Desperate Housewives (2004–2012): Season 2, Episode 9 - That's Good, That's Bad - full transcript

Previously on Desperate Housewives:

All this time my father has been right
across town running the feed store?

Susan found her real father...

Ed wants to make the final decision.

Ed Ferrara, Lynette Scavo.

...Lynette met her new boss...

I learned my lesson. When I get
out, everything's gonna be different.

...Carlos promised
to change his old ways...

Dr Goldfine has concerns about us
being together. I think he's right.

...Bree discovered
George's true colours.

George, I don't want to!



We are engaged!
You have to wear it!

I don't think we are anymore.

Anyone who'd ever been
to a party at Bree Van De Kamp's

thought of her
as the perfect hostess.

Because Bree knew
how to take care of her guests.

Her dinners were always
served promptly,

her liquor always flowed freely,

and her anecdotes
were always enjoyable.

But on this night, the perfect
hostess was about to find herself...

Where's that music coming from?

...in a very imperfect predicament.

I'm not sure.

Don't give up on us, baby

We're still worth one more try



If you'll excuse me
for just one minute.

I know we put a last one by

Just for a rainy evening

George!

I have guests!
What do you think you're doing?

We had a tiff. I upset you.
I'm trying to make things right.

It was not a tiff.
We broke up. It's over!

We can still come through

If you don't knock it off,
I'm gonna call the police!

All right, go ahead.
I really lost my head last night

Call the police!
If they tow me away, I'll come back!

I want you to hear
the whole medley! Come on!

Why don't you all take your seats?
Dessert is about to be served.

I really lost my head last night

You've got a right to...

Yes, Bree knew how to
take care of her guests.

Especially those who weren't invited.

Good guys wear white hats,
and bad guys wear black.

This is how children distinguish
between good and evil.

But they soon learn the bad guys
don't always look so bad.

In fact, sometimes they
even seem downright friendly.

That is, until you get
to know them a little bit better.

Hey. Fancy seeing you here.
I was just out for a little ride.

Don't lie. You've been riding up
and down this street for the last hour.

I don't want to do this but you
won't return my phone calls.

So, stalking me is "Plan B"?

Bree, I know I messed up.

I know I got some issues to work on.

But I'd be willing to see a therapist,
if that's what you want.

I'll do anything.

But how can I show you I can change
if you don't give me a second chance?

Come on.

You know I'm not a bad person.

I do know that.

But I'm just not sure
you're a good one, either.

And we integrated the corporate
logo into the jungle background,

creating not only an ad for the clothing
but for the company itself.

I don't get it.

What don't you get?

The whole idea
kind of makes my head hurt.

- Is it just me?
- No.

You're right. It stinks.

Sorry guys.
Back to the drawing board.

I've got tickets to a game.

Nina, do whatever
you have to do to keep us afloat.

You got it.

Looks like it's gonna be
another late night at the office.

Nice work, everybody, thank you.

Could you can the attitude, Nina?

What did you just say?

You're being rude. It's out of line.

You know how hard we all worked.

Yeah, I do.

Nina, I think I speak
for everyone here

when I say we are sick
and tired of your abuse.

Frankly, you owe us an apology.

Is this true?

I mean, I would be mortified
if I thought that I'd hurt any of you.

If anybody feels like
I owe them an apology,

please... speak up.

You? You?

You?

Gee, Lynette.

I guess you were mistaken.

All right, let's recap, shall we?

Stinky pitch.

Working late.

No apologies.

Guys, we talked about this!

What happened to
standing up for ourselves?

Hot muffins! Any takers?

No, Stu. These people
don't deserve muffins.

Hello?

Hello. My name is Mark Martinez.

I'm the assistant warden
at Fairview County Jail.

Is Mrs Solis available?

Yeah, this is her.

Did something happen with Carlos?

At 7.43 this morning
your husband held two guards

at gunpoint,
then successfully escaped.

He what?

I take it you had no prior knowledge
he had planned to do this?

Of course not! He's a moron!

We have every reason to believe
your husband may come to find you.

We believe him to be armed
and very, very horny.

What?

Surprise, baby.

I got paroled early.

It's so good to see you!

What happened?

There's this church group
that helps out Catholic prisoners,

and they really stepped up for me.

What did they do?

They lobbied the parole board
and it worked.

I owe the Pope a "thank you" note.

Less talking. More stripping.

Prudy's Feed Store.

Apparently he owns the place.

- How are you gonna do it?
- What do you mean?

How are you gonna
tell him that you're his daughter?

Oh, I'm not.

The man abandoned me
before I was born.

