Desperate Housewives (2004–2012): Season 2, Episode 18 - Everybody Says Don't - full transcript

Previously on
Desperate Housewives:

If Libby likes us
as much as we like her,

we should go ahead
and move to adopt her baby girl.

- Who's the father?
- Don't know.

Carlos and Gabby made a deal...

I did remarry my ex. It was
because he has great health insurance.

...Susan made amends...

Never thought I'd have such a good time
with my girlfriend and her husband.

...Mike...
- Didn't she mention we dated?

...made a confession...
- Liar!

You're obviously
still in love with this guy!



...of his own.

On her first day of sobriety,
Bree Van De Kamp found an old cork

which reminded her
just how much she craved Chablis.

So she called her sponsor,

who came over with a DVD which they
watched till her craving had passed.

Five days later, after
she'd developed a thirst for merlot,

Peter arrived with a deck of cards.

The next week, he brought
over Chinese take-out,

because Bree had told him
she was consumed

by thoughts of vintage chardonnay.

By her 20th day of sobriety,

Bree had stopped thinking
about alcohol, altogether,

because her thoughts
were now centred...

...elsewhere.



I'm curious, Peter, what is the easiest
way to overcome addiction?

Well, some folks try shock therapy,

others use hypnosis.

But taking it one day at time still
makes the most sense to me. Why?

I guess I'm just impatient
to get on with my life.

What are you doing?

Just giving you a little kiss.

Why?

It's just my way of saying "thank you"
for everything you've done for me.

What's wrong?

This is gonna seem out of left field,

but in addition to being
a recovering alcoholic,

I'm also a member of S.A.

Sex Addicts Anonymous.

And that's a real thing?

Yes. Sex is as much
an addiction for me as booze.

That's why when
you turn me on it's a problem.

It was just a peck on the cheek.

It doesn't matter. The slightest touch
gets my juices flowing.

So how long has it been since you...

A year.

They have this rule:
Plant, pet, person.

If I can keep a plant alive,
then I can move on to a pet.

If I can make that work,
then I can start dating again.

- So how are you doing?
- I'm on my fourth ficus.

See? You can handle affection better
than you give yourself credit for.

What?

I'm sorry. I think I should go.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Peter! But... You forgot your shirt!

Keep it!

Though she didn't know it,
Bree had answered her own question.

The easiest way
to overcome one addiction

is to replace it with another.

Temptation.

It's the name
of a well-known establishment

on the outskirts of Fairview.

Its clientele is devoted.

Everyone who goes there wants
to get their hands on something.

And when they cross a line...

Hey! I warned you, pal!

...they are punished,

as a certain married couple
was about to discover.

Hi.

You want a lap dance?

No, thanks, no.

I sure hope Libby likes this camera.

Why wouldn't she?
It's exactly what she asked for,

the most expensive one in the store.

I'm getting really tired
of kissing her ass.

The woman is giving us her baby.
We'll kiss whatever needs kissing.

What the hell
are you guys doing here?

We brought you this. You said you
didn't want us coming by your house.

Thanks, but I'm working,
so you gotta go.

We spent a lot of money on that.

The least you can do is open it so we
can bask in your happy expression.

Is there a problem here?

No, we were just talking,
everything's fine.

Carlos Solis, my wife, Gabrielle.
We're friends of Libby's.

Oh, hey, I'm Frank,
Libby's boyfriend.

You didn't tell us you had a boyfriend.

Didn't I? I thought I had.

What's that? A present for our baby?

Did you just say "our" baby?

Yeah. It's our first.

Hey, what's for lunch?

Omelettes. Want me to make you one?

No, thank you, I'll pick at yours.

I didn't know you still had a key, Dad.

I have to watch out
for my two favourite ladies.

Try the cheese. That's the best part.

You mean two
of your three favourite ladies.

You know, when you add in Edie.

Right, of course.

And speaking of Edie,
I have some big news.

I finally did it. I popped the question.

Congratulations, Dad!

Yeah. Congratulations.

What happened to waiting six months?

Edie and I aren't
getting married tomorrow.

It takes months
to plan a classy wedding.

Remember ours?

You had to have it outdoors.

It poured. I could have
murdered that weatherman.

