Desperate Housewives (2004–2012): Season 2, Episode 22 - No One Is Alone - full transcript

When Susan hears from Edie she took revenge by burning down her house, Mike accepts to help Susan by planting a wire to tape a confession. Now Andrew is out of the picture, Bree is ...

Previously on Desperate Housewives:

On his last three trips east,

he cashed in his first-class ticket
and took a detour to Atlantic City.

Lynette received some disturbing news...

- He said it was OK to kiss her.
- What else did your brother tell you?

Caleb revealed a secret...

Susan made a first-class confession...

You're gonna leave me out here?

I can't be around you anymore.
I'm just not strong enough.

And Bree made the most
difficult decision of her life.

Susan Mayer had always believed
the one good thing about hard times

is that you get to find out
who your friends really are.

When her grandmother died,

it was Bree who brought
homemade cookies.

When the critics panned her third book,

it was Gabrielle who hired
the handsome masseur.

When her divorce became final,
it was Lynette who poured the Scotch.

Sadly, Susan's life
had been shattered once again.

But, as always, her friends had come
to help pick up the pieces.

Susan, we've all been talking

and we've decided you and Julie
should stay with Bree.

Oh, thanks. No, that's OK.
We'll stay in a motel.

Absolutely not. Just give me an hour
to straighten up Andrew's room

and then you can
bring your... selves over.

- I don't deserve friends like you.
- We're aware of that.

Susan, we're running low on trash bags.

- I'm going to run to the store.
- Thanks, Orson. Thanks for coming.

- You know, you didn't have to do this.
- Hey, it's my pleasure.

Mrs Mayer?

Hi. Bud Penrod.
Town and Country Insurance.

- "The Can-Do People."
- Oh, it's nice to meet you.

Yeah. Look at that.

- Well, that's no fun at all, is it?
- No. No, it isn't.

When am I gonna get the cheque?

I have a lot of rebuilding to do.
I need to get started.

I'm afraid that's going to be a while.

You see, the fire department
has ruled that this was arson.

- Arson?
- Yeah.

We can't give you any money
until we finish our investigation.

- Who'd want to burn down my house?
- I don't know.

Do you have any enemies?


No, look, the whole neighbourhood
turned out to help.

I'm very popular.

And there's no one among them
that wishes you ill?

Oh, no. No.
Everybody's been very helpful.

Everybody likes me. Absolutely...


Yes, hard times were what Susan used

to distinguish who was a friend
and who wasn't.

Not everyone enjoys being
a small part of a large community.

Indeed, some yearn
to leave the stress and noise

of constant companionship behind them.

So they strike out on their own,

hoping their solitude will bring
a little peace and quiet.

It's only then they discover
how dangerous it is

to be alone in the world.

Zach? Did you get the trash?

- How'd you get in here?
- Hi, Paul.

I stood at the back door shouting.
Were you in the little boys' room?

- I'm calling the police.
- I needed to borrow some flour.

I'm a little bit psychic and I predict
fresh baked cookies in your future.


- What did she want?
- She was in the cupboard.

Get a bag.
We're throwing everything away.

You think she was trying to poison us?

All I know is,
we're eating out tonight.

What do you want?

This is a little awkward,

and I apologise in advance
for how this is gonna sound,


By any chance,
did you burn down my house?

- Yes.
- What?

Yes, I burned down your house
you sleazy little whore.

Edie! Why would you do that?

Can you blame me,
after sending me that acid letter?

Letter? What letter?

The one where you admitted to stabbing
me in the back by sleeping with Karl.

You weren't supposed to get that.
I stole that back from the mailman.

So you were trying
to hide the truth from me?

This is not what we should
focus on right now.

The point is,
you maliciously set fire to my house.

Look, I admit I might have
overreacted a tad.

A tad? Edie, I have no roof!

You can't just go around
burning down people's homes!

Why not? You burned down my home.
You stole Mike from me.

You slept with my fianc?!
That's the trifecta.

You're lucky I didn't torch your car.

That's it. I'm going to the police
and I'm telling them what you did.

Did what? I didn't do anything.

What? You just confessed.

No, I didn't.
Did anyone else hear me confess?

Hello? Hello?

No witnesses... evidence, no confession.

I guess we're done here.
You can go home now.

Oh, wait. That's right.

You don't have one.

No, no, Xiao Mei,
I've told you a million times.

No red meat for Mr Solis.

My triglycerides are through the roof.

Sweetie, I need some more cream.

Xiao Mei, what's wrong?

- She smell.
- Who smells? Gabby?

Excuse me, what?

- Her perfume make me sick.
- Honey, it's a 100 bucks an ounce.

