Desperate Housewives (2004–2012): Season 1, Episode 2 - Ah, But Underneath - full transcript

Gabrielle goes to great lengths to hide her affair with her gardener, John; Lynette tries to discipline her twin boys with tough love; Bree and Rex try marriage counseling.

Previously on Desperate Housewives...

If Mary Alice was having a crisis,
we'd have known.

She lives 50 feet away, for God's sakes.

Gabby, the woman killed herself.
Something must've been going on.

Every time I'm around that man,
he tries to grab my ass.

I made over 200,000
doing business with him last year.

If he wants to grab your ass, let him.

Why aren't you happy?

It turns out I wanted
all the wrong things.

- What's that?
- A letter addressed to Mary Alice.

Oh, Mary Alice, what did you do?

An odd thing happens
when we die.

Our senses vanish.

Taste, touch, smell and sound
become a distant memory.

But our sight? Ah, our sight expands.

And we can suddenly se the world
we've left behind so clearly.

Of course, most of what's visible to the
dead could also be sen by the living.

If they'd only take the time to look.

Like my friend Gabrielle.

I should've sen how unhappy
she was, but I didn't.

I only saw her clothes from Paris...

...her platinum jewelry...

...and her brand-new diamond watch.

Had I looked closer, I'd have sen
that Gabrielle was a drowning woman

desperately in search of a life raft.

Luckily for her, she found one.

Of course, Gabrielle
only saw her young gardener

as a way to infuse her life
with a little excitement.

But now she was about to discover
just how exciting her life could get.

- Damn it. Come on.
- Whoa!

Come on, hurry!

Let's go, let's go.

- Where's my clothes?
- I'll find them. Get out.


- Out the window.
- What?

- Go! Go!
- Aggh! Uh!

- Hi, honey, you're home early.
- My meeting got cancelled.

- Didn't you shower this morning?
- I, uh, just finished a workout.

Mm. Where's John?

- John?
- Yeah. That's his truck out front.

Gabrielle was panicked.

- Hey, Mr. Solis.
- Hey, John.

- Did you take care of the ficus?
- I'll do it as soon as I'm done.

All right.

She was quickly reminded

- that what Carlos couldn't se...
- Yeah. Sure, no problem.

...couldn't hurt her.

The peaceful facade of Wisteria Lane
had recently ben shattered.

First, by my suicide.

And then by the discovery
of a note among my belongings

that suggested a suspicious reason
for my desperate act.

My friends gathered
to discuss its implications.

We should give it to Paul.

He's still mourning, Susan.
He'll probably freak out.

She was his wife.
He deserves to have all the facts.

We could do it gently. We could tell him
about it over coffee and pastry.

That'll be fun. "We have proof your wife
killed herself over a dark secret."

- "Another bear claw?"
- We could always call the police.

Maybe it's just some sort of sick joke.

If it was, it was in very poor taste.

No, this was serious. I know it was.

We got to find out what was going on.

There's a chance
we're not gonna like what we find.

Isn't it worse to be in the dark,

imagining she did
all these horrible things?

It's the age-old question. How much do
we want to know about our neighbors?

My friends were right to be concerned.

They knew that every family
has its secrets.

And as my son and husband
could've told them,

you ned to think carefully
before digging them up.

After talking for hours,

my friends still hadn't agred
on what to do with the note.

So they decided to talk about it in
the morning after a good night's rest.

But no one could fall aslep that night.

They each kept thinking of my suicide.

And how terribly alone I must've felt.

You se, loneliness was something
my friends understood.

All too well.

It's OK, I'm up.

Good. I have a question for you.


- Remember when you proposed?
- For God's sake.

We sat on Skyline Drive
and drank a bottle of apple wine

and you turned to me and you said,

"If you marry me, Bree Mason,

I promise to love you
for the rest of my life."

Even though I was engaged to Ty Grant,
and my father didn't like you,

- I said yes.
- That was a long time ago.

Cancel the meeting
with the divorce lawyer.

