Decline and Fall (2017): Season 1, Episode 1 - King's Thursday - full transcript
Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it - foodval.com
---
- Oh, dear.
- Mm...
Did I imagine it?
No.
I've found his Christening port!
Amazing year.
- There'll be some fines tonight. - Mm!
I thought I might go to St Magnus's church
at Little Beckley tomorrow.
Would you like to do
some rubbings with me?
I gather there are some
fascinating brasses.
Since the majority of my adult
life will be spent in churches,
I think I may stay in town tomorrow.
I'll do some rubbings for you.
OI!
Let's go smash up Lord Rending's room.
Do you think it would be wise
if we turned out the light?
There must be 30 of them at least.
Fined £10 each, that's £300!
It'll be more if they attack the chapel.
Please, God, let them attack the chapel.
.. any stragglers?
Right, is every...? Hello, hello.
Excuse me.
Are you a Bolly?
Ah, ah, ah...
They've caught someone.
Oh. Who is it?
I can't see. He's underneath them all.
I hope they don't do him any serious harm.
Make sure you get...
Dear me. I do hope it's not Lord Rending.
Oh, no. Oh...
- Oh, thank goodness.
- Hm.
It's someone of no importance.
BOLLY! BOLLY! BOLLY!
Forgive me, Father.
He ran the whole length of the
quadrangle without his trousers?
Yes, Master.
Oh, that is not the conduct
we expect of a scholar.
Should we, um, fine him heavily, Master?
I very much doubt he can pay.
I understand he is not well-off.
He's reading for the church.
- Is that right?
- Theology.
Without his trousers, indeed.
I'm afraid Pennyfeather
is the sort of young man
who does the college no good at all.
It may be best if we get
rid of him all together.
Hmm.
The fines last night totalled £340.
We shall have Founder's port for
five nights in the common room.
A rare treat.
Sorry, Pa.
My keys, Blacknall.
I don't suppose I shall see you again.
I don't suppose so, sir.
You know, I was upset to
hear what's happened to you.
Thank you. I was looking
forward to my life as a priest.
What do you intend to do instead?
I really don't know.
Well, I expect you'll want
to become a schoolmaster, sir.
That's what most of the gentlemen does
that get sent down for indecent behaviour.
Goodbye, Blacknall.
Cheerio, sir.
Sent down for indecent behaviour, eh?
We call that sort of thing --
"education discontinued
for personal reasons."
- Mr Samson?
- Yes, sir.
Do we have we any education
discontinued posts at hand?
Looking now, sir.
And you have no right to your
father's money until you are 21?
None whatsoever. My
guardian assured me of it.
Is that what your father would
have wanted, do you think?
I don't know.
- He died when I was younger, so
I never really knew him. - Oh.
Ah. Here we are.
Ah, yes.
Dr Augustus Fagan, Llanabba School,
requires a junior assistant
master immediately,
to teach Classics, English,
Mathematics, French, German.
Experience essential...
And first-class games -- especially
cricket -- also essential.
Salary, £120.
Might have been made for you.
But I have no teaching experience.
And I can't play cricket.
Oh, it doesn't pay to be too be modest.
But I don't speak German.
It is wonderful what one
can achieve if one tries.
Between ourselves, Llanabba hasn't
a very good name in the profession.
We class our schools into four
grades here -- leading schools,
first-rate schools, good
schools, and schools.
The status of this school is... school.
And school is pretty bad.
Dr Fagan can hardly expect all those
things for the salary he's offering.
Das ware lacherlich... Ja?
Ja.
Oh, well, I think you'll
find it very suitable.
And Wales isn't as bad as people say.
Guten luck!
- Here you are.
- Thank you.
Er, do you know...?
Hello. I'm Paul Pennyfeather.
I've come here as a master.
Hm!
I know all about you.
Follow me.
This is the common room.
Wait here, please.
Come in here, you.
- Yes, Captain Grimes.
- Hello.
Hello, there.
What do you mean by whistling
when I told you to stop?
- All the other boys were whistling, sir.
- What's that got to do with it?
I'd have thought that had
everything to do with it, sir.
Well, you'd be wrong, you disruptive oik.
Do me 100 lines, and remember,
next time I'll beat you.
With this.
Now, go on.
There's no discipline in this place.
Headmaster will see you now.
I shall not ask the details
about why you were "sent down".
I've been in the scholastic
profession long enough to know
that nobody enters it unless
he has some very good reasons
he is anxious to conceal.
I'm keen to find something that
I can stick at. A vocation.
I hope that being a
schoolmaster may be it.
Don't let Daddy overwork you.
You know what scholars
can be like -- inhuman.
Nonsense.
I'm grateful for the little
detachment I've achieved
as a headmaster.
This creature is my daughter, Florence.
How do you do?
Pleased to meet you. I'm
expecting to work hard...
Your predecessor was a
thoroughly agreeable young man.
But he used to borrow
money off the boys --
quite large sums, as it turns out.
So I had to get rid of
him, but it was a shame --
he had tone.
Ah, this is my other daughter.
Diana, this is Paul
Pennyfeather, the new master.
Pleased to meet you.
Don't listen to whatever
Florence has just told you.
- Do your own thing. - Shut up,
Dingy. - Would you like tea?
Yes, please.
I hope you brought some soap
with you. And boot polish.
And pens and paper for writing.
I'm afraid I didn't.
Oh, Father, I asked you to tell him
that masters are not
supplied with those luxuries.
Well, it... slipped my mind.
- Do you take sugar?
- Yes.
Did you bring any?
No. I-I can get some. Thank you.
I've put you in charge of the fifth form.
You'll find them delightful
boys -- quite delightful.
I've also put you in charge of
games, carpentry and the fire drill.
The fire escape is very
dangerous and never to be used.
Even in an emergency. Do you teach music?
II'm afraid not sir.
But Mr Levy assured me that you
did and I've arranged for you
to take Beste-Chetwynde in
organ lessons twice a week.
Well, you must do the best you can.
There's the bell.
Da klingelt die Schulglocke?
- Gut.
- I'll take you up.
Pleased to meet you.
He seems better than the usual.
I give him a week.
This is the fifth form.
I don't like to go in if I can avoid it.
So I'll let you introduce yourself.
But not a word to the boys, please,
about your reasons for leaving Oxford.
We schoolmasters must temper
discretion with deceit.
Well, I imagine I've said
something for you to ponder.
- Good morning, sir.
- Good morning.
- Good morning, sir.
- Good morning.
Good morning, sir.
That's enough good mornings.
Good morning to you all.
Good morning, sir.
Well, I suppose the first thing we
should do is clear up your names.
- What's your name?
- Tangent, sir.
- Very good. And yours?
- Tangent, sir.
You can't both be called Tangent.
We are, sir.
No, sir, they are not called
Tangent -- I'm Tangent.
No, sir, I'm Tangent. I really am.
There is only one Tangent in
the room, sir -- and that's me.
He's not Tangent, sir...
Quiet, please.
Tangents!
Stop, please!
Right, we'll sort out your names later.
Now, until recently I was
studying for the church,
so today we are going to learn about the
growth and spread... of Christianity...
.. during the Roman period of time.
That will be interesting, won't it?
Yes...? Tangent?
What's your name, sir?
My name...?
My name is Mr...
My name is Mr....
Come on.
Sir. There's more chalk
in the desk drawer, sir.
My name is Mr...
It's a simple question,
sir -- what's your name?
My name is Mr...
My name is Mr Pennyfeather.
- "Mr Fanny feather."
- "Mr Runny weather."
Stop laughing! It is not an amusing name.
Quiet. Quiet, please!
> Wait for me...
Hello.
I suppose you must be the new master.
Hello. Yes. I'm Mr Pennyfeather.
They call me Prendy.
Glass of port?
It's 10.30...
Beer, then?
You'll hate it here. I do.
I've been here ten years.
Grimes only came this term,
but he hates it already.
