Desperate Housewives (2004–2012): Season 3, Episode 20 - Gossip - full transcript

Angry and frustrated over learning that both Ian and Mike have been competing with each other to win her affections, Susan goes to a therapist and realizes she must choose between Ian and Mike. Gabrielle's engagement party at the ...

[Mary Alice]
Previously on Desperate Housewives:

I saw the man in your freezer.

Mrs. McCluskey and Parker
shared a secret...

You can never tell anyone.

... but the secret was discovered.

You bet me in a game of poker?

- Susan was forced to make a decision.
- Get out.

There will be no kissing
and no wedding.

Lynette ventured
into dangerous territory.

- You ever wear your hair down?
- Sometimes.

- It looks really good.
- Thanks.

- You embarrassed to be dating me?
- Gabby's going to hit the ceiling.

Edie came to a disturbing realization...

Oh, my God.
You're still in love with her.

... and Gabby took a bold step.

In a few months,
I will be Mrs. Victor Lang.

Really, this is so stupid.
I don't know my own strength.

The night of her engagement party,
Gabrielle Solis was injured.

But she wasn't hurt by the chauffeur who
almost slammed a door on her fingers...

... or the stranger
who almost stepped on her hand...

... or the waiter who almost
dropped a knife on her wrist.

No, Gabrielle's injury came about

in a more unexpected fashion...

... and was caused by someone
Gabrielle thought was her friend.

Thank you.
You told Bree about your engagement?

Yep. She's on the top of a Swiss Alp,

and still managed
to send a basket of muffins.

You're kidding.

Traveled five thousand miles
and they were still moist.

I don't know how she does it.

It's late.
Let's break out the champagne.

You're not gonna embarrass me
with some sappy toast?

I'm not. But Susan's written a poem.

A poem?

She's reworked the lyrics
to Wind Beneath my Wings.

Testing. One, two, three. Testing.

What are you waiting for?
Get the champagne.


- Hey, Gabby.
- Hi, Edie.

So, I finally met Victor.
He is so charming.

Isn't he great? I know it's been quick,
but he's just so amazing.

So you really love him?

- He is the one?
- He is.

And I've never been happier.

I am so thrilled for you.

- Edie, are you OK?
- Yes.

Yes, yes. I'm fine.

Oh, sweetie.

Don't worry, you're gonna
find someone soon. I just know it.

- What?
- Actually, I have found someone.

- And I am crazy about him.
- Well, who is it?

Oh, no.
No, no. Tonight is about you.

Oh, no, no, Edie! Come on.

It would make me happy
to know who's making you happy.

- Really?
- Yeah.

I wanna know who's putting that
dopey grin on your face.

Well, actually, it's Carlos.


Carlos. I've been seeing Carlos.

And this is how Gabrielle Solis
came to be injured

the night of her engagement party.

And though she seemed to laugh it off,

Gabrielle had been cut
much, much deeper

than anyone could see.

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- Greg is definitely off the wagon.
- Gossip.

For most housewives,
it's just a harmless form of recreation.

An exchange of semi-interesting tidbits
concerning the semi-interesting lives

of people they know.

That mailman was in Sarah's house
over an hour.

Packages weren't all he's delivering.

I could smell the whiskey
on Amy's breath.

It wasn't even noon yet.

Joanne may say
she was on a religious retreat,

but since when does praying
make your boobs bigger?

But the time comes in every neighborhood
when something very interesting happens.

And that's when gossip stops being
recreation, and becomes obsession.

What kind of woman would keep
her husband's body in the freezer?

For ten years? It's crazy.
Has anybody talked to her?

I've knocked twice.
She's not answering.

I saw the curtain move.
I saw a hand.

Great. We know she's watching us.

We're not who kept a corpsicle
in the basement.

That's right. She babysat your kids.

Think of how many times she brought them
ice cream from that basement.

I mean, if you want
to keep your husband on ice,

at least have a dedicated freezer.

- Do you think she actually killed him?
- Why else would she have hid the body?

She's only been charged
with improper disposal of a corpse.

Once they defrost it and do an autopsy,

I guarantee you they're gonna find
a bellyful of arsenic.

[Parker] What's arsenic?

It's something yucky, honey.

Go on and play with your ball. Go on.

We're trying to protect them from this.
Some things kids don't need to know.

There are some things
we don't need to know about.

Would you guys excuse me?

[Gabby] Hey, Edie.

Oh, hi, Gabby. What's up?

I've been doing some thinking,
and you know how...