We'll find a marriage counselor.

- Bree...
- You promised.

All right.

Good. I'm going to make myself
some warm milk.

- Would you like something to drink?
- Anything but apple wine.

Susan awoke that night
alone and parched.

But as she gazed out her window,

she saw the tall drink of water
she neded to quench her thirst.

"Dear Diary,
Mike doesn't know I'm alive."

- Shut up.
- You're gonna have to ask him out.

- I keep hoping he'll ask me out.
- How's that going?

Shouldn't you be making brownies
for your friends?

- Have you seen the measuring cup?
- The measuring cup?

- Yeah.
- Mm.

Oh! Oh.

I... Well, it's got to be here
somewhere. Just keep looking.

- I know you're awake.
- I know you're a jerk.

Dinner with Tanaka ran long. I'm sorry.

I didn't marry you so I could have
dinner alone six times a week.

You know how bored I was? I came
this close to cleaning the house.

Don't be that way. I got you a gift.

Nope. No, no, no, no. You're not gonna
buy your way out of this one.

It's a good gift.

- Is that white gold?
- Yeah. Put it on.

And then make love to me.

I'm not in the mood.

But we could stay up and talk.

When a man buys a woman jewelry,

there are many things
he may want in return.

For future reference,
conversation ain't one of 'em.

- Hey, that was a joke.
- Yeah, right.

- What the hell's wrong with you?
- Let go of me.

- You've been a nightmare for a month.
- Stop.

I can't fix it unless you tell me.

It's not exciting anymore, Carlos.

So what am I supposed to do?

I don't know. Be the way you used to be.

Surprise me. Take my breath away.



- Hey, Susan.
- Mike.

What's wrong?

I didn't realize anybody was gonna be
out here. I just rolled out of bed.

I'm sure you look fine.

Oh... Bongo, Bongo, Bongo.

Hey, hey, come on.
Sorry, he scares easy.

No, no, it's fine. I get it.

I didn't mean to disturb you.
I'II... I'll see you later.

- Do you want to have dinner with me?
- Just the two of us?

Well... and... and Julie.

Uh... it's a thing we do
when somebody moves in.

We invite them over for
a home-cooked meal. It's a tradition.

- I thought you were a lousy cook.
- Well, I order take-out.

You invite 'em for home-cooking
and give 'em take-out?

Yeah, ah, it's sort of a new tradition.
I'm working out the kinks.

I'll tell you what. How about I cook?
You guys come over to my place.

Oh, great.

- Friday night at six?
- I'll be there.

Right. Come on.

Bye, Bongo.


Julie! Mike Delfino just invited us
to dinner Friday night.

He did? Cool.

But only I'm going because
you're gonna come down with something

that requires bed rest and fluids.

Julie was glad
Susan was rekindling her love life.

Of course, she was unaware of her
mother's recent track record with fire.

It's all gone. Everything my ex-husband
worked for all those years, gone.

Don't worry about clothing.

I already started a collection
from the neighborhood.

What? I don't want to wear
other people's old crap.

You can be homeless or ungracious.
You really can't afford to be both.

That reminds me. My insurance check
still hasn't come yet.

Could I stay with you
a few more weeks?

Of course. What kind
of Christian would I be

if I denied shelter to a friend in need?

Oh, look.
Here's something we can salvage.

Your measuring cup.

We can scrape of the burnt part
and it'll look good as new.

That's not my cup. Mine was plastic.

- Well, how did it get in here?
- I don't know. Who cares?

Now, would you put that down
and start looking for jewelry.

Dr. Albert Goldfine
was the most accomplished

marriage counselor in the city.

He had dealt with problems
ranging from substance abuse... infidelity... domestic violence.

Yes, Dr. Goldfine
thought he had sen it all.

And then he met the Van De Kamps.

Hi. I'm Bree.
And this is my husband Rex.

And I brought you
some homemade potpourri.

The answer is yes.
You're about to make a fortune off us.

- Ah, get off!
- Boys!

