Desperate Housewives (2004–2012): Season 1, Episode 11 - Move On - full transcript

Previously on Desperate Housewives...

I am just trying to move on
with my life.

Are you having an affair
with my husband?

Suspicion ended in tragedy.

I'm here to see Rex Van De Kamp.
He had a heart attack.

- Trust...
- It kills me to put you through this.

...was put on trial.

Bring me the passport
and Mr Solis can visit his mother.

- An ex-husband...
- You walked out on your family.

...was replaced.

She is out there
throwing herself at Mike Delfino.



And everyone...

Your own personal nanny? Smell you.

...was getting in over their heads.

Edie Britt could never understand
why she didn't have any female friends.

Of course, she always tried
to tell people she didn't need any.

But the truth was it bothered Edie that
other women didn't seem to like her.

Even after moving to Wisteria Lane...

There are breakables in there.

...Edie couldn't understand why
her neighbours kept their distance.

And then she met Martha Huber.

Hola!

Within five minutes Mrs Huber managed
to disparage what Edie was wearing.

No.

In fact, whenever they got together,
Mrs Huber insulted her.



She made fun of everything
from Edie's make-up...

...to her taste in men.

Yes, Martha Huber could be cruel,
offensive and downright mean.

But Edie didn't care,
because she was the first real friend

Edie Britt had ever had.

But now Martha Huber was missing.
She had vanished without a trace.

And Edie was not embarrassed
to admit she needed her back.

- Edie?
- Yes.

I'm Felicia Tillman.

- Martha's sister.
- Really?

- What's wrong?
- Nothing's wrong.

It's just Martha always said
how alike you two were.

I don't see the family resemblance.

It's there. It just takes a while
to become apparent.

- Do you have the key to her house?
- I do.

After the police kicked the door in,
they put on this temporary lock.

Oh, and the neighbours
are coming over at noon.

We're going to organise
and hand out flyers.

- The key?
- Right.

I can only imagine
how worried you must be.

I'm not worried, Edie. Martha and I
have a very intense bond.

We were connected at a primal level.

A few days ago
I felt this sensation in my soul.

It dawned on me that something
had happened to my sister.

Then when she didn't arrive
at my home as scheduled,

well, that's when I knew
she was dead.

Honey, no.
You mustn't think like that.

- Martha's only missing.
- No, Edie. She's dead.

But she's my sister and I'm going to
find out exactly what happened to her.

Look, Felicia, it's natural to
freak out when a loved one's missing.

Loved one?

Edie, let me be clear about this.

I hated Martha.
She was a wretched pig of a woman.

The day she died,
this world became a better place.

It was in that moment that Edie
finally saw the family resemblance.

Mrs Huber was missing.

The words echoed down Wisteria Lane

until every last resident
was aware of her disappearance.

By noon, dozens of neighbours
had gathered.

Some came to volunteer.
Some came in sympathy.

And some came to learn
exactly what the police knew...

and what they didn't.

I'll need you to pass out flyers.
Put 'em in the mall, the park.

Anywhere Mrs Huber
might have been seen.

We need to jump on this.
Time is of the essence.

Edie, would you like to say something?

On behalf of Martha
and her sister, Felicia...

I'd like to thank you all
for coming here today.

You know, my last conversation
with Martha was one of anger,

and I'll never forgive myself
for the things that I said.

I lay awake at night
thinking about it.

I don't know how, but Edie managed
to make this all about her.

- She's a talented girl, Edie.
- Has anybody talked to Bree?

- How's Rex?
- She's bringing him home today.

I don't know how he had a heart attack.
He was so young.

- How creepy is Mrs Huber's sister?
- I know.

She was talking about Mrs Huber
like she was already dead.

- You don't think she's?
- No, I'm sure she's fine.

Mrs Huber's like a roach.

Everyone on Wisteria Lane is praying
for your sister's safe return.

I seriously doubt that.

You're not taking care of him?

Dad's gotta have a place to recuperate.

He can go to a motel.
He's not allowed back in my house.

You two were getting along.
What happened?

That's between your father and me.

You're selfish. I am so looking forward
to putting you in a nursing home.

