Dear John (1986–1987): Season 1, Episode 7 - Under Cover - full transcript

— (Door opens)
— Darling, I'm home.

♫ Dear John

♫ Dear John

♫ By the time you read these lines, I'll be gone

♫ Life goes on

♫ Right or wrong

♫ Now it's all been said and done

♫ Dear John

♫ Seems we've sung love's last song

♫ Dear John...

RALPH: Since I was made redundant,



I seem to spend every hour of the day and night
stuck in my flat.

There's no—one to talk to, nothing to do.

If it wasn't for my books on train spotting,
I could become bored.

I stay in bed as long as possible.
It seems to make the day shorter.

Sometimes I don't get up till the afternoon.

So, to you, News At One is breakfast television.

Yes, I suppose it is.

Ever thought of becoming a mercenary?
You know, soldier of fortune.

It's funny you should say that, Kirk,

but no.

An old army buddy of mine's setting up
a little rumble in the jungle.

It's worth considering, Ralphie.
Good pay. Free uniform.

Chance to travel, meet interesting people
and blow the crap out of them.

— Oh, shut up!
- Oi!



Miss Birds Eye, I'm trying to help the man.

Oh, I don't think it's really me, Kirk.

I go blotchy in the sun.

— Haven't you seen any jobs at all, Ralph?
— Only one.

But there were 65 other people after it,
so I didn't even bother applying.

Why not, Ralph?
You mustn't dismiss yourself in this way.

Kate's right. Winners never quit
and quitters never win.

As my ex—husband used to say.

Before our divorce.

You should've tried. You don't know
what you can achieve unless you try.

But it was for a diver on a North Sea oil platform.

For one thing, I can't swim.

Then I thought, “Those flippers
are bound to draw on my verruca."

And I'm slightly claustrophobic.

So the very thought of that midget submarine
brought my psoriasis back.

Diving in the North Sea?
Piece of cake, Ralphie.

It might be for you, Kirk,
but I haven't had your army training.

What regiment were you in, Kirk?

It's got to be the SAS.

The SAS?

Them sissy boys?

— I was in a crack unit.
— Oh, listen to this. Kirk was in the A—Team.

— I won't hear this.
— That's something we've never asked you, dear.

In fact, we've never needed to ask you anything,

but what do you actually do for a living?

I wish I could tell you.

Are you out of work, too, Kirk?

I mean, I'd like to tell you but I'm not allowed to.

Well, now, we have a moment spare
before coffee,

so I'd like to just make sure
you're all clear on a few points.

Now, this is the last week in the present term
the 1—2—1 Club meets.

Every year about this time,
the community hall closes

for its annual vandalising,

but you all have my personal telephone number

so if you should need me for anything,

anything...

..please don't hesitate to ring.

— It's... It's the Official Secrets Act.
— What is?

The reason I can't tell you what I do for a living.

Government security.
I've said too much already.

That's all right, dear. We're used to it.

Are you a postman?

A postman?!

What is it with this woman?

Are postmen parachuted into East Germany
and Russia on matters of national security?

You're a spy, aren't you?

Now, I didn't say that.

- Oh.
— Good Lord.

Now, I thought it would be nice
if we had an end—of—term get—together,

so I've booked a table for six people.

If any of you can't make it for any reason —
prior engagement, defecting, etc—

perhaps you'd be kind enough to let me know.

All right. I think we'll break for coffee now.
See you in 15 minutes.

A spy! Good God.
I'd feel safer with Secret Squirrel.

How did you become a spy, Kirk?

My dad was one. He got me in.

— Oh, sort of a family business?
— Yeah.

— I'll get you a coffee.
— Nice one, buddy.

Er...so, it's last evening, Tiger.

Yes, I think I heard Louise mention it.

If you're gonna have that date with me,
you'd better move fast.

Kirk, why do you keep asking me out?

Surely that tiny, warped brain of yours
must have got the message by now.

You are a seedy, pathetic little person

who has about as much appeal to me
as an ear infection.

Now, why don't you give us all a break?

Emigrate.
Go and annoy New Zealand for a change.

Do you read anything into that?

— Well, she's being rather evasive, isn't she?
— Yeah.

