Desperate Housewives (2004–2012): Season 1, Episode 7 - Anything You Can Do - full transcript

- "Previously on" Desperate Housewives...
- What is it you hired me to do?

Someone sent that to my wife.
I need to know who.

Some secrets were discovered.

After Mom died, I started remembering
what happened to Dana.

- Dana?
- What are you doing?

Some secrets were uncovered.

Could be anyone
she's having an affair with.

Don't worry.
I'm not letting her out of my sight.

- "And some secrets..."
- Jordana Geist gets her work done.

- How do you cram it all in?
- "... were shared."

That's ADD medication.



Competition. It means different things
to different people.

Competition. It means different things
to different people.

In suburbia,
it means keeping up with the Joneses.

On Wisteria Lane, that means
keeping up with Bree Van De Kamp.

Everyone knew Bree had
the nicest lawn in the neighborhood.

And no one begrudged her this.

No one, that is, except Martha Huber,

whose own lawn paled in comparison.

No matter how carefully she trimmed,

or how lovingly she watered...

or how generously she fertilized,

the grass was always greener
on the other side of the fence.

Hello, Victor. How are you today?

- Out jogging again?
- I can't... catch my breath.



Would you like a slurp from my hose?

[Groans]

Victor?

Victor?

Don't worry.
I'm gonna get an ambulance.

Then one day, Mrs. Huber finally got
the chance to mow down the competition.

Help! Somebody help!

[Gasps] What happened?

He collapsed on your hydrangeas.
Call 911!

[Radio chatter]

[Radio chatter]

Yes, Mrs. Huber understood
the first rule of competition:

In order to win,
you have to want it more.

"When I was alive, my friends and I
came together once a month

for a meeting
of the Wisteria Lane Book Club.

We found the problems
of literary characters so absorbing.

The way they dealt with adversity,

conducted illicit affairs,

endured domestic dramas,

and planned romantic conquests.

But since my death, my friends
had lost their interest in fiction.

So, what did everybody think?

Their own problems
had become absorbing enough.

I thought the character
of Madame Bovary was very inspirational.

[Baby gurgles]

Inspirational? [scoffs]
She poisons herself with arsenic.

- [Lynette] Really?
- You didn't read until the end?

[Lynette] I stopped after page 50.

- Am I the only one who read the book?
- I saw the movie. It was good.

Ladies, I'm sorry, but
what is the point of having a book club

if we don't read the book?

- More wine?
- [Murmured assent]

Sue, Reba, Emma and Lori, would you
girls come and help me with the snacks?

Sure.

I will be right in.

God, I couldn't wait to get rid of them!

OK, so Lynette said
that you found Zach.

He's at a rehabilitation center.
Julie snuck in and talked to him.

Did he talk about his mother's suicide?

There wasn't time. He said
one thing that was mysterious.

He said something happened
to someone named Dana

and that he could never talk about it.

- Who's Dana?
- That's the mystery.

I figure Dana has something to do
with what Mary Alice was trying to hide.

Somebody found out
Mary Alice's secret...

- And sent the note.
- So who the hell is that?

Stationery is Parcher No.17.
100% cotton.

It's made by Cyprus Office Products.

They have stores in 12 cities,
including yours.

We traced that postmark
back to your local post office.

Meaning?

The blackmailer's probably
someone you know.

A neighbor, milkman,
pool boy, soccer mom.

Soccer mom?

Mr. Young,
sometimes evil drives a minivan.

I had this gig once,

checking on this PTA mom who was
hell-bent on landing her daughter

a spot on the parade float.

She fed antifreeze
to half the homecoming committee.

- Did you catch her?
- Mr. Young...

The people who hired me
didn't hire me to catch her.

Wow, honey!
This place looks spotless.

Thanks.

So I have come up with this killer idea
for the Spotless Scrub campaign.

- Great. Want to run it by me?
- No. I'm good.

- But thanks.
- Oh. OK. [laughs]

You know how whenever I pitch
Hennessey always tears my ideas down?

