Dear White People (2017–…): Season 1, Episode 9 - Chapter IX - full transcript

[classical music playing]

[Muffy] Everything we do is
on the off chance

it'll help us get laid by a guy

who might make one
of us first fucking lady someday

so we actually have a shot
at leaving our mark

on this ass-backwards, patriarchal,

corporate republic we call a country.

Pull it together, Muffy.

-[Muffy] Okay.
-[man] Hey, you. [chuckles]

Mm.

[narrator] It's been said
that behind every great man



is a great woman.

It's been said so often,
Coco actually believed it.

In fact, there was no version of her plan

that didn't involve a great man.

I came across your prep school yearbook.
Thought you might like to have it.

[narrator] One such man
was Leonard McCullen,

a noted philanthropist
who plucked a brilliant

but understimulated Coco

from Chicago's inner-city schools,

helping her channel her ambition

to become the first
in her family to go to college.

[Coco] Life plan?
I forgot I even did this.

Thinking about law schools yet?

What are you waiting for?



I had a good time with you.

Me too.

So what are you looking for?

I mean, I don't really believe in looking,
you know?

I'd just like to...

[narrator] Yeah, yeah. Of course,
Coco knew this was white boy for...

You and I both know I could never
bring you home

to my parents, but I'd love to hook up,

so I could tell my buddies what it was
like to taste your dark chocolate,

-you know what I'm saying?
-Sounds good, Todd. Call you.

[narrator] It was times like these

Coco seriously questioned
why her dating pool

resembled the audience
at a John Mayer concert.

-[Coco] Sorry I'm late.
-We just finished.

It's hard having a budget meeting

-without our treasurer.
-Calm down, James.

You'll have the whole night
to jerk off to Sean Hannity.

We have a deadline for this budget, Co.

Well, what are you doing later?

[Coco] If we consolidate these two events,

we could end up with a surplus.

Mm-hmm.

[narrator] Despite his short
attention span,

paltry GPA and the fact that
he rejected her freshman year,

Troy was a legacy kid who had the access

a girl like Coco could really get behind.

See something you like?

[narrator] In other words,

Troy had what it took to check her box.

Who do you think you are,
you traitorous motherfucker?

That's not rhetorical.

You made Troy look like
a drunk overwhelmed boy.

-So you saw the article.
-Are you trying to be funny?

Look, can we not do this
in front of people?

You didn't keep your article to yourself.

I'm not keeping my opinion to myself.

Look, I didn't do it to betray him, okay?

People needed to see
that even someone like Troy

and a kid like Reggie are one
and the same.

And the fact that you would
air his dirty laundry and betray him--

I didn't betray him.

Look, Coco, he told me a lot more.

I could have written a lot more.

Like what?

Look, I don't feel like it's right for me

-to divulge Troy's personal business.
-What's going on?

I was just here enjoying the pan sausage,

and Coco was here and loud, scary.

He wasn't talking to you.
What the hell is wrong with you?

Why would you say these things?
What were you thinking?

None of these questions are rhetorical.

Coco, I was just answering a few questions
that Lionel had for me.

You want to run away
and never speak to him again?

He's the dean and your father.

This is not how you work the press.

No one needs to know that your daddy
didn't wish you happy birthday.

You need to calm down.

No, you need to calm down.

Wait.

Why are you so calm?

I just came from seeing my dad.

Look, I thought he was
gonna give me a lecture,

and instead, he gave me this watch.

So...

we good?

Oh, no, we gonna talk.

But, yeah, you can go off
and finish your pan sausage.

[sighs] So what happened?

[sighs] It was really weird.

He had actually read the article
and was all nice about it.

He even insinuated he loves me.

Then he invited me to some big donor thing
because he wants me to get more involved.

And less like a puppet.

Wow. How long you been sitting
on that one?

-Hmm.
-And to think

I was going to invite you.

Oh, that's so cute.
You think you have a choice.

Yeah, you won't believe where we're going.

[Coco] The Hancocks?

Students don't get to meet the Hancocks.

This is the inner, inner circle.

We'll be involved in the biggest decisions
at Winchester.

I have some initial thoughts.

Then next year,
I'll become student body president.

You'll move up to student chair
on the board of trustees.

And when we graduate,
we'll have our pick of law schools.

We'll both go to Columbia, of course,

because we have to live in New York,

and NYU is a joke.

Ooh, and when we're in Washington,

you'll work on the Hill,
and I'll be a hotshot lobbyist.

-Mm.
-Ooh.

Mm.

I wonder if that's a conflict of interest.

I'll do some research.

And eventually the White House.

-Or I'll run.
-Ooh.

No, you first.

At the inauguration,
Jason Wu will design a gown so regal

that when Kate Middleton sees it,

she's gonna shit her britches.

[Troy moans]

[Coco] How do you feel about kids?

