Dear John (1986–1987): Season 1, Episode 3 - Death - full transcript
(Door opens) Darling, I'm home.
♫ Dear John
♫ Dear John
♫ By the time you read these lines, I'll be gone
♫ Life goes on
♫ Right or wrong
♫ Now it's all been said and done
♫ Dear John
♫ So long
♫ Seems we've sung love's last song
♫ Dear John
♫ Seems we've sung love's last song
♫ Dear John
♬ CULTURE CLUB: The War Song ♬
Here we go, then.
♪ What's mine's my own, I won't give it to you
♪ No matter what you say
no matter what you do
♪ Now we 're fighting in our hearts
♪ Fighting in the streets
♪ Won't somebody help me?
♪ War war is stupid and people are stupid...
Excuse me?
— I wonder if you could help me.
— All the information's on the desk, guv'nor.
Rates rebates, free bus passes, nuclear news —
it's all there.
No, I've been invited to a...
discotheque.
Have you?
(Sighs)
A man of his age!
Yeah, we've got three on tonight.
There's a gay gala in the Oscar Wilde Suite.
It's Grab—a—Granny Night in the main hall.
And the divorced and desperate mob
have got the green room.
— That's me.
— Over there, on the left.
Thanks for your help.
Oi, mate?
You ain't gay or disabled, are you?
— No, I'm just a bit nervous.
— Oh, pity.
If you was,
the Council would give you a free lift home.
Thanks.
♬ FREEEZ: I.O.U. ♬
LOUISE: Were there any sexual problems?
The Grab—a—Granny Night is erm...
In the main hall.
Thanks. You never know.
♪ I need your touch
♪ And I owe you so much
♪ A-E, A-E-I-O-U-U...
..I feel that one must never forget
the precise spatial viability concept.
Or the principle of expressive awareness
as it's more commonly known
as outlined, of course, in Gestalt psychology.
Oh, yes. I forgot about that.
So many people do. More's the pity.
— Louise?
— Oh, hello, dear.
— Er...Sylvia, this is erm...
— John.
Oh, yes. John — Sylvia.
— Nice to meet you, Sylvia.
— Hello.
(Giggles)
Yes...
— I'm sorry, I've interrupted you.
— That's all right.
We were just discussing
Sylvia's sexual problems.
She has a hang—up about whether or not
to fondle on the first date.
— What do you think?
— Me?
Well, I don't really know.
I suppose I'm old—fashioned, but...
I always think the man
should make the first move.
I meant that.
Oh, I see. I'm sorry.
I see this as an inter—relative human situation,
with no rationale by which to judge individual
subjectivity, personal behaviour patterns,
gender complexities,
perceptive values at any given time, yah?
Yah.
On the other hand,
a bit of what you fancy does you good.
Yes, well, I'll see you later.
— (Giggles)
— Bye.
Nice girl. Despite everything.
I'm sorry I'm late. That man out there
sent me straight to the main hall.
Don't worry, Mrs Arnott. It's just as well
you didn't show up any sooner.
It's only just got going.
— Can I get you a drink?
— That's very kind of you, dear.
A dry cider, please.
Oh, a Campari and soda, please.
Fine. Won't be a moment.
God, it's turned up again.
Louise. If I beat some guys up here tonight,
I want you to know it's not my fault.
My responsibilities have been diminished.
— We believe you, dear.
— That guy out there is something else.
Oh, he sent me straight to the main hall.
Oh, yeah? You should have been in
the Oscar Wilde Suite with me. Wargh!
Just say you would.
Hi, name's Kirk. How would you like to be
on the floor with me?
He could be such a nice boy if he could
only learn to overcome his basic shyness.
♬ BILLY OCEAN: Loverboy ♬
— Hello.
— Kate.
— How long have you been here?
— Too long.
Will you look at that?
♪ With somebody else
♪ Gotta have your love, gotta have it all...
Good Lord.
It's more like a cattle market.
I feel as though I've been unloaded for auction.
— Not enjoying it, then?
— I hate it.
I've had one dance with Dirty Harry over there.
His hands were all over me.
Your imagination.
It was like dancing
with some sort of creeping disease.
— Maybe it was accidental.
— Accidental?
He did a smooch to Jumping Jack Flash.
Anyway, what did you mean
it was my imagination?
Nothing.
— You must have meant something.
— Well, I thought perhaps because of you being...
Because of your little, shall we say, problem?
You mean because I told you I was frigid?
No! Yes.
Why did I mention that? I should have known
I'd have it thrown straight back in my face.
Oh, don't be silly, Kate.
None of us would ever mention it.
You just did mention it.
Yes, but that was in a constructive way.
Constructive? You've just demolished me
and you call it constructive?
— Would you like a drink?
— No, thank you.
Kate, listen to me for a moment.
None of us in the group
will ever mention it again.
Do you know why?
One, we respect your honesty.
And two, we like you too much.
You're not just saying it?
No, it's the truth. Scout's honour.
— In that case I'll have a gin and tonic, please.
— Of course.
Erm...gin and tonic, please.
Hey, it's Frigid Brigid.
— Ice and lemon?
— Why don't you drop dead, cretin!
— Can't you take a joke?
— Can't you take an overdose?
