Desperate Housewives (2004–2012): Season 1, Episode 19 - Live Alone and Like It - full transcript

Lynette learns that no good deed goes unpunished when she befriends Mrs. McClusky; Susan's mother decides to try to jump-start her and her daughter's love lives; Bree forces Andrew to talk ...

Previously, on Desperate Housewives...

- Grandma's here.
- In life...

- A post-nuptial agreement.
- I'm not signing this.

- Sign it.
- Stop. You're hurting me.

Mrs Solis. What are you doing? can't change what's been done...

People leave trails.
One of those will lead to Deidre.

I'm not taking my money to the grave.
I'm gonna use it to save your ass.

...or who people really are.

Andrew just told me
he thinks he might be gay.

Every morning,
as she went to take out her trash,

Lynette Scavo would indulge
in a little daydream,

the details of which
were always the same.

One day, her nasty neighbour
Karen McCluskey

would keel over and die.

And her home would be bought
by a lovely Swedish family

with two adorable twin daughters.

The families would form
an everlasting friendship,

culminating in their daughters
marrying her sons

at an elaborate wedding

the Scavos wouldn't have to pay for.

Yes, Lynette enjoyed
her little daydream.

But Mrs McCluskey
always had a way

of pulling her back to reality.

Why are you
stealing my garbage cans?

Garbage pick-up was two days ago,
they've been here ever since.

- I assumed you didn't want them.
- That's very cute.

That's great. Here, give 'em here.

Bad enough that awful colour
you painted the house.

We shouldn't have to stare
at your cans for days.

Good neighbour etiquette?

How about you hire a gardener to take
care of that jungle you call a lawn?

I am on a fixed income.

Perhaps you should consider
somewhere less expensive.

- Like a nursing home.
- Go to hell.

Run by Germans.

And, you know...

Mrs McCluskey.

Mrs McCluskey, are you all right?

I'll get the door.

Mrs McCluskey.

For a brief moment,

Lynette was presented with
an interesting choice of options.

And though she knew
she'd hate herself in the morning,

Lynette chose to do the right thing.

Lynette, where are they taking me?

You're going to the hospital,
you're gonna be fine.

I don't wanna go alone. Come with me.

These are trained technicians
and I've got a roast in the freezer.

Please. I'm scared.

Yeah, I'll come with you.
OK, here I am.

Thank you.

If I die,
I don't want it to be with strangers.

- You're not going to die.
- How can you be so sure?

Of course, Lynette didn't respond.

How could she tell her neighbour
that some dreams

are just too beautiful to come true?

Life is a journey.

One that is much better travelled
with a companion by our side.

But sometimes,
we lose our companions along the way.

And then the journey
becomes unbearable.


I didn't know you were a religious man.
What's with the rosary?

They found Deidre.


Her body had been stuffed
inside a toy chest.

Can you believe that?

A kid's toy chest.

She'd been dismembered.

My God.

Cops ID'd her from her dental records.

She's been dead 15 years.

All that time I was looking for her.

She was already gone.

I'm so sorry.

I have to bury my baby.

I came out here to figure out
what kind of tombstone to get her.

You shouldn't be doing this now.

Let's get you home.

- There's a cop I want you to talk to.
- A cop?

His name is Sullivan.

I paid him to take the heat off you
for your neighbour's murder.

He'll get you the file
on Deidre's case.

Apparently they have some leads.

I don't know.
I think we may be making a huge mistake.

We made our decision,
let's stick to it.

Let's say we leave him here
three more weeks.

What's the worst that could happen?

Our son just told us
that he might be gay.

There are 200 other boys in this camp.

I could explain to you what might happen
if we left him here.

But I am a lady
and I don't use that kind of language.

I bet we're worrying over nothing.
This is probably just a phase.

We'll get him into Christian counselling
so it won't become a lifestyle.

Whatever's going on with him,
he's still our son and we love him.

Why would you say that to me?

It's obvious how freaked out you are
by the whole gay thing.

I'm freaked out but that doesn't change
how I feel about him.

I'm just saying, be cool.

- I can be just as cool as you can.
- All right.

It'll be nice to have you back.

