Desperate Housewives (2004–2012): Season 2, Episode 20 - It Wasn't Meant to Happen - full transcript

The teenage father of Gabrielle and Carlos' adoptive baby wants to lay claims; Edie is heartbroken after Karl breaks off their engagement; Lynette helps coach Ed's online love life, which ...

previously on...

i'm granng you
temporary custody

until we can get a straight
answer from e birth father.

gabrielle got exactly
what she wanted.

if edie doesn't know,

then that means that you just
cheated on her with me.

susan got fooled again...

i'm also a member
of s.a.

and bree got too much...

sex addicts anonymous.


karl mayer didn't pray often,
but when he did,

it was usually to ask
for god's help

in breaking up with a woman

and to spare him
the nasty drama

that usually accompanied

such callous
and unexpected departures.

over the years, karl had
dumped dozens of women,

and not one of them
had ever seen it coming.

every retreat was always
meticulously planned,

right down to
the personalized stationary,

hence his record
of successful getaways

from women who did not
want to see him go.

so when he decided
to break up with edie britt,

karl prayed to god yet again
to help him avoid

all the unnecessary drama.

unfortunately for karl...

(alarm stops)
god was in the mood...

to be entertained.

(whispers) come on!

what the hell is this?
edie, baby, calm down.

"let's be honest
with ourselves, edie.

we haven't been happy
in a long time"?

who are you to tell me
i haven't been happy,

you miserable son of a bitch?
i have been ecstatic!

okay. i-i'm the one
who hasn't been happy, then.

they why did you
propose to me?
i don't know.

i have told every woman
in this town

that we are getting married,
and all you have to say to me

is, "i don't know"?
oh, what else
do you want me to say?

i'm sorry.

what's going on?
is there someone else?

oh, my god.

oh, crap.

come on, come on, come on!

as he sat there,
karl couldn't help but wonder

why god had forsaken him.

it never occurred to him
that god...

might be a woman.

captioning provided by
touchstone televion, abc, inc.

and ford motor co.--
built for the road ahead.

captioned by
closed captioning services, inc.

grant me the serenity

to accept the things
i cannot change,

the courage
to change the things i can

and the wisdom
to know the difference...

the members
of the fairview chapter of a.a.

ended every meeting
with a prayer.

and while most
were asking god for help

in resisting temptation,

was busy thinking thoughts
that were downright sinful.

...with him in the next.

keep coming back.
it works if you work it.


i think
you'd love the opera.

the music and the voices--
it's just all so... passionate.

(chuckles) yeah, a 300-pound
soprano seducing balding tenors.

that'd be hot.
you making fun of me?




maybe a little bit.

what's going on here?


we made plans, remember?

i'm sorry.
i was just about--

yeah, i saw what you
were just about to do.

i'm sorry, peter,
but, uh, who is this?

this is claude.
he's my sponsor.

oh, your a.a. sponsor?

i'm his other sponsor.

for my sex addiction.


damn it, peter.
what did i tell you?

avoid lust triggers.

and what is she?

come on,
don't do this, man.

she's a lust trigger.
a lust trigger!

um, excuse me.
i don't know what that means,

but could you please
stop saying it?

where's your chip?
give it to me.

do you remember how low
you'd sunk when we met?

this represents
12 months of hard work,

not giving in
to your urges.

now if you wanna
blow all that on this woman,

just tell me now
so i can stop wasting my time

working with you.
(chip hits floor)

i don't want to blow it.


then tell
the pretty lady good-bye

and that you can't
socialize with her anymore.

and do it quick.

i'm hungry.

bad news.

ed wants us
to push through tonight

and finish
the edelstein realty pitch.

but we're not presenting
for another two weeks.

why don't we start

but how would that help ed avoid
his marital problems?

oh, he's right. i hear ed
fighting with fran on the phone

every day through the office walls.
that would explain all our working hours.

the people who have kids
in day care loose.

hey, great. let's go
before he changes his mind.

but that dsn't include you,
miss senior v.p.

ed wants you in the conference room now.
you're kidding!

you're his security blanket,
lynette. he stays, you stay.

jerry, can you help me
get the kids down to the car?

(lynette) oh.

thanks, jer.

