Desperate Housewives (2004–2012): Season 3, Episode 16 - My Husband, the Pig - full transcript

In narration, Bree's deceased husband gives his own account of what's going on in the neighborhood and how he feels about it.

[Mary Alice] Previously
on Desperate Housewives:

Mike's plan to propose to Susan...

- These don't belong to Jane.
- Mike Delfino.

... was a surprise to Ian.

Monique was murdered.

- There's been an accident.
- And Orson...

- Don't forget your wrench.
- ... passed the blame.

A connection was made.

[clears throat]

A heart was broken.
And Bree buried her husband Rex.

[Rex] My name is Rex Van de Kamp.

I always hated cemeteries
when I was alive.

Now that I'm dead, I like 'em even less.

Here's where I used to live.
A whole lot nicer, don't you think?

The place hasn't
changed much since I left.

As tasteful and tidy as ever.

Everything perfect...
at least, on the surface.

My family was the same way.

Look at us.

You'd never guess how ticked off
we all were the day this was taken.

But that was the thing
about us Van de Kamps.

To really fit in, you had to have
a smile that gave away nothing.

Like my son Andrew.

To look at him you'd never know
he spent six months on the streets,

supporting himself
with panhandling and light prostitution.

Or my daughter Danielle.

Does she look like the kind of girl

who'd seduce her
middle-aged history teacher?

I mean, they're my kids and I love 'em,
but I'm pretty darn relieved to be dead.

Here's the clown Bree
replaced me with: Orson.

I don't mind saying, he's creeped
me out right from the get go.

To me, he always has
the shifty look of a guy

who knows where the bodies are buried.

And he should know... he buried them.

But Bree thinks he's Sir Galahad.

The kids like him...

And all my friends... now his friends.

So it pleases me to know
at least one of my old neighbors

sees right through the guy.

Mike, you, uh...
You just missed Bree.

She's off to see her folks,
then we're finally taking our honeymoon.

Yeah, not a bad time
for you to leave town, is it?

Well, I don't follow you.

I just keep thinking about that night
at Monique's place.

How you made sure I left with my wrench,
the one with her blood on it.

Well, it was your wrench.

Why are you rehashing this?

My ex-wife confessed
in her suicide note, the case is closed.

Maybe it shouldn't be.

What do you think the police would say
if they knew you were there that night?

What do you think they'd say
if they knew you threw me off a roof?

Oh, Mike.

We could make
so much trouble for each other.

Or we can forget what we think we know
and be good neighbors.

Your call.

[Rex] No, Orson Hodge isn't exactly the
guy I'd have picked to head my family.

But I'll give him one thing...

... he's got the smile down cold.

[Rex] Take a drive down
any street in suburbia.

Know what you're gonna see?

Desperate women.

That's right.
One unhappy housewife after another.

Each completely miserable...

... in her own unique way.

But I don't want to talk about them.

No, I want to talk about their men.

And what happens to a guy

when that special lady
in his life starts to lose it.

[door slams]

Like my friend Carlos.

He used to have it all.

Hot wife, tons of dough. Then bam!

She gets a divorce
and he gets stuck with the bill.

But does he sit around and complain
like your average hausfrau?

No, sir.

He finds creative ways to get
what you can out of life.

- Hey, where you off to?
- The hospital called.

Found the stuff I had on me
the night of the accident.

Wow. Coma, murder rap.
You've had a tough year, buddy.

You know what you need?
Some pampering.

Tomorrow you're
checking into a nice hotel.

Room service, Jacuzzi... my treat.

- You trying to get me out of the house?
- Mike, why would I?

- OK, there's this girl.
- I knew it.

Dude, she's a dancer.

If her online profile is any indication,
she's a freak.

- We're talking serious daddy issues.
- I'll stay in my room.

- You'll never hear me.
- Yeah, but you'll hear me.

I'm kind of exuberant by nature.

When I haven't had it in a while,
I do this shrieking thing...

OK, all right, I'll go.
Just stop talking.

Thanks! Wouldn't want it to put
a weird spin on our friendship.

Too late.

[Rex] This is my friend Tom.

Have you heard
what he's been up to lately?

The silly bastard opened up
his own pizza place.

He thought that if he was his own boss,
he could sleep in as late as he wanted.

But the problem with that logic
is that married guys...

