Desperate Housewives (2004–2012): Season 2, Episode 5 - They Asked Me Why I Believe in You - full transcript

Susan helps her dear friend in financial trouble; Lynette is forced to go out to bars with her man-hungry boss; Bree is allowed to re-bury Rex; Gabrielle hires David Bradley to defend ...

- Previously on Desperate Housewives:
- Police dug up your father.

They think somebody poisoned him.
Apparently, I'm a suspect.

Bree felt threatened by the past.

- Get the lawyer.
- You hitting on me?

Gabrielle was threatened by seduction.

Julie? If I come back,
I could make it up to her.

You should try to find
your father first. Let me help.

And while some threats...

...were kept under control...

Let's get this over with.

...some were left free to return.

...the old-fashioned way,
a Russian classic.

Since her first day on the job,
it had been clear to Lynette Scavo

that her new boss, Nina,
was unusually... tense.

To help relieve her tension, Lynette
tried giving her boss thoughtful gifts:

A soothing wave machine...

...aromatherapy candles...

...even meditative chi balls.

But nothing seemed
to ease Nina's tension.

"Distilled the old-fashioned way."

You know, it actually hurts
my teeth to say that out loud.

You folks are going
to toddle back to your little holes

and come up with a decent slogan,

or I will can all your asses,
the old-fashioned way.

Until one day,
when it occurred to Lynette...

...there was one form
of relaxation she had yet to try.

It's a gimlet. You'll love it.

What exactly is your plan,

to get me all liquored up
so I'll buy the revised pitch?

Don't be ridiculous.
Could we get a trough of these, please?

I can't remember
the last time I was in a bar.

Must have been the last time
I had a boyfriend, which was...

Oh, God, I'm a nun.

So why don't you go out
and get in the game?

Believe it or not,

when it comes to meeting men,
I am... shy.

Well, I'm not.

So, what about that guy over there?

He's been checking you out
since we walked in.

- He's cute.
- So go over there.

- No.
- Oh, for God's sakes.

Where are you going? Lynette, sit...

Hey, stretch.

See my friend over there?

She thinks you're cute.

Why don't you buy her a drink?

Hey, everybody. Hi.

Oh, it's a beautiful morning, isn't it?

Thank you, sweetie.

Oh, hey, Lynette,
I read the new vodka proposal.

- You guys hit it out of the park.
- Wow.

- I love that colour.
- Thanks.

- Hey, Nina.
- Yeah.

And although it had come about
in an unexpected manner...

Are those the clothes you
wore last night in the bar?


...Nina's tension
had finally been released...

...the old-fashioned way.

Everyone in this world needs
someone they can depend upon.

Be it a faithful companion...

...trusted confidante...

...or loyal friend.

For Susan Mayer,
that dependable someone

was her book agent, Lonnie Moon.

It was Lonnie who helped Susan
promote her first children's book.

It was Lonnie who rushed Susan to
the hospital the night Julie was born.

It was Lonnie who took Susan's mind
off her painful divorce

with a fun vacation.

Yes, Lonnie was Susan's rock.

Sadly, for Susan,
her rock was about to crumble.

...for their friends and for her family.

For those of you joining us, a
development in the Melanie Foster case.

- Lonnie! What are you doing here?
- It's past noon.

Which means it's now
socially acceptable to begin drinking.

I can't believe I let you talk me
into this. I am so behind in my work.

But I'm glad I came. This is fun.

I've gotta be honest.
I had an ulterior motive.

I've decided to start my own agency.

You're leaving Muir & Hunt?

You helped build that place.

I know, but I just feel it's time.

And now the question is,
will you come with me?

Well, of course.

OK! To the future!

I'll just call the agency
and let them know I'm going with you.

Oh, I don't think that's necessary.


Yeah, I think it might be rude not to.

Lonnie, what's going on?


There's been some bad blood
between me and the partners.


I got into this thing
where I had to move

a little client money around temporarily
to cover some expenses.

You had to move money?
What does that mean?

I took a little from here,
and I moved it there.

It was no big deal.

Really? Because it
sort of sounds like embezzlement.

Why do people keep using that word?

- Who else is using that word?
- Nobody.