How do I put this?

You know how you feel like
sometimes people hate you?

- I don't feel like that.
- Well, you should, because they do.

- Since when?
- Since you started doing things

- to piss people off.
- About what?

I don't know. Off the top of my head... your friends' exes.

Oh. Oh.

So that big smile on your face
the other night was all an act.

You're not fine with me seeing Carlos.

There are 1,000 single men in Fairview.
Why do you have to date my ex-husband?

- You're engaged. What do you care?
- It's awkward.

It's like if I donated a dress
to charity,

and I went to a party
and you showed up wearing it.

If you gave it away, then
what the hell are you bitching about?

Look, Edie, just find your own men

and stop snapping up
other people's castoffs!

And what if I don't?

Then be prepared
to suffer the consequences.

Oh, please.

You are as tall as my legs.
What're you gonna do?

You're about to find out.

[doorbell rings]

Who is it this time?


It's Ian.

- You gonna talk to him?
- No.

He's got flowers.

- I don't care!
- Looks like it's two dozen roses.

Good. I hope
the thorns rip him to shreds.

OK, Mom, I know
what Mike and Ian did was wrong...

They bet me in a game of poker!

They made decisions about my life
over a hand of Five Card Stud!

"Wrong" does not even begin to cover it.

[doorbell rings]

OK, OK. But there are only
two guys in this world

who know all of your flaws
and still love you.

- You're gonna toss 'em both away?
- Yes. I don't need a man.

I don't even need sex.
I went without it the first 16 years...

...22 years of my life.
And I can go a few more.

- This should be interesting.
- What?

Mike just walked up.

- [doorbell rings]
- Give it up.

She didn't answer the first ten times,
she's not gonna answer it now.

This is getting sad.
Take it like a Brit. Stiff upper lip.

You know what?
I've just about bloody had it with you!

I preferred you when you were comatose
and pooping in a bag!

Lucky for you
I don't have that bag right now.

All right, that does it.

- [door opens]
- [Julie] Uh, excuse me! Guys...

Hi. My mom would really like
for both of you to leave.

Don't soft-pedal it.
Let 'em know I mean business.

Because, if you don't,
she'll be very, very disappointed.

Rip 'em!

So just go home
and think about what you've done.

Ow! You want something bitchier,
do it yourself!

Here we are. Ravioli stuffed with
duck confit in a porcini cream sauce.

What do you think?

I think it's a shame
you didn't make any for yourself.

[cell phone ringing]

- Hi, honey.
- Hey.

- Just wanted to say I love you.
- Aren't you sweet?

[children arguing]

What's that noise?
Are the boys still up?

Yeah, they don't want to go to bed.

Of course they don't.
They're kids, you're the dad. Make 'em.

I tried, but they wanna wait up for you.

They miss their mom.

Is this your way of guilting me
into coming back home?

Lynette, the restaurant
did close a half hour ago.

Preston! Don't throw pudding!

Tom, I'm sorry, I can't come home.

We're doing inventory.
So it could be a while.

Well, OK. Try to hurry.

I will. I love you. Bye.

- Inventory?
- I know. I'm a horrible person.

I just chose ravioli over motherhood.

- I should go home.
- You have nothing to feel guilty about.

You bust your ass in this restaurant
every day to keep it going.

If anybody deserves downtime, it's you.

Those are shameless rationalizations.

Keep them coming.

Oh. Mmm.

Those, too.

There you are.
What are you doing outside?

Some big kids threw eggs
at Mrs. McCluskey's house.

Oh, jeez, they shouldn't have done that.

We should go talk to her.

No, it's late.

She probably doesn't
want us to bother her.

Come on, bud, bedtime.

So here's what's gonna happen.
We're not talking to Edie anymore.

- What do you mean, "we?"
- I mean "we" as in, she betrayed me,

and you're gonna support me
because that's what friends do.

And "support", to you,
means acting like we're in junior high?

I can't believe
you're not furious at this.

Before she sank her fangs into Carlos,
she was dating your ex-husband and Mike!

Yes. And do you know who I blame?
I blame Karl and Mike.

Why isn't anybody mad at them?
I mean, let's face it.

The men, they get away with murder.
They're scum!

OK. Back to Edie. I'm not sure
I'm comfortable ganging up on her.

Really? I wasn't very comfortable
taking your side

when you were feuding with Patty Monroe
over the fence line. But I did.

That's not fair.
Nobody really liked Patty to begin with.

