Desperate Housewives (2004–2012): Season 3, Episode 1 - Listen to the Rain on the Roof - full transcript

Six months later. Mike has been in a coma since the hit-and-run accident, with Susan by his side, and nobody suspecting it was the shady Orson, who proposes marriage to Bree, without either asking for sex first. Meanwhile, Gabrielle and Carlos are getting divorced, but they are briefly reunited when their pregnant surrogate mother Xiao Mei runs away after being unable to stand Gabby's constant bickering. While adjusting to having Tom's other child around the house, Lynette realizes that the girl's trailer-trash mother, Nora, is more than she bargained for when she keeps showing up at the house with Kayla as if Tom's other wife, and makes Tom decide who comes first, a birthday party does the rest. While at the hospital, Susan is asked on a date by Ian Hainsworth, whose spouse is also in a coma. During Bree and Orson's engagement party, the mysterious Carolyn Bigsby arrives, claiming that Orson murdered his wife Alma who he claims has left him. Edie is desperately trying to sell the Young house in the aftermath of their departure from Whisteria Lane.

[Mary Alice] Previously on
Desperate Housewives:

I have another child, Lynette.

[Carlos] You gave me permission.

Not to sleep with the woman
who's carrying our child!

For some, love will wither...

- [Bree] Do I know you?
- Orson Hodge. Susan's dentist friend.

... while others will wait for love.

For others, new love will bloom...

... that may never arrive.

Something awful happened
on Lakeview Drive last year.

To understand why, you need to know

that, when Alma Hodge
awoke that morning,

she had no idea this would be
the day she'd leave her husband.

Certainly, it began normally enough.

She put away the groceries
per his instructions.

She hung his dry cleaning
exactly as he had requested.

She folded the towels
just as he had taught her.

It was just before noon...

Mama loves her baby.
Does the baby love Mama?


... when something inside Alma broke

and she decided
it was time to fly away.

Of course, she knew better
than to say this to her husband.

He thought Alma was happy.

And Orson Hodge
did not like to be contradicted.

So she waited till he'd left for work.

And then...

Baby, you gotta come down now.
Mama's in a hurry.

Hurry. Hurry.

If you don't get back in your cage right
now, I have to leave you behind. Please.

The next day, Carolyn Bigsby stopped by.

And, like most nosy neighbors,

she knew you learned more
if you didn't knock.

Alma? Are you home?

- Carolyn?
- I was just looking for Alma.

We had a coffee date this morning.
She never showed.

- Uh, Alma left yesterday.
- Left?

We had a bit of a row.


Harvey and I thought we heard
some raised voices. So where'd she go?

Don't know. But I wouldn't worry
about it. I'm sure she's fine.

[Baby] Orson, no.

Orson, no.

So if I hear from Alma,
I'll let her know that you dropped by.

[Mary Alice] Yes, Orson Hodge was a man
who did not like to be contradicted...

... by anyone.

It doesn't rain very often
in the town of Fairview.

But when it does, it pours.

It was on just such a day
that Bree Van de Kamp

went on her first date
with her new friend, Orson Hodge,

a date that ended
with a kiss in the rain.

This occurred
just as Gabrielle Solis was conferring

with her new divorce lawyer

and describing, in vivid detail,
her husband's affair with their maid,

who also happened to be their surrogate.

Meanwhile, Lynette Scavo was busy

meeting her husband's
illegitimate daughter...


... while resisting the urge
to strangle the girl's mother.

This happened just after
Susan Mayer learned Mike Delfino

had been badly injured
in a hit-and-run accident

and was now in a coma
at Fairview Memorial Hospital.

At that same moment, Edie Britt
was putting up a for-sale sign

on the lawn of the house
where I once lived.

Edie had also planned to spruce up the
property by washing down the driveway,

but she was pleased to see
the rain had already taken care of that.

This is what rainy days are good for.

They make everything clean again...

... which is necessary
on a street like Wisteria Lane,

where everything can get so messy.


Welcome, welcome.


