Desperate Housewives (2004–2012): Season 1, Episode 8 - Guilty - full transcript

After Andrew accidentally runs over Juanita Solis, Bree and Rex help cover up the incident; Susan grows suspicious of Mike Delfino's real reason for moving to the street; Gabrielle questions the priest John confessed her adulterous affair.

"Previously on" Desperate Housewives...

- I want to move this place fast.
- I'll call you.

Edie, wait!

... incomprehensible that Edie Britt
would try to destroy us.

For five grand she's hurt,
ten grand she's gone.

Some neighbors hired help.

How can I pull off a formal dinner
with no warning?

And some helped themselves.

- I hate that she watches us.
- "Some just couldn't stop."

Smile, Gabrielle.

And one... didn't stop in time.

- Andrew, I need your help, honey.
- Mama?

There is a widely read book
that tells us everyone is a sinner.

There is a widely read book
that tells us everyone is a sinner.

Of course,
not everyone who reads this book

feels guilt over the bad things they do.

But Bree Van De Kamp did.

In fact, Bree had spent
most of her life feeling guilty.

As a child, she felt guilty
about not getting straight As.

As a teenager, she felt guilty about
letting her boyfriend go to second base.

As a newlywed, she felt guilty
about taking three weeks

to get out her thank-you cards.

But she knew
the transgressions of her past

were nothing compared with
the sin she was about to commit.

Can't we just tell the police
it was an accident?

This wasn't some simple D.U.I.

Not only was Andrew drinking,
he left the scene of the crime.

- That makes it a hit-and-run.
- I could go to Canada.

Till the statute of limitations is up.

You think Mom and Day will pay
for you to go moose hunting?

If Carlos' mother dies,
there is no statute of limitations.

- Because it's murder.
- Shut up!

- You shut up.
- It was an accident!

We have to get rid of the car.

But we can't sell it. The police might
find it and there could be D.N.A.

We'll take it to a bad part of town,

leave the keys in the ignition
and the doors unlocked.

If the police don't find it
we'll get the insurance

and if they do,
it wasn't in our possession.

Anyone could have hit Mrs. Solis.

That sounds good.

Bree, are you sure?

Our son could spend the rest of his life
in jail. I won't allow that.

Bree knew what
she was about to do was wrong.

But like most sinners, she would
worry about her guilt tomorrow.

But like most sinners, she would
worry about her guilt tomorrow.

Everybody should go wash up.

We're having pancakes for breakfast.

Not since my own suicide

had violence intruded upon
the serenity of life on Wisteria Lane

in such a conspicuous fashion.

Needless to say,
my friends attacked the problem head-on.

Lynette brought the broom,
Susan brought the trash bags,

and Bree brought
the industrial strength solvent.

Whoo. That stuff is strong.

It has to be.
I don't want Gabrielle and Carlos

coming home to this ugly reminder
in front of their house.

- Has anyone been over there?
- Julie and I went over this morning.

- How's Juanita doing?
- She's in a coma.

Nobody knows when
or even if she'll wake up.

This is awful.
Carlos must be just devastated.

I hope she wakes up
and tells us who was driving that car.

We can only hope.

Slow down, you jerk!
This is a residential neighborhood!

That's quite a pitching arm.

I've got four kids. I was up all night
reading statistics online.

One out of every four traffic accidents
happens on residential streets.

I hope whoever hit Juanita
gets put away for life.

Don't you think
that's a little bit extreme?

An innocent woman gets hit by a car and
the driver takes off? It's not extreme.

You should go home and get some rest.
Eat something.

You have messages from work.
Tanaka called. Said it was urgent.

- I can stay here with your mother.
- I need to be here if she wakes up.

You can't go on like this.

And what if she dies? People slip into
comas all the time and never come out.

Don't say that.
We need to stay positive.

- Mr. And Mrs. Solis.
- John.

- Is it OK if I come in?
- Of course.