I'm sorry to disappoint you, but I plan
to have an embolism and to die young.

- You might not be so lucky.
- Andrew...

Know how long I can hold a grudge?
Abandon my father and you'll be sorry.

You wouldn't say that
if you knew what...

Knew what? Come on, tell me.

I'd love to know what my father did
that was so awful.

Fine. I will see him through this,
but after that,

your father can rot in hell
for all I care.

We're not like other families, are we?

No, we're not.

It's not my fault
that your bank accounts are frozen.

I'm not saying it's your fault.
Just fix it.

The folks at the Justice Department
aren't very sympathetic.

I'm running out of money.
I'm gonna be screwed.

Why don't you hock some jewellery?

There's a lot of stuff
you never wear and most of it's ugly.

Don't you have a toilet to scrub?

God, I'm just so angry with Carlos.

What was he thinking,
exporting goods made from slave labour?

Why couldn't he have embezzled?

They want to make sure
he doesn't skip the country.

If he's released on bail, I can argue
that he needs money to live on,

and they'll unfreeze
one of the smaller accounts.

They won't release him
without the passport.

Exactly. You haven't
found that yet, have you?

Gabrielle wanted
her old lifestyle back, no question.

But she wanted Carlos to suffer
for his betrayal even more.

I'm still searching.

You might wanna think
about looking for a job.

- I had a good time.
- I bet you did.

Gotcha!

- Hey. Is this a bad time?
- For you? Of course it is.

Cute. Tax stuff.
I need your signature.

- We've been divorced over a year.
- 2003.

Well, please, just come on in.

Mike, I don't think you've officially
met my ex, Karl Mayer.

- Hey. Mike Delfino.
- Right. The plumber.

I don't have the right washer,

so I'm just gonna go on across
the street and get it.

- So he seems OK.
- Yeah, he is.

So, what do you want me to sign?
I see.

By the way, Julie told me
about her birthday plans.

We're going to a restaurant downtown.
A guy who plays piano and open mic.

Julie got a bunch
of her girlfriends together.

- Julie loves to sing. It sounds nice.
- Here you go.

- All righty.
- Give my best to Brandi.

Actually, we're not together any more.

You're not? What happened?

I caught her in bed
with another guy.

Go ahead. Do your happy dance.

No, no, really. I'm sorry
that you had to go through that. I am.

It's just really hard for me right now.

Thanks.

Try ripping up old photos. It helps.

Well, have fun this weekend.
Let me know how the party goes.

Karl, do you want to join us?

Susan...

You're the best.

Well... yeah. I'm the best, aren't I?

Are we gonna buy a water heater?
We could go to the mall tomorrow.

- Can we talk about this tomorrow?
- I'm just trying to plan my day.

Please, honey. I'm so tired.

OK.

Hon, did you set up
the coffee maker?

Oh, no. I'll do it in the morning.
I promise I'll get up early and do it.

Tom.

Tom?

Come on.

- Thanks.
- Yeah.

Claire?!

I'm... Wow, I'm sorry.
I didn't know you were up.

Yeah, I thought you were sleeping.
I was just going upstairs.

- Do you want me to make the coffee?
- Yeah. Yeah, that'd be great.

I'm just going to, you know,
go back up to my room.

- OK.
- All right.

- Night.
- Good night.

If we go to the mall,
we can go to the shoe store.

You said you wanted new running shoes.

What?

The next morning, while the search
for Martha Huber continued,

Lynette discovered
a little family secret,

one she wasn't even looking for.

- Good morning.
- Morning.

- Want some coffee?
- Yeah, thanks.

I didn't want to come down
till Tom left for work.

- I'm still a little embarrassed.
- About what?

He didn't tell you?

Well, actually it's kinda funny.

I was doing some laundry,
and I noticed the robe I was wearing

had some baby food on it,
so I threw it in,

figuring I could dash upstairs
while everyone was asleep,

and then I ran into Tom...
while I was totally naked.

And so, Claire,
when did this... incident occur?

I don't know. It was pretty late.

I think he might have come down
to make coffee or something.

You don't say.

