Dead Set (2008): Season 1, Episode 2 - Episode #1.2 - full transcript

Big Brother house, this is Davina.

You are live on Channel 4.
Please do not swear.

Mark that for the best bits.

- Patrick.
- Thanks, er... What's it?.

- Kelly.
- That's the one.

You got pissed,
put your hand in the cookie jar.

You make it sound so innocent.

Riq, it's eviction night.
It's not really a good time.

- Guess who's been mugged.
- Fuck. Are you all right?.

They might bump tonight's show.

Because of this shit.



(Davina) The next person
to be evicted

from the Big Brother house is...

How'd this happen, Kel?.

WET CRUNCHlNG

(Davina) Pippa!

TYRES SCREECH

(Chloe) What's your
boyfriend's name again?.

Your real one, that is.

GROWLlNG AND SCREAM lNG

What's going on up...?.

SCREAM lNG

GROWLlNG

CRUNCHlNG

GROWLlNG AND SCREAMlNG



Danny.

(Kelly) Something's happening.
Some sort of outbreak.

People get this thing
and...they change.

They want to kill you and...

GROWLlNG

SCREAMlNG

Big Brother ain't watching us.

PANTlNG

- No, go the other way.
- Patrick!

Go the other way.

SCREAMlNG

SLURPlNG AND CRUNCHlNG

GRUNTlNG

SCREAMlNG

- Is that Davina?.
- Sort of.

CHEERlNG

- There's one in there.
- One what?.

GRUNTlNG AND SCREAMlNG

In the head!

You've gotta get them in the head.

Fucking hell.

STATlC CRACKLlNG

Hello?.

VOMlTlNG

Ha, no, this isn't happening.

No, this is not happening.

And if it is happening,
then it's not happening to me.

Because that's it, OK?.

Is this the way out?.

- No, don't. No, no.
- No, no. Hey, you, whoever you are!

All right, I don't care if that
is part of the programme or not,

I am not staying here!

Listen! Listen to me. Calm down.

We're staying here.

Really.

There's got to be
somewhere we can go.

Trust me. Outside, it's a bad idea.

How bad?.

GROWLlNG

GRUNTlNG

GROWLlNG

Who are they?.

WET CRUNCHlNG

Her name was Claire.

And they're dead.

Yeah.

GROWLlNG

It's got to be some
terrorist bollocks.

They've released some loony gas.

Loony gas?.

You got a better explanation?.

The government or army must have
tested something they shouldn't.

What?. Like GM food or something?.

Maybe.

Or wi-fi.

God knows what that
does to your molecules.

Does this mean
we're not on telly anymore?.

Oh, what?.

Hello?.

GROWLlNG

THUMPlNG

THUMPlNG

That's not your bag!

You shouldn't do that!

Stop bleating.

Fucking hell.

How do you turn this thing on?.

Fucking robot's bollock.

There's no signal.

Let me see.

- There's no signal.
- Give it to me.

- Why?.
- Because I'm asking, you foetus.

Oh, my God. You're so rude!

SlGHlNG

I think we should stay here
until the police come.

Yeah?. Why don't you start compiling
a book of your fucking theories?.

GRUNTlNG

GROWLlNG

GRUNTlNG

GROWLlNG

DOORBELL RlNGlNG

Fuck off! Fuck off!

GROWLlNG

Go on, stick around!

GROWLlNG

THUMPlNG

Oh, fucking hell.

Oh, Jesus.

The hummus ones are off.

GROWLlNG

Shut up!

Shut it!

GROWLlNG

What the...?. Fuck!

I'm not... I'm normal!

I'm normal!

I'm normal! I'm a normal person!

I'm a...

I-I'm standing up. I'm standing up.
I'm a normalite.

- Are you the police?.
- Open the door.

DOOR OPENlNG

DOORBELL RlNGlNG

Ah, that's disgusting.

- Are you alone in there?.
- Huh?.