We were all crammed
under this little gazebo thingy.

I thought the whole
wedding day was ruined.

I loved it.

It felt spontaneous.

All our friends gathered
close around us.

Remember?

You said it was
the happiest day of your life.

Just like you marrying Edie
will be the happiest day of her life.

Yeah, right.

Her too.

Toodles.

Oh, hi.

Hello.

Andrew said it was all right
for me to get a cream soda.

Help yourself. There's also
frosted glasses in the freezer.

Can is fine, but thank you.

Oh, and I left a list for you

of the witnesses we'll be deposing.
It's on the counter.

Hi.

Hi

I know that you're still angry
with me, and...

...I wanted to tell you that I have...

...joined a recovery program.

AA.

I just wanted you to know that.

And to tell you I'm sorry.

You are...

...a real friend,
and I value your honesty.

I don't want to be mad anymore.

And I'm so happy to hear all that.
And I am so proud of you.

Thanks, but I'm not
out of the woods yet.

I still have this whole court case
hanging over my head.

I heard. Andrew's asking
to be emancipated?

Yes. His lawyer is taking depositions
now to see if I am a fit parent.

And considering that mishap
that I had with your kids,

I imagine he'll be anxious
to talk to you.

That makes sense, I guess.

Yeah.

Do you have any idea
what you might say?

I...

I'll focus on your good qualities.

I could not ask for anything more.

Thanks.

- See you around, I hope.
- All right.

That's not why you came
to apologize, is it?

What do you mean?

To soften me up for the deposition.

Of course not.

I want you to understand something.

Andrew is making accusations,

false accusations,
saying that I abused him.

All because I wouldn't let him have his
trust fund early so he could buy a car.

Can you blame me for wanting to know
if I have your support?

And so, what?

You want me to lie?
Make you look good?

I actually don't want
anything of the sort!

Good.

Because when I give my deposition,
I'm going to tell the truth.

- To what do I owe this pleasure?
- I want you to look at something.

Myra Holt is talking to Paul Young.

Chatting away with him.
Now, I told her he killed my sister.

I mentioned it to her six months ago

when we were in the express line
at the market.

But still, there she is, yakking away.

Oh, Mike.

People's memories
aren't what they used to be.

What do you want, Felicia?

I want to see how good your memory is.

If you recall a certain promise
you made to me.

I am not gonna kill him.

Why not? Give me one reason.

Things have changed.

How? My sister still lies rotting
in the ground. So does Deirdre.

I don't see how
anything's changed at all.

You're going to have to let this go.

Sounds to me as though
someone's let go of his rage.

Maybe I have.

Well, I haven't.

That bitch of a stripper lied to us!
The father's in the dark.

He wants to keep the baby.

Mr Solis,

if the father wants to assert
his rights, there's nothing we can do.

I'll find you another baby.
I promise.

I want this one!

Honey, he's right. That trashy girl's
been lying to us from the get-go.

Let's walk away while we can.
It's not worth it.

Don't get cold feet now,
Gabby, please. All right?

Let's pay Frank the way we paid Libby,
and bring the baby home.

Wait, wait, wait.
You paid Libby?

You said we could give her gifts.
Everybody loves cash.

I could probably be disbarred
for even listening to this.

I cannot condone baby buying!

I sure as hell can't be part of it.

- Mr Beale, come on...
- No! Hear me out.

If you are determined
to go down this dark road,

and unbeknownst to me,
steal this...

...paternal rights waiver
sitting on my desk,

and have this Frank guy sign
both sides and date the top,

I can't be part of that either.

OK, I'm gonna go to Dad's.

Oh, wait, why don't you
let me walk with you?

- Shouldn't you be resting?
- No, I'm fine.

The doctor said I should
keep my blood flowing.

Do you have to do it
while we walk over to Edie's?

I just... I don't want to risk
you running into Dad.

OK.

You guys have just been
so chummy lately

and this flirting thing
is kind of freaking me out.

Wait a second, we're not flirting.

Mom, you fed him eggs with your fork.

OK, yes, I am closer to your father
than I have been in the past.

The bitter hatred's now settled
into a respectful disgust.

That's the kind of thing most
children of divorce dream about.

