Dear White People (2017–…): Season 3, Episode 10 - Volume 3: Chapter X - full transcript
Dear black people:
Congratulations.
You've escaped the tyranny of four years
under a profoundly qualified
and eloquent leader.
Hope it's worth ruining what's left
of democracy by putting a reality star
in the Black House.
Preach, sister!
Dear black people:
Yes, we can still share Drake,
but I don't care how much
your president says it,
you can't have "cracka."
I hear it come out your mouth,
you're getting a punch in the throat.
Now,
don't sing along to this.
♪ Well, some might call me
A good time fella ♪
♪ I ain't black and I ain't yella ♪
♪ Just a white boy lookin' for a place
To do my thing ♪
I have a confession to make.
I've been binge-watching 7th Heaven.
Abigail!
So many underaged girls were harmed
in the making of that program.
Where else can I see true white love?
No offense. You and Reggie are adorable.
It's just that the most attention
I've ever gotten from a black man
is when Professor Jenkins covered
the European slave trade.
♪ What you say? ♪
Ugh.
Adult contemporary?
A sure sign black people have invaded
our once-safe space.
Did they just... mean-mug us?
Of course they did.
Do you know what kind of fire you started
with your whiter-than-thou vitriol?
One sadly not big enough to take hold
of whatever you've got attached
to your head.
A hype man has the nuclear codes
because people in the middle
of the country
can't tell the difference
between reality TV and the news.
We now go live at a Flav rally
in the US capital of Atlanta.
Yeah, boy!
That's right, I'm the president
round this bitch right now,
you know what I'm saying?
And y'all gon' listen to me!
'Cause I wear the motherfucking clock
around here.
A'ight!
Imagine what kind of nonsense
this clown will inspire.
I'm going on strike.
From what? Class?
Whatever it takes.
The first order of business
that I will conduct
is to build a wall around this bitch,
a'ight?
And who's gon' pay for that motherfucker?
Canada!
America is gonna be special reserve
'cause we where the party at.
Someone get this nigga off the TV.
How come you can say "nigga,"
but if someone says the C-word...
Neck punches. I've been over this.
Hey, that's reverse racism, Sam.
Hey, President Flav
wasn't my first choice,
but he and Hillary have both
had their cons, you have to admit.
Their cons?
Only one of them has their original teeth.
Fuck.
I hope there's an alternate reality
where this white lady achieves her dreams.
All right, let's cut this off.
White student union has the lounge.
Can you imagine the outrage
if there were a black student union?
Okay, okay.
You know how I feel about PDA.
Sorry!
Couldn't help myself.
How you doing?
Black day for the nation,
but, uh, what else is new?
Well, a few of us
are going to go talk to Professor Brown
about this backdoor integration of A-P.
The nation's fucked,
so we're focusing on local politics.
Well, uh...
- let me know how it goes.
- Okay.
Good to see you, Reginald.
White culture is on the verge
of extinction, we need...
Integration of A-P was supposed
to be temporary, for Christ's sake.
The sound of a saxophone dying
they call "jazz"
is making it impossible to study.
Did you come to talk to me
or to each other?
Because brother's missing
mac-n-cheese day at Bechet.
Yeah, mac-n-cheese without breadcrumbs?
- That's a hard pass.
- Come on, now.
I got something big
to deal with this A-P situation.
We got to go back to our roots,
and do what our people have always done
in times of strife.
How is a hootenanny
going to de-integrate A-P?
Not that. We got to sue.
Just like White v. Board of Education.
That's what I'm talking about!
The ACLU has agreed to represent us.
I just need signatures from all
the WSU members to authorize,
and we can make A-P white again
before the semester is out.
Well, shoot!
I believe the question
you really want answered is:
why is there a wall around your heart?
Am I right?
- No.
- Yes.
No.
Yes!
See, America?
Divisiveness.
Next question.
Damn, Dereca.
I can't believe so many people
are playing into this.
Oh, no?
It's almost like you and I attend
two totally different schools.
He has a right to his anger.
Things will calm back down around here
once you get A-P back.
Yeah.
What's up?
We need to talk.
- You know Joelle Brooks?
- What about her?
She's saying something happened...
with Professor Brown.
Something? Like what?
He made a pass... at her.
More than a pass.
Come on! Are you kidding?
Like this country doesn't have a history
of black women accusing white men?
You think I want to be the one
to bring this to you?
I know how much Moses means to you
and the movement.
He was important to her, too.
Look...
I wouldn't bring this to you
if I wasn't absolutely sure.
She is always talking crap.
I mean, I know you have a thing
for dark meat, Sam,
but how can you believe this
without the evidence?
She has a ripped dress.
And she said she was blackout drunk
after one glass of wine.
She probably just got black girl wasted
and she's too embarrassed to admit it.
This is Reggie we're talking about.
- He wouldn't lie.
- So, what?
We're just going to give them Moses?
Let them take A-P?
Rearm the security staff?
After all we fought for,
we're going to let them win?
Even if Professor Brown
made a little mistake...
This wasn't a mistake.
Build that wall!
Build that wall! Build that wall!
Well, then.
I think we all know exactly
what we have to do.
Fuck.
Yeah.
We have to kill Joelle.
- We can make it look like food poisoning.
- That's a good idea.
I have an in at the lab
where they keep all the shrooms.
Wait, even the fun ones?
Focus.
We'll celebrate after the murder.
Yeah.
I didn't want you
to have to read it with everyone else.
I make it a habit to avoid Brooke's
fan fiction.
It's more than that, Reg.
So what are y'all trying to say?
That black folks
can't see past their own hero worship?
Sometimes.
Reggie, I'm right there with you, man.
This shit ain't easy.
Bro, I'm not a sucker.
Okay? And if y'all are trying to make
some statement against the real Moses,
you should know Muffy said
nothing happened.
I think she's being silenced.
Either by the admin
or by someone in particular.
Silenced.
What, Brooke told you that?
Huh?