I don't have a desire
to have a relationship with him.

OK, then I'm really confused
why we're here spying on him.

I just want to see what he's like.

And satisfy my curiosity
and get it out of my system.

Well, there you go.

Now, you tell Charlie that
Addison Prudy says, "Drop in sometime."

I miss that ugly mug of his
around here.

I will.

I bet I know what you're here for.

You heard about the giveaway.

Well, I got the cowboy hats right here.

Oh, no, that's OK, you don't
have to give me anything. Really.

Relax. This is a promotional item.

Didn't cost me a dime.

There you go.

Pretty as a picture.

I have a dad!

He's great!
He gave me a hat!

Wow.

That biting thing, at the end,
totally blew my mind.

Please tell me
you didn't learn that in prison.

Yeah, dude.

Wait, I'm not done with you yet.

Just gimme ten minutes please.

What is wrong with you?

You're totally useless after sex.

I know. I should probably
get my thyroid checked out.

Who's Sister Mary Bernard?

Hey, those are private. Gimme.

She's this nun, OK?

She visited me in prison. She's part
of the group that got me early release.

Can I have them back?

"When you walk with God every day,
you learn that truth is understood

in the mind,
but faith burns in the heart."

You don't know what it was
like in there, all right?

Twenty hours a day, eight by ten cell,
just you and your mind.

So, pretty much, just you.

It forces you to re-examine everything.

I was a very bad person
for a very long time.

But now all that is gonna change.

Because I'm on a new path.

A new path?

I am gonna live a virtuous life.

I want to do right by you,

by my mama,

and by my god.

What the hell did they do
to you in that prison?

All right, this is my last hand,
and then I gotta go.

Already?

I left a proposal on my desk at work.

I have to go over it tonight or
you-know-who's gonna have my head.

Nina!

This "gainful employment" thing
is starting to cut into our social life.

If one of you would agree
to raise my kids, I wouldn't need a job.

Any takers?

No, I didn't think so.

Ante up.

Speaking of child abandonment,

when are you gonna tell your father he
has a bouncing middle-aged baby girl?

Soon. I don't want to ambush him.

I'm gonna ease into it.

How do you ease into
"Hi! I'm your illegitimate daughter"?

There's a "Help Wanted"
sign in the window.

I was thinking
about getting a job there.

He would get to know me,
and I'm sure he would like me,

and I would like him,
and then one day he'd say,

"You're like the daughter
I never had." And I'd say,

"Well, now that you mention it..."

OK, I'll go first.

That's the most idiotic plan
I've ever heard of.

Why?

Because it all hinges on him
responding to your personality.

And let's face it.

You are an acquired taste.

Edie, I'm sure Susan's father
will like her just fine.

Thank you.

I just hope you don't expect
too much from this relationship.

You might find that
you don't have much in common.

I know.

But I've got to find out if
there's something there.

I've always wanted a dad.

I mean, I know
not having one affected me.

Of course it did.

Everyone needs a strong male role model.

No, they don't. I grew up
without a father. It didn't affect me.

Edie, how old were you
when you lost your virginity?

Point well taken.

Hey, look what I found in Ed's fridge.

Hey, Stu.

And Nina...

Hey, Lynette.
Can I... see you for a sec?

Sure.

Tsk, tsk, tsk.
Having sex with the support staff.

That's a big no-no. Ed's been known
to fire people for that sort of thing.

Lynette,

I know that we've had
our little differences.

But at the core,

I believe that we're both good people,

both smart women who
are just trying to make it

in this vicious,
male-dominated jungle...

OK, what do you want?

Do you want a raise?

You want a better office?

My demands are simple.

I want you to be nicer.

What?

No more belittling,
berating, rude sarcasm.

And in exchange I get your silence?

Yeah, pretty sweet deal,
don't you think?

I'll see what I can do.

- Great.
- OK.

And I'm gonna take your parking space.

I kid the Nina!

You're up early.

I'm going to Mass.

Yeah.

But it's not even Sunday.

They have Mass every day of the week.

Really? When did they start doing that?

That's Sister Mary Bernard.

Did you see where I put my Bible?

What?

- I saw your nun.
- So?

So she's hot. She's a hot nun.

You can't seriously be jealous.

You mean to tell me that
this miraculous conversion of yours

has nothing to do with the fact

that the woman
standing outside is a knockout?

That's what I'm telling you.

Who are you here to see?

I'm Lynette Scavo.

I work here. Who are you?

Pat. It's my first day.

Oh. Well, welcome.

What happened to Stu?

You fired Stu?

