Deep Fake Neighbour Wars (2023–…): Season 1, Episode 5 - Episode #1.5 - full transcript

NARRATOR: 'In the UK today
one in five people

'have a dispute
with their neighbour.'

I am working from home!

'These escalate...'
He threw the first one!

'..turning quiet cul-de-sacs...'
Shut up!

'..into war zones,
and Victorian terraces...'

These lights need to be taken down
this year!

'..into battle grounds.

'This is Deep Fake Neighbour Wars.

'The Isle of Wight,

'where youth worker Olivia Colman
and her husband Jay-Z,



'a mature student
and line dancing enthusiast,

'found their forever home

'and before long
had added to their family.'

We decided we had to have you,
didn't we, JJ?

Yup, that's right.
Absolutely.

And we called him Cabbage,
which was fun.

I love you, Cabbage. Hello.

Although there were other names
on the table,

I, myself, liked Derek.

But, er, we chose Cabbage cos
it was the best one, wasn't it?

Yeah, yeah... she right.

LAUGHS WEAKLY
You're right.

'But things soon
took a worrying turn,

'as Olivia noticed
Cabbage was rarely at home.'



Yes, I was really worried.

You see, I lost a cat as a child

and I was worried
it was happening all over again.

It was actually quite
a few nights a week of worry.

Yeah, Tuesdays and Wednesdays,
it's like clockwork.

Very strange, very strange.

'Concerned for Cabbage's safety,

'Olivia went out looking for him
one evening.'

Cabbage!
Cabbage!

I was walking up and down like this
and I was shouting his name,

"Cabbage! Cabbage!"

"Where are you, boy?"
"Cabbage?"

"Yo, C, come back, man."

And-And then I just hear,
a, "Ksk-ksk-ksk-ksk.

"Here, Gianni", and-and then
I peer over the fence and I,

and-and, ah...
and then I just see Cabbage

being tempted with treats
by our next door neighbour.

That's right.
NEIGHBOUR: Here, Gianni.

Yeah. He was coaxing the cat
mentally like, he was coerced.

I knew he was trying
to steal our cat.

Do you want a treat? Good boy.

It happens a lot in this area,
more often than you'd think.

NEIGHBOUR: There we are.

And that's attempted kidnap!

And we got him on camera.

Evidence, baby.

'But next door neighbour,

'estate agent
Tom Hiddleston,

'strenuously denies
committing any kind of crime.'

I was just being friendly to a cat.

I wasn't doing anything
legally wrong.

Then this hugely
passive aggressive woman

starts saying
I'm some kind of cat burglar.

She's ruining the neighbourhood,
crazy cat lady,

walking around shouting, "Cabbage!"

No wonder prices are plummeting.

'Coming up...

'The police get involved.'

Please, just stop this man
trying to steal my cat!

CSO SMITH:
All right, ma'am.

NARRATOR: 'From the troubling times

'in the secluded beauty
of the Isle of Wight,

'to the beauty of the Cotswolds -

'an idyllic haven
of peace and tranquillity.

'When Andy Murray
and his mum, Lorraine Kelly,

'relocated from Wimbledon
to this sleepy little village,

'they were blissfully unaware the
nightmare that was about to unfold.'

Andy had recently qualified
as a nurse

and I was so proud of him,
but the commute was quite long

so I decided we better move

just so Andy could be closer
to the hospital.

I'd had some good times
in Wimbledon,

but my mum was right,

as she always is.

'But there was trouble ahead
for Lorraine -

'an experienced tattoo artist -

'who had recently made the decision
to work from home full-time.'

Ooh, this is looking quite nice.
It's quite good that.

'And this created tension
with their neighbour

'who would like to keep
his identity a secret.'

Well, things started going
a wee bit backwards

when he applied
for planning permission

for a bloody massive window
that's overlooking my property.

As you can see, the proposed window
would look directly into that room

where Mum has her tattoo studio

and some of her clients
have to get their privates out...

..depending on where
the tattoos are on their body.

'Andy and his mum
objected to the plans

'on the grounds of privacy
and contacted the local council.'

We didnae want to make enemies
of him, but that windae

was an uncompromising
breach of our privacy.