(lynette) yeah?

get those mock-ups together,
will you?

jerry, i didn't know
you had a kid.

y-yeah, um, out of wedlock.


so... see you in the morning.

i'm sorry i'm late.

what's going on?
karl broke up with edie.

oh, my god.

yeah, apparently,
he was seeing someone.


did he say who it was?

i know who she is.

she's a man-eating,
scum-sucking ho-bag.

no, he did not say.

you know,
when karl dumped you,

i thought
that it was all your fault.

yeah, i figured that...
you were a nag or bad in bed.

but now i... now i see that
you were just a victim, too.

we have a bond, susan.

it's like we're sisters.

(chuckles) there's even
a pretty one and an ugly one.


no, i'm just saying
that karl screwed us both.

yes, like you
wouldn't believe.

guys, i'm all for bashing exes,
but let's save

a little of our hate
for his partner in crime--

the other woman.

yeah! you know, they're always
coming up with these excuses

to justify
being a home-wrecker.

exactly! like,
"he wouldn't have been with me

if he was gettin' it
at home."

yeah, "honey,
you're the love of my life.

she's just the runner-up."

oh, look, the baby's
doing something really cute.

she's sleeping.

like an angel.

look, i think we all know
that karl is a dog.

i mean, but let's face it--
if these tramps

weren't laying out the buffet,
he wouldn't be chowing down.

well, every situation
is different,

and it's hard to judge
until we know all the details.


obviously i don't know,
because how would i know?

she's a slutty, slutty whore.


are you sure she needs that?
i just put sunscreen on her.

yes, she needs the bonnet.
it completes the outfit.

oh, for god's sakes, gaby.

she's never too young
to start accessorizing.

besides, all the neighbors
are out today,

and i want them to see how happy
we are and wish they were us.


uh, the baby's a beauty.

we think so,
but we're a little biased.

oh, wow,
she's got my eyes.


oh, i'm dale.

dale helm.
i'm the baby's birth father.

uh, well, hi, dale.

nice to meet you.

a lot of people
have been looking for you.

yeah, i know,
lawyers and stuff.

i got kinda held up in florida
longer than i thought.

spring break, right?

yeah. oh, man,
we were wasted 24/7.

then i got the message
and just thought

my friends were messing with me.
those buttwads!


well, it's a good thing
he's here.

we can take him
to the lawyer's office,

and you can sign over
full custody to us.

(chuckles) okay.

yeah, uh,
the thing about that is,

i'm gonna want the baby.

come on, you guys.
we don't have to make this ugly.

you're trying to take our baby!
how is it not gonna be ugly?

just keep walking, gaby.
don't engage him.

listen, mr. solis...

no, you listen!
we were granted custody.

if you want her,
you talk to the judge.

hey, what is the holdup?
they told me
i gotta talk to a judge.

what the hell are you doing here, frank?
it's his baby.give it to him!

like hell!
(julie) hey, mrs. solis,can i see the baby?

(both) no!
dale, just do it already!

i'm not just gonna kidnap it.
why not? they did!

it is your baby.
just take it!

try it.


get in, you moron.

anyways, it looks like

you're doing a good job with her.

she seems clean.

(betty) and like i said,
we have been very happy here,

and i'm sure you will be, too.

well, we just love it.
(woman) yeah.

once the stairs are repaired,
i'll show you the basement.

what's going on?

the house just sold.

start packing.

(danielle) why don't you just
put caleb in an institution?

it's where he belongs anyway.
my mom would never let strangers take care of him.

then it's not up to her.
if i call the police,

my mom and i go to jail
with caleb.

we've been hiding a murderer.
now, look, if we--

if we do move, i promise
i will call you every day.

i don't need a phone buddy.
i need a boyfriend!

would you calm down,
don't tell me what to do!

you know, i could
go to the police myself!

i just...
i love you so much.

i would do anything
to keep you here.

yeah, i see that now.

you can't leave me alone here.
you have to think of something.

don't worry.

i will.

(gasps) oh, my god!

