Desperate Housewives (2004–2012): Season 3, Episode 21 - Into the Woods - full transcript

In the aftermath of Victor's election as mayor of Fairview, Gabrielle is led to believe she has a new-found power, but unwisely uses it to try to avoid getting a parking ticket and winds up getting arrested. Lynnette and Rick find...

Previously on Desperate Housewives...

Lynette made excuses...

The restaurant did
close a half-hour ago.

We're doing inventory.

Carlos made a friend...

Nothing better than family.

And Edie made a pass.

Victor popped the question.

Will you marry me?

Susan let Mike down.

I love you.

But yolove him
a little bit more.

And Ian...

Good-bye, Susan.

Let Susan go.

It can happen to anyone.

An old woman hears
suspicious footsteps

as she walks down the street...

A businessman sees a
reflection in his car window...

A shop owner
feels a blade

pressed against his back...

And in that instant...

an ordinary person...

is transformed
into a victim.

And a world that
seemed so safe

is suddenly...

filled with danger.

So this little ear-shaped
pasta is called...


And the cubes of
bacon are pancetta.

Thank God for Italian.

You can charge way more for
"orecchiette with pancetta"

than you'd ever get for
"bacon and little ears."

Thank you.

This is nice.

It doesn't need
more garlic?

No, I mean...

The food, the wine...


I swear, there are times this is
all that gets me through my day,

knowing at the end of it, I get
to steal this little half-hour

where I'm not a Mom or
a wife or a pizza slave.

I'm just a...

tired lady with a nice
man who cooks for her.

Well, it's the highlight
of my day, too.

Sorry, guys.
We're closed.

Yeah, we know.

Put your cell phones
on the table.

Oh, crap.

Get in there.
Don't make any noise.

Oh... my... God!

Oh, my God!

They locked us in here!

It's 42 degrees!

We're gonna freeze to death!

Listen, don't panic.

I'm sure when you don't come home,
Tom will come looking for you.

No, he won't. He takes
a pain pill at 10:00.

He's probably
already asleep.


How are we gonna make it
through the night in here?

Yes, in the moment it takes
to bolt a freezer door,

ordinary people
can become victims.

That better?

And a world that
seemed so safe...


That helps.

Is suddenly filled
with danger.

By Tyno, Wisteria Team
Transcript by YDY &

At the exact same moment his wife
was being locked in a freezer,

Tom Scavo was
having a nightmare

about monsters trying
to destroy his home.

But it wasn't until he woke
up the next morning

that his real
nightmare began.

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You awake?


Did you sleep at all?

A little.

Thanks for not letting
me freeze last night.

Are you kidding me? You're
the one that kept me warm.

You don't have
a fever, do you?


That's just me.

Tom's always kicking
the covers off the bed.

He calls me his little
blonde furnace.

He's a lucky guy.



In here!

Thank God.

We were robbed!

I don't care about that.
Are you okay?

-Yeah. No, I'm fine.
-Were you hurt?

No, I'm just cold.

I was so worried
about you.

If you knew the places that
my mind has been...

I'm sorry.
I would've called,

But they took our cell phones
before they locked us in there.




I can't believe one dress
could cost so much.

Well, I wanna look fabulous tonight
when Victor's elected mayor.

Yeah, but isn't it bad
luck to buy a dress

for the victory party
before the election?

Vern, focus. It's never bad
luck when I look fabulous.

Hi. Don't worry.
I'm here now.

Yeah, but your
meter just expired.

Might want to put
another quarter in.

Oh, no, no. I'm just gonna say
bye to my friend, then I'm gone.

You know, this whole
thing is crazy.

I go on one gay cruise and come home to
find you engaged to some rich politician.

Oh, Vern, I can't wait
for you to meet him.

He's everything I've ever
wanted in a man.

Sensitive and kind...

And buys you
$3, 000 dresses.

Buys me $3, 000 dresses.

And he's totally fine with you being
a high-maintenance nightmare?

Oh, my God.
That's the best part.

He lets me be me.

All right, I gotta get going.

See you later.

What are you doing?

I told you I was leaving.
Stop writing!

Yeah, but you
weren't leaving.

You were flapping your gums.

Oh, give ma break.