Wow. Wow.

This is certainly impressive. I can
definitely get you work as a model.

You realise it's different from
the work you did in New York and Milan?

Of course. I made $10,000 a day.
I don't expect to make that here.

- That's good, because you won't.
- Yeah. So, what have you got?

Well, there is something.

They need a model to demonstrate
the new Buick LaCrosse

at the Fairview Mall.

It's just you and the car
on a revolving platform.

300 bucks for the day.

- What else do you have?
- Sure.

Can you swing a sword?

Sci-fi convention needs someone
to dress up as a warrior princess.

A warrior princess?

Mr Gibb, I am a professional model.

Look at this bone structure.
This face is a cash cow.

And if you don't have the vision,
then maybe I'm at the wrong agency.

Look, honey, I'm the only modelling
agent in a hundred-mile radius.

I book women for boat shows
and garden-tool expos.

If you don't like it,
move back to the city.

This Buick thing,
does it include lunch?

Just so you know, I really am grateful
for everything you're doing for me.

I don't need your gratitude.

You're here because your children
are master extortionists.

- You didn't tell 'em about...
- Your adultery?

No, I decided to keep
that little gem all to myself.

I know this is a real imposition...

It is. The doctor said
you could be here for weeks.

Would it make you feel any better
if I told you I'm sorry for what I did?

Yes, it would...
if I still felt anything for you.

But as it stands,
the place you occupied in my heart

is very much empty now.

You must still feel something for me.

- And why do you think that?
- Come on, Bree. Look at this.

The good china, freshly pressed
napkins, flowers from the garden.

This tray was prepared
with loving care.

Do me a favour, Rex.

Please don't mistake my anal
retentiveness for actual affection.

Hold on a sec.

OK. Now I'm good.

- What?
- You're just... God, I love you.

Well... that's great.

Wait, look. That just kinda popped out.

No, no, it's fine.
It just kinda caught me off guard.

- I mean, I wanna say it back...
- Yeah, but you're not ready. It's OK.

- You're not mad, are you?
- No. God.

We haven't been dating that long
and you've got other issues. I get it.

What kind of issues
do you think I have?

I retract my earlier statement.
I no longer love you.

- I just think of you as a good buddy.
- No.

You obviously think you have
some insight into my soul,

so go ahead, dazzle me.

- Your divorce left you vulnerable.
- Big insight. The postman knows that.

And there's a chance
you still have feelings for your ex.

What?

I loathe Karl. And the postman
will back me up on that, too.

I'm sure part of you does hate him,

but maybe part of you's
still hung up on him.

Where are you getting this?

He broke up with the woman
he left you for

and the first thing you did was
hugged him and invited him to a party.

OK. The analysis part
of this evening is now over.

- Hey... you asked.
- Well, you know what?

You're gonna come to Julie's party
and see Karl and I together,

and you're gonna understand
that I have no feelings for him.

- I have tickets to a basketball game.
- You're coming to the party.

This is what I get
for saying "I love you".

- What?
- Nothing.

- Thanks.
- Hello, George.

Mrs Van De Kamp.
You're looking lovely.

- You always say the nicest things.
- Well, it's true.

Listen, I have a prescription here
for Rex. He had a heart attack.

- I had no idea. Is he OK?
- Yes, he'll live.

But the doctor says he's at risk
for something called pericarditis.

It's an inflammation of the membrane
that surrounds the heart.

- He'll need constant care.
- So I hear.

As the words "constant care"
echoed in her head,

Bree caught a sickening glimpse
into her future...

OK, here we go.

...which prompted her to seek
an old-fashioned remedy.

George, would you
go out to dinner with me?

- You mean, like a date?
- Yes. I think it would be fun.

What about your husband?

Oh, him.

Well, we're... separated.

In spite of Mrs Huber's disappearance,

life on Wisteria Lane
started to return to normal,

until an intriguing discovery was made
on a dirt road next to the interstate.

I have an abandoned vehicle registered
to a missing person, one Martha Huber.

Please advise.

As news spread
of this mysterious development,

everyone in the neighbourhood
decided to band together

to show their support,
and to look for clues, or worse.