Don't worry about the water. The wood
floors are laminated. Here's a flyer.

[Karen] The police found
her severed fingers in the garage.

- [woman] Oh, no.
- And they never found Felicia's body.

I wouldn't be surprised if someday
you open a cabinet, and hello!

Karen, dear. Have you seen
the marble backsplash?

I just must show it to you. Excuse us.

What are you trying to do to me,
you backstabbing cow?

They asked why the owner was selling.

I told them that Paul Young was in jail.
They asked why. Conversation has a flow.

Well, knock it off.

I've been trying to unload this house
for months. You are not helping.

[Edie chiding]

Those are for potential buyers,
you withered old mooch.

Good luck trying to find one of those.

Maybe it'll be easier
with the Applewhite house

- and that rec room in the basement.
- Get out.

Get out. Get out, get out, get out.

- Edie? Do you have a moment, please?
- Yes. Yes, yes, yes.

- [kids] Yeah! Yeah!
- [Tom] Guys.

- Settle down.
- Come on!

- Is Kayla ready yet?
- Just a sec.

Honey, thank you for this.

It's a little weird, a family Christmas
photo with your husband's love child.

It means a lot to her to feel included.

No problem.
She's a great little girl. OK?

All right, let's do this.
I am just going to check the focus.

- Nora.
- Lynette.

Uh-huh. What are you doing there?

Well, it's a family photo, right?

Tom, could I check your tie again?

She sat down so quickly,
I didn't know what to say.

How about,
"You're in the frame, bitch. Move."

- Lynette...
- No, I am sorry.

How much of her crap
do I have to put up with?

First, it's little drop-bys,
then she's inviting herself to dinner.

Now she wants to be in our
Christmas photo? That's not happening.

Hey, guys.
Don't fight. It's the holidays.

Nora... this is just for our family.

I would prefer if you weren't in it.



Kayla, honey, we gotta go.
They're kicking us out.

We didn't say that Kayla
couldn't be in the photo.

Yeah, well, you know what? If I'm not
your family, then she's not your family.

It's OK.
I don't have to be in the picture.

Fine. Fine. No, absolutely fine.

Put Crazy at the end
and we can crop her out later.

Fair enough. Everything's OK.
It's OK. Come on, guys. Come on back.

[Nora] Thank you, Lynette.

That's the Christmas spirit
that I was looking for.

- Ten seconds.
- [camera whirring]

[camera beeping]

[sighs] I think this is a little stiff.
I have a really fun idea.

[all gasp]

Where are my crackers?

We're out, but I got you a pickle.

Pickles and soup? Who eats that?

- You know, that's all I got.
- Ever heard of a store?

- You did not just do that.
- I hate pickles.

Pick it up.

Doctor say I only
get out of bed to pee.

Better for baby, remember?

Don't go. I need you to rub my feet.

- They're sore. And doctor say...
- Cut it out, Xiao Mei.

He didn't say anything
about rubbing your chubby stumps.

Rub them yourself.

You treat me like dirt.

Would you rather go live with Mr. Solis
in a dingy one-bedroom apartment

with no air conditioning and no cable?

No, I didn't think so.

You are meanest person I know.

I am the meanest person you know.
You've been in this country a year.

- Modify your nouns, damn it.
- What a bitch.

I can't wait for you to pop out
that baby, because when you do,

I am putting you
on the first plane to Shanghai.

You're gonna be on all fours in a rice
paddy before the epidural wears off.

But you promised
to get me apartment in Chinatown,

so I can work for my friend
in restaurant, start a new life.

Tell it to my Chinese friend, Sue Me.

We do have people in the hospital
who could do that.

But I like doing it.
I think Mike would want me to. Oops.

So have you got the results
of his latest MRI yet?

- I'm afraid there was no change.
- Oh.

Well, how long
until you can do another one?

I don't wanna tell you
not to be optimistic...

It's been six months, but he
could still come out of it, right?

I saw on the news, this woman
in Peru woke up after ten years.

There's a reason that made the news.