'But as soon as Lorraine
submitted the objection,

'the peace and quiet
of their country life

'was suddenly shattered.'

COCKEREL CROWS

CALL ECHOES

Suddenly this cockerel appears
next door

waking us up at stupid o'clock.

Andy works nights as a nurse

and he couldn't get to sleep
after his night shift.

Because of the cockerel.

CROWS

I'm convinced
he got that cockerel to annoy us

just because that window
never got any planning permission.

He's always had chickens,
but the cockerel,

it was just non-stop
noise pollution,

so I wrote a polite note
asking if he would consider

keeping the cockerel
in the chicken house

for just an extra hour
in the morning.

Och aye, just so he could
get to sleep, the poor wee thing.

Next thing I know,
there's a knock at the door.

ANDY: I came out the door
and it was right there.

A box of eggs on the ground
and a note.

It said, "No, I will not
force my cock to have a lie in.

"I hope you continue to enjoy
the free eggs I've been giving you."

I couldn't believe it.

Didn't want him thinking
that we were in debt to him,

so I've returned HIS eggs
back to HIM,

putting them on HIS doorstep.

Let's see how HE likes it.
Yes.

Next day I'm leaving for work and...

there they are again.

He had returned them,
so I returned them back

straight onto his doorstep.

This went on for quite a while,
return egg, return egg, return egg,

return egg, return egg, etc.

'Coming up... a violent clash

'shatters the quiet calm
of the Cotswolds.'

ANDY: I came down the stairs to see
what my mum was shouting about

and she was lying right there...
absolutely covered in blood.

I've been attacked in the shins!

'Back on the Isle of Wight,
Olivia Colman and husband Jay-Z

'had evidence
that neighbour Tom Hiddleston

'was enticing their cat,

'and a chance encounter one day
confirmed the worst.'

Um, I'd seen Cabbage
go under this bush,

and, um, I was trying to get him out
and then suddenly I hear,

"Gianni, Gianni."

And I-I look around
and I see him, Hiddleston.

'That estate agent.'

And then Cabbage pops his head out

and he says,
"Oh, there you are, Gianni."

And I said,
"Ah, his name's Cabbage, actually,

"could you not call him Gianni
cos, um, he might get confused,"

and he... then he said
in a very patronising way,

"Don't worry about it, dear,
it's fine."

And I said,
"It's not fine...

"is it?
No."

'Things were escalating,

'but luckily
community support officer Will Smith

'was on patrol nearby.'

My job
as a community support officer

is to assess situations
as they arise,

um, ascertain what the dispute is,

and, if possible, resolve it.

Um, it doesn't always
work out that way

and things can get kind of violent,

but that's why we are equipped
with these little babies.

'And things almost did turn violent

'as this footage
from community support officer

'Will Smith's bodycam shows.'

No, no!
This is not OK, actually, um...

CSO SMITH: Is everything OK, ma'am?

No, it's not, actually, um,

this man is being
inappropriate with my cat.

Inappropriate?
That's a bit strong, dear,

it's not a peep show.

Sir, I'm gonna need you
to calm down!

I wasn't completely sure

if renaming a neighbour's cat
was a criminal offence as such.

Um, it's not the sort of thing

that they cover
at Hendon Police College.

Nothing's going on, OK?

I was just having a low key
friendly chat with my cat buddy.

Oh, he is not your cat buddy!
He's my cat buddy! Er, my cat!

Please just stop this man
trying to steal my cat!

All right, all right, ma'am,
all right, all right.

Is naming a cat illegal?

Can anyone tell me what law
I'm supposed to have broken?

'Convinced Tom's actions
were illegal,

'Olivia gathered
new shocking evidence.'

OLIVIA: 'Oh, Cabbage!

'What's he done to you?
Oh! That terrible man!'

Cabbage was somehow wearing
a tiny Versace sweater.

I couldn't believe
what I was seeing.

JAY-Z: And I looked 'em up online.

That stuff was expensive!
£140 easy,

and that's how we knew
he meant business.

For me, that was the last straw,
Cabbage in a sweater.

I knew I had to confront him.

OLIVIA: Um, would you
like to explain

why my cat has started wearing
designer clothes, Mr Hiddleston?