Hey, it's after nine.
Come on, Tomasino, it's time to get up.

... are never their own boss.

- Are you as tired as I am?
- More.

But I'm tougher,
and I complain less.

Not when you give birth.
And you do that a lot.

- Oh, yeah?
- Ow.

Before I forget, you got a call
from Chez Nous

confirming your reservation
for our anniversary.

[scoffs] You heard?
I wanted that to be a surprise.

We've been going
for the last seven years.

It's not exactly a surprise.

Anyway, I hope you don't mind,
but I canceled.

You canceled? Why?

Honestly, I just don't feel
up to going out this year.

But it's our anniversary.
It's our ninth anniversary.

Come on, the big nine.

That's a year longer than my mom
said we would be married.

Come on, we gotta party down.

[sighs] I'm exhausted. Honestly.

All I want to do is pawn the kids off
on somebody else, take a long bath,

- and be in bed by eight.
- OK.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Hold it. What about my sex?

I always get sex on our anniversary.

We can still have sex.
Just try not to wake me.

[Rex] This is Ian.

Don't really know the guy,
but Susan Mayer seems to like him.

The other night he surprised her
with a proposal.

She said yes,
but he's still a little skittish...

... about the competition.

But Ian knows that if love is war...

Hey. Where were you
off to so early this morning?

[Rex]... sometimes you gotta
bring out the big artillery.

I should've had it when I proposed.
It's not very good form, I know.

[laughs] Ian, oh, you can't be serious!

Oh, that's just too much! It's huge!

- Well, we could go smaller.
- No one's saying smaller!

No, that's crazy talk. [laughs]

Rock me.

Oh! Oh, my God!
Oh, it's so beautiful!

Oh, oh! OK, OK, nobody move!

I got it!

I knew I should have
measured your finger.

- It's OK. I can get it resized.
- Go to the jeweler's now.

When you get back, we can go and
look at some places for the reception.

- Reception?
- Hoping we'd pull this next month.

- What's the rush? Am I pregnant?
- Of course not.

I just... I just can't wait
to be married to you.

Are you sure?
Because you seem a little anxious.

[scoffs] What would I have
to be anxious about?

[phone rings]

Sorry for the mix-up.
If you could sign right here.

I don't remember this.
Are you sure that's mine?

It was on you the night
you were admitted.

I got hit by a car. I don't remember
anything about that night.

Well, it looks like you were
going to propose to someone.

"Susan, be mine forever. Mike."

Does that ring a bell?

It sure does.

Hey, Carlos!


I have a little visitor that I thought
you might get a kick out of seeing.

Remember my little boy?

Hey! Travers!
How're you doing? Put her there!

I'm Carlos Solis. You came by
my house one time trick-or-treating.

I remember.
You gave me a protein bar.


Sorry. My wife forgot to buy candy.

Hey! Is that football I hear?
Go on, check it out.

I didn't know your son
was coming for a visit.

Neither did I.

His, uh, father just dumped him here
for four weeks so he could jet off

with his Doctors Without Borders buddies
and fix cleft palates in Kenya.

Selfish son of a bitch.

Come on, you barely ever see him.
It'll be fun. A chance to bond.

Yeah, that's true. But, um,
I have this major party tonight,

and I was wondering if, maybe, you could
just keep an eye on him for a few hours.

- Sorry, I can't tonight.
- Oh, come on! You love kids!

Didn't you rent that Chinese chick
so that you could have one of your own?

I have a date too. A chick so hot
I had to turn off the smoke alarms.

Fine. Travers, come on, let's go.

This isn't a child-friendly house.

Bye, Travers.


Good to see you.

- Wow. She's a looker.
- I'll say.

- Hey, what time's that fund-raiser?
- You got an hour.

Well, then, let's have a little fun.

[gasps] Look what you did!

Don't yell at me.
I'm just the passenger.

Well, your driver's an idiot.

Hey, it's not Clyde's fault. What man
wouldn't be distracted by such beauty?

Now you're hitting on me?

I was talking about the car.

Well, good, I'm glad you like it,
because you're gonna pay to fix this.

Of course.
Will five thousand cover it?


Well, sure, I guess.

Rather not file an insurance claim.

My opponent could find out
and try to make me look bad.