Mr. Solis, I'm so sorry this happened.

It means a lot that you came.

I think I'm gonna go down
to the chapel and pray.

- You wanna come?
- Um...

No. I think I will stay here with Mama.

- Is it all right if I come?
- Course.

We need all the prayers we can get.

Mrs. Solis,
it's time for her sponge bath.

Come again?

Sometimes family members prefer to
administer sponge baths themselves.

I think I'll pass.


- Where's your purse?
- Over there. Why?

- What are you doing?
- Taking back the $40 you stole.

- Edie!
- I know you did it. Hand it over!

- Edie!
- I know you did it. Hand it over!

I have taken nothing from your purse.

If you're missing money, I'd ask one
of those men you parade through here.

I am not going to apologize
for having a healthy sex life.

Healthy? I'm going to
have to burn every sheet.

- I want my money.
- I want those non-fat peach yogurts.

They didn't just walk out of the fridge.

You can deduct it from the $40
that you're going to give me now.

You're my best friend.
Why would I steal from you?

It's no secret that you've been having
financial problems.

- I hear you bitching to your bank.
- That's it.

I can put up with your debauchery
and food theft,

but I will not tolerate spying.

- I want you out.
- You don't mean that.

Oh, yes, I do. I'm leaving tomorrow
to visit my sister for a few days.

I want you gone by the time I get back.

I'll do you one better.

I will leave today.

I hope this works. My sleep cycle's
totally out of whack.

I'm up all night,
then dozing off during the day.

Trust me. This will do the trick.

In fact, you should be
feeling more relaxed already.

- [Boys shout]
- You know, you're right.

Boys, I can hear you out there!
Be quiet! Just sit there and color.

- Now is not a good time to be moving.
- Sorry.

Just block everything out

and let it go.

Imagine that you're in a forest.

There's a babbling brook nearby.

And the wind is just coming
through the trees...

- Mommy?
- Parker!

I don't know... Ow!
"...what" you think you're doing,

but put that back where it belongs.

You were saying something about wind.

I was just creating a soothing image.

[Boys shout]

Oh, for the love of God.

Knock it off, you little monsters.

Mrs. Scavo, lie down.
We need to finish this.

I'm on my last nerves,
so I'm gonna level with you here.

I've screwed up my entire system
by taking my kids' A.D.D. Medication.

Yeah, you heard me. I plan to stop.
But right now I need to sleep

and I need more than a few crappy
needles, so what have you got?

I'm not licensed to write prescriptions.

- I know you're not.
- [Shouting continues]

This will put you right to sleep.
It's a very powerful herbal remedy.

Promise me you'll use it judiciously.

Sure. Whatever.

Knock, knock!

- Hey. Come on in.
- You're a mess.

I'm tearing out the leaky pipes
in the upstairs bathroom.

- Wall-to-wall rotten wood.
- Sounds like a job.

Julie said that you came by before.

Um... yeah. Uh... I was thinking about

driving up to the Germani vineyard
tomorrow for this wine tasting and...

- What time should I be ready?
- About 6:00.

6:00 is good.

All right.

I thought maybe afterwards we could have
a little dinner, maybe some dancing.

Sounds great.

Um... you do know that it's, like,
a two-hour drive up there.

Isn't that kind of late
to be coming back?

I thought if worse came to worse
we could... grab a room.

Oh? Like a hotel room?

- Yeah. As a last resort.
- Of course. Of course. Yes.

So maybe we should make a reservation.
You know, just in case.

Yeah, I found some hotels online.
Let me get the print-out.

Hey, Bongo. Come here.
Do you want a treat?

- Where do you keep the dog biscuits?
- Sorry, what?

Oh, never mind.

We'll just find them ourselves, huh?

Sorry, I couldn't hear you.
What did you say?

Nothing. It's not important.

[Phone rings]

It's my tiler guy.
Here. See what looks good.

Hey, Phil.

