Death Valley (2011): Season 1, Episode 2 - Help Us Help You - full transcript

Subtitles by josmndsn

How could something that smells so bad,

taste so good?

It's like having a child with me.
- A child with a gun.

Humm.

Oh, come on.
- Aw, on Monday!

All right.

Calm down.

Billy?

Yeah.

You probably don't remember me,



do you.

S-s-tephan...Jen..drian...

Lindsey.
- Lindsey! Right!

Oh, my God.

How are you girl?

You're such an [bleep].

You didn't even call after we went out.

I'm pretty sure I called you.

No ... you texted!

I texted, that's the same thing.

That is not the same thing,

you douche!

It's not the same thing.

Do you even remember what we



did that night?

Well, whatever it was you don't

want to say it in front of this prude.

You took me to Santa Anita to

watch the horse race.

Hell, that's not so bad.

I just pretended I wanted to go,

I didn't want to go!

because you wanted to go.

Sounds like you're made at yourself.

You had us sit in the front row

and it smelled like [bleep].

Hey, I don't control horses, Lannie.

Lindsey!!

Fine, ... listen,

I'm sorry I didn't call you.

You're obviously very upset

about that.

And, I'm sorry you don't

like horses.

But, why don't we get you

back to the station,

wash you up, ...

probably wash out the

mouth of yours

and ... get this all

taken care of.

Really ... You guys are all the same.

There's no way that I am getting

in a car with you.

You gotta be fricking kidding me.

Okay ... let's go.

Oh! So, you asked me once

and that's it?

You gotta have perseverence?

You're a real man!

That's like my life on a daily basis.

[snarling growl]

[screams]

Thanks! You are like the

worst cop ever!

Didn't anybody ever train you?

Seriously!

I'm going to shoot her,

if you don't.

No, I got this.

... gonna get you fired!

One year ago ...

Vampires, werewolves and zombies...

descended upon California's

San Fernando Valley.

authorities remain baffled

by their origin.

Evening, I want to give a warm

welcome to Officer Pearce,

who's back with us after a thankless

short stay in the hospital.

And, I want you to give a fond

farewell to Rodney,

our former sound man, who bit it

in a donut shop Fiday night,

because he was not paying attention.

Didn't know Rodney well.

What I could tell he was

obviously a natural blond ...

who smelled like apricots.

He didn't deserve to die that way.

On that note, let's say hello

to our new sound man, Roger.

Uh, Jamie, actually, but a,

... is this thing on? Sound check.

I'm real excited to be here you guys,

I'm kind of an outdoor guy.

I love snowboarding.

If you can't find me,

I am definitely on the slopes.

Last order of business.

UTF is launching a monster

awareness campaign.

You will see these posters

around the Valley.

"Help Us" ... "Help You"

"Don't be ...

a sucker"

Finally, I think the most important ...

"Partners Provide Protection"

Is that supposed to be gay?

Excuse me?
- She's right, sir.

It does look kinda gay.
- It's not gay.

It's not, not gay.

Well, I'm married.

So, obviously, it's not gay.

Guys, gays ...

straight ... filipino lady boy.

It's all just labels, anyway, right.

We're all God's children ...

lights go down,

it all feels the same.

Finally, let's get out there

and kill something.

Oh, my gosh!

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Are you okay?

Officer Landry.
- Uh, yes, Captain.

Doing a little Jazzercise ...

a Step class, something like that?

Uh, ... No.

Actually, it's a pretty

brutal workout.

My Dad used to be in the military ...

This country owes him a

debt of gratitude.

Let me ask you something.

You ready for a little action tonight?

Oh, uh, ... for sure.

I'm more than ready.

Take those clothes off and get

ready for the ride of your life.

That was misleading ...

Put your uniform on,

Officer Landry,

I'm taking you out on the beat.

Okay! ... I'll get ready.

[shouts]

Okay, Princess, you're done here.

It's your lucky day.

You caught the Captain in a good mood.

And, if you need to make a call,

you can use my phone or the phone

on the booking desk.

I don't need to call anyone.

I don't have anyone to call.

You don't want anybody

to come get you?

I got Matteo killed.

Hey ... noone's coming to get me.

I guess, we're driving you home.

What!
- Anybody need to use the can?

No.

Well, I do.

So, ...

hang on for a minute.

Don't look at me like that.

Some teens are beating up

a slow walker.

No.

It's just an unusually slow night.

The man just asked a question.

Yes, a zombie.

When they're around too long,

they do that ... drunk shuffle.

Yeah, that's it, right there.

[pedestrian cries out]

[siren starts]

All right, you guys got nothing

better to do tonight

than beat up some poor zombie?

We were just helping out the cops

like it says in the posters.

Listen up, bitches.

The next time you see a zombie,

you f[bleep]ing call us, all right.

You just don't go beating on it

with a baseball bat.

You take care of it

in a proper way.

Uh, John John, ...
- What!

John John! ...