Brooke don't care about nobody
but herself,
and she'll trample over anybody
just to get what she wants.
Look at how she treats Lionel.
How she is with Gabe. Kelsey.
Don't shoot the messenger, bruh.
Go on and put
your little bullshit magazine out.
Try and make your name off the efforts
of the only real ally we fucking have.
Whatever, man.
On his way?
No idea.
Shit. So things...
Wi-fi is acting crazy,
and anyway, this is your moment.
- Of judgment.
- Hmm.
Hey, Shid. How's Bechet?
- Good.
- We miss you at A-P.
That is nice to hear.
We should get coffee and catch up.
Mm-hmm. Oh.
So, how do these things work?
Uh, it's nothing.
You just watch and give feedback.
Will I be compensated?
What, hanging with me isn't enough?
Oh, Lionel.
Not really, no.
Okay, everyone.
Thank you for coming.
You're about to watch the beginning
of an unfinished student documentary.
Sorry, but the doors are locked.
I was promised a Griggins-athon.
I'm woefully late on getting
the green light to my junior thesis,
but hopefully when the faculty sees
what you're about to watch,
that changes.
I just... I want to know
if it moves you, bores you.
Just be honest.
The pyramid metaphor,
as told to me by someone wiser:
Humans are pyramid builders.
We organize ourselves into labor classes
to support...
...special people like gods, kings,
Beyoncé.
Join King Louis and myself,
by exploiting the proletariat
and eviscerating the middle class.
We do the work, they provide the vision
as well as the consequences
if things don't work out.
Do this with the celebrities,
the one percent.
- Straight people.
- Tyrannical magazine editors.
- Overly sensitive libtards.
- Right-wingers.
Ancient professors who've been so cruel
for so long that enrolling and enduring
in their abuse
is just another Ivy pastime.
Where I'm from,
my voice didn't matter to anyone
outside my family.
Even though you're in a place
designed to amplify your voice,
it turns out no one wants
to listen to a woman
unless she's saying
what they want to hear.
From above, the apex
of the pyramid look insignificant.
Your eye goes to the square,
and the lines that unite
each of its corners.
This is where most of us live.
God, I'm such a nerd.
That is not news, my sweet.
Shh.
There's a hot nerd on-screen.
Could the difference
between tyranny and freedom
be as simple as a change in perspective?
We haven't tried that yet.
You think they liked it?
We all loved it. Right, guys?
Yeah, loved it. Absolutely.
I heard the sound of my own voice,
and I somehow still loved it.
That's how much I loved it.
You're sweet.
- I...
- Sam, truly, I was amazing in this.
Great job getting out of the way
of my brilliance.
You should be proud. Keep going.
Thanks.
Well, thank God that was amazing.
Yeah, she really pulled it out.
I was worried I was gonna have to
compliment something inarguable
like the music and then run away.
- You don't run.
- No, I do not.
So, when do we get a sneak peek
of your genius?
Right now I have a tuition bill
due for the remainder of the year
that I have no idea how to pay.
Wait, because of the TA strike?
No.
No, the...
TA strike is the only card
I got left to play.
It's bad, Joe.
- Babe, you're gonna blow the panel away.
- Thanks.
- I'm so proud of you.
- So good.
- Thanks, guys.
- You really did it.
You guys are the best. So supportive.
Hey, I'll be back. But we're a thing.
Love us.
We're great.
Hey, Shid.
Um, don't forget about the coffee.
Just anywhere but Ways & Beans
'cause I feel like we've moved in there.
We don't have to do that thing
where we talk about getting coffee
instead of getting coffee.
Shid, I mean it, I miss you.
How can you miss someone
you barely even noticed?
Hey, babe.
Ready to go?
- Oh. Hey, Joe.
- Hey, Ikumi.
Hold on a second, baby.
Tell Reggie I said hi.
Wherever he is.
We should get out of here.
I'm tired of talking about pyramids.
Well, I can't lie.
Hearing you talk about pyramids?
Low-key a turn on.
Wish I could hang,
but I got to go.
I'm going to go return some videotapes.
Was that perfunctory or ironic?
Perfunctory or Ironic will be the name
of that one's autobiography.
Want some company?
Chester is clearly into this guy,
Brown Eyes.
- Hmm.
- But there's some baggage
holding him back in every issue.
The problem is, he never says what it is
to Brown Eyes or to anyone.
Spoiler alert.
It just seems so unfair...
to Brown Eyes.
You know?
So everyone knows it's me.
Your secret is safe for now.
D'unte has this...
working theory that it's your...
former editor, Silvio.
I feel like I...
just got my Gay-ED.
And I want to take the Michael class.
I just don't know if I have
enough prerequisites.
I have HIV,
and that scares you.
I enjoy your way with words,
but right now would be a great time
to just be direct.
I don't know how to say the things
I want to ask.
Just say it.
Just ask.
Or...
maybe you don't have the prerequisites.
How does it work?
Sex-wise. How does it work?
My meds do most of the work.
I'm undetectable.
I get tested every month,
and I only play safe
with partners who know my status.
Yeah, there's a theoretical risk.
Putting myself out there
has proven to be the riskiest part.
Probably why with someone I really like,
sex isn't my first priority.
No?
I think a good relationship...
is a safe space,
a place where two people
can be who they are,
and not be judged for it.
That,
it takes time to build with someone.
Look, Lionel,
you just let me know, okay?
♪ Every time I'm by myself ♪
♪ I wonder why
I can't help but misbehave ♪
♪ Just to keep you close ♪
Oh, my God!
Lionel, you okay?
Oh. I'm either in love or have Ebola.
Well, can you elaborate?
Because one of those is contagious.
Come in. Over here.
Oh, I didn't see this coming.
But, uh, you two have my support.
I mean,
that's what I'm supposed to say, right?
Alas, Lionel's heart belongs to another.
Well, there's plenty of fish
in the sea, son.
- Are you ready?
- Yeah. Let me put on my shoes.