Guys, I'm begging you.
Sit in your seats.

I'm not gonna tell you again. Buckle up.

I mean it, so help me...

Oh, shoot. Crap!

I was playing with it first!

License and registration, please.

- Ma'am, you know why I pulled you over?
- I have a theory.

The kids should be sitting
wearing seat belts.

I yelled at them. They never listen.
It's very frustrating.

You have to find a way to control them.
After all, that's your job.

Though he'd ben
a policeman for six years,

Officer Hayes had never found himself
in a truly dangerous situation.

Then again, he had never before told
a woman how to raise her children.

- Are you saying I'm a bad mother?
- Get back in your car, please.

I have no help. My husband's
always away on business.

I'm gonna have to ask you
to step back now.

My babysitter joined
the witness relocation program.

- I haven't slept through the night...
- Ma'am. six years. And for you
to stand there and judge me...


OK. I'm not gonna give you a ticket. I'm
just gonna let you off with a warning.

I accept your apology.

- Aggh!
- He's kicking me again!

Buckle up.

- Mrs. Solis.
- Hello, Jonathan.

Well, this is my room.
Sorry about the mess.

Oh, uh, don't worry about it.

You just missed my mom. On Friday,
she coaches my sister's soccer team.

Yes, I heard that.

John, we need to talk about
what happened the other day.

Mr. Solis isn't catching on, is he?

No, no, he doesn't have a clue,
God love him.

It's just I was thinking
that when you come over to garden,

you might actually have to garden.

Great, you're breaking up with me.
In my own bedroom.

No, no. I'm not dumping you.

Lately, you've been
the only thing keeping me going.

But we can't do it
at my house anymore.

Oh, so then, where do you want to do it?

Well, what time does your mom
get back from soccer practise?

- Mrs. Solis!
- Hurry. We don't have much time.

And so there's just the four of us.

My older son, Andrew, is 16,
Danielle is 15 and...

I don't need to see pictures.
Bree, you've spent most of the hour

engaging in small talk.

- Oh, have I?
- Yes.

Rex has been very vocal
about his issues.

Don't you want to discuss
your feelings about your marriage?

Um, Doc...

Bree doesn't like
to talk about her feelings.

To be honest, it's hard to know
if she has any.

Does she feel anger, rage, ecstasy?
Who knows?

She's always pleasant, and I can't
tell you how annoying that is.

Whatever she feels,
it's so far below the surface...


- Bree?
- What? I'm sorry.

Would you like to respond
to what Rex just said?

- Oh, um...
- Is there some truth there?

Do you use housework as a way
to disengage emotionally?

Of course not!

This is great.
I got tons of homework tonight.

- It's easy to concentrate after sex.
- I'm glad I could help.

Education's very important.

Oh, I got something for you.

I was gonna give it to you next time I
mowed your lawn, but since you're here.

- Oh, it's a rose.
- It's not just any rose.

Look at all the petals.
There's no flaws.

- It's perfect.
- Oh, John.

Just like you.

The truth hit her like a thunderbolt.

I spent days looking for
just the right one. I finally found it.

For John, this was no longer
a meaningless little affair.

Gabrielle could now clearly se
he was falling in love with her.

It's just beautiful.

I... I got to go.


Hey, you. What are we having?

I talked to Julie
and she suggested rib-eye steaks.

- She said that's your favorite.
- I love my steak.

Hi, Mike.



I'm sorry about your house.
How are you?

All right, I guess.
Oh, is somebody having a party?

No, Susan's just throwing me
a traditional welcome dinner.

Only I'm cooking.
And having it at my house.

Traditional? Hm! I didn't get one.

Oh, it's a new tradition.

It won't be anything fancy.
Just a little home cooking.

Mm. That sounds so good.

Susan suddenly had an awful feling
in the pit of her stomach.

I've been having
nothing but fast food lately.

As if she was watching
an accident in slow motion.

She knew it would happen,
but was powerless to stop it.

