Deadtime Stories (2012–2014): Season 1, Episode 3 - Along Came a Spider - full transcript

Both:
16, 17, 18, 19, 20!

Ready or not.

Here we come.

Where is she?

Boo! [ laughs ]
[ both scream ]

what, did you guys think
I disappeared or something?
Boy: uh-huh.

All right, are you ready
for a Deadtime Story?

Yeah, what do you have
for us this time?

This one is called "The Little
Magic Shop of Horrors."

Does it have magic?
Yep.

What kind of magic?
Terrifying magic.



The kind that Peter
and his best friend, bo,

couldn't figure out
how to undo.

Well, not without
losing their heads, anyway.

[ gasps ]

are you guys
ready to be scared?
Uh-huh.

Okay.

Chapter one.

"Peter Newman twisted
in his seat,

"squirming
in unbearable pain.

"he had his hands
held tightly over his ears.

Still, he couldn't escape
the blood-curdling sound."

[ bagpipe music playing ]
this is music?

It sounds like
cats being slaughtered.

What kind of dweeb
plays the bagpipes?



[ music continues ]

Gerald Mcdougal
and his mcbagpipes

are the worst act yet.

Hey, the kid got guts.
Aah.

No talent,
but a whole lot of guts.

Thanks, man.

Don't throw the garbage
on the floor.

We're gonna
get in trouble.

We're not even supposed to be
eating here, anyway.

Don't worry about it.
Nobody's even watching us.

Bob: don't bank on it.

No eating
in the auditorium.

That's strike two.

[ gasps ]
strike two?
How could it be strike two?

We don't even have
strike one yet.

Then why don't you tell me

who drew the picture of
Mrs. Dingleman with a mustache

in the boys' room
last week?

One more strike...
And you're out.

No way Janitor Bob knew
we drew that picture.

Man, what do you suppose happens
when you get three strikes?

Nobody's ever gotten
three strikes before.

At least, nobody who lived
to tell about it.

I guess he just drags you down
to his basement office

and buries you.

Don't drop
any more wrappers.

Woman:
number 12, Mary-Margaret.

Oh, puke. it's
Mary-Margaret Mahoney.

I hate that girl.

She's always
trying to get me in trouble.

And she thinks she's such
hot stuff ever since she won

that stupid beauty pageant
with that stupid baton.

She didn't win it with her face,
that's for sure.

[ both laugh ]

you know,
there's no point

in anyone else even trying out
for this competition.

All the teachers are gonna
vote for Mary-Margaret,

just like they always do.

Not if
we do something about it.

What are you gonna do?

Watch.

Mary-Margaret: ow!
Nice shot.

[ screaming ]
ohh!

Oh, my heavens.

How the heck
did he get there so fast?

He just went out
the back door.
Maybe he teleported.

How in the world
did you even get here so fast?

You're amazing.

Nice of you to say so.

Ow, ow! Mommy.
Oh!

Ohh. okay.

Let's get out of here
before psycho Bob catches us.

[ eerie music plays ]

♪ When you hear the scream ♪

Aah!

♪ Hide under the blanket ♪

♪ Don't come out ♪

♪ It's not a dream ♪

♪ Don't you sleep ♪

♪ This is your nightmare now ♪

[ school bell rings ]
come on, let's go!

Yeah.

I'm done playing games
with the two of you.

Let's have a chat
in my office.

Now, you two
carrot-shooting pranksters

put your butts in those chairs
and don't say a word.

Now, where is that thing?

[ both gasp ]

darn it.

Don't even think about
moving from those chairs.
Mm-hmm. mm-hmm.

I don't want to end up
with an "x" through my face.

Let's go.
[ telephone ringing ]

maybe it's the police.
Oh.

Bob here.

I can certainly pick up the
mountain bikes for the winner

of the talent show from
the bike store in the morning.

I'd be happy to do it.

The winner of the talent show
gets mountain bikes?

You have a lovely evening,
too, dear.

Now, where were we?

[ gulps ]

hey, I don't want to
go to school Saturday

to be killed
by Janitor Bob.

I say
we just don't go.

Are you nuts?

If we don't go,
he'll come looking for us.

Maybe we should just
tell Mrs. Dingleman
what happened ourselves.

No way.

She'll call my parents,

and they'll kill me even worse
than Janitor Bob.

Your parents are away,

so if the school called
Grandma Grussler,

she wouldn't even
remember it.