No, tomorrow morning
I'm making a lumber run. That's no good.

No, I'm gone tomorrow night, too.

- I could let him in.
- No, it's OK. Thanks.

It's fine. Just give me the key.
I'll be around all day.

All right. Um... thanks.

Phil, I'll give a key to my neighbor.
She'll be here to let you in.

Like every city,
Fairview had a neighborhood

that was less than desirable.

It was an accepted fact, anyone
who lingered there after midnight

was usually up to no good.

Rex and Bree Van De Kamp
were no exception.

You really think this is gonna work?

This is an impoverished

- Trust me. Somebody will steal the car.
- How can you be so sure?

Because I have faith in the poor.

[Paul] She's so beautiful.
I shot this last year on her birthday.

- How are you going to do it?
- I made contact with her at a bar.

She thinks I'm a real-estate developer.

- Is she going to suffer?
- No.

Edie Britt will disappear
and you'll go back to your life.

Before you do it, do you think you could
ask her why she sent this to my wife?

You can't think like that, Mr. Young.
You can't give in to your curiosity.

Curiosity leads to guilt.
Guilt leads to talking.

Do you still have questions?

I want to be clear about something. If
I walk away with this cash, it's done.

No refunds. No buyer's remorse.

I get it.

We won't talk again,
so I'll ask one more time.

Are you sure you want this?

My wife is dead because of Edie Britt.

I absolutely want this.

You've been awfully quiet.

I've just been thinking about the kids.

They sure grew up quickly, didn't they?

They sure did.

I told them when they were babies
that they shouldn't get bigger

because they were so adorable.

- And we were so happy.
- Yeah, well...

They sure didn't turn out
like we expected them to.

No. They didn't.

Oh, we could have been better parents.

Oh, we could have been better parents.

- We weren't that bad.
- We still have so much to teach them.

We need to show Andrew
the enormity of what he's done.

I suppose we could punish him.

What's the appropriate punishment
for a child who drives over a woman?

I don't know.

No matter how the kids turn out,
I still love them.

Course you do.

But I'll never forgive them
for growing up so quickly.

Hey, look.

And I opened the cabinet
and there was all this money in it.

- There was wads of it.
- You're freaking out over cash?

I've known this guy a few weeks.

He could be a hit man for the mob.

Then why are you going
on a trip with him?

I never get out of the house.

If you need to freak out, remember that
you're spending the night with Mike.

No man has seen you naked in years.
Except your doctor.

And he retired.
I try not to take that personally.

You look old in that.

Maybe I am being silly.

But going to a hotel with a man
is a big deal to me.

What if Mike is hiding something?

- Like what?
- I don't know.

- [Car horn]
- That's Dad. I gotta go.

Now, listen. No more freaking out.
I need this weekend to go well.

- Why do you care so much?
- I'm gonna have a husband some day.

I really don't want you living with us.

- [Bree] Are the lady fingers OK?
- They're terrific.

We just appreciate you all stopping by.

We just wanted you to know
how much we care.

So have the police
come up with any leads?

Not really. They'll be able to determine
the make and model of the car,

but without any eyewitnesses,
no one seems very optimistic.

Is there any good news about Juanita?

No change. All we can do
is wait and hope for the best.

- We put her on our prayer list.
- That's very sweet. Thank you.

It must really help
during times like these, having kids.

Yeah. They're a blessing.

Children make everything worthwhile.

You guys are the future. Legacy.


After we're all dead, you'll be
the only ones left to carry on.

Gabrielle and I
are about to start a family.

Oh! Hey, that's great!

- When did you decide this?
- It's a fairly recent development.

I see.

- We'll talk about this later.
- Face it. We're shallow people.

Can our lives have any meaning
if all we do is buy stuff?

- That depends on what we buy.
- I want a child.

In case you've forgotten,
we made a deal. No kids.

- Deals were meant to be renegotiated.
- We're not negotiating my uterus.

