Dear John (1986–1987): Season 1, Episode 1 - A Singular Man - full transcript

(Door opens) Darling, I'm home!

♫ Dear John

♫ Dear John

♫ By the time you read these lines

♫ I'll be gone

♫ Life goes on

♫ Right or wrong

♫ Now it's all been said and done

♫ Dear John

♫ So long

♫ Seems we've sung love's last song



♫ Dear John

♫ Seems we've sung love's last song

♫ Dear John

Roger!

John! HeIIo.

How are you keeping?

Fine. Fine. You're looking...

..We||.

Yeah, feeling good.

What's this, then? Holiday?

I was owed a day's compulsory sick leave,
so I thought I'd try and make myself ill.

What are you doing nowadays?
Still trying to teach yobbos to speak foreign?

I'm still a language teacher.

I don't know why you bother.



Most of them are still struggling to speak
English, let alone German and French.

It's been a time, though, hasn't it?

I haven't seen you since...

Since you and Wendy got divorced.

Oh, yes, the divorce. I'd forgotten all about that.

I envy you.

You're a free agent again.

Look at you. Your own pad,
out on the town every night putting it about.

Well...

I bet you're out tonight at some club, aren't you?

Mm. Disco.

You dog, you.

Some of the chaps and me are going out
for a few beers, Chinky meal.

Terry says: Why don't I ring John?

I said, “You must be joking.“

He hasn't got room in his diary for
an instant coffee, let alone a Chinese meal.

I might be able to cram it in, Roge.

That's what I like about you —
never lost your sense of humour.

We were discussing you the other evening.

Brenda and I threw one of our dinner parties.

It was couples, you understand.

— I was out that night, anyway.
— Just what I thought.

Everyone remarked on how well
you took that divorce business.

It must have come as a shock to find
your best friend bedding your wife.

— I've had better starts to the week.
— It was amazing.

I wonder how you managed
to keep your hands off him.

The thought did go through my mind
but what good would it have done?

That's true.

He was a six foot two training instructor.
He'd have knocked seven bells out of you.

— That wasn't what stopped me.
— Of course not.

Somebody told me that during their entire affair,
you thought he was giving her driving lessons.

Well, he was...some of the time.

— She passed her test first go, didn't she?
— True. Very true.

I'm sorry. It is all in the past
and you've got to laugh, haven't you?

— I'll tell you something else that's funny.
— What's that?

He used to charge me for petrol.

No!

You kill me, John.

I've got to get going. I'll see you around.

Which Chinese restaurant are you all going to?

You are great. I can't wait to tell the others.

No, honestly, I don't fancy going to that disco.

Stop it, will you? (Laughs)

Just as well, real/y.

I didn't fancy a night out with all my old friends,
either.

I think I'll spend the evening in,

catch up on a few things.

I haven't cut my toenails since...

..since last night.

It's pathetic.

(Daytripper plays in background)

- Hi.
— Hi, there.

Sorry.

Excuse me.

Can I help you?

John Lacey. I phoned earlier.

Oh, I see. You're one of the new members.

I should have you on my list.

No. Sorry, forgot about you.

That's OK. I have that effect on people.

My name's Fay. I'm the organiser of the group.

Nice to meet you.

Why don't you come over
and meet another new member?

Clive, I'd like you to meet John.

Hi.

It's his first night as well,
so you're kindred spirits, as it were.

We'll get the meeting started in a moment.

I'll leave you two to have a chat.

She seems very nice.

Yes. Makes you feel very at ease.

I feel very at ease too.

What are the others like?

They seem like nice people.

They certainly look like nice people.

— I thought I'd be nervous.
- So did I.

I'm sorry for the delay
but we've got everything sorted out now.

Well, good evening once again
to our regular members,

and a specially warm welcome
to a couple of new friends.

We were supposed to have another five
new members joining us this evening.

They're probably still wandering around
that maze of corridors.

While we're waiting for them,
let's meet the two who did manage to get here.

If you'd like to introduce yourselves.

I've already spoken with Clive
so it's better if he goes first.

Fine.

Good evening.

My name's Clive and...

..I'm an alcoholic.

Congratulations, Clive.

Admitting the problem to yourself
is the biggest mountain you,

or indeed any of us here tonight, ever face.

