Dear White People (2017–…): Season 1, Episode 5 - Chapter V - full transcript

"Not everything that
is faced can be changed,

but nothing can be
changed until it is faced,"

a James Baldwin quote
Reggie Green's father

often imparted to his son.

Reggie heard the message loud and clear.

Hey, see you at practice tomorrow.

Uh, I'm not on your team, Coach.

Good one, Marcus.

Despite the divisive hashtags

that would have you believe otherwise,

our great nation is built



on that most famous of declarations:

"All men are created equal."

Equal?

You could only vote if you owned land

and didn't have a vagina.

Well, uh...

She had him at "vagina."

Reggie, often a lone soldier on campus,

had finally found his comrade-in-arms.

As the outrage over the blackface party

gave way to campus-wide apathy,

Reggie found himself looking for ways

to reignite the revolution.

What Reggie didn't realize was



the revolution would find him.

So a student's picture pops up,

Coco Conners.

Not woke.

Woke.

- Woke.
- Cosby.

- Okay.
- Mm-hmm, I'm sorry.

Lady McRib. Really?

Now look.

The entire campus ranked
by whether they is woke

or not woke.

Your boy's number four, for now,

but once this blows up,

Sam, you better watch yo back.

Mm, you mad scientist.

This is based on my last
Dear White People rant.

You Steve Jobs'd me.

I Steve Jobs'd you.

Yo, Steve Jobs was a monster

who used Chinese slave
labor to make his products.

What?

Those kids make a fantastic phone.

Hey, who that, Sam?

- Mm.
- Ooh, that's white bae.

- Nuh.
- What y'all finna do?

Go on a hike just for the Instagrams?

- Play hacky sack?
- Open an Etsy shop

like that's a real job?

Wow, I'm really sad I
have to go too, assholes.

Wait.

I love/hate your shirt.

Well, what's to hate?

I can't wear it. I have cream.

Bitch, get out of here.

Bye.

- Have fun being booed up, girl.
- Thank you. Reggie, you're a genius.

- I know.
- Bye, Sam.

Bye, Al.

All right, y'all,

who do we get this "Woke or
Not" app to, to make it a thing?

The revolution is running on embers.

It's Saturday, Reggie.
The revolution can wait.

I heard the ASU's having a cook-in.

Hard pass.

People have completely forgotten
about this blackface party.

The whole thing, it's like they just...

Reggie.

Sometimes being carefree and
black is an act of revolution.

She's right, man.
Saturday's a day of rest.

You ain't Jewish, man.

You don't know my life.

But you let the ladies
walk all over you.

Why?

Because you know your
mama didn't love you.

What we need now is a man.

That's what the ladies want,

and that's what the mama

in your heart wants.

I've been an author, psychic,

Yelp reviewer, bus driver,

former Yelp reviewer who got banned

for using too many obscenities

in a review for a children's theater,

and a reader of half of one
of Iyanla Vanzant's books.

I've done the work, and for some reason,

these people have given me a show

to help you do yours.

Oh, I'm sorry, Reg. Were you
watching TV while the revolution dies?

Sorry. Dereca got me caught up.

Dereca's a hot mess.

God, I want her to set me straight.

Shasta.

Pulled out all the stops.

Sorbet, did you make some new friends?

Aww, this is Sorbet,

and she's so glad you
were able to make it

to our little cook-in.

Well, we wanted to have a cookout,

but real grills are banned on campus.

- Like dogs, right?
- Technically, yes.

But after the blackface
party, I was so traumatized.

I mean, racism here?

I still can't believe it.

No one could have seen it coming.

I thought President
Obama fixed all that.

I know, so I went to
the campus psychiatrist,

and I told him that I'd kill myself

if I could not have a support animal,

and they let me get one.

Well, you're the real hero, Kelsey.

Aw, Al. Thank you.

Would you guys like a veggie dog?

- No.
- Hell no.

Sorbet, come back here. No!

- She's something else.
- Ugh. That girl.

All right, what...

They made free food bad.

Fuck these guys.

- French exit?
- Wait.

Wannabe pastor Kordell
got the homie hemmed up.

And if you think about it, Rashid,

Africa owes a lot to
Christian missionaries.

- If they hadn't brought Jesus...
- I love the Lord,

but Pastor Kordell be doing the most.

- He's in me?
- He's in you right now.

- So that mean I'm Jesus.
- You're Jesus-like.

- We're all Jesus-like...
- Rashid.

Thank God I found you.

I just got a call about your mom.

It's bad. We gotta go right now.

Is she okay?

No, we cannot talk about this right now.

We should leave right now
for this very real emergency.

We'll pray for her, man.
Right now. Give me your hand.

Jesus, bless this grape soda
as we take this as your blood...