- We should probably be going.
- Yeah.

Thank you so much.

- That was weird.
- I feel awful for Carlos.

That talk about children
is obviously coming from his grief.

Whatever. I'm off the hook.

A weary Lynette drank her potent tea

in hopes of finally finding the sleep
that had eluded her.

Unfortunately for Lynette,
there would be no rest for the weary.

- [Doorbell]
- Go to hell.

- [Doorbell rings several times]
- Go to hell, go to hell.

[Urgent knocking]

Sorry we're late. Kenny Lipman
couldn't find his neckerchief.

Lori Jean, the Scout meeting is today?

- Mommy!
- What? Oh. Right.

OK. Boys.
This knot is called the bowline.

It is a remarkably useful knot.
Now, pick up your ropes.

First we cross this end over here

and then we make a loop
and then another loop

and then you sort of pull it through,
I'm guessing,

and then you just... Ready?
"...yank" it taut.

Mommy, that doesn't look like
the picture.

You're never gonna be a sailor.
What do you care?

OK, everybody. Let's just take a break.


OK. It's all up there.
Can I get a signature?

- Oh, course.
- Thank you very much.

- There you go. Have a nice weekend.
- You too, lady.

[Door slams shut]

- [Knocking]
- [Man] Hey, ma'am!

Are you still here?
I forgot to give you a receipt.




I need help! I'm up here!
I'm trapped in the floor! Hello!

If you came in here to judge me,
you can just leave.

Wait! Wait, no! Wait. Don't go.

I have an idea. Here.

Here. Grab the towel, Bongo.

Come on. Grab the other end. Good boy.

That's it. Get the other end.
Come on, Bongo. Pull the other end.

Come on, Bongo. What are you doing?
Bongo, over here.

Bongo? Oh! Oh! Don't do that! Oh, Bongo!

While Susan remained hopelessly stuck,

While Susan remained hopelessly stuck,

Gabrielle was moving
to confront the issue

of her young lover's
restless conscience.

- Nobody's home.
- I know. I came to talk to you.

- "But she would need to be discreet."
- Keep working.

What were you thinking
showing up at the hospital?

I had to see if she was OK.

You need to keep
a low profile right now.

Look, you and I are finished.

From now on, I'm sticking with Danielle.

- Why would you say that?
- I hate myself for what we did.

I can't sleep at night.
We've got to make a clean break.

We weren't driving the car. We didn't
chase Juanita into the street.

She was there
because we were having an affair.

Between you and Carlos! Listen to me.
You didn't do anything wrong.

- That's not what Father Crowley thinks.
- What?

I went to confession.

Have you lost your mind?
What did you tell him?

- Everything.
- Including...

in the alley? Behind the truck stop?

- Everything.
- Damn you!

What is wrong with you? Lassie would
have had a fire truck here by now.

You stupid dog.

Good boy, Bongo! Run, Bongo, run!
Go get help!


Andrew, um... I know the last few days
have been stressful

and if you ever need
to talk to anybody...

I know. You and Dad are here for me.

Actually, I was thinking
you could talk to a professional.

A shrink?

- You think I'm crazy?
- Course not.

It's just that the accident probably
stirred up a lot of emotions.

It would be normal for you to be feeling
confused or depressed or shamed.

I'm cool. Really.

You put a woman into a coma. Surely
that arouses some kind of emotion.

Yeah, well, it doesn't.

- If you'll excuse me.
- No! Not until you tell me.

- Why do you care?
- I need to know you're not a monster.

- You want to know how I feel?
- Yeah.

I feel bad that she got hurt.

But I also feel bad
that my car got dinged

because somebody didn't have the sense
to look both ways.

And I feel bad that now I'm gonna
have to ride my bike to school.

Andrew, you almost killed
another human being.

She's an old lady, OK?
She's lived her life.

I have my whole life ahead of me
and now it might be screwed up.