Don't get me started
about what I've done for you.

I'm boycotting Madame Kim's Day Spa
because of your botched bikini wax.

Oh, my God.
How do you botch a bikini wax?

She will show you later!

The point is, good friends share more
than just gossip and brunch.

They share enemies, too.
So are you with me or not?

- Of course we're with you.
- We will give Edie the cold shoulder.

No, no. Not cold. Frozen.

I want icicles hanging
from that bitch's ears!

[Lynette] Hello?


Do you still want me
to look at that book report?

Daddy helped me yesterday.
You weren't home.

Oh... OK.

Daddy does everything lately.
How come you always come home so late?

Well, I'm really busy at the restaurant.

Believe me, I come home to Daddy
just as soon as I can.


You're lying.


You always laugh like that
when you're telling a lie.

[imitates Lynette's laugh]

Why would you say that?

Because it's true.

I stay late because
there's a lot of work to do.

I'm the only person who can do it.

I have to go to the grocery store

because I'm the only person
who can do that.

So why don't you go upstairs
and finish your homework?


But it is what you do.

[tires squealing]

- [honking horn]
- Excuse me!

Hey! Excuse me.

That's my space.

I'm parked in it,
so that makes it my space.

Hey, I waited for that spot

while the guy made phone calls
and flossed his teeth.

- You can't just steal it.
- It's a parking space.

Keep a lid on your hormones, honey.

God! You did that on purpose!

Yeah! I'm about to do this
on purpose, too!

You crazy bitch!
What do you think you're doing?

- What are you doing?
- I'm taking my damn space!

- You get out of my car!
- [honking horn]

- Whoa. Hey!
- Say you're sorry!

- Let me go!
- Say it!

- I'm sorry!
- Say "I'm a rude, arrogant bastard

who needs to treat women
with courtesy and respect!"

I'm a rude, arrogant...
How did the rest of it go?

[man] Freeze!

- Was this man trying to steal your car?
- It's my car!

She tripped me and grabbed my keys.

- Is this true, ma'am?
- All right. Take his side.

- Hey, who you spying on?
- Lynette.

She hasn't returned
my last two phone calls.

I think something's up.

- She's probably just busy.
- Yeah. We'll see about that.

I'm calling her right now.

[phone ringing]

- Oh, my God.
- What?

She just screened me.
I have been screened!

Maybe she's in a hurry.

No, no. This has Gabrielle Solis
written all over it.

- She is turning people against me.
- And you're surprised?

I told you how she'd react
if she found out about us.

Yeah? Well, if she wants
to play these schoolgirl games, fine.

Because I invented them.

- Lynette! Hi!
- Hey, hey.

- I just tried calling you.
- Oh, really?

- My ringer must have been off.
- No prob.

I wanted to invite you and the boys
to Travers' birthday party Saturday.

I'm having this reptile guy and he's got
all these cool snakes and lizards.

Oh, the boys would love that,
but unfortunately I gotta work.

Well, that's a shame
because I was hoping you could cater.

- Cater?
- Yeah.

I'm gonna need pastas and salads
for the parents.

- And at least 20 pizzas for the kids.
- Wow, that many?

Yeah. Well, you know kids.

If one has a pizza party,
they're all gonna want a pizza party.

Could be good for business.

Well, yeah, I guess
I could work something out.

I knew I could count on you. Love ya.

Look, whatever that court report says,
I do not have "anger issues."

I was just having a bad day.

You threatened to decapitate a man
over a parking space.

A very bad day.

Susan, when someone loses it
like you did, there's usually a reason.

- Are things going OK at work?
- Work is great.

You could just sign that paper
and tell the judge I'm fine.

- What about your family?
- Family's terrific.

Seriously, you're just
wasting your time here.

How's your love life?

[sobbing loudly]

[electronic beep]

Cancel my lunch.
I'm gonna be here for a while.

[sobbing continues]

Will you stop ringing that damn...

Sorry. I thought
you were one of those pissants

that keep ringing the bell
and running away.

So what's on your mind?

I want you to come back and babysit us.
The new sitter stinks.

- Your folks hired a new sitter?
- Yeah.

And she thinks carrot sticks are snacks.

Well, that's rough.
But life's like that sometimes.

It doesn't have to be.

If you told people
what happened with your husband,

everything could go back the way it was.

Parker, see those women over there?

Nothing I could say
would stop those tongues from wagging.

I'm sorry, kid,
but I just have to wait this one out.

Can you imagine?