Whoa. Moses Brown...
and Dr. Ruskin.
- Where'd you get this?
- Oh. It's research.
Dr. Edward Ruskin
was one of our greatest educators.
He just wasn't a good fit for Winchester.
- Son, you ready?
- Yeah, let's go.
Good to see you, Lionel.
Whoa.
It's a lot,
but I stand by it,
no matter what the fallout may be.
So, is this a black Illuminati situation?
Those amateurs.
Pops.
- Pops.
- Hmm?
Yeah.
Well...
I finally gave you some rope...
And I hang myself.
No, son, you're flying.
This really takes guts.
Why are you saying it
like you're giving an eulogy?
Look, we can't talk here.
Are you all right?
Yeah, it's a lot to digest.
It's important that you understand
what the Order is really capable of.
Son...
I am really proud of you.
No pressure,
but I thought you might want to see it.
And thanks.
I didn't do anything.
If you ever want to catch up, I'm here.
Aww.
You got the Holy Grail of recommendations
and you still weren't good enough.
Do you hear me, Colandrea?
Colandrea.
Coco? Coco? Coco?
Hey, Co.
You good?
Yeah.
You?
I've been better.
How's, um...
How's Muffy doing?
Been better.
Almost done, brother. Hang in there.
Quality control is a marathon.
Are you behind silencing Muffy?
The streets is talking.
First, have you ever heard of a segue?
Second,
when did I start caring about
what the streets are saying?
I think you care a lot.
What kind of threat silences the daughter
of a state senator?
Who has that kind of power?
Who you been talking to?
The question is,
who have you been talking to?
Did I tip you off?
What did I tell you about distractions?
You can't let people
take you off your game.
I worshipped you!
Hey, guys. Why don't you give us the room?
Go ahead.
Go. Go.
All right, come on, man.
You know how these girls are.
No.
No, I don't.
- Why don't you tell me?
- Look, you ever had too much to drink?
Maybe I'm remembering it...
differently than her.
But it was consensual.
You told me you stopped.
What are you doing?
Do you have any idea...
what you're walking away from?
I'm offering you more than anything
you could ever dream of.
- You understand that?
- No, thanks.
There are people
who don't want to see me win!
See us win!
You had it right the first time.
There are people
who don't want to see you win.
And motherfucker, now I'm one of them.
What do you want?
- Joe, I'm sorry.
- Sorry, angry, miserable, stuck.
Look, I'm done upending my entire life
to make yours tolerable.
- Is that what you've been doing?
- Yes!
You treat me like a video game.
You fuck with me till you fall asleep
and leave me going,
"Are you still playing?
Are you still playing?"
Girl, I finally watched the doc on Shamu
and I'm ready to make some changes to...
Oh.
How long
have you been feeling like this?
Since always.
Then why didn't you tell me?
Because if I'm not perfect,
then you'll fall apart!
Will I?
Or will you?
I finally confronted Moses.
You were right.
You were making him great.
It wasn't the other way around.
I'm sorry.
Daphne!
Gas up the Mystery Machine.
We're about to crack this case.
All right... Okay...
I don't drive.
Have fun at your little adventure!
Did you tell him about all this?
I don't mean to be vulgar,
but he has been inside me.
That's really visual.
Oh.
- Don't ring the doorbell!
- Why not?
We don't know whose house
this could be.
Velma, chill.
Moses and I joined the Order
when we were in grad school.
A decade later,
we were both up for tenure
at Winchester,
a place where my great-great-grandfather
was a slave.
We felt like we were really...
changing things.
Dean Fairbanks said
Winchester wasn't a good fit for you.
Well, Walter didn't know why you asked.
The directory says you're on sabbatical.
Does anyone know you're still here?
Have you made contact with the young lady?
Muffy?
Muffy.
On the nose,
but that's her name.
Moses' predilection for...
impressionable subordinates
has never waned.
This happened before with Moses.
And the Order swept it under the rug,
just like it's doing now.
A powerful faction within the Order,
one obsessed with gaining
and protecting status and wealth.
It has infected the entire organization,
but there are still a few of us
who are still fighting for what's right.
When I met you at the bell tower,
I saw a spark in your eyes
that I never thought I'd see again.
You wanted us to join your faction
to help right the Order.
Why didn't you just say that?
The power of the Order
is in the dream
of what the Order can be.
I was afraid to tell you what it was.
Another well-intentioned idea ruined...
by tribalism.
Just how powerful are these people?
Well, come on. I'll show you.
These are all the members?
I had a decorator come
and spruce things up.
I have no idea who these people are.
Of course they are.
Wait, he's in it?
- She's in it.
- Well, like I said,
powerful people.
They probably threatened
this young girl's academic future.
Children of politicians
have a treasure trove of secrets
to be controlled by.
I'm not gonna lie,
it's kind of low-key lit
that a group of fancy black people
have this much influence.
Nothing like the Illuminati.
Those white people is crazy.
I apologize for all the subterfuge,
but when the Order sees a threat coming,
it neutralizes it.
So, what?
This is the part
where you ask us to join again?
This is the part where I ask you
to forget about all of this.
The Order, Moses.
And when you can forgive me
for upending your lives,
forget me, too.
The only voice you need in your head
is your own.
"Kill the narrator."
Well, yes.
I saw a film today.
It was a little rough around the edges,
but...
it gave me hope that the ideals the Order
was founded on
might survive.
Wow. You saw my...
Griggins Tells the Truth.
Skyler's best work.
Now, remember.
If you ever tell anyone anything
about what we discussed today,
I'll have to kill you.
You're kidding.
Let's never have to find out.
Oh!
♪ Rapping as I'm mocking deaf rock stars
Wearing synthetic wigs... ♪
Would you sign this for me?
Either name.
Keep following the truth,
wherever it may lead you.
♪ This nigga Jasper trying to get grown
About 5'7"... ♪
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Have a nice evening.
♪ While Syd is telling me
That she's been getting intimate... ♪
So, uh...
is Gabe going to come back, or...?