I was standing right tre.
You could've said something.

I told you to put
a quarter in...

Spoiled bitch.

You can't talk
to me like that!

$40? You think
I'm gonna pay that?

No, I'm guessing it'd be the sap
that bought you the $3, 000 dress.

Hey, Carlos! Wait.


Look, there's some crazy rumor
going around that Mike moved.

It's true. He went on a little trip,
and en he's heading back east.

Oh, my God.
Where is he now?

Okay, look, I know that I've
put Mike through the wringer,

but that's why I have to talk
to him, to make it right.

-He's not answering his cell phone.
-He turned it off.

He said he wanted
to clear his head.

Okay, Carlos...

Tell me where
to find him.

I'm sorry, Susan.

Look, you know what they say,
bros before hos.

They... say it.
I... don't.

Come on. Just for my peace of
mind, I have to know he's okay.

I don't know...

What am I gonna do,
go hunt him down?!

I have a daughter.
I have responsibilities.


He hiked to the hot springs at
Pinewood Valley State forest.

Okay, Julie,
I'm out of here.

Here's 40 bucks
on the counter.

Are you sure this
is a good idea?


If I don't find Mike before he's off that
mountain, I may never see him again.

Okay, what you're doing is
nauseatingly romantic,

but how do you know he
even wants to see you?

I mean, after the whole
"I choose Ian" thing?

That's why I have to go.

I have to make amends and
heal his broken heart.

Ohkay well, what if his devastation
has turned to anger,

and he's burning pictures
of you in his campfire?

Well, what else can I do?

I love him. I have to go.

Then go.

Strike three! You're outta there!

Again? How are
you beating me?

You got someone in there
greasing the ball for you? Huh?

Hey, come on, Travers. You can take
him. Go for the soft underbelly!

Soft?! What are
you talking about?

I'm all muscle.
Travers, feel that bicep.

Mom's is harder.

Oh, well,
thank you, sweetheart.

Fine. I can take a hint.
I need a little exercise.

So how about we go to the
batting cages and hit a few?

-Wait! Whoa, whoa, whoa.

We're supposed to
go to the movies.

How about batting
cages on Saturday?

Sounds great.

Yeah, we'll get to find out who
hits the ball harder, uou or Mom.

You are so going
down. Come here.

Hey, w the hell is that?

Hello, Edie.


It's your Dad.

Kenya was amazing,

and being a part of Doctors
Withou Borders was so rewarding.

But I can't do it again, not
with the time commitment.

I'm gonna have to wait till
this little guy is in college.

So when are you
taking Travers home?

Not till tomorrow.

I'm speaking at a conference
in Hilldale this afternoon.

And if you're hungry,
I'm buying you breakfast.

-That'd be great.
-All right!

I'll help you get dressed.

You know... if you wanna
take a couple days and chill,

Edie and I would be more than
happy to keep looking after Travers.

Oh, thanks, but, uh, we should
probably get back home.


The thing is...

we kind of made plans to take him
to the batting cage on Saturday.


Well, maybe you can take
him the next time he visits.

Yeah, yeah.

When do you think that'll be?

I don't know.

I'll have to check
my schedule.

I don't mean to sound
pushy. It's just, uh...

You know, the three of us, we've just
been having a lot of fun together.

Well? look at
the bright side.

You'll have a lot more
time alone with Edie.


that is good.

Here you go, officer.

I cued it up to the
clearest shot of the guy.

Thank God you made me spring
for that surveillance camera.

I wanted to spend the money
on a pinball machine.

Son of a bitch.

I think these are the same guys that hit
a couple of diners out on Mount Vernon.

You mind if I rewind?


I wanna see the exact
time they came in.

Overshot it a little.

I was doing receipts, and Rick surprised
me with this great idea for the menu.

-It's called... What are they called?
-Uh, orecchiette.

-It means "little..."
-I know what it means.

And he makes them
with pancetta

and garlic and olive oil.
It's really, really good.

It's gonna be our
special tonight.

So the door
was unlocked?

You need to be
more careful.

The two of you are
just asking for trouble.

Yeah, I guess we were.

Quiet! Quiet!
They're about to announce!

The race in Valley
Ridge is too close to call.