Oh, Lynette. Hey. Come on in.

I can't believe you would sink so low.

I'm going to Ed.

Ed knows.

This is Stu's employee evaluation file.

Right here.
This thing is full of black marks.

Come on. We both know
why you got rid of him.

Well, good luck proving it.

Oh, and on a completely unrelated topic,

there's gonna be another round
of firings coming down the pike.

Ed's been after me to trim the fat.

You threatening me?

No, no.

It's just that it's gonna be
my job to evaluate those

who are team players
and those who are not.

Just a little heads up.

Just trying to be nice.

I don't know, you seem
kind of overqualified.

Why? Because I went to college?

Because you finished high school.

Well, I just wanna change my life,

and ever since I was a little girl
I've always liked horses

and the outdoors

and well, I'm just
fascinated with feed.

Well, I suppose we could give you a try.

What?

Something on my nose?

Oh, no...

I was just looking
at the colour of your eyes.

You were?

Yeah. They're just like mine.

They're... They're nice.

Carol sent you to test me,
didn't she?

What? Who's Carol?

You go back and tell my wife if
a private detective couldn't fool me,

you're not gonna either.

I don't know what you're talking about.

A cute little thing like you struts in
here, flirts with an old codger like me?

How dumb do you think I am?

Hey, look at ya. You got pretty hair,

you got a sexy walk,
you got a tight little ass...

I'm your daughter!

What?

Back in the '60s you had a brief...

...relationship with a young girl,
Sophie Bremmer.

She got pregnant, and had a baby,

and that baby was me,
which makes you my father.

Hi.

I'm sorry, I didn't want to spring it on
you like this. Where are you going?

You see, when I found out you were alive
and we both lived in the same city,

I just wanted to meet you.

Mr Prudy?

Mr Prudy?

Hello?

Hello?

And, knock wood,
the doctors say I'll keep improving.

Slowly but surely.

So, how are you?

Good, good. I'm seeing friends.

I just started co-chairing a charity
event for the Junior League.

And... and I broke up with George.

Really.

Dr Goldfine, do you ever
really cure people?

I mean, even if they're really crazy?

I'm not a big fan of that word.

People either have
mental health or they don't.

When they do have a problem, you treat
them as if they had any other disease,

and sometimes they get better.

Well, when I broke up with George
I saw something in his eyes.

It was a kind of malevolence,

and it didn't seem to me to be
the sort of thing that you could cure.

I don't believe in evil.
We're just people.

How can you not believe in evil? A man
threw you off a bridge for no reason.

Exactly.
He didn't know anything about me.

He just rode up on his little
blue bike and tried to hurt me.

Do I think he's wicked? No.

He's disturbed.

His problems probably stem
from a chemical imbalance.

I believe with enough time
and treatment I could help him.

Did you say "a blue bike"?

Black?

Great.

I gotta say, Lynette,
I was surprised to get your call.

I didn't think you'd notice I was fired.

Of course I noticed.

You are one of my favourites.

And I thought it was really unfair
how it all went down.

It wasn't that unfair.
I was late all those times.

And I broke the copier.

I stole all those paper clips.

See, I don't think
that's why you got fired.

Really?

That's what Nina said.

Word got out that you and Nina were...

Shagging?

Well, being intimate.

And Nina fired you
to keep Ed from finding out.

You're kidding.

And that wasn't right of her.

She shouldn't have been having sex
with you. She's upper management.

Technically, it's sexual harassment.

But I was into it. I consented.

Stu, you're a gofer.

You can't consent to anything.

So I think you should talk to Ed
about getting your job back.

Why would he care?

Oh, he'll care. He doesn't want you
suing him for millions of dollars.

Wow.

So would Nina get in trouble?

Well, I'm not gonna lie to you.

There is a possibility she'd get a...

...slap on the wrist.

So...

...you'll think about talking to Ed?

Definitely.

The nurse told me you were waiting.

I just wanted to see if you were OK.

Sorry if I spooked you.

I've got a bad heart.

It's genetic, so you might
wanna get that checked.

OK.

Look, don't take this wrong, but,
I need you to clear out.

What? I just got here.

My wife's on her way.

The thing is, if Carol finds out I've
got an adult love child running around,

that's gonna be the straw
that breaks the camel's back.

I mean, it's not exactly
the only time I've strayed.

Charming.

But believe me, it was nice
to finally get to meet you.

You're a lovely woman.

Hon, you really need to leave now.

It's Susan.

My name is Susan.

And... no, I...
That's not good enough.

Look, I'm... I'm trying
really hard to be nice about this,

but you're backing me into a corner.

