Dear John (1986–1987): Season 1, Episode 5 - Toby - full transcript

— (Door opens)
— Darling, I'm home.

♫ Dear John

♫ Dear John

I By the time you read these lines, I'll be gone

♫ Life goes on

♫ Right or wrong

♫ Now it's all been said and done

♫ Dear John

♫ So long

♫ Seems we've sung love's last song

♫ Dear John



When my first marriage broke up,
I felt worthless,

guilty.

Well, I was to blame
even though I couldn't help it.

Take your time, dear.
You've got all the time in the world.

When my second marriage ended,
the sense of failure was almost suffocating.

It was like being in a straitjacket,

walking through a fog.

How did you feel
when your third marriage broke up?

— Oh, terrific, Ralph. Cloud nine.
— Sorry.

All three ended
because of your physical inability

to enjoy the physical aspects of marriage.

I don't know how to put it nicely.

— That's what I was thinking.
— Let me try.

I think we've all got the picture, thank you.



Did any of your husbands
have sexual problems?

Not until they married me.

Don't put yourself down, Kate.

For all you know it may have been their fault.

They may have created
this reluctance within you.

Men can be such brutes.

I have a machine for that kind of thing.

What?!

It's very handy. It runs on batteries.

— I take it everywhere with me.
— I don't think we want to see it, dear.

Oh. That's a funny one, isn't it?

It's a personal security device

in case a strange man should start to make
unwanted sexual advances.

Oh, I see. You've bought it
as a present for someone, have you?

Oh, no, it's mine.

It's called a Mini Attack Alarm.

No—one's going to attack your Mini, Mrs Arnott.

Don't you read the papers?

Vandals these days attack upmarket motors,
like Jags and Mercs.

Yes, but I haven't got a car.

So if a strange man menaces me in the street,
I just switch it on.

(Piercing hooter)

And what does it do?

Well, it makes that sound.

Oh, I see. Thus frightening off the assailant
and drawing the attention of passers—by etc.

Very clever.

Are you all right, dear?

— Yes, I'm fine.
— Good.

One thing you've never mentioned.
Do you have any children?

No. No children.

I think that's been one of my problems.

I always longed for a child.

Do you have a family, Louise?

No. We couldn't.

My husband had a vein.

We toyed with the idea of adoption once.

We wanted a Vietnamese baby.
They were all the go in Esher at the time.

But the paperwork was such a bore.

We got a fox terrier instead.

It's just as well. Adopting a Vietnamese kid
is just loaded with problems.

Such as?

For a start you would never ever know
what the kid was saying.

I do believe he's serious.

Blomleke and I used to talk about
starting a family.

Well, I did most of the talking,
what with her being Polish, you see.

I wanted a son to carry on the family name.

I wanted to call him Bing.

Bing?

I've always been a fan of
those old Hollywood musicals.

I wanted to call him Bing after Bing Crosby.

We guessed you didn't call him Bing
after Perry Como, dear.

The point is, Ralph,

that your surname is Dring.

This means your son would have been called
Bing Dring.

— Bing Dring.
— Bing Dring.

Answer that for me, would you, Mrs Arnott?

Bing Dring isn't a boy's name, Ralph.
It's a Chinese meal.

As I said, I happen to like musicals.

Ralph, I happen to like football,
but I wouldn't call my kid Eusebio.

Eusebio St Moritz... Hey, that's not bad, is it?

Were any of your husbands like him?

Oh, no, they were all intelligent.

Do you hope to marry again one day?

Maybe. If I found the right person.

How about putting an ad
in the personal column of the War Cry?

"Frigid chick seeks Eskimo with separate beds.“

Why don't you get off my back!

Don't you dare.

Hey.

Why don't you join a computer dating agency?

Only creepy people join them.

I joined one once.

All you do is give them your personal details —

interests and hobbies, likes and dislikes,

and a recent photograph of yourself.

Then they put it all through the computer and
match you with various compatible partners.

I don't think I like the idea
of getting a blind date from a robot.

I didn't get any dates.

— None?
— No. But that was my fault. I was too eager.

I wanted everything to happen at once.