However, we're now projecting
a winner in Fairview.

It's Victor Lang by 10%...


Thank you, all. I couldn't have
done it without any of you.

I would especially like to thank
my beautiful fianc?e Gabrielle.

And I will, as soon as the
feeling returns to my lower back.

Sir, mayor's on the phone.

Sounds like he
wants to concede.

-Gabrielle, congratulations.
-Thank you.

Your husband runs
a hell of a campaign.

We're so excited for Victor.

What a day, huh?

Well, it is ending a lot
better than it started.

Oh, what happened?

Oh, this morning, I got in a fight
with a parking cop over a ticket,

and the guy was a total jerk.

Well, your days of dealing
with that crap are over.

What do you mean?

Mayor Johnson's wife, Sydney...

She's been collecting parking tickets
like bubble gum cards for years,

just gives them to her
husband. They disappear.

Keep talking.

Honey, you are no longer
one of the little people.

Forget jury duty,
speeding tickets.

You rule this town now.

Well, he conceded.
I'm the mayor.

You ready to be
the mayor's wife?

Am I ever.

Knock, knock.

Hey. Where's Travers?

His Dad's helping him pack.

God, I'm gonna
miss that little guy.

It's been so much fun.

Yeah, it was.

You're gonna miss him,
too, aren't you?

I know what would
cheer us up.

A weekend getaway,

just the two of us.
How's that sound?

Actually, I'm busy
this weekend.


I thought we had plans to
go to the batting cage.

UYeah, but that was gonna take a couple
of hours, and I'm swamped with work.

Since when?

You spent every day hanging
out with me and Travers.


I've been putting off my work so
I could be there to help you with him,

and now it's time for
me to buckle down.

So what does that
mean for you and me?

We're still gonna
see each other.

I was thinking...

for your birthday...

that we could go to
that new oyster bar.

My birthday is two
weeks from now.

Yeah. It'll be my treat.


Looking forward to it...

for the next 14 days.

Hey, don't let Travers leave
without saying goodbye to me.

Oh, wouldn't dream of it.

I know how much
he means to you.

Hi there.

Can I get a map to the hot springs?
I'm gonna hike up there.

No problem.
You got gear?


-That's not gear.
-Why not?

It's tiny, ma'am.
And pink.

Well, it's my daughter's.
The whole junior class has them.

Does the junior class
have compasses, too?

Trail shoes? Tents?

Why would I need a tent?

It's a two-day hike
to reach the springs.

Two days?

Well, can't I just drive part of the
way and then hike from there?

That's not really how nature works,
ma'am. There are trails, not roads.

Well, maybe I am a little
unprepared, but it'll be fine.

I work out. I have
quads of steel.

I'm sorry. I just can't let
you go up there...

Can't? There's no
"can't" in love.

There's a man on that mountain that
I intend to spend the rest of my life with,

And nothing is gonna keep
me from him. Not fate,

not destiny and
definitely not you.

To finish my thought, ma'am.

I can't let you go
up there alone.

You'll need a guide.


How do I get one of those?

Toni, I got a hiker for ya!

This is Toni,

and those are
quads of steel.

Thanks for suggesting we do this.

I've always wanted
to try this place.

Well, you've been working
for me for over a month,

and I figured it was time
we got acquainted.

So much I don't
know about you.

Well, I'll be happy
to fill in the blanks.

What would you
like to know?

Well, for starters.

Are you sleeping
with my wife?


No, Tom. Of course not.

Okay, so you're just
hoping to sleep with her.

Look, if this is
about the video,

I swear, I was just trying
out a new recipe.

Don't give me the recipe line.
I am not an idiot.

The truth is that Lynette
and I have been going

through sort of
a rough patch.

Yeah, she told
me about that.

And then you came along, and
wham, it's the perfect storm.

You're young,
good-looking, sensitive.

Way more fun than five screaming
kids and a cranky, invalid husband.

Tom, seriously,
nothing has happened.

And nothing is going to,

because you
are gonna quit.

Quit? No. No, no.

I'm not gonna do that.

You want me gone, fire me.

You'd like that, wouldn't you?

Have Lynette fight for you,
while I'm the jealous jerk

who can't trust his wife.

