Delicious (2016–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - Funeral Plans - full transcript

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Awful.

Hearts and lungs and guts.

prime cuts and gristle.

And that's it.

I know every clove of garlic has a soul,

even artichokes have hearts,

but me,

I'm not so sure.

My very own little meat fridge.

The light really does go out

when you close the door.



They say death comes to us all.

But what they don't tell you

is that nobody just leaves.

No,

we're only traces,

echoes,

and trouble.

Lots of trouble.

One lie can ruin a thousand truths.

And the truth is,

I loved Sam.

But Gina was never going to tell her.

She always had a flexible
relationship with the truth.

If she didn't like it,
she simply ignored it.



Believe me, it's one hell of a skill.

You have to tell her.

I just don't see how it's relevant.

You know if you don't want
to do it face to face

maybe you should just text her.

That's what the young people
are doing now.

"Hey, by the way, your
dead husband still loved you,"

smiley face.

You should try this.

I'm not hungry.

- You said that yesterday.
- I am still not hungry.

I though we were getting
somewhere, with all of this...

Where is "somewhere",
exactly, morbid obesity?

No, it's something.

Somewhere is something.
I want you to eat something.

I'm not hungry.

My father has just died.

I'm in mourning.

Bullshit.

How dare you?

How dare you say
something like that to me?

That is shit, Teresa, and you know it!

You've been starving yourself
like this for a year now, it's not

healthy, and it's not right,
and it's not normal!

You are not normal!

At least I'm not a liar.

Right! Fine, you win!

Okay!

I'll take her a lasagna
and I'll tell her.

Will that make you happy?

Nothing will ever make me happy.

But I still think you should
tell Sam the truth.

Er, and here's your keys.

You're in our bridal suite.

And I think it's a lovely
anniversary present.

- It's so romantic.
- 40 years.

Does it seem like 40 years
since we were last here, Jen?

Honestly? It feels longer.

Well, it's never too late
for a second honeymoon.

Dan will show you to your room.

- Thank you!
- Thank you.

Advice to the living:

be careful what you leave behind.

Because they're gonna see it.

I should never have written
that damn letter.

It's right here. Exactly what he wants.

A funeral in the Sicilian tradition.

And you're doing eulogy.

What?

"Michael Vincent
to give the formal address."

But an open coffin.

Are we sure this is genuine?

He was raised in the Church of England

specifically to prevent
any of this religious nonsense.

Leo's handwriting...

And the wake...
it's more like a banquet.

Rigato di Vitelli alla Milanese...

Porchetto Ariccio?!

And, I don't see why
I should have to do a eulogy.

I mean is that what the vicar does?

The whole thing is ridiculous.

And look how he addressed it:
"My darling wife".

Like he was hedging his bloody bets.

Where are you going?

Out.

But we agreed that
you would stay with Mimi.

She's fine.

- No, no, no. You said that you...
- Oh, let the boy go.

I'm quite capable of
quietly dying of grief,

while he masturbates to death
in front of the Xbox.

See? Back to normal service.

Has he spoken to you?

- About any of this?
- He seems fine!

- That what's worries me.
- He'll come to you when he's ready.

Good morning, boss.

You made a real mess
of that, didn't you?

Yeah. Sorry about that.

So?

Hum... Yeah, I'm okay.

Sure you are.

They want me to do a speech.

At his funeral.

Alright,

- you shitting yourself?
- No.

Er, yeah.

Dad wanted me to do it.

Ah, I guess that means you better do it.

What if I'll really,
really don't want to?

Well, that's a point of becoming a man.

Mean you got to do a lot
of stuff you don't want to.

Y'know, put down the toilet seat,
eating salad, getting married.

So how is your mum?

Did you talk to her?

Yeah, sort of.

You know, you should.

♪Listening.

That's another one, by the way.

Ah, it's a funny thing, death!

I mean, we all got it coming but
it always happens to someone else.

Until it doesn't.

It's a... consolo.

Everyone cooks for the grieving family,
it's a Sicilian tradition.

Like blowing up judges.

That looks amazing.
But we are fine. Honestly.

Well, everyone has to eat.
Especially at a time like this.

And... Obviously we got to...
talk about... a few things.

Did Leo mention anything to you?

About his funeral.

Not specifically.

I suspect he regarded himself as
above this inconvenience of

- ...actually dying.
- It seems not.

He left this.

"Porchetta Ariccio."

"Funghi Trifolati". Aah.

But you know what this is.

This menu... is our history. Leo and me.