I've always had this sort of wild streak.

Hm?

— How long were you with them?
— A year and three months.

— That's hardly any time at all, is it?
— No.

As I say, I should have been a bit more patient.

Miss Williams?

— Ms.
- What?

Ms Williams.

Yeah, well, do you mind
moving that vehicle of yours?

It's blocking the entrance to the car park.

Yes, yes, I'll be right there. Now get out.

Sorry about that.

I think we'll end the evening on that note.
It's been very...

Yes.

Before you go,
I must remind you that Mrs Boyd—Peters —

she's a Wednesday night person —

has invited us all round to her flat
on Sunday evening.

Would the ladies bring food
and the gentlemen wine? Yah? Good.

— What time on Sunday?
— Eight o'clock. Address on the noticeboard.

— Can't you make it?
— I might be a bit late.

I'm taking my son out for the day.

Can't you cancel the kid?

I can't. Sunday's the only day I get to see him.

Have you got any children?

Who knows?

Why do you even talk to it?

As I've mentioned before, poor Mrs Boyd—Peters
has a particularly distressing problem.

She's most conscious of it, so I would ask
that no—one embarrass her by commenting.

Or making idiotic jokes about it.

She's suffered enough, poor dear.
She's been a martyr to it for years.

Made Page 3 of The Lancet once.

What is the problem?

Well, it's difficult to know how to tell you.

They're on the verge of civil unrest
in that car park. Are you going to move it?

Yes, yes, I'm coming right now.

Odious little pleb.

I'll tell you all about it on Sunday. Ciao!

— Bye, Louise.
— Ta—ra.

— I wonder what it can be.
— Nerves, maybe.

Hey, maybe she's a nymphomaniac.

Oh, God.

Two gins and she's swinging naked
from the chandelier.

I hope not. I can't stand party—poopers.

Do try to have a nice day with Daddy, darling.

Is he taking me to the zoo again?

No, of course he's not taking you
to the zoo again.

You're not taking him to the zoo again, are you?

Er, no, we'll go somewhere else this week.

For the last six Sundays on the trot
he's been to the zoo.

I know, I've been with him.

Just try to be a bit more original.

Where have I heard that before?

Let's not have an argument in front of Toby
and the neighbours.

Where would you like to go?
You name it and Daddy will take you.

Disneyland!

Daddy can't take you to Disneyland.

- Oh.
— It's along way and it costs a lot of money.

— Don't make him promises you can't keep.
— How the hell can I take him to Disney...

We'll go somewhere better than Disneyland.

— Not the zoo.
— No, not the zoo.

Make sure he gets something to eat,
and I don't mean a hamburger.

Message received. Come on, let's go.

Wave goodbye to Mummy.

Are we driving?

— Daddy hasn't got a car.
— You used to have a car.

The nice judge gave it to Mummy,

which is only fair because Mummy
has to take you to school.

— Uncle Mike takes me to school.
— Does he?

Good for Uncle Mike.

Mummy has to collect you from school,
so she needs a car.

Even though the school's just round the corner.

Where shall we go?

Let me see. There's not a lot open on a Sunday.

JOHN:
Look at that big penguin. He must be new.

TOBY: He was here last week.

— Was he?
— And the week before.

— Really?
— He's here every week.

The first time we saw him he was an egg.

— So he was.
— Next time we come back, he might be dead.

Let's hope not, eh?

Uncle Mike said he'd take me and Mummy
to Disneyland one day.

— Mummy and me.
— Are you coming with us?

No, it's not "me and Mummy“,
it's “Mummy and me“.

It doesn't matter.

Uncle Mike's teaching me to play rugby.

Is he? Do you remember
when I used to play rugby with you?

Yes, but Uncle Mike's good.

Is he? Good.

— You like Uncle Mike, don't you?
— Yes, he makes me laugh.

That's nice. I'm glad you're happy.

Why don't you love Mummy any more?

If I remember rightly,
you promised you wouldn't mention that again.

You promised you wouldn't take me
to the zoo again.

Yes.

Come here.

You see, Mummy and Daddy do still love
each other but in a different way now.

Sometimes people get...
well, fed up with each other.