- Anyone else in there?.
- No, no, no, no.

Get some fucking supplies.

- What?.
- Get some fucking supplies!

- What?. Like water and...?.
- Now!

PANTlNG

OK.

Ow!

You're gonna be OK.

(Kelly) Before the news went off,
it said to barricade your doors.

I don't know how long this will last.

Give us a fag.

Short supply.

You've got 60
stashed under your bed.

Yeah, well, I was saving them
for a special occasion.

Merry fucking Christmas.

Where'd you get the gun from?.

- eBay.
- Really?.

SCOFFlNG

- Well, where did you drive from?.
- Clapham.

- I live in Stockwell.
- Not now, you don't.

Is this happening in London and all?.

- Do you want to get out and walk?.
- No.

Well, then, be useful.

- I don't know where we're going.
- The coast.

Which coast?.

Whichever's nearest!

But I don't know where we are now.

RUMBLlNG

Shh!

Oh.

Fuck!

ENGlNE STALLlNG

Fuck!

Well, open the fucking...the...

Open the boot thing,
fucking bonnet thing.

Come on, hurry up.

DOOR CLOSlNG

- Lift the bonnet.
- Pop it.

Left my tools in the van...

There's hair and skin and shit

in your car.

It's not my car.

I hit one of those things.

Can you fix it?.

I'm just trying to work out what's
wrong with it first, all right?.

That knocking noise could be...

.. it could be water
in the distributor.

Are you sure that was
one of those things?.

No.

Are you fixing that?.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm on it.
Just, um...

HlSSlNG

GROWLlNG

SlGHlNG

CANS RATTLlNG

I wish you'd stop huffing.
You'll use up all the air!

It's not a submarine, you specimen.

- Do you know how air works?.
- Well, you've just wasted more air!

Do you even understand
what is going on here?.

Or is the whole world just colours

and shapes and the occasional
noise in your head?.

THUMPlNG
Oh, stay out of it.

GROWLlNG

BURPlNG

BURPlNG

GENTLE MUSlC

- It's getting dark.
- I know.

So hurry up.

You know, this whole
relentless criticism thing of yours

is really fucking sexy.

How am I gonna do this?.
GROWLlNG

That will attract more of them
so get a move on!

MOANlNG

PANTlNG

- What's happening?.
- She's going into shock.

- She got bitten, not shot.
- Get back. You've done enough.

- Hold her down.
- What?.

FRENZlED TALKlNG
Hold her down!

But she's one of us!
She's one of us!

OK. OK.

Should we, um, you know,
take her outside?.

What?. With those things
out there?. Fuck off.

- We can't do that.
- She's dangerous!

She's OK while she's still alive.

We need to move her
into the greenhouse.

We're not moving her. She's in shock!

If she dies, she becomes
one of them things in here.

Outside, she's trapped.

We're not fucking moving her.

She's right. We've got to move her.

- Fuck off.
- (Kelly) Come on.

Come on!

Shit! Fuck!

Look, if you can't fix it...

You know what?.

I'm just trying to get my head around
this whole end-of-the-world thing.

It's not my usual environment, so...

The sooner you come to terms with it,

the more chance you've got
of surviving.

(SCOFFlNG) I am surviving.

- And it's not easy!
- What have you done?.

You've done nothing.

I've had a van stolen,

I been chased by fuck knows,

I've hid in a garage
while I've been shot at.

At! Have you shot anyone?.

- Have you had to do that yet?.
- No.

Have you shot a friend?.
How about a best friend?.

Have you done that?. Have you?.

Have you pulled a trigger and seen
your best friend's head explode

and walked around in a dream

with her blood running down your face
and in your mouth

picking shards of skull
from your jumper like cat's teeth?.

Have you done that?.

- Have you?.
- No, I can't say I have.

No. Right, don't talk to me
about surviving until you have!

- I won't.
- Good.

- Oh, shit.
- Prick.