I'm no expert but I think your relationship
has hit something of a plateau.

Yeah? I thought it was going
straight down the sewer.

How am I gonna get a date with that chick?

— I thought she'd have some feelings for me.
— I know she has.

— Yeah?
— Feelings of hate, loathing and revulsion.

She's got me all wrong.

Deep down inside I'm a nice person.

In fact, I'm a very nice person.

All that insulting and abusing people
is just my little way of breaking the ice.

— Would you do something for me?
- What?

— Talk to her.
— What about?

About me. Try and get me that date.

I'm not going to make myself look like
a complete fool in front of Kate.

— Why not?
— Because it's nothing to do with me.

Oh, come on. We finish here tonight.
It's my last opportunity.

By the time we meet again,
she could be pregnant or even married.

I could be dead in a Cuban torture cell.

There's no point me talking to her, then.

Help me. You get on together.
She'll listen to you.

I have no intention
of becoming your dating agent.

So that's it, is it?

When a fellow human being
reaches out to you for help,

you just pass by on the other side
and leave him lying in the gutter?

— Yep.
— Well, I want you to know something.

If you ever fall in a river infested with piranha,
I'll still dive in and save you.

Thanks, Kirk.

I might wait till they've eaten
one of your legs off first, though.

Kirk, are you serious about this?
I mean, about you and Kate?

Oh, yeah, I'm serious.

I've got it real bad.

I lie awake at night thinking about her.

All I want is one chance to prove to her
that I have respect and affection for her.

— All right, I'll talk to her.
— Great!

When we leave here, I'll take her out for a meal
and try and convince her that you're nice.

- All right!
— Hey, I don't promise anything.

Hey, I know that. I'm nothing if not a realist.

There are no frills or pretensions in my life.

Ask the other guys at the spy headquarters.

Once again, I hope you didn't mind
it being a take—away.

I just thought it would be nice
having a private meal

rather than a more...large
and impersonal restaurant.

In other words, you're broke.

Well, it does have some bearing on...

on...on...my decision.

Well, why didn't you say? I'd have paid.

I couldn't let the woman do that.

Have you checked your calendar recently?

We're in the 1980s, the age of female eman...

eman...

equality.

Yes, I've read about that.

But I've always been taught
that the gentleman should pay the bill.

Whoever told you that?

— I think it was my ex—wife.
— (Kate splutters)

You know what you are, John?

Oh, please, Kate, it's been a very nice evening.

You are a nice, nice man.

I am, aren't I?

There's not many like you about.

Mmm. Yes, you're right.

Now, that's what I wanted to talk to you about.

I think... Now, this is just me.

It's a personal opinion.

(Mimics Louise)
Basically, speaking as an individual...

That's very good.

— Who was it?
— Louise.

Oh. Dear Louise.

Stuck—up cow.

You see, I think there are far more nice people
around than we're aware of.

It's just that some people hide their niceness.

I mean, take, for instance, someone like...

..Kirk.

Eurgh! I've just eaten.

No, really, I know on the surface
he appears to be...

An obnoxious,
loud—mouthed, foul—mannered pig.

Yeah, but underneath it all...

There's a cretin trying to get out.

No.

I think he's looking for half a chance
to redeem himself and you could help him.

The Kirks of this world are beyond help.

It's like giving a fossil the kiss of life.

Pointless.

You know that Kirk is very attracted to you.

Oh, is he really?

And what about you?

Oh, he likes me as well, but that's not...

See... In a different way...

Oh! (Laughs)

Yeah, I see what you... Yeah, well, I mean...

(Scraping)

— What's that noise?
— Hm?

Oh, that's just Mrs Lemenski.
She lives in the next room.

She's got a glass against the wall
and she's listening to us.

MRS LEMENSKI: I am not listening to you.

Sorry, Mrs Lemenski.

— Let's switch the light out.
— Mm?

She can't hear us now.

What?

It's cosy, isn't it?

The glow of a fire and a glass of wine.

I should take it easy, Kate.
You have had rather a lot to drink.

Look who's talking!

— Yes, but I haven't got to drive home.
— Nor have I.

- What?
— I don't think I could drive in this condition.

So what do you suggest?

Well, how about a minicab?

(Snoring)

(Groans)

Oh.