Would you like
to join us for dinner?

Oh, that's so sweet. No, I don't want
to intrude. Three's a crowd.

No, it's not like that.
I mean, Susan's bringing Julie.

It's not like that.
The more the merrier.

- Well, this'll be fun.
- All right. Tomorrow night.

- We'll eat at six.
- Great.

- Oh, and Susan...
- Yeah?

This'll make up for the dinner
that you never threw me.



Should I have told her we were having
steak. She's not a vegetarian?

Oh, no, no.

No, Edie's definitely a carnivore.

- Here's, um...
- Ooh.

Here's what I pulled for Edie.

Most of the clothes aren't that stylish.

Don't worry. Edie's a beggar now,
which means she can't be a chooser.

Of course, we don't have to
add salt to the wound.

Listen, I was just
getting dinner ready...

Say no more.
I'll get out of your hair.

No, no.

Was that you I saw getting
pulled over by a policeman?

Yeah, the boys were acting up in the
car, I couldn't get them to sit down.

- Young boys can be so willful.
- I try everything.

I scream. I threaten.
I reason. I beg. Nothing works.

I don't know if they're too young
to understand

or they're just getting some
perverse joy out of testing me.

My mother had the worst time
with me in the car.

So one time, she stopped and left me
on the side of the road and drove off.

- You're kidding?
- She came back immediately.

But I never misbehaved in the car again.
You should try that.

Mrs. Huber, I could never leave my kids
by the side of the road.

When it comes to discipline,
you must be creative.

My mother knew that. Smart lady.

Of course, she's in a home now.
And her mind has just turned to mush.

Like I said, I should go back
and get dinner ready.

Oh, right, well... goodbye.


Susan, have you been able to find
old clothes for Edie?

She has nothing to wear.

I thought that was the look
she was going for.

Oh, Susan, Edie may be trash,
but she's still a human being.

Zach, is your dad home?
I need to talk to him.

Hey, Paul, I hope I'm not interrupting.

Actually, I was getting ready
to go somewhere.

I just wanted to come by and say hello.
See how you guys are doing.

We're trying to move on.
It's been pretty tough.

I can only imagine.
Not knowing why Mary Alice...

- Why what?
- Why she did it.

- Oh. Here, let me help you.
- I've got it. I've got it.

- I'm sorry if I upset you.
- Can I be frank?

- Of course.
- I don't care what her reasons were.

Maybe she was depressed, maybe
she was bored. It doesn't matter.

She abandoned her husband
and her son and I'll never forgive her.

As I watched Susan,
I couldn't help feling sorry for her.

She wanted so much to know why I did it.

Why I killed myself.

It's not enough to want the truth.

You must know where to look for it.

And the truth is elusive
because it knows where to hide.

Hello, Julie, I talked to your mom
about donating some clothes for Edie.

She's at Mrs. Van De Kamp's, but I'll
see if she left some stuff upstairs.

Oh, Julie, I was just admiring
your new measuring cup.

- Yeah, we've lost ours.
- Really?

- So I couldn't find the clothes. Sorry.
- That's OK.

- If you want me to keep looking.
- No. You've done more than enough.


Bree. Rex just called. He won't
be able to meet you here today.

Apparently, there was
an emergency at the hospital.

Oh, well, I wish he'd called me.

He suggested perhaps you'd like
to meet with me by yourself.

You've been very quiet
in our joint sessions.


Oh, oh, oh, no, thank you.
I have some things I need to do today.

- Are you sure?
- Uh, yeah, I'm sure.


Dr. Goldfine,
there is something you can do for me.

- What's that?
- Take off your coat.

So you're taking Julie
on your dinner date with Mike?

Well, if Edie's gonna be there,
I'll need emotional support.

I can't believe she wormed her way in.
How did you let her?

I don't know. I was gonna take her out,
but it happened so fast.

You need to get there early,

spend time with Mike
before the barracuda gets there.

That's a good idea.
Edie will get there at 5.45,

which means her breasts will arrive
at 5.30, so I should shoot for five.