Hypothetically.

I'm thinking a girl and a boy,
three years apart,

Penelope and Prescott.

Hypothetically. I'm on the pill.

[both moaning]

-Oh!
-[Coco screams]

-[Coco] Oh, my God.
-Oh, shit.

[Coco] I need you to leave.

Now.

Coco, I don't care about the wig.

-What wig?
-[chuckles]

-Coco...
-[whimpers]

Colandrea.

The hair is great,
but I have always dug the girl wearing it.

Keep going. You're on the right track.

[Troy sighs]

Better?

There she is.

Look, you know you'd still be fine as hell
with no hair at all.

I mean, don't get, like,
a baldy or anything.

[Coco chuckles]

[chattering]

Coco.

Wow.

Thank you.

[Coco chuckles softly]

[laughing]

[woman] The thing about
Keynesian economics is,

you either end a recession,
or you lose a few pounds.

[laughing]

Of course, the only recession
Eva cares about

is my hairline.

[laughing]

Laughing at dumb rich people
jokes is terrible.

Laughing at dumb rich people
jokes is lucrative.

Listen to her, Troy, and you'll go far.

How are you, my friend?

Look who I found wandering
around in the hall.

-Hello.
-Oh, my goodness.

[both laugh]

Douglas, Eva,
please say hello to Professor Hobbs.

-Hello.
-[Douglas] Welcome.

Thank you. Hello, Troy.

Doesn't that look delicious?

Can you show me where you found those?

You know I love a blackberry.

Of course. Follow me.

I'll be right back.

[Neika] Monique and I have set
a wedding date.

-[Troy] Really?
-[Neika] Really.

[Troy] You're going through with this?

Troy, this is what a grown-up
relationship looks like.

Ooh, secrets, secrets are no fun.

Secrets, secrets hurt someone.

[women laugh]

Well, I was just telling Troy
about my wedding plans.

My fiancée Monique wants
a destination wedding in Hawaii.

Ooh, Hawaii. Exotic.

And far from here.

Bye, kids.

A one-percent uptick in admissions rate,

and the board is up in arms,

and I thought that the rich
loved the one percent.

-[laughing]
-What do you think, Troy?

I... [clears throat]

I think it's good.

In fact, while we're at it,

I think we should look
at prospective students

with more community service experience,

and everyone benefits
from smart, passionate

young people volunteering.

And the best part of Troy's idea--
and he has a lot of good ones--

is that you'll get more applicants.
You'll admit the same number of them,

and the acceptance rate goes down,
and that's something to brag about.

And I do enjoy bragging.

[Coco] My mentor Leonard McCullen

always says don't deny the world
the truth about yourself

just because it's good.

I had no idea that you were one
of the McCullen Scholars.

He always had a keen eye
for talented youth.

Yes, he is very generous.

We've always been generous in the past,

but given what's been happening
on campus lately,

first that god-awful party...

[Douglas] Then that officer
pulling the gun on the student.

It was truly terrible.

That's why you're gonna be happy
to hear that Troy is leading a town hall

for students to express their grievances.

Yes, I think an open forum
helps quell tension.

[Fletcher] Exactly.

In a few months, everyone's gonna be
joining hands and singing "Kumbaya."

-[laughing]
-[Eva] Really?

Because from what we've heard,

some students are planning
to protest your town hall.

It wouldn't be a college
without a student protest.

You remember those days.

But aren't you worried about the attention
of the national press?

You know why this is happening.

Self-segregation.

[Fairbanks] Now, Eva,
I was head of A-P House

when I was Troy's age,
and I can assure you,

it is a wonderful tradition.

Allowing dorms to take
their natural demographic shape

gives students a pride
in creating their own enclaves,

a safe space, if you will.

And it can reduce the feeling
of otherness at Winchester.

Eva and I believe that having students

of different backgrounds intermingle

creates an exchange of cultural ideas.

I never would have thought
of opening a charter school

in Africa if it weren't
for my law school roommate Fahim.

Oh, you opened an African charter school?

We're still looking at the numbers.

Well, I think we can consider

changing housing policies in the future,

but for right now--

Surely, our generosity
buys some consideration.

Oh, port, anyone?

I think that went really well.

Troy, this is not
what going well looks like.

These people are talking about pulling

their ten-million-dollar donation.

I didn't hear them say that.

Trust me, I'm fluent in WASP.

[Neika] Actually, she's right.

Why do you think you're here?

Because after that article,

my father wants to prove he loves
and respects me

and that he's trying
to make things better between us.

No, that's not it.

You're here to show that not all black
students want to burn this place down.

You're props.

-Of course we are.
-[Troy sighs]

If integrating A-P is the only thing
in the way of this school

and the support of its largest donors,

what do you think is gonna happen?

Can we please just stop
talking about this already?