Ahh!

(Kate shrieks)

It's all right. It's only me.

What happened?

You had too much to drink last night,
so you stayed here.

Oh.

But you're in bed with me.

Yes, sorry.

— Coffee?
— No, thank you.

Sorry.

I'd like to get out of bed.

Yes, of course.

I'd like to get out of bed.

Oh.

Oh, I see. Yes.

I'll just...

Sorry.

Sorry, Mrs Lemenski.

MRS LEMENSKI: You sexual maniac person.
I should report you.

Sorry.

I'll just...put some clothes on.

It was a nice meal last night, wasn't it?

— Did we eat?
— Yes, it was Indian.

Or Chinese.

I'm sure it was.

I'll just... I won't be long.

Oh, God, why?

I should have known something would happen.

I shouldn't have allowed it to happen.

That just about sums up my luck, doesn't it?

The first time I entertain a lady for two years...

and I can't bloody well remember it.

Oh, God.

Oh, heII.

Oh, Kirk.

Ow.

Excuse me.

Is this number 17 Parkview Court?

Eric!

We've paid.

- What?
— I put the cheque in the post.

— The cheque for what?
— For whatever it is you've called round for.

I've called to see someone called Kirk St Moritz.

Who?

Kirk St Moritz. This is 17 Parkview Court.

Well, you've got the address all right
but there's nobody here called Kirk St Moritz.

What does he do?

He's a spy.

No.

We used to have a spy lived on the top floor
but he deflected years ago.

What do you want?

There's a fella here looking for somebody
called Kirk St... What's his name?

— Moritz.
— Never heard of him.

Put the kettle on, would you?

Why don't you put it on yourself,
you lazy bastard!

— So, what brings you round?
— I came to tell you what happened with Kate.

I tried to phone you but it was unobtainable.

Yeah? It must be
something wrong with the phone.

We haven't been cut off.

No, of course not.

Maybe you're being bugged.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

— Well, come in. Tell me what Kate said.
— Yeah.

Why are you dressed like that?

It's my day off.

Can you make that two teas?

What's he doing in here?

Oh, what are you doing in here?

Erm...l just realised we were at school together.

— That's right. We were at school together.
— Oh, that's a coincidence, isn't it?

Yeah, isn't it? Go through.

(John sniggers)

Sit yourself down.

Oh, don't worry. It's not real.

I thought you lived in a penthouse.

What's this? Your weekend place?

I've got something to tell you.

My real name isn't Kirk St Moritz.

No?

No, it's Eric Morris.

Pathetic, isn't it? A grown man has to change
his name to make himself more exciting.

Why?

How'd you like to spend the rest of your life
as Eric Morris?

So you're Eric's friend.

You never said you had any friends.

He never had any friends.

Even when he was at school,
he never had any friends.

They all hated him.

He could have been a postman.

But his feet play him up.

Kirk... Eric.

I know this sounds silly, but...

that is your mum, isn't it?

Yeah. Why?

Nothing. Nothing.

Oh, I look after her, see?

Dad walked out and left us years ago
and she was all on her own.

— I couldn't just leave her.
— No, of course not.

Are you an only...only child?

No. My brother and sister
are both married and out of it.

Well, it's the classic situation, isn't it?

The eldest children leave the nest
and set up homes of their own,

and finally the youngest one
becomes responsible for the ageing parents.

Yeah.

Well, actually, I'm the eldest.

Oh, well, I can sympathise with that,
you see, because...

well, I'm not with my son any more

and I know how badly it's affected him.

My wife Wendy says he still wakes up
in the night calling for me.

Yeah. I know how he feels.

Mum used to say Dad was sailing
round the world looking for treasure.

Oh, Wendy says, "Daddy's been very sick
and is in a padded cell."

There's no telling what that can do
to a boy's mind.

— Yeah, right.
— So um...

How old were you when your father left?

27.

Well, that's...the worst time, isn't it?

It's a...funny age.

I don't believe this.

When you were 27, you believed your father
was sailing round searching for treasure?

Of course I didn't believe it. I'm not stupid.

Tell me the truth for once.
You've never been married, have you?

Who'd have me?

Why did you join a club for divorced people?