- Was the mom thing too much?
- No, that was fine.

My mom died when I was very young,
so I knew she was not on the phone.

What a fool that man was.

Well, good, I guess.

Hey, y'all wanna go
to a tailgating party?

- It's free.
- It's only free 'cause they suck.

We boring you, Reg?

Who goes to the botanical gardens?

It's like a fucking zoo for plants.

Are you cyberstalking Sam
and her new love interest?

Nah, man. I'm just looking
at this horrible audio lag...

Thane forever, man!

I could fix this
bullshit in ten minutes.

Sure, you're definitely
upset exclusively about that

and not about that
video of Sam and Gabe.

Shit just popped up.

Couldn't give a fuck what they thinkin'.

So we're all cool with Sam dating

a Abercrombie model?

I mean, you two practically
share panties, Jo.

What's your take?

I mean, Sam's my girl.

If she likes it, I love it.

You know that shit is weird.

I was surprised at first. I admit.

I mean, I'm not sure I could
let a white man colonize my body,

and I never thought Sam would either.

So do you feel personally betrayed?

No. I mean, it's complicated.

I know the heart wants what it wants,

and we're all one and
all that shit, but...

how many times we've had the narrative

that black men aren't good enough

and that we need a white savior?

I mean, I can't help
but feel a little...

Disappointed.

- I didn't say that.
- Didn't have to.

Tell you one thing.

I plan to marry me a
dark-skinned sister.

Have the ashiest,
blackest babies possible.

Won't catch me in these streets

- with a white V.
- Well, I can say,

having conducted multiple
blind taste tests,

you can't tell a white
pussy from a black one.

Friends, in American popular culture,

many black men seem
obsessed with white girls.

What is this about?

Anal.

To Thane!

They forgot "student most
likely to pass out drunk

in a public fountain."

Not feeling the school spirit, Reg?

Nah, not really.

Football is the only time

a black face gets
celebrated on this campus.

Never mind their brain

slowly getting pounded into mush.

Right, my brother.

Furthermore, these
burgers come from cows

that were packed in pens

same way we was packed into slave ships.

They want us to eat our ancestors.

No, that's not how Reggie
talks. It's more like...

"Weed is a tool of the government...

- Mm.
- ...to anesthetize

black minds into complacency."

Oh, oh. My name is Reggie,

and 9/11 was a inside job.

Fuck y'all, man.

It was.

What's up?

You guys talking shit about everyone?

No, just me.

Damn, 'cause, you know,
present company excluded,

I hate everyone else here.

One, I'm obsessed with you.

Deal with it. Two, who are you?

I'm the girl you guys are
gonna share your weed with.

Ikumi, your new catchall Asian friend.

- All right.
- Okay, girl.

Yes.

My people.

Hey, nice app, Reggie.

Thanks. Glad you like it.

- What, so I'm not woke?
- So say the people.

Maybe because you betrayed
us for your buddy Kurt.

He's doing his best.

How about you do something productive,
instead of trying to make a Wokémon Go?

- It's actually a solid name.
- We will catch them all.

No, don't try to pun your
way out of this conflict.

- We're upset.
- Feel free

to register your complaints
in the comment section.

Excuse us.

Clarence Thomas pumpkin
pie eating motherfucker.

Are we really gonna

stay and watch these losers play?

Can't we go see a movie or something?

Yes, movie or something.

Man, I am not about this long line life.

Hey, is that Lionel?

Or a really skinny lesbian?

- Excuse me.
- Oh, hey, Lionel.

Thanks for holding a spot for us.

Oh, hey, guys.

I've been waiting here
for you, my friends.

- In fact, I was texting you...
- You can stop talking now.

- No one is listening.
- What you seeing?

Crayons: The Movie.

No, your black ass isn't.

I hear it's delightful.

Ooh, how about Oh, No She Didn't?

That cannot be a real movie.

How many times did they have

to use "get her off"
as a double entendre?

We get it. They worked at a law firm

- and they had sex.
- Those were our choices.

Cheap urban drama or tragedy porn.

Man, we could have watched porn?

And when they do accidentally
give us a quality movie,

they think that gives them a pass

to double down on this shit.

Classic moral license.

Like with Tarantino.

Just because he let Jamie Foxx

kill a bunch of racists in Django,

he thinks he can parade around every
painful historical black stereotype.

And we gave him a NAACP
Image Award for that shit.

Swear to God, he gets off

on putting Sam Jackson in his movies

just so all the white
characters can call him "nigger"

- for three hours.
- Hard R too.

Yeah, must really suck to
only have two movies this month

with people that look like you.

Try having the same
two options since 2000.

All I got is The Joy Luck
Club and Crouching Tiger.

And kind of Kung Fu Panda.

