Dear John (1986–1987): Season 2, Episode 1 - A New Member - full transcript
Divorced John faces problems getting his son Toby accepted at a Catholic school.
♫ Dear John
♫ Dear John
♫ By the time you read these lines, I'll be gone
♫ Life goes on
♫ Right or wrong
♫ Now it's all been said and done
♫ Dear John
♫ So long
♫ Seems we've sung love's last song
♫ Dear John...
Yes.
Yes.
Yes, but...
Yes.
No.
Look, Wendy...
Darling, we're both agreed that Toby
should move to the new school.
But I don't see why we should
go along there and lie to them.
I know we're divorced, Wendy. I was there.
Well... Well, go to the interview
and tell them the truth.
Of course it won't hinder his chances.
I know he's my son, Wendy.
Once again, I was there.
I don't see that as any reason to start telling lies.
Look, my train will be here in a moment.
Can we discuss this on Sunday?
Yeah, all right. See you Sunday.
Why should I tell lies?
I know he's my only child and it might help him
to get into a better school
but I've never told lies
and I don't see Why I should start now.
No, lam now my own man.
I make my own decisions and control
my own destiny in a calm and thoughtful way.
(Tube train approaches)
Oh, my God, my train!
Friday evening, and off to the 1—2—1 Club.
Again.
They'll all be there.
Kirk the berk.
Ralph and his "motorcycle combination".
Mrs Arnott and her hat.
Poor Kate, still sticking plasters
over her erogenous zones.
And Louise.
"Yah, yah, swell. "
Why did I ever get divorced?
Oh, yes. The judge said I had to.
Still I am not resentful.
I am mature enough
to know that people simply change.
I didn't change as much as Wendy.
I wasn't unfaithful to her.
I've never been unfaithful to anyone.
I've always been an extremely faithful person.
I must have been born in the year of the spaniel.
I guess I've always been one of life's good guys.
Model parent, hard—working and conscientious.
A very responsible person.
That's always been my problem.
My school report said
"John is a very responsible boy. "
My university assessment said
"Lacey is a very responsible student. "
And naturally I grew up to be
a very responsible adult.
I always obey the rules.
l clunk—click every trip,
follow the Country Code, Keep Britain Tidy
and wear something White at night.
And now, since all the media publicity
and Claire Rayner's advice,
I carry a condom on me at all times.
I keep it in my wallet.
Next to my donor's card.
I wonder which will be used first.
Excuse me, this is my condom.
Station!
Station.
Oh!
Yah, yah.
No, that's fine, Mrs Arnott.
You get here when you can.
Yes, of course I understand.
We'll be starting late tonight, anyway.
I've got a new chap coming.
And you know how it is the first time.
Yes, well, actually,
I find men far more of a challenge.
They hide the truth behind their egos,
protect their pride with a vest of prevarication
and gird their loins with plausibility.
But I always manage to get at the bigger things
that lie beneath.
All right, Mrs Arnott.
We'll see you when we see you.
OK, fine.
Super. Ciao.
Oh, that was Mrs Arnott.
She'll be late this evening.
— Nothing wrong, is there?
— Not with Mrs Arnott.
Her neighbour's had a turn and she's got to
sit with her until the son gets home from work.
Is it serious?
The poor woman's become another statistic
of the moral malaise that's afflicting the nation.
Some degenerate
accosted her on a crowded tube train,
spouting obscenities and God knows what else.
I bet he was travelling without a ticket as well.
God, I hate that kind.
I'd put them in prison
for the rest of their festering lives!
Sorry.
That's quite all right, dear. I do understand.
I sometimes feel the same way myself,
although perhaps not quite so vindic...
So passionately.
But I do feel more could be done.
Why couldn't there be a ticket inspector
on every train?
I was talking about protecting women.
So was I, dear.
Oh, I see.
An inspector on the train... Yes.
Oh, sorry, Louise.
Shall we go to the cafeteria
and have a coffee before the rest arrive?
Yeah, why not?
Hi!
(Giggles)
See you shortly, Sylvia.
Mm. Bye—ee.
We're just going for a cup of coffee.
Would you like to join us?
No, thanks.
I've just had one. (Giggles)
Good.
I know she's had problems
and I have nothing but sympathy for the woman
but when she laughs I feel like punching her.
Yes, it can be a bit grating, can't it?
But, you see, the nervous laugh's
only when she feels vulnerable
or frightened of things beyond her control.
We went to a Doris Stokes meeting once
and Sylvia was thrown out.
Why has she moved from her Wednesday night
to our Friday night class?
Oh, it's all very silly.
There was almost an accident
out in the car park.
One of our Wednesday night members
nearIy ran her over.
Twice.
Hi.
Woo! (Giggles)
Hi.
— Miss Williams?
— Ms.
What?
Ms.
Muss?
Oh, Ms.
Sorry. Ms Williams.
No.
Ms Williams, Louise, will be back shortly.
Oh, fine, well, er...
I'll just take the weight off, then.
I saw your advertisement in the local paper.