These are the dishes that made our name.

My family recipes.

This menu is our marriage.

Ah, I think it's ridiculous!

But this is what he wanted.

His last request.

Perhaps he should have thought about that
before he slept with his ex-wife.

So, you're refusing

to carry out his last wishes,

despite the fact that they're
here in black and white?

Leo will have a perfectly
respectable funeral.

As his wife, it's my duty
to see to that.

But that's all.

Can you believe she wanted
to just ignore it?

Well, obviously.

His dying wishes!

So you knew about this?

Dad did mention before that
he wanted the full Godfather?

No, not specifically, but

y'know he was a passionate man,
he loved the tradition,

- the theatre...
- The infidelity.

So how did the other bit go?

What other bit?

The whole "he wanted you back" business,

the whole reason you went
round there in the first place.

Oh, right, yeah. Fine.
Yeah, she seemed very pleased.

"Pleased"?

Well, you know, not pleased, relieved.
You know, better.

You know what I mean.

I was wrong and you were right.
It helped her a lot.

And you, dear, how are you copping?

I'm fine.

That's what I thought.

You forget I've been
through all this before.

When my George died it was
like an army of manoeuvres.

There was no time to think.

But...

ruin comes soon enough.

And when it does,

you find me.

- Hi.
- Hi.

It's weird, isn't it?

All this.

It's not just weird, it's fucking weird.

So, how is Gina?

Cooking.

I swear, if they dropped a bomb,
she'd be stirring risotto.

How's yours?

Hum... I don't really
know what she thinks.

She doesn't really talk to me.

Sounds like heaven. Do you wanna swap?

I mean, you'd had to live with a mad
woman that wish to make you hungry.

Oh god, I'm so sorry!

- I just heard. Are you alright?
- Er... Yeah, I think so.

I'm so sorry.

Does this mean you're an orphan?

Er, well...

I suppose so, yeah.

How do you feel?

I feel alone.

You're not alone.

Is there anything I can do
to make you feel better?

Bye.

Every man remembers the first time.

No, not that.

The first time it doesn't work.

Dying is easy compared to that.

In fact...

It's so fine, it's...
Almost better than if we had...

You know.

Maybe we should just...

Like, talk.

I need to go.

- A Sicilian funeral?
- Mmh.

It seems a little... unusual.

I thought Leo was Church of England.

Not that he ever attended.

He was a very religious man, but

his relationship with God was very...

- personal and unique.
- Well, I can see that.

An open coffin?

You Catholics are so macabre.

- But can you help us?
- Honestly...

The Anglican Church is
nothing if not flexible.

- It'll be my honour to help you...
- Ah!

in any way I possibly can.

My... sincere condolences, Sam.

Er, Gina and I were just
discussing funeral arrangements.

You've invited the entire village!

That is the tradition.

The community pays its respects,
and the family repays them

with a feast celebrating
the life of the deceased.

And of course,

a suit needs to be delivered
to the funeral directors.

- A suit?!
- Yeah. Black is traditional.

I don't want to have
this conversation now!

It's just I really think
someone else would be better!

- He asked you! It's not an option.
- Yeah, I know, but...

I reckon he thought I was gonna
be older, you know, when he died.

- So I'd be better at public speaking.
- You think I want to do all this?

Any of it?

You think I want to go crawling to that
bitch Gina Benelli so she can cook up some

bullshit meal and have
everyone falling over her?

Have to stand there and smile
and make conversation

with a village full of people
who's always hated my guts!

This is not all about you.

You are eighteen. Grow the fuck up!

Oh, shit.

First, the body comes home.

Next, the church service.

Finally, the wake itself.

A feast fit to send any man to heaven.

He really wanted all this?

Well, Leo loved the tradition.

And the whole idea of being
the centre of attention.

I think it's creepy.

Just everyone just staring
down at a dead person.

It's just a body.

It's not the person you loved.

Here.

Thanks.

You really shouldn't smoke.

I know.

- So why do you do it?
- Don't know.

I tried the vaping thing, but

the lack of lingering death
never really worked for me.

I think my dad was the same.

Leo didn't smoke!

He didn't do a lot
of things... officially.

Bastard!

He made me give up, when we first met.

Wrinkles.

That was his main concern.

It gives you a mouth like a
cat's ass. That's a direct quote.

So you hate her the most, right now?

I don't hate her.

It's just...

If it was anyone else.

I thought it was Suzie. The new manager?

The younger model.