I'm keeping my eyes on the horizon.

Tell me if I am about to step
on a body part.

It's a search and rescue.
We don't know if she's dead.

People fake abductions all the time.

Can we talk about
something less depressing?

Well, here's something.
Mike told me he loved me.

- Oh, my God!
- Over here! They found the body!

I'm sorry, false alarm.
We didn't find a body.

Ah, Susan just had
some really good news.

- Sorry.
- False alarm.

Well, doesn't that figure? Susan always
finds a way to make it about her.

Ladies and gentleman, I present
to you the fabulous Buick LaCrosse.

It has an expertly crafted interior,

peaceful Quiet Tuning
and ultrasonic rear parking assist.

Observe the remote activation feature.

And it also has a lot of
other exciting, good, cool car things.

Tom! Lynette!
What are you doing here?

Buying a new water heater.
How about you?

Just doing a little shopping.

Gaby, you need help? You're stuck.

- I guess I am.
- I got it.

Guess I got too close to the turntable.

- I'm a sucker for these Buicks.
- Come on, you bastard!

With their perfectly crafted interior
and peaceful Quiet Tuning.

A little formal for the mall.

You know, I wanted to match
the shoes to the dress.

This is Sarah, my shopping buddy.
We like to hit the boutiques together.

OK. Well, you gals shop
your little hearts out. See you later.

Bye!

Wow. Look at you. You going out?

Not that it's any of your business,
but I have a date.

A date? What kind of date?

I don't want to say anything
that might upset you.

The doctor says any undue stress
could cause another heart attack.

It's a romantic date with a single man.
I intend to French the hell out of him.

Oh. Right on time.

- Hi.
- Hi.

In my spare time I garden.
I thought you might like these.

They're exquisite.
Compost and eggs shells?

- Yes.
- Come on in.

Thanks.

George, you remember Rex.

- You said you were separated.
- We are, emotionally.

He lives here because
his mistress refuses to care for him.

- Would you like a drink?
- No, I'm fine. Thanks.

Rex, say hello to George.

- Hello, George.
- Hello, Dr Van De Kamp.

I'm gonna put these in water. George,
have a seat and I'll be right back.

So, how's your heart, Dr Van De Kamp?

- Better. How's the pharmacy?
- Busy. It's busy.

- Is something funny?
- It's nothing.

See, I recently engaged
in some extra-curricular activity,

and now Bree's doing
anything she can to make me suffer.

- All you can do is laugh.
- Yeah, I guess.

These flowers are stunning.
They're the best ones I've ever gotten.

- Shall we?
- Nice talking to you, Dr Van De Kamp.

Please, you're dating my wife.
Call me Rex.

That salesgirl that sold us the heater
had a cute figure.

- I guess. I didn't notice.
- She was so your type.

- Big breasts. Really curvy.
- What are you doing?

I'm saying you prefer women
who are curvy, like that salesgirl...

or Claire.

There's only one type
that I prefer: You.

You kissed me as though that would end
this conversation, and it so won't.

Why am I in trouble?

You made love to me the other night
because you had just seen Claire naked.

Wha?

Crap.

Claire is a great nanny. It would
be stupid to lose her over this.

You and I have had crushes before. We
always tell each other, laugh about it.

What worries me is
you're denying you're attracted.

- I'm not denying anything.
- So you are attracted?

I didn't say that.
What are you doing?

We are not moving until you confess
you have the hots for our nanny.

Tom, it's OK. She's attractive.

Men are drawn to fertile, young women
with whom they can plant their seed.

It's the basic flaw of your gender.
I get it. Just do me the honour...

We'd all like to get out of here.
Is there a problem?

My husband won't admit
that he has lust in his heart.

Can you give us a minute?

Lynette, Claire is attractive, yes.

But I am not attracted to her.

If there was any danger in having
Claire around, I'd get rid of her.

It's you. You're the one.

You always have been
and you always will be.

All right! Hold your water!

We drink ice cream soda
here down at the old five and dime!

- You guys were fantastic.
- Thank you.

They've got a dance floor upstairs.

OK. Have fun.

