Desperate Housewives (2004–2012): Season 1, Episode 1 - Pilot - full transcript

My name is Mary Alice Young.

In this morning's paper,
you may come across an article

about the unusual day I had last week.

Normally, there's never anything
newsworthy about my life,

but that all changed last Thursday.

Of course, everything seemed
quite normal at first.

I made breakfast for my family.

I performed my chores.

I completed my projects.

I ran my errands.

In truth, I spent the day
as I spent every other day,



quietly polishing the routine of my life
until it gleamed with perfection.

That's why it was so astonishing when
I decided to go to my hallway closet

and retrieve a revolver
that had never been used.

My body was discovered
by my neighbor, Mrs. Martha Huber,

who'd been startled
by a strange popping sound.

Her curiosity aroused,

Mrs. Huber tried to think of a reason
for dropping in on me unannounced.

After some initial hesitation,

she decided to return the blender she
had borrowed from me six months before.

[Screams]

It's my neighbor. I think she's been
shot. There's blood everywhere.

Yes, you've got to send an ambulance.

You've got to send one right now.

And, for a moment, Mrs. Huber
stood motionless in her kitchen,



grief-stricken
by this senseless tragedy.

But only for a moment.

If there was one thing
Mrs. Huber was known for,

it was her ability
to look on the bright side.

I was laid to rest on a Monday.

After the funeral,
all the residents of Wisteria Lane

came to pay their respects.

And, as people do in these situations,
they brought food.

Lynette Scavo brought fried chicken.

Lynette had a great family recipe
for fried chicken.

She didn't cook much
while moving up the corporate ladder.

She didn't have the time.

But when her doctor announced she was
pregnant, her husband Tom had an idea.

"Why not quit yourjob?"

"Kids do better with stay-at-home moms.
It would be so much less stressful."

But this was not the case.

In fact, Lynette's life
had become so hectic

she was now forced to get her chicken
from the fast-food restaurant.

Lynette would've appreciated the irony
if she'd thought about it.

But she didn't have the time.

- Stop it, stop it, stop it.
- But, Mom.

No. You are going to behave today.

I am not going to be humiliated
in front of the entire neighborhood.

And, just so you know
how serious I am...

- What's that?
- Santa's cell-phone number.

How did you get that?

I know someone
who knows someone who knows an elf.

And if any of you acts up,
so help me, I will call Santa

and I will tell him
you want socks for Christmas.

Are you willing to risk that?

OK. Let's get this over with.

Gabrielle Solis who lives down the block
brought a spicy paella.

Since her modeling days in New York,
Gabrielle had developed a taste

for rich food...

...and rich men.

Carlos, who worked in mergers
and acquisitions,

proposed on their third date.

Gabrielle was touched
when tears welled up in his eyes.

But she soon discovered this happened
every time Carlos closed a big deal.

Gabrielle liked her paella piping hot.

However, her relationship with
her husband was considerably cooler.

If you talk to Al Mason at this thing,

mention how much
I paid for your necklace.

Why not pin the receipt to my chest?

He let me know what he paid
for his wife's convertible.

- Just work it in.
- There's no way I can.

Why not? At the Donahue party
everyone was talking mutual funds.

You mentioned
you slept with half the Yankee outfield.

It came up
in the context of the conversation.

People are staring.
Keep your voice down.

Absolutely. We wouldn't want them
to think we're not happy.

Bree Van De Kamp, who lives next door,

brought baskets of muffins
she baked from scratch.

Bree was known for her cooking.
And for making her own clothes.

And for doing her own gardening.

And for re-upholstering
her own furniture.

Yes, Bree's many talents were known
throughout the neighborhood.

Everyone on Wisteria Lane thought
of Bree as the perfect wife and mother.

Everyone, that is,
except her own family.

Paul. Zachary.

- Hello, Mrs. Van De Kamp.
- You shouldn't have.

It was no trouble. The basket
with the red ribbon is for your guests.

The one with the blue ribbon
is just for you and Zachary.

It's got rolls, muffins,
breakfast type things.