Sometimes they decide everyone will be much
happier if they went to live in different houses.

That's silly.

Yeah. Grown—ups are very silly things.

Do you love Mummy?

— Let's go over there.
- Why?

I don't know why. Let's go over there.

— There's a hamburger bar.
— Can I have an ice cream?

Yes, you can have an ice cream
and a hamburger and lots of fun. Come on.

He's been sick in the bathroom.

You should have been on the bus with us.

What did you give him to eat?

All he had was a salad, a slice of wholemeal
bread and a glass of pure orange.

Maybe he's got a bug.

If you thought he had a bug,
why did you keep him out so late?

We had to get off three different buses.

Have you ever had to wait for a bus
on a Sunday?

I suppose so.

I wish you wouldn't keep buying him
all these toys and caps.

He's got a roomful of fluffy gorillas and giraffes.

We've got more baseball caps
than the Brooklyn Dodgers. You spoil him.

Of course I spoil him. I don't see him that much.

When I do, I like to give him a day to remember.

Yes, he said he enjoyed the zoo again.

All right, so I took him to the zoo again.

Sunday is the only day
I'm allowed to see my son.

What's open on a bloody Sunday?

Would you like some salt and vinegar for it?

— For what?
— For that chip on your shoulder.

How do you expect me to feel?
This used to be my home.

I still pay the mortgage on it.

Now I'm just a visitor here.

Every time you come here we end up arguing.

Can't we at least try to be friends?

Yeah, yeah, I'm sorry.

I won't say anything else to upset you.

Where's...Mike?

He went to the rugby club for a lunchtime drink.

It's twenty to seven.

Yes, well, he probably got talking.

He's always enjoyed talking, hasn't he?

Must make his throat dry.

That's probably why he likes to drink so much.

Possibly. Would you like a drink?

No, I'm going.

— Just one.
— All right, then.

Would you like to help yourself?
I've got to check dinner.

You know where the cocktail cabinet is.

Of course I do. I bought the bloody thing.

Oh, I see I'm buying more whisky these days.

Sorry?

I'm glad to see I'm keeping you and Mike in the
manner to which you've become accustomed.

We've discussed this before.
The maintenance money you give is for Toby.

Oh, so Toby drinks Glenfiddich now?

What makes you think Mike didn't buy it?

Because Mike is tight, that's why.

The only whisky he's ever drunk
is other people's.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I just can't help it.

This room's full of memories.

Memories of us.

Isn't it the same for you?

Yes, that's why I had it redecorated.

Do you remember you had a nervous
breakdown over the wallpaper when we moved?

Yes. And you caught mumps
off the boy next door.

That's right. I looked like Jabba the Hutt.

Then Toby fell down the stairs.

We rushed him to hospital,
thought he'd broken his leg.

— Good old days.
— Yes.

It was after that things started to go wrong,
didn't they?

Yes.

Still, we had some good times, didn't we?

No.

Oh, come on, Wendy, be fair.

Maybe we did have some good times.

I just don't remember them very well, that's all.

All I remember is you spending every evening
and weekend

marking homework from your rotten school.

— I was a teacher.
— I figured that one out for myself.

I know you had to bring the work home.

I just wanted you to spend a little time with me.

I wanted you to notice me.

I wanted you to talk to me.

Not just, "Good morning"
and "Have you turned the blanket on?“

Maybe I was a bit preoccupied with my career,

but I was ambitious, not just for me,
but for you and Toby.

I wanted you to have things, everything.

— I wish you'd told me how you felt.
— I did tell you.

Yes. As we were leaving the divorce court.

(Phone rings)

Hello.

It's Mike.

Hello, darling.

Mm. I see.

And who did we get talking to today?

Oh, really? How exciting.

Frankly, I don't give a damn if you've been
talking to the president of the All bloody Blacks.

I'm sick and tired of you phoning me
with your puerile excuses

as to why you should stay out late
drinking with your boozy mates.

Now, you listen and listen carefully.

As soon as John's gone, I'm locking the doors.

Yes, you do that. You go to Brian's.
And as far as I'm concerned you can go to hell.