You know how whenever I pitch
Hennessey always tears my ideas down?

I invited the partners and their wives
over so I could pitch to them here.

I thought we could make
a formal dinner for six...

When exactly would this take place?

- Ah, the day after tomorrow.
- Tom!

- I know it's short notice.
- You think?

How can I pull off a formal dinner
with no warning?

Bree Van De Kamp
does this kind of thing all the time.

- What did you say?
- I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that.

Forget it. I'll call and cancel.
Just don't worry about it.

No. No, let's do it.

Really?

Yeah. It's good for your career.
I'll pull it off.

Yes! Honey, thank you.

I promise, I land this account and I am
gonna buy you something awful pretty.

Luckily for Tom,
Lynette had a recipe for success.

Unfortunately for her,
she was missing the secret ingredient.

[Lawnmower]

[Mobile phone rings]

- Yeah.
- "It's me."

Don't! My mother-in-law can see you.

- I hate that she's watching us.
- Meet me at the motel in an hour.

- "John?"
- Uh... I've got plans.

So cancel.

[Sighs] They're with Danielle.
We're going to the movies.

- That sounds like a date.
- Yeah.

Well, I have a problem
with you seeing other girls.

I have a problem with you having a
husband. We both have to learn to deal.

[Mobile phone rings]

Don't even try to make it up to me
by talking dirty.

Hello?

Mr. And Mrs. Van De Kamp.

So, your son decided to entertain
some of his friends yesterday

by shoving a freshman's head
into a locker.

- The Johnson boy?
- Yes. He broke the boy's nose.

Because of our no tolerance policy,
he may face expulsion.

You're gonna ruin his future
over roughhousing?

Rex, this was practically assault.

Mrs. Stark,
what Andrew did was clearly wrong.

But his mother and I are going
through severe marital problems.

- Is that relevant?
- Our marriage is disintegrating.

Of course Andrew is acting out.
He's angry.

If he's angry about you moving out,
he should shove your head into a locker.

All I'm saying is we need to take
some of the responsibility here.

So does Andrew.
Blaming his actions on our problems,

which are not serious,
does not help him.

- Our problems are serious.
- Handle this however you see fit.

Bree, I've gone to an attorney.

You're gonna be served
with divorce papers later today.

- You went to an attorney?
- Yeah.

And a good one, too.

He'd better be, 'cause when I'm finished
with you, you won't have a cent.

Bring it on.

Perhaps detention is the way to go.

Mom, you're getting too dressed up.

I know, but I wanna look really sexy.

I told Mike I expect him
to have you home by 11:00.

- Hm. How about midnight?
- All right, but no later.

You know how I worry.
So, you got protection?

Oh, my God!
We are so not having this conversation.

We are, because I enjoy
being an only child.

- Are you finished?
- Almost.

I always assumed I'd have sex for
the first time before you had it again.

OK, you can leave now.

What do you think? Trying too hard?

What do you know? It's 80 degrees
outside and you're wearing fur.

- [Dog whimpers]
- [Knock on door]

Hiya, Mike.

Hey, Edie.

Wow! Get a load of you!
You look so pretty!

- I hardly recognize you.
- Oh, this? [laughs]

Well, I have a date.
Right now. With Mike.

We kissed, F.Y.I.

Ooh, love that jacket. Good choice.

Um, Susan, I am really sorry,
but I've got to cancel.

I have an unexpected house guest.

Coming through. Ooh, sorry.
Hi. I'm Kendra.

- Susan.
- I'm gonna get my stuff.

I know how this looks,
but there's nothing between us.

- Kendra's just an old friend.
- Old friend.

- Yeah, you know...
- Yeah, yeah.

No, actually, no, I don't know.

By old friend you mean college pal?
Saved you from drowning?

- It's hard to explain.
- Could you give it a shot?

Mike, I'm gonna go upstairs
and take a shower.