Filthy meal, isn't it? Pub after dinner?
- Um...
- Good chap.
Poor old Prendy, the boys
give him such a hard time.
It's because of his wig.
It's very difficult to retain
authority if people know
you're wearing a wig.
I've got a false leg -- but that's
different. People respect it.
They think I lost it during the war.
You didn't lose it during the war?
No. I lost it in a tram
accident in Stoke-on-Trent.
Drink had been taken! Ha-ha.
Have you met Miss Fagan yet?
The headmaster's daughter?
I've met two of them. Yes.
Yeah? They're both bitches.
I'm engaged to be married to Flossie.
Not the male-looking one, the haybag.
They're both fairly masculine.
Yeah. We haven't announced it yet,
so keep it to yourself. Nobody knows.
- I might not go through with it.
- Right. No.
Chop chop! I'm thirsty!
How are you finding your mob?
Oh. Um...
I tried to impart some knowledge I
have on the Romans to them today...
I shouldn't try to teach
them anything. You're new.
Just keep them quiet. And
beat them if they're not.
Beat them, beat them,
beat them, beat them.
That's how I won their admiration.
Although I don't think by nature I
was meant to be a schoolteacher.
Why not?
Because of my, er, "temperament".
At each school, I get in the soup.
And then I get fired.
Right.
And is it hard to get another
job -- once you've been...
"in the soup"?
There are ways. I'm a
public-school man, you see.
That means everything.
There's a blessed equity in
the public-school system that
ensures one against starvation.
Not that I survived five
years at school, of course.
I was expelled.
For something I did.
Then war broke out.
You're too young to have
been in the war, of course.
Yes. How was the war for you?
Brief. They were going to court
- martial me. For something I did.
Firing squad. One chap put a
revolver in my hand and suggested I
"do the decent thing". Well, I
didn't fancy shooting myself.
I thought, "If someone's
going to shoot me,
"they can bloody well do it themselves."
It was a bit hairy for a moment,
but thankfully the colonel turned
out to be a public-school chap.
He thought there was no way they
should be shooting an Old Harrovian.
So they got me a job in Ireland
for the rest of the war.
As a postman. It was wonderful.
You can't get in the soup
in Ireland, whatever you do.
Captain Grimes... Pennyfeather...
I've been talking to the
stationmaster, there --
and if either of you fancy
a woman tonight, he's, er,
offering up his sister...
Certainly not, Philbrick.
All right. Just offering.
Damn cheek of the man.
Women are a bit of an enigma to Grimes.
Let's have whiskies with these.
Oh, I-I probably shouldn't.
You-you probably should!
Cheerio!
Good morning, sir, I just thought
I'd come and let you know
that there is only one
bathroom for masters.
So, if you want to get to
it before Mr Prendergast,
you ought to go now.
- Everybody up...
- Thank you...
Rise and shine...
Sorry, who are you?
Please don't say you're called Tangent.
I'm Beste-Chetwynde, sir.
I think you're teaching
me the organ this morning.
Oh -- yes.
Well, are you terribly good?
Erm...
Did you go to the pub last night, sir?
Oh, no, no.
I expect you're wondering
how I came to be here.
If things had worked out
differently, I'd still be
a rector in Worthing, my own house
and a church and a congregation.
It was all very pleasant... at first.
Until my doubts began...
Were they as bad as all that?
They were insufferable.
And they arrived very suddenly one day,
while I was having tea with
some friends of my mother.
I suddenly realised...
.. that I couldn't understand...
.. why God had made the world.
At all.
No, I mean...
I could understand that once
you're granted the first step,
everything else follows.
Incarnation. Resurrection. Church.
Bishops. Incense. Jumble sale.
But why did God begin it
all in the first place?
The Bishop thought it was
a phase that would pass.
It didn't pass.
Eventually I had to resign my living.
That's terrible.
Do I smell of drink?
A little.
Comes of having no breakfast. May I?
Has Prendy been telling
you about his doubts?
I have, actually.
It's a funny thing, I
can't quite explain it,
but I've always felt that one
can't be unhappy for long,
providing one does whatever one wants.
That's a good philosophy.
I must say that I... I find
the boys utterly intractable.
Do you?
My wig may have something to do with it.
Have you noticed that I... I wear a wig?
- No. I didn't. Do you?
- I told you he does.
It was a great mistake ever getting one.
The boys make all sorts of jokes.
Well, I suppose they'd just laugh
at something else if it wasn't that.
Yes. Perhaps it's good to localise
the target of their ridicule.
It's all very well for you
-- the boys admire you.
Losing your leg at Gallipoli,
capturing that enemy machine gun.
I can't get my chalk to work on the board.
Yeah, that's because the
little turds put varnish on it.
Beat any boy you see doing that.
Well, we must go and face
the mutinous beasts again.
Perhaps one day I'll see the
light and go back to ministry.
Here you are. You'll want this.
Right, listen up, boys.
I want you to write an essay for
me, in silence, on self-indulgence.
There will be a prize
for the longest essay,
irrespective of any possible merit.
'My dear Potts,
'the boys finally seem
to be tolerating me,
'which is some improvement.
'But I still miss Oxford terribly.
'Thank you for sending
me your rubbings from
'St Magnus's at Little Beckley.
I wish I had been with you...'
Mr Potts, erm, do you,
erm, do you have a moment?
Certainly.
I have some friends who live
in London who are working for
a new organisation and they're
very interested in meeting you.
What have you heard about the,
erm... The League of Nations?
How beautiful.
Isn't he?
Why hasn't there been a
sports day for three years?
Yes, Pennyfeather.
Perhaps I will go and find
him now. See you later.
See you later.
Beste-Chetwynde?
Where's your mother from?
If you don't mind me asking?
Er, California. Her family are
originally from Ciudad Guayana.
It's just that I saw her
dropping you off after the exeat.
I've told her all about you.
Have you? Where is...
Ciudad Guayana? Venezuela.
Dad was from Winchester.
Was he? He "was"?
He died when I was nine.
My father also died when I was young.
I hope Mama falls in love again.
She's still so young and
beautiful and wonderful and she
deserves to be happy.
I don't much like the chap
she's currently seeing.
Have you ever been in
love, Mr Pennyfeather?
Er, no. Not yet.
Beste-Chetwynde...
Given the suddenly optimistic
weather forecast, I have decided
that the chief sporting event of the
year will take place... tomorrow.
The preliminary heats
will be run this afternoon.
Our new master, Mr Pennyfeather,
who, as you know, is a
distinguished athlete...
.. will be in charge
of all the arrangements.
The sports day always brings the
largest collection of parents
to the school -- so the whole
thing must go like a dream.
And certainly better
than last time. Diana....
Daddy.
Will you please be kind enough
to arrange tea in this marquee?
Foie gras sandwiches, and plenty
of cakes with sugar icing.
Florence, there must be banks of flowers.
It's rare that the scholarly hum of
the school gives way to the spirit
of festival, but when it does, taste
and dignity must be our watchwords.
Shall we get a Welsh band?
Very good idea.
- Fireworks?
- Marvellous!
A parents' race.
I read in the paper yesterday
that the Llanabba Silver Band came
third in the North Wales Eisteddfod.
Well spotted, Pennyfeather. You may
yet become an asset to this school.
Let's get on to them, please.
Old Mr Davis at the
station is the bandmaster.
Nonetheless, let's book them.
And, Pennyfeather, make
sure that the winners are
evenly distributed throughout the school.
Little Lord Tangent must win something.
Well, he's a donkey.
His mother's coming. And
so is Mrs Beste-Chetwynde.
Events must go well.
She is an important
woman. And very wealthy.
- She poisoned her husband.
- What?
Yeah, have you heard?
No.
- Powdered glass in his coffee.
- But it never came to court.
Right, Pennyfeather! Time for the heats!
Fall in. Well done, boys.
Tangent, is everyone here?
Erm, Clutterbuck is
crying behind that tree.