I met Professor Brown
when I was an undergrad at Yale.
I worshipped him.
Even when things... escalated,
I was more afraid of believing
he was capable of these things
than of what happened.
So, I get that what I'm saying
is hard to hear, but...
Tell your story.
Or they will.
Okay.
I felt...
anger...
when I read this.
And at first I thought it was
because Brooke used my namesake
to say some cray-ass shit, but...
then I realized I was really mad
at the fact that
everyone was so trapped
in their little hatreds
that they never had a chance
to see their way out.
To be honest, it relit something in me
I wondered if I'd lost.
Real talk, I let some hateful people
convince me
that my anger was the same as hate, but...
if you've ever loved anything,
the world will make you angry.
And then, what is justice
if there is no anger?
As God is my witness,
I'm going to find that goddamn dog!
Yo, I worked on the issue,
and I'm proud of it,
but I also felt same kind of way
when I read Brooke's story, too.
I was like, "Why does the white Moses dude
have to 'talk black'?"
You calling him a phony, or...?
Everyone knows about code-switching.
Everyone but Al, actually.
I know the work raises
some uncomfortable questions,
but we still have to ask them.
Whoever told you life
would be comfortable...
...lied to you.
Yeah.
And sometimes you just need to grow up,
and accept that you'll have to deal
with negative feelings.
You're right,
but isn't the point of political satire
to illuminate a better way?
Must it be one thing or another?
Good or bad?
Pass or fail?
I think we have to be capable
of holding a space
for the bad...
and good
in a person or a thing.
Devil's advocate, though.
Can't you hear how that may make you
sound like an apologist?
Yeah, well, there's no excuse
for what Moses did.
At all.
But Kübler-Ross said
that there's five stages of grief.
I mean, I'm no psych major,
but Al is and I'm way smarter than Al,
so...
Denial.
Anger.
Bargaining.
Depression.
And...
then acceptance.
And sometimes back again.
I just wish that I was able
to get through those stages faster,
but, um...
sometimes all a person has is a hero.
Muffy...
I am so sorry.
Thank you.
Well, um...
I just want to thank everyone for sharing.
And Troy
for giving us so much to talk about.
And Brooke.
Do we really need to thank Brooke
more than she's already thanked herself?
- Of course.
- Yeah.
- Sorry to keep you waiting.
- Oh. Are you?
'Cause I thought we agreed that you would
take her starting at 3:00 p.m. sharp.
Where's my child support money?
Well, you know...
- It's... coming.
- Hmm.
Yeah.
So how are you and Gabe?
We're good.
Great, actually.
Well, good.
It's nice to have you here.
Thanks.
Hey, so...
I'm not going to do
Dear White People anymore.
Whoa.
Did Rikki get to you?
No, it was Dereca.
She has this thing called a Truth Bomb,
and I'm not entirely sure that it works,
but I'm going to give it a go.
Um...
So, look, I think that I thought
I was being a friend,
and it was fun,
but it's just not a shoe that fits.
And honestly, I've never been the type
to share shoes,
'cause that shit is gross.
But...
can we still be friends or nah?
Damn.
I mean, yes, of course. Yes.
I get it.
It's just...
am I ready to Kübler-Ross my way
this instant to letting it go?
Who says you have to?
You're not her,
you're not trying to be her.
Yeah, okay.
Wait, which her?
Well, girl, there's Jamila, Rikki,
Coco low-key...
- Bitch, you saying I got patterns?
- Ha.
Like a chess boardt.
- Wow. 'Cause it's black and white.
- Yeah, you got it.
- Yeah.
- Damn.
Oh.
Like, who's a playwright major
at an Ivy...
with that muscle tone? Ugh.
Michael.
E-fucking-gad!
Ugh!
I am into him. Mmm.
I can tell.
You really think it's going to work?
I mean, I hope it will.
Well, that is just fucking awesome.
It's great. Super happy.
Well, school stuff.
- You know how that is, girl.
- I sure do, bitch!
Okay, bitch!
What the hell just happened?
It's like our eyes
could see each other's subtext
but kept that information from our mouths.
And I just said, "I sure do, bitch,"
and it actually sounded credible.
We need to talk.
Dear White People, that taco you're eating
was made by immigrants.
Dear Ted Cruz, your real name
is Rafael and you're Cuban,
you fucking sellout.
♪ Taken me this long
To finally realize I'm fantastic ♪
♪ I used to write my little raps
They'd always look right past it ♪
♪ Like it's average ♪
Wassup?
♪ Porque yo tengo el "Yo no sé acá" ♪
♪ Flow que mata, ah ♪
♪ El que dirá♪
♪ A mí me vale, critica ♪
♪ Yo soy la fuckin' Mexicana
Muy honesta la chava ♪
♪ Yo no ando con pendejadas
Aquí rifan las barras ♪
♪ A mí me dijo mi madre
Que yo nunca me raje ♪
♪ Que no hable el que no sabe
Nosotros somos de calle ♪
♪ Hasta en mi territorio
Yo traigo llave y se abre ♪
♪ Lo que quiero yo tengo
Ah, punto y aparte ♪
♪ Plus I got a bitch in my DMs ♪
♪ Talkin' 'bout where her man ♪
♪ Talkin' 'bout he comment..
♪ I just tell my friends y se ríen ♪
♪ Bitch, I jaja con jota
Hahaha with the J ♪
♪ I speak English and Spanish
I'm bilingual all day ♪
♪ Fuck Trump
Wait, oops, that slipped out ♪
♪ Man, I never know
Who's in this crowd ♪
♪ Need a prayer... ♪
♪ Never really know... ♪
♪ Ni de aquí ni de allá
A mí me gustan los dos ♪
♪ Mucha crema a tus tacos
Y se te quema el arroz ♪
♪ ¿Hola, qué tal? ♪
♪ ¿Dime, cómo están?
Yo ni soy de aquí ni soy de allá♪
♪ ¿Hola, qué tal? ♪
Woo-hoo!
