Desperate Housewives (2004–2012): Season 3, Episode 18 - Liaisons - full transcript

[Mary Alice]
Previously on Desperate Housewives:

Mike's therapy hit a snag.

- I don't remember!
- Something happened?

Who'd you see it with?

- Probably Susan...
- Why not ask her?

- Mike, it wasn't a movie. That was us.
- What?

The first night we spent together.

I saw you watching us.
We were just talking.

Gabby saw another side of Victor.

I didn't marry an angry woman.
I divorced one.

I set her up in a house,
gave her an allowance.



I came and went as I pleased.

I've known you two weeks.

This is the first glimpse
of a guy I could actually like.

- Tom's back put him out of commission.
- [Lynette sobbing]

- It'll be a while.
- How long?

Three months.

And Edie bared
more than her soul for Carlos.

I'm here, and I'm asking for a chance.

Edie Britt had always
thought of herself as passionate.

Aggressively,

relentlessly,

violently passionate.

Carlos Solis had always
thought of himself as passionate.

Romantically,



spontaneously,

constantly passionate.

So it was natural for Edie and Carlos
to assume that if they ever had sex,

it would be amazing.

And in fact, it was...

Amazingly bad.

- Morning.
- Morning.

So... last night...

Yeah, I know. Wow.

Super wow.

Is that clock right?

Oh, man, I gotta get to work.

Yeah. I gotta get home.

So, uh...
So we should do this again.

Oh, definitely. This week doesn't
seem to be that great. Maybe...

Next week I'm swamped.

Oh. Well, we'll figure something out.

It was at that moment Edie and Carlos
had the exact same thought...

Um...

Thank you.

No. Thank you.

They would definitely
be having sex again...

Just not...

... with each other.

It's so easy to spot the lonely ones.

It wasn't the first time...

They're the people
who tell stories to their plants...

I kinda like him.

... and whisper secrets to their pets.

Come on! Get him of the court!

And have arguments with their TV.

He's running like his feet
are made out of lead!

And the loneliest of all,
are the ones who talk to people.

You know what I think?

People who are no longer there.

Phone's gonna ring any second.

And it's gonna be Lynette
begging me to come over early.

Did I tell you that Tom had
surgery on his back last week?

Yep, that idiot's flat on his ass
while Lynette brings home the bacon.

Again.

I shouldn't judge. Plenty of people
didn't get what I saw in you.

I won't name names... my sister Gayle.

But I always told her that beneath all
the name-calling and the dish-throwing,

we really loved each other.

[phone ringing]

Bet you 50 bucks it's Lynette.

Hello?

You lose, Gilbert.
What's up?

I have to get to the restaurant.

Could you come over and
get the kids off to school?

Why am I seeing pajamas?
Get dressed.

Yeah, they are ready to go.
So what do you say?

Oh, great. Thanks.
I owe you big time. OK, bye.

All right. I'm heading out of here.
Wish me luck.

More interviews?

Yeah, but don't worry, I'm gonna find
the assistant manager of your dreams.

You sure? Because the last ten
r?sum?s you showed me...

Yeah, I know, I know. Bottom of
the barrel, convicts and losers.

You're clear about that.

Make sure they know
how to wrangle the employees.

Like Kim, she never buses her tables.

- I told you that.
- Oh, you're right.

Hey, honey, I had an idea about
the specials for today...

Goat cheese and mushrooms.

Oh, for God's sake, Tom!

I'm gonna be late for the interviews.
I should go.

Honey, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I know I am driving you crazy.

It's just that I'm feeling
guilty laying here,

totally worthless, while you
run the restaurant and the house.

It's OK. I am gonna find a way to make
this all work. And you just get better.

- [doorbell rings]
- Oh, Mrs. McCluskey, perfect timing.

Make sure you have your cell phone.

While you're interviewing,
I'll call, you can conference me in.

That is a great idea.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Tom's gonna ask you to look for this.

You will not find it.

Great. Love you.

Here's your beer.

Oh, good job, chipmunk.
No foam this time.

I tipped the glass
just like you told me to.

I think someone's ready to salt
his first margarita glass.

Mommy, do you have
trouble going to sleep?

No.

Why do you ask?

I heard Carlos say you were bad in bed.

What?