Andrew, I would love you
even if you were a murderer.

Mommy, the line's not moving.

For Pete's sake.


Mom. The kids are waiting.

Honey, Hector here
teaches salsa at the community centre.

- I give private lessons too.
- I bet you do.

Mom, would you please not flirt
with the ice cream man?

Why not?

Do you need a reason beyond the fact
that he's the ice cream man?

It's called moving on with your life.

You broke up with Morty two weeks ago.

At least pretend
to mourn the relationship.

You are such a stick-in-the-mud.

We should be out there having fun.

I know what we can do tonight.

We can go to some hip club
and get some hot guys.

- Mom.
- It'll be great.

I'll say I'm 42 and you can be 28.


You can pull it off!

Mrs McCluskey,
you're back from hospital already?

Turns out I OD'd
on my arthritis medication.

One pill, I can open a jar. Four pills,
I'm face down, crawling for my life.

You'll find out about that soon enough.

Well, I'm glad to hear
you're all right.

Here, my way of saying thank you for not
letting me die out there on the lawn.

- Mrs McCluskey, you don't...
- Keep that.

It's genuine Tiffany.
Been in my family for years.

I don't know what to say.
It's stunning, thank you.

- I'd invite you in...
- I wanna tell you what my doctor said.

Arthritis is the least of my problems.

I had this skin tag,
or what I thought was a skin tag,

but it might be more serious...

What do you think you're doing?

I can't sleep in the den
any more. I need to sleep in a bed.

You might wanna try a motel,
cos you're not coming back in here.

How many times
have I got to say I'm sorry?

Obviously a few more.

I'm not proud of what I did.

I admit I was way out of line.

You want back in this bed?
You know what to do.

- I'm not tearing up the post-nup.
- Why not?

Because it's the one way I can ensure
you'll be here when I get out of jail.

Well, then, have fun at the motel.

Fine. Tomorrow I'm cancelling
your credit cards.


And I'm taking away your ATM as well.

What am I supposed to do for money?

Once you see how good you've got it,
you'll treat me with respect.

You want my respect?
Tear up the post-nup.

Give me my pillow.

One more thing.

If you ever hurt me again,
I will kill you.

If you ever leave me for another man,
I'll kill you.

Boy, with all this passion,
isn't it a shame we're not having sex?

I feel trapped.

- Want me to open a window?
- No, I'm talking about my life.

Are we done making out?

No, no, keep going.

So what's up?

I'm unhappy.
With Carlos and my marriage...

I feel like I don't have options,
it's driving me crazy.

Every time something went south
in my life, I had a plan B.

- Now, I feel like I have nothing.
- What about me?

- Can't I be your plan B?
- Damn it, John. What is our new rule?

Stop pretending
we have a future.

- Thank you.
- Can't you just walk out?

No. If I leave,
I'll be broke and that's awful.

If I stay, he's in control
and that's horrifying.

And he cut up all my credit cards,

which means I'm married to him
and unable to shop.

Which is probably
the worst of all possible worlds.

- I'm sorry.
- I'll figure something out.

I'm not much fun today.
I'm gonna go.


- What's this?
- You deserve nice things.

And if Mr Solis
won't provide them, I will.

- With your student credit card?
- I own my own business.

- You mow lawns.
- I make good money.

I've 20 houses and I'm this close
to getting the country club.

- I can't.
- Yes, you can.

I'll pay it off.

If you want. But you don't have to.

Mrs Solis. To take care of you,
it's my dream.

Well, far be it from me to stand
in the way of a young man's dream.

OK, Tom, I will swing by the
dry-cleaners' after I hit the market.

I don't know. Porter
has a dentist appointment at 4 pm,

so the car might have to wait
until tomorrow.

OK, yeah, I love you too.

- Bye-bye.
- Hi, there.

I brought you some avocados.
I've a tree but I hate 'em.

Your family seems like
the kind that would eat guacamole.

Mrs McCluskey, thank you.
That is very nice.

- So let's make up a batch.
- Now's not a good time.

I'm on my way out,
I have a ton of errands.

That's great, my car's on the fritz
and I could hitch a ride.