- That's what you should worry about.
- You don't seem to have a soul.

Give me one good reason
why I shouldn't call the police.

Because I'm your son.
That would make you the monster.

Hey, buddy.

- Susan, is that you?
- Mike? I'm upstairs. Sorta.

[Laughs] Hang on. I'll be right up.

- What happened?
- This bird flew in your bathroom window

and I tried to save it but uh...
it died.

- I don't think that's what happened.
- I don't think so either.

- Come here.
- Help me get out of here please.

Oh! Thank you.

Oh. You have no idea what that was like.

- You went through my cabinets?
- What?

- Oh, I can explain that.
- Get out of my house.

- Mike...
- Get out.

- Hello there!
- Good afternoon.

Oh! Well, isn't this
just as pretty as a picture book?

The plan is to put in a small condo.

You want to make some money
or pussyfoot around?

- What do you suggest?
- I'm thinking strip mall.

I've run some numbers.

- Nice stationery.
- Oh, it's stolen.

What do you mean?

After my house burned down,
I was staying with Martha Huber.

That is until
the old troll threw me out.

I'd steal her stuff, she'd steal mine.
It's the circle of life.

So this paper is hers?

Oh, God, yes.

[Children make noise]

No, Tom, you can't do this to me.

I need you home!
Boys, stop it! I am on the phone!

Yeah, I realize it's not your fault
that the meeting got postponed

but you promised you'd be back tonight.

- Mom!
- I gotta go.

The kids are... Yeah.

I know you're sorry. Will you try
and get back as soon as you can?

OK. Bye.

Boys, would you please, please stop it?

Really. Mommy's got a headache, OK?

# Dappled and drowsy
and ready to sleep...

Turn that damn thing off!

What's the matter with you?
Why won't you listen to me?

# All is groovy


[59th Street Bridge Song continues]

# Slow down, you move too fast

# You've got to make the morning last

# Just kicking down the cobbled stones

"# Looking for fun and feeling groovy #


I just came over to say I'm sorry.

And I'll pay for all the damage.

Don't worry about it.

Well... So...

In your mind, is the date off?

You snooped around my house
and went through my stuff.

Yeah. That's pretty much a deal breaker.

I started snooping around because
I found all that money by accident.

Then I found a gun.

- Are you a drug dealer?
- Is that what you think?

I wouldn't know because you never
let me in. You're completely walled off.

I have a gun for protection
and cash for emergencies.

I'm a good guy, Susan,
and you should know that.

I'm not obligated to share
every little detail...

Every little detail is one thing,
weird secrets is another.

- You don't trust me.
- Maybe we shouldn't be dating.

Maybe we shouldn't.

- Do you mean that?
- Yeah.

I hope your little secret
keeps you warm at night

because you're throwing something
really great away to protect it.

Oh, Susan!
You gotta take my kids for a while.

- This really isn't a good time.
- I'm sorry but I can't do this.

It's too much.
Boys, you stay with your Aunt Susan.


Lynette, when are you coming back?



She's gotta be close.

I hope the kids
aren't too much for Danielle.

She'll be fine. What do you think
is happening with Lynette?

I don't know. But I'm scared.
Something's very, very wrong.

Lynette? Honey?

Are you OK?

Father. I'm so glad you could come
and pray for Mama.

- Please, sit.
- Thank you, Gabrielle.

Since you're here. There's something
I've always wondered about.

That whole thing about priests

not being allowed to repeat
what they hear in confessions.

Is that a hard rule
or just a general guideline?

Rest assured,
everyone's secrets are safe.

That's good to hear.

I'll keep yours too if you want to talk.

Me? No, no.
Confession's not really my thing.

That's a shame.

You can stop condemning me
with your eyes.

Right now.

I know you know about the affair.

But you know nothing about my life.

It's not even an issue any more.
John and I are finished.

Gabrielle, the Church is clear on this.