The midlife-crisis woman,
buy her a Ferrari, screw it out.

But instead darling daddy fucked
the old fear in the back of the garage.

He went back to her.

So what does that make me?

The blip.

Twenty years of marriage,
and what is it really?

Bloody blip.

She didn't tell you, did she?

Tell me what?

Mmh. Mummy dearest.

He ditched her.

Right after you found out.

Told her it was all a huge mistake.

He said that?

He came to the cottage,

begged her to persuade you
to take him back.

Right before... you know.

Why are you telling me this?

Because it's the truth.

I've always been a big fan of honesty.

I think I'm unique in this family.

Thank you.

Want some?

Deodorant!

I hate to smell bad more
than anything else.

Dad gave it to me.

Another of his little secrets.

Thanks.

You're welcome.

Off out?

- Oh, we have some leaflets.
- No need. We got it all planned.

Electronically, no less.

Siri.

She must be obeyed.

- Got us on a strict timetable.
- Down to the last second.

Mussolini had nothing on her.

Some people spend
their life thinking about death.

I never really give it the time of day.

But funerals! That's another matter.

Not many people get to
look down on their own.

I've got a front row seat.

This is gonna be good.

Well. I'm ready.

I hope the good lord doesn't object
to me switching sides like this.

Well, she'd be a damn fool if she did.

- I think it's safe from lightning bolts.
- Mmh, you'd be surprised.

You think that god is a woman?

Yeah, of course I do. Don't you?

You can talk to me, you know?

If it'll help.

I can pass on any messages.

- Well, tell her that I'm busy right now,
- Mm-mmh.

but we can catch up
when this is all over.

No problem.

I mean, obviously it's a tragedy.

Obviously.

No one is talking
about the economic impact.

As counsel leader, it's my
responsibility to look to the future.

There are jobs at stake.

Leo Vincent was our brand.

It looks like you'll need
to get a new one, then.

Can't you just wait
until tea time, I said no!

Such a difficult age!

No rum 'n' raisin.

So I made an executive decision,
and went for mint choc chip.

Mmh, then I shall just have to suffer!

- You're okay?
- I'm fine.

Just stop saying that.

You're British.

Fine is a spinal reflex.

Um...

I have something for you.

No, take it.

Just... in case.

No.

No, no, I-I can't do it.

Simple. Just imagine me naked.

- What, in church?
- Especially in church.

Okay.

Okay, so, er, why don't you do it?

Because, in a patriarchal society,

the firstborn son always
takes prouder place.

I thought you would've
figured that out by now.

Stark naked.

My father always...

Er...

My-my father... always...

My-my father, hum....

" Stark naked."

Oh.

Er, fuck, um... sorry.

Hi, Michael. Go sit down.

No mother

should bury a son.

The very idea

is an affront to decency.

Against god.

And yet here I am.

Leo... was my only child.

I loved him very much.

All of you knew my son.

And some of you loved him, too.

But I am the one

who held him in my arms
when he was born.

And held his hand when he
crossed his first busy street.

And I let him weep
on my shoulder when his foolish,

sixteen year-old heart was broken.

All of that was mine.

And mine alone.

Some of you may believe that age

diminishes those feelings.

I stand here to tell you...

It doesn't.

Thank you.

That was always my favourite song.

My mother bought me
the single for my birthday.

I'd asked for The Rolling Stones,

but she always knew
what was good for me.

Nobody minded.

- Honestly.
- I did.

I'll be back in a minute.

Sam.

Please!

Leo came to see me.

He wanted me to help him talk to you.

Told me that he regretted
everything, and that

hurt me.

Because I could see in his eyes
that he meant every single word.

I asked him to choose, and

he chose you. He wanted you.

I know.

Teresa told me.

She thought I deserved the truth.

And in fact, I think we both do.

After I found the letter
I checked Leo's will.

He left everything to me.

I didn't expect anything.

What about Teresa?

It's mine.

And I've decided to sell.

The cottages, the house, the Penrose.

All of it.

The wake.

Porchetta Ariccia.

The speciality of a small
village just north of Roma.

You take a suckling pig,
gut and debone it.

Stuff it with garlic,
rosemary and fennel,

slow-roast it over a wood fire.

It's quite the finest morsel
you've ever put between your lips.

Next!

When the Dukes of Modena
wanted to intimidate their rivals,

they didn't need swords or muskets.

They simply invited them to diner.

The expense, the luxury,
the sheer indulgence,

that was real power.

Girls. Girls!

What is it supposed to be?