Paulie,
is that you, dear?

No, gram,
it's me, Peter.

My uncle.
She's always calling me that.

Tiger.

Tiger, I've got
some yum-yums for you.

Tiger?
Why is she feeding the cat
doggie biscuits?

Hi, Grandma.
Oh.

Oh, sure, I remember.
You're sonny's little friend.

So, how was school
for my favorite grandson today?

Anything
exciting happen?

Nope.
Not really, Grandma.

Just that we almost killed
the vice principal.

What?
Who got killed?

No one, Grandma.
Bo's just messing around.

Oh.
Thank heaven for that.

I can't believe Mary-Margaret's
gonna win those mountain bikes.

It stinks, huh?
Yeah.

We should enter
that talent show.

And do what,
burp the alphabet?

[ sniffs ]
uh, Grandma?

I think
the oven's on fire!

What?!
Oh, I don't understand.

I followed every word
of those instructions.

Easy, my butt.

Oh, oh!
[ blows ]

you have to be a magician
to bake one of these things.
[ smoke alarm ringing ]

[ gasps ]
a magic act!

You and I are gonna win a couple
of mountain bikes, buddy.

Bo: how?

I'm telling you,
there's no magic shop here.

We've been up and down
this street a million times.

There's no such place
as 1334 3/4 nosuch place.

It's got to
be here somewhere.

Forget it. I quit.

I don't want a mountain bike
this bad.

Uh, bo?

No way that was here
10 minutes ago.

Who would put a store
back here?

Hello?

Is anybody here?

[ door slams ]

[ gasps ]

[ both chuckle nervously ]

you think
he's the owner?

[ laughs ]
check out his eyeballs.

Definitely cool.

Check it out!

This is one of those boxes
you can stick blades through

and chop people's heads off
and stuff.

And this one?
Probably
disappearing box.

Count to 20,
then open the door.

I'll be gone.

[ door creaks ]

12, 13 --

forget it.
It doesn't work.

[ both scream ]

[ both screaming ]

[ bell rings ]

[ screams ]
calm down, boys!

It's a trick!

I'm not
going to hurt you.

Crazy Merlin.

[ clears throat ] welcome to
my little magic shop of horrors.

How did you do that?

Ah, magic.

Oh, and I always
keep my eyes

on everything
that's going on in my store.

You see?

My eyes.

[ both gasp ]

that's what I call
an optical illusion.
[ both laugh ]

how did he do that?

Well, that's exactly what
Peter and bo wanted to know.

"'sorry, kids,'
Crazy Merlin answered.

I couldn't possibly..."

I can't show you
that trick.

No, you see,
only master magicians

can perform
the seeing-eyeball trick.

It takes years of practice.

But we don't got
years of practice.

We got three days to come up
with a magic act for school.

No problem. I have
exactly what you need.

[ gasps ]

where is he?
Where did he go?

Over here.

I had to step into my office
for a moment.

This guy's good.
[ chuckles ]

so here it is.

This is
a magician's starter kit.

First, we have
the magician's wand.

Now, it's the wand that
directs the magician's power.

Next, the magician's ring.

[ twinkle! ]

it's the ring that bestows
the power on whoever wears it.

[ twinkle! ]

[ chuckles ]
looks nice.

And last,
but by no means least,

a magician's amulet.

Now, it's the amulet
that protects the magician,

ensuring that all his commands
are followed exactly.

That's it? That's the magician's
starter kit?

We were kind of hoping
for some scary tricks.

Nah.
Scary tricks are no good.

Why not?

Oh, because...

Horrifying tricks
are so much better!

[ laughs evilly ]

Bo: I can't believe
Crazy Merlin gave us

all this stuff for $9.95.

That's probably
why they call him crazy.

All I know is that
this box of death

is gonna win us
those mountain bikes.

Too bad we're only gonna
get to ride 'em for a day.

Bo: Janitor Bob is gonna kill us
on saturday, remember?

Stop worrying
about Janitor Bob.

I just want to see
Mary-Margaret's face

when she watches us win.

Tiger? Tiger, where are you,
you little mouse mangler?

And what in the world
do you have here, a coffin?

No, Grandma, it's a box of death
for our magic act.

Magic act? I used to be
a magician's assistant.

Great.
Great.

I'm telling you boys,

I used to work
with Harry Houdini.