I guess you don't read the papers.
I'm running for mayor.

My name's Victor Lang.
And I hope I can count on your vote.

I think I'd rather vote
for the other guy.

You know, the one
who didn't wreck my car.

You're off your game.
Didn't even get a phone number.

Oh, don't worry,
I'll be seeing her again.

- How can you be so sure?
- I didn't sign the check.

- What the hell are you doing?
- We need to talk.

- No! Get out!
- Please. You won't return my calls!

I've been busy. Plus, my mom
caught you naked on top of my friend.

Just read this.

If you still don't want to talk to me,
then I'll never bother you again.

Fine, I'll read it. But only
if you get out of the car now.

- Now? But the hot wax is starting.
- I know.

- Tick-tock.
- Uh...


You're still in there?

How long does it take
to pluck that unibrow?

- [Danielle] Leave me alone!
- I have to be at work in ten minutes.

Now, can I please just come in
and brush my teeth?

I'm having a really bad day,
all right? Just go away!

I'm gonna have a really bad day, too!

I tend not to get tipped
when my breath stinks!

I'm pregnant.

Mike. What are you doing here?

Oh, hey, um... I'm just
selling some old jewelry.

Spoke to my manager. There's gonna be
a charge to remove the inscription,

but we can refund you
for the engagement ring.

That'll be fine.

Was that the ring you bought for...?


[woman] Can I help you?

Uh, yeah, I have to get this sized.
It's a little loose.

- Do you know your size?
- No.

Congratulations, by the way.

- Ian seems great.
- Thanks.

I can't find my sizer.
Um, here, try this one.

Oh, no! That...

How's that fit?

- It's perfect.
- Great.

- Can I have it back now?
- Oh. Sorry.

Hey, you've got a cousin
in the limo business, don't you?

I have a cousin in the "limo as
a front for prostitution" business.

He's in jail. Why do you ask?

Oh, I'm just planning a big thing
for my anniversary.

Aren't you gonna go to
Chez Boring like every year?

No. Lynette's so over that,
she was ready to bag the whole night.

So it got me thinking.

For nine years,
it's time to shake things up.

Now I'm planning the greatest
anniversary of all time.

Check this out.

Lynette's gonna open the door to find
a driver with a dozen roses and a card.

The card is gonna tell her to go
with the guy and not ask any questions.

He'll drive her out to the country,
drop her off, then drive away.

Just as she is starting to freak out,
I show up in a horse-drawn carriage,

which takes us up to Whitman's Bluff
where we eat a catered dinner

and listen to a professional violinist.

Afterwards, when we come home,

I'm sure Lynette
will think of a way to thank me.

- You are one romantic son of a bitch.
- Hoo-hoo! I have my moments.

Of course I'm not questioning
Mayor Johnson's family values.

They're what prompted him
to put his sister's brother-in-law

and six of his cousins
on the city payroll.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have to cut this interview short.

I have some very important
business to attend to.

Ms. Solis, what a nice surprise.

Are you here to make
a contribution to my campaign?

Not exactly.

Oh, no. Did I forget to sign?

I'm so sorry. Let me make it up to you.

I'll take you to dinner. My treat.

It would be your treat.
I'm a hot date. What's in it for me?

Well, I have an ingratiating wit
and a trustworthy smile,

- according to the Plainview Herald.
- Yeah. Check, please.

My family also owns Lang Enterprises.

Dad's worth a few hundred mill.

Well, a girl's gotta eat.

Great, I'll take us to Cucina.
There's no place harder to get into.

That's what you think.

Mike, this is completely unnecessary.

My paying for your lawyer
was a favor, it wasn't a loan.

I appreciate it.
I don't like to owe anybody.

I just don't want you to have
any trouble getting back on your feet.

No, it's fine. I had a windfall.

Hospital gave me back an
engagement ring I didn't know I had.

Oh, really? So you sold it?

You should've kept it
till the right girl comes along.

Well, I couldn't give this ring
to just anyone.

Oh, right. The... The inscription.

How'd you know it was inscribed?

Well, isn't that the custom?
I just assumed it was.

Well, listen, uh,
I have got to get some fresh rags.

Thanks for the check.
I'll see you around.

Oh, you can count on it.

- Are you sure?
- Yes. I peed on five different sticks.

Would you put that burrito away?
It's making me nauseous.