I like you, but fuck you.

You do realize all we do
is complain about things.

It is as though Americans
would have no identity

if not for their near-constant outrage.

I know so much about
what you don't like.

What do you all like, eh?

- Breakfast for dinner?
- Waller House has breakfast for dinner.

- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah, yeah.

Omelets, things like that.

A good scramble, maybe avocado.

- Get it, get it.
- Yeah.

See? We like stuff.

I am going back to Kenya.

- Rashid.
- Ah, come on, 'Shid.

- You going the wrong way.
- To the left.

- This way?
- Yes.

- Okay.
- He'll be back.

A little...

a little fruit salad.

Whoever decided pancakes
had to be confined

- to certain hours?
- Whoever it was,

that person is a piece of shit.

Ah, you are rubbing off on me, yo.

Al, just let him be African today.

- Okay?
- Hey, everyone on Yik Yak's

talking about some party tonight.

It says lots of booze
and a great playlist.

How can y'all party

when there's shit like this going on?

"Make Campus Safe Again"? From who?

Y'all know who they're talking about.

We need to wake this campus up.

Yeah, but when you say "we,"

we're not the "we" you're talking about.

What's that supposed to mean?

It means you've been checking
your Snapchat all day.

Look, she's with Gabe.

She said it on the fucking radio.

- Deal with it.
- Who wants bacon?

I do.

Sorry. You just...

seemed so stressed, and I thought

maybe I could make you smile
again the way she does, but...

- that was stupid, so...
- Nah, nah, nah, nah.

You're right. I needed a distraction,

so... thank you for...

dragging me out of my rut.

What do you say we honor Thane
by doing what he did best?

Yep.

Let's get white girl wasted.

Okay, now, that shit,
you can rant about.

Nope. We're here to have fun.

Wow. Wow.

Oh, look.

Turns out there's three
lawn jockeys at this party.

Sorry. Having fun.

So much fun.

Oh, look. Your teeth are showing.

Ha-ha. They're so cute.

- Yeah, I brushed 'em today.
- Good.

- Sam.
- What up, y'all?

Hey, I didn't know you'd be here.

I's here.

- What y'all doing?
- Not much.

Terrible AASU party,

uh... football tailgate,

a Sanaa Lathan movie.

Y'all hate-watched Oh,
No She Didn't without me?

I fought it at first,

but, you know, Joelle
made me stick it out.

She's a good friend.

She really is.

I need drinks.

- We missed you.
- You missed me?

- Yes.
- I was busy.

Busy?

Here you go, babe.

- Busy.
- Reggie.

- Oh, uh...
- Mm...

The botanical gardens.

Yeah, that looked fun.

Yeah, I mean, it's...

more like a zoo without the animals.

- Hmm.
- Or the cages.

Or the animals dragging
kids away from their mothers.

Fun. Fun.

So much fun.

Uh... Al, could I get a drink?

- Ah.
- That's, like, number five.

It's not disgusting.

It's hypothetical.

Man, just answer the question.

Fuck, marry, kill.
Me, Rashid and Reggie.

You all seem lovely.

- But you'd kill Rashid, right?
- No way.

Everyone knows I am marriage material.

Lionel, don't answer
these motherfuckers.

But you'd marry me, right?

- Yes.
- Ah, come on, nigga.

We could go antiquing
in Vermont and shit.

"Antiquing in Vermont and shit."

- Reggie! My man.
- Thank God.

What you need, brother?

Hey! Reggie's with me.

Dude's in my data structures class.

He's smart as shit.

No one's ever been as fucked
as you guys are about to be.

Who we fucking?

I mean, I'm up for it. I'm just asking.

I need a partner for tipsy trivia.

- You in?
- Yeah.

Come on. We got some ass to kick.

You ain't the only one
with a secret white friend.

Mmm.

Oh.

- He's talking about me.
- Yeah.

All right, all right, all
right. After the first round,

Reggie and Addison are on top with
ten, and the Johnson twins have zero.

Zero!

Are all twins this dumb?

Do y'all gotta split
one brain between you?

Okay, okay, hands up.

Hands up, ready to ding in.

All right, when did
the French Revolutio...

1789.

Correct!

Who was the man that went into...

Martin Van Buren.

Correct!

What is osmosis?

Ace of Spades. Lake Titicaca.

Hyperhidrosis.

All right, what team came to the US

in 19...

"Rockin'" Robin Yount
and the Milwaukee Brewers.

Boom!

Come on, y'all.

This game is culturally biased against
me, and I'm still whooping that ass.

I know y'all's shit and my shit.

We are winning too hard. Can one
of y'all cheat so we can drink?

All right, how about
everyone shots in the kitchen,

except the Johnson twins?

- Ooh.
- Tits.