- I need to drop by the pharmacy.
- No, I can't.

I'm sorry, but I have
a lot of things to do.

You could take me later or tomorrow.

Mrs McCluskey,
I'm not gonna have any time tomorrow.

Interesting you can't
spend two minutes with me

but you have no trouble
taking my Tiffany lamp.

For God's sakes!

Here. You should take this back.

I don't have a place for it.

That was my thank you
for saving my life.

I know, and it was
a beautiful gesture, really.

- But I just...
- Save it, Lynette.

I get the picture.

- God.
- Susie, this is Tim.

Sorry if we startled you.

That's OK.

I just didn't expect to see anybody up
at a quarter to one.

you should have come out tonight.

I met Tim here at the Islands bar

and he introduced me
to this crazy drink.

The Dirty Volcano.

Then we danced.

He dipped me.

Sophie's very limber.

Mom, could I just talk to you
in the family room for a minute?

- Sure.
- Susan is your daughter?

- Yup.
- No, she can't be.

- Yes.
- No.

OK, we get it.

She looks young.

That man has magic fingers.

What are you doing?
I have a daughter.

You can't bring men you meet in bars
here in the middle of the night.

We're just having a few laughs.
What's the big deal?

You're trying to get over Morty
but this is not the way to do it.

Go out there and tell him to go home.

You know how blue I've been.
Why can't you be supportive?

- I've been plenty supportive.
- You haven't. You really haven't.

Tim is my guest
and he will go home when I say so.

If he's not gone in five minutes,

I'm gonna go out there
and tell him how old you really are.

Tim, it's time for me
to go sleepy-bye.



You must be Sullivan.

The file on Noah's daughter.

Yeah, he said you had some leads.

Yeah, sure, we got some leads.

- Is there a problem?
- Gee, I don't know.

I'm handing a confidential police report
over to a killer and drug-dealer.

Why should that be a problem?


Is this what our justice
system has come to?

Guys like you walking the streets
without a care in the world?

- I did my time.
- Not enough, you piece of garbage.

I'm glad we had the chance to meet.

Because apparently I'm no longer
a murder suspect, thanks to you.

I don't want to seem ungrateful,

but just out of curiosity,

how much does it cost to buy off
a homicide detective these days?

Thanks again.

Hey, Delfino. One more thing.

Now this file was misplaced.


If even a whisper of this
gets traced back to me,

there will be one less
cop-killer on the street.

And for God's sakes,
don't get any blood on the file.

Ma'am, I'm sorry, but your credit card
has been declined.


No, that's impossible.
It's a new card.

I just went shopping with it.
Try it again.

Ma'am, I ran it three times
and then I called the bank.

May I try another card?

Of course you may.
Will you just give me a moment?

- Hello?
- It's me.

I tried to call.
You turned your cell off.

I'm in a lovely restaurant having
a lovely meal that I can't pay for.

- Did you order already?
- I ate already.

The credit card company
called my mom.

They said there was
unusual activity on my card.

- I bought shoes.
- I didn't know that.

My mom started asking
all these questions

so I blurted out it was stolen
and she cancelled it.

Why call your parents?
It's your account.

They co-sign for it.

- If you explain to the waiter...
- What?

My card was cancelled
by my lover's mommy?

What other options do you have?
Return the shoes and get the money back?

Return the shoes?

I can't talk to you
when you're being hysterical.

So, Ma'am, what would you like to do
about the bill?

Afternoon, I've got a package
for your neighbour, Karen McCluskey.

- Mind signing?
- Isn't she home?

No one answered.

All right.


Thank you.

So let me get this straight.

You play tennis, you know wine,

and you speak Mandarin.

Does every other man in the world
want you dead?

I'm not that impressive.

I pulled a grey hair
out of my chest this morning.

I don't know,
I'd watch your back.

You know, I've really enjoyed
talking to you.


Well, you've made my day.

I was thinking,
if you'd like to get together again...

Well, Sam, to tell you the truth,
I'm kind of in a relationship right now.

- I just wanted to be honest.
- That's perfectly OK, Tina.

By the way, this is on me.

- No, you shouldn't.
- Please.