Congratulations.
You've escaped the tyranny of four years
under a profoundly qualified
and eloquent leader.
Hope it's worth ruining what's left
of democracy by putting a reality star
in the Black House.
Preach, sister!
Dear black people:
Yes, we can still share Drake,
but I don't care how much
your president says it,
you can't have "cracka."
I hear it come out your mouth,
you're getting a punch in the throat.
Now,
don't sing along to this.
♪ Well, some might call me
A good time fella ♪
♪ I ain't black and I ain't yella ♪
♪ Just a white boy lookin' for a place
To do my thing ♪
I have a confession to make.
I've been binge-watching 7th Heaven.
Abigail!
So many underaged girls were harmed
in the making of that program.
Where else can I see true white love?
No offense. You and Reggie are adorable.
It's just that the most attention
I've ever gotten from a black man
is when Professor Jenkins covered
the European slave trade.
♪ What you say? ♪
Ugh.
Adult contemporary?
A sure sign black people have invaded
our once-safe space.
Did they just... mean-mug us?
Of course they did.
Do you know what kind of fire you started
with your whiter-than-thou vitriol?
One sadly not big enough to take hold
of whatever you've got attached
to your head.
A hype man has the nuclear codes
because people in the middle
of the country
can't tell the difference
between reality TV and the news.
We now go live at a Flav rally
in the US capital of Atlanta.
Yeah, boy!
That's right, I'm the president
round this bitch right now,
you know what I'm saying?
And y'all gon' listen to me!
'Cause I wear the motherfucking clock
around here.
A'ight!
Imagine what kind of nonsense
this clown will inspire.
I'm going on strike.
From what? Class?
Whatever it takes.
The first order of business
that I will conduct
is to build a wall around this bitch,
a'ight?
And who's gon' pay for that motherfucker?
Canada!
America is gonna be special reserve
'cause we where the party at.
Someone get this nigga off the TV.
How come you can say "nigga,"
but if someone says the C-word...
Neck punches. I've been over this.
Hey, that's reverse racism, Sam.
Hey, President Flav
wasn't my first choice,
but he and Hillary have both
had their cons, you have to admit.
Their cons?
Only one of them has their original teeth.
Fuck.
I hope there's an alternate reality
where this white lady achieves her dreams.
All right, let's cut this off.
White student union has the lounge.
Can you imagine the outrage
if there were a black student union?
Okay, okay.
You know how I feel about PDA.
Sorry!
Couldn't help myself.
How you doing?
Black day for the nation,
but, uh, what else is new?
Well, a few of us
are going to go talk to Professor Brown
about this backdoor integration of A-P.
The nation's fucked,
so we're focusing on local politics.
Well, uh...
- let me know how it goes.
- Okay.
Good to see you, Reginald.
White culture is on the verge
of extinction, we need...
Integration of A-P was supposed
to be temporary, for Christ's sake.
The sound of a saxophone dying
they call "jazz"
is making it impossible to study.
Did you come to talk to me
or to each other?
Because brother's missing
mac-n-cheese day at Bechet.
Yeah, mac-n-cheese without breadcrumbs?
- That's a hard pass.
- Come on, now.
I got something big
to deal with this A-P situation.
We got to go back to our roots,
and do what our people have always done
in times of strife.
How is a hootenanny
going to de-integrate A-P?
Not that. We got to sue.
Just like White v. Board of Education.
That's what I'm talking about!
The ACLU has agreed to represent us.
I just need signatures from all
the WSU members to authorize,
and we can make A-P white again
before the semester is out.
Well, shoot!
I believe the question
you really want answered is:
why is there a wall around your heart?
Am I right?
- No.
- Yes.
No.
Yes!
See, America?
Divisiveness.
Next question.
Damn, Dereca.
I can't believe so many people
are playing into this.
Oh, no?
It's almost like you and I attend
two totally different schools.
He has a right to his anger.
Things will calm back down around here
once you get A-P back.
Yeah.
What's up?
We need to talk.
- You know Joelle Brooks?
- What about her?
She's saying something happened...
with Professor Brown.
Something? Like what?
He made a pass... at her.
More than a pass.
Come on! Are you kidding?
Like this country doesn't have a history
of black women accusing white men?
You think I want to be the one
to bring this to you?
I know how much Moses means to you
and the movement.
He was important to her, too.
Look...
I wouldn't bring this to you
if I wasn't absolutely sure.
She is always talking crap.
I mean, I know you have a thing
for dark meat, Sam,
but how can you believe this
without the evidence?
She has a ripped dress.
And she said she was blackout drunk
after one glass of wine.
She probably just got black girl wasted
and she's too embarrassed to admit it.
This is Reggie we're talking about.
- He wouldn't lie.
- So, what?
We're just going to give them Moses?
Let them take A-P?
Rearm the security staff?
After all we fought for,
we're going to let them win?
Even if Professor Brown
made a little mistake...
This wasn't a mistake.
Build that wall!
Build that wall! Build that wall!
Well, then.
I think we all know exactly
what we have to do.
Fuck.
Yeah.
We have to kill Joelle.
- We can make it look like food poisoning.
- That's a good idea.
I have an in at the lab
where they keep all the shrooms.
Wait, even the fun ones?
Focus.
We'll celebrate after the murder.
Yeah.
I didn't want you
to have to read it with everyone else.
I make it a habit to avoid Brooke's
fan fiction.
It's more than that, Reg.
So what are y'all trying to say?
That black folks
can't see past their own hero worship?
Sometimes.
Reggie, I'm right there with you, man.
This shit ain't easy.
Bro, I'm not a sucker.
Okay? And if y'all are trying to make
some statement against the real Moses,
you should know Muffy said
nothing happened.
I think she's being silenced.
Either by the admin
or by someone in particular.
Silenced.
What, Brooke told you that?
Huh?
Brooke don't care about nobody
but herself,
and she'll trample over anybody
just to get what she wants.