You've just won half your battle.

And now, with courage and determination,

and the support of your friends,
you're almost home and dry.

No pun intended.

And now...

— Me?
— Please.

Good evening.

My name's John and I'm in the wrong room.

Come on, now, John.

We all know it's tough,
but if Clive can do it, so can you.

No, really, I'm in the wrong room.

John, I know you have a drink problem.
I can tell.

How can you tell? By my eyes?

No, your breath.

I popped into the local booz... pub at lunchtime.

We've all been in that pub, John.

Oh, really?

Where were you lot? In the saloon?

I'm sorry. That was uncalled for.

I came here to join something called
the 1—2—1 Club. It's for divorced people.

I looked through the window
and you looked like divorced people.

Most of us are divorced people.

Oh, yes, I see. It's the...

I'm sorry.

The 1—2—1 Club is in the room directly opposite.

Thank you. There are no signs, you see.

What do you suggest?
"Lonely and emotionally shattered this way“

“Lushes over there"?

I do take your point. I am sorry, everybody.

Good luck, Clive. Everyone.

Can I help you?

Er...no, I was just...browsing.

My word, look at the time.

Didn't you phone me this afternoon?

Me? No, I haven't phoned anyone for years.

It's John, isn't it?

— No.
— John!

— Your paper.
— Thanks, Clive.

— Yes, I'm John.
— Well, come in, then.

Don't be such a big baby.

We're not going to bite you...

yet.

Relax. We're all in the same boat
so join the crew, yah?

Yah. Yeah.

There's a chair, dear.

— Kirk.
— What?

The name's Kirk.

Oh, I'm John. Nice to meet you.

You stick with me, you'll be A—OK.

— Sorry?
— With the skirts.

- Skirts?
— Do you know where we are?

It's the community centre.

No, no, this is Frustration Boulevard.

Take a look around. What do you see?

Divorced, separated,
maybe even widowed chicks.

When they look around, what do they see?

They see you and me, my man.
Formidable, yeah?

- WeII...
— We can clean up at a place like this.

Take a look at the opposition.

See the cat with the out of order sign
in his eyes?

That's Ralph. I was talking to him earlier.

He has the sparkling, effervescent personality
of a swamp.

Check out the other faces. Spooky, yeah?

I've never seen so many living dead
since the final scene of Poltergeist.

You see the chick over there, that's Kate.

She's been giving me the sweet eyes
all evening.

On the other hand,
I think she might be the possessive type.

— Do you like Cambodian food?
— Love it.

I know a little place does
the finest Cambodian food in Ealing.

When we finish, we'll put a couple of skirts
in the back of the wheels,

then cruise down the miracle mile to Jo Fong's.

— Actually...
— It's cool. Got a car?

— No.
- Oh, heII!

Hi, name's Kirk.
Stick with me and you'll be A—OK.

You've met Staying Alive, then?

— Yeah, I've met him.
— He's something else.

He's been going round all the fellas
trying to find one with a car.

Said he pranged the Porsche last Monday.

This your first time?

— Yep.
— Same here.

I was in two minds about the whole thing.

It's not the kind of place you want to come to,
is it?

— It doesn't seem too bad.
— No.

Hi, everyone,
and welcome to our new members night..

I must say,
I'm very pleased to see so many of you.

Well, not pleased, because it means you've
all suffered tremendous personal trauma.

But then, it's always nice to see new faces,
isn't it?

Fine. My name is Louise Williams
and I organise our little get—togethers.

I've got a feeling we're all going to get on
just swell.

Right, well, let's get some introductions going,
shall we, yah?

Come along, now, who's going to be first?

Not you, dear.

Right. Come along, then, let's not be coy.

Here goes.

Good evening. My name's Brian.

Hi, Bri.

Hello. Yes. Um...

My name's Brian, and I'm an alcoholic.

Well...

Well, that's fine, Brian.

It's not fine, actually.

— There's been a mistake.
— And you are?

— I'm John.
— Hi, John.

Hello. You see, Brian...

Why don't you let Brian finish?
We'll hear from you later.

No, you don't understand.

The Alcoholics Anonymous meeting
is in the room opposite.

— You're kidding?
— I've just come from there.

We have been busy, haven't we?

I made the same mistake as Brian.