Why'd he say that?
Do you have nightmares?

OK, sweetie, I need you to focus.

What exactly did Carlos say,
and who did he say it to?

I went to get my soccer ball
from his yard.

He was on the phone talking to someone.

So what does "bad in bed" mean?

Oh, it means you're
not good at making...

...your bed.

Mommy doesn't like people
saying she can't make a bed.

Because, trust me, nobody makes a bed
as good as your mommy.

If you want, I can tell people
you're good in bed.

[nervous laugh]
No, no, no. That's fine, sweetie.

If you want to help Mommy, just um...

...top off her breakfast.

Susan, I'm by the orange stand,
where are you?

Cheese stand?

I don't mind you going back
for free samples, but if you like it

why not just buy some?

Yes, of course, you're right.
It always tastes better when it's free.

OK then, please hurry.

Oh. Hello.

Hey.

Boy, you're everywhere these days.

- Excuse me?
- Yesterday, Susan and I ran into you

at the post office.
Last week, the movies.

One might think you're following us.

Trust me, "one" has better
things to do than follow you around.

And yet here you are... again.

Ian, Fairview is a small town.

You want distance? Move to the city.

You've been awfully quiet since
we left the market. Is everything OK?

Um, well, since you asked,
I'm having some problems at work.

Really?

Yes, we're in the midst
of some corporate restructuring.

I'm going to have to
spend more time in London.

Oh.

OK.

And, I was thinking,
maybe you and I should just... relocate.

- To London? Permanently?
- I know it's sudden...

Yeah, it's sudden!

My whole life is here, my friends...
Julie is still in school.

- Susan!
- [gasping]

Oh, my God! Are you OK?

I'm fine. I'm fine.

OK. I can feel the car sinking.
We're gonna have to get to shore.

Ian?

How deep do you think this water is?

- Deep enough. Come on, let's move!
- Susan...

I can't swim.

What? You...
You said you played water polo.

I said polo! With horses!

How can you not know how to swim?
Didn't you go to summer camp?

I stayed in the canoe! Let it go!

OK, don't panic.

Just grab onto my neck
and I'll swim for both of us.

I'm twice your size! We might drown!

Let's just stay here
and think of something else.

If you stay here,
you'll definitely drown!

See how my plan is better?

Look, there's somebody on the shore!

- It's Mike! He's here!
- Of course he is.

Mike!

OK, OK, OK!
I can walk from here!

Sorry. You were just
gripping me so tight.

Oh, my God.
Mike, you saved our lives.

And our cheese!

Ian, can you believe it?
Mike saved our cheese!

Yes. He's quite the hero.

Yeah. Good thing I was following you.

Arnie, thanks for coming in.

We will definitely keep you in mind.

OK... OK.

Come on!
What was wrong with that guy?

He kept asking what we do
with the food people don't eat.

All right, so he's a fat loser.

Who'd you expect to get
for $8.50 an hour?

That's what we pay you,
and you seem happy.

Well, that's because
I'm doing the beer delivery guy.

OK. My fault for asking.

Uh... Rick Coletti?

- That's me.
- Oh, great, come on over.

Your application?

One second.

That's been bothering me. Sorry.

No, it's great, you can spell.
You are now officially the front-runner.

Yeah, my grandma
came over from Naples.

Been making calzones
since before you were born.

How old do you think I am?

Thirty? Thirty-one?

Not afraid to shamelessly ass-kiss.
You're doing very well.

Great. Wanna skip to
the part where you hire me?

Well, I should probably
take a look at your application first.

OK.

Don't be afraid if you
don't have experience.

I realize for what we're paying,
we're not exactly gonna get a... Whoa!

You were the sous-chef at Cucina?

- Yeah.
- That's a five-star-restaurant.

- Actually, four.
- Which is four more than we have.

Yeah, but this place has character
and charm, and a beautiful owner.

[chuckling]

Yeah, but seriously,

why would a four-star chef
wanna slum at a pizza joint?

Mrs. McCluskey!
Mrs. McCluskey!

I'm right here.
Keep your shirt on.

I need another pill. And please
tell the kids to turn down the TV.

I yell, they turn it down. I walk away,
they turn it up. Vicious circle.

Surely you can control five little kids.