Oh, suppose I thought I might
meet someone there — someone desperate.

I've never been a very confident person.

I've always suffered from this inferiority complex.
It stems from my childhood.

I was brought up in total poverty.

The family next door
had a son the same age as me.

My new clothes were his old ones
put out for the rag and bone man.

I see that could be embarrassing
but it's nothing to be ashamed of.

No, you don't understand.
The family next door to us were Buddhists.

I used to go to school in baggy long johns,
rope sandals and a kaftan.

I won the infants school fancy dress contest
without changing my clothes.

I wasn't even in the infants school
fancy dress contest.

Well, I can see how that could possibly
make you feel self—conscious.

And I was an ugly kid. I had big ears.

I'm sure... I'm sure you're imagining that.

I honestly can't think that you were an ugly child.

Yeah? School photograph, 1957.

Yeah, well, the word “ugly",
I mean...that's a bit extreme.

— Look, the child behind...
— I am the child behind.

I've... I've just spotted the prayer cap.

See the ears.
That's what they used to call me.

Big Ears.

Children can be so cruel.

Children? That was my parents.

So...

out of all this was created Kirk St Moritz?

Yeah. See, one night,
I took my mum to a singles bar.

You...took your mum...to a singles bar?

Yeah. Well, didn't want to go on my own.

Anyway, everyone was dancing
and enjoying themselves.

Everyone except me.
I didn't want to dance, anyway.

Didn't you even bother
to ask a woman to dance?

Only one. And she said, "Get lost, you creep!“

And she calls herself a mother!

Anyway...

Suddenly the doors burst open
and this guy walked in.

He had a snakeskin jacket,
gold crucifix, leather trousers,

cowboy boots, diamond—studded shades,

and the whole place stopped and looked at him.

I think I would have stopped and looked at him.

Yeah. Yeah, you would've.

He had electricity.
The atmosphere was tingling.

He strode across the floor like a giant.
He was a king.

Completely confident, totally self—assured.

He snapped his fingers at people
and they jumped.

He had the answer for everything.

But did people like him?

I don't know. They threw him out
cos he wasn't a member.

But I said to myself right there and then,
“I want to be like him.“

Never again would I lower my head
and shuffle past,

hoping people wouldn't notice me.

Never again would I limp to gain sympathy.

You used to limp to gain sympathy?

Only with the chicks.

No, no. From now on, I would strut.

So, the next day...

I ordered some clothes from Mum's catalogue...

and Kirk St Moritz...was born.

But don't you see people don't like you as Kirk?
You'd have more friends being yourself.

Friends?

I'll tell you the sort of friends I used to get.

Years ago, there was this girl.

I really thought a lot of her
but I was too shy to ask her out.

So I got an old friend to do it for me.

He only took her to Brighton
for a dirty weekend first.

- Did he?
— Yeah. That's the sort of friends I used to get.

But as Kirk...l've got real friends.

True mates like you, buddy.

Thanks, Kirk.

That reminds me. What happened with Tiger?

- Oh, that.
— Yeah. How did you get on?

Well, it was all right. I...

I took her out for a chat, as you requested.

Yeah?

I took her back to my place
for...take—away and some wine.

Oh, guy, you shouldn't have gone to
all that bother for me.

Oh, it was no trouble, really.

They broke the mould after they made you.

Well... We drank the wine — all or it —
and, well, we got a bit tipsy as it happens,

and then...then...

..well, then we kind of...

..spent the night together.

Did you ask her about my date?

Not exactly, no.

When I said use your powers of persuasion,
I didn't expect you to go to those lengths.

Well, as I said, we got a bit drunk
and just...conked out.

I mean, I'm not even sure if anything happened.

I know something that never happened.
You never asked about my date.

I'm sure Kate would love to
spend an evening with you,

but with the real you.

Listen, don't mention this to any of the others,
will you?

I doubt if I'll ever see the others again.

Oh, don't be like that.
We're all meeting this evening.

Be there. Please.

— I might.
— And be there as yourself.

But I'm... I'm sorry.

Do you really think Kate would like me...
like this?

Yes.

Well, see you...

Kirk, Eric...whatever.

— Are you going now?
— Er, yes, Mrs Morris.