Look, I promise
I'll make this up to you.

- And... you look amazing.
- [Kendra] Mike! Where are the towels?

Thanks.

Hey. How was your big date?

Mike had to reschedule.

Oh. Because of the hot girl?

With the suitcase? Over there?

Gosh, how devastating for you... F.Y.I.

I just want to move this place fast.
I'll do whatever we have to do.

That's good to know.

You'll have to disclose the fact that
your wife killed herself in the house.

- I will?
- Oh, yeah. Legal crap.

People get really freaked out
by suicides.

You can't blame them. Hell.
I get the willies just standing here.

- Is there any way to get around it?
- Off the record?

Yeah.

You could say that she shot herself
in the living room

and then crawled out back to die.

I'm just saying.

Oh, I gotta go. I'll call you tomorrow.

Edie, wait!

Paul had always known

Edie Britt was capable
of doing anything to close a deal.

But now he realized
she was capable of so much more.

- Hey, Danielle.
- Hey, Mrs. Solis.

Oh, Danielle, remember
when you said you wanted to be a model?

You remember? That was last summer.

Perchik Modeling Academy has
an opening for their summer program.

- Would you like me to sponsor you?
- That's one of the best schools.

- You would do that for me?
- I sure would.

I would so love to go to New York.

Oh, and I would so love
to help you get there.

[Children talking and laughing]

- Hey, Jordana.
- Hey, Lynette. How are you?

You look a little tired.
Is everything OK?

I'm getting ready for
a dinner party tomorrow. Six people.

- Sounds fun.
- Big fun.

You wouldn't have any of your kids'
ADD medication you could spare,

- just to get me over the hump?
- Tina! Don't push your sister.

Gosh, Lynette...
I'm really running low.

I need all my energy I can get.

My sister Elaine and her kids
are flying into town for a week.

That's exciting.
I wish my sister would visit more often.

Yeah, sisters are great.

Three or four pills.
I'm hitting the wall.

Yeah, the comedown can be a real bitch.
I wish I could help.

- I'm not gonna forget about this.
- What's that supposed to mean?

Come Girl Scout cookie time,
don't bring around little Tina

because we won't be home.

What's all this about?

You know your mother and I
have been unhappy for a while.

We've decided that it would be better
if we got divorced.

But whatever problems we have,

it doesn't change the fact
that we love you very, very much.

- I've got a question.
- Go ahead. Ask whatever you want.

Can I live with Dad?

Come on, Mom, let's face it.
We drive each other crazy.

Danielle, would you prefer
to live with your father?

I don't really care,
as long as I have my own bathroom.

Um... all this, um... wine is, uh...
giving me a... headache.

Six weeks in the suburban jungle,
and this is all you got?

There are over 300 families
in this subdivision.

It'll take time to check 'em all out.

- Dad said you were ready to quit.
- I changed my mind.

This is a gigantic waste
of your time and my father's money.

Are you afraid
he'll spend your inheritance?

That's not funny.

- Mike, here's the thing.
- What?

Dad can't chase ghosts alone.

If you stop,
he'll have to accept it's over.

Let me have my father back.

If I quit he'll just hire somebody else.

Not if you tell him
there's nothing here to find.

I can't do that.

What happens when
your girlfriend finds out

you're not just the sweet,
neighborly plumber?

You're lying to her, Mike.

Oh, here it is.

Great.
This'll keep the crab dip warm.

It took forever
to shell the little buggers.

You shelled your own crabs?

Are you doing too much?
'Cause you look exhausted.

I'm fine. I just need some coffee.
Thank you.

Oh, my God! Look at this embroidery!

"Dana." Where did this come from?

Paul Young's garage sale.

Dana.

Dana was a baby.

Surprise.

- No way!
- It's all yours. Here are the keys.

- Rex, what's this about?
- I went and splurged a little.

Oh, Danielle, here's your present.

- Luggage?
- Yeah.

It's to take to the Perchik Modeling
Academy. I'm footing the bill.