If you commit a mortal sin
and you die without repenting,

you go to hell.

Well, aren't you just a ball of fun?

So if I confess,
it'll clean the slate, right?

Not only that. If you want God's
forgiveness you have to be truly sorry

and promise not to commit the sin again.

So what happens if I repent later?

Like, say, when I'm 75?

What if you die before then?

Let's say I don't die?
I do yoga. I eat well.

If I wait,
does my repenting still count?

If you mean it, yes.

Thank you, Father Crowley.
You have been a tremendous comfort.

Um... I will let you do your thing.


We're all responsible
for the choices we make.

- Don't you want to be a good person?
- What I want is to be happy.

That's the answer of a selfish child.

I know.

I started taking the pills
because they gave me energy

but then I couldn't sleep at night
and I was so tired in the daytime and...

It totally messed me up.

I love my kids so much.
I'm so sorry they have me as a mother.

Lynette, you're a great mother.

No, I'm not.

I can't do it.

I'm so tired of feeling like a failure.
It's so humiliating.

No, it's not!

So you got addicted to your kids'
A.D.D. Medication. It happens.

You've got four kids. That's a lot
of stress. You just need help.

That's what so humiliating.
Other moms don't need help.

Other moms make it look so easy.
All I do is complain.

That's just not true!

When Julie was a baby,
I was out of my mind almost every day.

I got so upset
when Andrew and Danielle were little,

I used their nap times to cry.

I used their nap times to cry.

Why didn't you ever tell me this?

Oh, baby. Nobody likes to admit
that they can't handle the pressure.

I think it's just like we think, you
know, it's easier to keep it all in.

Oh, we shouldn't!
We should tell each other this stuff!

- It helps, huh?
- Yeah.

It really does.

So it was Martha Huber all along.

Seems so. Edie didn't move in with Huber
until after your wife received the note.

My God,
we almost killed an innocent woman.

Like I said, I don't do refunds,

but if you like,
I'm willing to pay Mrs. Huber a visit.

No. Just keep the money.

This whole thing's been tearing me up.
The nightmares, the guilt.

This isn't what Mary Alice
would have wanted.

What would she have wanted?


- Hello, Mrs. Huber.
- Paul.

- Let me help.
- That's not necessary.

I insist.

- Ants, huh?
- Yes.

I've had a little infestation problem.

I wanted to take care of it
before my trip.

Never had a problem with ants.

Mary Alice and I had
these little black flies once.

- Oh?
- She was so funny about it.

She ran out and bought herself a can
of poison something to spray them down.

So she's taking aim at one
on the counter and she just stops.

Puts the can down. Couldn't do it.

She told me later it felt too personal.

Literally couldn't kill a fly.
That's how gentle she was.

Then you must have lived with
quite a few flies.

I'm going to have to say
good night to you now, Paul.

- What are you doing here?
- I want to know why.


I know you've got a lot of questions
and I know I don't want to lose you.

So ask me anything you want.

You just told me
everything I need to know.

All right. My idiot husband died
and left me with a worthless pension.

I was desperate for money

and I'd rather take it
from a bad person than a good one.

- I didn't know she'd shoot herself.
- She was a good person.

A good person
who leaves her child motherless?

Read the Bible. Suicide's a big no-no.

- Don't you feel any remorse?
- Why should I?

Your wife didn't kill herself
because I wrote a note.

She killed herself because
of what she did to that poor baby.

But rest assured
I'm praying for Mary Alice.

After what she did,
she'll need all of our prayers.

There is a widely-read book
that tells us everyone is a sinner.

Of course, not everyone feels guilt
over the bad things they do.

In contrast, there are those who assume
more than their share of the blame.

There are others
who soothe their consciences

with small acts of kindness.

Or by telling themselves
their sins were justified.

Finally, there are the ones
who simply vow to do better next time,

and pray for forgiveness.

Sometimes, their prayers are answered.