Look at how she treats Lionel.
How she is with Gabe. Kelsey.
Don't shoot the messenger, bruh.
Go on and put
your little bullshit magazine out.
Try and make your name off the efforts
of the only real ally we fucking have.
Whatever, man.
On his way?
No idea.
Shit. So things...
Wi-fi is acting crazy,
and anyway, this is your moment.
- Of judgment.
- Hmm.
Hey, Shid. How's Bechet?
- Good.
- We miss you at A-P.
That is nice to hear.
We should get coffee and catch up.
Mm-hmm. Oh.
So, how do these things work?
Uh, it's nothing.
You just watch and give feedback.
Will I be compensated?
What, hanging with me isn't enough?
Oh, Lionel.
Not really, no.
Okay, everyone.
Thank you for coming.
You're about to watch the beginning
of an unfinished student documentary.
Sorry, but the doors are locked.
I was promised a Griggins-athon.
I'm woefully late on getting
the green light to my junior thesis,
but hopefully when the faculty sees
what you're about to watch,
that changes.
I just... I want to know
if it moves you, bores you.
Just be honest.
The pyramid metaphor,
as told to me by someone wiser:
Humans are pyramid builders.
We organize ourselves into labor classes
to support...
...special people like gods, kings,
Beyoncé.
Join King Louis and myself,
by exploiting the proletariat
and eviscerating the middle class.
We do the work, they provide the vision
as well as the consequences
if things don't work out.
Do this with the celebrities,
the one percent.
- Straight people.
- Tyrannical magazine editors.
- Overly sensitive libtards.
- Right-wingers.
Ancient professors who've been so cruel
for so long that enrolling and enduring
in their abuse
is just another Ivy pastime.
Where I'm from,
my voice didn't matter to anyone
outside my family.
Even though you're in a place
designed to amplify your voice,
it turns out no one wants
to listen to a woman
unless she's saying
what they want to hear.
From above, the apex
of the pyramid look insignificant.
Your eye goes to the square,
and the lines that unite
each of its corners.
This is where most of us live.
God, I'm such a nerd.
That is not news, my sweet.
Shh.
There's a hot nerd on-screen.
Could the difference
between tyranny and freedom
be as simple as a change in perspective?
We haven't tried that yet.
You think they liked it?
We all loved it. Right, guys?
Yeah, loved it. Absolutely.
I heard the sound of my own voice,
and I somehow still loved it.
That's how much I loved it.
You're sweet.
- I...
- Sam, truly, I was amazing in this.
Great job getting out of the way
of my brilliance.
You should be proud. Keep going.
Thanks.
Well, thank God that was amazing.
Yeah, she really pulled it out.
I was worried I was gonna have to
compliment something inarguable
like the music and then run away.
- You don't run.
- No, I do not.
So, when do we get a sneak peek
of your genius?
Right now I have a tuition bill
due for the remainder of the year
that I have no idea how to pay.
Wait, because of the TA strike?
No.
No, the...
TA strike is the only card
I got left to play.
It's bad, Joe.
- Babe, you're gonna blow the panel away.
- Thanks.
- I'm so proud of you.
- So good.
- Thanks, guys.
- You really did it.
You guys are the best. So supportive.
Hey, I'll be back. But we're a thing.
Love us.
We're great.
Hey, Shid.
Um, don't forget about the coffee.
Just anywhere but Ways & Beans
'cause I feel like we've moved in there.
We don't have to do that thing
where we talk about getting coffee
instead of getting coffee.
Shid, I mean it, I miss you.
How can you miss someone
you barely even noticed?
Hey, babe.
Ready to go?
- Oh. Hey, Joe.
- Hey, Ikumi.
Hold on a second, baby.
Tell Reggie I said hi.
Wherever he is.
We should get out of here.
I'm tired of talking about pyramids.
Well, I can't lie.
Hearing you talk about pyramids?
Low-key a turn on.
Wish I could hang,
but I got to go.
I'm going to go return some videotapes.
Was that perfunctory or ironic?
Perfunctory or Ironic will be the name
of that one's autobiography.
Want some company?
Chester is clearly into this guy,
Brown Eyes.
- Hmm.
- But there's some baggage
holding him back in every issue.
The problem is, he never says what it is
to Brown Eyes or to anyone.
Spoiler alert.
It just seems so unfair...
to Brown Eyes.
You know?
So everyone knows it's me.
Your secret is safe for now.
D'unte has this...
working theory that it's your...
former editor, Silvio.
I feel like I...
just got my Gay-ED.
And I want to take the Michael class.
I just don't know if I have
enough prerequisites.
I have HIV,
and that scares you.
I enjoy your way with words,
but right now would be a great time
to just be direct.
I don't know how to say the things
I want to ask.
Just say it.
Just ask.
Or...
maybe you don't have the prerequisites.
How does it work?
Sex-wise. How does it work?
My meds do most of the work.
I'm undetectable.
I get tested every month,
and I only play safe
with partners who know my status.
Yeah, there's a theoretical risk.
Putting myself out there
has proven to be the riskiest part.
Probably why with someone I really like,
sex isn't my first priority.
No?
I think a good relationship...
is a safe space,
a place where two people
can be who they are,
and not be judged for it.
That,
it takes time to build with someone.
Look, Lionel,
you just let me know, okay?
♪ Every time I'm by myself ♪
♪ I wonder why
I can't help but misbehave ♪
♪ Just to keep you close ♪
Oh, my God!
Lionel, you okay?
Oh. I'm either in love or have Ebola.
Well, can you elaborate?
Because one of those is contagious.
Come in. Over here.
Oh, I didn't see this coming.
But, uh, you two have my support.
I mean,
that's what I'm supposed to say, right?
Alas, Lionel's heart belongs to another.
Well, there's plenty of fish
in the sea, son.
- Are you ready?
- Yeah. Let me put on my shoes.
Whoa. Moses Brown...
and Dr. Ruskin.