Thank you.

The least I could do
was give you a decent meal

to look forward to in the morning.

I know you're
out of your minds with grief.

Yes, we are.

I will need
the baskets back once you're done.

Of course.

Susan Mayer,
who lives across the street,

brought macaroni and cheese.

Her husband, Karl,
always teased her about her macaroni,

saying it was the only thing she knew
how to cook and she rarely made it well.

It was too salty the night
she and Karl moved into their house.

It was too watery the night
she found lipstick on Karl's shirt.

She burned it the night Karl told her
he was leaving her for his secretary.

A year had passed since the divorce.

Susan had started to think how nice it
would be to have a man in her life.

Even one who would
make fun of her cooking.

Mom, why would
someone kill themselves?

Well, sometimes people are so unhappy,

they think that's the only way
to solve their problems.

- Mrs. Young always seemed happy.
- Yeah.

Sometimes people pretend to be one way,
when they're totally different inside.

Like how Dad's girlfriend always says
nice things, but we know she's a bitch.

I don't like that word, Julie.
But, yeah, that's a great example.

[Man] You're welcome.

[Julie] What's going on?

Sorry I'm late.

- Hi, Susan.
- Hey.

So what did Karl say
when you confronted him?

You'll love this, he said, "It doesn't
mean anything. It was just sex."

Ah, yes, page one
of the philanderer's handbook.

Then he got this Zen look on his face
and said, "You know,

most men live lives
of quiet desperation."

- Tell me you punched him.
- No. I said,

"What do most women lead?
Lives of noisy fulfillment?"

- Good for you.
- Did he have to bang his secretary?

I had that woman to brunch.

An erect penis
doesn't have a conscience.

Even the limp ones aren't that ethical.

This is why I joined the NRA.

When Rex started going to those
conferences,

I wanted it in the back of his mind
that he had a wife

with a loaded Smith & Wesson.

Lynnie, Tom's always away.
Do you ever worry he might...?

He's gotten me pregnant
three times in four years.

I wish he was having sex
with someone else.

So, Susan,
is he gonna stop seeing that woman?

I don't know.

I'm sorry, you guys, I just...

I just don't know
how I'm gonna survive this.

Listen to me.

We all have moments of desperation.

If we can face them head-on, that's when
we find out how strong we really are.

[Far off] Susan.

Susan.

I was just saying
Paul wants us to go over on Friday.

He needs us to help
pack up Mary Alice's things.

He can't face doing it by himself.

- Sure. That's fine.
- Are you OK?

Yeah. I'm just so angry.

If Mary Alice was having problems,
she should've let us help her.

What problems could she have had?
She was healthy,

had a great home, a nice family.
Her life was...

Our life.

No. If Mary Alice was having a crisis,
we'd have known.

She lives 50 feet away,
for God sakes.

Gabby, the woman killed herself.
Something must've been going on.

- I wouldn't eat that if I were you.
- Why?

I made it. Trust me.

Hey, hey, do you have a death wish?

No, I just don't believe that anybody
can screw up macaroni and cheese.

Oh, my God.

How did you...? It tastes like
it's burnt and undercooked.

Yeah, I get that a lot. Here you go.

Thanks. I'm Mike Delfino. I just started
renting the Sims' house next door.

Susan Mayer. I live across the street.

Mrs. Huber told me about you.
Said you illustrate children's books.

Yeah, I'm very big
with the under-five set.

- [He laughs]
- What do you do?

Plumber. So if you ever have a clog...

...or something.

Now that everybody's seen
that I brought something,

I should probably just throw this out.

- [Baby squeals]
- Ow.

Ease up, you little vampire.

Lynette, I've been looking
all over for you.

Are you aware
of what your sons are doing?

Cannonball!

- [Boy] Stop!
- [Boys cheer]

What are you doing? We are at a wake.

- You said we could go in the pool.
- I said you could go by the pool.

Do you have your swimsuits on?

Yeah, we put 'em on ourselves
before we left.

You three planned this? All right.
That's it. Get out.

- No.
- No?

