party?

Didn't you just throw one?

No, that was a year ago.

Oh, right.
I guess it's time for another one.

Sure is. Can you come?

Sorry. Victor needs me
at this political thing.

Damn. Damn, damn.

You have to come.
You're the best charades player I know.

That's sweet. And totally accurate.

But I'm really whipped from the chemo,


Oh, there's my other line.

Can you ask me next time? Okay, hon?
Okay. Bye.

Hello? Oh, hey, Bree, what's up?

Well, I stopped by Katherine's
last night just to get a recipe,

and you'll never believe
what I overheard.

She slapped her kid? No!

BREE ON PHONE: Yes. And get this.

When Adam said Dylan was just going
to keep asking questions,

Katherine said, and I quote,

"Well, we're just gonna have to
find better lies."


Oh, hang on. I've got another call.

Don't answer it! It's Susan.
She's hosting another game night.

Another one?
It's time for an anonymous letter.

Wait, is Katherine going to
Susan's charade night?

- Probably. Why?
- LYNE TTE: We should go, too.

Get a few drinks in her,
see if she loosens up.

I doubt a woman like Katherine
is gonna spill her secrets

just because she's had a little wine.

I don't know. You came out
with some interesting things

before you swore off the sauce.

Well, none that I recall.

Didn't you tell me you lost your virginity
in the backseat of a...

Point well taken! I'll bring the wine.

Susan, good news.
We can come to the party after all.

Hey, you know who else
you should invite?

Yeah, I am feeling much better,
so count me in.

Will our new neighbour be coming?

Of course. I love your charades parties.

And I hope you're inviting
that delightful Katherine Mayfair.

So, you were paid
a very nice compliment today.

- I was?
- Yes.

I'm hosting a charades party,

and all of my friends went out
of their way to insist I invite you.


MARY ALICE: Yes, not all adults
like to play games.

But the ones who do, play to win.

MARY ALICE: Stella Wingfield
hated to cook.

Still, she spent that Friday morning
grating cheese

and greasing a pan

and laying in macaroni

because her eldest daughter was sick.

And Stella could no longer sit by
and do nothing.

- Lunch time.
- Oh, no thanks.

Oh, come on, I made it for you special.
You got to keep your strength up.

I appreciate the effort, but I told you
I can't keep anything down.

And FYI, mac and cheese is
halfway to vomit.

You might as well have given me
a plate of creamed corn.

Aren't you taking the anti-nausea drug?

Yeah, I am taking it.
It's just not working.

Well, I know something that might
help your nausea

and boost your appetite.

Perhaps a little visit from my old friend,
Mary Jane?

You're suggesting pot?

A lot of chemo patients use it.
Hell, I did.

Come on, let mama score you
some kick-ass chronic.

"Kick-ass chronic"?
You're a grandmother.

Shouldn't you be off somewhere
knitting an afghan?

I'm just trying to ease your pain.

Well, thanks.

But I prefer not to get my medication
from some guy under a bridge.

Suit yourself.

Hey, what's this?

A crib. Oh, and look.

Safety latch.

I figured if the baby takes after you,
accident proof is key.

Honey, you know,
I'm still in my first trimester.

Don't you think it's a little early
to be making cribs?

"Early" would be painting it
pink or blue.

But I got both,
so we're covered either way.


And whether it's a boy or a girl...

Colts fan. That's non-negotiable.

Bree's home. I'll be right back.

Look sharp. It's Susan.

God, it's getting harder and harder
to keep her at arm's length.

I never knew she was such a hugger.

- You want me to run interference?
- No, no. I'm getting good at props.

Oh, good.

- Hey, Susan. What's up?
- I need a favour.

I remember you mentioning that
you liked your obstetrician.

Can I get his number?

- I thought you were using Dr Mayfair.
- Yeah, I don't know.

It's getting a little weird.
You know, Adam is my neighbour.

Well, you don't mind
Orson being your dentist.

Well, that's because I don't blush
when Orson says, "Open wide."

You know, my OB is
all the way across town.

You just do not want to drive that far.

Oh, well, we could schedule
our appointments together and carpool.

You know, pregnant gals on the road!

That does sound fun.

But I don't think my doctor's taking on
any new patients.

Oh, I can talk him into it.
What's his name?