You might think I'm naive,
but I know he's coming back to me.

- Susan...
- Don't say it.

You just keep doing your job,
and I'll keep doing mine.



That risotto was perfect.

Just like you.

Listen, I hope
you saved room for dessert.

I got us something special
from a wonderful little bakery downtown.

[Bree] Ooh.

That is so adorable. But I
don't think I can eat another bite.

Here, let me take half.

What do you say, Bree?
Will you marry me?


This is a little sudden, isn't it?

We've only known each other six months,
but I've loved you every minute of it.

- But if you don't share my feelings...
- No, no, um...

I do. It's just that
I can't help being cautious.

Since Rex,
I haven't been exactly lucky in love.

I used to feel the same way.

When Alma left me, I was shattered.

I realize now
it was the luckiest day of my life

because it meant I was free
when I met you.

Luck can change, Bree.
Let me change yours.



Yes, I will marry you, Orson.


[Mary Alice] Ian Hainsworth
had been miserable

ever since a tragic
horseback riding accident

had left his wife, Jane, in a coma.

For the next three years,

he shied away from all social contact

because he wanted
to be alone with his grief.

Then one day he met Susan Mayer,

who, because of her own tragedy,

was just as miserable as he was.

And a friendship slowly blossomed,

because, as everyone knows,

misery loves company.

And Ian was loving this company

more and more every day.

...two... three...

Itch, itch, itch, itch, itch.
Itch, itch, itch.

- Do the nurses know you do this?
- Oh, hey.

- You weren't supposed to see that.
- Clearly.

But you can buy my silence
if you'll have coffee with me.

I would love to, but I'm in a rush.

I'm supposed to meet my girlfriends
for lunch. Is it one yet?

You tell me. I noticed you're always
rushing into the hall to check the time,

so I bought you this.


Wow. [laughs] Um,

I can't accept this.

- This is too extravagant.
- It's nothing.

A guy had a bunch of them
laid out on a blanket.

If you look closely, it says Folex.

- Still, I...
- Please.

It would make me so happy
if you took it.

Well, in that case,
thank you for my cheap knockoff.

Oh, my God, I'm late.

- Hi, hi, hi, hi.
- Hi.

- I'm so sorry I'm late.
- [Lynette] No, that's fine.

White gloves.
Are we having luncheon in the 1880s?

Well, it's a very elegant club.
Orson's been a member here for years.

It'll be even nicer
when they finish the construction.

You were mysterious on the phone.
Why did you want to have lunch?

Well, I wanted to invite you to a dinner
Orson and I are having this Saturday.

So you asked us to a meal
to announce another meal?

That's so Bree of you.

- What's the occasion?
- Oh, um, no occasion.

- Just a little get-together.
- What are you being so coy about?

- I'm not being coy.
- She said, coyly.

If you don't tell us, we're not coming.

All right.

I wanted to wait
and make a proper announcement, but...

- Orson and I are engaged.
- [Gabby] Oh, my gosh.

- Let me see.
- You move fast.

I know it's quick,
but it just feels so right.

Orson is just the most warm,
wonderful, generous man.

That means he's good in the sack.

Actually, no, we haven't had sex yet.

We're waiting until we get married.

Oh, my God, you're serious?

No sex at all? Not even...?

Whatever you're alluding to, no.

But you're gonna get married.

You wouldn't buy a car without at least
taking it for a little test drive.

It's not like you've never slept
with a guy you weren't married to.

True, I have, in the past,
given myself away too freely.

How charming to bring that up
while I'm announcing my engagement.

But I like to think
I have learned from my mistakes.

So, the dinner is at 8:00.

And when we make the announcement,
please, everybody look surprised.

I'm going to replay the look when
I found out you hadn't banged him yet.


- [high-pitched voice] Hey, sexy mama.
- That's cute.

You invited Kayla
to Parker's birthday party?

- Of course.
- And?

- And?
- What did you tell Nora?

I told her that we were picking up Kayla
for a quiet afternoon at home.