Now, that's what I'm talking about.

Go home.

Now!

So, we got no problem with

the zombies.

Like a cross between a hobo and pooh.

The vamps, the vamps I hate.

Run drugs, they launder money,

they're heavy into the sex for blood trade.

They're kind of like the doucebags

of the monster community, if you will.

What about werewolves?

Sad situation Gristen.
- Kirsten.

Grasken.
- Kirsten.

Sad situation.

My old partner was a werewolf.

You're kidding?

About a year he was out taking his

dog for a squat,

werewolf attacked them both.

Killed the dog, turned my partner.

Turned him into a werewolf?

That is correct.

And, now he's got to lock himself up

every full moon

so he doesn't hurt anybody.

Jeez.

Talked to his wife, last full moon she

had her first orgasm.

Oh.

[Police radio] All units...

Call for an unknown creature trapped

in the attic ...

Stillwater Canyon, near Greenleaf.

Isn't that right near us?

Yeah, Kristen, it is.

Let's rock and roll.

[siren starts]

You know, Sofia, I got to tell you

I don't like what's going on with you.

I mean, I got two daughters.

Here.

Check it out.

There's Lucille, she's five.

And, then Tessa, the little one,

she just turned three.

I mean, do your parents even

know what's going on with you?

Ha!
- Quiet, Billy.

My brother knows.
- Oh, you told him?

His friends did.

I used to date his best friend, Rico.

Is he the one who got you into this?

You know, you could just drop

me off right here.

No. Sofia, we're gonna take you home.

Where's home?

Donde esta home, Sofia.

Billy, that's enough.

Where do you live?

Anywhere.
- Sofia, where's your home!

Nowhere.

Look, I'm trying to do you a favor here.

You get caught on blood for sex again,

it's a mandatory 30 days sentence.

And, you will get caught, little girl.

Because, we got cameras at

that motel, now.

What the hell, Billy!

Or, maybe ... we don't.

Listen, Sofia, you have a chance

to turn your life around.

How?

I'm a [bleep]ing vampire.

What don't you understand about that?

Listen, the way you're going,

you're going to end up in jail.

Or worse, I guarantee it.

So, might as well give it a shot.

Why not?

Okay, I'll try.

You're just gonna try?

You mean it?.

Yes.

Yes, I'll try.
- All right!

Cool.

Think she likes you.

Billy.

Wow.

I'm hungry.

Let's go get a slice of pizza.

We'll get it in a minute.

I want to see where she's going.

Uh, we got a big fat weenie in the car.

Are you joking!?

You guys stay close, all right.

Found it.

What the f ... come on, man.

I know y'all think this is

fun and games.

But, one of you 'Meet the Fockers'

is gonna get hurt.

'Meet the Fockers'??

TV crew says I curse too much.

Yeah, I'm not sure how much we

can bleep, to be totally honest, so.

What the hell you

think you're doing?

Just helping out the UTP, man.

Just helping you ... help us.

Help you.

You talk a pretty tough game,

beating up slow walkers.

Let's see how tough you are when

some 'freshie' comes after you

and tears you up like a sparerib.

When what, does what?

Fresh zombies,

right after they get bit.

They're like attack dogs.
- That's right.

The only reason why this guy's

got a job is

because the jackass before him wasn't

paying attention and got bit.

Sorry, man. Real talk.

Yeah, no ... keep that real with me.

Is anybody still confused

about what's going on?

Great. Now, back the f[bleep] up.

So, ... dog in a ditch.

You're welcome.
- Oh, no worries.

And, say hey to the gay cops,

when you see 'em.

They're not gay! ...

[as an aside] they just look gay.

Nice neighborhood.

Yes, it is.

Good evening.

Hi, thanks for getting here so quickly.

I'm Aaron, by the way.

This, my wife, Vanessa.

Yes, lovely home you have here.
- Thanks.

Yeah, we just moved in.

Sorry about all the boxes

all over the place.

Not at all.

What seems to be the problem.

Uh, well, we we're just about to

go to bed

and our dog kind of started

barking at the attic.

And, we think somethings up there.

We don't know if it's an animal

or a person.

But, I've been seeing your posters

around town so I thought we should

give you a call.

You did the right thing.

Where's the dog, now?

Uh, he's in the backyard,

so he won't bother you.

What kind of dog?

Wheaton Terrier.

Aah, Wheaton's, effective

man stoppers.

Sturdy, bright,

good little pooches.

Shall we.

Yes.

This is my partner, Officer Landry.

Hi.

Pleasure to meet you.

I say partner, of course I mean that

in a professional sense.

As it would be inappropriate for me

to enjoy a romantic relationship

with a female officer.

Or, a male officer, for that matter.

We spend so many long hours together.

You play games,

tell each other secrets.

You become so familiar,

even addicted to their smell.

Like I said, partners.

Okay.

Um.

Just need to get the latch open.

Careful, there, Landry.

Cover me.