Was that before or after
you flew fighter jets, Grandma?

Now lock me up
and slice me with those blades.

I think we ought to
practice first, Grandma.

The blades collapse, sonny.
There's nothing to worry about.

oh, the box of death
is gonna have to wait.

"Global Gladiators"
is about to start,

and this giant woman
from omaha

is wrestling this pip-squeak
from poughkeepsie.

I've waited all afternoon
to see her get creamed.

I can't believe Grandma Grussler
watches "Global Gladiators."

My Grandma
watches soap operas.

She is nowhere near
as cool as Grandma Grussler.

Or as nuts.
True.

Why won't
these stupid blades collapse?

I don't know,
but good thing we didn't

start slicing
Grandma Grussler with them.

I know.
What?

We can practice
on blow-up man.

Don't worry, blow-up man.
It's magic.

Ready?

[ air hissing ]

forget it! I quit!

You can't quit.
need an assistant.

[ tiger meowing ]

there.
There's your assistant.

Okay.

Wait a minute.
Are we sure about this?

Oh, gosh,
where the heck is tiger?

Maybe it's
a disappearing box, too.

[ sighs ]

what are you doing?

I'm gonna try
the magic wand.

Seriously?
It can't hurt.

Abracadabra,
make tiger appear!

[ electricity crackles ]

[ box opens ]

tiger?

[ gasps ]
oh, my gosh!

Tiger?

[ tiger meows ]

no way.
Uh-huh.

"the tiger
jumped out of the box...
[ gasps ]

"...and landed nose-to-nose
with Peter.

"Peter was sure
he was about to be eaten,

"but instead of sinking
his enormous fangs into Peter,

"the tiger
licked Peter's face

with his huge
sandpaper tongue, instead."

It's tiger the tiger,
isn't it?

"Peter and Bo spent the next few
hours waving the wand at tiger,

"but he didn't
shrink an inch,

"so they decided to keep him
hidden in the garage

"till they could figure out
how to fix him.

The next morning..."

What are you doing
with a magic wand?

Practicing. Bo and I are
entering the talent competition.

[ laughing ] you and bo
don't have any talent.

And that little stick
isn't gonna help you.

[ giggles ]
shut it, Mary-Margaret!

[ twinkle! ]

[ no audio ]

you're okay, Mary-Margaret,
come with me.

I know just what to do.

Hmm.

Hey, looks like the magic wand
is working again.

Maybe you should have
waved it at Janitor Bob

to make him disappear.
For real.

I just hope he doesn't know
it's our fault

that Mary-Margaret
lost her voice.

Did Grandma Grussler
ask about tiger?

No, she still thinks
he's out mousing.

Did you feed him?

Unh-unh.
Are you kidding me?

That cat's got to be
starving to death.

And if he
gets out of the garage,

he's gonna be hunting
for something bigger than mice.
[ gasps ]

tigers eat zebras,
you know.

Uh-oh.
Uh-oh.

Boxer!

Have either of you boys
seen boxer?

I left him in the backyard,
but he must have gotten out.

Boxer's your great dane,
right?

Yeah, yeah.

And isn't he
about the size of a zebra?

Well, not quite,
but he is pretty big.

Let me know if you see him,
okay?

Sure thing,
Mrs. Foxworthy.

I'm telling you,
we got to call animal control.

When Tiger poops out that dog,
he's gonna be hungry again.

All right, already.

Uh-oh.

Something tells me that's
what's left of the great dane.

[ gasps ]

that means Tiger's in the house
with Grandma Grussler, come on!

Grandma, you're alive!

And kicking.
How you doing, guys?

And you got tiger, too.
Why wouldn't i?

Then get out of my way.
I'm watching "Global Gladiator."

Sure.
And I love this guy.

...the champion,
diego castellanas,
from havana, cuba.

But first,
this commercial break.

I can't believe
you talked me into this.

Even if I mess up,

it looks like the magic
doesn't last very long.

Besides, I figured out
how to work these things.

You see, it's easy.

All I got to do is
chop you up a couple times,

and we'll walk away
with those bikes tomorrow.

Just don't
wave that wand at me.

I promise, I won't.

[ bagpipes playing ]

[ applause ]

boo!

Next up is a last-minute act

that auditioned for the judges
this morning.

It's Peter the great and
his little magic act of horrors.

Yeah, Grandma Grussler thought
it up in the car this morning.