I... don't remember.

- You don't remember?
- No, you know,

I usually just call him "doctor."

Bree, just get me the number.


Here you go.
But please don't mention my name.

As I said, you know, he's overbooked,

and I just don't want to
get on his bad side.

I'm so excited!
Pregnant gals, sharing a doctor!


Oh, bless you.

Oh, sorry. Probably just allergies.

But, you know,
you don't want to take any chances.

Hey, can I get a drink?

Yeah, sure.

- By the way, you missed a spot.
- Oh, thanks.


- I'd say the car is clean enough.
- Katherine.

You two seemed awfully friendly.
Do you know her?

No. We said two words.
She criticised my car washing.

It's funny, when I criticise you,
you don't put on a big goofy grin.

You really need to stop this.

Given our history,
shouldn't I be saying that to you?

Katherine, I can't just
not speak to women.

I'm a gynaecologist, for God's sake.

Yes, I know.

But you don't have to
bring your work home with you.

You leaving already?

(SIGHS) Edie asked me to help her
pick out a gift for her sister,

so I gotta swing by the mall.

When can I see you next?

Well, Victor has a teachers' union thing
on Thursday.

Guess I'll see you on Thursday.

Carlos, what's happening here?

I mean, with us.
Why are we still sneaking around?

You know exactly why.

Oh, come on. Edie's recovered
from her little suicide attempt.

Don't you think it's time to move on?

Look, I've got some things going on,
and I need them to pay off

before I can make a move.
Really, I don't have a choice.

Okay, but if you did have a choice,
would it be a hard one?

I mean, it's not like
you're in love with Edie, is it?

No, I don't love Edie.

And I've got a plan to
get her out of my life forever.

Just give me two weeks. Okay?

A bracelet is always nice.

For Edie's sister.

Good idea.


Here's the thing.
My daughter has cancer.

She's so nauseous,
she's stopped eating,

and I can't just stand by
and watch her waste away.

So I asked around, and people thought

you might be able to
get me what I need.

You follow my drift?

Yeah. You want me to
score you some weed.

The best stuff you can get.
Nothing's too good for my little girl.

- Darling.
- What is it?

Well, I don't want you to worry.

I just got off the phone
with the convent.

It seems Danielle took a little spill.

You're eight and a half
months pregnant!

What in heaven's name
were you doing rollerblading?

I'm bored! All I do is lay around.

In your condition,
that's what you should be doing.

And where on Earth did you get skates
in a convent?

I borrowed them from one
of the eating disorder girls.

They have all the good
exercise equipment.

Danielle, what if your reckless
behaviour had hurt the baby?

They're going to examine me.
I'm sure the baby's fine.

Yes. And it is going to stay that way
because I've instructed Sister Theresa

to keep you sequestered in your room
until the baby is born.

What am I supposed to do for fun?

You won't even get me a DVD player.

Well, I was hoping that you could use
these last few weeks

for reflection and personal growth.

I hate you.

Clearly, it would be time well spent.

- How was the lasagne?
- Why don't you ask it yourself?

- Honey.
- Sorry.

At least eat a little.

We need you in fighting form
for charades tonight.

Yeah, about that,
I don't think I'm gonna make it.

You have to.
You are the Charades Assassin.

They still talk about the night
that you guessed

The Americanization of Emily
in 15 seconds.

Twelve, and that's my point.
I'm undefeated.

Why spoil my winning streak
by playing when I'm not up to it?

Honey, people know that you're sick.

They don't expect you to be
at your absolute best.


Tom, hair loss and constant nausea,
those are inconveniences.

Losing at charades to Susan Mayer,
that is just flat-out intolerable.


- Hey, Andrew.
- Hey.

- What's up?
- Hey, Mr Scavo.

A package for Lynette's mom got
delivered to our house by mistake.

- Oh...
- I've got it, Tom.

It's a pattern.
I'm knitting Lynette an afghan.



A friend of mine
recommended this place.



It's not exactly what I expected.

Must be one heck of a doctor
though, huh?

I don't know.
I just come here to buy clean urine.

Those are only for grown-ups.


Well, because they have
special medicine in them.

Like the grown-up iced tea
you always drink?


How about some ice cream instead?

And you can watch TV
till your eyes fall out.