Try and be nice to a chick
and this is what you get.
— I wonder what's happened to Ralph.
— I don't know and don't particularly care.
— I phoned him earlier. He said he's not coming.
— But why?
— He said he was looking forward to this evening.
- Oh, God!
Well, between the three of us,
I think Ralphie's upset about something.
— What makes you think that?
— Just little things I've picked up on.
He didn't wanna come out,
or borrow my Electric Blue video.
Then all of a sudden, bursts into tears,
said something about ending it all
and slammed down the phone.
And from this you deduced that he was upset.
Yeah, yeah. Gut feeling, intuition.
Call it what you like.
— Did you say anything to him?
— Yeah, I said,
"If you're gonna be a wimp all your life,
nobody will miss you."
I'll bring the car round to the front.
— Didn't you give him any words of comfort?
— They were words of comfort.
— Hey, there's nothing to worry about.
— Nothing to worry about?
Is it normal for a person to burst into tears,
threaten to take their own life
and slam the phone down?
Yeah. Every chick I've ever been out with
has done that.
Hey, let's boogie.
— (Knocking)
JOHN: Ralph. Open the door, Ralph.
— (Doorbell)
— Ralph, it's me, Kate.
Please open the door.
He's definitely in.
I can see his motorcycling gear.
— What are we gonna do?
— Bust the door down.
Let's hurry.
- (Thud)
— Let me try.
Oh! Hello, John, Kate.
— You all right?
— I'm fine, Ralph. How are you?
Oh, I'm all right, thank you. (Sobs)
Come on, there's no use trying to hide it from us.
Can we come in?
If you like.
(Ralph blows his nose)
Would you like a cup of tea or coffee?
— No, we want to know what's wrong with you.
— We'd like to help.
You can't help me, Kate. Neither of you can.
Well, we can't if you won't tell us.
Please, Ralph, what is it?
All right, then. I'll tell you.
It's the family curse.
Curse? Oh, come on, Ralph.
That's just superstitious nonsense.
You don't know the history behind it, John.
My grandfather was a member of the team
that discovered the Temple of Tutankhamen.
Inside the tomb
there was this curse written on the wall.
I mean, it wasn't written in English.
You know, "That's it. You're all cursed now."
Oh, no. It was in Egyptian hieroglyphics.
I don't have to tell you this, John.
You're a teacher,
you must know the legend better than me.
Well, actually, Ralph, I'm a language teacher.
Oh, you could most probably
have read the curse then.
Anyway, that night when they left the temple
my grandfather got cut off from the main party.
For five days he wandered through
that scorching desert without a drop of water.
It wasn't till the sixth day
that he finally found an oasis.
Well, OK, Ralph, that's an awful experience,
but it isn't a curse.
No? As he bent down to drink
he slipped in and drowned.
Well, that's bad luck. Just very bad luck.
It's been with my family ever since.
— My father had nothing but bad luck.
— Well, such as?
Well, he married my mother.
— And they had me.
— Now, Ralph, don't talk like that, please.
It's all right, Kate.
I know I was a great disappointment to him.
He told me once that when they discovered
my mother was pregnant,
she wished for a boy and he wished for a girl.
And when I was born they were both happy.
Perhaps he didn't mean it like that.
It's just your interpretation.
Well, interpret this for me.
On Monday I went into work
to be given a fortnight's notice.
In just over a week from now I'll be unemployed.
That's terrible, Ralph, but something will turn up.
Ralph, there are four million unemployed. They
don't blame it on the curse of Tutankhamen.
That's as maybe,
but I came home that evening to find that...
to find that...Terry had died.
Terry? Who's Terry, Ralph?
Not who is, who was. He's dead, remember.
Sorry.
He was my best friend.
We'd been together for years.
Did he live here with you?
Mm.
I phoned for help, but it was too late.
They said if they could have got here sooner,
they may have been able to save him.
— What did he die of?
— Red leg.
What?
Red leg!
— Red leg?
— Yeah.
Eurgh!
— Well, it's a terrapin.
— This is him?
Yes. Terry the terrapin.
This was his little home.
He'd been with me since I was a kid.
I used to breed them, you see.
Once I had about 20 of them,
but over the years they all went.
Except for Terry.
I thought about burying him out in the garden,
but I haven't been able to do it yet.
So, this week I have lost my job,
my best friend has died
and, oh, yes, my electric razor broke
so I can't even go out because I look so scruffy.
Oh!
Poor Ralph.
Couldn't you use an ordinary razor?
No, I've got this skin complaint.
It always happens when the family curse strikes.
Ralph, listen to me for one minute.
Three years ago
I had a happy and contented family life.
Well, I was happy.
One afternoon I came home to find a letter from
my wife informing me our marriage was finished
and she was leaving me for another man.
In the time it took for a judge to sign his name
on a piece of paper
I lost my wife, my child, my home
and almost my sanity.
But I don't think it was a curse. Do I?
No.
But it's always happening to me.
A few years ago I bought a little caravan
down by the coast.
It was only a tiny thing, but it had a cooker,
a sink and a little toilet.
I could be on my own there.
I planned to spend holidays
and weekends there. I painted it myself.
The bottom half was red, the top half white.
I was really proud of that little caravan.