Never mind. What do we do now?
I deplore the whole business.
Can we please start, sir?
We're all getting rather cold.
Yes, quite right. Er...
What do you want to do?
Well, how about we divide up
into two heats and run a race?
Yes. That's the way I do it, too.
Right. Divide up into two teams.
The first race will be a mile.
Run round the castle and back.
Mr Prendergast will take
the names of the winners
for tomorrow's programme.
Where are you going?
To look for the hurdles.
On your marks. Get set. Go!
Go!
Oh, Philbrick? What are you doing?
I've been told to put up more
tents. Like a blinking Arab.
This is not what I was made for.
I'm looking for the hurdles.
Oh, they got burned for firewood.
I'll have to order some more.
I suspect you're wondering
how I came to be here.
At this school.
Not really.
Then I'll tell you. It's
a love story, really.
You ever heard of Toby
Crutwell? From Camberwell?
Me and Toby used to work together.
We did the Buller diamond robbery and the
1912 Amalgamated Steel Trust Robbery.
What?!
After the war, I settled down
running The Lamb & Flag in Camberwell.
I ain't seen Toby in seven year.
There was a rumour he
became a Conservative MP.
But last year, he came into
the pub, out the blue...
.. and suggested we get
into a bit of nobbling.
Nobbling?
- Kidnapping.
- Kidnapping?
Sh! Rich people's kids.
Toby had his eye on Lord Utteridge's son.
- The sick degenerate.
- Yes... sick degenerate.
- Oh, you know the boy?
- No, I meant...
Hm, horrible little toad.
Anyway, I needed the dough.
So I said, "Yeah, count me
in." What harm could it do?
Hey? We weren't going to hurt the
kid. Just threaten him a bit.
You know.
So we took the boy, and we wrote
to daddy -- pay up or else...
Guess what happened? Dad refused to pay.
Said he was delighted to
have the boy off his hands.
His happiness was now complete.
So we thought we'd give it another go.
Only this time, find some
wealthy widow toff mother,
so we didn't have to deal with the father.
Toby read about Lady Circumference --
and her only son...
.. Lord Tangent.
That's why you're here?
To kidnap Lord Tangent?
Good God. Why have you told me this?
Don't worry, ain't to happen now.
All right, Prendy. How's it going?
Not well. None of them come back.
It's discouraging launching
heat after heat and then none of
them come back.
It's... It's like sending
troops into battle.
I suspect they've gone to get changed.
Well, it is rather, erm, rather damp.
Do you think we could go and
change now? I'd like that.
- How did the heats go?
- Oh, there weren't any.
Oh, very wise of you.
The old boy wants the results
off to the printers, so come on,
help me decide the winners.
I've learned it's always the
best when these things are
worked out over the fire.
Who did well, would you say?
Um... Clutterbuck did well.
He's a fine athlete, yeah.
Which heat did he win?
The three-mile?
- Why not?
- Well done, Clutterbuck.
Hello.
Hello.
Pennyfeather, fancy a
jaunt to Mrs Roberts?
Swifty, before the events get going?
Well, the parents are
here now, so... Hello.
Quite right. I'll see you later, then.
Oh, here comes Prendy in
his coat of many colours.
He looks like an ice cream.
Prendy, swifty?
- See you later, old chap.
- Shouldn't you stay and help?
You're doing so well on your own.
Hello.
You promised me sunshine, Pennyfeather!
Never mind.
This sports day is already going
better than the previous one.
Well, the marquee is still standing
and none of the children have
been mauled by a dog.
That's good.
Now, look, there's a limited
amount of champagne today,
so please make sure that it goes
to the parents and not the masters.
Try to prevent the masters
from pushing forward.
I'll try.
Oh, have you marked out the
finish line with paint?
I think Captain Grimes was doing that.
Well, he HASN'T done it.
That's one for you, please.
And can we get the prizes
arranged on the table?
The prize table needs to
look casual but considered.
I think Mr Prendergast was taking...
- Yes, but...
- I'll do it.
Good.
The hurdles have arrived, sir.
Not sure they're what you were expecting.
Could a boy jump that?
Perhaps we should replace the
hurdles with a different event.
The greasy pole?
Throwing things into little hoops?
The hammer?
I'm not entirely sure what that
is -- but presumably you just need
a hammer. And then you throw it.
Well done, Pennyfeather. I'll
leave the details to you.
I am more concerned about the style
of the day than the actual events.
For instance, I wish we
had a starting pistol.
The very thing!
Why have you got that?
Oh, I carry it all the time.
Careful with it, though, sir.
Point it towards the ground
when you're firing it.
Yes. Yes, of cour...
Who are these
extraordinary-looking people?
Stick with me...
Oh, it's Mr Davis, the stationmaster.
Hello.
We are the silver band, The
Lord Bless And Keep You,
the band that no-one could
beat whatever but two indeed in
the Eisteddfod that for the whole
of North Wales was, look you.
Right, go into your little tent.
And you must on no account
talk to any of the parents.
Or be seen.
To march about would you like us not?
Certainly not. Stay in your tent.
Play your music.
We'll pay you £3, as agreed.
£3 it is,
but nothing whatever without the
money first can we look to play.
Here.
It is £3! My boys -- to the tent.
£3? How about I give them a clout, sir?
No, please. Do not anger the Welsh.
We don't want to become
unpopular in the village.
Do you have any Welsh blood?
- No.
- Good.
I do truly believe that the
Welsh are the only nation in the
world that has produced
nothing of any worth.
They produce no painting or sculpture,
no architecture or drama of any kind.
They just sing.
Good Lord, Lady Circumference is here.
Come with me!
Lady Circumference, how
wonderful to see you.
Oh, I've just been chaffing your
daughter, here, about her frock.
I love a riot of colour.
Allow me to introduce you
to our fine new master,
Mr Pennyfeather.
Sharp of mind, swift of
foot. With excellent German.
How do you do?
Lady Circumference is Little
Lord Tangent's mother.
How's he doing?
Yes, very well.
Nonsense. He's a dunderhead.
He needs kicking and beating.
I'll keep a close eye
on him. We all should!
Are you looking forward to the sports?
Not really. How do you find these events?
I think they're good for the boys.
Do you? Why?
In case there's another war?
Another war?
I told you he was clever.
Who do you think will
be our enemy this time?
- America.
- America? I hope not.
We had German prisoners on my
land last time. That was fine.
But if they start putting Americans
on my land, I shall refuse it.
Set out the prizes, please, Pennyfeather.
Is that the start or the finish, old chap?
Both. I see you two have had a few.
Clutterbuck, is that box
big enough to fit a boy in?
A small one.
Tangent?
Maybe. Do you want to try to?
Actually, where is Tangent?
Have you seen Tangent?
Captain Grimes, take over.
Philbrick, I know what your game is.
Eh?
That box. Just big enough
for a boy, isn't it?
Don't be ridiculous. I
told you. That job's off.
Tangent?
This stuff's for the hammer throw.
Tangent!
Oh...
I came here to kidnap Lord Tangent.
But that was a year ago.
The moment I got here
and I met Miss Diana,
the headmaster's daughter,
well, everything changed.
My heart stopped.
That woman could lift a man
from the depths of hell.
Dingy?
Beauty's not just skin
deep, Mr Pennyfeather?
- No, no, it isn't. - No, it's
not. I told you, it's a love story.
You ever been in love, Mr Pennyfeather?
Pennyfeather! Pennyfeather!
Start them racing, please!
Boys! Form up! The first
race is about to begin!
The under-16s' 12 furlong.
Erm, the course goes as follows.
Down here. Through the woods.
Round the castle. Past that elm tree.
Cedar tree!
Cedar tree. Six laps.
Captain Grimes is the timekeeper.
I... keep... the time.
Mr Prendergast, the starter.
On your marks...
Tangent!
- Oh, Dingy...
- Are you all right?