I mean, finding out that two men
you trusted bet you in a poker game.

- How demeaning is that?
- It depends on how you look at it.

Men have been waging contests
over women for centuries.

I grant you, poker
isn't as romantic as, say, jousting,

but it shows how they felt about you.

The real question is
how did you feel about them?

I told you. Hurt and betrayed...

No. How did you feel about them
before this poker business?

Well, I was engaged to Ian,

so, obviously, I loved him.

And Mike?
Were you in love with him, too?

- How we doing on time?
- Susan.

OK, fine. I loved him.
I still love him. And I love Ian.

So I am totally, hopelessly
in love with two men.

Now we're getting somewhere.
This is good.

No, this is horrible!
This wasn't supposed to happen!

I only let myself fall for Ian
because I thought Mike was lost to me.

And then, bang,
suddenly, he wants me back,

and now I have this choice
that I can't possibly make.

I agree it's tough.

It's devastating.

If I go with Mike, Ian's heart will be
broken, and Ian does not deserve that.

But how can I reject Mike
after all he's been through?

So you're just gonna
walk away from both of them?

You have to make a choice, sweetie.

You've got two great guys,
both of them crazy about you.

To let one go, well,
that's life. It happens.

To let them both go, that's just...


Yes. That would be the clinical term.

Sounds great. Thanks.

Hey, how would you like to eat something
that's neither pasta nor pizza?

Such food exists? Don't tease me.

No, my friend Al,
he's opening a soul food place

Sunday night. He wants to test the menu
with some of his chef buddies.

He said I could bring someone.

- And you want me to go with you?
- It'll be after we close.

Don't tell me you hate southern food,

- because then we can't be friends.
- No. I love it.

It's just,
that's a little late for me, and...

OK. I just thought it would be fun.

It would be.
But Sunday nights are kind of crazy.

I'm packing lunches
and checking homework...

Right, right, right.
No worries. I get it.

You were just the first person
I thought of.

You know, maybe I should go.

It's part of the job
to check out the competition. Right?

Yeah, absolutely.

Never hurts to see
what else is out there.

I agree.

[children laughing and screaming]

Go check out the snakes.
I'll give you some pizza later.

- See ya later.
- I'll see ya later.

- Want some pizza?
- Yeah.

There ya go.

Lynette, What are you doing here?

Edie asked me to cater.

I know, I'm a total whore,
but please don't rat me out to Gabby.

Hi, Susan.
I have 30 copies of your book.

The kids can't wait for you to sign it.
Come on, let's go. Come on, come on.

Looks like we're working
the same corner.

Yeah. Only I didn't know Edie
was gonna have the party in the park.

- What if Gabby sees us?
- Trust me, we can both relax.

I talked to her this morning
and she's out with Victor all day.

That's a relief.

Go ahead. I dare you.

What's going on?

- There.
- Hey! Don't do that!

- Why not?
- Because she's not a witch!

- How do you know?
- She isn't! Don't be a jerk!

Is she your girlfriend?
Parker's in love!

Shut up!

Hey, you boys! Knock it off!

Parker, I'm so sorry.
Are you all right?

You know, everything would be OK
if you tell people what you told me.

You can make them stop.

Hey, Lynette, it's Gabby.

Victor got pulled into some photo-op
at the homeless shelter.

I'm free for lunch. You wanna go with?

I tried Susan, but she's not home,
which is weird,

because her car's in the driveway.

So is yours.
Where is everybody?

[children shouting]

Here you go.
Down! Down! Get down!

- What is wrong with you?
- Gabby's coming.

What? You said she was with Victor!

I was wrong. I was wrong!
Come on, follow me.

- Mommy, can I play?
- No. Go ride the python.

Come on!

OK, OK, she's circling the park.

I wish she'd hurry.
I'm terrified of snakes.

Yeah, I'm more terrified of Gabby.

OK, good, good, we're almost home free.

- What?
- Don't turn around.

[both screaming]

Lynette! Susan!

Hey, Gab. Hi.

- What are you two doing here?
- What are we doing here?

Well, Edie hired me to cater.
So it's just business.

- I don't know what her excuse is.
- You are so dead.

[Gabby] This is an absolute
betrayal of our friendship.

Gabby, she asked me to make 20 pizzas.
I couldn't turn it down.

This is so delicious.

Is that what our friendship is worth,
20 pizzas? We had a pact!

Come on, Gabby, be fair.
You put us in a really awkward position.

- Me? You two owe me an apology!
- No. Gabby, be reasonable.