I am your mother.
You have to do what I say. Come on.

We want to swim and you can't stop us!

[Chatter]

[She groans]

Here.

- No!
- Get out.

Think I won't get in this pool
and just grab you? Get out!

Oh!

Get over here.

All right, give me your arm.

You...

Yah!

That's right. Get over here.

Go, go, go, go, go. Move it.

Out. Get out.

Paul, we have to leave now.
Once again, I am so sorry for your loss.

Go.

Lynette shouldn't have been
so concerned about my husband.

He had other things on his mind.
Things below the surface.

The morning after my funeral, my friends
and neighbors quietly went back

to their busy, busy lives.

While some did their cooking...

...and some did their cleaning...

...and some did their yoga...

...others...

...did their homework.

- Hi...
- [dog barks]

I'm Julie. I kicked my ball
into your backyard.

Oh, OK. Well, let's go round and get it.

- Stay.
- [Dog growls]

His wife died a year ago.
In LA there were too many memories.

He's renting for tax purposes,
but hopes to buy soon.

- I can't believe you went over there.
- I saw you flirting.

Now you know he's single,
you can ask him out.

Julie, I like Mr. Delfino, I do.

I just... I don't know
if I'm ready to date yet.

You need to get back out there. How
long has it been since you've had sex?

- Are you mad I asked you that?
- No, I'm trying to remember.

I don't want to talk to you
about my love life.

I wouldn't have said anything. Just...

What?

I heard Dad's girlfriend ask
if you'd dated anyone since the divorce.

And Dad said he doubted it.
And then they both laughed.

[Dog barks]

Hey, Susan.

Hi, Mike. I brought you
a house-warming gift.

I should've brought
something by earlier.

- Actually, you're the first to stop by.
- Really?

- Susan knew she was lucky.
- Well...

An eligible bachelor
had moved on to Wisteria Lane

and she was the first to find out.

She also knew that good news...

- Hello there.
...travels quickly.

Edie Britt was the most predatory
divorc?e in a five-block radius.

Her conquests were numerous.

Varied.

And legendary.

[Priest] Wh... Ah!

Hi, Susan. I hope I'm not interrupting.

You must be Mike Delfino.
Hi, I'm Edie... Britt.

I live over there.

Welcome to Wisteria Lane.

Susan had met the enemy.
And she was a slut.

Thank you. What's this?

Sausage puttanesca.
It's just something I threw together.

Well, thanks, Edie.

That's... great. I'd invite you in,
but I was in the middle of something.

- I'm late for an appointment.
- I just wanted to say hi.

And just like that,
the race for Mike Delfino had begun.

For a moment, Susan
wondered if her rivalry with Edie

would remain friendly.

Oh, Mike, I heard you're a plumber.

But she was reminded that
when it came to men...

Could you stop by later
and take a look at my pipes?

...women don't fight fair.
- Sure.

Thanks.

Bye, Susan.

- You can't order me around.
- Gabrielle.

No, no. I'm not going.

Tanaka expects
everyone to bring their wives.

Every time I'm around that man,
he tries to grab my ass.

I made over 200,000
doing business with him last year.

If he wants to grab your ass, let him.

[Wind chimes]

- John.
- Ow!

Mr. Solis, you scared me.

Why is that bush there?
You were supposed to dig it up.

- I didn't have time.
- I don't want excuses.

Just take care of it.

I really hate the way you talk to me.

And I hate that I spent $15,000
on your diamond necklace

you couldn't live without.

But I'm learning to deal with it. So can
I tell Tanaka we'll be there tomorrow?

John, we have bandages
top shelf in the kitchen.

Thanks, Mrs. Solis.

Fine, I'll go.

But I'm keeping my back pressed
against the wall the entire time.

See, now this is what
a marriage is all about. Compromise.

- Is your finger OK?
- Yeah, it's just a small cut.

Let me see. Mmm.

You know, Mrs. Solis,
I really like it when we hook up,

but, um, you know,
I got to get my work done and...

...I can't afford to lose this job.