And then one day a letter arrived at my house
reminding me that the insurance on the caravan
was due in 10 days' time.
What with one thing and another,
I forgot all about it.
The day after the insurance expired,
a gang of drunken louts shoved my caravan
down a steep embankment.
It finished up lying on its roof, a total write—off.
That's my luck.
That's just common vandalism.
Thousands of people have suffered like you.
The first car I ever had was an old Morris Minor.
Only cost me 50 pounds.
But I cleaned it religiously. Hand—painted it.
It became my little pride and joy.
Then one night some hooligans stole it.
The police found it two days later
smashed to pieces. It's the same thing.
No, it's different.
It isn't, Ralph. It's exactly the same.
No, it's not. Kate wasn't sitting in her Morris
Minor when those hooligans smashed it.
You...you were in your caravan?
Yes. It was awful.
It suddenly started shaking and rolling forward.
Then it went on its roof.
Everything was crashing around inside.
The whole of my life flashed before me.
Bloody depressing that was.
I was trapped upside down for two days.
I can never watch The Poseidon Adventure
without a chill running down my spine.
Couldn't you have climbed out of a window?
The toilet didn't have a window.
You were in the... Oh, God!
I lay there for 48 hours
with the blood rushing to my head,
tapping out an SOS in Morse code
on the toilet wall.
Finally, some caring looters heard my cries
for help and phoned the fire brigade.
Well, they could hardly cut me out for laughing.
All right, Ralph, so it was a bad experience.
A bad experience?
Have you ever been trapped for two days
upside down in a lavatory?
Not that I can recollect, no.
All I can say is I hope it never happens to you.
So do I, Ralph. But surely your luck
must have changed after that?
Oh, yes. It deteriorated.
A year after that
my parents threw me out of the house.
Six months later
my wife left me at our wedding reception.
And I've just had a week like this.
I'll be honest with the two of you.
I'm a bit fed up at the moment.
There is one small consolation in all this, Ralph.
Of course there is.
What?
Your luck can only get better.
I mean, how can it get any worse?
Hey, Ralphie!
How did you get in here?
The front door's wide open.
Why aren't you at the disco?
I was thrown out.
Some guy got really aggressive with me
because I happened to mention
his chick looked like a Smurf.
— How you feeling, buddy?
— Oh, not too bad, Kirk.
— Yeah? You look a mess.
— Ralph's had rather a bad week.
He's lost his job, his best friend's died
and his electric razor's broken.
Oh, jeez.
Makes you wonder if life's worth it, doesn't it?
I reckon you're cursed, Ralphie.
There is no such thing as a curse.
OK, guy, take it easy.
You ought to get out of here more often,
Ralphie.
This dump could make a Redcoat depressed.
You got anything to drink?
I think there's a can of lager in the kitchen.
— I'll get it.
- Eh!
Can't you keep that stupid mouth of yours
closed for 10 seconds?
What is it with you, Tiger?
I come round here to cheer up my buddy
and this is what I get.
Cheer him up? Thanks to you
he's almost on the verge of cutting his wrists.
(Gasps) He's in the kitchen. All those knives.
— We mustn't leave him out there alone.
— What happens when we leave here tonight?
I hadn't thought of that.
All right, well, I'll stay here the night with him.
I'll sleep on the settee.
We just mustn't leave him alone.
— I'll be in the kitchen if you need me.
— Check the cupboards for drugs.
Good idea. I could do with something.
What's all this about, then?
Woargh! What an ugly little thing.
And this is what Ralphie's
getting into bits about?
Yep.
Well, can't he set traps?
Put some poison down for 'em?
Poison? This is his friend that died.
That was his friend?
Oh, boy, has Ralphie got problems.
What is that thing, anyway?
It looks like a midget turtle.
It's a terrapin.
Ralph's had him since he was a child.
He kept it in that aquarium. And his death,
on top of everything else, has upset him.
So why's he keeping the body in the flat?
That's hardly likely to cheer him up.
He thought of getting rid of it,
burying it outside in the garden,
but he hasn't got round to it.
— We'll have to do it for him.
— It looks like it.
- I'll do it.
— You? No.
Thanks for the offer, Kirk, but I'll do it.
Oh, wait a minute.
— Tiger's looking after Ralphie in the kitchen.
— Hm.
You're gonna stay here all night,
keep an eye on him?
So let me do something for him.
— I'd like to think that I helped in some way.
— You?
I'm not an empty shell.
Inside here lives a person.
Oh, let me do something for him.
Please.
This is nice of you, Kirk.
That's the sort of guy I am.
I always thought it might be.
— Leave it, Ralph. I'll wipe it up in a minute.
— It's all right, Kate, I'll run a cloth over it.
He's spilt most of it.
His nerves are at breaking point.
— If he's no better I'll call a doctor in the morning.
— (Sighs) Where's Stupid gone?
He's in charge of the terrapin's burial ceremony.
You're letting Kirk dispose of the body?
No, it's OK. I know what you think of Kirk
and I don't blame you,
but I've got a feeling
that inside that flash, crass exterior
there's a really nice guy struggling to get out.
(Toilet flushes)
Or maybe not.
(Ralph whistling)
John. John!
(Continues whistling)
Morning, Ralph. What's the time?
Just gone 11. I've been up for hours.