(i.m. chimes)

ed? hey, i'm so sorry,

but obviously that was just
meant for tom's eyes only.

honest mistake.
don't even worry about it.


thanks. well, i'm gonna
go back in my office

and continue to feel like
a huge pervert.

at least you and tom
have a love life.

well, we do the best we can
given the circumstances.

better than fran and i.
we're dead in that department.

i don't wanna
bore you with the details.

i appreciate that.

you know, ed...

i don't wanna pry
into your personal business,

but if you are having
problems in that area,

you don't have
to be resigned to it.

what are you suggesting,

no, ed ferrara
doesn't pay for sex.

i mean, you and fran
could spice it up a bit.

you know, get the old juices
flowing again.

oh, i see.

kinda like, uh...

"i'd like to lick you
from head to foot."

(chuckles) okay, well,
that wasn't my best work,

but you can't deny results.

tom and i are going to...

okay, well,
i'm gonna be exhausted,

so i'll probably just lay there.
but trust ,

tom is gonna go to town.

it's something to think about,
lord knows.

you know what
the sad truth is?

i have been thinking
about hookers.


uh, well,
i hope that helped.

and i'm just gonna
go back and finish

so we can all get
out of here. (chuckles)

let me guess.
you're not here for a bear claw.

(chuckles) no, i'm not.

you're wasting your time.

look, you don't have
to worry about peter,

not while he's with me.

yeah? why is that?

because when it comes
to sex,

i have
an unwavering moral compass.

truly. a man could
beg and plead all day long,

and it wouldn't make
any difference.

so since i have
such strong self-control,

there's really no reason
for us to end our friendship.

the guy's a ticking bomb.

you have no idea

the kind of depravity
that comes with this disease.

waking up in a stranger's bed
every morning...

cruising the park at night,

looking for somebody
to get off with,

compulsive masturbation
every chance you get!

look, for guys like
peter and me,

there's no beauty
in the sex.

it's an empty and ugly

well, i am sorry,

but the peter i know
has a little more s--

hold up.

claude, i need some--
i need some help.

what are you doing here?
are you using?

no, but i bought a bag.

you're an embarrassmento me.

there's a meeting over
on 10th street. you go there.

you call me after.

i'm sorry.

get the hell out of my shop.

i'm also a sponsor
at cocaine anonymous.

well, aren't you
the renaissance man.

are we done here,

not yet. you obviously have
an encyclopedic grasp

of everything deaved.

but clearly, you don't have
the slightest idea

about the power
of a loving relationship.

this is all you are
to peter--

something to satisfy
his addiction.

well, i think peter is
a better man than you do,

and i am not gonna
let you keep us apart.
try and stop me.

peter does everything
i tell him to do.

that's the one thing
you can depend on with addicts--

they're weak. (laughs)

(sighs) excuse me.

excuse me.

may i ask you something?

yes, ma'am?

if a citizen,
an ordinary citizen like myself,

knew of someone holding
a significant amount of drugs,

what would
my responsibilities be,

you know, under the law?

what's all this?

and this one,
i ran out and got

the day i found out karl
was doing it with his secretary.

i think you'll find this
particularly helpful.

it's got a chapter called,

"revenge: you're only hurting
yeah, you know,

i'm just really not
into the whole reading thing.

oh. well, um, why don't
we get you out of here?

let's go see
a feel-good movie.

why are you
being so nice to me?

well, i just wanna help.
so how about that movie?

you know
how i like to heal?

i get hammered.

uh... well, um...

then i should just go and let
you get started with that.

do you really wanna
help me? good.

'cause i'm gonna need
a designated driver.

oh! uh...


how could he be arrested
for cocaine possession?

claude swore he was clean.

it's just awful, isn't it?

i mean, you never know
what people are doing

behind your back.

would you like some milk
with your cookies?


it's just, you know...

was he best sponsor
i've ever had,

and i don't know
what i'm gonna do now.

well, i have been doing
some thinking and...

here's a thought--
why don't i be your sponsor?

you gotta be kidding.

you don't know squat
about sex addiction.

well, cravings are cravings,

and all you really need
is a friend to call

when you start having
inappropriate thoughts,

and i can be that friend.

well, there's more
to it than that.

claude rescued me from
some pretty nasty sces

over the years.

well, if you were in trouble,
i could handle it.

how can you be so sure?

i can be very strong

for those people
that i really care about.

how can you have
any feelings for me at all?

i mean, you've only known me
for a few weeks.

yes, and in that time,

i've come to learn that
you're good and kind and smart.

and, yes,
you have a little problem

that you need
some help with,

but i'm willing
to be there for you.

so what's the big deal?

if you saw me at my worst,

you might not like me
so much.

let me be your rock.

taking care of people
is what i do best.

drink your milk.