- Where'd you get this?
- Oh. It's research.
Dr. Edward Ruskin
was one of our greatest educators.
He just wasn't a good fit for Winchester.
- Son, you ready?
- Yeah, let's go.
Good to see you, Lionel.
Whoa.
It's a lot,
but I stand by it,
no matter what the fallout may be.
So, is this a black Illuminati situation?
Those amateurs.
Pops.
- Pops.
- Hmm?
Yeah.
Well...
I finally gave you some rope...
And I hang myself.
No, son, you're flying.
This really takes guts.
Why are you saying it
like you're giving an eulogy?
Look, we can't talk here.
Are you all right?
Yeah, it's a lot to digest.
It's important that you understand
what the Order is really capable of.
Son...
I am really proud of you.
No pressure,
but I thought you might want to see it.
And thanks.
I didn't do anything.
If you ever want to catch up, I'm here.
Aww.
You got the Holy Grail of recommendations
and you still weren't good enough.
Do you hear me, Colandrea?
Colandrea.
Coco? Coco? Coco?
Hey, Co.
You good?
Yeah.
You?
I've been better.
How's, um...
How's Muffy doing?
Been better.
Almost done, brother. Hang in there.
Quality control is a marathon.
Are you behind silencing Muffy?
The streets is talking.
First, have you ever heard of a segue?
Second,
when did I start caring about
what the streets are saying?
I think you care a lot.
What kind of threat silences the daughter
of a state senator?
Who has that kind of power?
Who you been talking to?
The question is,
who have you been talking to?
Did I tip you off?
What did I tell you about distractions?
You can't let people
take you off your game.
I worshipped you!
Hey, guys. Why don't you give us the room?
Go ahead.
Go. Go.
All right, come on, man.
You know how these girls are.
No.
No, I don't.
- Why don't you tell me?
- Look, you ever had too much to drink?
Maybe I'm remembering it...
differently than her.
But it was consensual.
You told me you stopped.
What are you doing?
Do you have any idea...
what you're walking away from?
I'm offering you more than anything
you could ever dream of.
- You understand that?
- No, thanks.
There are people
who don't want to see me win!
See us win!
You had it right the first time.
There are people
who don't want to see you win.
And motherfucker, now I'm one of them.
What do you want?
- Joe, I'm sorry.
- Sorry, angry, miserable, stuck.
Look, I'm done upending my entire life
to make yours tolerable.
- Is that what you've been doing?
- Yes!
You treat me like a video game.
You fuck with me till you fall asleep
and leave me going,
"Are you still playing?
Are you still playing?"
Girl, I finally watched the doc on Shamu
and I'm ready to make some changes to...
Oh.
How long
have you been feeling like this?
Since always.
Then why didn't you tell me?
Because if I'm not perfect,
then you'll fall apart!
Will I?
Or will you?
I finally confronted Moses.
You were right.
You were making him great.
It wasn't the other way around.
I'm sorry.
Daphne!
Gas up the Mystery Machine.
We're about to crack this case.
All right... Okay...
I don't drive.
Have fun at your little adventure!
Did you tell him about all this?
I don't mean to be vulgar,
but he has been inside me.
That's really visual.
Oh.
- Don't ring the doorbell!
- Why not?
We don't know whose house
this could be.
Velma, chill.
Moses and I joined the Order
when we were in grad school.
A decade later,
we were both up for tenure
at Winchester,
a place where my great-great-grandfather
was a slave.
We felt like we were really...
changing things.
Dean Fairbanks said
Winchester wasn't a good fit for you.
Well, Walter didn't know why you asked.
The directory says you're on sabbatical.
Does anyone know you're still here?
Have you made contact with the young lady?
Muffy?
Muffy.
On the nose,
but that's her name.
Moses' predilection for...
impressionable subordinates
has never waned.
This happened before with Moses.
And the Order swept it under the rug,
just like it's doing now.
A powerful faction within the Order,
one obsessed with gaining
and protecting status and wealth.
It has infected the entire organization,
but there are still a few of us
who are still fighting for what's right.
When I met you at the bell tower,
I saw a spark in your eyes
that I never thought I'd see again.
You wanted us to join your faction
to help right the Order.
Why didn't you just say that?
The power of the Order
is in the dream
of what the Order can be.
I was afraid to tell you what it was.
Another well-intentioned idea ruined...
by tribalism.
Just how powerful are these people?
Well, come on. I'll show you.
These are all the members?
I had a decorator come
and spruce things up.
I have no idea who these people are.
Of course they are.
Wait, he's in it?
- She's in it.
- Well, like I said,
powerful people.
They probably threatened
this young girl's academic future.
Children of politicians
have a treasure trove of secrets
to be controlled by.
I'm not gonna lie,
it's kind of low-key lit
that a group of fancy black people
have this much influence.
Nothing like the Illuminati.
Those white people is crazy.
I apologize for all the subterfuge,
but when the Order sees a threat coming,
it neutralizes it.
So, what?
This is the part
where you ask us to join again?
This is the part where I ask you
to forget about all of this.
The Order, Moses.
And when you can forgive me
for upending your lives,
forget me, too.
The only voice you need in your head
is your own.
"Kill the narrator."
Well, yes.
I saw a film today.
It was a little rough around the edges,
but...
it gave me hope that the ideals the Order
was founded on
might survive.
Wow. You saw my...
Griggins Tells the Truth.
Skyler's best work.
Now, remember.
If you ever tell anyone anything
about what we discussed today,
I'll have to kill you.
You're kidding.
Let's never have to find out.
Oh!
♪ Rapping as I'm mocking deaf rock stars
Wearing synthetic wigs... ♪
Would you sign this for me?
Either name.
Keep following the truth,
wherever it may lead you.
♪ This nigga Jasper trying to get grown
About 5'7"... ♪
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Have a nice evening.
♪ While Syd is telling me
That she's been getting intimate... ♪
So, uh...
is Gabe going to come back, or...?