It's my pleasure.

- This is gonna be a disaster.
- It'll be fine.

Andrew. Honey, hurry up,
dinner's ready.

It's like we're setting a trap for him.

It's for his own good. You'll see.

Smells good. What are we having?

I'm making home-made bratwurst
with sweet and sour cabbage.

It's a recipe I found
in an old German cookbook.

I'll get the door.
Honey, why don't you pour the wine?

- Isn't Danielle at Wendy's?
- I believe she is.

Well, then, why did Mom
set the table for four places?

I asked, who's coming for dinner?

Andrew, you remember
Reverend Sikes, don't you?

Come on.

Reverend, why don't you have a seat
and I will get some refreshments.

So, Andrew.
It's been a long time.

Yes, it has.

Would you like some water?
Flat or bubbly?

Bubbly, please.


Your mother tells me

you've started having
some sexual desires for other boys.

I don't suppose
I could get some of that?

No. I'm gonna need every drop.

And over the years, we've had so many
young people come to our ministry

hating themselves
for their unnatural desires.

In a few months, they've found
an inner peace and tranquillity

that is nothing short of miraculous.

All it takes is a little faith
and a desire to change.

I'm sorry, but I really don't want
to talk about my sex life.

Well, that's too bad,
this needs to be discussed.

Bree, please, let the boy speak.

Go on.

Well, I appreciate your offer to help,
I do. But I don't hate myself.

So, I'm good.

Son, I know what it's like to be
a teenager. It's a very confusing time.

I'm not confused.

I know exactly who I am.

Well, if you ever do want to talk,
my door is always open.

Reverend, I don't mean to criticise
but it sounds like you're giving up.

We can't force him
on a path of righteousness.

He himself has got to
want to make the journey.

What do we do? Just stand by
while he starts dating boys?

By the way, the correct word
is not "gay", it's "sodomy".

- We're in the middle of dinner.
- So?

Can you wait till dessert
to call our son a sodomite?

How you can be so casual
is beyond me.

I knew this dinner was a bad idea
the moment you suggested it.

- At least I'm trying to be proactive.
- Please, no need to get upset.

I'm upset because there's a problem
no one seems to notice but me.

As far as I'm concerned,
if Andrew is happy with who he is,

it is our job to support him.

- Your father is into S&M.
- Bree!

He makes me beat him
with a riding crop. I let him.

No wonder you're perverted.
Look who your parents are.

Excuse me.

What a fun night.

You know, we should probably
do this again sometime.


Hey, good news.

I know why you've been
so furious at me.

- I haven't been furious at you.
- Yes, you have. And I don't blame you.

Men have been coming onto me
left and right.

And I've been having so much fun
and just enjoying life.

And what do I do?
I throw it right in your face.

- I'd hate me too.
- Mom, I don't hate you.

Well, be that as it may,

from here on out,
I'm including you in all the fun.

- The fun.
- Your mother's come through.

What have you done?

You and I are going
on a double date tonight.

- What?
- Tim has a friend from the factory.

I thought the four of us could hang out,
have drinks, hors d'oeuvres...

- Forget it.
- Susie.

I'm sorry, I'm just not
in the mood to hang out these days.

Susie, sweetie, please.
I can't cancel now.

Of course you can. Just call them up
and tell them not to come over.

- Tim.
- Hi, Suz. This is my buddy, Lamont.

I brought peppermint schnapps.

I'm sure she's fine.

She never leaves her mail
sitting out there.

How many times
has she thrown ours away

because we didn't pick it up
the second it came?

That would be five.

I don't know,
I think something's happened to her.

OK, so go check on her.

But if I'm wrong, I'm sucked into a
two-hour conversation about bunions.

- Don't go check.
- Six months from now,

when they find her corpse
at the bottom of the stairs,

what do I tell the kids?
"I let Mrs McCluskey die."

Why would they care?

Like they'll miss the dry-cleaning
coupons she hands out on Halloween.

- Tom.
- Listen, honey, what can I say?

You're damned if you do
and damned if you don't.

I don't know. Good luck with that.

Honey, I'm hating you
a little bit right now.