This table was hand-carved.
Carlos had it imported from Italy.

It cost him $23,000.

You want to do it
on the table this time?

Absolutely.

[Gentle classical music]

Why can't we ever have normal soup?

Danielle, there is nothing abnormal
about basil pur?e.

Once, can we have a soup
people have heard of?

- Like French onion or navy bean?
- Your father can't eat onions.

He's deathly allergic. And I won't even
dignify your navy bean suggestion.

So, how's the osso buco?

- It's OK.
- It's OK?

I spent three hours cooking this meal.

How do you think it feels when you say,
"It's OK" in that sullen tone?

Who asked you to spend three hours
on dinner?

Excuse me?

Tim Harper's mom gets home from work,
pops open a can of pork and beans,

and they're eating,
everyone's happy.

- You'd rather I served pork and beans?
- Apologize now, I beg.

I'm saying do you always have to serve
cuisine? Can't we just have food?

- Are you doing drugs?
- What?

Change in behavior
is a warning sign

and you have been as fresh as paint
for the last six months.

It explains why you're always
in the bathroom.

- That is not what he's doing.
- Shut up.

Mom, I'm not the one
with the problem here.

You're the one acting like
she's running for Mayor of Stepford.

Rex... seeing that
you're the head of this household,

I'd appreciate you saying something.

Pass the salt?

Three days after my funeral,

Lynette replaced her grief
with a much more useful emotion.

Indignation.

Tom, this is my fifth message
and you still haven't called me back.

You must be having a lot of fun on
your business trip. I can only imagine.

Guess what, the kids and I
want to have some fun too,

so unless you call me back by noon,
we're getting a plane and joining you.

- Mom.
- Not now. Mommy's threatening Daddy.

- Mom.
- No, I...

- Where are your brothers?
- Noodles, my favorite.

- Lynette Scavo?
- [Under her breath] Crap.

Natalie Klein. I don't believe it.

- Lynette. How long has it been?
- Years. How are you? How's the firm?

- Good. Everyone misses you.
- Yeah.

We all say, if you hadn't quit
you'd be running the place by now.

Yeah, well.

So how's domestic life?

Don't you just love being a mom?

And there it was. The question
that Lynette always dreaded.

Well, to be honest...

For those who asked it,
only one answer was acceptable.

So Lynette responded
as she always did. She lied.

It's the best job I've ever had.

[Gasps]

- You know what I don't get?
- What?

Why you married Mr. Solis.

Well, he promised to give me
everything I've ever wanted.

- And did he?
- Yes.

Then why aren't you happy?

Turns out I wanted all the wrong things.

So do you love him?

I do.

So then why are we here?
Why are we doing this?

Because I don't want
to wake up one morning

with a sudden urge
to blow my brains out.

- Hey, can I have a drag?
- Absolutely not.

You are much too young to smoke.

How would you feel if I used your child
support payments for plastic surgery?

Stop being nervous. You're just
asking him to dinner. No big deal.

You're right.

So is that your project for school?

In fifth grade I made
the White House out of sugar cubes.

Stop stalling and go. Before
Mike figures out he can do better.

Tell me again
why I fought for custody of you.

- You were using me to hurt Dad.
- Oh, that's right.

Oh, God.

- Hi.
- Hey, Susan.

- Are you busy?
- No, not at all. What's up?

Well, I... I just, uh,
was wondering if...

...if there was any chance
that you, uh...

...I just wanted to ask if...

- Edie.
- Hey, there, Susan.

- What are you...?
- I was making ambrosia.

And I made too much so I thought
I'd bring some over to Mike.

- What's going on?
- Susan was gonna ask me something.

Uh...

- I have a clog.
- Excuse me?

- And you're a plumber, right?
- Yeah.

- The clog's in the pipe.
- Yeah, that's usually where they are.

- Well, I've got one.
- OK. Let me get my tools.

Now? You want to come over now?
You have company.

I don't mind.

Just give me two minutes.
I'll be right over.

[Squeals quietly]

[Breathes heavily]

That's it.

- Stuff the hair down.
- I stuffed it.