"Granita di limone".

- It cleans the palate. Apparently.
- Ah, it's disgusting!

It's like toilet cleaner.

Or at least what I imagined
toilet cleaner would taste like.

Yes, thank you.

Apparently, Jenny Burton was
drinking it for an entire month!

Before they finally put her into a home.

Are you okay?

Yes.

You need to lighten up.

You're a rich man, baby.

Me, I'm just a "pay as you go" girl
dreaming of a contract.

Yeah, but I don't care
about his money, do I?

Funny. That's what
all the rich kids say.

You really think you're smart,
don't you?

Look... Hell of a turnout.

And you know why, right?

Full bellies and full wallets.

They loved our darling daddy
because he made them rich.

They all did.

If the rumours are true,
then we have a problem.

This hotel is a big part
of the community.

What I'm saying is...

We mustn't let a personal tragedy

mushroom into an economic one.

Don't you think?

I think that you are a disgusting guy

with a very tiny penis.

That's the grief talking.

You know what she's like.

I mean... It...

It doesn't mean I don't
feel sorry for her.

You're pissed, Clyde.

The truth is...

Sam has never fitted in here.

Never really been part of what I...

like to call...

the "real community."

And that's not to say...

She's an actual gold digger but pound
to a penny she's back to London

with the real *** before you can say...

Are you... talking about my mother?

And he's talking complete shit.
Let's get you home.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Not until he apologises.

I respect your grief, young man.

But I've got the right to voice.

***

Ugh!

Come here.

Ah!

Leave him alone.

Now fuck off.

- You know I'm okay.
- You're bleeding.

- Hold still.
- Ah. Ow!

Oh.

No. It was your husband.

I don't think it's quite
that simple, do you?

Ashes to ashes...

Dust to dust...

The proof of the pudding...

is under the crust.

_

Time to go home.

This is the last will and testament
of Leo Philip Vincent.

I have confirmed

that the will is legal and final.

It states that Samantha Vincent is
the main beneficiary of the estate.

I have consolidated all the figures

and I'm afraid the task
was rather complex.

As there were certain
irregularities in the accounts.

What kind of irregularities?

Well... while on the surface,

the various companies
and trusts seemed healthy,

on closer inspection,

certain significant losses and
outstanding debts had been concealed.

In short...

there is no estate.

All there is are debts.

Substantial ones.

Hi.

Uh, hi.

- Is that...?
- Yep.

Any reason why
you brought old dad along?

Mmh, that's what we used to do,
when I was a kid.

Every Sunday.

Well, at least until the
business thing went crazy.

We could talk about fish,

or we could talk about nothing. So...

I chose fish.

- You're using our father as bait?
- Yeah.

Well, he made millions
feeding fish to people,

I think it's only right that they
get to eat what's left of him.

So what did we just scatter?

Half a disposable barbecue?

Yeah.

Oh! You've... you've got one.

- Yeah, OK, get the net.
- Got it.

- Get the net. Just get the net.
- Pull harder. What now?

- ...you're not pulling hard enough.
- Just listen to me...

- No stop pulling!
- What? No, you've...

- You're not...
- What are you doing?

You pulled too hard.

You use the net!

Shit!

Sorry. Um...

Sorry.

However,

there is a silver lining.
If only a small one.

It seemed that as a
tax avoidance strategy,

the Penrose hotel had been placed

in Miss Benelli's name.

Several years ago.

As such, it's not part of the estate.

Congratulations, miss Benelli.

You own this hotel.

In fact you always have done.

I'm afraid, in situations like this,

It's my duty to inform the authorities

as to the extent of the irregularities.

I imagine they'll want
to talk to you, Mrs Vincent.

But I knew nothing about this!

I think in the end, Doddy said it best.

"To me this world is a wonderful place."

"I'm the happiest human
in the human race."

"I've got no silver
and I've got no gold,"

"But I've got happiness in my soul."

I never understood
what made Gina truly happy.

But the Penrose played a part in it.

Well, she's got it all now.

Maybe she's got what she deserves

but will she get her just deserts?

_ All this time and I owned it.

It's mine!

I had a life, I had a career,
and I just gave it all up.

- We kissed each other.
- You kissed me!

You do realise Dr King's wedding
is still booked for this weekend?

Gina, I don't like you.

You are unbelievable!

Please, talk.

Please, don't do this.

I'm sorry, it's gone too far.

I'm her mother!

I'm not going to let her
get away with it.

It'll be our little secret.

No more secrets, okay?