I'm just gonna take these upstairs.

I'm gonna keep
my one little bag and go home.

That is a beautiful rose.
Where did you get it?

Oh, John gave it to me.

John... your gardener,
he gave you a rose?

Yes... I'm having some
new bushes planted outside

and he gave me that as a color palette.

- Oh.
- Yeah.


Sure is beautiful, isn't it?

Yes, it is.

I'm sure Freud
would not approve of this.

Who cares? I took Psychology.
We learned all about Freud.

- A miserable human being.
- What makes you say that?

Think about it.

He grew up in the late 1800s.
There were no appliances back then.

His mother had to do everything by hand.

Just backbreaking work
from sun up to sundown.

Not to mention the countless other
sacrifices she had to make

to take care of her family,
and what does he do?

He becomes famous peddling a theory
that the problems of most adults

can be traced back to something awful
their mother has done.

She must've felt so betrayed.

He saw how hard she worked.
He saw what she did for him.

Did he even ever think to say thank you?

I doubt it.

There you go.

Just so you know, many of Freud's
theories have been discredited.


Boys, I am not gonna
tell you again. Sit.

I mean it. I am serious.

You guys are gonna be in so much trouble
if you don't sit back in those seats.

For the first time,

Lynette could se this was not
the innocent play of children.

She was being challenged.

So she decided
it was time to get creative.

Out! Can't behave,
you heard me, you cannot ride.

You, out, move it.

Where is she going?

OK. Mommy's a genius.

Five, six, all right.

Uh, Mommy'll be right back.

Boys? Boys?


Porter! Preston! Parker!

Come on, now, 'cause Mommy
doesn't think it's funny.

Oh! Excuse me.

I'm looking for my boys. Three boys
with red hair. Have you seen them?

Yeah. I also saw you
drive away and leave 'em.

I was just trying to scare them.
Did you see where they went?

Yeah, they're in my kitchen.

Listen, it seems to me that you have
some anger management issues.

I have four kids under six.

I absolutely
have anger management issues.

I think you need to talk to somebody
because abandoning your children...

I didn't abandon them. I came back.

I'm just saying it's not normal.

My kids aren't normal
and now I don't have time for this so...

Boys, get out here.

I don't think they should
go anywhere until you calm down.

- Get in the car.
- She's got cookies.

- Bring 'em, we're leaving.
- Stay put.

- I don't think so. Oh!
- Listen, lady...

- Leave my mommy alone.
- Let go of me.

- What's the matter with you?
- Son of bi... Ah!

- Run, boys, run!
- Come on!

- Oh, crap.
- Get back here.

Boys, you're gonna need
to put on your...

Get back
or I'm gonna call Social Services.

Oh, my God! Carlos, what have you done?

I saw it when I drove by the dealership.
I thought you'd look beautiful in this.


It cost me an arm and a leg. It's got
GPS navigation, 200 watt stereo...

It is beautiful.

So did I take your breath away?


Is it the best gift you've ever gotten?

Gabrielle could se
what this gesture had cost Carlos,

so she responded
the only way she knew how.

She had a feling the truth would've
ben lost on her husband anyway.

After all, it's the rare man
who understands the value

of a single perfect rose.

- Susan.
- I hope you don't mind.

I came by early to help you set up.

- Oh, um...
- Hey, Susan.

Don't worry,
we have everything under control.


Bongo! I don't know why he barks at you.

I wouldn't take it personally.
Dogs are very sensitive.

What's up, Bongo? You never know
what freaks them out, huh?

In the distance,
Susan thought she heard a bell ring.

Is it a strange noise?
What is it? A weird smell?

Round one...

...had started.

All I'm saying is

this whole it takes two to mess up
a marriage theory is bull.

- Our problems are because of her.
- That is not true, Rex.

What have I been doing for
the past 20 years that's been so awful?

You're not saying anything
because I've been a great husband.

- And it kills you to admit that.
- Rex, I'm curious.