You know, the 1—2—1 Club,
Divorced and Separated Encounter Group.
You must probably think it's strange
seeing me in a place like this.
But the breakdown of a marriage and the
sadness and trauma that goes in its wake
can happen to anyone.
Even someone like me.
As one of my roadies once said to me,
“Rick, it doesn't matter how famous you are,
your destiny lies in the hands
of an even bigger star."
Of course, my main concern is,
this thing leaking.
What thing leaking?
My marriage breaking up.
The press don't seem to realise
that those days of hit records, seII—out tours
and television appearances are over and gone.
Are you somebody, then?
I was praying you wouldn't recognise me.
Sorry. (Giggles)
Who are you, then?
Who am I?
Well, I suppose January '69
was a long time ago.
Hey, see if this jogs your memory.
♫ Woo—woo—wooo
♫ Woo—wooo—woo—woo
♫ You know that I love you
♫ I think the world of you
♫ But don't break my heart this way
♫ Not on my birthday
Yeah!
(Giggles)
— Well, ring any bells?
— No.
Well, everyone remembers that song.
That was a massive hit in '69
for Ricky Fortune and the Fortunates.
Well, I am he.
I am Ricky Fortune.
Nice to meet you.
Sylvia Watkins.
Yeah. Cool.
Hi!
Oh, hello, Sylvia.
I forgot you joined the Friday night club.
Evening.
Hi.
All right, yeah.
Sorry?
It is me.
Is it?
♫ Woo—woo—wooo
♫ Woo—wooo—woo—woo
♫ You know that I love you
♫ I think the world of you
♫ So don't break my heart this way
♫ Not on my birthday
(Giggles)
Yes, I...
I just...
I won't...
I knew I shouldn't have come out tonight.
I mean, I know that you're something
of a philosopher, Louise.
But I've always thought it was a load of twaddle.
Until I watched that television programme.
It was like a revelation.
Anyway, a few days ago, I went out
and bought a book all about existentialism.
That's very good, Ralph.
Ralphie, Ralphie, why didn't you phone me?
I know a builder.
Did he really say that?
Just think, if he'd been born
with a slightly higher IQ, he'd have been stupid.
No, you see, Kirk,
existentialism is a philosophical movement
in which human beings examine their personal
experiences in relationship to their environment.
Well, yeah.
And this builder I know is very good at it.
If he'd read the same book as me,
I'm not surprised.
Over the last few days,
I have given myself number of
close and very personal examinations.
I have contemplated my being.
I've probed my psyche,
ferreted round my subconscious
and stuck my nose into areas of my subliminal
I never knew existed.
And I didn't really like what I found in there.
That's so true.
When we stand before the mirror of our soul,
we stand naked.
But I think that too much seIf—analysis
and too little learning can be a bad thing.
Well, I did get a bit of a headache one day.
As Marcel warns us
in his Les Hommes Contraire L'Humaine,
"Beware the ethical consequences
of assumption
and the substitution of abstractions
for the innate human condition."
I think what he was trying to say was
that contemplation minus interpretation
leads to an introspective and sterile philosophy
devoid of a perceptual
and conceptual synthesis.
Postulation, denied interpolation
plus discursive reasoning
equals a polarisation
of the subconscious antecedent. Yah?
— Yeah.
— Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I think it goes deeper than that, Louise.
— Yeah, yeah.
— Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Of course, we are only scratching the surface.
Louise, in two months' time, my son will be
nine years old and I promised to be at his party.
So would you and Plato mind discussing this
at a later date when you have a spare year?
Oh.
I'm terribly sorry if we were boring you.
I suppose as a teacher there was nothing
for you to learn in our conversation.
All I've learned is that Ralph has been
playing around with his inner self.
And he's old enough to know better.
Fine.
I think it's about time we met our new member.
I was going to introduce you earlier, dear,
throw you in at the deep end, as it were,
but I thought it would be good for you to see
how an encounter group works —
the free flow of opinion, hypothesis and debate.
Our key word is "truth".
Truth with ourselves and truth with our friends.
If you seek you will find in this room a crutch.
A crutch of unity and understanding.
Lean on us.
Because the process of unburdening
one's conscience, admitting one's faults
and freeing one's doubts and secrets
can be a bitter, disturbing
and sometimes painful experience.
But we do have the occasional disco
or barbecue, don't we, Louise?
Yes, Sylvia.
Would you like to take the floor, dear?
Introduce yourself, tell us a little about your life.
Well, you obviously all know who I am.
But, anyway, I'll go through the formalities.
— My name's Rick and...
- Hi, Rick.
Hello, Louise.
Yes, well, er...
My wife split about 18 months ago. We...
We'd been living together on and off for,
well, a hell of a long time.
We've got one son who's 12 years old and...
When it first happened, I thought:
what the he”, go if you want. See if! care.
Yeah, yeah, I'm hearing you, guy.
— I've got friends.
— Right on.
— It was anger.
— You tell it like it is.
— But that kind of thinking's for lame brains.
— You bet, buddy.