.. go and give that boy some cake.
- Yes, Daddy.
- Lady Circumference, I am so sorry...
Not to worry. I'm sure he'll recover.
But perhaps someone should
remove the pistol from that man,
before he does anything serious.
Yes, it's very unfortunate.
Mrs Beste-Chetwynde is arriving.
Mrs Beasty Bee is arriving.
Oh, dear Mrs Beste-Chetwynde.
Oh, dear Dr Fagan.
I hope you don't mind me
bringing my friend, Chokey.
- He's just crazy about sport.
- Oh, I sure am.
Oh, no...
Shall we?
- At the moment the boys are
running the 12-furlong race. - Oh.
Six laps round the castle.
Oh, lovely.
Er, Lady Circumference,
allow me to introduce you
to Mrs Beste-Chetwynde and her... friend.
- Hello. How do you do?
- How do you do?
How's your boy doing?
- He's been injured in the foot.
- Oh, dear. Not badly, I hope?
He was shot by one of the masters.
It's kind of you to enquire.
I was talking to that master.
He kept going on about
a church in Worthing.
I wondered if he wasn't
quite all right in the head.
Well, the children adore him.
Oh, here they come!!
Come on, darling!
- Well done, darling!!
- Oh, that's the stuff!
Oh! That boy cheated.
He only went round the castle
five times. I was counting.
How dare you say a thing like that?
I appeal to the referee.
Let's not have competitiveness
spoil sports day.
Beste-Chetwynde wins.
Nonsense.
He lagged behind and then joined
the others on the final lap.
You're making a very serious accusation.
I know a cheat when I see one.
How about we say that Beste-Chetwynde won
the ten-furlong race?
Yes! A very exacting distance.
But all the others were
running 12 furlongs.
And they came first, second, third,
fourth and fifth at that distance.
Wonderful. So many winners!
- Very well.
- Now it must be time for tea?
It's the hammer now.
We will enjoy that spectacle
while we have tea.
Yes, tea is served.
'Scuse me.
Pennyfeather, circulate, please.
Mingle. The tent seems to have
divided into two warring sides.
Give them sandwiches. I'll go and talk to
Mrs Beste-Chetwynde.
Mrs Beste-Chetwynde, it's such a
pity you've missed the hurdles.
Peter did very well.
Oh, it was such a shame
to have missed that.
We had the slowest journey up.
Stopping at all the churches.
Chokey loves an old church,
don't you, darling?
Oh, I sure do.
You know, when I saw
Bath & Wells Cathedral,
you know, my heart rose
up and sang within me.
It is a nice building.
You folk think that because
we're coloured, we don't care
for nothing but jazz.
Not at all.
But my race is essentially
an artistic race...
Oh, you should hear him play.
.. with a love of song and colour.
What he can do with a trombone.
You white folk despise the coloured man.
You think he doesn't have a soul.
Not at all.
But don't the coloured man
breathe the air same as you?
- He do. - Don't he eat
and drink same as you?
He do. He do. So, please, have a sandwich.
Where's Pennyfeather?
Pennyfeather!
You really mustn't be discouraged.
We're amongst friends here.
Well, I just want to say, I think...
Can I interest you in
a foie gras sandwich?
Oh, yes. Thank you.
I'd give up all of jazz for
one stone in your cathedrals.
Chokey thinks religion is
divine. Are you a master here?
Yes.
Do you teach my boy?
He do.
Mr Pennyfeather is our newest master
and a fine addition to the school.
Oh, you're Mr Pennyfeather.
His ability at music and foreign
languages has surprised us all.
Do you like England's cathedrals, sir?
I like York Minster at lot.
I could eat you up!
Come for a walk with me, Mr Pennyfeather.
Tell me more about my son's education.
Oh, Chokey, why don't you
talk to Lady Circumference?
Ask her about her turnip crop.
Thank you.
Have you been in England long?
Ah, yes. I was born here.
Oh, how divine.
Have you lived here long? I
gather you're from America?
I am, I moved here 16 years
ago, when I married Henry,
God rest his soul.
Oh, I'm sorry if I seem tense.
Chokey and I had a fight
about architecture.
Oh, dear... He seems charming.
Initially, I was very excited by him,
but I'm getting rather bored of him now.
His endless jazz and earnestness.
Yes, jazz can be rather testing, can't it?
Oh, I love jazz.
Testing in a good way. I love it, too.
Prendergast, will you please go
and tell the Welsh to go home!
You know, when Peter's
written home recently,
I've noticed a startling
improvement in his spelling.
Can I credit you for that?
Yes, I suppose so. It is a pleasure
teaching the intelligent children.
Oh, I'm terribly keen on
the boy to go to Oxford.
But I can't help thinking his
current abilities will prevent that.
It is a challenging entrance
exam. I remember mine well.
Oh, we need a master at
home, for private tuition.
I want someone young and clever
at home -- and you've revealed
yourself to be both those things.
Would you be interested in
spending the summer with us?
I have a place on Park Lane
and a place in Hampshire.
The place in Hampshire
is called King's Thursday.
Captain Grimes!
It was built in 1553, so
it's hopeless, nothing works.
Well, I'm tearing it down and I'm
building something clean, modern,
square, instead.
Does that sound too terribly boring?
- No. No.
- Pennyfeather!
Can I have a word, old chap?
- Would you give me one moment?
- Uh-hm.
Oh, dear, I fear I'm in the soup again.
Oh. I see.
One moment's indiscretion and
my whole career's in doubt.
If I get fired as a teacher,
there really is nothing else
one can resort to.
Well, why don't you talk to Dr Fagan?
Or one of his daughters?
Flossie? Of course... That's
how I can save myself.
You're brilliant, Pennyfeather.
- Am I?
- Well done.
Flossie!
I'll pay you, of course, for the tutoring.
Shall we say £5 a week?
Oh, and you can come to
all my summer parties.
And borrow the motorcar. And the horses.
Oh, does any of this
sound appealing, at all?
Well, I think it's time for us to leave.
Thank goodness that's
over for another year.
And poor old Tangent's foot has
all swollen up and gone black.
I think I may have to find
myself some other profession.
Has Dr Fagan gone in?
Yes.
I think I may have earned myself
a reprieve with the good doctor.
Oh, well done. What did you do?
I have done the only thing I could...
I've told Flossie we're going
to announce our engagement.
Oh, congratulations.
It was Paul's idea.
Was it? Right. Well, yes...
Congratulations. I'm sure she's delighted.
Oh, she's as pleased as
hell and damn her nasty eyes.
Well, I expect everything
will be all right in the end.
I'm sure. Why wouldn't it be?
Well, between us...
I haven't told you this
before -- I'm already married.
Anyway, once Fagan knows I'm
going to marry his daughter,
I'm sure that'll get me out the soup.
Come on, Prendy. Back to the daily grind.
You're on prep duty.
Oh, good. I intend to cane
every single boy tonight.
Yes, good show.
Hm, do you really think
Mrs Beste-Chetwynde murdered her husband?
- Probably. Why do you ask?
- Oh, no reason.
Oh-oh-oh. I see.
- What?
- Oh, dear.
- What?
- You're in love.
Oh, don't be ridiculous.
You're in love.
Yes. Smitten.
- Not at all.
- The temper -- passion...
She's simply asked me to tutor the boy.
Cupid's done it a dance.
No.
Spring fancies. Love's young dream.
Not even a quickening of the pulse?
Certainly not
♪ A sweet despair... ♪
Oh, do be quiet!
♪ A trembling hope
♪ A frisson, a je ne sais quoi... ♪
Nothing of the sort.
Liar.
Sir, have you seen Captain Grimes?
Apparently, he didn't
come home last night.
He's probably just passed
out in a ditch somewhere.
You're going to Margot's
place for summer...
You can come and work for me!
We provide girls for
places of entertainment.
- Pottsy. - I'd heard you'd
had to become a... teacher.