- It's not enough to clog it.
- Here. Here. Look.

Put in this peanut butter.

And this cooking oil.

- Mom...
- And these olives.

- It's not working.
- [Doorbell]

Oh, God. That's him.

How am I gonna stop up the sink?

Well, here's your problem.

Somebody stuffed
a bunch of Popsicle sticks down here.

I've told Julie a million times not to
play in the kitchen. Kids, you know.

I'll go put in your orders and I'll be
back with your plates for the salad bar.

Thank you.

Andrew, Danielle, napkins. Thank you.

They have video games. Can we go play
until our food gets here?

- This is family time. I think...
- Go ahead and play.

I know you think I'm angry
about coming here, but I'm not.

The kids wanted a change of pace,
something fun.

I get it. They'll want something
healthier tomorrow, though.

- I'm thinking chicken saltimbocca.
- I want a divorce.

I just can't live in this...

...this detergent commercial anymore.

The salad bar's there.
Help yourself.

Thank you.

Um, I think I'll go get
your salad for you.

- Bree Van De Kamp.
- Oh, hello, Mrs. Huber.

We didn't get a chance to talk
at Mary Alice's wake. How are you doing?

Bre longed to share the truth
about her husband's painful betrayal.

But sadly for Bree,
admitting defeat was not an option.

Great. Everything is just great.

I got you the honey mustard dressing.
The ranch looked a little bit suspect.

Are we gonna talk about what I said?

If you think I'll discuss
my marriage in a place

with rest-rooms labeled "Chicks"
and "Dudes", you're out of your mind.

- What's in this?
- What do you mean? It's salad.

- With... with onions.
- What?

- You put onions in my salad.
- No I didn't.

Oh, wait.

[Digging]

The sound that awakened my son was
something he'd heard only once before.

Many years ago
when he was quite young.

But he recognized it instantly.

[Grunts]

It was the sound of a family secret.

[Grunts]

Seven days after my funeral,
life on Wisteria Lane

finally returned to normal.

Which, for some of my friends,
was unfortunate.

- Mommy, Mommy!
- Now what?

- Daddy's home!
- [Boys cheer]

Come on! Hey, is anybody home?

- Hey!
- Hey!

I wasn't expecting you for a week.

I have to go back to 'Frisco
in the morning.

But I got your call.
You sounded frazzled.

Yeah.

- It's been a little rough.
- Hi. Yeah. Peaches.

Did you buy us any presents?

Oh, God, presents.
Wait up. Let me see.

- Ohhh!
- Yeah!

But I'm not giving it to you unless you
promise to go outside right now

and practise throwing for 20 minutes.

- Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
- Punks. Get out!

Who's open? Go out.
Deeper. Deeper. Touchdown!

Oh, my God.

Oh, no.

You got to be kidding. I'm exhausted.
I look terrible. I'm covered in peaches.

- I'm sorry, baby. I got to have you.
- Well, is it OK if I just lie here?

- Absolutely.
- [She laughs]

- I love you.
- I love you more... Oh, baby.

Wait.
I was having trouble with swelling.

The doctor took me off the pill.
Put on a condom.

- A condom?
- Yeah.

What's the big deal? Let's risk it.

- Let's risk it?
- Yeah.

- I can't believe you tried to kill me.
- Yes, well, I feel badly about that.

Mrs. Huber came over and I got
distracted. It was a mistake.

- Since when do you make mistakes?
- What does that mean?

It means I'm sick of you
being so damn perfect all the time.

I'm sick of the bizarre way
your hair doesn't move.

I'm sick of you making our bed in the
morning before I've used the bathroom.

You're this plastic suburban housewife,
with her pearls and spatula,

who says things like
"We owe the Hendersons a dinner."

Where's the woman I fell in love with...

...who used to burn the toast
and drink milk out of the carton?

And laugh.

I need her. Not this cold,
perfect thing you've become.

These need water.

Bree sobbed quietly
in the restroom for five minutes,

but her husband never knew.

Because when Bree finally emerged...

...she was perfect.