I'm frightfully sorry.

Don't you just love a good drunk?

- Kirk!
— You pig!

What have I said?

I'm sorry about all this. I looked through
the window and, well, you all looked like...

I'm sorry.

Bye, Bri.

Well, where were we?

Are you staying?

Yeah, you bet.

That seems to have depleted our numbers
somewhat.

Never mind, just a little hiccup.

The best thing I can do is pop out to my car
for some membership forms,

make sure everyone who is here
is supposed to be.

While I'm gone, why don't you all just...

..mingle?

My friend went into hospital on Thursday
to have an eye removed.

Is something wrong with his eye?

He's hardly had it done for cosmetic reasons.

I'm sorry. So I phrased the question badly.
There's no reason to attack me.

— I wasn't attacking you.
— I'll rephrase the question, shall I?

— There's no need.
— If you're going to be pedantic, I'll rephrase it.

Fine. Rephrase the question.

What was wrong with his eye?

He didn't say.

Have you ever had an operation, Kate?

Yes, Ralph, I had an operation once.

Oh, yeah?

— Where?
— St Thomas's.

How about you, John?

Me? When I was younger,
I had to have my wisdom teeth removed.

— You know what I did once?
— No, what did you do once, Kirk?

I once gave a girlfriend of mine a kidney.

Wouldn't she have preferred
a bunch of flowers?

Hey. The chick was sick so I gave her a kidney.

Was it one of your kidneys, Kirk?

You bet, my man.

The doctor said, “You are the bravest man
I've ever met, Mr St Moritz.“

St Moritz? Kirk St Moritz?

Oh, yeah.

I said, “Doc, save your breath. Get your sharpest
scalpel and cut that rascal out.“

— Did you have anaesthetic?
— Some.

Which kidney did you have removed, Kirk?

It was a long time ago, Ralphie.

Well, while we're all having our coffee,

I'd like to explain the purpose of the 1—2—1 Club.

The club was formed to offer the many divorced
and separated people a chance of company

and social outlet.

Over the next few weeks, we'll all be involved
in organising dinner parties,

barbecues, musical soirees.

You will enjoy it.

But we're also here to offer counselling

in the manner of an inter—supportive
exchange group.

A place where we can talk about our problems
and experiences

and discuss them in a frank and open manner.

All right, dear?

At first you may feel a little reticent or stupid
about discussing your private lives in public.

To show you how easy it is,
I'll set the ball rolling myself.

Hi.

— My name's Louise and I was...
— Hi, Louise.

My name's Louise and I'm 31 years old.

I was divorced two and a half years ago.

My husband developed rather strange
carnal desires

which involved wearing thigh—length leather
boots, a Polaroid camera and a bull whip.

And during the day, I'm a beauty consultant.

There you are, you see. Easy.

Now, then. Any questions?

Do you mind if! ask
what broke the marriage up?

I've just explained that.

Did I miss a chapter?

Louise's husband had these...odd desires.

I got all that but what broke the marriage up?

That was it. It was the...
and the... and the...

All right, let's hear from someone else.
How about you, John?

Me?

There isn't much to tell.

I was divorced six months ago.
We'd been married for ten years

and I've got a son who's eight.

That's about it really.

And has the break—up of the marriage
affected him?

I suppose it has.
He's become slightly... psychotic.

— Psychotic?
— Pulling the legs off spiders.

Lots of eight—year—old boys
pull the legs off spiders.

With their teeth?

— I'm sorry, Kate, you're eating.
— I'm not.

So, what made you leave her, guy?

I didn't. She left me.

She left for a man
I considered to be my best friend.

Why?

We used to go to rugby together,
have a few pints.

Oh, I see. I don't know why.

I used to teach at this school near Brentford.

Mike — Mike Richards, my friend,
was transferred there

and I took pity on him.

He was a stranger in the area,
a new guy in town.

— Johnny come lately.
- What?

Johnny come lately.

If you say so, Ralph.

I invited him back for dinner
and he started having an affair with my wife.

Where were you? Washing up?

Not the same night, Kirk,
over a period of time.

— And you didn't know anything about it?
— No, everyone else did.

The neighbours would whisper as I walked by.

Friends started sniggering
as I entered the room.

I spent half my life checking on my flies.