- You lied?
- Damn straight, I lied.

I will not have that lunatic
ruining one more family gathering.

But Kayla's gonna, you know,
tell Nora that we had a party,

and I'm just afraid
that Nora's gonna blow a gasket.

- What?
- So, what are you saying?

- You're more afraid of Nora than of me?
- Is that what you think I meant?

Because that is so not what I meant.

- You scare the hell out of me, baby.
- Thank you.

The coffee machine was broken,
so I got smoothies.

- They had strawberry and strawberry.
- I hate strawberry.

So give me the strawberry.

Hi, Jane.

Nothing against smoothies, but
I wouldn't mind some real food sometime.

- Maybe we could go to a restaurant.
- You mean outside the hospital?

Yeah, you know, like a date.

A date? [gasps]

Yeah. There's a lovely little bistro
down the street.

I'm so... I'm really, really sorry.

Well, that sounds just...
That sounds great.

- I mean, I hope that's OK.
- Yeah.

So, I was thinking about how
that sounded just now, the date thing.

I really sprang it on you
out of nowhere.

Yes, you did.

Jane looked cold.



Look, we're both
in difficult situations.

I've been in mine
a lot longer than you have.

If you're not ready, I understand.

If you ever should be, let me know.

All right.

I am really hungry.

Well, then, let's go to the blood bank
and swipe some sugar cookies.

Oh, um,

you might wanna give Jane a sponge
bath. She had a little accident.

[children screaming, laughing]

[telephone ringing]

- Hello?
- Hey, Lynette, it's me.

Hey, Nora.

Are you having a party?

Shh! Quiet, quiet, quiet. No.

[fakes static]
No, of course not.

In fact, we're just having
a quiet afternoon at home.

The kids are so bored. We were thinking
of taking them out for ice cream.

Well, would you tell Kayla
that Mommy called to check on her?

I will, I will.
And I'll see you tonight.

OK. Bye.

- You think she bought it?
- No.

I think she'll be over here
in ten minutes.

OK, let's move, let's move.

I've got ten bucks here for the kid
who can carry the most stuff, OK?

Hey, Gabby, it's Lynette.
Got a little emergency here.

Is it OK if we use your backyard?

Great, great.

And we take complete responsibility
for whatever the pony does.

Hope you get this message soon.


My only concern
would be the neighborhood.

We really need a quiet place
for our retirement.

Oh, are you kidding?

There's no place in Fairview
that's more peaceful.

[Lynette] Where the hell's the pony?
OK, guys. Come on, come on, come on!

Let me show you the media room.

OK, go on in. And the balloons.

Good, good. All right.

OK. That's it. Everybody's in.

Where's the cake?

Oh, crap.


Anybody home?

- Hello?
- Hey, Nora.

Wow. We weren't expecting you
until seven.

- So where's Kayla?
- Tom took the kids to the movies.

Uh-uh. You said ice cream.

Uh-huh. After the movies.

Movies then ice cream.
An American tradition.

So, is something wrong?

To be honest, I thought
that you were lying and having a party.

- I guess I was wrong.
- Oh, apology accepted.

Want me to walk you to your car?

Where did everybody go?

Nora, look, I am sorry I lied,
but, you know, you gave me no choice.

Lynette, I want my daughter.

Where's the damn party?

- No. I'm not telling.
- Where's the party?

No, no, no. You want in,
you're gonna have to go through me.

I want my kid, Lynette.

Kayla! Kayla, come out here now!

What is going on?

Well, first you have a party
and you don't invite me.

And then you lie about it.
So now we're leaving.

Well, wait a minute.
Hold on, hold on, hold on, Kayla.

I'm sorry.

We're sorry. We shouldn't have done it.

But, look, Kayla is having
such a good time.

Why don't we all just have some cake
and we can...? Lynette.

We can just have fun.
Could you excuse me for one second?


OK, OK, I know, but what else
could I do? I'm just thinking of Kayla.

I know you are, Tom,
and I know you love her.