I've been down the shops.
Good.
You seem a lot happier than last night.
Oh, I am. A hundred per cent happier.
All that nonsense about a curse.
I can't believe it was me saying it.
What's brought about this sudden change?
Well, I lay in bed last night
thinking about all my problems.
And then suddenly it dawned on me.
I have something
that millions of people don't have.
What's that?
Friends.
- Oh!
— Would you like some Coco Pops?
— Thanks, Ralph.
— (Whistles)
— (Doorbell)
— Will you answer that for me, John?
(Doorbell continues to ring)
Oh, you look like a heap of garbage, guy.
Don't even breathe in my direction.
Morning, Kirk.
— So, how's our main man this morning?
— He's a totally different person.
I mean, you'll still recognise him,
but he's — what's the word? — happy.
Yeah?
He'll be even happier when he sees
what good old Kirk's done for him.
What have you done for him, Kirk?
It's a surprise.
Kirk, please tell me, what have you done?
You haven't had that terrapin
mounted on a medallion, have you?
Oh, hello, Kirk!
— Would you like some Coco Pops?
— All in the fullness of time, my man.
Now, close your eyes and hold out your hands.
I won't, if you don't mind, Kirk.
Last time I did that someone stole my watch.
Oi, oi, oi, oi! This is your friend here.
Kirk, what is it?
Kirk?
— OK, Ralphie, you can look.
— Dear God.
(Gasps) It's brand—new.
Do you think I'm the sort of guy
who'd buy second—hand rubbish?
Looks very expensive, Kirk.
Please, let's not sour the moment
by talking about money.
I mean, what's £34.75?
It's only the best for my friends.
It's wonderful.
Oh, thank you, Kirk. No—one's ever...
(Tearfully) I just don't know what to say...
You're emotional, Ralph. That's understandable.
Go in the kitchen and do me something to eat.
— (Sniffs)
— Yeah.
And, oi!
I don't want your tears falling in my Coco Pops.
(Door slams)
You're full of surprises, aren't you?
That's what makes me so fascinating.
I tell you what I'm gonna do for you two cats.
To follow our cereal I am gonna cook
the world—famous Omelette a la St Moritz.
It's a little recipe I gave to Bob Carrier.
Bloody hell, Ralphie, what a dreadful kitchen.
Oh...
(Plug in)
(Whirring)
Oh, dear. Oh, God.
Oh, no.
(Doorbell)
I'll get it!
— Hi, John. How's everything?
— What do you mean?
Well...how's everything?
Everything's fine. Why shouldn't it be?
Is Ralph OK?
Yes. Ralph's fine. Everything's fine.
This condition of Ralph's —
it isn't contagious, is it?
Hm...interesting. I suppose.
Hey!
The Omelette St Moritz is off, guy.
Ralph's cooker's on the blink.
And my electric kettle. Oh. Hello, Louise. Kate.
— And how are you today, Ralph?
— A lot better, thank you, Louise.
Look what Kirk bought me.
— That was nice of him, wasn't it, Kate?
— Hmm.
— I've got another surprise for you, Ralph.
— We've got another surprise for him.
Yes, it's from the two of us, dear.
We're going to drive you down to the pet shop
and buy you some more terrapins.
There you go. You can have
some more of them waterproof tortoises.
That is very, very nice of you, both of you,
but there's no need.
I went down to the pet shop this morning
and got myself some more.
Really?
— Where are the little rascals?
— In the aquarium.
I didn't know terrapins floated
on the top of the water.
I'm not an expert on terrapins,
but these look somewhat...dead.
Don't be silly. He only bought them this morning.
Ladies and gentlemen, by way of celebration,
and to say thank you to each of you,
for all that you've done for me,
I have bought a bottle of champagne.
Well, it's sparkling wine, actually,
but it doesn't matter, does it?
You've got such style, Ralphie.
Now... Oh, thanks, Kate.
By the way, my fridge isn't working either.
I'm no expert, Ralphie, but I'd say
there's something wrong with your electric.
Does that mean
he won't be able to use his new razor?
No, not if his fuse has blown.
Oh, well, that's the way it goes.
A toast. To...friends.
Friends.
Friends.
I've got another bottle in the kitchen.
He's right, you know.
When you look back at all the good times
in your life, all the crazy wild moments,
who did you enjoy them with?
Relatives, colleagues from work?
Nah, nah, nah.
It was with friends.
I bet you've been a wildcat, eh, Louise?
Well, I...I suppose I may have thrown caution
to the winds once or twice.
Yes!
I bet.
— How about you, Tiger? Done any wild things?
— Not really.
No, of course. I forgot, you're frigid, aren't you?
Yes, I've had a lot of fun with friends.
Holidays, things like that.
Holidays, now you're talking.
I remember once, years ago,
me and about four mates
fell out of this little seafront pub.
And we were bombed, man. Atomic, right?
We were walking along the road and we came
across this tiny little red and white caravan
on top of this embankment, right?
So I said to Nigel, “We'll get hold of this and..."
♫ People change
♫ Can't explain
♫ Like the weather
♫ One day sun, next day rain
♫ Whatever happened to the plans we made?