I'm giving that up, now
that I have met Margot,
the most wonderful woman in the world.
---
- Oh, dear.
- Mm...
Did I imagine it?
No.
I've found his Christening port!
Amazing year.
- There'll be some fines tonight. - Mm!
I thought I might go to St Magnus's church
at Little Beckley tomorrow.
Would you like to do
some rubbings with me?
I gather there are some
fascinating brasses.
Since the majority of my adult
life will be spent in churches,
I think I may stay in town tomorrow.
I'll do some rubbings for you.
OI!
Let's go smash up Lord Rending's room.
Do you think it would be wise
if we turned out the light?
There must be 30 of them at least.
Fined £10 each, that's £300!
It'll be more if they attack the chapel.
Please, God, let them attack the chapel.
.. any stragglers?
Right, is every...? Hello, hello.
Excuse me.
Are you a Bolly?
Ah, ah, ah...
They've caught someone.
Oh. Who is it?
I can't see. He's underneath them all.
I hope they don't do him any serious harm.
Make sure you get...
Dear me. I do hope it's not Lord Rending.
Oh, no. Oh...
- Oh, thank goodness.
- Hm.
It's someone of no importance.
BOLLY! BOLLY! BOLLY!
Forgive me, Father.
He ran the whole length of the
quadrangle without his trousers?
Yes, Master.
Oh, that is not the conduct
we expect of a scholar.
Should we, um, fine him heavily, Master?
I very much doubt he can pay.
I understand he is not well-off.
He's reading for the church.
- Is that right?
- Theology.
Without his trousers, indeed.
I'm afraid Pennyfeather
is the sort of young man
who does the college no good at all.
It may be best if we get
rid of him all together.
Hmm.
The fines last night totalled £340.
We shall have Founder's port for
five nights in the common room.
A rare treat.
Sorry, Pa.
My keys, Blacknall.
I don't suppose I shall see you again.
I don't suppose so, sir.
You know, I was upset to
hear what's happened to you.
Thank you. I was looking
forward to my life as a priest.
What do you intend to do instead?
I really don't know.
Well, I expect you'll want
to become a schoolmaster, sir.
That's what most of the gentlemen does
that get sent down for indecent behaviour.
Goodbye, Blacknall.
Cheerio, sir.
Sent down for indecent behaviour, eh?
We call that sort of thing --
"education discontinued
for personal reasons."
- Mr Samson?
- Yes, sir.
Do we have we any education
discontinued posts at hand?
Looking now, sir.
And you have no right to your
father's money until you are 21?
None whatsoever. My
guardian assured me of it.
Is that what your father would
have wanted, do you think?
I don't know.
- He died when I was younger, so
I never really knew him. - Oh.
Ah. Here we are.
Ah, yes.
Dr Augustus Fagan, Llanabba School,
requires a junior assistant
master immediately,
to teach Classics, English,
Mathematics, French, German.
Experience essential...
And first-class games -- especially
cricket -- also essential.
Salary, £120.
Might have been made for you.
But I have no teaching experience.
And I can't play cricket.
Oh, it doesn't pay to be too be modest.
But I don't speak German.
It is wonderful what one
can achieve if one tries.
Between ourselves, Llanabba hasn't
a very good name in the profession.
We class our schools into four
grades here -- leading schools,
first-rate schools, good
schools, and schools.
The status of this school is... school.
And school is pretty bad.
Dr Fagan can hardly expect all those
things for the salary he's offering.
Das ware lacherlich... Ja?
Ja.
Oh, well, I think you'll
find it very suitable.
And Wales isn't as bad as people say.
Guten luck!
- Here you are.
- Thank you.
Er, do you know...?
Hello. I'm Paul Pennyfeather.
I've come here as a master.
Hm!
I know all about you.
Follow me.
This is the common room.
Wait here, please.
Come in here, you.
- Yes, Captain Grimes.
- Hello.
Hello, there.
What do you mean by whistling
when I told you to stop?
- All the other boys were whistling, sir.
- What's that got to do with it?
I'd have thought that had
everything to do with it, sir.
Well, you'd be wrong, you disruptive oik.
Do me 100 lines, and remember,
next time I'll beat you.
With this.
Now, go on.
There's no discipline in this place.
Headmaster will see you now.
I shall not ask the details
about why you were "sent down".
I've been in the scholastic
profession long enough to know
that nobody enters it unless
he has some very good reasons
he is anxious to conceal.
I'm keen to find something that
I can stick at. A vocation.
I hope that being a
schoolmaster may be it.
Don't let Daddy overwork you.
You know what scholars
can be like -- inhuman.
Nonsense.
I'm grateful for the little
detachment I've achieved
as a headmaster.
This creature is my daughter, Florence.
How do you do?
Pleased to meet you. I'm
expecting to work hard...
Your predecessor was a
thoroughly agreeable young man.
But he used to borrow
money off the boys --
quite large sums, as it turns out.
So I had to get rid of
him, but it was a shame --
he had tone.
Ah, this is my other daughter.
Diana, this is Paul
Pennyfeather, the new master.
Pleased to meet you.
Don't listen to whatever
Florence has just told you.
- Do your own thing. - Shut up,
Dingy. - Would you like tea?
Yes, please.
I hope you brought some soap
with you. And boot polish.
And pens and paper for writing.
I'm afraid I didn't.
Oh, Father, I asked you to tell him
that masters are not
supplied with those luxuries.
Well, it... slipped my mind.
- Do you take sugar?
- Yes.
Did you bring any?
No. I-I can get some. Thank you.
I've put you in charge of the fifth form.
You'll find them delightful
boys -- quite delightful.
I've also put you in charge of
games, carpentry and the fire drill.
The fire escape is very
dangerous and never to be used.
Even in an emergency. Do you teach music?
II'm afraid not sir.
But Mr Levy assured me that you
did and I've arranged for you
to take Beste-Chetwynde in
organ lessons twice a week.
Well, you must do the best you can.
There's the bell.
Da klingelt die Schulglocke?
- Gut.
- I'll take you up.
Pleased to meet you.
He seems better than the usual.
I give him a week.
This is the fifth form.
I don't like to go in if I can avoid it.
So I'll let you introduce yourself.
But not a word to the boys, please,
about your reasons for leaving Oxford.
We schoolmasters must temper
discretion with deceit.
Well, I imagine I've said
something for you to ponder.
- Good morning, sir.
- Good morning.
- Good morning, sir.
- Good morning.
Good morning, sir.
That's enough good mornings.
Good morning to you all.
Good morning, sir.
Well, I suppose the first thing we
should do is clear up your names.
- What's your name?
- Tangent, sir.
- Very good. And yours?
- Tangent, sir.
You can't both be called Tangent.
We are, sir.
No, sir, they are not called
Tangent -- I'm Tangent.
No, sir, I'm Tangent. I really am.
There is only one Tangent in
the room, sir -- and that's me.
He's not Tangent, sir...
Quiet, please.
Tangents!
Stop, please!
Right, we'll sort out your names later.
Now, until recently I was
studying for the church,
so today we are going to learn about the
growth and spread... of Christianity...
.. during the Roman period of time.
That will be interesting, won't it?
Yes...? Tangent?
What's your name, sir?
My name...?
My name is Mr...
My name is Mr....
Come on.
Sir. There's more chalk
in the desk drawer, sir.
My name is Mr...
It's a simple question,
sir -- what's your name?
My name is Mr...
My name is Mr Pennyfeather.
- "Mr Fanny feather."
- "Mr Runny weather."
Stop laughing! It is not an amusing name.
Quiet. Quiet, please!
> Wait for me...
Hello.
I suppose you must be the new master.
Hello. Yes. I'm Mr Pennyfeather.
They call me Prendy.
Glass of port?
It's 10.30...
Beer, then?
You'll hate it here. I do.
I've been here ten years.
Grimes only came this term,
but he hates it already.
Filthy meal, isn't it? Pub after dinner?