[ applause ]

let's hear it
for my assistant, Bo!

[ applause ]
hello!

Can I please have
a volunteer from the audience?

[ indistinct shouting ]

Dougie Dembrowski,
come on up.

[ applause ]

now, will you please
examine this blade.

Let the audience know
it's real.

Ow.

It's real, all right,
and sharp.

You can definitely
cut someone in half with this.

[ applause ]

thank you.
Oh, go on. thanks.

Thanks, Dougie.

Now get off the stage.
The volunteer part's over.

Whoa!

I will now plunge this blade
into my assistant.

Ohh!

[ all gasp ]

ow.

And this one, too.

Ohh!

[ screams ]

and now
for the grand finale,

I will take
my assistant's head off.

Wait, what?
We didn't practice this.

Don't worry about it.
It works the same way.

[ all gasp ]

[ twinkle! ]

[ all gasp ]

Bo?
Are you okay, Bo?

Say something to me,
buddy.

Tell me
I didn't kill you.

You didn't.

I was just milking it
for the crowd.

[ applause ]

I think we just won.

I love these bikes!
I told you we'd win.

Boy,
was Mary-Margaret mad.

I know.
Too bad she's talking again.

I guess the magic only works
24 hours.

Hey, watch this.

Let me try.

[ pop! ]
aah, aah! Stop!

No, stay calm. stay calm.
Over here, over here.

What's going on?

No, no, over here, stay --
over here, follow me.

Follow me.
You lost your head, see?

No. I'll explain.

What's going on?

You lost your head.

Or actually,
you lost your body.

He lost your head.

I told you
not to chop off my head!

I told you not to do
the stupid trick!

But you had to do it,
anyway, didn't you?!

I'm sorry, bo,
I really am.

Sorry? Really?!
Look at me!

Look, Bo,
you just said yourself,

the magic only lasts
for 24 hours,

so how bad can this be?

How's that feel,
less wobbly?

Mm-hmm.
Don't nod. don't nod.

Hey, I'm not going home
like this!

I'm like the headless horseman
without the horse!

It's the weekend.
You can spend the night.

We'll go to Crazy Merlin's
in the morning

and see
if he can fix this.

Maybe we're in
the wrong spot.

[ police radio chatter ]

there's an officer.

Excuse me, officer.

Can you tell me where
nosuch place is?

[ laughs ]
is this a joke, kid?
No, sir.

There used to be
a sign right here

and the little magic shop
of horrors was right back there.

Not in this town, and
certainly not on this street.

Sorry.

Now, why don't you boys
get on home now?

You're late!

And you better have
a darn good excuse.

Take your head off.

Seriously?
Yeah, do it.

I think that's
a darn good excuse.

Don't even tell me
you lost your head.

I don't want to hear it!

Give me the ring.

[ grunts ]
I can't get it off.

I can.

[ twinkle! ]

give me your finger.

I'm gonna twist this thing
right off.

You won't feel a thing.

Ow.

[ pop! ]

[ gasps ]
hey!

You took
my whole finger off!

And I'm gonna keep it, too,
until you bring me the amulet

Crazy Merlin gave you two clowns
in your starter kit.

How do you know about
the starter kit?

Because
I have one of my own.

And I have your wand, too.

You left it in the box of death
up in the auditorium.

Didn't Crazy Merlin
tell you two

to be more careful
with this stuff?

You never, ever
mess around with magic

And you can't have total control
unless you're wearing this.

Seriously? All I had to do
was wear that goofy necklace?

It would have helped.

I can't believe
you're a magician.
Yep.

Got my starter kit

from Crazy Merlin
when I was just a kid.

I turned my cat, Peanut,
into a tiger.

She ended up hunting zebras
at the zoo.

I told you!

Sit still and be quiet.

[ buzzing ]

now, lean forward.

Well, now that
you've got your head back,

all you need is a brain.

Hey,
what about my finger?

You get that back
when I get the amulet.

And I want it back here
within the hour.

Out!

Grandma,
are you here?

"Global Gladiators."

Grandma Grussler,

can you tell us
how you came to be on our show?

Huh?

Well, I --
I'm not exactly sure

how I got here.

I was sitting on my couch,

and I was watching the show
with my little tiger, and --

and then I said,

"boy, it sure would be fun
to be on 'Global Gladiators.'"

and here I am!

[ both screaming ]

[ all screaming ]