- Can I beat 'em?
- No.

Then my hands are tied.

Hi, I'm home. And I've got good news.
I found a new manager.

- That's terrific.
- Yeah.

His name is Rick Coletti
and he was a sous-chef at Cucina.

Cucina? Why does he want
to work at our place?

Yeah, I had that exact same thought.
And to be honest, he has a history.

History?

You know how stressful it is
at a four-star-restaurant.

He, like many chefs,
started using cocaine to...

- Oh, no, no, no. No way.
- He's been clean for a year.

We're not the Betty Ford clinic.

But I've got a good feeling
about this guy.

All he wants is a fresh start.

I am not gonna hire a junkie
who's gonna turn around

and then hock our jukebox
just to feed his habit.

- No, find somebody else.
- I can't find somebody else.

I've interviewed 50 guys, and
this "junkie" happens to be the best.

Seriously, I don't know
how much longer I can...

Can we just talk about this later?
I'm in a lot of pain.

I'm sorry.

Please just do what I am asking.

Fine. I'II, uh, keep looking.

Jerk.

I had a good time tonight.
Who knew you could dance?

It's one of my hidden talents.

Invite me in.
I'll show you another.

Not tonight, thanks.

You'd tango with a man,
and not have sex with him?

That's actually against
the law in Argentina.

Come on, we both know
it's gonna happen eventually.

And every time you say that,
"eventually" gets a little further away.

Stop begging
or I'm not going to your rally.

OK, fine. I can be patient.

Far as I'm concerned,
the chase is half the fun.

Half the fun?
Oh, honey, if I ever do say yes...

...you're gonna adjust
that percentage way down.

You can't possibly
be eating more cheese.

What, you've never heard
of a midnight snack?

Unless you can think
of something else that I can nibble on.

Slide over, you cheddar-breathed tease.

[both laughing]

- Oh, what's that?
- It's a thank you gift for Mike.

Correct me if I'm wrong,
but didn't we thank him at the shore,

and when he dropped us off?

I don't think you can thank somebody
too many times for saving your life.

I wish you'd stop saying that.

- What?
- That he saved my life.

I could've survived without his help.

If anybody did
any life-saving, it was me.

- You?
- Yes.

If I hadn't warned you,
it would've gone through the windshield

and ended up with
an antler in your brain.

Oh.

Um...

OK.

- That's a good point.
- Thank you.

But we were in a bit of a jam there,

and I don't think you should be
embarrassed for needing a little help.

I'm not embarrassed.
I don't feel emasculated either.

Emasculated? Who said emasculated?
And why are you not kissing me now?

I'm ready when you are.

OK.

I guess we're cutting
right to the... Whoa. Wow.

Don't worry. It happens to everybody.

- Maybe it would help to talk about it.
- No. I don't want to talk about it.

All right. We won't talk about it.

Want some cheese?

Hey, how are you?

I'm good. You might not think so,
but I am good.

Huh?

Where in the hell do you get off
telling people that I am bad in bed?

- I never said that!
- Travers heard you on the phone.

OK, I'm sorry.
I was talking to my cousin in Tucson.

We always trade bad date stories.

[gasping]

And to think that I went
out of my way to spare your feelings.

- What's that supposed to mean?
- Think you were bored?

I've had more thrills
leaning up against my dryer.

Then what was all that moaning?

I was in pain!
You were smashing my breasts.

Oh, come on.

You hunkered down on me like
you were hiding from border patrol.

I was tired! You laid there
while I did all the work.

When we were done,
I felt like I should deflate you.

Yeah, well, sex is like tennis.

When you play an inferior opponent,
your game suffers.

Are you challenging me to a rematch?

- Maybe.
- So you want to do it again?

If it'll shut you up.

Yeah, I'll fall on that grenade.

Oh, there's gonna be
an explosion. Come on.

- [grunting]
- Ow!

Ahh!

[screaming]

I'm prescribing
a mild painkiller for your back.

And I will see you in a week
to remove those stitches.

Great.

So how'd you folks get so banged up?
Car accident?

Bad sex.

Really bad.

OK.

Thanks.

God, what a disaster.

Oh, I don't know.
Maybe it's for the best.

How so?

Well, we got it out of our system.
Now we can go back to being friends.