The partners
and their forensic accountant.

Oh, my God.

Lonnie, did you move some of my money?

Absolutely not! I swear!

Susan, don't look at me that way.

I know what I did was wrong, and I
feel like a complete idiot for doing it.

But please, please, don't hate me.

I don't hate you. I couldn't hate you.
You're my Lonnie.


Will you still come with me?

You know what?

This is one of those times when
you find out who your real friends are.

So... yeah.

Thank you, thank you!

You are one special lady, Susan Mayer!

- Is that the baby's head?
- No, that's his foot.

That looks like a head to me.

Well, that settles it.

When this baby's born I'll be
in charge of putting on the socks.

You're glowing today, you know that?

- Pregnancy agrees with you.
- Yeah?

Well, if you don't mind the haemorrhoids
and the nausea, it's quite the party.

Wonder where David is.
He should have been here by now.

- So this new lawyer's good?
- He's quite the shark.

You're gonna love him.
He hasn't lost a case in six years,

he argued in front
of the state Supreme Court

and he made our conjugal visit
happen pretty damn fast.

Well, hey, I'm a fan already.

Sorry I'm late.

Oh, David.

Good to see you, Gabby.

Carlos, I'm David.

I don't think so.

What the hell are you doing?

That guy's not gonna be my lawyer.

Find a new one.

You haven't filed a single charge!

Either determine a homicide
or release the body.

We got a court order which says
until we're done, the corpse is ours!

He is not a corpse!
He is a man named Rex Van De Kamp.

He was a loving husband, a devoted
father and a successful doctor.

So successful, in fact, that he left me
enough money to sue the city,

this precinct and you two gentlemen
personally, just for the fun of it.

Mrs Van De Kamp, we don't respond
well to threats. If I were you...

Release the body.


The evidence we have is minimal at best.

She was gracious enough
to take that lie detector test.

It's the least we can do for her.

Thank you.

So, what will happen now?

Obviously, we'll put Mr Van De Kamp
back just like we found him.

Yes, and I'm sure you will bury him
with all the dignity of a dead hamster.

No. I want Rex released to me,
and I will make all the arrangements.


And, of course,
you'll be paying all the costs.

Of course.

Detective Barton,
you are clearly a gentleman.

People have gathered at Attenborough
High School, where Melanie...

No, it's fine.
I'll pick them up on my way home.

OK, so, what do you want?

Oh, Parker hates pepperoni.
How about sausage?

Yeah, and a small cheese.

OK. Perfect. Love ya.

- Hey, you.
- Hey.

You wanna hit O'Donnell's?
I owe you a beer.

Actually, I owe you
so much more than that.

You're welcome.
But I need to get home.

Oh, come on.
I had such a good time last night.

Ask Trudy. She loves going out.

Trudy? Are you kidding?
I don't need the competition.

Have you seen Trudy
without her jacket? She's hot.

- Oh, is she now?
- Oh, no.

I didn't mean that you're not hot.

I just... You're married.

You're off the market. I don't have
to worry about fighting you for guys.

Come on, Lynette,
just one quick little drink.

I was actually starting to think
that you and I were becoming pals.

Pals? Because
sometimes it's hard to tell.

You know,
I wasn't feeling the love today

when you mocked my campaign
in front of the clients.

That was just
putting on a show for work.

In the future, always assume
that I'm winking inside.

Come on, I hate to go to a bar alone.
I feel like such a loser.

OK. One drink.

Yeah, one or two.


Thank you so much
for bringing my mail over.

You know, I have
some of yours in the kitchen.

That's the fourth time.
What's up with this postman?

I know. He used to be great.

Then he had the stroke, and...

Well, now we're lucky
if he doesn't drool on the coupons.

But feel free to snoop around.
I'll be right back.

Now, for those of you just joining us,

families in Chicago
breathed a sigh of relief today

as an arrest was finally made
in the brutal attack

on local high school student,
Melanie Foster.

But word of the suspect's capture comes
as small comfort to the Foster family...


...who lost their 17-year-old daughter
four months ago.


...less than a mile
from Attenborough High.

Did you see the news?
They've arrested somebody.