I'm telling you, this is your opportunity

to ingratiate yourself
to some very influential people.

The Hancocks have a problem.

If you can be the one to solve it,

think of what they can do for you.

I don't know.

This is your chance to make your mark.

You need to get Sam to cancel the protest.

Sam won't listen to me. She never has.

Well, then make her.

How?

You can be very persuasive.

[chuckles] I mean, you did manage

to convince a professor
to have an affair with you.

How did you know?

You just told me.

Excuse me.

[crying softly]

[sniffles]

-[yells]
-[Lionel squeals]

I-I am sorry. I didn't mean to--

I should go.

I'm gonna go. I'll go.

[Coco] No, it's fine.

I'm the one fucking crying
in your bathroom.

Now I know what you didn't put
in the article.

Oh, huh, he told you about the pee stuff?

Pee stuff?

-No.
-Neika.

Obviously, about the Neika stuff.

Yep, that makes way more sense.

I'll give you a minute.

[Coco] Lionel.

It's not as good as you think it is.

What?

Being with him.

Yeah.

[Sam] Dear White People of Pastiche--

which is redundant-- redacted pages?

That's what you're calling
satire these days?

You think you can scare me off
with that nonsense?

That's just as ridiculous
as the administration

holding a town hall,
thinking they can placate us.

The more you try to silence us,

mock us, discredit us,

the more resolved we are
to change things.

This shit is fuel.

[knocks]

[mouths words]

Hey, Sam. Have a minute?

What's up with your hair?

I mean, I love it, but do you need money?

Are you high?

Not since your peace offering.

No, it's been a while
since you and I sat around

and talked.

Yeah.

We used to talk some shit.

I got to hand it to you,

at least your shit-talking
is changing the world.

[Coco chuckles softly]

What's going on?

Nothing.

Don't "nothing" me. I know you.

Whenever you hit the kitchen like this,

something's wrong.

What's going on with you and white bae?

I really fucked things up.

I don't want to talk about it.

Okay, we could talk about something else.

[Sam] Maybe I'm not supposed
to have a personal life.

Maybe all of this is a sign
that I'm just supposed to focus

on the important things.

Like your protest?

Sam, you don't have to be a slave
to the cause, you know.

It's bigger than me, Co.

If you really want to change things,

don't protest the town hall.

What are you talking about?

There are some very influential people
who want to integrate A-P.

This protest could send them
over the edge.

Integrate A-P?

I don't know who these people are

or what edge they're on,
but they can jump the fuck off.

Sam, they've pledged ten million dollars
to the university.

That could go towards
recruiting students of color--

Troy's got you drinking his Kool-Aid--

or rather his daddy's Kool-Aid.

So you came to give me a taste,
but guess what.

I ain't thirsty, girl.

Troy doesn't even know I'm here.

Really?

Coco, what are you doing here?

She's trying to convince me
to stop the protest,

which you put her up to,
so don't act all surprised.

Why would you do that?

I figured you weren't going to do it.

You're right, I wasn't.

Thank you.

So why are you here now?

To ask you not to protest.

[laughs]

Wow!

You two are the fucking worst.

Next time, coordinate
your Uncle Tom-foolery

before you come up in here.

Sam, you're always trying to improve
the black experience at Winchester.

How are you gonna feel when A-P's gone
and it's your fault?

Troy, people have tried that before.

It didn't happen then,
and it won't happen now...

and I will not be bought.

Fine.

But I'm gonna fight you on this.

Bring it.

We should have known
you can't reason with her.

We?

What the hell was that about?

You tell me.

You were badgering me
into doing something.

Then I go do it and find you
there ahead of me doing it.

You know I was just trying to help.

Were you? Or did you think
I can't get anything done without you?

Coco, what do you even like about me?

And nothing about power or success

and nothing physical or sexual.

I mean, what is it about me as a person?

What are you talking about?

You don't like me.

You like the idea of me.

No, not even. You like the idea of us.

Are you breaking up with me?

I wasn't thinking of it
so much as a breakup,

since we weren't really together.

Are you fucking kidding me?

We never said we were exclusive.

I told you the names of our kids,
and you said nothing.

That's a relationship.

That's a delusion.

What am I doing?

[sighs]

I'm smarter than you.

I'm more ambitious than you.

Thirty years from now

when I am the second
black female president...

all you'll be able
to do is think about me.

And I won't remember your name.

I hope you're right.

[scoffs]

I can't believe I gave up my hair for you.

[rock music playing]

♪ I'm not searching ♪

♪ But I can change ♪

♪ Anything you don't like ♪

♪ We live in unreasonable times ♪

♪ I'm not a servant ♪

♪ To my own desires ♪

♪ I'll trade in ♪

♪ Anything you don't like ♪

♪ We live in unreasonable times ♪