Why else do you think
I'm willing to put up with all this?

Why I'll say to my college roommates,

"That's my husband's love child and
her mother in our Christmas picture."

Because I am your wife.

You always come first with me.

Do I still come first with you?

- I guess I'll see you later, Nora.
- Well, I'm taking Kayla.

Well, that's a shame.
I've gotta go hoist a pinata.

Mommy, they have a pinata.

Fine. I'll be back at seven.

But there had better be
a corner piece of cake waiting for me.

Come on, Kayla. Go have some fun.
Go have some fun.

- Thank you for that.
- Sure.

- I'll be back in 20 minutes.
- Gonna go buy a pinata?

Sure am.

Xiao Mei?

Come on out. I have your lunch.

Xiao Mei, your favorite soap is on.

There's a doctor fondling a patient
on the operating table.

You're missing it.

Xiao Mei?

Xiao Mei?

Hey, quick question.
Have you by any chance seen Xiao Mei?

- I can't believe you lost our baby.
- I did not lose our baby.

Stop saying that.
I know exactly where it is.

Inside some crazy Chinese woman
who stole half a chicken from my fridge.

Hi. Hi. Li Wang, right?

Remember me? Xiao Mei lives with me.
You came over. We had lunch.

You've got some nerve
showing your face here. Get out.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What happened
to that famous Chinese hospitality?

Xiao Mei said you threatened
to send her back to China

to work as a slave in a rice paddy.

I may have mentioned deportation,

but I didn't think
she'd take it personally.

- Are you crazy?
- It was banter.

Has this country come to the point
where you can't joke with the help?

You treat Xiao Mei like dirt.

She's just a poor girl
trying to live the American dream,

just like your ancestors.

Don't give me that
We Are The World crap.

That woman's uterus
is harboring a stolen baby.

If you know where she is, start talking,

or I'll get the health department

to take a closer look at what
you're serving as moo shu pork.

Boy, those people just don't have
a sense of humor, do they?

I'm telling you, at this number,
it's not gonna last long.

We like the neighborhood, but some
odd things have gone on with this house.

Complete fabrication. Malicious lies
spread by jealous competitors.

Now you've gotta check out this storage.

You're not gonna believe
what you can fit in here.

And now the media room.

Wow, we certainly devoured
that ice cream.

- Can I get you anything else?
- You tell me.

- Orson.
- Mmm?

[Bree moans]

I thought we...


- I just assumed, now we're engaged...
- Does that change our core values?


But when I saw you standing in front
of the freezer in a clingy silk dress,

let's just say, well,
it challenged them.

Well, I thought we agreed we wanted
our wedding night to be perfect.

Yes, but actors want opening night
to be perfect. That's why they rehearse.

It'll be better this way.

Now, can I get you some more ice cream?

Not in that dress.



So, I need to ask you something.

Ian, you know, from across the hall?

You met him.

Anyway, he sort of asked me out,

on a date.

I know, you're thrown.
I was thrown, too.

But he's really nice and...

...I could sort of use
someone to talk to...

...who also talks back.

The thing is, I'm sort of lonely

and the past six months
have been really hard on me.

So what I need is...

...I need to know if it's OK with you
if I go out with him.

Because if it's not, I won't.

I'd like nothing better
than for you to just wake up

and tell me not to go out with him.

Just wake up and tell me.

Wake up. Please.

All right.

[deep sigh]

I'll see you tomorrow.

I love you.

It is really just dinner.

I'm just dropping off Carlos
and then I'll be by to pick her up.

OK. Thanks, Edie.

Xiao Mei's fine.
Crisis averted. No harm, no foul.

You endangered the life
of our baby today.

Don't you dare give me that attitude.

You have no idea
what I've been going through.

Here we go.

I have had to wait hand and foot
on your mistress.

Imagine if the day after
you found out about John Rowland,

you had to make his lunch
and rub his feet.

John Rowland wasn't carrying our kid.

Forgive me for being concerned
about our surrogate.

Xiao Mei is going to be fine.