Hey, Edie. What's all this stuff for?

Oh, hi.

Don't tell anyone,
but I'm planning a surprise for Karl.

A surprise?

I'm putting together
an engagement party tomorrow.

Oh, cool.

But that's not the surprise.

Actually, it's going to be
a surprise wedding.

My Pilates teacher
got ordained over the Internet.

The Church of the Divine
something or other, I'm not sure.

Anyway, it's all legal, and, well,

one more day before I make
an honest man out of your daddy.

Oh, you're so sweet.

Thank you so much
for your good wishes.

No, Edie, wait, no.

It's that, I, you know,
I was married to Karl,

and I used to try to surprise him,

and he would always,
always, always, say,

"No, Susan, don't surprise me.
I don't like it!"

Whatever. I'm doing it,
so keep your trap shut.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I've got to go and buy a wedding dress.

By the way, I'll be wearing white.
So that'll be a surprise for everybody.

I don't know why
I have to get dragged into this.

What happened with my kids has
nothing to do with Bree's situation.

Sit.

Well, it's my understanding that real
harm could have come to your children

as a direct result
of your friend's behaviour.

I'm sorry,
but I'm not going to testify.

It just doesn't feel right to me.

This isn't the first time
someone's felt the way you do.

So this isn't the first time
I've had to say that...

...if you refuse to give a deposition
of your own accord,

I'll compel you to give one.

But I'm sure I won't have to.

You're saying Bree did this?

While under the influence.

I understand your reluctance
to turn on a friend.

But this isn't about you.

It's about Andrew.

Don't you think he's suffered enough?

How much are you gonna give him?

I figured we could start with forty.

Thousand?

He's a bouncer in a strip club,
offer him eight.

He's not going to sell his baby
for $8,000.

Are we talking about the same idiot?

For $8,000 he'd throw in a kidney.

I'm not gonna blow this
by bargain hunting.

When you bought your car you
paid sticker. Nobody pays sticker.

What's the sticker price on a child?
Tell me that.

I'm thinking 12.

Frank, you have to sign the paper,
I made a deal with these people.

A deal? This isn't a used car
we're talking about. It's our baby!

Before you screw this up,
remember I can go to the cops

and tell them about the pot farm
you have going on in our basement.

It's just a couple plants.

You know, I don't do it for profit.

It's a hobby, mostly.

Come on, Frank. You know
you would be a lousy father.

It's my kid. And I have a right
to mess her up if I want.

If you go near the police,

I'll tell them you've been
stealing all those tips.

OK, we're done.

Gabby, Gabby, now, just hold on.

Now, maybe there's a way
that we can work this out together.

There's nothing to work out. If Frank's
not on board with this, it's over.

Wait.

It doesn't matter what he wants.

- Why not?
- Because it's not your baby.

That's a lie.

Will a paternity test shut you up?

If it's not Frank's, then whose is it?

I'm not sure.

All's I know is I got pregnant right
after I worked at the Calgary rodeo.

And I was very popular there.

What? You screwed a bunch of cowboys?

You have your hobbies,
and I have mine.

- You think this is funny?
- Don't you get it?

We just got our baby back.

Well, you take care now.

Yeah.

Hi.

I got your message that you wanted
to see me before the meeting started.

Yeah. I did. There's someone
I'd like to introduce you to.

Bree, this is Donna.

- Donna, this is Bree.
- What's up?

Hi.

Donna is gonna be your new sponsor.

I don't want a new sponsor.
I'm very comfortable working with you.

This was always
just a temporary arrangement,

and given what happened,

I think it's best
if we just end this now.

Peter, all we did was kiss.

We'd be kidding ourselves
if we didn't think that...

...whatever's between us
isn't gonna affect our recovery.

It's not a good time
for change in my life, Peter.

Terrible things are happening,
I'm headed to court.

I need your support now
more than ever.

You'll have support, Bree.
It just won't be mine.

But, Peter...

- Bree could never have done that.
- I'm telling you what the lawyer said.

So you think Bree punched Andrew
in the face? Cos I don't.

I don't either!

But on the other hand, she spanked
my kids, she lied about her drinking,

and I once saw her bitch-slap
her mother-in-law.