Hi, honey. Look at my new shoes.

- Yeah.
- Aren't they gorgeous?

Honey, I'm trying to watch the game.


How'd you buy new shoes?

Talk later,
you're watching the game.

No, I wanna talk about it now.

- You have no money, what's the story?
- You've heard it before.

Girl meets boy, boy buys girl things,
girl leaves happy.

What did you do?

I forgot how generous men could be.

I also forgot I have options.
A whole bunch of 'em.

- What are you talking about?
- I don't need your credit cards.

I don't need your money.

But if our marriage is going to work,
I need your respect.

- I'm not ripping up the post-nup.
- Yes, you are.

Because if you don't, I'm gonna put on
my new shoes and walk out the door.

- Are you threatening me?
- No, I'm just pointing something out.

I'm a pretty girl.
And pretty girls are never Ionely.

Stop. I'm really ticklish.

So children's books, right?

That tickles.

I hope you know how lucky you are. Not
everyone gets to realise their bliss.

Yeah, it can be rewarding.

Why don't you join me?


I'm really ticklish.

- Come on.
- What's wrong?

For God's sakes, she's ticklish.
How many times do you have to be told?

This is so much fun.
Let's find another CD.

Mother, don't you think
it's getting a little late?

Come on.

You haven't even
finished your schnapps.

The perfect capper
to the perfect evening.

So, goodnight. It's been lovely.

Lamont, good luck
with all your inventions.

Well, it's only 11.30.

I wanna hit the clubs.

I know a great place
just off the interstate.

- Warm up the old war wagon.
- Mom, hold it.

You are not getting into the car alone
with those two. You barely know them.

I have great instincts about people,
you know that.

- You've been married four times.
- Yes, but twice to the same guy.

- Mother...
- Susie, please, you're embarrassing me.

- I'm embarrassing you?
- Yes. And I've had it.

All night, I've been trying
to get you to stop being so crabby.

And you refuse to let me help.

And your idea of helping
is letting Tim just grope you?

Hey, you shouldn't talk to your mother
like that, she's a fine lady.

- Tim, could you just stay out of it?
- Yeah, mind your own business.

- What's your problem, pal?
- You were feelin' up her mother.

It pissed me off, too.
C'mon, Susie, let's go back inside.

Let's go back inside? Lamont,
give it up. You're not getting any.

Why are you being this way?
I'm just trying to lighten things up.

Stop acting like
tonight was about helping me.

You wanted to go out and have fun
and Lamont there needed a date.

- That's not true.
- Yes, it is.

OK, fine. It's true.

I wanted to get out and have fun.
Why shouldn't I?

You know how depressed I've been
over my break-up with Morty.

Yeah, I do.

That's what makes me crazy,
the difference between us.

You can be heartbroken
and you can just move on.

And I am just broken.

- I know you're sad.
- No, Mom, I'm not sad.

And I'm not crabby.

I'm devastated. And you keep acting
like all I need is a couple of aspirin.

Morty was just one guy
in a series of guys for you.

And Mike, he was the one.

Why don't you get that?

It's Lynette.


Mrs McCluskey?

Mrs McCluskey, are you all right?

How did you get in here?

Mr Mullins had a spare.

- Why didn't you open the door?
- I was hoping you'd go away.

- Have you been taking your medication?
- I don't need to.

Sometimes the pain goes by itself.

Is that why you didn't open the door,
because of your hands?

Mrs McCluskey, do you have
anyone that could help you out?

A relative? A friend?

I'm fine.



Before you go...

Open these, would you,
and put out the pills?

- Yeah.
- Don't get your hands all over them.

God knows what your kids pick up.
Last thing I need's a case of pink eye.

You're a piece of work, you know that?

This is crazy,
why do they give you child-proof caps?

First thing tomorrow, I'll take you
to the pharmacy and get new bottles.

Don't do me any favours.
You don't even like me.

I don't want you to feel obligated.

Let me tell you something.
Half of life is obligations.

You don't wanna go to your husband's
company party but you do.

You don't wanna sell candy so your kid's
band can buy piccolos, but you do.