Join the club. I know your parents
are religious, but I know this clinic...

- Absolutely not.
- What other choice do we have?

Well, gee, you could, like, marry me!

Marry you? I can't stand you.

Oh, nice way to talk
to the mother of your child.

Oh, God.


- Hey.
- Julie. Hi.

- Uh, hey...
- Your door was open.

- Can I come in?
- Uh, what are you doing here?

I read your letter.

I had no idea it would be so sweet.

I could really tell
it came from your heart.

I'm embarrassed to admit, I cried.

[Danielle gagging]

Uh... My Aunt Edie sort of
tied one on last night.


Anyway, I guess
what I'm saying is... OK.


- We can try again.
- Julie, that's great.

And I wanna talk about this, but I just
kinda need to take care of my aunt.

- Can I call you tomorrow?
- Sure.

We're going to have to take things slow.

Because it'll be a while
before I can trust you again.

- [Danielle gags]
- I understand.

Thank you, Bruno.
The veal was excellent.

- Feel like dessert?
- No, thank you. I'm stuffed.

Then let me propose a toast.

To a delightful evening, and to the
happy accident that brought us together.

[laughs] Victor.
You are so full of crap.

- What?
- There was no accident.

I know you told your chauffeur
to ram my car.

Why would I do that?

For the same reason
you "forgot" to sign the check.

You've been working me
since the second we met,

and I've been on to you
every step of the way.

- [laughs]
- What? What's so funny?

I just called you a manipulative jerk.

I think I underestimated you.

I also think this relationship
got a lot more interesting.

There is no relationship.
This is our last date.

You didn't have any fun?

It was OK.
You know, you told a few good jokes.

You're sort of charming,
you're not bad-Iooking.

- I just think I can do better.
- Have you not noticed, I'm a catch?

I have noticed,
and I'm throwing you back.

Gabby, let me tell you something.

For my whole life,
whenever I've truly wanted something,

I've always gotten it.

And tonight, right around the time you
were calling me a manipulative jerk,

I decided I truly want you.

So brace yourself, the chase is on.

You can chase me all you want,
but trust me,

I'm way too fast for you.

Bruno... I'm going to marry that girl.

- [laughing]
- Can I just say something?

You're way hotter than your profile.

So many guys say that.


- What's wrong?
- My friend's kid is out there.

Oh. Hey, I got an idea,
let's go upstairs.

I should warn you, my therapist says
I'm sexually compulsive.

This could take hours.

Whatever your issues are,
we will work them out together.

[ball bouncing]

It's almost eleven.
What is he doing out there by himself?

I'm sure his folks know he's out there.

Now relax.

I'm so sorry.
I'll be right back. I promise.

What are you doing out here?

- Where's your mom?
- She had to go visit a sick friend.

Come on.

No way. I didn't come over here
to baby-sit some little brat!

- He can hear you.
- I don't care!

Look, his mother's
bound to be home soon, all right?

Then we can pick up where we left off.

Forget it.
I am officially no longer in the mood.

Sorry I ruined your date.

That's OK.

She was a very bad lady who wanted
to do very, very bad things to me.

Night, Raoul!

Where the hell have you been?

Oh, I, uh... ducked out.
Just for an hour.

Funny. I found Travers
wandering the streets three hours ago.

Look, he was fine when I left.
I just didn't know he'd go outside.

Never know what
an eight-year-old's gonna do.

- That's why you supervise them.
- You don't get to judge me.

You don't have a kid.

Well, if I did, I'd treat him
a hell of a lot better than you do.

Thank God he lives with his father.

I mean, come on!
What kind of mother are you?

If you are done lecturing me,
I would like my son now.

He's asleep.

Come and get him in the morning...

...when you're sober.


Hey, buddy!
Your mom's here for you!

I know you think I'm a terrible person.

I never said that.

Terrible mother, terrible person.
It's the same thing.

Because no matter what else she does,

if a woman isn't a good mother,
she's a failure, right?

Look, um, when I had Travers,

I, uh, I knew I was in over my head.

And when Charles and I split,

I... I gave him custody...

...because I wanted my son
to have the best life possible.

And that doesn't make me a good mother,

but I like to think
it makes me a realistic one.

[footsteps on stairs]

- Hey, Mom!
- Hey, champ!