- Um...
- Good chap.
Poor old Prendy, the boys
give him such a hard time.
It's because of his wig.
It's very difficult to retain
authority if people know
you're wearing a wig.
I've got a false leg -- but that's
different. People respect it.
They think I lost it during the war.
You didn't lose it during the war?
No. I lost it in a tram
accident in Stoke-on-Trent.
Drink had been taken! Ha-ha.
Have you met Miss Fagan yet?
The headmaster's daughter?
I've met two of them. Yes.
Yeah? They're both bitches.
I'm engaged to be married to Flossie.
Not the male-looking one, the haybag.
They're both fairly masculine.
Yeah. We haven't announced it yet,
so keep it to yourself. Nobody knows.
- I might not go through with it.
- Right. No.
Chop chop! I'm thirsty!
How are you finding your mob?
Oh. Um...
I tried to impart some knowledge I
have on the Romans to them today...
I shouldn't try to teach
them anything. You're new.
Just keep them quiet. And
beat them if they're not.
Beat them, beat them,
beat them, beat them.
That's how I won their admiration.
Although I don't think by nature I
was meant to be a schoolteacher.
Why not?
Because of my, er, "temperament".
At each school, I get in the soup.
And then I get fired.
Right.
And is it hard to get another
job -- once you've been...
"in the soup"?
There are ways. I'm a
public-school man, you see.
That means everything.
There's a blessed equity in
the public-school system that
ensures one against starvation.
Not that I survived five
years at school, of course.
I was expelled.
For something I did.
Then war broke out.
You're too young to have
been in the war, of course.
Yes. How was the war for you?
Brief. They were going to court
- martial me. For something I did.
Firing squad. One chap put a
revolver in my hand and suggested I
"do the decent thing". Well, I
didn't fancy shooting myself.
I thought, "If someone's
going to shoot me,
"they can bloody well do it themselves."
It was a bit hairy for a moment,
but thankfully the colonel turned
out to be a public-school chap.
He thought there was no way they
should be shooting an Old Harrovian.
So they got me a job in Ireland
for the rest of the war.
As a postman. It was wonderful.
You can't get in the soup
in Ireland, whatever you do.
Captain Grimes... Pennyfeather...
I've been talking to the
stationmaster, there --
and if either of you fancy
a woman tonight, he's, er,
offering up his sister...
Certainly not, Philbrick.
All right. Just offering.
Damn cheek of the man.
Women are a bit of an enigma to Grimes.
Let's have whiskies with these.
Oh, I-I probably shouldn't.
You-you probably should!
Cheerio!
Good morning, sir, I just thought
I'd come and let you know
that there is only one
bathroom for masters.
So, if you want to get to
it before Mr Prendergast,
you ought to go now.
- Everybody up...
- Thank you...
Rise and shine...
Sorry, who are you?
Please don't say you're called Tangent.
I'm Beste-Chetwynde, sir.
I think you're teaching
me the organ this morning.
Oh -- yes.
Well, are you terribly good?
Erm...
Did you go to the pub last night, sir?
Oh, no, no.
I expect you're wondering
how I came to be here.
If things had worked out
differently, I'd still be
a rector in Worthing, my own house
and a church and a congregation.
It was all very pleasant... at first.
Until my doubts began...
Were they as bad as all that?
They were insufferable.
And they arrived very suddenly one day,
while I was having tea with
some friends of my mother.
I suddenly realised...
.. that I couldn't understand...
.. why God had made the world.
At all.
No, I mean...
I could understand that once
you're granted the first step,
everything else follows.
Incarnation. Resurrection. Church.
Bishops. Incense. Jumble sale.
But why did God begin it
all in the first place?
The Bishop thought it was
a phase that would pass.
It didn't pass.
Eventually I had to resign my living.
That's terrible.
Do I smell of drink?
A little.
Comes of having no breakfast. May I?
Has Prendy been telling
you about his doubts?
I have, actually.
It's a funny thing, I
can't quite explain it,
but I've always felt that one
can't be unhappy for long,
providing one does whatever one wants.
That's a good philosophy.
I must say that I... I find
the boys utterly intractable.
Do you?
My wig may have something to do with it.
Have you noticed that I... I wear a wig?
- No. I didn't. Do you?
- I told you he does.
It was a great mistake ever getting one.
The boys make all sorts of jokes.
Well, I suppose they'd just laugh
at something else if it wasn't that.
Yes. Perhaps it's good to localise
the target of their ridicule.
It's all very well for you
-- the boys admire you.
Losing your leg at Gallipoli,
capturing that enemy machine gun.
I can't get my chalk to work on the board.
Yeah, that's because the
little turds put varnish on it.
Beat any boy you see doing that.
Well, we must go and face
the mutinous beasts again.
Perhaps one day I'll see the
light and go back to ministry.
Here you are. You'll want this.
Right, listen up, boys.
I want you to write an essay for
me, in silence, on self-indulgence.
There will be a prize
for the longest essay,
irrespective of any possible merit.
'My dear Potts,
'the boys finally seem
to be tolerating me,
'which is some improvement.
'But I still miss Oxford terribly.
'Thank you for sending
me your rubbings from
'St Magnus's at Little Beckley.
I wish I had been with you...'
Mr Potts, erm, do you,
erm, do you have a moment?
Certainly.
I have some friends who live
in London who are working for
a new organisation and they're
very interested in meeting you.
What have you heard about the,
erm... The League of Nations?
How beautiful.
Isn't he?
Why hasn't there been a
sports day for three years?
Yes, Pennyfeather.
Perhaps I will go and find
him now. See you later.
See you later.
Beste-Chetwynde?
Where's your mother from?
If you don't mind me asking?
Er, California. Her family are
originally from Ciudad Guayana.
It's just that I saw her
dropping you off after the exeat.
I've told her all about you.
Have you? Where is...
Ciudad Guayana? Venezuela.
Dad was from Winchester.
Was he? He "was"?
He died when I was nine.
My father also died when I was young.
I hope Mama falls in love again.
She's still so young and
beautiful and wonderful and she
deserves to be happy.
I don't much like the chap
she's currently seeing.
Have you ever been in
love, Mr Pennyfeather?
Er, no. Not yet.
Beste-Chetwynde...
Given the suddenly optimistic
weather forecast, I have decided
that the chief sporting event of the
year will take place... tomorrow.
The preliminary heats
will be run this afternoon.
Our new master, Mr Pennyfeather,
who, as you know, is a
distinguished athlete...
.. will be in charge
of all the arrangements.
The sports day always brings the
largest collection of parents
to the school -- so the whole
thing must go like a dream.
And certainly better
than last time. Diana....
Daddy.
Will you please be kind enough
to arrange tea in this marquee?
Foie gras sandwiches, and plenty
of cakes with sugar icing.
Florence, there must be banks of flowers.
It's rare that the scholarly hum of
the school gives way to the spirit
of festival, but when it does, taste
and dignity must be our watchwords.
Shall we get a Welsh band?
Very good idea.
- Fireworks?
- Marvellous!
A parents' race.
I read in the paper yesterday
that the Llanabba Silver Band came
third in the North Wales Eisteddfod.
Well spotted, Pennyfeather. You may
yet become an asset to this school.
Let's get on to them, please.
Old Mr Davis at the
station is the bandmaster.
Nonetheless, let's book them.
And, Pennyfeather, make
sure that the winners are
evenly distributed throughout the school.
Little Lord Tangent must win something.
Well, he's a donkey.
His mother's coming. And
so is Mrs Beste-Chetwynde.
Events must go well.
She is an important
woman. And very wealthy.
- She poisoned her husband.
- What?
Yeah, have you heard?
No.
- Powdered glass in his coffee.
- But it never came to court.
Right, Pennyfeather! Time for the heats!
Fall in. Well done, boys.
Tangent, is everyone here?
Erm, Clutterbuck is
crying behind that tree.
Never mind. What do we do now?