Oh, yeah.

I see 'em.

Got yourself a roof rat.

Huh?

Roof rat.

Problem is,

that's and animal control issue.

The UTF is a little busy

catching actual monsters.

Uh, no, I understand, yeah, I guess,
we're calling animal control.

But, couldn't we take
care of it anyways?

I mean, it's just a rat, right?

Okey, dokey.

Let's do this.

Okay, ratty rat.

Ratty rat, here ratty rat, rat.

[rat squeals]

[Captain screams]

You want a fight ...

I'll give you a fight.

Landry! Let's go!

Well, spit in my salad.

Staying in a [bleep]damn motel.

I can't believe it.

Actually, you know what,

I do believe it.

Because, she's a whore.
- Don't say that.

Hey, don't romanticise it Stu,

She's a whore, and a vampire

and a prostitute.

And, that's all she's ever going to be.

Yeah, well, once upon a time ...

she wasn't.

Once upon a time, what are we,
in fairytale land, now?

Yes!

Think of your homeless guy,
starts out homeless?

Yes.

No, you don't.

Is he going to be in a wheelchair,

starts out in a wheelchair?

It would be funny,

if they did.

No, it wouldn't.

It would be tragic.

It's a lot of things.

It's life, It's luck.

[In unison] It's parenting.

Jinx.
- I refuse your jinx.

You cannot reject a jinx.

That's the point of a jinx.

It's 'jinx' rules.

There ... we are in the Valley.

We gonna sit here and solve

the whole world's problems

or, are we going to go bust

that vampire whore.

Not yet.

We gotta catch her in the act.

if we want to bring her in.

I can catch her in the act.

Don't say it like that.

Magic ...

[siren]

Here, let's go.

You gotta be kidding me.

Didn't we just tell these

kids to leave.

Yeah, I thought so.

You, again.

I thought I told you

guys to stay out of trouble.

Yeah.

[snarling growl]

I got him, I got him!

It's under the couch.

Secure the perimeter.

I want every exit sealed off.

You understand me?

Do something.

They are the professionals ...

Captain, if you close that up you'll ...

Now, listen to me,

It's going to come down to,

who's more smart.

Do you understand what that means?

Get it!

All right, come to papa,

you son of a bitch.

Rat's gonna make a break for it.

Get ready, to do some killin'.

Come on out, you glorified squirrel.

John John.

Granny changes.

Behind you.

Oh!

Listen kid,

did you get bit.

No.

Nice.

Can't hear you, speak louder.

My nose.

Breathe into that.

Jimmy, breathe into that.

Breathe ...
- It's by the window!

I got it!

I got him.

Well, our little fellow isn't

going to be bothering anybody

anytime soon.

Don't.

Oh, that guy, he is a big F'er.

Is that her pimp?

I mean, it must be,

if it were her john,

wouldn't he be having sex

with her, right?

Not necessarily.

I mean, he could just be getting a

slippery pete or a Lindsey Lohan.

I don't need the technicalities.

It's really, whatever you're into.

Whatever, he's into.

Oh, what the hell, maybe, it is a john.

Or it's her pimp and he's

going to have sex with her anyway.

If I was a pimp,

I would totally have sex with my whores.

Aw, Jesus[bleep] Billy.

You kiss your mother with that mouth?

I'd French kiss my mother

with this mouth.

You're disgusting.

I'm just kidding,

she's not that hot.

What??

She has pretty eyes.

I want a new partner.

Let's get back to police protocol.

Ach, I can't watch this.

That's okay,

I'll describe the good parts for you.

Don't.

Okay, he's on top of her.

Oh, there goes the belt,

wait a minute,

Oh, it looks like she's into

the cho-o-o-choking thing.

What, ser...

Is that what he's doing to her?

He's choking her.

Her legs are flailing.

Trust me, she is not into this.

Let's go.

Where'd everybody go?

Think it's a Serta?

Was she under there?

Figures.

Billy ... bathroom.

I just went.

Oh.
- Cover me.

Aw, jeez.

Damn it!

[glass shattering]

I see him, Stu.

Freeze!

No luck, man.

Stu, ... listen,

sorry about, a, you know,

Yeah.

Can't save the world, though.

No you can't.

Listen, don't you have ...

don't your kids have to be up

in like three hours?

Yeah ... yeah, ...

usually make Lucille lunch.

I love that about you, man.

Well, let's get you some sleep.

So, you can make those

peanut butter sandwiches.

Almond butter ...
- What?

A kid in school is allergic to peanuts.

So, nobody can bring peanut butter.

That's bull[bleep].
- Yeah, man.

One kid, huh?

One kid.
- Where's he live.

Van Nuys.

Let's go.

4 Bloodmobiles were hijacked

within a ten mile radius of this station.

Officer Landry, I have

a special assignment for you.

I am very comfortable at this weight.

Amber.

Rico.

Go out there and find

my bloodmobiles.

Subtitles by josmndsn