When... When I tried to talk to these friends
I was telling you about,
they were too busy or too embarrassed
or in most cases too pig—ignorant to understand
that I needed...
I mean, I really needed to talk to someone.
Do you know,
this is the first time that I've spoke out,
I mean, out loud,
to someone else.
— Although my pillow's bored to tears.
— (Laughter)
How many years were you actually married,
Rick?
Well, we never actually got married in the
conventional sense. We sort of lived together.
On and off.
Although we did become man and wife, kind of.
It was a Druid wedding ceremony.
Stonehenge summer solstice.
It was quite enchanting in its way.
If it hadn't been for the rain and
the plain—clothes officers from the drug squad.
Halfway through the ceremony,
a sheep gave birth.
Woo!
It was supposed to have been a good omen.
Have you got the wedding album?
No.
Oh, yes, yeah. (Laughs)
WeII, anyway, my wife left me.
I didn't realise how she felt.
It took me by surprise. Though God knows why.
I mean, how many marriages do last
in show business?
Show business... You're in show business.
Yeah, I've been in the business
most of my adult life.
— Have you ever been on TV?
— Yeah, lots of times.
I thought I recognised you.
Didn't you use to play the kerb crawler
in Sesame Street?
You'll have to forgive him.
He thinks every actor's
been in his favourite programme.
I was never in the acting game.
I was in the pop music business.
He's Ricky Fortune.
Ricky Fortune and the Fortunates.
Oh, I say!
Ricky Fortune and the Fortunates?
I've never heard of you.
It means nothing. He'd never heard of
Sesame Street till his remedial reading classes.
All right, Tiger, you ever heard of him?
Yes, of course I...
Well, no, I haven't actually heard of you.
We were famous. We had a hit in '69.
What, 1969?
January 1969.
With a song called Not On My Birthday.
Well, maybe we were doing something.
Yeah. Like our homework.
Don't kid yourself, pus brain.
Explain this, then.
How did Sylvia know Rick was famous?
Rick told me he was.
Nurh—nurh nurh—nurh—nurh.
Did it go to No.1?
Oh, yeah. But not in Britain.
— In America?
— No.
Iceland.
Iceland?
Oi, think again, Tiger.
Now, are you sure you never heard of him?
— You must remember us, Louise.
— I can't say that I do.
Pop has never really been my bag.
I'm more of a classical person myself.
The Blue Danube, The Moonlight Sonata.
Bolero usually hits the spot as well.
Face it, bozo.
You're a yesterday man.
Maybe your wife didn't leave you.
Maybe she just forgot who you were.
I didn't come here to be insulted.
Where do you normally go, then?
It's all part of the free flow, dear.
We must be willing to allow any preconceived
ideas of our own importance to be challenged.
— Did you say Ricky Fortune and the Fortunates?
— Yeah.
I remember you.
— Do you?
— Yeah, I bought all your records.
I've got every single one at home.
I was your biggest fan.
What do you say about that, then?
Don't believe him. He's just saying that.
He's only just met me.
So why should he lie for my sake?
Because he's a goody—goody teacher.
This guy's squeaky clean.
He makes Joe 90 look sleazy.
Look, bozo,
no—one in the world's ever heard of you.
They're very popular in Iceland.
Well, so are huskies.
All right. We” put it to the test.
Tell me, guy, out of all the records this bozo
ever made, what was your favourite?
They all were.
You gave him a clue.
Listen, guy, the only person
who's ever heard of you is him.
And he doesn't count cos he's lying.
It strikes me that no—one,
and when I say no—one, I mean...voot...
nobody has ever, ever heard of you.
Yes.
WeII, fine.
Um, it's nine o'clock.
Let's call it a night.
It's been a most successful evening.
Let's pick it up at the same time next week.
OK, yah?
I'm sorry I'm late, everybody.
I had to look after my neigh...
Oh, Ricky!
(Whispers)
I mean, over the last few years,
I've had no real company.
Oh, but what about your fan club?
They don't exist any more.
Yeah. They were wiped out in a tandem crash.
You will find the social side of the 1—2—1 Club
a very important feature.
You will have fun.
Honestly. It's a laugh a month.
We have all...
We have all kinds of outings and get—togethers.
Theatre, pub crawls, parties, discos...
All kinds of crazy evenings.
We used to organise walking holidays
in the Lake District
until we had a very unfortunate incident
3,000 feet up Scafell Pike.
One of our members
was accidentally knocked over the edge.
You mean they were killed?
Oh, no, no, no.
You weren't hurt, were you, dear?
No.
Cuts, bruises and shock.
That's all.
She managed to hang on to a twig
until the helicopter arrived.
I've got it all on cine fiIm.
— I'll bring it in one night for you to see.
— Yes, we”, I must away.
I'II walk to your car with you, Sylvia.
Can't be too careful these days. especially
after what happened to Mrs Arnott's neighbour.
Bye—ee!
— Bye—bye.
— Cheers. Cheers.
Ralph, John, see you next week.
— Goodbye.
— Bye—ee.