I mean, we like hanging out,
and Travers adores you.

Yeah, and I wouldn't want to ruin that.

Still, it doesn't make any sense.

Oh, I know. I'm hot, you're hot.

On paper, we should be having great sex.

Well, we could always try again.

Yeah, me neither.

Yes, this town is hungry for change.

When Gabrielle agreed to attend
Victor Lang's campaign rally,

she was fully prepared to be bored.

I give you the next mayor
of Fairview, Victor Lang!

[crowd cheering]

But when Victor took the stage,

Gabrielle found herself
strangely enthralled.

Perhaps it was the cheers
that greeted his arrival.

Perhaps it was the
confidence he exuded.

Or perhaps it was the effect
he had on the citizens of Fairview.

Whatever the reason,
Gabby decided,

not only did Victor Lang
have her vote...

Thank you.

... it was time to
make a campaign contribution.

Sorry. Excuse me, excuse me. Sorry.

I'm afraid Mr. Lang has to take
an important meeting in his limo.

Now.

To the radio station, Clyde.

- So what's this all about?
- Your speech. I liked it.

Seriously? Here? Now?

Well, you laid out all your positions.

Don't you want to
get acquainted with mine?

Clyde, could you put up the partition?

- Yes, sir. Anything else?
- Music. Loud music.

[Grateful Dead: Good Lovin']

Mrs. McCluskey!
It has been ten minutes.

- Where's my pie?
- I'm unloading the dishwasher.

You'll get your damn pie when I'm done.

Mrs. McCluskey!

I want my pie now.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, you heard me.

Your being here isn't charity.
We pay you good money to help us.

So when I ask you to do something,
I want it done.

Well, here's a surprise for you: I quit.

What? What? Why? Why?
What happened?

Five kids are tough enough,
but your husband makes six.

- And that's where I draw the line.
- I know Tom has been a little cranky...

No, I'm cranky. He's insufferable.
I hate to admit this, Lynette,

but every time that man screams
out in pain, I do a little jig inside.

Look, I'll talk to Tom...

- My mind's made up.
- Wait, wait! Please!

Don't do this.
I am at the end of my rope.

I wish I could help you, Lynette.
I can see that you're going down,

but I'm just too old
to get dragged down with you.

[children laughing and screaming]

OK, everybody, go on up to bed.
Parker, you got the baby.

Yeah, that's exactly right.
You know what to do.

Before you speak, just know
that ever since McCluskey left,

I've been lying here feeling
like the biggest jerk ever.

Tomorrow morning
I am gonna call her and apologize.

I will fix this.

Well, you might also want to apologize

to the customer
who found a Lego in her pizza.

Oh, God, did the kids do that?

I hope.

Oh, God, it was so awful tonight.

Oh, honey.
You know what you need?

What?

A seeing to.

Once the kids are asleep,

slip on that sexy blue thing
and then sneak back down here.

You want to have sex?

But you're immobile.

OK, maybe full-on sex
is a little ambitious,

but there's other stuff
that we could do.

But you can't bend at the waist,

and that pretty much
leaves the heavy lifting to me.

Trust me,
if you get us to the finish line,

I will cross it.

Ew!

Is that why you apologized,
just so I'd service you?

Honey, I have been trapped in this bed
all day long. I'm bored, I'm miserable.

Can't you do this
one little thing for me?

I have been doing everything
I can to keep our heads above water.

I can't do you too.

For Gabrielle, the best part
of having sex with a new man

was seeing how quickly
his affection would turn to obsession.

[machine beeps] No messages.

But when Victor failed
to call the next morning...

[machine beeps] No messages.

... or the next afternoon...

[machine beeps] No messages.

... it was Gabrielle
who began obsessing.

Not a peep, in 24 hours!

He's busy. Isn't he
debating the mayor tonight?

I don't care!
He can find two lousy minutes!

I'm here. Deal me in.

Sorry, no poker today.
Lynette had to work. Want a margarita?

Well, I'd like three,
but I'll start with one.

Ms. Solis? Sorry to interrupt.
You have any water?

Yeah, in the fridge.

Who is that?

And why don't you put
your water on a lower shelf?

Thank you.

That's Toby.
He's fixing my closet.

Has your cocky boyfriend
gotten a load of the help?