Do you ever acknowledge
the benefits of living with Bree?

- Huh?
- By your own admission,

your home's always clean,
your clothes always pressed,

sounds like a wonderful cook,

despite her flaws, do you ever
remember to say thank you?

- Thank you?
- Yes.

- Hm!
- Bongo! Get down! Down!

- Go away.
- Down. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

So who's the guy that lives across
from Mrs. Huber again?

That's Mr. Mullen. If he invites you in,
you have to meet all of his pets.

- That's OK. I love animals.
- He's a taxidermist.

Oh, OK, thanks for the warning.

Isn't Mr. Mullen's brother
your divorce attorney?

Uh, yes, yes, he was.

Can I say something?

In my heart, I still believe that you
and Karl are gonna get back together.

- Really?
- Oh, yeah.

I've never seen two people more in love.

She's never gonna find that kind of
chemistry with another man. Never.

It was everything Susan could do
to kep a smile on her face.

Round two was underway,
and she was already taking a beating.

- You know, Mrs. Britt...
- What Edie hadn't counted on...

- I always liked...
...Susan had someone in her corner.

Mr. Rothwell, your fourth husband.

He was my second husband.
I've only been married twice.

You weren't married to the tattooed guy
they took away in handcuffs?

No, Julie, she wasn't married to Javier.

That was just one
of her special friends.

I think we should change the subject.

Unless you want to
keep talking about it.

- Bongo, get down.
- Wait.

- Let me show you something.
- He loves that gravy.

Come. While you were in there
tossing a salad, I taught him something.

Up. Oh...

Susan was furious with Edie

for using a dog
to ingratiate herself with its owner.

She was also furious with Mike for not
seing through this blatant maneuver.

- So...
- But mostly...

...I'm gonna get the desserts.

...she was furious with herself
for not having thought of it first.

I can barely get him to sit.

Best dog ever. Yes, you are.

- I've never seen him walk on two legs.
- He knows who to come to.

- Here's your dessert.
- Thank you. Mike, this looks yummy.


Oh, look at that. Looks like Bongo's
finally warming up to Susan.

Ooh, we just got off on the wrong foot.
We're best buddies now.

Oh, what a good boy!

- Bongo, are you OK?
- What's wrong with him?

I don't know.
I've never heard him make that sound.

- You OK, fella?
- Mom?

You all right?

You OK?

The vet's number's on the fridge.
Tell him I'll be right there.

Don't worry.
I'll get everything cleaned up.

Thanks, Edie.

Is there anything I can do?


- Hey.
- Hey.

How's Bongo?

I'm waiting to see
if they'll have to operate.

Oh, God!

Uh... I... I...

I stopped and I got this for...

I am just so sorry for this.

I'm sorry I snapped at you. I just...

- Oh, no, it's OK.
- Good news.

- We won't have to do surgery.
- Oh, that's great.

We've given him something
to help pass the earring.

- When he does, should we retrieve it?
- I'm gonna say no.

OK. You should be able
to take him home in about an hour.

Wow. You must be so relieved.

I'm sorry, I was just really worried.

It was your dog. I get it.

Actually, he was my wife's dog,

one of the last thing's she said to me
in the hospital before she died

was to be sure I looked after him
and I promised her I would.

And just like that,

Susan could suddenly
se something she'd never sen before.

He, uh, meant so much to her.

Mike Delfino was still in love
with his late wife.

And if something had happened,
I would've felt like I'd failed her.

I know that sounds stupid, but...

And she knew right then,

neither she nor Edie would be laying
claim to his heart any time soon.

No, it doesn't. Not at all.

So she decided, for now, she could
settle forjust being his friend.

This is for you.

Well, for Bongo. You give it to him.

Yes, as I look back
at the world I left behind,

it's all so clear to me.

The beauty that waits to be unveiled.

The mysteries that long to be uncovered.

But people so rarely
stop to take a look.

They just kep moving.

It's a shame, really.

There's so much to se.