Kill 'em with all that
intellectual bullshit.

You're the fucking man.

- The boss man!
- Okay, okay, okay.

Get drunk!

So you decided

you're the master in trivia now?

See, the thing about me
is, I'm smart as fuck.

I see.

Um, so since you got all the answers,

what makes me such a good friend?

Oh!

Ooh.

Hey!

♪ Times getting hard ♪

♪ But a nigga's still gettin' it ♪

Hey!

♪ This motherfucker ♪

♪ Motherfucker ♪

♪ When you wake Before
you brush your teeth ♪

♪ You grab your strap, nigga ♪

♪ All the time You get
down on your knees ♪

♪ Shootin' craps, nigga ♪

- ♪ Fuck what you heard ♪
- Hey...

♪ Bustin' all the trap niggas ♪

- Man, don't say that.
- What?

You know I don't really use that word.

Yeah, man, I know, but, uh...

I just really heard you say it, though.

And now he won't anymore. We
all learned something today.

Wait, so it's bad if I'm just
repeating what's in the song?

- Dude, seriously?
- No, I know. I'm sorry.

But it's not like I'm a racist.

Never said you were a racist.

Just don't say "nigga."

Like, you didn't have
to say it just then.

I guess it just felt kind
of weird to censor myself.

It felt kind of weird
to hear you say it.

I mean, how would you feel
if I started rapping to songs,

you know, that say
"honky" and "cracker"?

I wouldn't care at all.

Exactly, that's the difference.

The fact that you don't care and I do.

Like... you get it?

Reggie getting in a fight about racism.

- I'm shocked.
- Somebody said "nigga" and here come Kurt.

Hey, Addison, heads up.

Just hide anything you don't
want destroyed in a riot.

- Bro.
- Speaking of.

Has anyone seen Sam?

This really feels like something
she would plan to make a point.

Kurt, I'm good. I just don't
like being called a racist.

Again, he never said you were a racist.

He said "don't say that word."

I'm not some redneck.

Is that what you think of me, Reggie?

Yeah, Reggie. You call
your friend a racist

and yet you're surprised
when he's upset.

We're friends, but suddenly,

I'm supposed to give
you nigga dispensation?

Dude, I didn't do anything wrong.

It's a song. Hell, it's in the title.

What am I supposed to do? Hum?

- Yes, nigga.
- Come on, Reggie.

You don't want him
using his white privilege

to rewrite black art, do you?

Come on, man, I been good to you.

You're at a party at my
house, drinking my booze,

and now you attack me?

It's...

Can nobody just have fun anymore?

Oh, I sorry, massa.

We didn't mean to ruin your fun, now.

Sure, back to slavery. It
always comes back to slavery.

Okay, now I'm calling you a racist.

- Yeah?
- Okay, let's all just calm down

and have a good time.

- Troy, stay out of it.
- Even our black president

thinks you guys are being ridiculous.

Yo, "you guys" sounds like a
real "you people" substitute.

This is what happens
when a country refuses

to address its history with slavery.

We need to do here what
they did in Germany.

- What?
- I meant the educating kids

about the nation's horrible past part,

not the, um, concentration camp part.

- Okay.
- 'Cause I was about to say.

- I was just miming the song.
- You are saying...

I didn't mean to offend you in any way.

Where's y'all camera at?

See?

This is why you don't say "nigga."

- This is what happens.
- Man, this is not my fault.

You and your friends
show up places uninvited

and cause others fucking problems.

What the fuck?!

Get your fuckin' hands off of me!

Everybody, stay where you are.

- Get off him. Get off of him!
- Ah, what the fuck?

Are you a student here?

- What?
- We've had some complaints.

- Are you a student here?
- Yeah, my tuition pays your salary.

He's a student here. We
just got into a little tiff.

That's all. This is my house.

I'm gonna need to see your ID.

- Why you need to see my ID?
- Son, I said ID.

- I'm not your son.
- Reggie, do what he says.

- Officer, he's a student...
- I'm not talking to you.

Fuck these pigs, man.

- I said show me some ID!
- Yo, he's a student!

He's a student here.

Why the fuck do you guys have guns?

Did I stutter? Show me some ID!

Okay.

I'm going in my wallet.

Okay.

If you'd shown me that when I asked,
we could have avoided all that.

Okay, party's over.

If you don't live here, go home.

Come on.

It's awful.

Think we should walk together.

It's crazy.

Reggie...

are you okay?

Jesus, are you okay?

Are you okay, Reggie?

Talk to me.

Reggie, s...

Reggie?

Reggie, are you there?

I was thinking about
what happened all night.

We gotta clap back...

strong.

Reggie.

Reggie?

Reggie, are you there? Reggie?

Reggie.