I met Professor Brown
when I was an undergrad at Yale.
I worshipped him.
Even when things... escalated,
I was more afraid of believing
he was capable of these things
than of what happened.
So, I get that what I'm saying
is hard to hear, but...
Tell your story.
Or they will.
Okay.
I felt...
anger...
when I read this.
And at first I thought it was
because Brooke used my namesake
to say some cray-ass shit, but...
then I realized I was really mad
at the fact that
everyone was so trapped
in their little hatreds
that they never had a chance
to see their way out.
To be honest, it relit something in me
I wondered if I'd lost.
Real talk, I let some hateful people
convince me
that my anger was the same as hate, but...
if you've ever loved anything,
the world will make you angry.
And then, what is justice
if there is no anger?
As God is my witness,
I'm going to find that goddamn dog!
Yo, I worked on the issue,
and I'm proud of it,
but I also felt same kind of way
when I read Brooke's story, too.
I was like, "Why does the white Moses dude
have to 'talk black'?"
You calling him a phony, or...?
Everyone knows about code-switching.
Everyone but Al, actually.
I know the work raises
some uncomfortable questions,
but we still have to ask them.
Whoever told you life
would be comfortable...
...lied to you.
Yeah.
And sometimes you just need to grow up,
and accept that you'll have to deal
with negative feelings.
You're right,
but isn't the point of political satire
to illuminate a better way?
Must it be one thing or another?
Good or bad?
Pass or fail?
I think we have to be capable
of holding a space
for the bad...
and good
in a person or a thing.
Devil's advocate, though.
Can't you hear how that may make you
sound like an apologist?
Yeah, well, there's no excuse
for what Moses did.
At all.
But Kübler-Ross said
that there's five stages of grief.
I mean, I'm no psych major,
but Al is and I'm way smarter than Al,
so...
Denial.
Anger.
Bargaining.
Depression.
And...
then acceptance.
And sometimes back again.
I just wish that I was able
to get through those stages faster,
but, um...
sometimes all a person has is a hero.
Muffy...
I am so sorry.
Thank you.
Well, um...
I just want to thank everyone for sharing.
And Troy
for giving us so much to talk about.
And Brooke.
Do we really need to thank Brooke
more than she's already thanked herself?
- Of course.
- Yeah.
- Sorry to keep you waiting.
- Oh. Are you?
'Cause I thought we agreed that you would
take her starting at 3:00 p.m. sharp.
Where's my child support money?
Well, you know...
- It's... coming.
- Hmm.
Yeah.
So how are you and Gabe?
We're good.
Great, actually.
Well, good.
It's nice to have you here.
Thanks.
Hey, so...
I'm not going to do
Dear White People anymore.
Whoa.
Did Rikki get to you?
No, it was Dereca.
She has this thing called a Truth Bomb,
and I'm not entirely sure that it works,
but I'm going to give it a go.
Um...
So, look, I think that I thought
I was being a friend,
and it was fun,
but it's just not a shoe that fits.
And honestly, I've never been the type
to share shoes,
'cause that shit is gross.
But...
can we still be friends or nah?
Damn.
I mean, yes, of course. Yes.
I get it.
It's just...
am I ready to Kübler-Ross my way
this instant to letting it go?
Who says you have to?
You're not her,
you're not trying to be her.
Yeah, okay.
Wait, which her?
Well, girl, there's Jamila, Rikki,
Coco low-key...
- Bitch, you saying I got patterns?
- Ha.
Like a chess boardt.
- Wow. 'Cause it's black and white.
- Yeah, you got it.
- Yeah.
- Damn.
Oh.
Like, who's a playwright major
at an Ivy...
with that muscle tone? Ugh.
Michael.
E-fucking-gad!
Ugh!
I am into him. Mmm.
I can tell.
You really think it's going to work?
I mean, I hope it will.
Well, that is just fucking awesome.
It's great. Super happy.
Well, school stuff.
- You know how that is, girl.
- I sure do, bitch!
Okay, bitch!
What the hell just happened?
It's like our eyes
could see each other's subtext
but kept that information from our mouths.
And I just said, "I sure do, bitch,"
and it actually sounded credible.
We need to talk.
Dear White People, that taco you're eating
was made by immigrants.
Dear Ted Cruz, your real name
is Rafael and you're Cuban,
you fucking sellout.
♪ Taken me this long
To finally realize I'm fantastic ♪
♪ I used to write my little raps
They'd always look right past it ♪
♪ Like it's average ♪
Wassup?
♪ Porque yo tengo el "Yo no sé acá" ♪
♪ Flow que mata, ah ♪
♪ El que dirá♪
♪ A mí me vale, critica ♪
♪ Yo soy la fuckin' Mexicana
Muy honesta la chava ♪
♪ Yo no ando con pendejadas
Aquí rifan las barras ♪
♪ A mí me dijo mi madre
Que yo nunca me raje ♪
♪ Que no hable el que no sabe
Nosotros somos de calle ♪
♪ Hasta en mi territorio
Yo traigo llave y se abre ♪
♪ Lo que quiero yo tengo
Ah, punto y aparte ♪
♪ Plus I got a bitch in my DMs ♪
♪ Talkin' 'bout where her man ♪
♪ Talkin' 'bout he comment..
♪ I just tell my friends y se ríen ♪
♪ Bitch, I jaja con jota
Hahaha with the J ♪
♪ I speak English and Spanish
I'm bilingual all day ♪
♪ Fuck Trump
Wait, oops, that slipped out ♪
♪ Man, I never know
Who's in this crowd ♪
♪ Need a prayer... ♪
♪ Never really know... ♪
♪ Ni de aquí ni de allá
A mí me gustan los dos ♪
♪ Mucha crema a tus tacos
Y se te quema el arroz ♪
♪ ¿Hola, qué tal? ♪
♪ ¿Dime, cómo están?
Yo ni soy de aquí ni soy de allá♪
♪ ¿Hola, qué tal? ♪
Woo-hoo!