(indistinct conversations,

ah-ah-ah. mnh-mnh.

i asked for extra spicy.

i'm pretty sure
you said medium.

are you? well,
maybe if you'd written it down,

you would've spared yourself

the walk of shame
back to the kitchen.

edie, why are you
torturing that girl?

that is her. that is the one
that karl is in love with.

we have been here
a million times,

and you should see the way
that she flirts with him,

and when she comes back here,
i am gonna shove this pitcher

in her perky little mug,
and when she's--

okay, let's not make a scene.
it's not worth it.

for the sake of argument,

let's--let's--let's say
that it's someone else.

you know, probably it would be
a vulnerable, lonely woman

who karl
just took advantage of,

and what if...

this poor, confused soul
begged your forgiveness?

what would you say?

i'd say...

"too little,
too late, bitch,"

and then i'd kick her.


yeah, but you don't have
to worry about that,

because i'm positive it's her.
i mean, who else could it be?

karl's office is all guys,
and then the only women he sees

are me, julie,

that--that lesbian that does
his taxes and you.

you know what?

it is her.

really? why?

she just...
spit in your wings.

you got my back?

uh... sure?

here you go, extra spicy.


you did that on purpose.


you are going to pay!
(whistle blows)

(edie) oh!
(woman) whoa!

fight, fight!

(edie) get off me, you!
get off me!

mayer! four on one!

a little help!

so, uh, when we leave...

who you gonna miss
the most?

i don't know.

yeah, you .

you said good-bye
to her yet?


look, man, it's...
it's okay if you like her.

you know, i think danielle
really likes you, too.


yeah, she told me
she'd be really sad

if you left
and didn't say good-bye.

you know, i think that

she might even want you
to give her a little kiss.

but danielle doesn't even
like me in her room.

she gets mad.


i talked to her about that.
she feels really bad.

if you come in her room again,
she won't get mad.

and, caleb,

she's gonna act like she
doesn't want you to kiss her...

but she does.

dale helm,

like all the students
at parsons christian academy,

was taught that his future
was safely in god's hands.

what he didn't know

was that gabrielle solis
was about to force a fumble.

(crowd cheering loudly)

(man) all right, guys,

you all know next week
we're playing the falcons!

and we're gonna fry up
those birdies for dinner,

'cause we're the huskies!
(mouths words)

and who are the huskies?

(all) god's team! god's team!
god's team!

god's team! god's team!

god's team! god's team!
god's team!

god's team! god's team!

what are you doing?
you can't be here.

let's talk turkey.

what is it gonna take
for you to give up the baby?

it's not gonna happen, okay?
i gotta get back.

i'm the quarterback.
it doesn't look right.

okay, no, no!
wait, what about a car?

or college?
tuition's a killer these days.

i could help you out.

i don't need help.

you hear those cheers?
those are for me.

last game,
i threw 246 yards.

with stats like that, i can get
into the college of my choice.

so why do you
want to be a dad?

these are your glory days.
a baby would ruin your life.
oh, i know. but frank said

once i get the baby,
he's gonna take it off my hands.

but it's not even his.
libby dumped him.

he thinks that
if he has the baby

and she sees him
acting all mature,

she'll take him back.
no, no, no.

i am not letting that idiot use
my baby as a bargaining chip.

hey, it's out of my hands!

no, it doesn't have to be, okay?
just do the right thing

and sign the release form.
look, i'm really sorry.

before we adjourn today,

let's take a moment
to bow our heads.