Did you really remember Ricky Fortune
and the Fortunates?
No, I'd never heard of them.
But he was taking so much flak from Kirk, I had
to say something to get him out of the hole.
I thought as much. I could tell you were lying.
Could you?
That's my trouble, you see.
I'm no good at it.
Ralph, I...
I've got a bit of a problem.
— Oh, let me pay for the drinks.
— No, no.
No, it's not that.
You see, my wife, or rather, my ex—wife,
wants my son to go to a new school.
But it's a Catholic school.
And she thinks that
because Toby's come from a broken home,
parents divorced and so on,
that it might affect his chances
of being accepted.
I didn't think even Catholic schools
worried about that kind of thing nowadays.
That's what I said. She won't listen.
She wants me to go to the interview with her
and pretend that we're still married.
To lie.
I'm not sure I can.
I mean, would you do it?
Well, I'm not really sure.
I mean, I've never even met your wife.
I never thought of that.
— Thanks, Ralph.
— Pleasure.
— Are you going, Ralph?
— Yes, I'd better be on my way.
Hey, Ralphie, my man. Can you give me a lift?
The Porsche is in dock again.
Oh, just a moment.
I'II walk down to the car park
with you two big hunks.
One of you each side of me.
Oh, it's like being in a sandwich.
That's the kind of guys we are.
Ooh!
Oh, here comes my number one fan.
Well, number two, then.
Er, tell me something, urm...
John.
Oh, yeah.
Did you really remember me
and the Fortunates?
Did you really buy all our records?
Yeah, every single one.
Oh, that's a great relief.
I can sleep well tonight, then.
Well, I'll see you next week, eh?
Night.
— Night, Mrs Arnott.
— Night, Ricky.
Yeah!
(Laughs)
(Whispers) We mustn't hold hands.
We're supposed to be married.
I've found it at last.
I'd left it in the staff room.
Now, then, how old is the lad?
(Both talk at once)
He'll be nine in two months' time.
Ah, yes.
Yes, I see he's a great rugby player.
Yes, chip off the oId block.
Ah. You used to play, Mr Lacey?
No, Wendy did. (Laughs)
No, I played the game for years.
At school, university and then local clubs.
You have only the one child?
Yes, we'd have liked to have had more but...
it wasn't to be.
Yes, well, that's a great shame, especially when
it happens to young people like yourselves.
What was your position?
Position?
Yes, I was a second row forward.
Oh.
I was a scrum haIf.
Well, you know we have
a great rugby tradition here.
I think young Toby will be happy with us.
Assuming he's accepted, of course.
— Of course.
— Of course.
— Do you take sugar, Mrs Lacey?
— No, thank you, Mother.
And Mr Lacey?
— No
— Yes.
My wife has had me on a sugar—free diet
for some time now.
But every so often I weaken.
Just a pinch of sugar, please, Mother.
Tell me something, why exactly do you want
young Toby transferred here to St Bede's?
Er, would you like to answer that, dear?
Thank you, darling.
WeII, basically the answer's quite simple.
St Bede's enjoys about
the best reputation in the area.
Naturally we want the best for our son.
Oh, I hope that doesn't sound too selfish.
On the contrary, that's exactly
what I was hoping you'd answer.
People like yourself— loving, caring parents,
naturally want the best for their offsprings.
And we find that the most responsive
and successful pupils
tend to come from warm and stable
family backgrounds, like young Toby's.
Here at St Bede's we like to think of ourselves
as one big happy family.
And we like the parents to be involved
in that family spirit.
Oh, yes, we encourage the parents to take part
in the school's extracurricular activities.
PTA meetings, fundraising and so forth.
Unless of course your time is already taken up
with social and community pastimes.
— Oh, no, no.
— No, plenty of free time.
On Fridays I do go to divor...divinity classes.
But the rest of the week I'm free.
A divinity class. Did you hear that, Father?
I most certainly did.
So, if we need anything, always assuming
young Toby's accepted of course...
BOTH: Of course.
— ..we'II know where to contact you.
— Yes, I spend most evenings in my flat...
In Wendy's house.
Wendy's house?
A Wendy house.
In the garden we have a Wendy house.
And most evenings you're in it?
Yes.
It belonged to Toby.
We keep rabbits.
In the Wendy house.
And most evenings I'm in there
looking after them.
You know, that's absolutely amazing.
I keep rabbits too.
Had them ever since I was a child.
Fascinating little creatures.
We must have a long talk about them sometime.
Yes. I look forward to it.
Well, then, Mr and Mrs Lacey, I certainly can't
give you a definite answer right away.
Toby's name must go before
the board of governors.
But I think I can say his application
will be looked at very sympathetically.
— Thank you, Father.
— Thank you, Father.
Have you completed that transfer form
I gave you?
Oh, yes. I have it here.
Um...
Claire Rayner said that...
♫ People change
♫ Can't explain
♫ Like the weather
♫ One day sun, next day rain
♫ Whatever happened to the plans we made?