Yeah. Looks like we're in the clear.

Well, I have some good news. The police
have finally released Rex's body.

- About time!
- You must be so relieved.

I'm just annoyed the whole thing
happened in the first place.

I mean, how in the world
could anybody accuse me of murder?

Well, you are wound pretty tight.

What? The supermom is always
the first to snap. They've done studies.

I was hoping that you
were all free Friday morning

because that's when I'm going
to be hosting the re-burial.

The what?

I know it's an imposition,
but Danielle is away on a class trip,

and Andrew is back at Camp Hennessey
for a little refresher course.

Well, it's just gonna be a very brief
and dignified ceremony.

And I was hoping
that you could say a few words,

and I'm gonna read a poem.

- We would love to come.
- Absolutely.

I'm busy. Sorry.

- Edie.
- She's going to read a poem.

Fine. Yes, yes, we'd all love to come.

Well, thank you.

You don't know
how much this means to me.

I realised, looking back,
that I was still in shock

during Rex's first funeral.

I don't think it had quite hit me yet
what had happened.

So that's why this small ceremony
means so much to me,

because I realise now that...

...this is the last chance
I'm gonna have to say goodbye.

Unless, of course,
they dig him up again.

Sure, there was times
when Lisa was rude and obnoxious,

but I know now that that was no excuse
to always be beating on her.

Baby, I'm just so sorry.

Good job, you two.

This is an example of how
to use incarceration to your benefit.

It's a chance for people
to take a step back

and observe the obstacles
they face in their marriage.

Can I go now?

I have a lot to say about the obstacles
I'm facing in my marriage.

- We don't got any obstacles.
- Yes, we do, Lamar. We got big ones!

OK. Hold on, you two. I think
that it's Carlos and Gabrielle's turn.

Thanks, but we're good.

This is your third group session,
but you have yet to share anything.

Come on. Talk to us.

How's your marriage?

Shaky, at best.

And why is that?

I don't know. I hired a brilliant lawyer
to get my husband out of this hellhole,

and he fired him for no reason at all.


- I just didn't like him.
- Why not?

He's experienced,
intelligent, successful...

I'd prefer an attorney
you didn't find so appealing.

Oh, my God! You fired him
because you're jealous?

Don't I have the right to?
You know, she cheated on me.

You beat your wife!
You are not allowed to gasp.

Don't you talk that way to him.

One more word,
and I will backhand you.

- OK. Calm down.
- Thousands of fat, bald attorneys,

and she gets one that looks
like an underwear model.

I'm not discussing this anymore.
You can rot in here for all I care!

So... Mona, what do you feel are
the biggest problems in your marriage?

He was wearing a suit.
How do you know he had a good body?

- Do you know?
- No!

I bet he's hot.

Do I need to say
what our biggest problem is?

Or can everybody
figure it out for themselves?

Why are you reading that contract?

I told you. Lonnie wants me
to sign with his new agency.

But you didn't say you were seriously
thinking about going with him.

I know. I know.

It's just, Lonnie's family. You know,
he's always been there for me.

He paid my rent when I was
waiting for my first royalty cheque.

He called me every day when Karl left.
I mean, I just owe him so much.

Susan, he committed a felony.

OK, who in this room has not
committed a felony, raise your hand.

- Not so fast.
- Your agent represents you.

You got to be able to trust him.
How's that gonna be possible now?

Well, it's possible
because I have faith in people.

I mean, Lonnie knows he messed up,
and he's sorry. He's making restitution.

You don't believe people
deserve second chances?

Not when they messed up this much. No.

Really? So that's it with you?

You just get one shot,
and you screw up, and you're out?

I didn't know you were such a cynic.

I'm sorry, all right?
I guess it's just the way I'm wired.

But I got a job over in Greenwood,
so I'll call you later tonight.

You OK?


I did something bad.
Something really, really bad.

Aren't you gonna ask me what it was?

Do I ever have to?

Last week when Mike and I went
to the park, searching for Zach...

...I sort of found him.

- No!
- Yes!

And I gave him money,
and I sent him away.

And I didn't tell Mike.

- Holy crap. What are you gonna do?
- I don't know.