- Edie, over here!
- What the hell is she doing here?

I don't get to bring a date?
I heard you were bringing him.

Of all people,
you pick that tired piece of... Edie!

Hi, Susan.
Thank you so much for the invite.

I needed something
to get my mind off poor Martha.

A kiss for the birthday boy.

Edie, it's not his birthday.

Thank you, George.
That was a lovely evening.

The pleasure was mine. There's nothing
better than great conversation

with a beautiful woman
over a delicious meal.

Well, I guess I should go inside.

- I'm glad we did this.
- Me too.

Andrew. Where did you come from?

I was just on my way back from
Brian's house. What's going on here?

You remember Mr Williams,
our pharmacist?

- Hey there.
- How's it going?

- What are you doing in his car?
- We're just talking.

Mr Williams took me out to dinner.

You mean like on a date?

Yes.

You are aware
that she's married, right?

Your father and I are separated.

Couldn't you wait
until he was out of the house?

He's only in the house
because you insisted I care for him.

So what are you guys gonna do now?
Are you two gonna have sex?

- No, we are not!
- Why not?

Because I don't commit adultery
like your father!

Your father had an affair.
I found out about it.

I'm just trying to move on
with my life.

You should watch out for her.
She's a liar.

Andrew...

In spite of her mounting debt,
Gabrielle was determined to prove

she could get along just fine
without Carlos's money.

It wasn't until
the electricity went out

that she finally
began to see the light.

Mr Hartley, it's Gabrielle Solis.

I need you to start working
on releasing Carlos on bail.

I just remembered
where I put his passport.

But I, I took the sweet life

And never knew
I'd be bitter from the sweet

I spent my life exploring
the subtle whoring

That costs too much to be free

Hey, lady

I've been to paradise

But I've never been

To me

Thank you!

Damn, woman. You are good.

Yes! All right, you're next, Susie-Q.

- What you gonna sing?
- Yes!

- You sing?
- Only when I'm alone.

- We're among friends.
- I don't think so.

I for one would love
to hear your voice.

Give it up, plumber.
She's not budging.

- You wanna hear me sing?
- Yeah.

OK.

What's it gonna be?
I'll tell the piano player.

- New York, New York.
- I am so excited to hear you.

- But doesn't it just figure?
- What do you mean?

You have to get up in front of a room
full of people dressed like that.

I hope they don't turn on you.

I think I'll take my chances. Sort of
like you did on those high notes.

- I'm gonna get us two more.
- That's a great idea.

- So Mike seems pretty even-keeled.
- Yeah. He's a great guy.

But, you know, I mean,
he's a little Buster Brown.

Don't you worry you'll get bored?

Thanks for your concern. I'm fine.

Go figure. Even though our marriage
was crazy at times, it never got dull.

That part when you slept with
your secretary was really exciting.

I know. How many times
do I have to hear it? It was a mistake.

But don't I ever get credit
for the 13 loyal years beforehand?

Not counting
the Hendersons' Christmas party.

- Edie, not now.
- What's the big deal, Karl?

- Your marriage is history, anyway.
- Edie...

It was nothing, really.

Basically, we both
got plastered on eggnog

and we found ourselves
standing under the mistletoe,

and we were like,
"OK, so what do we do now?"

So I smiled and he smiled

and then Karl reached over
and started feeling me up.

- That's not how it happened.
- You're up.

This is... It's so silly. Susie...

Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome Susan Mayer.

Start spreading the news

I'm leaving today

I wanna be a part of it

New York, New York

These vagabond shoes...

You're an ass, you know that?
No, keep playing.

Are longing to stray

There's a word you know.

And get around the heart of it

New York, New York

I wanna...

...just tell you that the affair
was one thing.

I forgave you because I thought
that you were in love with her,

and now I find out you were
just groping people at parties!

Top of the heap...

Karl, don't you turn away from me.
Look at me!

During our marriage, how many
other women were you sticking it to?

As God as my witness,
it will snow on the hills of hell

before I ever feel sorry for you again!

New York!