- Yeah!
- You stay.

Grandma needs a favour,
and you've got just the face for it.

Wow, sweetie.
Those really look delicious.

But I just don't feel like eating
right now.

Just one, Mom? I made them special.
Just for you.

LYNETTE: This really is delicious.

If there's an emergency,
you can reach me on my cell phone.

Or they can just walk across the street.

Have fun, girls.
Don't do anything I would do.


Adam seems really laid back.

Yeah, he's pretty cool.


Of course, everyone seems cool
compared to Robo-Mom.

Hey, you never told me.

What happened when you asked her
about your real dad?

She freaked out, just like I thought.
She wouldn't tell me anything.

Well, there are other ways
to find things out.

Does your mom keep any old papers,
you know, letters, diaries?

Not that she shows me.

There's stuff in the storage room
upstairs, but it's locked,

so forget about it.

What kind of lock is it?

Oh, come on in.
I was hoping you were Susan.

She's not here?

No, and she's not answering
her cell phone.

Where is she?

Well, she had an appointment with this
new obstetrician over on River Street.

She should be here by now.

Why would she see a doctor over
there? That's a terrible neighbourhood.

- It is?
- Yes. Don't you remember?

That's where they murdered
those two prostitutes last year.

We should help Mike with the food.

- Knock, knock.
- We're here!

Oh, good! Katherine,
I was hoping we'd get a chance to chat.

Open this now.


Susan's parties are always
such a snooze fest.

The only thing people will be miming
is, "Get me the hell out of here."

Aren't you a little overdressed
for charades?

Well, I thought that I'd look nice,
just in case we decided to...

Well, I don't know,
announce our engagement.

(CHUCKLES) We're not
announcing anything.

It's Susan and Mike's party.
I do not want to make it all about us.

You're right, darling.

I may drop a few hints, though.

Edie, let me be clear on this.

You are not to tell anyone
about our engagement. Got it?

Fine. I won't say a word.

Oh, this is fantastic.

You know Edward Ferber?

- State Senator?
- Yes.

His wife just got picked up
for shoplifting.

Why is that fantastic?

He was making noises about
going against me for governor.

I guess the light-fingered Mrs Ferber
just put an end to that.

Why? It's not like he shoplifted.

It doesn't matter. It's a scandal.

You know what they do to
poll numbers.

Oh, that's right. I was reading about
that in Politics is Boring magazine.

I'm just glad I don't have to worry
about you pulling crap like that.

Yeah. You're lucky.

So where's Lynette?

She's usually your charades MVP.

She wasn't feeling so well.
But you are still going down, mister.

It's just a game, Tom.

A game you'll wish you never played.


Oh, hi, Gabby.

Katherine and I were just talking about
the old days.

So, when you were living with
your aunt, was Dylan's father with you?

No. Just me and Dylan.

Were you widowed or divorced?

Actually, I prefer not to discuss
my first marriage, if you don't mind.

Oh, well, we certainly
didn't mean to pry.

Let me just tinge that up for you.

Hello, all.

It's so nice to see you.

White wine?

Oh, no, my contact slipped...

Edie, is that an engagement ring?

Oh, shoot. Pretend you didn't see that.

I promised my fianc? that I wouldn't say
a word until the official announcement.

Oh. Excuse me.

Gabby! Sorry I'm late.

Oh, my God, you made it.

That is such a beautiful dress.
We're gonna have so much fun.

You. Come with me.

She's got a ring!

- What?
- Edie!

She's wearing a big,
honking engagement ring

the size of a peach pit.

Hey, I didn't get her a ring.

Oh, so you're not engaged?

Well, see, here's the thing...

Oh, you've gotta be kidding me.

- Let me explain.
- No, no, no!

I am done with your explanations

and I am done with,
"Just give me two more weeks, baby."

Whatever games you're playing,
I'm sick of it. We're through.

So you're just gonna go and live
happily ever after with Victor, huh?

You think Victor's my only option?

Well, I got news for you, Carlos.
I can have any guy I want.

Because this waits for no man.

You bought yourself
an engagement ring?

It's been three days, Carlos.
How long was I supposed to wait?

You agreed not to say anything.

But I didn't agree not to wear anything.

Don't worry, it wasn't expensive.