- I can go to New York?
- Wait a minute.

- What's this about a modeling academy?
- Mrs. Solis is sponsoring me.

When were you planning on telling me?

I think it's a great idea.

Don't you two see what he's doing?
He's trying to buy your love.

For God's sake. Don't be paranoid.

A car? A modeling academy?

You should have discussed these gifts
with me first. We cannot accept them.

You can't let her do this.

We just told the kids
we're getting divorced.

- It's time to spoil them a little.
- I said no.

You know what? They're my kids too,
and I can give them anything I want.

There you go.

- Thank you, Daddy.
- Yes.

[Danielle squeals]

Did you offer to help Danielle
get into modeling school?

What? Uh... yes... No.

Um... Is that how she heard it?

Yes. Gabrielle, did you
or did you not offer to sponsor her?

- I just wanted to help out.
- It's in New York!

Why would you suggest that?

It's her dream.
Don't you want her to be happy?

No. And I would appreciate you keeping
your ridiculous ideas to yourself.

Bree!

[Sighs]

John.

John!

You're so jealous of Danielle
you tried to ship her off?

I'm not jealous.
I just don't like to share.

Well, you know what? I quit.
The yard. Us. Everything.

Oh, don't be that way.

What's the point, if we can never
be together? An hour here and there.

I don't want us to end on a bad note.
Carlos has this black tie thing...

- Mrs. Solis!
- John, please.

What we had was so special.

I think it deserves a proper goodbye.

We'd, um... We'd still be over, though.

Of course.

[Shouting]

- I knew this was a good idea.
- Thank you for suggesting it.

Your boys are the only ones
who could tire out Timmy.

[Shouting]

- Yep, he's a feisty one.
- [Laughs]

Word on the street is,
um, you medicate Timmy.

Oh, yeah. For his ADD.

- The pills have been a godsend.
- I bet. [laughs]

Can I use your bathroom?

As Lynette swallowed the stolen
medication of an eight-year-old child,

she vowed she'd never again
sink to such depths.

Any time soon.

Looks like you've got your blackmailer.

- Is it time to bring in the police?
- That's not really an option for me.

Hm.

Before my wife shot herself,
we lived a life that I was proud of.

We loved each other.
We had values. We went to church.

We gave to charity.
We were good people, Mr. Shaw.

Oh, I believe you.

That's why it's so incomprehensible
that Edie Britt would try to destroy us.

Well, you've suffered a great loss.

For your pain to heal,
that's gonna take some time.

I can't wait.

I need help now.

For five grand she's hurt,
ten grand she's gone.

- Mom, what's going on?
- Oh, I'm throwing you out.

I've separated all your things.

This side is yours, Danielle,
and the other one is Andrew's.

- [Sniggers] OK, you've lost it.
- Where are we supposed to live?

I don't know. Everything in the north
quadrant of yours is clothes and books.

The south side are miscellaneous items.

Mom, this isn't gonna work.
I'm not giving up my car.

That's smart. You'll probably
have to sleep in it for a while.

You can't stop us
from going inside the house.

No? That's Mr. Conlin, the locksmith.
He's been very helpful today.

I could give you the new keys
if you'd adhere to my rules,

which include
giving back your father's gifts.

OK, fine. You win.
I won't go to New York.

I'm outta here.

[Sighs]

Oh, hello. Welcome. I'm Edie.
How do you do?

An open house in the suburbs?
This is beyond kitsch.

This is one of the houses
I've had a hard time getting into.

God, I wish you would let this go.

I'm taking you out tonight.
There's this cowboy bar you need to see.

Why?

It's the last place
anybody ever saw your sister.

Susan. What brings you here?

I just wanted to say goodbye
to Mary Alice's house

- before somebody else moved in.
- Aw.

That sounds almost plausible.

- I beg your pardon?
- Oh, come on.

We both know why you're here.

And the answer is yes,
they are having sex. No question.

And the answer is yes,
they are having sex. No question.