♫ Seems that they ended with the masquerade
♫ Life goes on
♫ Right or wrong
♫ Now it's all been said and done
♫ Dear John
♫ Dear John
♫ Dear John
♫ By the time you read these lines, I'll be gone
♫ Life goes on
♫ Right or wrong
♫ Now it's all been said and done
♫ Dear John
♫ So long
♫ Seems we've sung love's last song
♫ Dear John
♫ Seems we've sung love's last song
♫ Dear John
♬ CULTURE CLUB: The War Song ♬
Here we go, then.
♪ What's mine's my own, I won't give it to you
♪ No matter what you say
no matter what you do
♪ Now we 're fighting in our hearts
♪ Fighting in the streets
♪ Won't somebody help me?
♪ War war is stupid and people are stupid...
Excuse me?
— I wonder if you could help me.
— All the information's on the desk, guv'nor.
Rates rebates, free bus passes, nuclear news —
it's all there.
No, I've been invited to a...
discotheque.
Have you?
(Sighs)
A man of his age!
Yeah, we've got three on tonight.
There's a gay gala in the Oscar Wilde Suite.
It's Grab—a—Granny Night in the main hall.
And the divorced and desperate mob
have got the green room.
— That's me.
— Over there, on the left.
Thanks for your help.
Oi, mate?
You ain't gay or disabled, are you?
— No, I'm just a bit nervous.
— Oh, pity.
If you was,
the Council would give you a free lift home.
Thanks.
♬ FREEEZ: I.O.U. ♬
LOUISE: Were there any sexual problems?
The Grab—a—Granny Night is erm...
In the main hall.
Thanks. You never know.
♪ I need your touch
♪ And I owe you so much
♪ A-E, A-E-I-O-U-U...
..I feel that one must never forget
the precise spatial viability concept.
Or the principle of expressive awareness
as it's more commonly known
as outlined, of course, in Gestalt psychology.
Oh, yes. I forgot about that.
So many people do. More's the pity.
— Louise?
— Oh, hello, dear.
— Er...Sylvia, this is erm...
— John.
Oh, yes. John — Sylvia.
— Nice to meet you, Sylvia.
— Hello.
(Giggles)
Yes...
— I'm sorry, I've interrupted you.
— That's all right.
We were just discussing
Sylvia's sexual problems.
She has a hang—up about whether or not
to fondle on the first date.
— What do you think?
— Me?
Well, I don't really know.
I suppose I'm old—fashioned, but...
I always think the man
should make the first move.
I meant that.
Oh, I see. I'm sorry.
I see this as an inter—relative human situation,
with no rationale by which to judge individual
subjectivity, personal behaviour patterns,
gender complexities,
perceptive values at any given time, yah?
Yah.
On the other hand,
a bit of what you fancy does you good.
Yes, well, I'll see you later.
— (Giggles)
— Bye.
Nice girl. Despite everything.
I'm sorry I'm late. That man out there
sent me straight to the main hall.
Don't worry, Mrs Arnott. It's just as well
you didn't show up any sooner.
It's only just got going.
— Can I get you a drink?
— That's very kind of you, dear.
A dry cider, please.
Oh, a Campari and soda, please.
Fine. Won't be a moment.
God, it's turned up again.
Louise. If I beat some guys up here tonight,
I want you to know it's not my fault.
My responsibilities have been diminished.
— We believe you, dear.
— That guy out there is something else.
Oh, he sent me straight to the main hall.
Oh, yeah? You should have been in
the Oscar Wilde Suite with me. Wargh!
Just say you would.
Hi, name's Kirk. How would you like to be
on the floor with me?
He could be such a nice boy if he could
only learn to overcome his basic shyness.
♬ BILLY OCEAN: Loverboy ♬
— Hello.
— Kate.
— How long have you been here?
— Too long.
Will you look at that?
♪ With somebody else
♪ Gotta have your love, gotta have it all...
Good Lord.
It's more like a cattle market.
I feel as though I've been unloaded for auction.
— Not enjoying it, then?
— I hate it.
I've had one dance with Dirty Harry over there.
His hands were all over me.
Your imagination.
It was like dancing
with some sort of creeping disease.
— Maybe it was accidental.
— Accidental?
He did a smooch to Jumping Jack Flash.
Anyway, what did you mean
it was my imagination?
Nothing.
— You must have meant something.
— Well, I thought perhaps because of you being...
Because of your little, shall we say, problem?
You mean because I told you I was frigid?
No! Yes.
Why did I mention that? I should have known
I'd have it thrown straight back in my face.
Oh, don't be silly, Kate.
None of us would ever mention it.
You just did mention it.
Yes, but that was in a constructive way.
Constructive? You've just demolished me
and you call it constructive?
— Would you like a drink?
— No, thank you.
Kate, listen to me for a moment.
None of us in the group
will ever mention it again.
Do you know why?
One, we respect your honesty.
And two, we like you too much.
You're not just saying it?
No, it's the truth. Scout's honour.
— In that case I'll have a gin and tonic, please.
— Of course.
Erm...gin and tonic, please.
Hey, it's Frigid Brigid.
— Ice and lemon?
— Why don't you drop dead, cretin!
— Can't you take a joke?
— Can't you take an overdose?
Try and be nice to a chick
and this is what you get.
— I wonder what's happened to Ralph.