You attend your third cousin's wedding,
pick up the dry-cleaning.

That's life, it's obligations.

And you are now my obligation.

So tomorrow morning,
we go to the pharmacy.

Gee, I'm touched
by your outpouring of compassion.

We don't have to be friends.

But we're two human beings,
living on the same piece of earth.

We can at least try and
help each other out once in a while.

And you know what?

I am going to take this.


- I'll see you tomorrow morning.
- Pick me up at nine.

And don't be late.

Andrew, come here,
I want you to see this.

What are you looking at?

I'm looking at your baby pictures.

Look at that one.

- How old was I there?
- Just four weeks old.

I never told you this, but when
I gave birth to you there were...


The umbilical cord wrapped around
your neck and you stopped breathing.

The room got very quiet.

And I knew you were in trouble.

So I turned to the doctor
and I very calmly said

that he was not to worry about me,
that his job was to save your life.

When I say I would die for you,
that's not an expression.

I mean it.

Yeah, well,
I'm gonna go eat my sandwich.

Andrew, please,
just go and talk to Reverend Sikes.

- For God's sakes.
- He can counsel you.

- It can help.
- Mom, I don't need any help.

All right? I'm fine.
Why do you keep going on about this?

Because if you don't change who you are
then you won't go to heaven.

You don't think I'll go to heaven?

No, I don't.

And I need you there.
I would be so Ionely without you.

Well, I guess I'd better
go talk to Reverend Sikes.


Thank you so much. You don't know
how much that means to me.

My gosh.

Are you OK?

Yeah, I just fell down
the stairs. I'm fine.

- What's up?
- Susan still loves you.

Wow, OK.

This is not a good time
for this conversation.

She just misses you so much.

I just found out that
someone I was very close to is dead.

I've got to figure out what to do,

so I just don't have time
to think about Susan right now.

She's just very, very unhappy
and if you could just...

I really don't.

I'm sorry.

I swear before Almighty God I won't
reveal a word that's said here today.

Now, what's on your mind?

Well, here's the thing.
I lied to my parents.

- I'm not gay.
- You're not.

Not really.

All I know is, I wanted
to get the hell out of that camp.

So, I lied to my parents.

I told them I was really worried that
I was having feelings for other guys.

They did exactly
what I wanted them to.

- They're such tools.
- I'm sorry, just so I'm clear.

Are you a heterosexual or aren't you?

Look, I love vanilla ice cream, OK?

But, every now and then, I'm probably
gonna be in the mood for chocolate.

You know what I'm saying?

I do. But God would prefer
you stick to the vanilla.

I don't believe in God.

- You don't?
- No.


Your mother's gonna be devastated.

She's been praying so hard
for you to change.

Well, that's the good news.

I am gonna change. Big time.

I'm not sure I follow.

You know what my mom
said to me last night?

She said she doesn't think
I'm going to heaven.

Can you believe that?

I'm sure she didn't mean
to hurt your feelings.

But the only way you can know paradise
is by repenting your sins.

When she said that to me,

it suddenly hit me
how I was gonna get back at her.

From now on,
I'm going to be so good.

I'm gonna eat my vegetables,
I'm gonna get good grades,

say "Yes, ma'am"
and "No, ma'am."

I'm gonna make her believe
that God has delivered her...

...this little miracle.

Until one day,
when she least expects it...

...I'm gonna do something so awful,
it is going to rock her world.

I mean, it is really
going to destroy her.

And when that day comes,

trust me,

I'll know paradise.

Yes, life is a journey,

one that is much better travelled
with a companion by our side.

Of course, that companion
can be just about anyone.

Mrs McCluskey.

We're gonna be late for the doctor.

A neighbour
on the other side of the street...

I'm coming, Jeez! Hold your water.

There you go. No more post-nup.

...or the man
on the other side of the bed.

The companion can be
a mother with good intentions...

- Thank you for a wonderful service.
- Thank you so much, Bree.

...or a child who's up to no good.

Very inspirational.

Still, despite our best intentions,

some of us will lose
our companions along the way.

And then the journey
becomes unbearable.

You see, human beings
are designed for many things.

But loneliness isn't one of them.