I am leaving this party,

and if you don't come with me,
our friendship is over!

- [Lynette] Gabby!
- No, I mean it!


Carlos, stop! Put me down!

What are you doing?

Stop it! Carlos, put me down!

How dare you maul me like that?

You were ruining
Travers' birthday party.

What's wrong with you?

I'm sorry.
Betrayal makes me a little cranky.

Come on.
You can't tell Susan and Lynette

who they're allowed to be friends with.

What's ridiculous is
you not having the guts

to tell me you were dating Edie!

- Here it is.
- Yeah.

I had to find out from her
at my damn engagement party!

I had to hear that you were
engaged to Victor on the news!

I didn't plan it that way.
It was spur of the moment.

So you just said, "Hey, what the heck?"

- Are you even in love with this guy?
- Yes. Deeply!

Must be nice.

Aren't you in love with Edie?

We're having fun together,
but it'll never be serious.


So if I'm just dating,
and you're in love and getting married,

remind me again why it is
that you get to be the angry one.

I'm sorry, Carlos.

You should be.

[Mary Alice] And for the first time,

Gabrielle was willing
to let Carlos be with someone else...

- Hey.
- Hey.

... because she knew
he still belonged to her.

Feel free to take home
as much cake as you want.

- I do not want to be tempted.
- I might take a little for Tom...

Hi, Mrs. McCluskey.

Would you like some cake?

I didn't come for sweets.

I know you've been talking about me,

and I guess the only way
to shut you up is to come clean.

So who would like to hear
the gruesome details?

- I would.
- If you feel like it...


First off, and I know
this will disappoint some of you,

but I didn't kill Gilbert.

I came home from a weekend in Laughlin
and found him in front of the TV. Dead.

- He still had the remote in his hand.
- Good Lord.

It was 2:00 AM, so I decided to wait
until morning to call the funeral home.

And I went to his desk
to make sure everything was in order.

I found his pension plan,
and guess what.

In the event of his death
I was not the beneficiary.

- Who was?
- His first wife.

They were married
when he started the job, for two years.

We were together 34 years and
that idiot didn't change the paperwork!

I not only lost my Gilbert,
but I was about to lose everything.

So, I, um...

- I, uh...
- You put him in the freezer

and kept cashing the checks.

Well, what else was I gonna do?

Besides, after a while,
it was kind of nice having him around.

Anyway, that's the truth.

You ladies have my permission
to pass it along...

Not that some of you ladies need it.

Probably weren't expecting to see me?

Well, after 20 unanswered calls...

No, not really.

About that, obviously
I have been very confused.

But I finally saw a therapist.

Actually, it was sort of
a court-ordered thing, anyway...

Well, I need to talk to you.

You sound sure.

I am.

I'm going to marry Ian.

Believe me, this wasn't easy.

Especially when you started to remember
how it was between us.

Maybe if the timing
had been different...

Yet, it wasn't.

I'm sorry, Mike.

Well, at least I have my memories.

- Ready to go?
- Yeah.

I told Kim we'd be out the rest
of the evening. She's gonna lock up.

- Great, I'll just get my jacket.
- OK.

- Hey, you got a table for seven?
- Hey!

- Hi! What are you doing here?
- Hey, Mom!

Well, the kids wanted to surprise you,

and it's been forever since
we've all had dinner together...

Well, how did you get here?
I mean, you're not supposed to drive.

I took a cab, a double dose
of the painkillers, and voila.

- You surprised?
- Yeah, a little.

- We missed you!
- I missed you too.

Why don't you guys
go grab that big table,

and I will have Rick
whip something up for us! Hi.

- Wow, you smell good.
- Oh! It must be the basil.

It has got a sweet smell.

Hey, Kayla, can you get
a high chair for your sister?

- Yeah.
- All right. Who wants pizza?

- [children] I do!
- Hi. Change of plans.

Yeah, I see.

- I'm sorry, you could still go.
- No, no, no, I'll stay.

I'll cook for your family.

Thanks. Thank you.

Thanks, sweetie.
You are taking such good care of me.

- When's Lynette getting home?
- As soon as she closes up the pizzeria.

Is that guy Rick helping her?

He better be,
for as much as we're paying him.

I think Lynette likes him.

Well, sure,
he's a nice guy, hard worker.

No, I mean she "likes him" likes him.

What makes you say that?

Just something I noticed.

Well, good night, Daddy.

"Mrs. Susan Hainsworth."
God, I love the sound of that.