I don't know
what you're talking about, love.

I think you DO know
what I'm talking about, LOVE!

You're wearing the same jumper.

How could I be wearing
the same jumper as a cat?

I think you'll find
I'm quite a bit bigger than a cat.

Just BLOODY leave my BLOODY cat,
a-BLOODY-lone!

Oh, verbal abuse, how lovely.

What a lovely woman.

Have a lovely day.

'Coming up... the true nature
of Tom's relationship with Cabbage

'is exposed.'

He actually started
making money out of him,

like he's some sort of cash cat.

Not cool, man.

'And Lorraine
takes up a noisy hobby.'

VIOLIN SCREECHES

NARRATOR: 'Back in the Cotswolds,

'Andy Murray
and his mum Lorraine Kelly

'were at odds with
their next door neighbour

'over and acute case
of noise pollution...'

COCKEREL CROWS

'..and things
were about to get worse.'

Urgh, the cockerel was bad
and I'm not a morning person anyway,

but then the chickens started laying

and they make a hell of a noise

every time they're trying
to push out an egg.

Chickens actually make a noise
to alert the rest of the flock

that they've laid an egg...
Mm.

..so now we had
the cockerel noise...

COCKEREL CROWS

..and the chicken noise.

SQUAWKING

Horrendous.
Mm.

POULTRY PANDEMONIUM

Come on!

Poor wee Andy couldn't get to sleep,

so I recorded a clip
of the chicken noise

and put in the village
WhatsApp group

just to see if anyone else
was having any trouble.

Let's just say him next door
didn't take it very well.

He went ballbag mental.

Well, yeah, he did.

'The neighbour agreed to speak to us

'as long as we concealed
their identity.'

Damn right, I was mad.

I have never
had any complaints about my girls.

Nobody round here takes life
as BLEEP seriously

as the Murrays do.

Ever since
the issue with the window

and the planning permission,
they changed,

dragging my name through the mud
on the village group chat.

I told her, check your lipstick
before you come for me, Lorraine.

'Angered by Lorraine's complaints,

'the chicken-loving neighbour

'uploaded his own post
to the village group chat.'

NEIGHBOUR ON RECORDING:
'You cannot choose when a cockerel

'does and does not make a noise.

'That's just not how it works
in the countryside,

'I'm afraid, Lorraine.

'I take your accusations
very seriously

'and as a personal attack
on my girls, who I have rescued.

'Check your lipstick
before you come for me, Lorraine!'

Neither of us wear lipstick, so...

'The neighbour refuted all
allegations of noise pollution

'and invited us over
to meet his girls.'

These are my rescue chickens.

They bring me so much pleasure.

That's Lydia, Lydia Tupperware,
and that's Sue Narmy

and over there that's Anne,
Anne Ziety.

Ha-ha! My girls!

REPORTER: So why did you decide
to get a cockerel?

Three words - re-pro-duction.

Can I get a Amen?

'With the noise issue
seemingly settled,

'the neighbourly conflict
took an unexpected turn -

'the neighbour's cockerel
turned violent.'

LORRAINE: Right, so I was in between
clients outside on my wee vape break

and I look and I see his cockerel
in my garden

scratching at my fuchsias!

So I tried to shoo the thing away
and it came straight at me

round the corner, all fluffed up,
started attacking my legs.

It was quite sore actually,
so I run to the house and I shout...

"I've been attacked in the shins!

"I've been attacked in the shins!"

"I've been attacked..."

Like that.

'Lorraine sustained
multiple puncture wounds

'from the cockerel attack,

'which had drawn blood
on her shins and left calf

'almost ruining
her favourite tattoo.'

I came down the stairs to see
what my mum was shouting about

and she was lying right there...
absolutely covered in blood.

It was like a scene from a film.

'Coming up...

'Lorraine's new hobby
hits a bum note with her neighbour.'

'From the cock-a-doodle-dos
of the Cotswolds,

'all the way back
to the Isle of Wight,

'where Olivia Colman
and her husband Jay-Z

'were determined
to get to the bottom

'of their cat's sudden interest
in fashion.'

I fitted a tiny hidden camera
to Cabbage's collar

so I could see inside Tom's house

and find out
exactly what was going on.