- They're just friends.
- Hm. Think so?

They're going to the Saddle Ranch
tonight for drinks and dancing.

Friends can do that.

Oh, my God,
I just want to slap and shake you.

Where did you say
they were going tonight?

[# Country music]

Why did I let you
talk me into coming here?

There is obviously
nothing going on between them.

- Where are you going?
- To the bathroom then home.

- I don't want Mike to catch me.
- It's only been ten minutes.

She could be waiting
to make her move.

You're not gonna beat a girl like that
by knocking off early.

- It's not a competition.
- The hell it isn't.

Good night, Edie.

Suit yourself. But for the record...
I was rooting for you to land him.

And why would you root for me?

I figured it'd be easier for me
to steal Mike from you than her.

She seems like fun.

- Just take some antacid.
- It's not those kind of cramps.

This is a business dinner.
It's important.

- [Moans]
- Relax.

You and I can go alone.
Gabrielle can stay here and get better.

- Fine. See you in a couple of hours.
- OK.

- Take good care of Carlos.
- Oh, I always do.

[Whooping and cheering]

- [Woman] Yee-hah!
- [Man] Go, Edie!

Woo-hoo!

Oh, God.

Mike!

What a small, small world.

Yeah, it sure is.
I caught Edie hiding in the back.

No kidding. Is she here?

Yeah. Yeah, she said, "The jig is up,"
and then she went to ride the bull.

- And she said you two came together.
- Oh, well, yeah.

We did. I just thought she left.

- Were you following me?
- What?

No! No, I just came here,
you know, with Edie.

We just love to ride that bull.

- You? Ride the bull?
- Yeah. Yeah, it's a real rush.

Come on, Susan. Give me a break.

You give me a break.
I did not follow you here.

Even if I did, it's just because
you've been secretive about Kendra.

- Kendra and I are friends.
- And I came here to ride the bull.

Whoo! We got another one
to ride the bull!

OK, little doggie, you're up.

Oh, fun. I'm a doggie.

Oh, yeah. I'm here to ride this bull.

Check it out. Whoo!

Yeah! Whoo!

Baby! Whoo!

Andrew, you promised
you'd stay with your mother.

Dad, she wants me out.
She put all my stuff on the front lawn.

This is ridiculous. I'm gonna call her
and smooth all this out.

- You're going home.
- Dad, why?

Now I can live with you without guilt.

It'll be like
our own little bachelor pad.

- What?
- Son, that's not gonna happen.

- Why not?
- Andrew...

These last few months
have been incredibly difficult for me.

There are things I've got to work out

and I can't do it
if you're living with me. I'm sorry.

I don't care. I'm not going back there.

- I don't think you have a choice.
- But, Dad...

Uh-uh.

Oh, come on now. Don't...

Heath? Yeah, it's me.

Do you still have your fake ID?

I've got to go home and kiss my mother's
ass and I'm not going to do it sober.

[Forced laugh]

- [Man]... more than I needed to know.
- [Laughter]

He was in shock. He was totally shocked.

He said, "Congressman, this was
not the vote. You voted already."

- [Man] That's what it was.
- [Woman] I love that one!

Oh, the desserts look wonderful.

- Do you need any help?
- I got it covered. No problem.

OK, Scavo. You're up.
Let's hear this genius idea of yours.

OK. Uh...

OK.

The single greatest obstacle facing
Spotless Scrub is a lack of visibility.

We need to concentrate ad spending

in places where women spend
the majority of their time.

For example, large chain grocery stores.

Picture Spotless Scrub ads on the
side of every mother's shopping cart.

- Interesting.
- You know what'd be better?

- Dry-cleaning bags.
- What?

No, hear me out.

Put a big ad between
a woman and her cashmere sweater.

- You'll get her attention.
- I'm in the middle of a thing here.

Oh!

She's got a point. I would notice that.

And those dry-cleaning bags
hang in our closets forever.