(microphone feedback whines)
hello, everyone.

i'm gaby solis,
class of '94. whoo-hoo!

i just wanted to give god
a big shout out

for this amazing season.

the man upstairs has definitely
been on your side.

and you wanna know why?
because you boys live clean.

you keep your noses up,
you stay out of trouble,

and you don't go around
getting strippers pregnant.

and that's a good thing,

'cause if one of you
caused a scandal like that,

not only would that guy
get kicked off the team

and lose
all of his scholarships,

but god would drop
your school colors so fast,

it'd make your head spin!

and then the football season
would go to hell.

no pun intended. (chuckles)

so my point is,

do the right thing,
and no one gets hurt.

signed, sealed, delivered.

lily's ours.

so what do you think?
are you staying late again,

or can i finally have dinner
at home with my wife?

god, i don't know.
i'm gonna go check with ed.


no, not really.

i was online chatting
with fran a while ago,

and i asked her
what she was wearing,

and she said,
"a yellow blouse."

okay, that's good.
then what?

then... yeah, that's it.
i just kinda blocked.

you blocked?
yeah, i didn't know
what else to say.

you're an award-winning
copywriter, ed.

you get paid to write.

yeah, jingles for oatmeal,
not soft-core porn.

for god's sakes,
it's not brain surgery.

is she still online?
yeah, i think so.


"i love the way that blouse
clings to your body."

"are you joking?"


"nothing funny about
those beautiful breasts."

(i.m. chimes)

"yeah? what did you want
to do to me?"


ed, your conference call's

oh, god, i almt forgot
about that.

i gotta go take this,

but you keep going,
'cause you're doing great.

no, ed, i'm not
doing this for you!



"touch every inch of your body

until you're trembling."

"oh, yeah.
i'll bite you good."

"hell, yeah.

first, i want you
to touch yourself."

"oh, yeah!"

"i'm on my way."

(dance music playing
over telephone)


bree, it's peter...

and i'm in trouble.

(indistinct conversations
in distance)

(dance music playing)

hi, i'm--i'm looking for,
um, peter mcmillan.

i'm not sure i know him.

you should ask my wife.
she organized the party.

hey, judy, get over here
and act like a hostess!

come on in!
come on, come on, come on.

(singsong voice)
hey there.

things areust
getting started.

after you take off your clothes,
feel free to jump right in.

no, no, i'm--i'm good.

i'm just, um, here
to pick up my friend peter.

he's locked himself
in your bathroom,

and i'm here
to take him home.

oh, yeah, that guy.
we were wondering about him.

the bathroom's over there.

hey, is that
your natural color?

yes, it is.

i wish mine would do that.

this is out of a bottle.

yes, i'm aware of that.


peter, it's bree.
are you in there?

what are you doing here?

i'm a sex addict.
what do you think?

you can't possibly be turned on
by what's going on out there.

disgusting, isn't it?
yes. why would you wanna
come to a place like this?

i didn't.
i wanted you to come.

i can't make you
not have feelings for me,

but i can show you who i was,
what my life was like.

well, that's not
your life anymore.

but it could be.

if i slip again, this is exactly
where you could find me,

or someplace worse.

then what would you
think of me?


it's dangerousto care

a lot of people have
over the years,

and they all end up
getting hurt.

rex said
he'd always be faithful.

george said
he'd never hurt me.

and as it turned out,
they were both liars.

so as long
as you're honest with me,

you'd be amazed
at what i can put up with.

now let's go home.

hey there.
did you have a late night?

i hope.

it was horrible.

the whole thing
blew up in my face.

why would you tell my wife
to bite my nipple off?

i didn't!

i didn't.
why would she--oh!

the honeymoon thing.

yeah, and it hurt
like hell then, too.

and it didn't take her long
to figure out

that i let a stranger
seduce her online.

oh, god!

she was so mad, she locked
herself in the bathroom

and called
a divorce lawyer.

you're getting divorced?

i spent two hours pleading with
her through the bathroom door,

begging her
not to leave me, and...

we finally managed
to come to terms.

what kind of terms?
i promised her i would
fire the person who did it.

you're gonna fire me?

no, of course not.
you're too important here.

i'm gonna fire tom.

i told her it was him
that sent the i.m.s.

i told her that he had
a problem with boundarie

i'm sorry.
i didn't wanna do this,

but my marriage
was on the line.

you can't make my husband
your scapegoat.

i won't let you.

i don't have a damn choice.

i can't be divorced,

i can't.

he's under contract.

if you just fire him,

he'll sue you, and i'll back
him up. you need cause.


i guess
i'll have to find cause.

it shouldn't be too difficult
if i look hard enough.

hey, how's the eye?

oh, it's still
a little red,

bui think i got
all the hot sauce out.

that's good.

so, um...
you know the other day

when i said that thing
about us being sisters?

well, when i said it
i really didn't mean it.

i kind of figured that.

no, i mean, i really
didn't mean it. but, um...

now i do.

thank you.
thank you for having my back.

so do i have to worry about you
attacking any more waitresses?