Tiny camera...

like, this big.

Technology, incredible.

Yes.

'We have finally uncovered
Tom's shady secret.'

Got him!
Yes.

'Tom had been getting Cabbage

'to model clothes
for an Instagram account

'under the name of Gianni Purrsace.

And he had several
lucrative paid partnerships.

It was like he was pimping out
our baby, babe.

I was bloody angry.

This twisted, manipulative person

had changed my cat's name,

dressed him up
in ridiculous clothes,

and put him on the internet!

And then he's making...

He's actually
making money out of him,

like he's some CASH CAT!

Ex-Excuse me.

We was thinking, like,
who is this guy?

The God of Mischief or something?
Yes.

I think the photos
speak for themselves -

he was having a great time.

So what if I'm making a couple of
extra quid in my own house,

is that a crime? Hm?

Cos if it is, then I'm guilty.

Lock me up
and throw away the key.

Well, now there was a potential
legal issue at play

because he was making
money from a cat

he didn't legally own, um,
eh, you know, messy business.

So I suggested
that he get a different cat.

'Tom Hiddleston
agreed to give the £89

'he profited from Cabbage
on social media

'to a cat orphan charity.
And the Gianni Purrsace account

'has been taken down,
permanently.'

It was such a relief when
it was over, wasn't it, Cab-Cab?

I was so chuffed. And we had
a takeaway to celebrate...

Yes!
..and I bought Olivia a gift.

Yeah, it's a special zapper collar
for Cabbage.

We decided he had to be a house cat
from now on, and that was that.

Yeah.
We thought it was for the best.

We had a hundred problems
but at least there's one less.

Yes.
Uh-huh.

'Since filming ended,
Olivia, Jay and Cabbage

'have put their
neighbourly nightmare behind them.

'Will Smith
has been promoted to CID,

'specialising
in conflict management.

'And Tom Hiddleston
has also moved on.'

I think a Gianni only comes along
once in a lifetime.

I suppose he was like
the David Gandhi of cats.

But he's gone now,
so I've upgraded.

Come on, Thor, just behave,
all right.

Thor! Stop it.
Come on, Thor.

Thor, stay on the...
No, Thor, let's not do...

Behave for the camera, please,
come on.

No, we didn't do that before,
did we? No.

'Back in the Cotswolds,
tattoo artist Lorraine Kelly

'was still processing
the poultry attack

'which had left puncture wounds

'on her lower left leg.

'Whilst her son Andy Murray

'looked into a possible solution
to the trespassing chickens.'

I researched the ins and outs
of keeping chickens

and some people clip their wings
to keep them from wandering off.

And in my case trespassing
and attacking people!

Chickens don't even feel it
in their wings.

It's like you
cutting your toenails.

Some chicks can jump really high
if you don't clip their wings.

Occasionally, they may wander
into other neighbours' gardens,

but it is extremely rare.

Far too rare to warrant clipping
an innocent creature's wings.

Especially after everything
my girls have been through.

But when I told her my
ladies' wings were staying put,

ooh, honey!

'As the conflict escalated,

'a new form of noise pollution
entered the arena.'

So I was stepping into the garden
to feed the girls

and then there's this noise.

I look up
and I see Lorraine in the window!

VIOLIN SCREECHES

Ooh, did he not like the noise (?)

I was simply learning
to play an instrument.

Mum was considering the bagpipes,

but I managed to talk her down.

Didn't want us falling out
with the entire street.

Congratulations, Lorraine,
you are the winner...

..of the most challenging
neighbour award. Ha-ha!

'Lorraine and Andy

'remain at loggerheads with
their neighbour over the chickens.

'Lorraine continues
to practise her violin

'whilst the neighbour has added
a further eight rescue birds

'to his flock.'

OK, hens, start your laying.

'Next time on
Deep Fake Neighbour Wars...

'a broken tile creates tension
between Harry Kane and Stormzy.'

This is only two weeks' worth
of messages from Harry Kane.

'And mechanic Simon Cowell
has Tyson Fury living in fear.'

There ain't a man born to his mother

whose arsehole wouldn't go
in that situation.

And my arsehole went.