It's not like I want
an invitation to Thanksgiving.

I just wanna have coffee
or a lunch now and then.

I can't start up something with you.
It wouldn't be fair to my wife.

All the times you were
cheating on her, that was OK,

but having lunch with
your daughter, that crosses the line?

I just want a chance to get to know you.

Well... I don't want to know you.

I've already got a family.

Years ago, your mother and I
came to an understanding.

I gave her a bunch of money
and she agreed to keep things quiet.

Well, I wasn't consulted
on that little arrangement.

I don't think it's fair to punish me
for a mistake I made years ago!

Is that what you think of me?
I'm a mistake?

If that's what you need to hear?

Yeah. That's what I think.

Oh, Addy!

Addy!

Are you OK?

I'm good, baby.

The kids are on their way over.

Hi. I'm Carol.

You are?

Do you want to tell her,
or should I?

I'm your husband's guardian angel.

Excuse me?

My name's Susan.

I was buying some horse feed when

Mr Prudy had an attack
behind the counter.

I gave him CPR and called 911.

Thank you.

Thank you.

When I think what could have happened...

Well, I'm gonna get out of here.

Mr Prudy, I want you to hurry
and get back on your feet.

I'm not giving up.

I'm gonna be back
in the store next week.

I never got that darn horse feed.

I guess I'll put a bag aside for you.

You do that.

Bree, it's me.

The police are at my house.
What the hell is going on?

Look, I know you're there, pick up.

Did you have anything to do with this?

Bree? Bree?

George, I know
what you did to Dr Goldfine.

And I can see now
just how sick you really are.

So, please, just turn yourself in

and that way you can get
the help that you really need.

George?

What's going on?

Oh, I invited Sister
Mary Hotpants over for lunch.

What?

You said she touched your soul. I
want to make sure her hands are clean.

So, Sister Mary, tell me,
what's it like meeting men in prison?

You bond with all the convicts
or was Carlos just special?

Well, of course Carlos is special.

But our mission does a tonne of
evangelical work with several prisons.

Oh, I get it.

Sort of like, today's convict
is tomorrow's convert.

Something like that.

But mostly I do charity work.

Are you two involved in any charities?

Currently?

No.

But we should be.

Gabby, buying more stuff isn't
gonna make our lives better.

Exactly.

Money can't buy happiness.

Sure it can. That's a lie we tell
poor people to keep them from rioting.

- Gabby!
- It's a joke! Lighten up.

Can you believe this?

I'm married to a woman so selfish
she makes fun of charity.

You are a hypocrite.

The money to buy your car could buy
a mud hut for every peasant in Ecuador.

OK, you're right.

But I am evolving, starting right now.

I would like to donate
my car to your mission.

What?

Carlos, are you sure?

Absolutely. Gabrielle and I don't
need two cars. We can share one.

Share? What if you have the car
and I need to go shopping?

We're gonna cut back on shopping too.

OK, I think we should
just calm down a little bit.

I'm gonna get you
that pink slip right now.

- Carlos!
- We're doing this.

I have to... Here, have some of this.
No one needs to know.

Don't even bother.
You're not talking me out of this.

I'm not here to talk you
out of anything.

Check in this drawer.

Carlos, I wanna apologise
for the way I've been acting.

I mean, here you are,
trying to turn your life around,

and all I can think about are
my stupid jealousy issues.

Yeah, well,
let's just get back down there.

No, I mean it, I'm sorry.

I wanna be a better person too.

I'm sick of being bad.

Forgive me?

You're not a bad person.

Really?

No, of course not.

That's so sweet.

I feel so close to you right now.

Gabby.

I'm sorry, I guess I am bad.

But, we got a nun downstairs.

She can wait five minutes.
We're giving her a car.

- Here. Here.
- OK.

- Hey, Pat, what's going on?
- I'm not sure.

Ed keeps calling people into his office.

I think people are getting fired.

Lynette?

Yeah.

Lynette...

...Nina's out, you're in.
You're our new VP of accounts.

I... am?

I gave her the axe,
along with other people.

Why? What happened?

Our pal Stu filed a sexual harassment
suit against the company.

He did what?

Hired a fancy lawyer
who threatened to go to the press.

I had no choice but to pay him off.
He had a video of him and Nina together.

OK, I get Nina.

But why are you firing everybody else?

Stu's taking us to the cleaners.

If I don't cut back, the next round
of paycheques are gonna bounce.

Oh, God.

Ed, I am so sorry.

It's not your fault.

We'll get through this.

You and me,

together.