So I'm torn.

Well, I'm siding with Bree.

How can you be so sure?

We have Andrew saying
that it's systematic physical abuse.

Then we have Bree saying
it's Andrew wanting to be emancipated

so he can get at his
trust fund so he can buy a car.

How are we supposed to know the truth?

Because I remember being 17.

I would have done a hell of a lot more

than punch myself in the eye
to get a car.

Karl!

Karl! Stop, stop!

It's an emergency!

- Just calm down. What's going on?
- Edie is gonna marry you tomorrow!

What?

She's planned this whole secret wedding!
It's a surprise!

God, I hate surprises.

I know. I told her that.

I said, he always,
always hates surprises.

Don't get yourself all worked up here.

We'll put our heads together,
and we'll come up with something.

So the thing you gotta know about me
is my style is proactive.

I don't hold your hand
if you go on a bender.

I believe in behaviour modification.

Some muffins?

That's OK, I'm not big on snacks.

You should also know...
I'm not a lesbian.

Well, good for you.

Well, see, if I was, the program
wouldn't let me be your sponsor.

Not great for your recovery if we get
tangled up in a little something.

So... whatever vibe you might
be getting, that's all on you.

Donna...

...I really appreciate everything
that you've been doing for me.

But I think I was really
making some progress

with Peter as my sponsor,
and I was thinking...

All right, stop right there!

You're fixating on Peter.

I feel like I'm jeopardizing
my recovery by switching.

You're making excuses.

See, I have a 99 percent
success rate as a sponsor

because I have zero percent tolerance
for people who lie to themselves.

Now come on.

Come on? Where are we going?

Hiking. There's nothing like it
to take your mind off booze.

I got it. I'll just be the woman.

I'll say I want a big wedding,
the church,

big ballroom, smushing cake in her face.
It'll take months to plan.

That's great.

I'll have to tell her you're
the one who ruined the surprise.

- You're gonna make me take the hit?
- Yeah.

Hey. Whatcha you doing out here?

Just talking.

Well, come on in.
I've got something to show you.

- No, that's OK.
- Come on! You'll love this.

Wait until I leave to tell her,
because she's gonna kill me.

Well, I should go.

I'm not going to scream or cry
or pound your faces in with a mallet,

which, Lord knows, is my right.

But what I will say is that you
two are the most reprehensible excuses

for human beings that I have ever met!

Do you have anything to add?

Right. What the hell.

Hey, Mrs Scavo.

That's a sweet ride.

Yeah, you think so?

Come over here for a second,
I'd like to pick your brain.

You're the demographic
my client is interested in.

You'd be doing me a favour if you
drove it for a couple hours and...

...tell me what you thought.
Do you mind?

Are you kidding me?

I can't believe you
are old enough to drive.

I can remember
when you were ten-years-old.

I paid you a dollar to rake our leaves.

Yeah, yeah, you were pretty cheap.

Is this set up for MP3?

All the bells and whistles.

But, listen,

I really wanted to tell you
how sorry I am.

Your lawyer came to see me.
I'm going to be deposed.

It's going to be hard for me.

Yeah, yeah, I know.

You just have to remember she's
a different person when she drinks.

She must be.

It's hard for me to imagine
the Bree I know capable of hurting you.

Yeah.

Do you have the keys?

Sure. Anyway, I just...

...I feel so guilty
that this all went on in your house,

right under our nose.

So if there's anything
I can do to help you...

Well, can you get a discount on these?

Actually, yeah.

One of the perks.

It's out of the price range
of a high school student.

If you tell my lawyer the truth, I
don't think money's gonna be a problem.

Hi. What's going on?

Edie wants to discuss
our little deception.

Exactly how ugly is this gonna get?

How long does it take
to shut a door?

I can forgive your trickery.

I can forgive the humiliation.

But what I can't forgive is the complete
and utter lack of faith in me!

I mean, having Susan get married
for insurance was my idea!

If I had known that everything
had gotten screwed up,

of course I would've agreed.

Look, Edie. In retrospect, yes,

we didn't think.

We didn't handle this the way
mature adults should have.

He's right.
We behaved like children.

Naughty, stupid children.