- Move away from that topic.
- We had sex yesterday, in his limo...

Oh, I love limo sex.
Town car or stretch?

Stretch, of course.
I'm not a complete slut.

The point is, he hasn't called since.

- Oh.
- So how was the sex?

Fantastic. As good as with Carlos.

That good, huh?

God. I'm such an idiot. I gave it up way
too fast. Now I've lost all the power.

Oh, come on.

No, I'm serious.
Our mothers had the right idea.

They let men think
they were the ones who needed sex

and women just went along as a favor.

Men begged for every crumb,
and we never lost the upper hand.

Yeah, no guy respects an easy conquest.
I make all my men wait.

It's true. She has a little room
with magazines and an aquarium.

I have so missed our friendship.

I think if you really like this guy,
you should just be honest.

Tell him that you feel a little hurt...

Yeah, whining is really
gonna bring him to his knees.

You want to get this guy back in line?

You hit him hard, hit him fast.
Is he the jealous type?

Aren't they all?

So what should I do to make him jealous?

I got the shelves up.

Anything else?

My opponent thinks
we should combat prostitution

by mounting surveillance cameras
to embarrass the customers.

I call that a blatant violation
of our citizens' privacy.

If you're worried about privacy,
wear a hat,

keep your head down
and you'll be fine.

[laughter]

[man] OK, thank you
very much, gentlemen.

So let's move on to our next subject.

You both have said
our citizens pay too much in taxes.

How would you attract new businesses
to boost the city's tax base?

Mr. Lang?

Mr. Lang?

I'm sorry, would you, uh,
repeat the question, please?

How would you bring
new business to Fairview?

I would, uh...

...offer tax exemptions
to first year start-ups.

And that will increase our tax base?

No, of course not. Not at first,
but when conjoined with...

My opponent seems
a bit overtaxed himself.

[laughter]

Gentlemen, there's been much talk
lately regarding our local schools.

What would you do
to improve public education?

Mr. Lang?

Here you go. Sorry for the wait.

- Miss? Please?
- I will be right there.

Oh, my God, Mrs. Scavo,
I am so sorry.

- Don't cry. Just clean.
- Miss, if you...

I swear, I will be there in one second.

Here you go. Here. Yeah?

Let me guess... This a bad time?

Oh, my God, Rick.
I never got back to you. I am so sorry.

That's OK. I didn't mind waiting,
so long as it's good news for me now.

Look, I think you're great,
and we would be lucky to have you.

It's just my husband
isn't really comfortable...

With an ex-drug addict in his kitchen.

You can drug test me every week.
Anything you want.

Just... I really need this job.

- Miss!
- Could you excuse me a second?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. What's up?

- I hate my calzone.
- Oh? What's wrong with it?

It's just not good,
and I want a new one.

I will put your order in,
but the kitchen's a little backed up.

Not my problem.
You gave me a sucky calzone.

I don't care if you have to
go back there and make it yourself!

I can't do this.

It's just...

What is this?

I'll make you a new calzone, sir.

Fresh basil, garlic.
You like sun dried tomatoes?

Yeah, sounds good.

Hey, is she all right?

It's her grandma's calzone recipe.
She takes criticism very personally.

Prep some dough for a calzone for me,
and get someone to chop some basil.

Yeah, OK. Who are you?

- I'm Rick.
- You work here now?

Looks like I do.

Oh, is that new?

I just bought it. But if you don't
like it, feel free to rip it off me.

[chuckling]

I have this book proposal
to discuss at an 8 AM meeting,

so I can't really...

Oh, that's OK.
If you gotta work, you gotta work.

So I was thinking about London.

Oh?

Yeah. Julie's gonna be
applying to colleges soon,

and a year abroad
could give her a real boost.

- So... let's do it.
- Are you serious?

Yes. I want to spend time in your world.

I want to play cricket,
I want to eat crumpets

and I want to use the word "ghastly".

God, Susan, you have no idea
how excited this makes me feel.

Well, my thigh's getting an inkling.

Call a realtor first thing tomorrow
and put our houses on the market.

Not mine, OK?
We can use it when we visit.

That's what hotels are for, darling.

I don't want to sell my house.
Everybody I love is on this street.

- What happened?
- I'm feeling tired.