What would you do
if this happened to you?

This would never happen to me.
This kind of thing only happens to you.

Will you stop judging and help me?

Obviously, you have to tell him.

I can't do that. You heard what he
said about his wiring. I betrayed him.

- He'll never forgive me.
- OK. Don't tell him.

Well, how can I not? I feel so guilty,

I can barely look him in the eye
when he talks about Zach.

So, where do you think Zach went?


Oh, Lord. Why did I do this?

I have a feeling you did it for me.

Hey, girl. I hope you
are in the mood for margaritas

because it is salsa night
at O'Donnell's.

Oh, fun. But I can't go tonight,

because I promised the twins I would
help them finish their science project.

Lynette, if the late hours
are going to be an issue for you,

we probably should talk about finding
you a less demanding account.

You're gonna take me off Kamarov
because I won't go drinking with you?

No. Oh... God, no.
Honey, I get it. You have a family.

Home has to come first for you.

Thank you.

I mean, for me, the client comes first.

Being a perfectionist is my own neurotic
issue, and I need to work on that.

But trust me, I will never sleep again
if this campaign gets mucked up.

I'll figure something out.
You go home, have a good night.



I can handle the extra hours.

Oh, Lynette. You sure?

- Yeah.
- I'll get my coat.

Wow, this place is rowdy
after happy hour, huh?

- Yeah.
- Hey.

Look at that guy, right there,
the end of the bar?

The shoulders with the tan jacket?

- Yeah?
- Go get him for me.

Hey, there.

So they're going on
about Melanie Foster on the news.

It's time we talked about her, Caleb.

Until you start accepting responsibility
for what happened,

you know I can't let you out of here.

What the hell is this? Mom!

Where are you?

I'll be right back.

And I will expect you to answer me.

Where are you?

I'm coming! Coming!

- What were you gonna do with this?
- Don't.

"I know who killed Melanie Foster.

You arrested the wrong man."
What are you thinking?

- The police need to know the truth.
- The hell they do! This is our chance!

We are good people.
We can't let an innocent man go to jail.

Wanna do the right thing?
Call 911 and tell them

- you got a killer in the basement.
- He is not a killer.

He was confused.

He didn't know what he was doing.

He knows a lot more
than you give him credit for.

I'm mailing the letter.

Do you realise what's gonna happen?

Mom, are you thinking this through?

I'm mailing the letter.

If you do, you better
hope to God they don't find us.

Cos they're not gonna care
how slow Caleb is.

They'll just execute him.

Lonnie! Are you here? It's Susan.


Susan? What are you doing here?

Well, I just came over
to give you the contracts.

Your door was open.


Sorry this place is such a mess.

I've been working here
till we get the new offices painted.

Wait till you see them.
They're gonna be really beautiful.

Where is Jeannie?

She's with the kids up in Minnesota,
visiting her mom.

They love it up there.

Keep changing the date on dear old Dad.

- There's no electricity.
- There isn't?

Oh, I'm such a dummy.

I've been...

I've been so swamped. I must
have forgotten to pay the electric bill.

Lonnie... much financial trouble
are you really in?

I'm fine.

You know what it is? I had to pay all
those people back at the same time,

restitution plus interest.
It's not something I'd recommend.

It sucks you dry.

I'm gonna ask you a question,
and I want you to tell me the truth.

Did you steal from me?

Absolutely not.

Please, don't lie. Just tell me.

Is that what you want to hear?

Do I have to say it
so that we can move on?

Fine. I did it.

But yours was the first money I paid
back, so the slate's been wiped clean.

Let's just move past it.


I'm sorry.
I just can't trust you anymore.

- Yes, you can!
- No, I can't.

- You can.
- Can't.

- Give me the contract!
- No!

OK. OK, fine.

What are you doing? Are you
trying to take me down with you?

I am not going down!

My life is great!

I have never been happier,
and I've never been thinner!

Get off me, you Amazon!

- What are you doing here?
- You left me a message.

You said you wanted to talk.

Yeah. I thought you'd schedule
an appointment later.

Right now I'm sort of
disgusting and sweaty.

I'm a criminal lawyer. I've seen worse.