♫ Seems that they ended with the masquerade
♫ Life goes on
♫ Right or wrong
♫ Now it's all been said and done
♫ Dear John
♫ Dear John
♫ By the time you read these lines, I'll be gone
♫ Life goes on
♫ Right or wrong
♫ Now it's all been said and done
♫ Dear John
♫ So long
♫ Seems we've sung love's last song
♫ Dear John...
Yes.
Yes.
Yes, but...
Yes.
No.
Look, Wendy...
Darling, we're both agreed that Toby
should move to the new school.
But I don't see why we should
go along there and lie to them.
I know we're divorced, Wendy. I was there.
Well... Well, go to the interview
and tell them the truth.
Of course it won't hinder his chances.
I know he's my son, Wendy.
Once again, I was there.
I don't see that as any reason to start telling lies.
Look, my train will be here in a moment.
Can we discuss this on Sunday?
Yeah, all right. See you Sunday.
Why should I tell lies?
I know he's my only child and it might help him
to get into a better school
but I've never told lies
and I don't see Why I should start now.
No, lam now my own man.
I make my own decisions and control
my own destiny in a calm and thoughtful way.
(Tube train approaches)
Oh, my God, my train!
Friday evening, and off to the 1—2—1 Club.
Again.
They'll all be there.
Kirk the berk.
Ralph and his "motorcycle combination".
Mrs Arnott and her hat.
Poor Kate, still sticking plasters
over her erogenous zones.
And Louise.
"Yah, yah, swell. "
Why did I ever get divorced?
Oh, yes. The judge said I had to.
Still I am not resentful.
I am mature enough
to know that people simply change.
I didn't change as much as Wendy.
I wasn't unfaithful to her.
I've never been unfaithful to anyone.
I've always been an extremely faithful person.
I must have been born in the year of the spaniel.
I guess I've always been one of life's good guys.
Model parent, hard—working and conscientious.
A very responsible person.
That's always been my problem.
My school report said
"John is a very responsible boy. "
My university assessment said
"Lacey is a very responsible student. "
And naturally I grew up to be
a very responsible adult.
I always obey the rules.
l clunk—click every trip,
follow the Country Code, Keep Britain Tidy
and wear something White at night.
And now, since all the media publicity
and Claire Rayner's advice,
I carry a condom on me at all times.
I keep it in my wallet.
Next to my donor's card.
I wonder which will be used first.
Excuse me, this is my condom.
Station!
Station.
Oh!
Yah, yah.
No, that's fine, Mrs Arnott.
You get here when you can.
Yes, of course I understand.
We'll be starting late tonight, anyway.
I've got a new chap coming.
And you know how it is the first time.
Yes, well, actually,
I find men far more of a challenge.
They hide the truth behind their egos,
protect their pride with a vest of prevarication
and gird their loins with plausibility.
But I always manage to get at the bigger things
that lie beneath.
All right, Mrs Arnott.
We'll see you when we see you.
OK, fine.
Super. Ciao.
Oh, that was Mrs Arnott.
She'll be late this evening.
— Nothing wrong, is there?
— Not with Mrs Arnott.
Her neighbour's had a turn and she's got to
sit with her until the son gets home from work.
Is it serious?
The poor woman's become another statistic
of the moral malaise that's afflicting the nation.
Some degenerate
accosted her on a crowded tube train,
spouting obscenities and God knows what else.
I bet he was travelling without a ticket as well.
God, I hate that kind.
I'd put them in prison
for the rest of their festering lives!
Sorry.
That's quite all right, dear. I do understand.
I sometimes feel the same way myself,
although perhaps not quite so vindic...
So passionately.
But I do feel more could be done.
Why couldn't there be a ticket inspector
on every train?
I was talking about protecting women.
So was I, dear.
Oh, I see.
An inspector on the train... Yes.
Oh, sorry, Louise.
Shall we go to the cafeteria
and have a coffee before the rest arrive?
Yeah, why not?
Hi!
(Giggles)
See you shortly, Sylvia.
Mm. Bye—ee.
We're just going for a cup of coffee.
Would you like to join us?
No, thanks.
I've just had one. (Giggles)
Good.
I know she's had problems
and I have nothing but sympathy for the woman
but when she laughs I feel like punching her.
Yes, it can be a bit grating, can't it?
But, you see, the nervous laugh's
only when she feels vulnerable
or frightened of things beyond her control.
We went to a Doris Stokes meeting once
and Sylvia was thrown out.
Why has she moved from her Wednesday night
to our Friday night class?
Oh, it's all very silly.
There was almost an accident
out in the car park.
One of our Wednesday night members
nearIy ran her over.
Twice.
Hi.
Woo! (Giggles)
Hi.
— Miss Williams?
— Ms.
What?
Ms.
Muss?
Oh, Ms.
Sorry. Ms Williams.
No.
Ms Williams, Louise, will be back shortly.
Oh, fine, well, er...
I'll just take the weight off, then.
I saw your advertisement in the local paper.
You know, the 1—2—1 Club,
Divorced and Separated Encounter Group.