Well, that makes me feel better,
that you could admit that.

Because when naughty children
misbehave,

they know they're gonna get punished.
Don't they?

Punished?

At this point, I'd like to point out
that it was Karl who proposed.

Karl...

...you are gonna throw me
an elaborate wedding.

Yes, of course. Anything, baby.

How elaborate?

Well, figure out exactly
what it is that you could afford,

and triple it.

As for you...

OK, now, remember, I'm broke.

I'm well aware
of your church mouse status.

I don't intend to lift a finger
during the planning and execution

of this crushingly expensive wedding.

No, no, of course not.

And anything I can do to help,

you know, I could help with
the engagement party. How's that?

Well, I wasn't planning on inviting you.

But... I will need a bartender.

And make sure you come in
through the back door.

You're just in time.

Mrs Scavo has been sworn in,

- so we're all ready to start.
- Hey.

Hi.

All right, we are now on the record.

OK.

Isn't it true that while your children
were in Bree's care

she passed out, drunk,

and allowed them to wander off
to a downtown business district?

My kids don't wander,
they scurry, like rats.

Excuse me?

Do you know a rat can fit through
a hole the size of a quarter?

Anyway, my children
have that trick down too.

Are you saying that you don't hold
Ms. Van De Kamp responsible

for endangering your children?

No, I don't hold her responsible.

Bree Van De Kamp and I have
known each other a long time.

I trust her completely.

She's a wonderful friend
and a fantastic mother.

- She puts the rest of us to shame.
- She's lying!

- You gonna let her get away with this?
- Please.

Do you consider Mrs Van De Kamp
to have a drinking problem?

No.

Then why did you line empty wine
bottles up on her front stoop?

I was helping Bree with her recycling.

Do I need to remind you of
the potential consequences of perjury?

No, you don't. In fact, I hate liars.

Hello?

Peter? Hi, it's Bree.

Hey, Bree, you know,

if you feel like you're gonna need
a drink, you should call Donna.

No, no, I don't feel
like I'm gonna drink.

If I did I certainly would call Donna,

She and I are...
we're just really clicking.

Oh, that's good.

So why are you calling?

I know it's late notice,
but a friend got engaged.

She's throwing a party,
and I thought you'd like to come.

- Bree...
- Well, you're not my sponsor anymore,

so I assume this is allowable.

It's just a casual get-together.
And they're having sushi.

- You do like sushi, don't you?
- Bree...

OK, Peter,

I just really...
need us to be friends.

When I'm with you, I'm not myself,
which is a good thing.

I can... I can relax when I'm with you

in a way that I can't
when I'm with other people.

With them, I have to pretend
that I have it all together, but...

...you know that I don't,
so it's just so much easier.

Come on, it's just a...
just a dumb old party.

Bree, do not call me again.

Paul! I'm so glad you made it.

I appreciate the invitation.
I'm surprised to get it,

considering how people
in this neighbourhood feel about me.

You know me.
I like to be inclusive.

It's heavy.

This is flat.

I think I'd like... a Rusty Nail.

A what, now?

It's a cocktail.

I'm not really sure what's in it.

But it sounds obscure
and complicated. So chop-chop.

OK, we'll be right there.

Hey, put that down! We've gotta go!

- Our birth mother went into labour!
- What?

- That's fantastic!
- We're gonna be parents!

I'll go get the car. Come on.

We were supposed to have four weeks.

She promised the baby wasn't due
for four more weeks.

We don't have anything,
we don't have diapers,

and we don't have
the stuff babies drink.

Formula?

Exactly! We're not ready!

This is a total inconvenience.

Welcome to parenthood. Come on.

This is your father's bartender bible.

See if you can find
the recipe for a Rusty Nail.

Mom?

Where'd you find that?

It was stuck in here between
a Pink Squirrel and a Pisco Sour.

Well, why is your father keeping this?

Why do you think?

Hey, Susie.

This marriage, our marriage, this
fake marriage. That's what it is, right?

Fake.

What are you talking about?

What's this?

- Nothing.
- Yeah?

OK, then. Repeat after me:
"Our marriage is fake,

and I'm going to marry the woman
I really love: Edie Britt."

- If that's what you want me to say.
- No!