You can pay me back later.

Count on it.

And the whole time, I just kept
thinking, this is Bree's doctor.

Bree recommended him.
He must be the best.

So I didn't worry when it was between
a needle exchange

and the area's only
transvestite bookstore.

And I ignored that
my shoes stuck to the floor

and there was a cigarette machine
in the waiting room.

But when I saw the ant traps
on his speculum tray,

I thought that you and I
should have a talk.

Oh, Susan, I am so sorry.

And of course I will pay for the
slashed tyre and the stolen cell phone.

That is not the point!

Why would you send me to somebody
who is obviously not your doctor?

- I can't tell you.
- Why not?

It's private.

You know what else is private?

The parts of me that I'm pretty sure
he snapped with his camera phone.


I have a party to throw.
I will deal with you later.


Look, Al, she is totally out of control.
I need her taken care of.

Fine, I'll see what I can do.

EDIE: I promised my fianc?
that I wouldn't say a word

until the official announcement.

Adam, I feel the tag of my dress
sticking out and I can't reach it.

- Do you mind?
- Yeah, oh, sure.

- There you go.
- Oh, I think I got a chill.


Now let me see if I can give you one.

Yeah, that worked.

We haven't been here an hour
and you're already humiliating me?

Are we really having
this conversation again?

Oh, I guess you learned nothing
from Chicago.

For God's sake, I was not flirting.
She asked me to fix her dress.

Yeah, I saw your face.
I could tell what a chore it was for you.

You know what? I think I'm a little
behind you in the alcohol department.

Let me go catch up.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to eavesdrop,

but you really shouldn't
take this out on Adam.

Gabrielle has a little bit of a reputation,
if you know what I mean.

No, I don't. But I'd certainly like to.

Okay, everybody, let the games begin!

Okay, I will be team captain one.
Who wants to be captain number two?

I'll do it.

Great. Okay, you pick first.

Oh, okay, I will pick Adam.

I pick Lynette. Where's Lynette?

She really wanted to be here.
She's just feeling too sick to party.


It's funny, isn't it?

Are you kidding? It's genius!
He's a sponge, but he talks!


Well, it looks like somebody is
feeling a little better.

Yeah, I guess that anti-nausea
medicine finally kicked in.

That must be it.



Husband in the room.

Honey, I love you, but I want to win.

You should pick Edie.


The woman just tried to commit
suicide. Don't make her last pick.

She's still fragile.

Good point. Mike!

Yes! Let's get started.

No, no! Wait, wait, wait.
Gabby, you know how it works.

Okay, first I have to
go over all the signals.

Okay! So, this is movie, TV...

Where did you learn to do this?

When you live with a mother
who constantly locks herself out,

you develop certain skills.

I don't know.
Maybe this is a sign we should stop.

What were you saying about signs?

Whole concept, person...

Let's see, Shakespeare, book,

and then, if you do the signal for
book and you touch your heart,

then that's poem.

Okay, when has anyone ever
used a poem as a clue?

- Yeah, come on, let's play.
- Yeah! Let's play!

Yeah. Let's play!

Hey, honey, you made it!

Dibs on Lynette! She's on my team.

No! That's not fair!

She's like the charades ninja.

That's me. The ninja.


Oh, sorry!

Okay! I'm ready!

SUSAN: Okay, go!

- WOMAN: Shoes!
- Sock!

- Working out! Black!
- MAN: Soles!

- Itch!
- Corn!


A blister?

Blister! Sounds like blister!

MAN: Kissed her.
WOMAN: Sister.

Two Mules For Sister Sara!


Okay, 22 seconds. Lynette, you're up.

Come on, babe,
we're 40 seconds down.

We need you to make that time up.

Who do you think you're talking to?

- Right on.
- KATHERINE: All right!

Ready? Get set... Go!



Honey, clock's ticking.

I know.
It's just, this is a really hard one.

Okay, come on, come on! What is it?
Is it a book? Is it a movie?

Movie. It's a Western.

- No talking!
- Sorry.

Honey, start with the first word.
How many syllables?


One word?

Sweetie, act it out.
You're really good at that.

Okay, okay, whole idea.

- Me?
- Edie!

Woman! Blonde! Bleach!



- Hang 'Em High?
- Yes! Yes!