You must probably think it's strange
seeing me in a place like this.
But the breakdown of a marriage and the
sadness and trauma that goes in its wake
can happen to anyone.
Even someone like me.
As one of my roadies once said to me,
“Rick, it doesn't matter how famous you are,
your destiny lies in the hands
of an even bigger star."
Of course, my main concern is,
this thing leaking.
What thing leaking?
My marriage breaking up.
The press don't seem to realise
that those days of hit records, seII—out tours
and television appearances are over and gone.
Are you somebody, then?
I was praying you wouldn't recognise me.
Sorry. (Giggles)
Who are you, then?
Who am I?
Well, I suppose January '69
was a long time ago.
Hey, see if this jogs your memory.
♫ Woo—woo—wooo
♫ Woo—wooo—woo—woo
♫ You know that I love you
♫ I think the world of you
♫ But don't break my heart this way
♫ Not on my birthday
Yeah!
(Giggles)
— Well, ring any bells?
— No.
Well, everyone remembers that song.
That was a massive hit in '69
for Ricky Fortune and the Fortunates.
Well, I am he.
I am Ricky Fortune.
Nice to meet you.
Sylvia Watkins.
Yeah. Cool.
Hi!
Oh, hello, Sylvia.
I forgot you joined the Friday night club.
Evening.
Hi.
All right, yeah.
Sorry?
It is me.
Is it?
♫ Woo—woo—wooo
♫ Woo—wooo—woo—woo
♫ You know that I love you
♫ I think the world of you
♫ So don't break my heart this way
♫ Not on my birthday
(Giggles)
Yes, I...
I just...
I won't...
I knew I shouldn't have come out tonight.
I mean, I know that you're something
of a philosopher, Louise.
But I've always thought it was a load of twaddle.
Until I watched that television programme.
It was like a revelation.
Anyway, a few days ago, I went out
and bought a book all about existentialism.
That's very good, Ralph.
Ralphie, Ralphie, why didn't you phone me?
I know a builder.
Did he really say that?
Just think, if he'd been born
with a slightly higher IQ, he'd have been stupid.
No, you see, Kirk,
existentialism is a philosophical movement
in which human beings examine their personal
experiences in relationship to their environment.
Well, yeah.
And this builder I know is very good at it.
If he'd read the same book as me,
I'm not surprised.
Over the last few days,
I have given myself number of
close and very personal examinations.
I have contemplated my being.
I've probed my psyche,
ferreted round my subconscious
and stuck my nose into areas of my subliminal
I never knew existed.
And I didn't really like what I found in there.
That's so true.
When we stand before the mirror of our soul,
we stand naked.
But I think that too much seIf—analysis
and too little learning can be a bad thing.
Well, I did get a bit of a headache one day.
As Marcel warns us
in his Les Hommes Contraire L'Humaine,
"Beware the ethical consequences
of assumption
and the substitution of abstractions
for the innate human condition."
I think what he was trying to say was
that contemplation minus interpretation
leads to an introspective and sterile philosophy
devoid of a perceptual
and conceptual synthesis.
Postulation, denied interpolation
plus discursive reasoning
equals a polarisation
of the subconscious antecedent. Yah?
— Yeah.
— Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I think it goes deeper than that, Louise.
— Yeah, yeah.
— Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Of course, we are only scratching the surface.
Louise, in two months' time, my son will be
nine years old and I promised to be at his party.
So would you and Plato mind discussing this
at a later date when you have a spare year?
Oh.
I'm terribly sorry if we were boring you.
I suppose as a teacher there was nothing
for you to learn in our conversation.
All I've learned is that Ralph has been
playing around with his inner self.
And he's old enough to know better.
Fine.
I think it's about time we met our new member.
I was going to introduce you earlier, dear,
throw you in at the deep end, as it were,
but I thought it would be good for you to see
how an encounter group works —
the free flow of opinion, hypothesis and debate.
Our key word is "truth".
Truth with ourselves and truth with our friends.
If you seek you will find in this room a crutch.
A crutch of unity and understanding.
Lean on us.
Because the process of unburdening
one's conscience, admitting one's faults
and freeing one's doubts and secrets
can be a bitter, disturbing
and sometimes painful experience.
But we do have the occasional disco
or barbecue, don't we, Louise?
Yes, Sylvia.
Would you like to take the floor, dear?
Introduce yourself, tell us a little about your life.
Well, you obviously all know who I am.
But, anyway, I'll go through the formalities.
— My name's Rick and...
- Hi, Rick.
Hello, Louise.
Yes, well, er...
My wife split about 18 months ago. We...
We'd been living together on and off for,
well, a hell of a long time.
We've got one son who's 12 years old and...
When it first happened, I thought:
what the he”, go if you want. See if! care.
Yeah, yeah, I'm hearing you, guy.
— I've got friends.
— Right on.
— It was anger.
— You tell it like it is.
— But that kind of thinking's for lame brains.
— You bet, buddy.
When... When I tried to talk to these friends
I was telling you about,
they were too busy or too embarrassed
or in most cases too pig—ignorant to understand
that I needed...