— I don't know and don't particularly care.
— I phoned him earlier. He said he's not coming.
— But why?
— He said he was looking forward to this evening.
- Oh, God!
Well, between the three of us,
I think Ralphie's upset about something.
— What makes you think that?
— Just little things I've picked up on.
He didn't wanna come out,
or borrow my Electric Blue video.
Then all of a sudden, bursts into tears,
said something about ending it all
and slammed down the phone.
And from this you deduced that he was upset.
Yeah, yeah. Gut feeling, intuition.
Call it what you like.
— Did you say anything to him?
— Yeah, I said,
"If you're gonna be a wimp all your life,
nobody will miss you."
I'll bring the car round to the front.
— Didn't you give him any words of comfort?
— They were words of comfort.
— Hey, there's nothing to worry about.
— Nothing to worry about?
Is it normal for a person to burst into tears,
threaten to take their own life
and slam the phone down?
Yeah. Every chick I've ever been out with
has done that.
Hey, let's boogie.
— (Knocking)
JOHN: Ralph. Open the door, Ralph.
— (Doorbell)
— Ralph, it's me, Kate.
Please open the door.
He's definitely in.
I can see his motorcycling gear.
— What are we gonna do?
— Bust the door down.
Let's hurry.
- (Thud)
— Let me try.
Oh! Hello, John, Kate.
— You all right?
— I'm fine, Ralph. How are you?
Oh, I'm all right, thank you. (Sobs)
Come on, there's no use trying to hide it from us.
Can we come in?
If you like.
(Ralph blows his nose)
Would you like a cup of tea or coffee?
— No, we want to know what's wrong with you.
— We'd like to help.
You can't help me, Kate. Neither of you can.
Well, we can't if you won't tell us.
Please, Ralph, what is it?
All right, then. I'll tell you.
It's the family curse.
Curse? Oh, come on, Ralph.
That's just superstitious nonsense.
You don't know the history behind it, John.
My grandfather was a member of the team
that discovered the Temple of Tutankhamen.
Inside the tomb
there was this curse written on the wall.
I mean, it wasn't written in English.
You know, "That's it. You're all cursed now."
Oh, no. It was in Egyptian hieroglyphics.
I don't have to tell you this, John.
You're a teacher,
you must know the legend better than me.
Well, actually, Ralph, I'm a language teacher.
Oh, you could most probably
have read the curse then.
Anyway, that night when they left the temple
my grandfather got cut off from the main party.
For five days he wandered through
that scorching desert without a drop of water.
It wasn't till the sixth day
that he finally found an oasis.
Well, OK, Ralph, that's an awful experience,
but it isn't a curse.
No? As he bent down to drink
he slipped in and drowned.
Well, that's bad luck. Just very bad luck.
It's been with my family ever since.
— My father had nothing but bad luck.
— Well, such as?
Well, he married my mother.
— And they had me.
— Now, Ralph, don't talk like that, please.
It's all right, Kate.
I know I was a great disappointment to him.
He told me once that when they discovered
my mother was pregnant,
she wished for a boy and he wished for a girl.
And when I was born they were both happy.
Perhaps he didn't mean it like that.
It's just your interpretation.
Well, interpret this for me.
On Monday I went into work
to be given a fortnight's notice.
In just over a week from now I'll be unemployed.
That's terrible, Ralph, but something will turn up.
Ralph, there are four million unemployed. They
don't blame it on the curse of Tutankhamen.
That's as maybe,
but I came home that evening to find that...
to find that...Terry had died.
Terry? Who's Terry, Ralph?
Not who is, who was. He's dead, remember.
Sorry.
He was my best friend.
We'd been together for years.
Did he live here with you?
Mm.
I phoned for help, but it was too late.
They said if they could have got here sooner,
they may have been able to save him.
— What did he die of?
— Red leg.
What?
Red leg!
— Red leg?
— Yeah.
Eurgh!
— Well, it's a terrapin.
— This is him?
Yes. Terry the terrapin.
This was his little home.
He'd been with me since I was a kid.
I used to breed them, you see.
Once I had about 20 of them,
but over the years they all went.
Except for Terry.
I thought about burying him out in the garden,
but I haven't been able to do it yet.
So, this week I have lost my job,
my best friend has died
and, oh, yes, my electric razor broke
so I can't even go out because I look so scruffy.
Oh!
Poor Ralph.
Couldn't you use an ordinary razor?
No, I've got this skin complaint.
It always happens when the family curse strikes.
Ralph, listen to me for one minute.
Three years ago
I had a happy and contented family life.
Well, I was happy.
One afternoon I came home to find a letter from
my wife informing me our marriage was finished
and she was leaving me for another man.
In the time it took for a judge to sign his name
on a piece of paper
I lost my wife, my child, my home
and almost my sanity.
But I don't think it was a curse. Do I?
No.
But it's always happening to me.
A few years ago I bought a little caravan
down by the coast.
It was only a tiny thing, but it had a cooker,
a sink and a little toilet.
I could be on my own there.
I planned to spend holidays
and weekends there. I painted it myself.
The bottom half was red, the top half white.
I was really proud of that little caravan.
And then one day a letter arrived at my house
reminding me that the insurance on the caravan
was due in 10 days' time.