Okay! Well, I think it's time for a break.

Good. Yes.

You feeling okay?
Because you're acting kind of spacey.

Yeah, no, I'm good.

Hey, do you think
they have any grapes or lobster?

Why don't I go get you
some coffee, hon?

Orson, there's a phone call for you
at the house.

You should probably take it.

- Why, hello.
- Hello.

- Oh, Tom.
- Stella? What are you doing here?

I made some brownies earlier,

and I just noticed they were missing.

Lynette didn't bring them here,
did she?

Why, is that a problem?

- It's like chocolate love.
- Oh, God.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!

Sorry. Don't eat those. Don't eat those.
Sorry. No!

Oh, bad batch. Bad, bad, bad, bad.
Oh, sorry, full of trans-fats.

- Tom, watch it!
- I am sorry!

Oh, God, here.

- Let me get that.
- Thank you.

- It's a little cold.
- So sorry.

It's all right.

Would it be too much to ask you
to keep your hands off my husband?

What? I spilled my drink on him.

And you're trying to make up for it
by breast-feeding him?

(EXHALES) Katherine!

Look, lady, you need to calm down.

You're getting a reputation around here
for having a stick up your ass.

Better that reputation than
the one you're toting around.

What do you mean by that?

Okay! Back to charades!

- Never mind. Forget it.
- No, no, tell me.

What's my reputation?
Am I smug and holier-than-thou?

Oh, no, wait, that's you.

Let me be specific.

By "reputation," I mean that
you are the kind of woman

that treats a man like a plaything.
Whether it's my husband or,

let's say, your teenage gardener.

Bree saw you slap your daughter!

- Excuse me?
- Gabby!

Yeah. She asked about her father,
and then you smacked her.

Why'd you do that?

This is the last thing that
I will ever say to you.

Yes, I lost my temper with Dylan,

but her father is a horrible man.

I want you to imagine the worst thing
that a father can do to his daughter.

What was I supposed to
tell Dylan about that?

I hope that satisfies
everyone's curiosity.

Oh, my God.

Hang 'Em High has three syllables!

I guess you saw
what happened down there.


Look, it was a long time ago
and it didn't mean anything.

How many people know about this?

Now or before tonight?

- How many?
- Look, I know you're upset...

I'm not upset. I'm just trying to
work out how to spin this.

Clearly the boy was underage.

You think money would shut him up?

Victor, really,
I don't think it's a big deal.

(SCOFFS) That's because
you're not me.

Okay, you've got to remember this.

This is Bodsworth,
you took him everywhere.

No, I think I'd remember
a bear that ugly.

Well, clearly it's yours.

Your mom kept it all these years,
and he's here in your old room.

Wait, this was my old room?

My mom told me I'm in my old room,
down the hall.

No, this was your room.
What are you talking about?

KATHERINE: Evening, girls.

Hey! How was the party?

It was lovely.

I think your mother would like
you home to help clean up.

I'm sorry, Mom.

That's okay, sweetie.

But I don't want you
seeing that girl any more.

Orson, honey, where have you been?

We got a call from Danielle's doctor.

Apparently her fall caused
a placental abruption

where the placenta separates
from the uterus.

- Oh, my God.
- No, they said not to panic.

There are degrees of this.

They're doing a sonogram,
then they're gonna call us.

I can't wait that long.
I have to be with her.

Okay, I'll get your purse.

What do you think you're doing?
You can't leave yet!

Something's come up.
We'll talk tomorrow.

No, we'll talk now!

You still owe me an explanation for
that skuzzy gyno you sent me to.

I said I was sorry. For God's sake,
Susan, not everything is about you!

I know this night has been
a complete disaster, but all in all,

it's still your best party ever.

I'm confused.

(GROANS) Now I'm confused
and my head hurts.

That's for letting Edie think
you're engaged.

And the kiss?

When you saw me flirting,
you smashed a glass.

When Victor heard I had an affair,
he started crunching poll numbers.

I need a man
who cares enough to explode

when he thinks he's gonna lose me.

I don't just love you,
I love the way you love me.

So we're back on?

See you Thursday.

Al, what have you got for me?

AL: I think I found a way to
make this happen.

But it might take a week or two to
line everything up.


I'll call you when it's done.