That tends to make everyone
a little nauseous.

Xiao Mei, your boobs, are they tender?


Her boobs are none of your business!

Gabby, think.

She's sensitive to smell,
nauseous, and has swollen breasts.

Well, I just ran her blood work.

Looks like the insemination
was successful.

Oh, my God!
We're going to have a baby!

Now, you should know, since
she is experiencing early symptoms,

this might be a tough pregnancy for her.

Not a problem.
We're gonna treat her like a queen.

You have nothing to worry about here.

- Oh, Mrs Solis, you smell.
- Yeah, OK, sorry.

It's going to be a kick
having Susan and Julie stay with us.

It'll be like living in a sorority.

We'll stay up late
and we'll gossip and make s'mores.

Doesn't that sound like fun?

Why are you pretending to be happy?

I heard you walking around your room
all night long.


I don't want to talk about it.

Look, I know why you're worried,
but Andrew can take care of himself.

And, if he can't,
he shouldn't have run away.

Know what? Maybe
Andrew leaving will be good for us.

You are all I have left

and I am gonna be
the best mother that I can be.

There's definitely room for improvement.

It's just... kind of forgot my birthday.

- What?
- Yeah.

It was six weeks ago.

Oh, my God, Danielle. I'm so sorry!

It's OK. You had a lot going on.

I mean, Andrew was suing you,

and you were pretty wasted that month.

Honey, you got to let me
make it up to you.

I'm gonna throw you a birthday party
with all your friends, OK?

That could be cool.

- You know what else I'd like?
- Name it. It's yours.

I want Andrew's room.

You said he's probably not coming back.
And I could use the extra closet space.

But, sweetheart, this is his room.

Mom, you forgot my birthday.

You're really in
no position to negotiate.

Honey, where am I
gonna put all of his things?

And, you know,
he might come back at some point.

He won't.

Like you said, I'm all you have left.

- Atlantic City?
- Yeah, it's last minute,

but Jerry got a deal on a suite
at one of the casinos

and a bunch of the old gang
is coming in from New York.

And, God, it's been forever
since I've been,

- so how could I turn that down?
- Yeah. How, indeed?

- What?
- I didn't say anything.

No, but you have that look.

- Is something wrong?
- No.

I know you've been to Atlantic City
three times in the last month

without telling me.
Ed found receipts when he did the audit.

Other than that, no, nothing's wrong.

It would be better for your well-being

if you did not laugh
at this moment in time.

Am I gonna have to ruin the surprise?
Because it's a really good surprise.

I'm thinking, yeah, ruin it.

I have been going
to Atlantic City for business.

I'm up for a top spot with Jerry's firm,
Huffington Promotions.

And if you don't believe me,

you can call the CEO himself.

I am so happy... and I'm so relieved.

- Did you think I was cheating?
- No! Absolutely not.

- Lynette...
- No!

OK, a little bit.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Ed found receipts
for flowers and theatre tickets.

- I mean, by the way, did you...
- Jerry and I went to a show,

and the flowers were for Milt's wife.

I knew that.
You didn't have to tell me that.

- Why'd you buy flowers for Milt's wife?
- Lynette.

Sorry. Stop. Done talking.

That's fantastic.

- I love you.
- I love you.


What's going on?

Xiao Mei was feeling under the weather
so I took up the vacuuming.

I'm sorry to hear that.

Did you move my beauty products?
They're not in the bathroom.

Why in the hell...

I forgot to tell you.

You can't use that stuff anymore.

It triggers Xiao Mei's morning sickness.

All of it? Even my hair pomade?

- Gives me stomach ache.
- Well, it gives me volume.

So I guess we're both
gonna have a problem.

- Do you have to be high-maintenance?
- You married a model.

- Maintenance is my only skill.
- Please. No fight.

If Mrs Solis smell bad, I be OK.

Fine. I'll learn
to live without product.

But when my hair starts
smelling like hair,

I don't wanna hear a word.


- What the hell is that?
- Isn't it darling?

I made it for your party.

It's a big one and a big seven. For 17.

- Were you up all night making that?
- Yeah, I just wasn't tired.

I want to show you
what else I have planned.

I think you're gonna love it.

- You got a fajita bar and a juggler?
- Relax. He's a very hip juggler.

He only performs to Beatles songs.
I saw the video and it's thrilling.

Mom, I don't want any of this stuff.

- It's not my real birthday.
- Danielle,

I just want you to have the best party
you have ever had in your entire life.

I just want a few friends
to come over and hang out.

You can make a cake,
but giant balloon numbers?

I mean, come on,
they would all make fun of me.