- I found my earrings. We can go now.
- Was John here today?

Well, yeah.

The lawn hasn't been mowed. I've
had it. We're getting a real gardener.

- Why?
- Are you deaf?

I just said he's not doing his job.

It's dark. You just can't see
the lawn has been mowed.

- It hasn't. Feel this grass.
- I'm not feeling the grass.

Let's just get going.
Come on, we're late.

- Take care of it.
- Yes, sir.

There's Tanaka.
Time for me to go and do my dance.

Good luck, sweetheart.

You see that man just walked away?

Can you make sure he has a drink
in his hand all night long?

Yes, ma'am.

[Squeals]

Mm.

- Susan? Susan!
- Mrs. Huber, how are you doing?

Not too well, I'm afraid. I'm trying to
find something to soothe my stomach.

- It's upset?
- Yeah.

I had the worst macaroni and cheese at
the wake. It's been running through me.

And I need to be at my best. Edie
Britt's son is spending the night.

He's spending the night?

Edie is having a gentleman friend
over for dinner,

and I think she plans on
entertaining into the wee hours,

if you know what I mean.

Oh, here's some antacid.
Have you ever tried this?

I can't believe it.
This can't be happening.

Mike can't like Edie
better than me.

You don't know what's going on.
Maybe they're just having dinner.

You're right. They're doing it.

Edie?

Edie?

Hello? Anybody home?

I need to borrow sugar.

[# Marvin Gaye: Let's Get It On
plays on stereo]

[Edie] Oh, my God!
Oh, yes! Give it to me!

And just like that,
the possibility Susan had clung to,

the maybe of Mike Delfino,
was gone forever.

[Sighs]

And despite the precariousness
of her situation,

Susan took a moment to mourn her loss.

[Gasps]

Oh. [blows]

Oh! Oh!

[Squeals]

It didn't take Susan long to realize,
this was just not her night.

[Edie] Is somebody out there?

- [Smoke alarm]
- Oh, my God! That's smoke!

[Sirens]

[Two-way radio]

Oh, my God.

She left candles unattended in the den.

Paramedic said she was lucky.
She could've been killed.

[Lynette] She ran out with nothing on.

- She was having sex with some guy.
- What happened to him?

He got smoke inhalation.
He's at the hospital.

Oh.

Susan, are you all right?
You look awful.

I'm fine. I'm fine.
I just, uh, feel really bad for Edie.

Oh, honey, don't worry about Edie.
She's a strong lady.

Absolutely. She'll get through this.
She'll find a way to survive.

We all do.

Come on.

- Wow! What happened?
- Mike!

And suddenly there he was.
Like a phoenix rising from the ashes.

I... I thought you were... uh...
Where were you?

I just got back from the movies.
Edie had a fire, huh?

Yeah. Yeah, but she's fine now.
Everything's fine now.

And just like that, Susan was happy.

Life was suddenly full of...
possibilities.

Not to mention
a few unexpected surprises.

- Hello.
- It's me.

- Have anything yet?
- No, nothing yet.

But don't worry.
I'm definitely getting closer.

I brought some champagne.
I thought we should have a toast.

The next day my friends came together
to pack away my clothes,

my personal belongings
and what was left of my life.

All right, ladies, lift 'em up.

To Mary Alice,
a good friend and neighbor.

Wherever you are,
we hope you've found peace.

- To Mary Alice.
- To Mary Alice.

Let's get this show on the road.

You guys,
check out Mary Alice's clothes.

Size eight? Ha!
She always told me she was a size six.

- We found the skeleton in her closet.
- Not quite, Gabrielle, not quite.

- What's that?
- A letter addressed to Mary Alice.

How ironic.

To have something I tried so desperately
to keep secret, treated so casually.

- What are you doing? That's private.
- It's open. What's the big deal?

- What does this mean?
- Don't know. Check out the postmark.

Oh, my God. She got it the day she died.

Do you think this is why she...?

I'm so sorry, girls. I never wanted you
to be burdened with this.

Oh, Mary Alice, what did you do?