Can you run to the art department?
Someone's got to can Jeff and Elizabeth.

Yeah! Sure, I'II... I'm gonna go
and take care of that.

Hey. Congratulations.

This...

...is not what I wanted.

I just wanted you to be nicer.

You know what? I used to be nice.

But our boss...

I'm sorry, your boss...

...is incompetent and selfish

and has the attention span of a poodle.

I mean, from day one,
I've been the only one around here

keeping this place from crumbling
down around his stupid ears.

Oh, Nina, come on.

This is the truth, here.

"Nice" is a luxury that I gave up

along with vacations,

and relationships,
and eating at home.

This job sucks you dry.

So you better kiss those four
little kiddies of yours goodbye.

Because you have just adopted
the neediest little child in the world.

Here.

You're gonna need this
more than I do.

Hi.

Carlos will be down in a little while.

We had an intense talk.

He's resting.

Yeah, I overheard
some of your..."talk".

Sorry.

He's such an animal.

But since we have a couple
minutes, why don't we chat?

Look, I don't mean any disrespect.

It's just, now that Carlos is home,
we need to get back on our routine.

And we can't do that if he keeps running
off to church and charity bake sales.

We need "us" time.
Do you know what I mean?

I do.

Oh, good, good.

So it would really help our marriage
if you just backed off for a while.

OK?

No.

I said no.

I know what you said.
I'm wondering why you said it.

Carlos is a diamond in the rough.

A flawed man, to be sure,

but someone desperately searching
for something to believe in.

To satisfy your materialism,
he ended up breaking the law.

To deal with your adultery,
he resorted to assault.

As long as he's with you, he
will never find what he's looking for.

He should have thought of that
before he married me.

Some marriages are meant to be annulled.

What the hell kind of nun are you?

If you try to come between me
and my husband, I will take you down.

I grew up on the South Side of Chicago.

If you want to threaten me, you're gonna
have to do a lot better than that.

You listen to me, you little bitch.

You do not want to start a war with me.

I have God on my side.

Bring it on.

You called for a bellman?

There's a charity dinner
taking place downstairs.

My friend, Bree Van De Kamp,
is one of the co-chairs.

Give her this note and walk away.

If she comes up
in the elevator, call me.

Do you think you can do that?

Yes, sir.

Excuse me, ma'am?

- Yes?
- I was asked to give this to you.

Oh, thank you.

Barton.

This is Bree Van De Kamp. I need
to talk to you about George Williams.

I was getting ready to call you,
Mrs Van De Kamp.

My men are at his house now

and they've uncovered
evidence that suggests...

...Mr Williams was responsible
for your husband's death.

What?

Yeah, we found...
Rex's prescription bottles

and doctored potassium pills,

as well as some...
disturbing diary entries.

Mrs Van De Kamp?

Hello, sir?

Yes, she's on her way up.

Thank you very much.

She loves me.

She loves me not.

She loves me.

She loves me not.

She loves me.

Operator, this is a bit embarrassing,

but I've... I've swallowed
some pills by mistake.

You need to call an ambulance.

...they were... they were just vitamins.

Yes. False alarm. I'm fine.

Door's open.

Hey.

What were you thinking,
taking the pills?

I didn't hurt Dr Goldfine.

For you to...

...think me capable of...

...that sort of...

...violence...

George?

George!

I'm sorry. It's the pills.

Why are you telling me this?

Because maybe I don't have to die.

I could face the police,

knowing that you
would be there for me...

...that you'd stay my friend.

Then I'll have something to live for.

And then we'll call an ambulance
and they'll pump your stomach?

Yes.

I want to help you.

But in order to do that,
I need to forgive you, and...

...I can't do that until
you admit what you've done.

I didn't push Goldfine.

Yes, you did.

But that's not what I'm talking about.

You killed Rex.

But I know it wasn't totally
your fault because you're not well.

So if you'll just be honest with me...

...I can forgive you.

It'll be the hardest thing
I've ever done, but I'll do it.

But you have to...

...you have to tell me the truth.

Look, I'm in trouble here.

We need to call someone.

Not until you admit what you've done.

I love you.

Anything I may have done,
I did for you.

Because you wanted me to.

You know you did.

We need to phone an ambulance.

I...

...called them while you were asleep.

They're already on their way.

It's not always that easy

to distinguish
the good guys from the bad guys.

Sinners can surprise you.

And the same is true for saints.

Why do we try to define people
as simply good or simply evil?

Because no one wants to admit

that compassion and cruelty
can live side by side in one heart.

And that anyone is capable...

...of anything.