Once that baby comes,
her slate is wiped clean.

She's gonna walk away,
go off and live her American dream.

Me? I'm gonna be stuck,
a single mother raising a child alone,

haggling with lawyers
on who gets the kid at Christmas.

My American dream is officially dead.

I'm sorry.

Thank you.

Just so you know,
my dream hasn't exactly...

[tires screech]

OK, so we will see you Saturday.

And please pretend to be surprised. Bye.

You told someone else?

Bree. The whole point of the party
was to announce our engagement.

I just can't help it.
I like telling people.

It makes me feel... I don't know.
It makes me feel like I'm starting over.

- It feels good.
- Feels good to me, too.

No hands, see?

- [Orson clears throat]
- [Bree moans]

You don't have to wash those.
I already did them.

I found some streaks, so I'm wiping them
down with undiluted red wine vinegar.

I've never heard of that.

Sure. But for tougher spots,

I use a fifty-fifty mix
of denatured alcohol and water.

And for those really intractable stains,

I mean, we're talking shower doors,

I wipe on lacquer thinner with a towel.

- Bree?
- [gasps]

Oh, Orson.

[both grunting]

[sighs, then giggles]

Excuse me.

Did you lose something?

No, I just thought... for you...

- I don't do that.
- Why not?

- I'm a Republican.
- I'm a Libertarian.

I believe in minimizing the role of the
state and maximizing individual rights.

But, Orson...

Trust me. I know what I'm doing.


[cries out]

- Oh, no.
- What?

You didn't just crack that veneer again?

I have to go.

Go? Go where?

Then it was like
something inside ruptured.

Well, not so much a rupture
as a spasm.

Waves of this hot, clutching...

I think I might have had a small stroke.

- How severe were the pains?
- That's the odd thing.

I mean, there was no pain, per se.
In fact, it wasn't entirely unpleasant.

What were you doing at the time?

I was with my fianc?.
We were lying down... resting.

I'm gonna take a wild swing here.
Were you having sex?

Sort of.

Ms. Van de Kamp,
I think you may have had an orgasm.

- No, no, no. I've had orgasms before.
- How would you describe them?

That warm sensation, that tingling
feeling of relief when it's over.

No, no. This was much...

- Better?
- Yes.

That's 'cause it was an orgasm.


Well, I'll be darned.

[music, chatter]

- [Karen] Let me have one.
- Here you go.

It's beautiful.

[doorbell chimes]

Hi. Can I help you?

- Are you Bree Van de Kamp?
- Yes. And you are?

Carolyn Bigsby. I was Orson's neighbor.

Well, come on in. Let's dry you off
and get you a drink.

I didn't come here to celebrate.


Engaged again? That was quick work.

Does she know you killed your wife?

My wife left me.

And no one ever heard from her again.
Not me, not her family.

Just dropped off the face of the earth.

- Orson, what is she talking about?
- Didn't tell you that part, did he?

- You've made your little scene.
- You keep your hands off me.

Don't let him fool you.
Get away from him now while you can.

- Please leave my house.
- Fine.

Be a fool. Marry him.

Just don't be surprised
when you go missing, too.

I'm sorry you had to endure that.

Your wife... disappeared?

I tried to find her.

Her family claimed
not to have heard from her.

Personally, I think
she was just trying to punish me.

So... are you still married?

No. I was granted a divorce
on grounds of abandonment.


- You can't possibly think that...
- No, of course not.

I love you.

And I love you.

Orson, my hand.

[all murmuring]

[all silent]

The buffet is open.


[woman] It's gorgeous, just gorgeous.

[Mary Alice] Every storm
brings with it hope

that somehow, by morning,

everything will be made clean again

and even the most troubling stains
will have disappeared.

Like the doubts over his innocence.

Or the consequence of his mistake.

Like the scars of his betrayal.

Or the memory of his kiss.

So we wait for the storm to pass,
hoping for the best...

... even though we know in our hearts

some stains are so indelible,

nothing can wash them away.