No. You have to quit.

I'm staying as long as
Lynette wants me there.

And make no mistake.

She wants me there.

Oh, buddy.

You're not thinking
this thing through,

because Lynette will
never leave her family.

So the best and I mean, the very
best that you can hope for

is to catch her in
a weak moment,

and leave a wound in her marriage
that will take years to heal, but...

It will heal.

Because I will
stand by her

and I will le her just as hard as
she hates herself for what she did.

You still feel like
sticking around?

Can I get you
some more bread?

No, I think I've had
just about enough.

I mean, the doctor said that Mike
might never come out of the coma.

And then when he did,
he didn't even remember me.

Di you need to rest a second?
You sound winded.

No, no. I'm invigorated.
This fresh mountain air is...

Little help.

So anyway,

the whole situation with Mike,
It just seemed hopeless and,

that's when I decided to
take a chance with Ian.

Ian is the british guy
whose heart you crushed?


What was I supposed to do,
wait forever for Mike?

No, seriously, I was asking.

What would you have done?

I would have waited for him.

Well, clearly,
you weren't paying attention,

because I did go back to Mike
the second he woke up,

and he'd totally forgotten me!

But none of that matters
anymore 'cause...


You know, the bugs can't get in
if you keep your mouth shut.


I have someone who
wants to meet you.

A puppy!

Yeah. You wanna hold him?

He's awesome.
Are you gonna keep him?

No, he's not mine. He's yours.

-No way!
-Well, way!

I just rescued him
from the pound.

So. What you gonna call him?

Fenway. After Fenway Park.

That is so cute!

Everybody back home
is gonna be so jealous.

But, Mom. I can't take him home.

Dad's allergic.

That's right.


I'm gonna have to take poor little
Fenway back to the pound.

No! Why can't
I keep him here?

Well, you don't visit
here very often, and...

and I can't take care
of a dog all by myself.

Well, I don't know
what else to do.

Why can't I just
visit you more?

Hey, that's a thought,

and Carlos would love it, too.

Of course, I don't know how your father
would feel about joint custody.

I'll talk to him.
I'll tell him I want it.


Well, that would be great.

But you better make sure that he knows
that it was all your idea, okay?

We're about three hours
from the hot springs.

So if we get an early start tomorrow,
we should be there by lunch.

What are you doing?

It's a face mask.

It's lavender and honey.
You want some?

Honey, huh?

So you're in the middle
of the woods,

getting ready to smear
your face with bear food?

Well, I wanted to
look nice for Mike.

Lord knows I don't want to hear
you talk about this anymore, but

what exactly do you think is
gonna happen with you andhis guy?


I'm going to apologize and...

then I'm gonna tell him that
I made a huge mistake...

No, no, no, no. After that.

Say he accepts your apology.

You get back together,
and then what happens?

You know, after the
novelty wears off?

Well, then...

we'll just be happy.

Okay, I know it's dark,
but I can see you.

Look, after hearing your
whole history with Mike

It doesn't take a genius to
figure out what the problem is.

-What is it?

You don't want to be happy.
You're a drama junkie.

When there is no
drama, you create it.

You sleep with
your ex-husband,

you cheat on
a coma victim,

and now you're
hiking up a mountain

after a guy who has
no idea you're coming.

Who knows?

Maybe this guy
will take you back.

But once the dust settles,

you'll kick up some more because
you don't know how to just...

be... happy.

You don't even know me.
How dare you talk to me like that?

So dramatic.

I'm gonna turn in now.

All right, sunshine,
let's get moving.

What are you looking at?

My city.

It's like I'm seeing it
for the first time.

Everything looks different now
that I'm First Lady of Fairview.

Oh, my God. You did not just call
yourself "First Lady of Fairview".

Well, well, well...
Who do we have here?

Wouldn't you just love to rub
his nose in your newfound power?

Vern, you're just awful.

And as it happens, so am I.

Gaby, come on,
I was just joking.

Hey, lady. It's a hydrant.
You can't park there.

Really? 'Cause I just did.

Oh, you again!


Just stand back and
enjoy the carnage.

Thank you.

Now what you're about
to see may astound you.

You know, I could give you
another ticket for littering.

You could try,
but you might not want to.