(southern accent) nah,
my bar brawlin' days are over.

oh, you know, i-i've gotta go.
i have a meeting.

i'll talk to you later.

are you oliver?

you must be edie.
pleasure to meet you.

oh, likewise.

i hear you're one of the best
private detectives in town.

i do what i can.

well, come on in.
let's talk.

um... basically, i just
want you to trail my ex.

he, uh... left me
for another woman,

and i wanna nail that ho
to the wall.


hey, come on, buddy,
wake up.


it's time.

(danielle screams, clatter)

get away from me!

get away from her!

danielle, i want you to pick up
the phone and call the police.


matthew and his mother
have been protecting caleb.

they're in as much trouble
as he is!

i don't care.

mom, please! i love him.

(crying) please.

if i hadn't been
in the house,

he could've raped her...
or worse.

he's locked
in his room now, so...

needless to say,
the agreement between us is off.

caleb is dangerous,
and i want him put away.

if he is not gone by tomorrow,
i am calling the police.

he will be. i promise you.

can i go check on danielle?


betty, i am serious.

either you do something,
or i will.

bree, stop worrying.

i understand
what needs to happen now.


did it work?


you did great.

um, so i got some rates

on some mental hospitals
around here,

and there's one called

which actually seems okay.

put this ham in the fridge,
will you?

i think i'll make it
for dinner.

uh, mom, i know you don't wanna
talk about this, but we have to.

mrs. van de kamp
is gonna call the police.

i promised myself i would never
institutionalize your other.

how long do you think
it'd be before he'd act out,

maybe even hurt somebody?

a couple of days? a week?

then they'd throw him
in a straitjacket

and drug away
what's left of his mind.

he'd spend the rest of his life
at the mercy of strangers.

but if we don't send him
to a hospital,

he's gonna end up in prison,

and don't you think
that's worse?
yes, of course i do.

so what the hell
are we gonna do?


it's easy.

it's painless.

it's just a few extra drops.
he simply falls asleep.

caleb was meant for a better
world than this, matthew.

it's time to give your brother
the peace he deserves.

who's the pretty girl?

(doorbell rings)

oh, looks like
it's daddy's turn.

i got her.

oh, yes.

mrs. solis?

we have a court order to take
the collins baby into custody.

no, no, no,
that's a mistake.

no, we--
we have the paperwork.

the birth father
signed away his rights.

it's the birth mother
who's protesting.


until the adoption
is legally finalized,

the birth mother
can still change her mind,

and... she has.

no, no,
no, no, no, no!

(clos) gaby, wait.

you? you don't even
wanna be a mother!

(libby) well, look, frank quit
usin', anduh, he got

a good job down at the plant.
he's really stepped up.


well, so we're gonna give
the whole family thing a shot.

well, i'll totally give you
all your money back.

i don't want my money back.
i want my baby!

co on, let's go.


carlos, what's happening?

no, no, no, ma'am,
you don't understand.

you don't understand,
this is our baby!

no, we've been--we've been
feeding her, and we--

we've been bathing her,

and we wake up in the middle
of the night and we rock her,

which is crazy,

'cause if you knew me,
i don't do that.

i don't do that.

and--and my husband--
my husband, he sings to her.

(crying) he sings,
so you can't take her away.

it's too late. we've already
fallen in love with her!


carlos, do something!

no, you can't go!
you can't--you can't take her!

you can't take her!

(sobbing) no!

she's our baby!

she's our...



there is a prayer intended
to give strength to people

faced with circumstances
they don't want to accept.

the power of the prayer

comes from its insight
into human nature...

we ask god
to grant us the serenity

to accept the things
we cannot change...

because so many of us

rage against the hand
that life has dealt us...

the courage
to change the things we can...

because so many of us
are cowardly

and afraid to stand up
for what is right...

and the wisdom
to know the difference.

because so many of us
give in to despair...

when faced
with an impossible choice.

the good news
for those who utter these words

is that god will hear you
and answer your prayer.

the bad news is that sometimes
the answer is no.

cync by lanmao