- I missed you!
- I missed you, too.

Guess what.

I've got so many fun things
for you to do today.

- Cool!
- Yeah.

- Thanks for the ice cream.
- My pleasure.

I'll see you, little man. Hey.

- Travers said he's staying a month.
- Yeah.

So if you ever need a babysitter,
just yell.

I appreciate that.

Hey! Wait for me!

No, I don't want a viola player.
I asked for a violinist.

I don't even know what a viola is!

Oh, it's just a big violin?

OK, yeah, sure.
OK, I'll see you at eight.

- What was that?
- It's just a little surprise, OK?

- Let it go.
- "Let it go." That's cute.

Start talking.

I planned a little something
for our anniversary.

That is all I'm gonna say.


If we're doing this,
I need to buy you something.

- What do you want?
- Don't have to buy me anything.

Didn't have to plan anything,
but you did.

Even though we had an agreement.
You like ties? You're getting a tie.

- What are you getting so upset about?
- I have been dragging my ass all day.

And the only thought
that's kept me going is the hot bath.

And now I have to do my hair,
and shave my legs...

So what do you want to do, Lynette?
Just tell me what you want.

I told you what I want.

Hot bath, bed early.
But you chose not to listen.

Well, OK, I guess
I could just cancel the whole thing.

You can have your dream evening alone.
I'll get up a poker game.

Thank you.

Hey, you know what?
I've been dragging my ass all day, too.

Know what got me through it?

The idea of doing
something special with you.

Happy anniversary.

I'm off to join your mother.
Hotel number's on the fridge

in case there's a problem. Bree said
her cell isn't getting reception.

Uh, actually, we kinda
already have a problem.

I'm late for my flight. Can this wait
a few weeks until we're back?

- Yeah, this could wait a few weeks.
- Oh, good.

I mean, heck, this particular problem
could wait nine months.

Good Lord.

- How was your bath?
- Oh, I couldn't relax.

I just kept replaying the fight
I had with Tom in my head.

Well, at least your husband
tries to be romantic.

Every anniversary,
Gilbert bought me an appliance.

On the last one,
he gave me a vacuum cleaner.

He died two weeks later. I didn't cry.


- [doorbell rings]
- Who could that be? Here.

Here's what we're thinking.

Clearly, the idea of the two of you
getting married is ridiculous.

- So, what do you want me to do?
- Glad you asked.

Bree and I have decided that
Danielle will join us on our honeymoon.

When we return, we'll tell our friends
she's decided to study abroad.

Once the baby's born and adopted
by a suitable family, she'll come home.

- What about me?
- You leave.


Get out of Fairview and don't tell
a soul why, not even your aunt.

- I can't do that.
- Why not?

I've got responsibilities.
People are counting on me.

Should've thought before
impregnating my stepdaughter.

- I said I'm not leaving!
- Oh, easy there, Turbo.

Uh, we'll be right back.

So who exactly is counting on you, hmm?

Julie Mayer, maybe?

She gave me another chance. I can't
leave if I've got a shot with her.

When Julie finds out
you knocked up my sister?

Didn't your stepdad say
no one's gonna find out about that?

OK, try this.

Julie's a nice girl.

And you, well, you're a dog.

No knock.
I'm a dog lover, myself.

But Julie deserves better.

And you know you'll just
end up cheating on her.

No, I won't hurt her again.

Sure you will.

Not right away.

Maybe you'll hold out for six months.

But by then it'll hurt her even more.

Am I wrong?

You just have to ask yourself if you can
be the kind of guy she needs you to be.

And if you can't, walk away.

Beer is on the house, guys.
Drink fast, get stupid, lose money.

- Mike!
- Hey.

Hey, buddy.
Hey, you know Orson, right?

- Oh, yeah.
- Hey, neighbor.

Hey, so, let's get started, huh?
Five card stud, two dollar ante.

- Good evening, gentlemen.
- Ian!

Hey... Ian.

Nice to see you, Mike.

What is fish and chips doing here?

Susan asked me to include him.
He's always wanted to learn how to play.

So we're gonna give him
some very expensive lessons.

Be careful.
He already knows how to bluff.

- Hey.
- Hey. How's it going?

Good, good.

Uh, I just wanted to tell you,
I have to leave town for a while.