See, I'm engaged to
Victor Lang. Ring a bell?

The mayor?
Your new boss?

I don't follow politics.

Let me know when the carnage
begins so I can shield my eyes.

Listen, buddy,
you're not getting it.

You answer to me now.

I could have you fired.

You can't do nothing.

I can do whatever I want!

In fact, my first official act of
business as mayoress of Fairview...

is to declare today
"free parking day"!

Hey, knock that off.

Free parking!

Give me that!

-Give me that!

Ow, you're hurting me!

You know what that
sound is, fat boy?

The sound of your career
circling the bowl.

Yeah, you're gonna find out
what happens when you screw

with the First Lady of Fairview!

Okay, north.
I need north.

Moss grows on the
north side of trees.


Damn it!

Stupid mossy trees!

-Hey, buddy!

-How you doing?

Can I ask you a question?

Sure. You can
ask me anything.

How would you feel
about joint custody?

You bought him a puppy?

No, I bought myself a puppy.

How was I supposed to know
that he'd get so attached?

Don't lie to me, Edie.

You were trying
to manipulate him.

What? Would it be so terrible
to have joint custody?

In case you forgot,
I am his mother.

Two weeks out of the year,
and that's the way you wanted it.

Well, I changed my mind.

Damn it, Edie.

-We had an agreement!
-It wasn't official!

And there isn't a judge
in this world

that would keep
a mother from her cld.

Hey, Travers. What's going on?

Mom and Dad are fighting.

You wanna go watch
TV at my house?


I'll see you there
in a sec, buddy.

You haul me into court,
and so help me,

I will destroy you!

You threaten me again, and
I will go for full custody, you...

you son of a bitch.

-Oh, hi.

So... What is going on?

Edie has lost her mind.

For eight years, she's been happy
to see him two weeks a year.

Now out of the blue,
she's gotta have joint custody.


Yeah. And how's that
supposed to work?

We live four hours away.

What's he gonna do,
go to two different schools?

I don't know what to tell
you, man. I'm sorry.

Yeah, thanks.

You know, I just don't get it.

Edie's been perfectly happy
with our arrangement.

What the hell's
gotten into her?

-Well, thanks.
-Good night.

Come again.



I made you an espresso.


You okay?

You've been so
quiet all night.

I had lunch with
Tom today.

That's funny.

He didn't mention it.

He asked me if I was
sleeping with you.


I'm so sorry.
Oh, my God.

I'm so sorry.

That paranoid idiot.
You know, I knew it.

I knew when we were watching
the surveillance tapes that

he would completely
misinterpret it.

-Did he?
-Did he what?

Did he misinterpret it?

Or did he just see what is obvious
that you and I can't admit?

I don't know what you're talking
about. There's nothing to admit.

Lynette, how long are
we gonna kid ourselves?

I have feelings for you.

I know you feel
something for me.

Don't say it!

You cannot say
these things.

We both know it's true.

We've been flirting
since we met.

Yes, flirting!
That's it!

It's what married people do, because
we know there is a line you don't cross.

and maybe I've gotten
close to that line,

and maybe I've enjoyed
getting close to that line,

but I have never
once crossed it.

Look, I know I don't
have much to offer...

And I have nothing to offer!
I am taken!


Great, great. Now what,
you're mad at me?

Yeah, I'm mad! I am mad because
I loved our nights together.

It made me feel sexy and happy,
and, God, how I needed that.

And now it's over.
You ruined it.

You can't work
here anymore.

You're gonna fire me?

Oh, jeez.
What choice do I have?

Lynette. Lynette, please...

Don't touch me!

You have to go now.
Please, go.

You have to go now.

Go on. Go.

Her name is Susan Mayer,
and she's never hiked before.

Now this is the last place
I saw her, but honestly,

she could be anywhere.

Just checking back in.
The name's Delfino.

Delfino. Great.
You're all set.

Are you sure
she's lost?

Of course I'm sure.

She's a dippy brunette
from the suburbs.

She didn't bring a compass.
She brought makeup.

Wait, is she the one looking for
the guy at the hot springs?

Yep, that's her.

Now let's go find her before
she falls off a cliff.

The woman is a total klutz.

Yeah, I hear you.