I deplore the whole business.
Can we please start, sir?
We're all getting rather cold.
Yes, quite right. Er...
What do you want to do?
Well, how about we divide up
into two heats and run a race?
Yes. That's the way I do it, too.
Right. Divide up into two teams.
The first race will be a mile.
Run round the castle and back.
Mr Prendergast will take
the names of the winners
for tomorrow's programme.
Where are you going?
To look for the hurdles.
On your marks. Get set. Go!
Go!
Oh, Philbrick? What are you doing?
I've been told to put up more
tents. Like a blinking Arab.
This is not what I was made for.
I'm looking for the hurdles.
Oh, they got burned for firewood.
I'll have to order some more.
I suspect you're wondering
how I came to be here.
At this school.
Not really.
Then I'll tell you. It's
a love story, really.
You ever heard of Toby
Crutwell? From Camberwell?
Me and Toby used to work together.
We did the Buller diamond robbery and the
1912 Amalgamated Steel Trust Robbery.
What?!
After the war, I settled down
running The Lamb & Flag in Camberwell.
I ain't seen Toby in seven year.
There was a rumour he
became a Conservative MP.
But last year, he came into
the pub, out the blue...
.. and suggested we get
into a bit of nobbling.
Nobbling?
- Kidnapping.
- Kidnapping?
Sh! Rich people's kids.
Toby had his eye on Lord Utteridge's son.
- The sick degenerate.
- Yes... sick degenerate.
- Oh, you know the boy?
- No, I meant...
Hm, horrible little toad.
Anyway, I needed the dough.
So I said, "Yeah, count me
in." What harm could it do?
Hey? We weren't going to hurt the
kid. Just threaten him a bit.
You know.
So we took the boy, and we wrote
to daddy -- pay up or else...
Guess what happened? Dad refused to pay.
Said he was delighted to
have the boy off his hands.
His happiness was now complete.
So we thought we'd give it another go.
Only this time, find some
wealthy widow toff mother,
so we didn't have to deal with the father.
Toby read about Lady Circumference --
and her only son...
.. Lord Tangent.
That's why you're here?
To kidnap Lord Tangent?
Good God. Why have you told me this?
Don't worry, ain't to happen now.
All right, Prendy. How's it going?
Not well. None of them come back.
It's discouraging launching
heat after heat and then none of
them come back.
It's... It's like sending
troops into battle.
I suspect they've gone to get changed.
Well, it is rather, erm, rather damp.
Do you think we could go and
change now? I'd like that.
- How did the heats go?
- Oh, there weren't any.
Oh, very wise of you.
The old boy wants the results
off to the printers, so come on,
help me decide the winners.
I've learned it's always the
best when these things are
worked out over the fire.
Who did well, would you say?
Um... Clutterbuck did well.
He's a fine athlete, yeah.
Which heat did he win?
The three-mile?
- Why not?
- Well done, Clutterbuck.
Hello.
Hello.
Pennyfeather, fancy a
jaunt to Mrs Roberts?
Swifty, before the events get going?
Well, the parents are
here now, so... Hello.
Quite right. I'll see you later, then.
Oh, here comes Prendy in
his coat of many colours.
He looks like an ice cream.
Prendy, swifty?
- See you later, old chap.
- Shouldn't you stay and help?
You're doing so well on your own.
Hello.
You promised me sunshine, Pennyfeather!
Never mind.
This sports day is already going
better than the previous one.
Well, the marquee is still standing
and none of the children have
been mauled by a dog.
That's good.
Now, look, there's a limited
amount of champagne today,
so please make sure that it goes
to the parents and not the masters.
Try to prevent the masters
from pushing forward.
I'll try.
Oh, have you marked out the
finish line with paint?
I think Captain Grimes was doing that.
Well, he HASN'T done it.
That's one for you, please.
And can we get the prizes
arranged on the table?
The prize table needs to
look casual but considered.
I think Mr Prendergast was taking...
- Yes, but...
- I'll do it.
Good.
The hurdles have arrived, sir.
Not sure they're what you were expecting.
Could a boy jump that?
Perhaps we should replace the
hurdles with a different event.
The greasy pole?
Throwing things into little hoops?
The hammer?
I'm not entirely sure what that
is -- but presumably you just need
a hammer. And then you throw it.
Well done, Pennyfeather. I'll
leave the details to you.
I am more concerned about the style
of the day than the actual events.
For instance, I wish we
had a starting pistol.
The very thing!
Why have you got that?
Oh, I carry it all the time.
Careful with it, though, sir.
Point it towards the ground
when you're firing it.
Yes. Yes, of cour...
Who are these
extraordinary-looking people?
Stick with me...
Oh, it's Mr Davis, the stationmaster.
Hello.
We are the silver band, The
Lord Bless And Keep You,
the band that no-one could
beat whatever but two indeed in
the Eisteddfod that for the whole
of North Wales was, look you.
Right, go into your little tent.
And you must on no account
talk to any of the parents.
Or be seen.
To march about would you like us not?
Certainly not. Stay in your tent.
Play your music.
We'll pay you £3, as agreed.
£3 it is,
but nothing whatever without the
money first can we look to play.
Here.
It is £3! My boys -- to the tent.
£3? How about I give them a clout, sir?
No, please. Do not anger the Welsh.
We don't want to become
unpopular in the village.
Do you have any Welsh blood?
- No.
- Good.
I do truly believe that the
Welsh are the only nation in the
world that has produced
nothing of any worth.
They produce no painting or sculpture,
no architecture or drama of any kind.
They just sing.
Good Lord, Lady Circumference is here.
Come with me!
Lady Circumference, how
wonderful to see you.
Oh, I've just been chaffing your
daughter, here, about her frock.
I love a riot of colour.
Allow me to introduce you
to our fine new master,
Mr Pennyfeather.
Sharp of mind, swift of
foot. With excellent German.
How do you do?
Lady Circumference is Little
Lord Tangent's mother.
How's he doing?
Yes, very well.
Nonsense. He's a dunderhead.
He needs kicking and beating.
I'll keep a close eye
on him. We all should!
Are you looking forward to the sports?
Not really. How do you find these events?
I think they're good for the boys.
Do you? Why?
In case there's another war?
Another war?
I told you he was clever.
Who do you think will
be our enemy this time?
- America.
- America? I hope not.
We had German prisoners on my
land last time. That was fine.
But if they start putting Americans
on my land, I shall refuse it.
Set out the prizes, please, Pennyfeather.
Is that the start or the finish, old chap?
Both. I see you two have had a few.
Clutterbuck, is that box
big enough to fit a boy in?
A small one.
Tangent?
Maybe. Do you want to try to?
Actually, where is Tangent?
Have you seen Tangent?
Captain Grimes, take over.
Philbrick, I know what your game is.
Eh?
That box. Just big enough
for a boy, isn't it?
Don't be ridiculous. I
told you. That job's off.
Tangent?
This stuff's for the hammer throw.
Tangent!
Oh...
I came here to kidnap Lord Tangent.
But that was a year ago.
The moment I got here
and I met Miss Diana,
the headmaster's daughter,
well, everything changed.
My heart stopped.
That woman could lift a man
from the depths of hell.
Dingy?
Beauty's not just skin
deep, Mr Pennyfeather?
- No, no, it isn't. - No, it's
not. I told you, it's a love story.
You ever been in love, Mr Pennyfeather?
Pennyfeather! Pennyfeather!
Start them racing, please!
Boys! Form up! The first
race is about to begin!
The under-16s' 12 furlong.
Erm, the course goes as follows.
Down here. Through the woods.
Round the castle. Past that elm tree.
Cedar tree!
Cedar tree. Six laps.
Captain Grimes is the timekeeper.
I... keep... the time.
Mr Prendergast, the starter.
On your marks...
Tangent!
- Oh, Dingy...
- Are you all right?
.. go and give that boy some cake.
- Yes, Daddy.