Really? Is something wrong?

No, no, no, it's just family stuff.

I don't know exactly
when I'll be back.

It could be a while, though.

Oh... OK.

I just want you to know
that it means a lot

that you were willing
to give me a second chance.

You're the only person
that's ever done that.

- Austin, what's going on?
- Nothing.

Uh, it's just... I have to go.

Goodbye, Julie.


I'll raise you.

Mmm. I'm out.

Another courageous move
from Foldilocks.

I'll call you.
Flush, king high.

Full house, sevens and knaves.

Jacks! We call them jacks!

Boy, this is your lucky room.

Yes, I heard about your engagement.

Yeah, about that, Ian...

Was that proposal spontaneous,
or did you have it all planned?

Oh, it was entirely planned.
I thought it'd be the ideal occasion.

Oh, if it was planned,
why didn't you have a ring?

Well, I thought Susan
might like to choose the ring herself.

Ante up, boys.

So why'd she pick a ring
that was too big for her?

How did you know that?

Guys, guys, guys, guys,
we came here to play cards.

- Why are we talking about jewelry?
- Sorry, Tom.

But I found out I bought
a ring for Susan myself.

It was in my pocket that night
some son of a bitch ran me over.

Tom's right.
We should focus on the game.

After our talk, I called the hospital.

They said my ring
got in with your wife's stuff.

So you saw it before I did,
the same day you proposed to Susan.

And your point is?

That that's why you were
in such a big hurry.

You wanted to seal the deal before
I found out about the ring and told her.

- Do you think I'm afraid of you?
- Maybe you should be.

What do you think Susan would say

if she found out why your proposal
was so spontaneous?

- Guys, can we just play?
- I'm trying.

Fine. Deal.

[phone rings]

- Hello.
- Mr. Scavo?

It's Lamar from the limo service.

Um, I got a flat, so I might be late
picking up you and your wife.

What are you talking about?
I canceled you.

- No, you didn't.
- Yes, I did. I left you a message.

Oh, I must have missed it.

Anyway, I dropped your wife
where you told me.

- Oh, God, when?
- About two hours ago.

Guys, um, lock up when you're done!

I'll open.

- I'm out.
- And I'll raise you.

You want a beer?

Tom's gone.
Let's go open up the good stuff.

Well, looks like it's just you and me,
if you're still in.

With this hand? You bet I am.

I'll re-raise.

And raise again.

Your stack's looking kinda small.

Will you take a check?

You know I can't match that.

How about this then?

You win, you keep the money
and you tell Susan whatever you want.

If I win, you keep your mouth shut
about the ring

and you leave me and Susan alone.


How was the game?

I won.

[Susan laughs]

Lynette, I am so sorry! I am so sorry!

There was supposed to be
a horse-drawn carriage and...

Oh, good, you got the flowers.

- Coffee?
- Yes, please.

Yeah, she likes coffee, too. Thanks.

I'm really, really,
really, really sorry...

Please stop apologizing.

I appreciate what
you were trying to do.

It was a lovely thought that went
hideously, hideously, hideously wrong.

Wait until the kids find out

- you saw a real coyote.
- Hideously.

Well, I learned my lesson.

Never again. No more surprises.

From now on,
I'll do exactly what you say.

Oh, don't you dare.


I had a lot of time to think tonight.

And I realized, you were right.

We have to keep the romance going.

No matter how tired we are.

The only thing worse
than just going through the motions

is not bothering
to go through the motions.

So you want me
to surprise you next year?

Knock yourself out.

Just wait, because I will think
of something even better.

Oh, after this year,

I would be happy with any date
that included food and shelter.


Nine years.

Nine years.

And I have loved every minute of it.

Me, too.

[Rex] Take a drive down
any street in suburbia.

Know what you're gonna see?

A bunch of guys
wearing the same expression.

It's a look that says, "Oh, crap.

My dreams are never gonna come true.

I'll never have a life
free from scandal.

I'll never have a son of my own.

I'll never hold her in my arms again.

I'll never get to tell her how I feel. "

Yeah, the suburbs are filled
with a lot of men who've given up hope.

Of course, every once in a while
you do come across some lucky SOB

whose dreams have all come true.

You know how you spot them?

They're the ones who can't stop smiling.

Don't you just hate those guys?