Everything all right?

Yes. Perfect.

— Have you eaten yet?
— Toby and I had a hamburger earlier.

No, Toby had the salad
and the wholemeal bread and I...

Would you like to have dinner with me?

That's very nice of you, Wendy, but I can't.

Please.

— I promised to be somewhere.
— Just for me.

Um... Um...

I don't know whether I should apologise or not.

What for?

— I think you already know.
— Surprise me.

For the last 15 minutes
I've been playing footsie with you.

Have you?

Oh, what a shame.
I took my shoes off during the ice cream.

Oh.

I think it's so nice to be able to take things off,
don't you?

I used to be able to take off a cuckoo
when I was a kid.

I never noticed you had
such dashing Latin features.

I think I've had too much to drink.

Oh, well, never mind, eh?

Are you trying to get me drunk?

(Tuts) Perish the thought.

You are.

Because you remember
that when I've had one too many,

I begin to feel incredibly sexy.

— Really?
— You rascal.

(She moans)

Well, here we are, then.

Quite like old times.

Mmm... Not much happening.

I'll soon put a stop to that.

Are you making a pass at me?

Got it in one.

John. Be rough with me.

- What?
— Be rough with me.

Oh, Wendy,
you know I can never get the hang of that.

Please. Please. You know! love it
when you're rough with me.

Yes, but... Oh, all right.

— What was that for?
— I told you. I'm not very good at it.

I want you to treat me
like a naughty little schoolgirl.

OK. Write me 50 lines by the morning.

(Door closes)

— Does Toby ever come down for water?
— Never.

MAN: Wendy?

— It's Mike.
- Oh, heII.

John.

Mike!

So, how you been doing?

Oh, I've been doing all right, Mike.

Wendy and I have been discussing
maintenance money.

I thought she looked a bit flushed.

I thought you were going to Brian's house.

I changed my mind.
You haven't any objections, have you?

After all, this is my house.

It didn't have anything to do with the fact
I told you John was here, did it?

Oh, Wendy, so that's what you're trying to do.
Make me jealous.

Yes.

And it worked, didn't it?

(Chuckles) Yeah.

— I'll see if there's anything to eat.
— Good girl.

I'm famished.

She used me to make you jealous.

That's just her way.

Toby enjoy himself?

Yeah, he seemed to have a good time.

Ah, good.

He was worried stiff
you'd take him to the zoo again.

— Fancy a drink?
— No, I'm going home.

We haven't had a drink together for ages.

We used to be such good mates.

When I came down to London,
you were the one who took me under your wing,

helped me settle in the big city,
invited me to dinner.

You repaid me by having an affair with my wife,

you broke up my marriage
and then had me thrown out of my house.

That still rankles with you, doesn't it?

— I'd thought you'd have forgotten by now.
— How could I?

I'm reminded when I pay the mortgage,
the rates and the loan for the car.

John, believe me, I don't like this situation
any more than you do.

Then why don't you take over the payments?

I would if! could but I can't.

— Why not?
— Because the judge said you had to pay it.

We can't go against the word of law.

Don't worry, Mike. I'll give you an alibi.

— That would be hypocritical.
— Hypocritical?

Look...we're both teachers, right?

So on the one hand we'd be telling our pupils
obey the letter of the law,

on the other hand
we'd be acting like bloody anarchists.

No, it's something we both have
to learn to live with.

That shouldn't be too difficult for you, should it?

You're good at living with things.
Say good night to Wendy.

— I'll show you to the door.
— Oh, you've found your bearings now?

Don't bother. I remember where it is.

Don't forget what the doctor said.

Bathe it regularly.

I'm a Wednesday night person.

That's cool.

You're a Friday night person, aren't you?

I'm an every—night person, babe.
What you see is what you get.

Yes.

Is your friend coming tonight?

— Friend?
— John.

Who knows?
And when you're with me, who cares?

— Are you enjoying yourselves?
— Yes. Thank you very much, Mrs Boyd—Peters.

Louise.

What is her problem? You said you'd tell us.

I can't tell you now, dear. She's within earshot.

Well, if this problem should manifest itself
during the course of the evening,

will we be aware of it?