GROWLlNG

Whoa, hey, I can hear something.
DlSTANT GROWLlNG

SCREAM lNG AND GROWLlNG

- Oh, shit!
- Fuck!

GUN FlRlNG

Run!

Fuck!

GROWLlNG
Fucking hell! Oh, fuck!

Run for the house!

GROWLlNG

Hey! Alex!

Come on!

Fuck!

PANTlNG

Oh.

GRUNTlNG

That's for not fixing the car.

I think we should
check out the house.

How many bullets have you got left?.

One.

CLATTERlNG

SMASHlNG

Right.

At least we know we're alone, then.

GROWLlNG

Ooh.

THUMPlNG

Oh, fuck, I need a slash.

- What?.
- I need a slash.

- Phew.
- But the toilet's out there.

Yeah, I know.

You're not going in here!

Just turn your back.

Why don't you hold it in?.

I've been holding it in.

Just turn away!

Oh, my God! That's disgusting!

Oh!

Oh, my God! It stinks!

- Oh, shut up.
- Eugh!

Be careful as you put her down.

- Tie her up.
- Why?.

It's a precaution.
Just focus on her breathing.

Get your new girlfriend out of here.

Shut up.

Look, it's imperative that you
keep her alive. Do you understand?.

I'm a charge nurse.
You don't have to tell me.

Can you keep her alive?. Can you?.

Yeah, I can. But I need more than
this shitty first-aid kit!

I need haemostatic dressings,
epinephrine, morphine.

Basically, I need a pharmacy.
Can you get me that?.

It's my fault.

Angel, stay with me.

GASPlNG
Angel.

DOOR OPENlNG AND CLOSlNG

You know where we can get that
medical stuff from, don't you?.

- If you do, you need to let us know.
- Yeah.

If you can get us some of that
we might be able to do something.

All right, I do. I know! Bollocks!

Look, it's out there.

Supermarket out there with a chemist
with all sorts of prescription stuff.

- That's exactly what we need.
- That's pertect.

No, it's not pertect
cos it's out there.

How far is it?.

It's close.

I really wish I didn't know that.

MOANlNG

Through the gates.
It can't be more than a mile.

Used to get the producer's
nicotine gum from there.

The lightweight.

We can do that on foot.

It's too risky.

See that van?.

Yeah.

I've got the keys.

- Nice one.
- Mmm.

Don't get too excited.
That's part two of the plan.

What's part one?.

I don't know.

We need to get past these lot first.

- We'll just run for it.
- No, we won't.

Well, we might make it.

- We might think of something else.
- You'd better think of some...

What was the name of that show
with the sheepdogs?.

- What?. One Man And His Dog?.
- Yeah.

Yeah, that's the one.

I used to love that shit.

WHlSTLlNG

WHlSTLlNG

Come on!

Over here!

GROWLlNG
Yeah!

Does this house have a back door?.

GROWLlNG
Yeah. Come on.

RUNNlNG FEET

SHRlEKlNG

WET CRUNCHlNG

CLANGlNG

WHlSTLlNG AND CLANGlNG

WHlSTLlNG

CLANGlNG

- (Joplin) Here.
- (Veronica) Oi!

Come on over here, you wanker!

GROWLlNG
Come on, then!

Come on and get me,
you decomposing fucks!

All right! Come on, then!

Come on, then!

- If she dies before we're back...
- Don't say that.

If she dies...

.. be sure...

..through the brain.

You have to.

CLANGlNG

All set?.

ROARlNG

The gate! The gate!

CLANGlNG

ENGlNE STARTlNG

(Kelly) Marky!

Get in the van, Marky.
Get in the van!

- Go! Hurry! Get in it! Hurry!
- Shit! Shit! Go!

(Joplin) Go, go, go!

GROWLlNG
(Veronica) Get in the van, Marky!

Hurry up!

GRUNTlNG

CLANGlNG

Yes!