All right, we'll split up.

I'll take north of the river here,
and you look down in here.

Excuse me.

This klutz...

Could you tell me
her name?

Hey... Mike.

Listen, I know your
cell phone's off, but I...

I wanted you to know that I followed
you up to the hot springs, and...

Now I'm lost.

You know, in the off chance that I get
devoured by a mountain lion, I...

I just wanted you to
know that, um...

I love you.

I've always loved you.

And I don't want
any more drama.

And if you take me back,
I promise there won't be.

Unless I get eaten by a mountain
lion, and, you know,

that'll be dramatic,
but it won't be my fault.

Anyway, um...

I hope it's not too late,
but if it is, I just...

I just want you to know
that I am so, so...


Here she is, sir.

No charges, no press.

Never happened.

Hi, honey.

You look handsome in a tux.

Jerome, give us
the room, please.

All right, look,
I know y're mad, but

wait till you hear what
that jerk did to me...

Gaby, shut up.

Are you familiar
with the quote,

"From the one to whom much has been
entrusted, even more will be demanded"?

Doesn't ring a bell.

From the bible.

That explains it.

This is not a joke!

I have been elected mayor.
Certain things are expected of me.

One in particular is that my future
wife not assault city employees.

He was mean.
He deserved it.

I don't care!

Your behavior reflects on me,
and I can't do my job

if you're constantly
humiliating me.

Constantly? Aside from today,
give me one example.

Okay, how about jumping into my arms
like a 10-year-old at the election party?

I was just joking around, being me.
I thought you liked that.

I do, in private.

In public, you have to
act like a grown-up.


I'm sorry I disappointed you.

It won't happen again.

I better get dressed.

I don't want to be late
to the victory party.

What happened
to your wrist?

That's what I was
trying to tell you.

The meter man. He grabbed
my arm and twisted it.


My God, he left a bruise.

It's not as bad as it looks.

Still, he shouldn't
have done that.


You're home early.

It was kind of
dead tonight.



By the way, we are gonna
need to find a new chef.

Rick gave notice.

He quit?

Well, he got a better offer
from some place across town.

That's too bad.


Whatcha gonna do?

Well, we don't have
to hire someone.

I am coming back.

You sure you're ready?

Yeah. Doctor said I can lose
the back brace next week,

And I promise
I'll take it easy.

No lifting, just cooking.

Well, okay, then.

I feel really good
about this, hon.

I have been going nuts
just lying around.

This is gonna be so great!
We're a team again.


I missed you.

I missed you, too.

Hey, Edie?

Well, hello, stranger.

Come on in.

So what's up?

Nothing much.

I hear you're going for
joint custody of Travers.


I hired a lawyer,

and he is a real shark.

Wow, you're not
messing around, huh?

I think it's important that Travers
has his mother in his life.

Of course, he'll probably
want to spend more time

with his video
game buddy.


You know, but I just
keep thinking...

What's all this gonna be like for him,
you know, all the traveling back and forth?

He's a kid.

He'll adjust.

Yeah, plus two schools,
two sets of friends.

I mean, it's not
gonna be easy.

Why are you
being so negative?

I thought you'd be
excited about this.

I know you did.

I just want you
to ask yourself,

is this all really in the
best interest of Travers?

Kids need stability.

What about what I need?

I know that
you miss him...

and I know you're worried
about being lonely,

But I am going to
be here for you.

Yeah, once
every two weeks.


I'm really going to
be here for you.

And I'm gonna
make you happy.

Don't say that if you
don't mean it, Carlos.

I do.

All right, I'll, um...

I'll call off the lawyer.

You know, I really
am goa miss him.

Yeah, me, too.

Ladies and

please join me in welcoming
the next mayor of Fairview...

Victor Lang!

Your name Jeff Scott?


You read meters for a living?

Do you know how
much I love you?

I think so.

Anyone can
end up a victim...

Injured by the
actions of others.

But whether the damage is
inflicted by a cunning ex-wife...

Or a blow delivered by
the object of our affection...

The time comes when
we must pick ourselves up

and continuen our journey.

And if we can't,

then all we
can pray for...

is rescue.


I twisted my ankle.


'Cause now
I get to do this.