I mean, I really needed to talk to someone.
Do you know,
this is the first time that I've spoke out,
I mean, out loud,
to someone else.
— Although my pillow's bored to tears.
— (Laughter)
How many years were you actually married,
Rick?
Well, we never actually got married in the
conventional sense. We sort of lived together.
On and off.
Although we did become man and wife, kind of.
It was a Druid wedding ceremony.
Stonehenge summer solstice.
It was quite enchanting in its way.
If it hadn't been for the rain and
the plain—clothes officers from the drug squad.
Halfway through the ceremony,
a sheep gave birth.
Woo!
It was supposed to have been a good omen.
Have you got the wedding album?
No.
Oh, yes, yeah. (Laughs)
WeII, anyway, my wife left me.
I didn't realise how she felt.
It took me by surprise. Though God knows why.
I mean, how many marriages do last
in show business?
Show business... You're in show business.
Yeah, I've been in the business
most of my adult life.
— Have you ever been on TV?
— Yeah, lots of times.
I thought I recognised you.
Didn't you use to play the kerb crawler
in Sesame Street?
You'll have to forgive him.
He thinks every actor's
been in his favourite programme.
I was never in the acting game.
I was in the pop music business.
He's Ricky Fortune.
Ricky Fortune and the Fortunates.
Oh, I say!
Ricky Fortune and the Fortunates?
I've never heard of you.
It means nothing. He'd never heard of
Sesame Street till his remedial reading classes.
All right, Tiger, you ever heard of him?
Yes, of course I...
Well, no, I haven't actually heard of you.
We were famous. We had a hit in '69.
What, 1969?
January 1969.
With a song called Not On My Birthday.
Well, maybe we were doing something.
Yeah. Like our homework.
Don't kid yourself, pus brain.
Explain this, then.
How did Sylvia know Rick was famous?
Rick told me he was.
Nurh—nurh nurh—nurh—nurh.
Did it go to No.1?
Oh, yeah. But not in Britain.
— In America?
— No.
Iceland.
Iceland?
Oi, think again, Tiger.
Now, are you sure you never heard of him?
— You must remember us, Louise.
— I can't say that I do.
Pop has never really been my bag.
I'm more of a classical person myself.
The Blue Danube, The Moonlight Sonata.
Bolero usually hits the spot as well.
Face it, bozo.
You're a yesterday man.
Maybe your wife didn't leave you.
Maybe she just forgot who you were.
I didn't come here to be insulted.
Where do you normally go, then?
It's all part of the free flow, dear.
We must be willing to allow any preconceived
ideas of our own importance to be challenged.
— Did you say Ricky Fortune and the Fortunates?
— Yeah.
I remember you.
— Do you?
— Yeah, I bought all your records.
I've got every single one at home.
I was your biggest fan.
What do you say about that, then?
Don't believe him. He's just saying that.
He's only just met me.
So why should he lie for my sake?
Because he's a goody—goody teacher.
This guy's squeaky clean.
He makes Joe 90 look sleazy.
Look, bozo,
no—one in the world's ever heard of you.
They're very popular in Iceland.
Well, so are huskies.
All right. We” put it to the test.
Tell me, guy, out of all the records this bozo
ever made, what was your favourite?
They all were.
You gave him a clue.
Listen, guy, the only person
who's ever heard of you is him.
And he doesn't count cos he's lying.
It strikes me that no—one,
and when I say no—one, I mean...voot...
nobody has ever, ever heard of you.
Yes.
WeII, fine.
Um, it's nine o'clock.
Let's call it a night.
It's been a most successful evening.
Let's pick it up at the same time next week.
OK, yah?
I'm sorry I'm late, everybody.
I had to look after my neigh...
Oh, Ricky!
(Whispers)
I mean, over the last few years,
I've had no real company.
Oh, but what about your fan club?
They don't exist any more.
Yeah. They were wiped out in a tandem crash.
You will find the social side of the 1—2—1 Club
a very important feature.
You will have fun.
Honestly. It's a laugh a month.
We have all...
We have all kinds of outings and get—togethers.
Theatre, pub crawls, parties, discos...
All kinds of crazy evenings.
We used to organise walking holidays
in the Lake District
until we had a very unfortunate incident
3,000 feet up Scafell Pike.
One of our members
was accidentally knocked over the edge.
You mean they were killed?
Oh, no, no, no.
You weren't hurt, were you, dear?
No.
Cuts, bruises and shock.
That's all.
She managed to hang on to a twig
until the helicopter arrived.
I've got it all on cine fiIm.
— I'll bring it in one night for you to see.
— Yes, we”, I must away.
I'II walk to your car with you, Sylvia.
Can't be too careful these days. especially
after what happened to Mrs Arnott's neighbour.
Bye—ee!
— Bye—bye.
— Cheers. Cheers.
Ralph, John, see you next week.
— Goodbye.
— Bye—ee.
Did you really remember Ricky Fortune
and the Fortunates?
No, I'd never heard of them.