As the police interviewed
the residents of Wisteria Lane

about the mysterious disappearance
of Martha Huber,

my husband Paul reasoned
it would only be a matter of time

before their digging
would begin to yield answers.

Since he knew
the police had no suspects...

...he decided to point them
towards the most logical candidate.

You see, if there's one thing
Paul understood about the suburbs,

it was this:

No one's ever more suspicious

than a new neighbour
who's just moved in.

- Parker's getting sniffly.
- Yeah, I noticed that too.

I hope he's not
coming down with a cold.

He doesn't have a cough yet, but he has
this post nasal drip thing happening.

I'll make an appointment for him.

I always say
it is better to be safe than sorry.

Little kids get sick,
and it's, sorry, out of control.

And kids with these colds,
it's just a vicious cycle.

Claire?

We have to make some changes.

What are you doing?

Packing up your father's things
for when he moves out.

Here, let me help you.

Look, I talked to Dad,

and it turns out
you were telling the truth.

Andrew, I'm so sorry
that I said anything.

No, I'm glad you did. Now I know.

There comes this point
in every boy's life.

What? Find out his dad's
screwing around?

No. That his father's only human.

So why are you taking care of him?

Because of what Danielle and I said?
Because you can forget that.

- I'll help take his stuff out.
- That's sweet.

But I'm taking care of him
because it's the right thing to do.

Why are you being
such a pushover?

I mean, he cheated on you. He's a jerk.

Andrew, you will not speak that way
about your father in front of me.

Why the hell not? I mean,
for once I'm actually on your side.

Yes, I'm angry with him.
I am gonna divorce him.

I may even marry somebody else,

but your father is and always will be
the love of my life.

He gave me
the best 18-year marriage that...

...I could have ever hoped for.

And for that you will respect him.

OK.

- What is it? I'm really, really busy.
- I came by to apologise.

Oh. Well, in that case, come on in.
I'm not doing anything.

I can't believe
Edie brought the whole thing up.

Susan, I am so sorry.
I thought I was done hurting you.

Yeah, me too.

And just so you know,
I'm sorry for flipping out.

I shouldn't let you
get to me like that.

- What?
- I do still get to you, don't I?

That's the difference
between the plumber and me.

Don't get me wrong,
he's a good guy. I like him.

But I'm betting you two
don't have what we had together.

There was always a spark between us.

A spark?

Look, what I'm trying to say is
he must seem really safe after me.

A moray eel would seem safe after you.

That's what I'm talking about, that
great back and forth, joking around.

We used to argue
and push each other's buttons.

Newsflash: I hated all of that.

Come on. You have to admit,
when it was good, it was the best.

What are you saying?

Let's give this another shot.

- You want me back?
- Yeah.

Yeah. I realise now
that you were the woman...

...that was meant for me.

Wow.

Just so we're clear,
so you want to move back in here

and be faithful to me and love me
with all your heart and soul?

- Absolutely.
- Oh, my God, this is so wonderful.

Yeah. I know, I know.

- I wanna kiss you.
- Oh, God. No, Karl.

No. What I meant by wonderful
is that I wondered inside

if I still had feelings for you,
if deep down I still loved you.

- And?
- And... there's nothing there.

- Come on, you've gotta feel something.
- Well, actually, I do. Yeah.

Excuse me. Oh, boy!

- Susan.
- Mike, guess what? I love you.

- Are you sure?
- Yes!

- Did I come at a bad time?
- They're just asking about Mrs Huber.

I love him.
You can write that in your little book.

We are all searching for someone,

that special person who will provide us
what's missing in our lives.

Someone who can offer companionship.

George? Hi, it's me, Bree.

I was wondering,
are you free next Saturday?

You are? Oh, that's wonderful.

Or assistance.

Hi, I understand
your agency handles nannies.

I need someone experienced
and preferably unattractive.

Or security.

Hi, honey. Did the lawyer
tell you the good news?

You're gonna make bail.
I found your passport.

And sometimes, if we search very hard,
we can find someone who provides us...

I just called to say hi,
and I love you.

...with all three.

All right, all right. Enough already.

Yes, we're all searching for someone.

And if we can't find them,
we can only pray they find us.

What you got, boy?