So, did you find a new lawyer
for Mr Charming?

I don't want a new lawyer. I want you.

So does Carlos.
He just doesn't realise it yet.

A 1988 Roman?e Conti La T?che.
I'm impressed.

Look, to be honest,
Carlos is a little threatened by you.

He thinks if we spend too much time
together, that something...

...might happen.

Somebody's got an active imagination.


David, we're not here to drink wine.
OK? This is business.

Now, you have to convince Carlos
that he can trust you.

How am I gonna do that?

I don't know. Tell him
you're happily married or gay.

Yeah, right.

You're a lawyer. You lie to juries
all the time. Make something up.

I'm past the point in my career
where I have to beg for work.

OK, David, I'm holding my marriage
together by my fingernails.

If Carlos serves his full sentence,
we won't make it. So please, I need you.

I'll say this much for Carlos.
He's got excellent taste... wine.

Montrachet. It's good stuff.

Are you gonna help me or not?

We'll go see Carlos tomorrow.
I'll turn him around for you.

Really? What are you gonna say?

I'll play it by ear.

I don't want to sound
too over-rehearsed.

Hey, that's my wine.

Deduct it from my bill.

It all started
with bad real estate investments.

You should have just come clean.

Yeah, well, you tell one lie,
the second one comes easy.

Then you're making up new lies
to cover up the old ones.

Pretty soon
you can't turn back, you know?

I do.

When Jeannie finally caught on, she
took the kids, she took the furniture.

The bank locked me out of my own house.


That's why I can't lose you as a client.

Well, I'm sorry, but you have.

I don't blame you.

You'll never lose my friendship, though.

I mean that.

- Really?
- Of course.

You're my Lonnie.

And you're my Susie.

You're my Susie.

What the hell is wrong with you?

- I'm your Lonnie! That's what you said!
- Not like that!

I thought... I mean,
there's always been this magnetism...

No. There has not been,
and there never will be.

Oh, my God!

But I was just coming clean!

Hey, Morgan!

Got a letter from some guy
claiming he attacked Melanie Foster.

You ran me down for that?

I got dozens of kooks
coming out of the woodwork,

saying we arrested the wrong guy.

This one knows about the axe.

Here you go, Mrs Van De Kamp.

Thank you. The hearse is right
outside, so if you'll just follow me...

Shoot. There's a form I need you to
sign. I think I left it in the office.

- That's all right, I'll wait.
- OK.

I'm here, sweetheart.

And I'm gonna take care of everything.

But you knew that, didn't you? You've
always known that you can count on me.

Mrs Van De Kamp.

Detective Barton.
What are you doing here?

Oh, just taking care of some business.

- Is this?
- Yes.

This is Rex.

I want to thank you again
for what you did.

It was so refreshing
to be treated with kindness

after weeks of just
ludicrous accusations.

The doctor doesn't
think they're ludicrous.

I know, but Rex died in his care.

Of course he'd like
to blame someone else.

But the tests he did...

Oh, please don't talk to me about tests.
Rex was not poisoned.

And no one I know believes that he was.

Rex did.


Well, the doctor told Rex he was
being poisoned and Rex believed him.

How would you know that?

Where did you get this?

We found that in Rex's bed after he
died. That is his handwriting, isn't it?

You know what I think?

Rex felt guilty
for the way he'd treated you.

The adultery, the public humiliations.

That's why he forgave you.
He understood why you did it.

How could he have believed this?

Look, my wife cheated on me too.
I know how much it hurts.

And so will a judge.
Everyone understands crimes of passion.

But every day that you stonewall

makes you look more and more
like a cold, calculating killer.

We both know that's not you.

But I can't help you
unless you start telling the truth.

I'm sorry, but I... I have to go.

I have some things
that I need to take care of.

It is obvious your husband
loved you very much.

Don't you think you
owe it to him to admit the truth?

I know exactly what my husband deserves.
Now, would you be a dear?

Thank you.

What's he doing here?

I have a pitch for you.

I want to explain
why it's in your best interest

for you to allow me to represent you.

Oh, for Pete's sake, Carlos.
At least listen to the man.

I guess it beats sitting in my cell.