Is that really necessary?

Honey, I can't possibly
put it in the garbage as is.

It's just another morning
with the Van De Kamps.

Oh, Susan. Did I wake you?

No. No, I was up.

Well, I'm sorry about the noise,

it's just that Danielle
doesn't want balloons

and I'm kind of pressed for time.

Bree, are you OK?

She said she doesn't want balloons.

I'm fine.


Look, I know you're out there.
Please just talk to me.

Mom, I need something to drink.

Just some water, juice.
Something, anything. Please.


You want me to say I set Caleb up?

Yeah, I did it.

I started thinking about
all those years...

Years that we had to take care of him.

I just thought, maybe,
once he was gone...

...we could have a normal life.

And I'm sorry.

But Mom, you have got
to let me out of here... now.


You were willing to stand by and let me
murder your brother without reason.

That's an unforgivable betrayal.

I am so consumed with rage,
it's best you stay in there,

because if I let you out,
I don't know what I might do to you.

- Hello?
- I need Edie to spill her guts.

What do you know
about wearing a wire?

You see that little red light?
It's all voice-activated,

so if the light's on,
you're recording.

- Let me show you how to tape it on.
- Oh, OK.

Sorry if my hands are cold.

No. That's OK, they're fine.

You sure you wanna do this?

Yeah. I'm sort of up against a wall.

The insurance company needs proof fast.

Things are sort of weird at Bree's.
I don't want to overstay my welcome.

Well, if things get tough,
you can always stay here.

Testing, testing.

I'm sorry, did you just invite me
to move in with you?

Well, you and Julie,
in the spare bedroom.


You've been saying how you wanted
to be friends again, and you're right.

There's no reason
we can't be friends.

You sure that won't put a crimp
in your dating life?

- That girl you were at the movies with?
- No, that was a one-time thing.

What about that guy though, "Orson"?

Yeah, he just heard about the fire
and came over to help. We're friends.

- So... neither of us is dating anybody?
- Guess not.

- I got my boarding pass.
- Do what you need to do.

Don't worry about the kids.
I'll keep them out of trouble.

Is this crazy? Following Tom
across the country just to spy on him?

If he knew I was doing this...

God, I don't think
I can go through with this.

No, look, there's probably
nothing going on,

- but you need to know the truth.
- Do I?

I'm happy. I mean, I was.

Why don't I look the other way
and pretend nothing's wrong?

- Lots of women can do that.
- We both know you're not one of them.

And what if I see him
with another woman?

What then?

I own a gun.

- You OK in here?
- I'm fine. Why?

It's just people have been asking
about the cake

and you've been icing it
for over an hour.

I just keep messing it up.
I don't know what's wrong with me.

You're probably just tired.
My mom and I heard you up all night.

It just keeps coming out too thick.

You know, people aren't gonna care
if the icing isn't perfect.

People care about details.

Someday, when Danielle looks back,

I want her to remember just
how perfect her cake looked,

and how hard her mother worked
to make her happy.

This cake is a symbol of my love.

Well, it looks delicious.

Happy birthday to you

Happy birthday to you

Happy birthday, dear Danielle

Stop! One of the candles went out.

We're going to have to do this again.
I'm sorry, I'll be right back!

- Mom, it's all right.
- Sweetheart, this is your special day.

All of your candles should be lit.
It'll just take me two seconds.

Is she serious?

Welcome to my own private hell.

That is some serious frosting.


- Who touched this?
- Mom, what does it matter?

- It's just frosting.
- Somebody ruined your cake,

and I want to know
who could be that thoughtless.

Was it you?

- Or you? Who was it?
- Mom, please. You're embarrassing me.

You! You look like a girl
who enjoys her frosting.

No! No, I didn't touch it!

It's just a cake, for God's sakes!
Will you please just cut it?

- Mrs Van De Kamp...
- I want to smell your breath.

- It wasn't me. It was Barbie.
- Barbie!

What the hell is wrong with you?
Now it's ruined! Everything is ruined!

You can just leave that there
and I'll clean it up later.

Xiao Mei!
What are you doing in our bed?

I said she could sleep in here
from now on.

It's got the bathroom.

In case she gets sick
in the middle of the night.

What's wrong with the guest bathroom?

- It's too far away.
- It's right down the hall!

She needs her rest.

Besides, that bed
is much more comfortable

- than the one in the guest room.
- I know.

That's why I had the movers
put it in here, where we sleep!

Maybe I go to my bed.

Yes, Xiao Mei. That would be good.

Fine, you can use our toilet.

- Stop kicking me!
- I'm trying to get comfortable.

In a twin? Good luck.