It's not about what I want you to say.

You have to want to say
that you want to marry Edie.

Don't worry about this, Susie.

Why are you hanging on to that?

I need to look at it from time to time.

Why?

Consider it my punishment.

For screwing up the best thing
that ever happened to me.

Oh, no, no, no,
this is not happening.

Karl!

Will you? Are you crazy?

Tell me what to do.
Want me to marry Edie, I will.

Want me to call off the wedding,
I'll do it.

I'll do whatever you want.
I'm putty.

Karl!

What are you doing?

I'm just putting away some coats.

Well, it's time to open my presents.
Let's go.

- Hello.
- Hi.

Hi. I need advice from a professional.

I'd like to get stinking drunk.

Do you have anything
that can accomplish that in a hurry?

I forgot the Lamaze book in my purse!

Forget it. Come on, let's go.
We'll wing it.

We missed it?

The kid just slipped right out.

Are you family?

They're the parents.

Would you like to help?

No, thanks. You guys
look like you got it covered.

Are you sure, honey?

Come on, Gabby.

I just...

I don't wanna do anything
to screw it up.

She won't break.

Here.

OK.

Hi. Hi.

Honey, you were right.

About what?

It was all worth it.

Serving bowls.
Just what I needed, Lynette.

There's a gift receipt
taped to the bottom of the box.

Thank God!

OK, the next one is from Felicia.

I do hope you like it.

You know what they say.

Good things come in small packages.

What is it?

Teeth?

Dentures.

They were my dear sister Martha's.

I'm sure none of you knew,

but she had orthodontic issues
from the time she was a child.

Thank you.

I know it's an unconventional gift
for an engagement party,

but you were such close friends, Edie,

I wanted you to have something truly
personal to remember her by.

Since she left us so... abruptly.

You know,
when Paul Young strangled her,

crushed her windpipe, and buried
her alive next to a hiking trail...

Felicia, I think you've had enough.

I do apologize if I've offended anyone.

But while you all are chitchatting
and eating these gummy hors d'oeuvres,

just remember,

you're in the company of a murderer.

Bree. Bree?

Why didn't you call Donna?

I don't need Donna.

I need you.

You know, I don't even like redheads.

OK, it's my turn.

In a minute.

Come on, you're hogging her.

Tell me!

You tell me who it is, Libby!

Are you drunk?

Who is he, Libby?

I got to know!

I told you, he's just some rodeo guy.
I don't even remember his name.

Liar!

What are you doing?

I'm gonna light myself on fire.

He's gonna light himself on fire
with coffee liquor?

Would not have been my choice.

Tell me his name or I'm gonna do it!

Frank, don't be an idiot!

It was Dale, OK? It was Dale!

Security to Maternity.

My brother, Dale?

- He's a kid!
- He's 19, Frank.

He knows which end is up.

What is she saying?

There's a father.

Take it easy, man!

No. I am not giving up the baby.

No! No!

Security to O.B. Security to O.B.

- What are you doing?
- Taking our baby home.

She's not ours!
The papers aren't valid!

She has a father!

Do you wanna leave this beautiful girl
with that white trash freak show?

Well, come on, then!

- Where?
- Maternity! Maternity!

All right.

Carlos, hurry up!

I'm hurrying!

Man, there's a lot
of straps on this thing!

- How does this thing go in?
- Read the instructions!

"Pass strap A through strap B. Make sure
the harness clip is at chest level."

Which one's the harness clip?

That is after the baby is in!
You have to connect it to the car first!

Told you we should've got an SUV!

Stop! This is very complicated!

Oh, for God sakes,
just take the baby!

Wow.

Here, we're good to go.
Give me the baby.

You know this isn't gonna end well.
They're gonna try and take her back.

Maybe.

But we don't have
to make it easy for them.

- Gabby, I...
- Just buckle up!

Temptation comes to all of us.

Whether or not we succumb,
depends on our ability

to recognize its disguise.

Sometimes it arrives
in the form of an old flame

flickering back to life.

Or a new friend

who could end up being so much more.

Or a young child who awakens feelings

we didn't know we had.

And so we give in to temptation,

all the while knowing,

come morning,

we'll have to suffer the consequences.