But he was taking so much flak from Kirk, I had
to say something to get him out of the hole.
I thought as much. I could tell you were lying.
Could you?
That's my trouble, you see.
I'm no good at it.
Ralph, I...
I've got a bit of a problem.
— Oh, let me pay for the drinks.
— No, no.
No, it's not that.
You see, my wife, or rather, my ex—wife,
wants my son to go to a new school.
But it's a Catholic school.
And she thinks that
because Toby's come from a broken home,
parents divorced and so on,
that it might affect his chances
of being accepted.
I didn't think even Catholic schools
worried about that kind of thing nowadays.
That's what I said. She won't listen.
She wants me to go to the interview with her
and pretend that we're still married.
To lie.
I'm not sure I can.
I mean, would you do it?
Well, I'm not really sure.
I mean, I've never even met your wife.
I never thought of that.
— Thanks, Ralph.
— Pleasure.
— Are you going, Ralph?
— Yes, I'd better be on my way.
Hey, Ralphie, my man. Can you give me a lift?
The Porsche is in dock again.
Oh, just a moment.
I'II walk down to the car park
with you two big hunks.
One of you each side of me.
Oh, it's like being in a sandwich.
That's the kind of guys we are.
Ooh!
Oh, here comes my number one fan.
Well, number two, then.
Er, tell me something, urm...
John.
Oh, yeah.
Did you really remember me
and the Fortunates?
Did you really buy all our records?
Yeah, every single one.
Oh, that's a great relief.
I can sleep well tonight, then.
Well, I'll see you next week, eh?
Night.
— Night, Mrs Arnott.
— Night, Ricky.
Yeah!
(Laughs)
(Whispers) We mustn't hold hands.
We're supposed to be married.
I've found it at last.
I'd left it in the staff room.
Now, then, how old is the lad?
(Both talk at once)
He'll be nine in two months' time.
Ah, yes.
Yes, I see he's a great rugby player.
Yes, chip off the oId block.
Ah. You used to play, Mr Lacey?
No, Wendy did. (Laughs)
No, I played the game for years.
At school, university and then local clubs.
You have only the one child?
Yes, we'd have liked to have had more but...
it wasn't to be.
Yes, well, that's a great shame, especially when
it happens to young people like yourselves.
What was your position?
Position?
Yes, I was a second row forward.
Oh.
I was a scrum haIf.
Well, you know we have
a great rugby tradition here.
I think young Toby will be happy with us.
Assuming he's accepted, of course.
— Of course.
— Of course.
— Do you take sugar, Mrs Lacey?
— No, thank you, Mother.
And Mr Lacey?
— No
— Yes.
My wife has had me on a sugar—free diet
for some time now.
But every so often I weaken.
Just a pinch of sugar, please, Mother.
Tell me something, why exactly do you want
young Toby transferred here to St Bede's?
Er, would you like to answer that, dear?
Thank you, darling.
WeII, basically the answer's quite simple.
St Bede's enjoys about
the best reputation in the area.
Naturally we want the best for our son.
Oh, I hope that doesn't sound too selfish.
On the contrary, that's exactly
what I was hoping you'd answer.
People like yourself— loving, caring parents,
naturally want the best for their offsprings.
And we find that the most responsive
and successful pupils
tend to come from warm and stable
family backgrounds, like young Toby's.
Here at St Bede's we like to think of ourselves
as one big happy family.
And we like the parents to be involved
in that family spirit.
Oh, yes, we encourage the parents to take part
in the school's extracurricular activities.
PTA meetings, fundraising and so forth.
Unless of course your time is already taken up
with social and community pastimes.
— Oh, no, no.
— No, plenty of free time.
On Fridays I do go to divor...divinity classes.
But the rest of the week I'm free.
A divinity class. Did you hear that, Father?
I most certainly did.
So, if we need anything, always assuming
young Toby's accepted of course...
BOTH: Of course.
— ..we'II know where to contact you.
— Yes, I spend most evenings in my flat...
In Wendy's house.
Wendy's house?
A Wendy house.
In the garden we have a Wendy house.
And most evenings you're in it?
Yes.
It belonged to Toby.
We keep rabbits.
In the Wendy house.
And most evenings I'm in there
looking after them.
You know, that's absolutely amazing.
I keep rabbits too.
Had them ever since I was a child.
Fascinating little creatures.
We must have a long talk about them sometime.
Yes. I look forward to it.
Well, then, Mr and Mrs Lacey, I certainly can't
give you a definite answer right away.
Toby's name must go before
the board of governors.
But I think I can say his application
will be looked at very sympathetically.
— Thank you, Father.
— Thank you, Father.
Have you completed that transfer form
I gave you?
Oh, yes. I have it here.
Um...
Claire Rayner said that...
♫ People change
♫ Can't explain
♫ Like the weather
♫ One day sun, next day rain
♫ Whatever happened to the plans we made?
♫ Seems that they ended with the masquerade
♫ Life goes on
♫ Right or wrong
♫ Now it's all been said and done
♫ Dear John