I want my bed back.

We'll go buy a nice big one tomorrow
and put it in here. OK?

That's not the point.
We are a week into this pregnancy.

You're putting
Xiao Mei's needs before mine!

She's the priority.
She's the mother of my child.

Like hell she is.
That is my egg.

- You know what I mean. She's the...
- Oven, Carlos. The oven.

- A well-cared-for, well-paid oven.
- It came out wrong. I'm sorry, OK?

Now can we just get some sleep?

I'm sorry. I swear I didn't mean to.
My leg just cramped up.

Where're you going?
That's my pillow!



Mom, come on.

- What are you doing in there?
- Danielle, is that you?

My mom found out what we did to Caleb.
She locked me in here.

- Don't worry, I'll get you out.
- Be really careful, OK, please.

I've never seen her like this.
She's seriously lost it this time.

I know a little something
about psycho moms.

Trust me, I'll be fine.


- Cleaning up after the big party?
- Yeah.

You know, it's late.
Why don't you go to bed

and let Julie and I
help you in the morning.

Oh, that's OK. I can't sleep anyway.

Are you OK?

I take it you heard what happened.

Yeah, when you flip out
in front of the pep squad,

word travels fast.

It was the oddest sensation.

I was fine.
I mean, everything was fine.

Then, suddenly,
I was on the outside of my body,

watching a woman who looked like me
becoming a raving maniac.

Bree, I'm worried about you.

Do you think that
you should see someone?

No, no, I'm fine.
I'm just tired, that's all.

I need a rest and then
I'm gonna be as good as new.

OK, well, then,
why don't you stop and go to bed?

Because I can't sleep just yet.

Why not?

Because when I sleep, I dream.
And when I dream,

I keep seeing Andrew's face
in that rear view mirror.

OK, what are you talking about?

Andrew didn't run away.

I dropped him off
in the middle of nowhere

and told him that I couldn't
be around him anymore and then...

...I drove off.

So I just need a little time
to forget what I've done,

and then I can sleep again.


You know, I am not even tired.

So why don't I stay up and help you?

That would be nice.

- Hello?
- Hey, you. How're you doing?

Hey, great, great.
How's Atlantic City?

Are you winning some money?

Oh, I'm about even.

I'm heading back into the casino
now to try my luck again.

Yeah? You're quite a gambler.

Where's Jerry?

Jerry? He's right here.
Hey, honey, how're the kids?

Great. Great.

They're in the daycare room.
I'm looking at them right now.

Why don't you walk in there and
put them on the phone with me

so I can say "hi"?

OK. Sure.

First, can I talk to Jerry?

Why do you want to talk to Jerry?

Oh, just, you know, say hello.
It's been a long time.

Wow, man, that is weird.

Can you...
Do you hear that car alarm?


It's strange because I can hear it here
and through the phone.

Whoa. That's weird
kind of feedback, you know.

Physics can be spooky that way.
Listen, I gotta go.

Ed is talking to me,
and I'll call you back later?


- OK, bye.
- Bye, honey.

Is this an emergency?

I think so.

My neighbour, Paul Young,
has been threatening me.

- Is he there right now?
- No.

Until he actually does something,
there's nothing we can do.

Well, I won't live in fear anymore.

If you people refuse to confront him,

I guess I'll just have to do it myself.

No, Edie, wait.
I don't want to fight.

I know that we've had our differences,
but we had a friendship going there.

And I just think we owe it to ourselves
to talk about what happened.

What's there to talk about?
It happened.

I walked down to your house,
had this watering can...

- What?
- It was filled with gasoline,

and "boom," I laughed my ass off.

OK, wait, could you just swallow,
because I couldn't really...

Well, that was basically it.

One of the best days of my life.

Well, see, you were chewing,
so I didn't really hear what you said.

Could you just say it again?

I burned your house down.

- It was great. What do you want?
- So... you then admit

burning down my house...
on purpose.

You're wearing a wire, aren't you?

- Open that blouse.
- What? No!

Open that blouse!

You can't outrun me, Mayer.
I'm in the best shape of my life!

Well, good! Then you'll be prime meat
picking when you go to jail!

- You give it!
- Bite me!

No! Give it! No!

What the hell?

Nine months of long nights on the couch
loomed before Gabrielle.

She had decided
she would not take it lying down.

So she dipped into her supply
of forbidden perfumes...

...determined that in this battle...

she would be the one
to come out smelling like a rose.

I think I take nap now.

Yeah, sure. Knock yourself out.



Anybody home?

Hey. Mrs McCluskey, excuse me.

You haven't seen Lynette around,
have you?