- Lady Circumference, I am so sorry...
Not to worry. I'm sure he'll recover.
But perhaps someone should
remove the pistol from that man,
before he does anything serious.
Yes, it's very unfortunate.
Mrs Beste-Chetwynde is arriving.
Mrs Beasty Bee is arriving.
Oh, dear Mrs Beste-Chetwynde.
Oh, dear Dr Fagan.
I hope you don't mind me
bringing my friend, Chokey.
- He's just crazy about sport.
- Oh, I sure am.
Oh, no...
Shall we?
- At the moment the boys are
running the 12-furlong race. - Oh.
Six laps round the castle.
Oh, lovely.
Er, Lady Circumference,
allow me to introduce you
to Mrs Beste-Chetwynde and her... friend.
- Hello. How do you do?
- How do you do?
How's your boy doing?
- He's been injured in the foot.
- Oh, dear. Not badly, I hope?
He was shot by one of the masters.
It's kind of you to enquire.
I was talking to that master.
He kept going on about
a church in Worthing.
I wondered if he wasn't
quite all right in the head.
Well, the children adore him.
Oh, here they come!!
Come on, darling!
- Well done, darling!!
- Oh, that's the stuff!
Oh! That boy cheated.
He only went round the castle
five times. I was counting.
How dare you say a thing like that?
I appeal to the referee.
Let's not have competitiveness
spoil sports day.
Beste-Chetwynde wins.
Nonsense.
He lagged behind and then joined
the others on the final lap.
You're making a very serious accusation.
I know a cheat when I see one.
How about we say that Beste-Chetwynde won
the ten-furlong race?
Yes! A very exacting distance.
But all the others were
running 12 furlongs.
And they came first, second, third,
fourth and fifth at that distance.
Wonderful. So many winners!
- Very well.
- Now it must be time for tea?
It's the hammer now.
We will enjoy that spectacle
while we have tea.
Yes, tea is served.
'Scuse me.
Pennyfeather, circulate, please.
Mingle. The tent seems to have
divided into two warring sides.
Give them sandwiches. I'll go and talk to
Mrs Beste-Chetwynde.
Mrs Beste-Chetwynde, it's such a
pity you've missed the hurdles.
Peter did very well.
Oh, it was such a shame
to have missed that.
We had the slowest journey up.
Stopping at all the churches.
Chokey loves an old church,
don't you, darling?
Oh, I sure do.
You know, when I saw
Bath & Wells Cathedral,
you know, my heart rose
up and sang within me.
It is a nice building.
You folk think that because
we're coloured, we don't care
for nothing but jazz.
Not at all.
But my race is essentially
an artistic race...
Oh, you should hear him play.
.. with a love of song and colour.
What he can do with a trombone.
You white folk despise the coloured man.
You think he doesn't have a soul.
Not at all.
But don't the coloured man
breathe the air same as you?
- He do. - Don't he eat
and drink same as you?
He do. He do. So, please, have a sandwich.
Where's Pennyfeather?
Pennyfeather!
You really mustn't be discouraged.
We're amongst friends here.
Well, I just want to say, I think...
Can I interest you in
a foie gras sandwich?
Oh, yes. Thank you.
I'd give up all of jazz for
one stone in your cathedrals.
Chokey thinks religion is
divine. Are you a master here?
Yes.
Do you teach my boy?
He do.
Mr Pennyfeather is our newest master
and a fine addition to the school.
Oh, you're Mr Pennyfeather.
His ability at music and foreign
languages has surprised us all.
Do you like England's cathedrals, sir?
I like York Minster at lot.
I could eat you up!
Come for a walk with me, Mr Pennyfeather.
Tell me more about my son's education.
Oh, Chokey, why don't you
talk to Lady Circumference?
Ask her about her turnip crop.
Thank you.
Have you been in England long?
Ah, yes. I was born here.
Oh, how divine.
Have you lived here long? I
gather you're from America?
I am, I moved here 16 years
ago, when I married Henry,
God rest his soul.
Oh, I'm sorry if I seem tense.
Chokey and I had a fight
about architecture.
Oh, dear... He seems charming.
Initially, I was very excited by him,
but I'm getting rather bored of him now.
His endless jazz and earnestness.
Yes, jazz can be rather testing, can't it?
Oh, I love jazz.
Testing in a good way. I love it, too.
Prendergast, will you please go
and tell the Welsh to go home!
You know, when Peter's
written home recently,
I've noticed a startling
improvement in his spelling.
Can I credit you for that?
Yes, I suppose so. It is a pleasure
teaching the intelligent children.
Oh, I'm terribly keen on
the boy to go to Oxford.
But I can't help thinking his
current abilities will prevent that.
It is a challenging entrance
exam. I remember mine well.
Oh, we need a master at
home, for private tuition.
I want someone young and clever
at home -- and you've revealed
yourself to be both those things.
Would you be interested in
spending the summer with us?
I have a place on Park Lane
and a place in Hampshire.
The place in Hampshire
is called King's Thursday.
Captain Grimes!
It was built in 1553, so
it's hopeless, nothing works.
Well, I'm tearing it down and I'm
building something clean, modern,
square, instead.
Does that sound too terribly boring?
- No. No.
- Pennyfeather!
Can I have a word, old chap?
- Would you give me one moment?
- Uh-hm.
Oh, dear, I fear I'm in the soup again.
Oh. I see.
One moment's indiscretion and
my whole career's in doubt.
If I get fired as a teacher,
there really is nothing else
one can resort to.
Well, why don't you talk to Dr Fagan?
Or one of his daughters?
Flossie? Of course... That's
how I can save myself.
You're brilliant, Pennyfeather.
- Am I?
- Well done.
Flossie!
I'll pay you, of course, for the tutoring.
Shall we say £5 a week?
Oh, and you can come to
all my summer parties.
And borrow the motorcar. And the horses.
Oh, does any of this
sound appealing, at all?
Well, I think it's time for us to leave.
Thank goodness that's
over for another year.
And poor old Tangent's foot has
all swollen up and gone black.
I think I may have to find
myself some other profession.
Has Dr Fagan gone in?
Yes.
I think I may have earned myself
a reprieve with the good doctor.
Oh, well done. What did you do?
I have done the only thing I could...
I've told Flossie we're going
to announce our engagement.
Oh, congratulations.
It was Paul's idea.
Was it? Right. Well, yes...
Congratulations. I'm sure she's delighted.
Oh, she's as pleased as
hell and damn her nasty eyes.
Well, I expect everything
will be all right in the end.
I'm sure. Why wouldn't it be?
Well, between us...
I haven't told you this
before -- I'm already married.
Anyway, once Fagan knows I'm
going to marry his daughter,
I'm sure that'll get me out the soup.
Come on, Prendy. Back to the daily grind.
You're on prep duty.
Oh, good. I intend to cane
every single boy tonight.
Yes, good show.
Hm, do you really think
Mrs Beste-Chetwynde murdered her husband?
- Probably. Why do you ask?
- Oh, no reason.
Oh-oh-oh. I see.
- What?
- Oh, dear.
- What?
- You're in love.
Oh, don't be ridiculous.
You're in love.
Yes. Smitten.
- Not at all.
- The temper -- passion...
She's simply asked me to tutor the boy.
Cupid's done it a dance.
No.
Spring fancies. Love's young dream.
Not even a quickening of the pulse?
Certainly not
♪ A sweet despair... ♪
Oh, do be quiet!
♪ A trembling hope
♪ A frisson, a je ne sais quoi... ♪
Nothing of the sort.
Liar.
Sir, have you seen Captain Grimes?
Apparently, he didn't
come home last night.
He's probably just passed
out in a ditch somewhere.
You're going to Margot's
place for summer...
You can come and work for me!
We provide girls for
places of entertainment.
- Pottsy. - I'd heard you'd
had to become a... teacher.
I'm giving that up, now
that I have met Margot,
the most wonderful woman in the world.