What with one thing and another,
I forgot all about it.
The day after the insurance expired,
a gang of drunken louts shoved my caravan
down a steep embankment.
It finished up lying on its roof, a total write—off.
That's my luck.
That's just common vandalism.
Thousands of people have suffered like you.
The first car I ever had was an old Morris Minor.
Only cost me 50 pounds.
But I cleaned it religiously. Hand—painted it.
It became my little pride and joy.
Then one night some hooligans stole it.
The police found it two days later
smashed to pieces. It's the same thing.
No, it's different.
It isn't, Ralph. It's exactly the same.
No, it's not. Kate wasn't sitting in her Morris
Minor when those hooligans smashed it.
You...you were in your caravan?
Yes. It was awful.
It suddenly started shaking and rolling forward.
Then it went on its roof.
Everything was crashing around inside.
The whole of my life flashed before me.
Bloody depressing that was.
I was trapped upside down for two days.
I can never watch The Poseidon Adventure
without a chill running down my spine.
Couldn't you have climbed out of a window?
The toilet didn't have a window.
You were in the... Oh, God!
I lay there for 48 hours
with the blood rushing to my head,
tapping out an SOS in Morse code
on the toilet wall.
Finally, some caring looters heard my cries
for help and phoned the fire brigade.
Well, they could hardly cut me out for laughing.
All right, Ralph, so it was a bad experience.
A bad experience?
Have you ever been trapped for two days
upside down in a lavatory?
Not that I can recollect, no.
All I can say is I hope it never happens to you.
So do I, Ralph. But surely your luck
must have changed after that?
Oh, yes. It deteriorated.
A year after that
my parents threw me out of the house.
Six months later
my wife left me at our wedding reception.
And I've just had a week like this.
I'll be honest with the two of you.
I'm a bit fed up at the moment.
There is one small consolation in all this, Ralph.
Of course there is.
What?
Your luck can only get better.
I mean, how can it get any worse?
Hey, Ralphie!
How did you get in here?
The front door's wide open.
Why aren't you at the disco?
I was thrown out.
Some guy got really aggressive with me
because I happened to mention
his chick looked like a Smurf.
— How you feeling, buddy?
— Oh, not too bad, Kirk.
— Yeah? You look a mess.
— Ralph's had rather a bad week.
He's lost his job, his best friend's died
and his electric razor's broken.
Oh, jeez.
Makes you wonder if life's worth it, doesn't it?
I reckon you're cursed, Ralphie.
There is no such thing as a curse.
OK, guy, take it easy.
You ought to get out of here more often,
Ralphie.
This dump could make a Redcoat depressed.
You got anything to drink?
I think there's a can of lager in the kitchen.
— I'll get it.
- Eh!
Can't you keep that stupid mouth of yours
closed for 10 seconds?
What is it with you, Tiger?
I come round here to cheer up my buddy
and this is what I get.
Cheer him up? Thanks to you
he's almost on the verge of cutting his wrists.
(Gasps) He's in the kitchen. All those knives.
— We mustn't leave him out there alone.
— What happens when we leave here tonight?
I hadn't thought of that.
All right, well, I'll stay here the night with him.
I'll sleep on the settee.
We just mustn't leave him alone.
— I'll be in the kitchen if you need me.
— Check the cupboards for drugs.
Good idea. I could do with something.
What's all this about, then?
Woargh! What an ugly little thing.
And this is what Ralphie's
getting into bits about?
Yep.
Well, can't he set traps?
Put some poison down for 'em?
Poison? This is his friend that died.
That was his friend?
Oh, boy, has Ralphie got problems.
What is that thing, anyway?
It looks like a midget turtle.
It's a terrapin.
Ralph's had him since he was a child.
He kept it in that aquarium. And his death,
on top of everything else, has upset him.
So why's he keeping the body in the flat?
That's hardly likely to cheer him up.
He thought of getting rid of it,
burying it outside in the garden,
but he hasn't got round to it.
— We'll have to do it for him.
— It looks like it.
- I'll do it.
— You? No.
Thanks for the offer, Kirk, but I'll do it.
Oh, wait a minute.
— Tiger's looking after Ralphie in the kitchen.
— Hm.
You're gonna stay here all night,
keep an eye on him?
So let me do something for him.
— I'd like to think that I helped in some way.
— You?
I'm not an empty shell.
Inside here lives a person.
Oh, let me do something for him.
Please.
This is nice of you, Kirk.
That's the sort of guy I am.
I always thought it might be.
— Leave it, Ralph. I'll wipe it up in a minute.
— It's all right, Kate, I'll run a cloth over it.
He's spilt most of it.
His nerves are at breaking point.
— If he's no better I'll call a doctor in the morning.
— (Sighs) Where's Stupid gone?
He's in charge of the terrapin's burial ceremony.
You're letting Kirk dispose of the body?
No, it's OK. I know what you think of Kirk
and I don't blame you,
but I've got a feeling
that inside that flash, crass exterior
there's a really nice guy struggling to get out.
(Toilet flushes)
Or maybe not.
(Ralph whistling)
John. John!
(Continues whistling)
Morning, Ralph. What's the time?
Just gone 11. I've been up for hours.
I've been down the shops.
Good.