I don't think you have
a problem with me as a lawyer.

Clearly, I'm the real deal.

I sense your problem
with me is more personal.

You sense right.

You want to know if I'm interested
in sleeping with your wife.

Well, the answer is yes.

Carlos, he's kidding.

- Tell him you're kidding.
- Shut it.

Now clearly, Gabrielle is wilful,
self-centred and manipulative.

But she's also beautiful enough
to be worth the trouble.

The minute we leave this room,
I'll aggressively pursue her.

When I succeed, which I will,
we'll fly to my chateau in Chamonix

and have dinner at a local bistro.
They make the best raclette in Europe.

We'll make love by the fire
and do a little midnight skiing.

You ski, don't you?

You're athletic. You'll learn.

Anyway, all of this
only happens if you fire me.

Keep me on as your lawyer,
your wife's off-limits.

I'd get disbarred
for sleeping with a client's wife.

Nobody's worth that, not even her.

So that's my pitch.

I'll let you think about it.

Honey, I am so sorry.
Obviously, that guy's insane.

Well, you just can't wait, can you?


He's my lawyer.

- Carlos...
- That's all there is to it.

- How about a dance?
- How about it?


Well, you guys have fun.

This is the fifth night in a row I
haven't been home to tuck in my kids.

- So I'm gonna go.
- No, you're gonna stay put.

It is Friday night, and you have
all weekend to play with your kids.

Watch my purse.

Hey, I'm Chuck.

Chuck, I'm gonna stop you right there.

Happily married.

Well, looks like we

have got something in common.

Chuck, get your hand off my thigh.

No, not up my thigh. Off it.

What's the matter with you? I'm
not available. And I'm not that easy!

What are you doing
in a pickup bar at 10.30?

Well, I don't usually do this.

Oh, come on, honey, who are you kidding?

I've seen you here every night
this week. You're a regular.

At that moment, it occurred to Lynette
that Chuck, though inebriated,

had a valid point.

The time had come to declare
a war of independence.

And the surest path
to victory would require

an aggressive campaign

of shock and awe.

It's crazy here tonight.

Don't you wanna dance?

No, thanks,
I think I'll sit this one out.

Lynette savoured her victory,
confident that she would never again

have to engage her opponent
on this particular battlefield.

I love this song. Here, hold my purse.

Bree, where have you been?
We were getting worried.

I'm sorry. I was just attending to some
last-minute details. Right this way.

- Where are we going?
- To Rex's gravesite.

- I thought this was his gravesite.
- I'm changing it.

- Why?
- He did something to upset me,

- and I want him gone.
- What did he do?

It's so unpleasant.
I'd rather not get into it.

Have you seen these gravestones?
Some are from the 1800s.

Just fascinating.

Bree, wait. You're gonna
have to explain. Rex is dead.

What could he have done to upset you?

My husband, the man
I spent my life with for 18 years,

died thinking that I murdered him.

- What?
- Yes.

The cardiologist shared this moronic
theory with Rex, and Rex believed him.

Are you sure?

Yes, because he left a note,
and it said, and I quote,

"Bree, I understand, and I forgive you."

I spent 18 years
of my life with this man.

How could he not know me?

Well, maybe he was forgiving you
for something else.

I have done nothing to be forgiven for!

I was a fantastic wife!

When he was sick, I nursed him.

When we were low on money,
I stayed within a budget.

I cooked his meals.
I mended his clothes.

For the love of God,
I used to check his back for acne!

And that miserable son of a bitch

has the nerve
to understand and forgive me?

Well, the joke's on him because I do
not understand, and I do not forgive!

Hi. We're...

We're just going to a funeral.

Right this way.

I know you're hurt, but are you sure
you're not gonna change your mind?

There's no turning back after this.

You think I'm gonna lay next to someone
who thinks I'm a murderer, you're crazy.

As far as I'm concerned,
let him decompose with strangers.

Everyone in the world needs
someone they can depend on.

Be they faithful friends...

...warrant for numerous armed robberies.

...determined advocates...

...or a loving family.

But occasionally in life,

the people we thought would
always be there for us leave.

And if that happens,

it's amazing the lengths we'll go to

to get them back.