Oh, yes.

Yes, Ralph, you'll be left in no doubt.

It's all going rather swimmingly, isn't it, dear?

Oh! Um...

— John.
— John.

I'd like you to meet our hostess.

This is Mrs Boyd—Peters.

— Nice to meet you, Mrs Boyd—Peters.
— And you.

Louise has told me so much about you.

Oh, it's such a shame.

Sorry?

A marriage breaking up,
especially with a young child involved.

— Oh, I see what you mean.
— Still, I imagine you're over it all now.

Yes, yes, it's all in the past.

And Louise is such a treasure, isn't she?

Yes.

I don't know what I'd have done without her.

Do enjoy yourself.
There's plenty to eat and drink.

Ah, John.

You've met the mysterious Mrs Boyd—Peters,
then.

— Have you discovered what the problem is?
— Not a clue.

Louise just said we'll know when it happens.

Hey, guy, you're here.

I've just invented this brand—new game.

It's called
"flicking cashew nuts at Mrs Arnott's head“.

— Have some ammo.
— Why do you have to do stupid things like that?

That's the kind of guy I am, Tiger.
Anyway, you're not in our game.

Kirk, I've had a bad day. I'm not in the mood
for flicking cashew nuts at Mrs Arnott's head.

— Ralphie?
— Oh, no, thanks, Kirk.

I always lose.

(Breaks wind)

I do beg your pardon. I'm very sorry.

— Was that you, John?
— Of course it wasn't.

How come you're taking the rap for the old bag?

He's not taking the rap.

He's simply trying to save the lady
from embarrassment.

(Breaks wind)

Do excuse me.

This is weird. Ralphie's doing it now.
Hey, Ralphie, people might think it was you.

Don't be silly, Kirk. Everyone knows it wasn't me.

It's an old—fashioned thing
called being a gentleman.

Something you'd know nothing about.

You think I can't be a gentleman.

I can be a gentleman, Tiger. You wait.

Hello. Again.

Oh, hello, um...

Sylvia.

Sylvia. Sorry.

It's such a shame about Mrs Boyd—Peters,
isn't it?

— Yes, it must be very difficult for her.
— Mm.

And she's such a lovely person.

We've all known her for years
and take no notice.

But certain people can be so thoughtless.

We were at this fete at the vicarage last month,

and Mrs Boyd—Peters was having
a particularly bad day.

Some of the cruel, cruel comments
that were shouted out.

"I'll name that tune in one.“

Things like that.

No. Really?

You don't expect that sort of thing
from a man of the cloth, do you?

No. No, you certainly don't.

Still, she's among friends now.

John, I'm so glad I bumped into you.

I'm having a little dinner party at my house
next Saturday.

I wondered if you'd like to come.

Thank you, Sylvia, but to be honest
I'm not really one for social gatherings.

(Laughs) It's not really a social gathering.

There'll only be you and me there.

My children are spending the weekend
with their father.

Oh, I see. I'm not really sure
what's happening next weekend.

John? Sorry to interrupt.

I've got a headache
so I'm going to sneak away.

Oh... Hold on, I'll come with you.

I've got a bit of a headache myself.

Will you excuse me, Sylvia?

Only, Kate's not feeling very well
and I said that I'd see her home safely.

Oh. Well, I hope you feel better soon.

Here's my home telephone number.

Perhaps you could give me a ring,
let me know what your plans are.

Of course.

Bye for now.

(Breaks wind)

That's all right, Mrs Boyd—Peters.
You have that one on me.

There, there.

I'll get my coat.

— Are you all right?
— Yeah.

It's just that the events of today
have made me realise

just how thoughtless and bloody rotten
people can be to each other.

Sometimes people don't mean it

but a thoughtless word or gesture
can be as painful as the most deliberate jibe.

John, could I write my office number
on that piece of paper?

♫ People change

♫ Can't explain

♫ Like the weather

♫ One day sun, next day rain

♫ Whatever happened to the plans we made?

♫ Seems that they ended with the masquerade

♫ Life goes on

♫ Right or wrong

♫ Now it's all been said and done

♫ Dear John