You seem a lot happier than last night.
Oh, I am. A hundred per cent happier.
All that nonsense about a curse.
I can't believe it was me saying it.
What's brought about this sudden change?
Well, I lay in bed last night
thinking about all my problems.
And then suddenly it dawned on me.
I have something
that millions of people don't have.
What's that?
Friends.
- Oh!
— Would you like some Coco Pops?
— Thanks, Ralph.
— (Whistles)
— (Doorbell)
— Will you answer that for me, John?
(Doorbell continues to ring)
Oh, you look like a heap of garbage, guy.
Don't even breathe in my direction.
Morning, Kirk.
— So, how's our main man this morning?
— He's a totally different person.
I mean, you'll still recognise him,
but he's — what's the word? — happy.
Yeah?
He'll be even happier when he sees
what good old Kirk's done for him.
What have you done for him, Kirk?
It's a surprise.
Kirk, please tell me, what have you done?
You haven't had that terrapin
mounted on a medallion, have you?
Oh, hello, Kirk!
— Would you like some Coco Pops?
— All in the fullness of time, my man.
Now, close your eyes and hold out your hands.
I won't, if you don't mind, Kirk.
Last time I did that someone stole my watch.
Oi, oi, oi, oi! This is your friend here.
Kirk, what is it?
Kirk?
— OK, Ralphie, you can look.
— Dear God.
(Gasps) It's brand—new.
Do you think I'm the sort of guy
who'd buy second—hand rubbish?
Looks very expensive, Kirk.
Please, let's not sour the moment
by talking about money.
I mean, what's £34.75?
It's only the best for my friends.
It's wonderful.
Oh, thank you, Kirk. No—one's ever...
(Tearfully) I just don't know what to say...
You're emotional, Ralph. That's understandable.
Go in the kitchen and do me something to eat.
— (Sniffs)
— Yeah.
And, oi!
I don't want your tears falling in my Coco Pops.
(Door slams)
You're full of surprises, aren't you?
That's what makes me so fascinating.
I tell you what I'm gonna do for you two cats.
To follow our cereal I am gonna cook
the world—famous Omelette a la St Moritz.
It's a little recipe I gave to Bob Carrier.
Bloody hell, Ralphie, what a dreadful kitchen.
Oh...
(Plug in)
(Whirring)
Oh, dear. Oh, God.
Oh, no.
(Doorbell)
I'll get it!
— Hi, John. How's everything?
— What do you mean?
Well...how's everything?
Everything's fine. Why shouldn't it be?
Is Ralph OK?
Yes. Ralph's fine. Everything's fine.
This condition of Ralph's —
it isn't contagious, is it?
Hm...interesting. I suppose.
Hey!
The Omelette St Moritz is off, guy.
Ralph's cooker's on the blink.
And my electric kettle. Oh. Hello, Louise. Kate.
— And how are you today, Ralph?
— A lot better, thank you, Louise.
Look what Kirk bought me.
— That was nice of him, wasn't it, Kate?
— Hmm.
— I've got another surprise for you, Ralph.
— We've got another surprise for him.
Yes, it's from the two of us, dear.
We're going to drive you down to the pet shop
and buy you some more terrapins.
There you go. You can have
some more of them waterproof tortoises.
That is very, very nice of you, both of you,
but there's no need.
I went down to the pet shop this morning
and got myself some more.
Really?
— Where are the little rascals?
— In the aquarium.
I didn't know terrapins floated
on the top of the water.
I'm not an expert on terrapins,
but these look somewhat...dead.
Don't be silly. He only bought them this morning.
Ladies and gentlemen, by way of celebration,
and to say thank you to each of you,
for all that you've done for me,
I have bought a bottle of champagne.
Well, it's sparkling wine, actually,
but it doesn't matter, does it?
You've got such style, Ralphie.
Now... Oh, thanks, Kate.
By the way, my fridge isn't working either.
I'm no expert, Ralphie, but I'd say
there's something wrong with your electric.
Does that mean
he won't be able to use his new razor?
No, not if his fuse has blown.
Oh, well, that's the way it goes.
A toast. To...friends.
Friends.
Friends.
I've got another bottle in the kitchen.
He's right, you know.
When you look back at all the good times
in your life, all the crazy wild moments,
who did you enjoy them with?
Relatives, colleagues from work?
Nah, nah, nah.
It was with friends.
I bet you've been a wildcat, eh, Louise?
Well, I...I suppose I may have thrown caution
to the winds once or twice.
Yes!
I bet.
— How about you, Tiger? Done any wild things?
— Not really.
No, of course. I forgot, you're frigid, aren't you?
Yes, I've had a lot of fun with friends.
Holidays, things like that.
Holidays, now you're talking.
I remember once, years ago,
me and about four mates
fell out of this little seafront pub.
And we were bombed, man. Atomic, right?
We were walking along the road and we came
across this tiny little red and white caravan
on top of this embankment, right?
So I said to Nigel, “We'll get hold of this and..."
♫ People change
♫ Can't explain
♫ Like the weather
♫ One day sun, next day rain
♫ Whatever happened to the plans we made?
♫ Seems that they ended with the masquerade
♫ Life goes on
♫ Right or wrong
♫ Now it's all been said and done
♫ Dear John