- You weren't tired a second ago.
- I'm not in the mood, all right?

Why not?

You know, I'm not used to
being grilled about my sex drive.

Well, I'm not used to guys
bailing on me in the middle of foreplay.

And by guys, of course, you mean Mike.

What?

Oh, I'm sure good old Mike
was ready and able, 24l7.

You're not actually...

Oh, OK. That's it.

- I've had it!
- Susan!

Really! I can't have
this conversation one more time!

I've done nothing but prove
my love to you for the last year,

and you cannot shut up about Mike!

I don't trust the man!

You don't have to trust Mike!
You have to trust me and you don't!

That's what going
to England's about, isn't it?

You're just trying to get me away
from Mike. You know what, screw it!

I'm not going! And if you ever bring
up his name again, we're over!

Got it? Over!

Hi. This is from me and Ian.

An electric juicer?

Yeah, well, you know,
you try to think of a more appropriate

"Thank you for saving my life" gift.

This works fine for me.

Good.

I should go.

You OK?

Yeah... I'm good.

You sure about that?

Yeah.

Yeah, it's just...

Ian and I had a little... thing.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Ian, about what I said...

You were right. You've never
given me a reason to doubt you.

I'm an insecure idiot.

I don't deserve you, Susan. But if
you'll please keep pretending that I do,

I swear, I will not utter a single
jealous word for the rest of our lives.

[Victor] Gabby, what were you thinking?
That stunt almost cost me the debate...

[Victor] It's me again. OK, I get it.

I forgot to call, and you were mad.
But still...

[Victor] Hi, I hope you got the flowers.

Again, I'm so sorry for not calling.

[Victor] Gabby, come on, what's it gonna
take for you to forgive me?

I'll do anything you want.

[doorbell rings]

I brought you some flowers. In case
the other three bouquets get lonely.

Thank you. You can go now.

Don't want to take
any more time out of your schedule.

How many times
do I have to say I'm sorry?

I was thoughtless and inconsiderate.

- Yes.
- But what you did was vicious.

- Trying to get your attention.
- By humiliating me?

Hey, you hurt me. If I have
to strike back to protect myself...

That's what you think this is, combat?

I have been taken for granted,
I'm not going to let it happen again.

If I'm going to give myself to you,
you better worship me!

And I will do that.
Morning and evening services.

Good.

You have to stop treating this like it's
a boxing match only one of us can win.

Maybe you haven't noticed,
but I'm in love with you.

It would be nice if you'd
take the gloves off and trust me.

You're in love with me?

Yeah.

My campaign, that's about winning.

This, you and me, it's about happiness.

And we could both use a little.

But maybe you need
time to think about it.

Look, no gloves.

Travers conked out
the moment his head hit the pillow.

Poor little guy was beat.

Well, he should be.
We covered every inch of that zoo.

Oh, check this out.
You and Travers at the monkey house.

Oh, I look squinty. Delete, delete!

There's the one the pretzel guy took.

Oh, look at the three of us.
You have to e-mail me that one.

Isn't that great?

You know, he thought
that Travers had my eyes.

- Seriously?
- He totally thought we were a family.

Oh, well, if we were, we'd be
one hell of a good-Iooking one.

Yeah. Nothing better than family.

Oh, wow.

And this time I really mean it.

Yeah... Me, too.

[giggling]

Well, are you gonna say anything?

To be honest,
I've heard better apologies.

But I know how hard this must have been
for you, and that makes me happy.

So I accept.

Thanks. That's big of you.

And it's big of you to admit you're
a chucklehead. I'll see you tomorrow.

Did you hear that, Gilbert?
He apologized.

I mean, I know he did it
just for her sake, but still.

Maybe they have a
good marriage after all.

But they'll never have what we had.
Will they, Gilbert?

Not by a long shot.

[Mary Alice] Passion.

It's a force so potent we still
remember it long after it's faded away.

A drive so alluring,

it can push us into the arms
of unexpected lovers.

A sensation so overwhelming,

it can knock down walls
we've built to protect our hearts.

A feeling so intense,

it resurfaces even though
we tried so hard to keep it buried.

Yes, of all emotions,

passion is the one
that gives us a reason to live...

... and an excuse to commit
all sorts of crimes.