She's not at home
or answering her phone.

She packed up the kids
and the puppy and left.

- Packed them up? Why?
- She followed you to Atlantic City.

She knows about your other woman.

Boy, you're just lucky
you're not my husband.


OK, first, let me say, I'm really sorry
about the yellow jackets.

And, also, no matter how mad I am
about what you did,

I don't want to see you go to prison.

So I came up with a solution.

Why don't you come forward
and tell the police

that you saw some vagrant lurking
by my garage with a can of gasoline.

And, if you do that,
then I'll destroy the tape.

Then the insurance company will
pay the claim, and nobody gets hurt.

Does that sound good?

Come closer.

- Take your stinking deal and shove it!
- Edie...

Every time something bad happens to me,
you're standing nearby.

Well, I've had it.
No more pretending to be friends.

When I get out of here,
I'm going to destroy you.

OK, I'm just gonna think
that this is the meds talking,

- and I'll come back tomorrow.
- Don't bother.

OK, Edie, I'm in trouble here.

I'm sure you'll turn on the waterworks

and the whole neighbourhood
will come running.

- They always do.
- That's not true.

Sure it is. You never miss
an opportunity to play the victim.

And you think just because
everybody always comes to your rescue

it means that you're loved.

Well, it doesn't.
It means that you're helpless.

Now get out.

Just get out.

- Hey, there.
- Hi.

You given any thought
to staying at my place?

Oh, yeah, that.

Look, I really appreciate the offer,
but I think I'm gonna have to pass.

- Really?
- Yeah, I think it's best.

I don't wanna get a rep around here
for being a charity case.

Well, I didn't mean it that way.

This was just one friend
helping out another.

I know.

But I can figure this out on my own.

At least I'm gonna try.

You know, I'm stronger than people
give me credit for. I really am.

Well, if there's anything I can do...

You know what would be nice?

Why don't you just stop over
for coffee sometime.


I mean, that is, after I get
running water and electricity again.

And a coffeemaker.

I hope you're happy.

That poor girl can hardly even
come upstairs now because of you.

Carlos, stop with the dance.
It's already in the wallpaper.

I swear, if anything happens
to that kid because of you...

- Oh, it's perfume, not toxic gas.
- Why are you acting this way?

Because I see the writing on the wall
and it scares the hell out of me.

Meaning what?

The second Xiao Mei got pregnant,
you have found ways

to tell me that that baby
is more important to you than me.

- Oh, come on, Gabby.
- No, men can't help it.

When they become fathers,
they become lousy husbands.

And some wives don't mind,
but you didn't marry one of those women.

I don't think
I can sleep in here tonight.

The air is just a little too toxic.

She kick you out too?

Marriage is complicated, Xiao Mei.
You'll find that out someday.

You feel like watching
some trashy American TV?

I make you sandwich.
Roast beef.

Oh, man. Gabby's got me
on this health kick thing.

She'll kill me if I eat red meat.

I will not tell.

Taste good?

Real good.

Matthew, wake up, I have your breakfast.

I might be furious with you,
but never let it be said that I'm cruel.

I advise you not to charge this door

because I am not in the mood
for any unpleasantness.



I thought you were
gonna steal the key!

Let's just get out of here!

Mother, Matthew and I are running away
together and we're never coming back.

If you want me to be happy,
you won't try to find us.

Living in that house with you
was like being in a prison.

You drove me to do this,
so I hope you'll blame yourself.

Have a nice life. Danielle.

Hello, my name is
Bree Van De Kamp

and I'd like to admit myself
for psychiatric observation.

All right, what seems to be the problem?

I think I'm about to have
a nervous breakdown.

Damn it!

What the hell?

That psychotic bitch.

There was no confrontation.
Felicia Tillman made the call!

She's the anonymous tip!
Let's go over there right now.

I guarantee the woman's having
a cocktail, laughing her ass off!

We're not going anywhere yet, sir.

Yes, I know there's blood everywhere.

She probably got it from a pig
so she can vandalise everything I own.


- What is it?
- Put your hands where I can see them.

Man, she's good.

It's a shocking moment for each of us.

That moment we realise
we are all alone in this world.

The family we take for granted
could one day abandon us.

The husband we trust so implicitly
might betray us.

The daughter we love so deeply
perhaps won't return to us.

And then we could end up
all by ourselves.

Of course, some see great value
in going it alone.

For example...

Sorry about the dust, Mrs Huber.

We don't get many tourists
this far up the mountain.

First snows come,
and this place is completely cut off.

Dropping off the face of the earth.
Now that's what I call a vacation.

I'm sorry.

Sometimes I'm just all thumbs.