I wasn't aware that my marriage had problems.

I thought we were happy.

Anyway, a short while ago,
a kindly judge threw me out of my house

and Mike and my wife moved in
and they're living there now.

Any sexual problems?

Do you know, Louise, I haven't asked them.

You mean between me and my wife?

No, no.

No.

Anyway, I'm over it all now.

It's just an area of my past, it's history.

Good. That's what I like to hear.
Anyone else?

How could anyone be so callous and deceitful?

Here was a man who called himself my friend,
ate at my table, and then bedded my wife.

And he was Welsh.

What's that got to do with it?
My parents were Welsh.

I'm just putting you completely in the picture.

Certain tribes on the island of Sarawak

think it polite to allow their dinner guests
to sleep with their wives.

They must be bloody stupid, then.

Anyway, I lived in Isleworth, Ralph.

I'm just saying, that's all.

Are you still in touch with your wife?

Only by cheque.

Let's move along.

Kate, would you like to tell us your story?

No, I don't want to talk about it.

Were there any sexual problems?

I don't want to talk about it.

Come on, Katie, I could do with a good laugh.

Why don't you drop dead?

Why is this chick so anti—me?

If you call me a chick once more,

I'll knee you in the groin so hard
you'll have three Adam's apples.

Whoa, tiger.

Come on, don't let him get to you.

Sorry.

All right, let's cool it.

Ralph, you're divorced, aren't you?

Separated.

And when do you expect to be divorced?

As soon as we can trace her whereabouts.

And how long were you together
before the break—up?

Let me see, four...

No, no, more like five hours.

Five hours?

She left me during the wedding reception.

Something you said, was it?

I doubt it. She couldn't understand
a word of English.

She was Polish, you see.

Well, maybe she's gone back to Poland.

I shouldn't think so, Kate.

It took her brother, who was in the Polish Army,
two years to get her out.

Even then she only managed to escape
after a 36—hour journey in the false bottom

of a mobile field kitchen.

— No chance of her getting homesick.
— Oh, no. She could have gone home for free.

— Were you going to pay for it?
— Oh, no. The Home Office were.

They were about to deport her, but in the
meantime she fell in love and married me.

It was kismet, I suppose.

You know what I think, Ralphie?

Well, I think she only married you
so she could stay in the country.

That's a rotten thing to say, Kirk.

That's the sort of guy I am.

Why get in the pits
over some ugly commie chick?

I don't believe him.
Who said she was ugly?

Ralph did in the cafeteria.

— I said she was plain.
— Yeah, plain ugly.

But I loved her.
We could have been happy.

Were there any sexual problems?

Well, Louise,

there wasn't time to find out.

You mean the marriage
was never consummated?

How could it be? We were at
a wedding reception in a hall above the Co—op.

Ralphie, Ralphie.

Couldn't you have found somewhere private?

Like a cupboard.

A cupboard?

Chances are all his wife wanted
was a good man.

— She had a good man.
- Who?

You!

Oh.

A good man would have found a cupboard.

What is this thing he's got about cupboards?

All right, Mr Machismo,

if you're such a good man,
why did your wife leave you?

Maybe she got claustrophobic.

OK, I'll tell you.

It was because of insane jealousy.

What were you jealous about?

Put a zip on it, Ralph.

Kirk, were there any sex...

OK, people, you really want to know
what ruined my marriage?

No. Ralph, before the wedding, did you and...

Blomleke.

Blomleke, that's nice.

Did you and Blomleke never make love?

— Do you mind us talking like this?
— Oh, why, of course not.

Hey, my man.

This chick's known more dirt
than Linda Lovelace.

(Cracks whip) Mule train.

That's about all we've got time for this evening.

— We've only just started talking.
— We never go on past 9:30.

Five minutes, to resolve this with Ralph.

We'll pick it up next week.
Do you feel better for having talked about it?

— No.
— Good.

Let's all get our things together, shall we?

My husband...

..used to dress up as a gladiator

and make me play hoopla with ring doughnuts.

OK.

Just another five minutes.

I People change

I Can't explain

I Like the weather

I One day sun, next day rain

I Whatever happened to the plans we made?

I Seems that they ended with the masquerade

I Life goes on

I Right or wrong

I Now it's all been said and done

I Dear John