Or did you want to keep your name?
I love the sound of that, too.

As long as I get to call you my wife.


You do realize we're going
to be blissfully happy?

It could actually get a bit disgusting.
People might throw fruit.


I'm gonna lock up down here.

Why don't you go upstairs
and warm up the bed?

You do realize we're gonna
be great together, don't you?

I know.

[Mike] Hey, Susan.
I don't mean to bug you.

There's just so much
I didn't get to say.

I'm lousy at goodbyes.

Anyway, you will always be
the best thing that ever happened to me,

and, well, I hope you find
the happiness you deserve.

Bye. Oh, this is Mike.

[machine beeping]

Hey, Susan. I don't mean to bug you.

There's just so much
I didn't get to say.

I'm lousy at goodbyes.

Anyway, you will always be
the best thing that ever happened to me,

and, well, I hope you find
the happiness you deserve.

- Bye. Oh, this is Mike.
- [machine beeping]

Where are you going?

Home... to England.

To England? What's wrong?

Well, it's just...
I don't think this is going to work.


Ten minutes ago we were making plans.

You were saying
how great we were gonna be.

I saw you listening
to that message from Mike.


- Ian, I made my choice.
- But not for the right reasons.

You're trying to honor
a promise you made.

That's not true.

I will get over him.

You've been trying to get over him
as long as I've known you.

Haven't had much luck, have you?

- Ian, I love you.
- I know you do.

But you love him
a little bit more, don't you?

I can't live a life where every time
I see you with a faraway look,

I'll wonder if you're thinking of him.

I'm so sorry.

You deserve to be happy.

And so do I.

Goodbye, Susan.

- Hey, Mrs. McCluskey.
- Lynette.

Well, it turns out our new babysitter
isn't working out too well.

You feel up to another tour of duty?

Are you sure you want the Wisteria Witch
looking after your kids?

My kids know you're not a witch.

Too bad. I could use the leverage.

- We missed you.
- Same here.

I'm gonna need a raise though.
I'm kinda strapped.


I talked to Mrs. McCluskey
and she is gonna start

looking after our kids again.

- That's great.
- Yeah.

Because actually, I have been thinking,

and it is time that I got back to work.

- What?
- Yeah. I'm feeling good.

I'm getting around better.

But the doctor said
your recovery would take months,

and it's only been six weeks.

Well, it's not like
I'm gonna dead-lift a bag of ice,

but I can sprinkle cheese on a pizza.

Besides, I hate making you
run that place by yourself.

- I don't mind.
- Really?

Before you said it was killing you.

Yeah, well, you know, it is,

but I just don't want you
to come back before you're ready.

- You might re-injure yourself.
- I'll be careful.

The best part is, we can finally
get Rick off the books.

Rick? Why would we want to let him go?

Well, I know he's been great, but
his salary's cutting into our profits.

Actually, he is bringing in more than
enough business to cover his salary.

With all those new dishes he's cooking,
he's got a lot of fans out there.

- Does he really?
- Yeah.

I think firing him
would be a huge mistake.

Well, it was just a thought.

Well, don't think so much.
Just rest and get better.

That's what you need to do.

- You gonna be late tonight?
- Probably.

We've got a big party
coming in at 10:00.

So, I'll just see you in the morning.

- I'll be here.
- OK.

Hi, Ida. What's up?

That idiot postman
mixed up our mail again.

Poor Mr. Henley.
He does seem to be getting worse.

- Thanks for stopping by.
- You heard about Mike?

- No. What about him?
- He moved.

Moved? What do you mean?

Mona Clarke was up
at 2:00 in the morning with acid reflux,

and she saw him pack his car
and everything.

That doesn't make sense.

Mike wouldn't leave
without saying goodbye.

Well, he did.

According to Carlos,
something bad happened,

and Mike just wanted
to get the heck out of Dodge.

It's a pity. I always liked him.

[Mary Alice] Gossip.
It's just a harmless form of recreation.

It's careless talk
that deals in polite fiction...

I'd love to be assistant manager,

but apparently you have to flirt
with Mrs. Scavo to get that job.

It's nasty speculation
that's based on not-so-polite fact.

He may be dating Edie,

but everyone can see
he's still in love with Gabby.

How do we protect ourselves from
the venomous sting of such idle gossip?

You the lady
who kept her husband in a freezer?

The best way
is to just tell the truth...

Yep. That's me. Scary, aren't I?

... and wait for people
to start talking about someone else.