Kirk...Eric is...

..feeling rather upset.

Why? What's the matter with him?

Well, I've just broken some rather bad news,
you see,

and he's feeling rather fragile,

so I wonder if you could just be
a little understanding towards him.

Of course.

Hey...Big Ears! What's wrong with you?

You did what?!

You've arranged a date
between me and that imbecile?

I didn't arrange anything.
I just said you'd go out with him.

Well, thank you very much indeed!

I've been trying to tell you
for the last 15 minutes, he is different.

That brash, arrogant character that we know

is just a manifestation behind which
he hides his weaknesses.

Hmm...paranoid schizophrenia.

My ex—husband had a couple of bouts of it.

Did he have to see a psychiatrist?

No, my solicitor cured him.

Threatened to claim maintenance
from both of him.

He's much better now.

Kirk is not schizophrenic. It's just an act.

He's like a twin personality.

Oh, two of the Beverley Sisters are twins.

Are they really?

Look, many famous people
have got another side to their psyche.

— Jekyll and Hyde.
— No, I mean real people, Ralph.

— Like Van Gogh. Alexander the Great.
— The Boston Strangler.

There's nothing dangerous about him.

Is there anyone here, apart from Ralph, who
doesn't pretend to be something they're not?

We're brought up to pretend.

Don't let them see you're hurt.
Put on a happy face.

Smile though your heart is breaking.

Grab your coat and get your hat.
Leave your worries on the doorstep.

Shut up, Ralph!

So sometimes we all have to smile
when we don't feel like it,

pretend we like someone when we don't.

But we don't all go round wearing cowboy boots,
pretending we're spies and making "frigid" jokes.

Which reminds me.

Could I have a word with you in private?

What is it?

— Last night...
— Yes?

Well... What happened?

— You mean you don't remember?
— No.

Oh, hell, I thought you'd be able to tell me.

— You mean, you don't remember either?
— Not a thing.

Well, maybe nothing happened.

— Maybe.
- Oh.

Oh, well, if you should remember anything
in the future...let me know.

Yeah, of course.

It's way past 8:30.
Our table at the restaurant will be waiting.

He's obviously not going to turn up,
so shall we go?

Give him another minute. He'll be here.

I feel certain he'll come crashing
through that door any second now.

No, he won't. Kirk St Moritz would do that,
but Eric Morris wouldn't.

He's a quiet, almost meek person.

Now, when he arrives,
you'll be surprised at his appearance.

Try and hide your surprise.

It's like being in a science fiction film, isn't it?

Mm. The Alien.

He'll be nervous when he arrives,
so let's try and welcome him.

Let's try and draw him out.

You make him sound like a splinter, dear.

I mean, just treat him like a brand—new member.

Somebody we don't know.

That's how he'll appear.
Somebody we don't know.

That's not him, is it?

Don't be so stupid, Ralph.

Well, you said we wouldn't recognise him.

People rejoice.

Good times have arrived.

How's my date for this evening, then, eh?

I'll get us some champagne,
then we'll be ready to rock and roll.

Bottle of shampoo, love. Two glasses.

Excuse me.

— I'd like a word with you.
— That's rich — you'd like a word with me?

Don't you ever come to any of my addresses
without letting me know.

— You nearly blew the entire operation.
— I just came round...

Operation?

I was on surveillance.

Bulgarian infiltrators.

We were about to put the caper to bed
when you came.

“Has anyone seen Kirk St Moritz?“
You nearly blew my cover.

So you do your spying from home, do you?
What's your code name — Big Ears?

Home? You don't think
I live in that dump, do you?

Just don't foul up on me again.

I tried to call you
but your phone had been cut off.

Don't be a fool, guy.
The phone was on scramble.

The only thing on scramble is your brains.

Z was all for having you liquidated
but I said, "Whoa, the cat is cool.“

Z?

— You met Z.
— No, the only person I met was your mum.

He had you fooled as well, did he?

Good.

♫ People change

♫ Can't explain

♫ Like the weather

♫ One day sun, next day rain

♫ Whatever happened to the plans we made?

♫ Seems that they ended with the masquerade

♫ Life goes on

♫ Right or wrong

♫ Now it's all been said and done

♫ Dear John