Shirley, can you make some copies
of the Britt file?

Seen Gabby?

Yeah. In the bathroom upstairs.

Tell me something.

When you found out that kid

who you were paying to mow your lawn
was doing your wife,

how did you not kill him?

Well, I wanted to at first.

But hey, we're all human, right?
You gotta forgive and forget.

You're a very understanding man.

If she pulled something like that on me,
that guy wouldn't be around for long.

Yeah, but no woman's worth
going to jail for, right?

If you have enough money, it's not
that hard to make someone disappear.


Let's go, honey.

Night, Carlos.

Darling, what are you doing?

I have to bring this DVD player
to Danielle.

Honey, we really have to go.

It'll just take a few seconds.
All these damn cords!

Sweetheart, it's a long drive.

It's the only thing she asked for.


Yes, hello? Hello, doctor.

How is she?

- Thank God.
- Oh.


It's going to be okay.


Kids are all tucked in.
They're sleeping like angels.

Great. Did you put Quaaludes
in their cocoa?

Could you check on them
for me, please?

So how was the party?

You drugged me!

Just a little.

What is wrong with you?
I told you I didn't want any pot.

Before you slap me around,
let me ask you something.

Do you feel better?

That's not the point. And what were you
thinking, using my son as a drug mule?

He didn't know what was going on.

And why are you making
such a big deal about it?

Let me ask you something.

Do you remember
what I wore to the junior prom?

Or what part I had in the play
that year?

Who remembers that stuff?

Parents who weren't stoned.

My whole childhood passed in a blur
because you were medicating yourself.

Pot when you were sick, booze when
you weren't. I am not going to do that.

I won't miss a second of my kids' lives.
Not if I can avoid it.

Well, I'd say I'm sorry, but I'm not.

You're a mom.

You know there's nothing worse
than watching your kids suffer.

And seeing you act all goofy
watching that cartoon, well...

It was probably the high point
of my trip.

I get it.

But if you ever pull
something like this again...

I won't.

Okay. Well, I think I'll turn in.

- Yente.
- What?

Junior year.
You were Yente in Fiddler on the Roof.

You remembered.

Yep. There are some performances so
bad, even alcohol can't block them out.


Can we call a truce, please?

So you know I'm not bluffing,
I brought cake.

I am so sorry that
I snapped at you tonight.

It's okay.

I just want to know what's going on.

Ever since you've been pregnant,
there's been this wall between us.

It's like something's changed
and I don't know why.

Did I do something to offend you?

It's not about you. I've just been
going through some things.

Like what? I mean, come on,
just tell me. We share everything.

Okay, I haven't told anybody this, but...

It's about the baby.

There have been some complications.

Oh, no. Is everything okay?

Yeah, everything's fine,

but there was just a time
where I thought I might lose it.

Oh, my God.

And there I was just bugging you
about your doctor. I am so sorry.

You should have just told me.

No, you're pregnant, too.

I'm not gonna tell you anything
that's gonna worry you.

Oh, are you kidding?

It's the first baby I've had in 17 years.

You know, I could not
possibly be more freaked out.

This morning,
I caught Mike building a crib.

No! This early?

Yeah! I wanted to scream, you know,

"Are you nuts?
Do you just want to jinx it?"

This is what we get for having kids
at our age. Anxiety, terror...

It's just going to get worse.

Do you know, when our babies go to
college, we'll be like...


If we're lucky.

Look at us!

Pregnant gals, eating cake
and bitching. It's kind of nice, huh?

It really is.

What are you doing?

The hospital called.
My aunt's ready to come home.

And you want her to stay in here?

Yeah. I think making this room off limits
was a mistake.

If I want Dylan to focus on other things,
I really need to make it less intriguing.

Speaking of intriguing...
What were you thinking last night?


Come on,
"The worst thing a father could do."

You realise
what people are going to think.

Yeah. They're going to be
very uncomfortable.

And uncomfortable people
don't ask questions.


MARY ALICE: All children love games.

But children grow up,
and then they find new games to play.

They pretend to be well
so their families won't worry.

They lie to their lovers
about where they go in the afternoon.

They invent stories to hide the truth
from their friends.

Yes, everyone has fun playing games,

right up until the moment

someone gets hurt.