- So it is like constant advertising.
- Exactly!

- Maybe we can work that in...
- This is a fantastic idea.

- Can we go nationwide with this?
- Start by targeting the top chain.

Then branch out from there.
Boom, boom, boom. Mass saturation.

And you know what else would be great?

While Lynette was commanding
everyone's attention...

Susan was trying to remain
inconspicuous.

Everybody's looking at me, aren't they?

Just the slapstick fans.

Oh, God, why couldn't I have
just been knocked unconscious?

- Beer?
- Absolutely.

Oh.

Ow! Ow, ow.

- Susan, this is Kendra.
- We've been introduced.

No. We've been friends for years.

She's here on a visit.

- That's it.
- It's true.

I have no designs
on this man whatsoever.

I'll be right back.

- Sorry about the misunderstanding.
- Me, too.

So how long have you two
been seeing each other?

Well, you sort of interrupted
our first date.

But up until then,
smoking-hot tension.

- Sounds pathetic, I know.
- No, it's good to take it slow.

You'd be smart to be careful.

- Any particular reason?
- Look...

Mike's a wonderful guy. Really.

But you should ask him
why he moved to Wisteria Lane.

It's one hell of a story.

Here. Got some ice.

- There you go.
- Thanks.

Well, it's been fun.
Thanks, guys. See you later.

Hoo-wee!

- Good evening.
- Good evening.

Have a seat.

I could get used to
this whole closure thing.

I love long goodbyes.

Wait around the corner.
I'll be right back.

Smile, Gabrielle.

Well, that's it, then.

What are you doing? She had a camera.
We've got to catch her.

Mrs. Solis, your husband's
going to kill us. Come on!

- [Juanita] Leave me alone.
- [John] Give me that camera!

- I'm not kidding, old woman!
- Stay away from me! Don't touch me!

No.

No, you go home. I'll take care of this.

And you were never here. Go.

Go!

Did you see that? A guy came barreling
around the corner and just hit her.

- Do you have a cell phone?
- Yeah.

Call 911.

- What happened?
- Is she breathing?

As Juanita teetered dangerously close
to the white light,

Lynette and Tom were headed
into a black hole.

I was just participating.

Your participation was supposed
to be limited to making dinner,

not making my ideas look bad.

Maybe you need better ideas.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean that.

No, we both know that your career

was going better than mine
before we had kids.

- You never let me forget that.
- That is not fair.

You were always competing with me,
and judging by tonight, you still are.

Tom, I am sorry about tonight. Truly.

But if I'm competing it's with
the Bree Van De Kamps of the world,

with their spotless kitchens
and their perfect kids,

who throw fabulous parties
where nothing ever goes wrong.

I try so hard to keep up but I can't.

And when you work on a pitch,
I am reminded of a world I left behind,

where I was the winner
and people tried to keep up with me.

I can't go back,
I can't win where I am.

I am stuck in the middle
and it is really starting to get to me.

Whoa! For your information, I thought
you threw an amazing dinner party.

I was thrilled. I don't know
how you pulled it all together.

- Yeah, well...
- And whether you believe it or not,

everyone who knows you thinks
that you are a great wife and mother.

- No, they don't.
- Yes, they do.

Especially me.

Thanks.

What's wrong with your eyes?

Nothing. I'm tired. [scoffs]

- Turn around. I want to look at you.
- I'm fine.

[Siren blares]

What's going on outside?

[Medic] Right there.

Thank God you're here. Will you take
care of Gabrielle for a minute?

All right.

Oh, Andrew. Thank God you're back.
I need your help, honey.

There's been an accident.

Andrew?

Mama?

[Gasps] Andrew!

Rex, you need to come home.

Something's happened and we need you.

Competition. It means different things
to different people.

But whether it's a friendly rivalry

or a fight to the death...

Cheers.

... the end result is the same.

There will be winners...

and there will be losers.

Of course, the trick is...

to know which battles to fight.

You see,

no victory comes without a price.