Dead Set (2008): Season 1, Episode 1 - Episode #1.1 - full transcript

(Narrator) 'Day 64.

'2.36pm.

'Space is in the Biodome.

'Marky and Veronica are by the pool.

'Joplin and Pippa are at the sofas.'

I mean, you know,
what is TV, anyway?.

It's just a big fat arrow
pointing away from the problem.

Especially shows like this.

It's like the lead in the water pipes
that sent the Romans mad.

Mmm.

I thought to myself,
"OK, I can ignore it,



"or I can engage with
and alter it from within."

You know, and if just one person

hears me and thinks, "Wow.

"l never saw it like that.
This guy's really opened my head,"

then I've justified doing it.

You know?.

Do toes have bones in them?.

'Grayson and Angel
are in the diary room.'

- (Big Brother) Hello, Grayson.
- Hi, Big Brother.

- Hello, Angel. How are you today?.
- All right.

I'm pissed off and I'm angry,

and we need your permission
to kill someone.

Who would you like to kill?.

- Who do you think?. Wonderbra.
- And her spastic henchman.



All right, so show me M and V looking
really pleased with themselves, OK?.

The chawier the better.

And lose "spastic", otherwise Ofcom
will be shitting blood for a week.

VlDEO REWlNDlNG

- Who do you think?. Wonderbra.
- And her henchman.

Good. >

(Grayson) And last night,
you could hear everything.

It sounded like someone
spanking a wet rat!

(Angel) And who needs to hear that?.

They even sound thick
when they grunt.

OK, so mark that for their best bits.

Patrick.

- Thanks... uh, what is it?.
- Kelly.

- That's the one.
- They only had blueberry muffins.

- Oi, oi, oi. Fat camp!
- Oh, that's lovely.

PHONE RlNGlNG
I need this in 20 minutes.

If you're gonna answer that,
make it quick. Chloe's looking for you.

- Yep, I'm on it.
- Quick!

- Shit. Shit.
- You ignoring that, are you?.

- It's Riq.
- Oh, asking where you were last night?.

- I told him.
- (You told him?)

- Well, texted him.
- Well, what did you say?.

I crashed at yours.

OK. Glossed over
a couple of details, then.

Yeah, me and Riq
have been together for ages.

It's not my usual style, you know?.

You got pissed,
you put your hand in the cookie jar.

You make it sound so innocent.
LAUGHlNG

Yeah, but was it?.

Here you are...

I will be back later
for the highlights, you jammy cow.

Hiya. That's your coffee.

- Heya.
- Hey.

Listen, what happened last night
was a mistake.

- Yeah, it was...
- We must be really stupid

cos we kept repeating
the same mistake till, what, half three?.

Yeah, thereabouts.

Yeah, cos I like to learn
from my mistakes

and I don't think
we fully went through

all the possible avenues for error, so...

Dick!

I'd like to go over it
with you later, see if we can...

CLEARlNG THROAT

Can you take Aisleyne
to the BBLB room?.

PHONE RlNGlNG

Um, that's Sophie's job.

Yeah, she's still doing
friends and family.

Fine.

When you're done with that, coffee,
camera run, they're gasping.

(Kelly) Sorry, it's been
a bit hectic here today.

There's champagne and stuff and tea
in the room. It's gonna be great.

Hey, Aisleyne.

- Hello.
- Everything all right, yeah?.

Looking after you OK?.

- (Aisleyne) Who was that?.
- (Kelly) Patrick, producer.

- Do you want me to fire you?.
- Shit!

Um, sorry, man.

Man?. Just do your job.

There's no-one even there.
Move the camera.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

ON TV:.. Volleys of gunfire. We hope
to join them again for an update...

(Newsreader) 'Authorities say they
cannot guarantee the safety... '

(Voicemail) Hi, this is Kelly.
Not here to take your call right now,

so if you leave me a message
I'll get back to you.

Bye!

'A cordon established
around the immediate area

'has been expanded twice
in the last hour.

'lt currently covers
much of the surrounding...'

What?.

'..a perimeter, preventing anyone
from entering or leaving the area.

'Eyewitnesses have fled the scene.'

TECHNO MUSlC

(Brian Belo) How you doin', fellas?.

Do you believe in reincarnation?.

Can't knock it, can you?.

I'll show you a good book
that I'm reading.

Doing up my button.
Thank you, sweetheart.

(Patrick) Get your fucking baps
out of that chair. Now!

37 minutes to go, minions.

Do you even know what a minion is?.

No?. Don't look offended, then.

Where's Sophie?.

Anybody know where Sophie is?. Hello?.

Excuse me. Come on.
Gormless! Where's Sophie?.

Uh, Sophie.
Uh, she's picking up Pippa's mum.

Oh, fucking hell! She should have
been here by 5.00. Get her for me.

- Sorry.
- What's the latest?.

Um, numbers are way down.
There are network issues or something.

- OK, so the headline is...?.
- Well, Grayson is safe.

Marky is the favourite for the chop,

but there's only a pixel
between him and Pippa.

Oh, God. Well, rather her than him.

Look at that.
Face like a Manchester morgue.

Wish they'd nominate you, sour flaps.

BLOWlNG RASPBERRY

LAUGHTER

Is that your eviction outfit?.

Oi, Barbra. I said,
is that your eviction outfit?.

My name is Grayson.

G-R-A-Y...

Y-M-C-A.

YELLlNG
Oooh, Claire. Voice of God.

This is Big Brother.

Could Grayson come to the diary room?.

- Ha!
- What?.!

- He started it!
- Oh, "he started it"!

Oh, you're such an idiot.

ALL ARGUlNG

- You wanna drown me?.
- You should come with subtitles.

LAUGHlNG

Fucking had it
with this northern twat.

CHUCKLlNG

Oh, God.
Talk about pleased with himself.

It's just post-shag euphoria.

You remember that.

- What are you for?.
- It's Sophie.

Tell me you are round the corner.

'Sorry, Patrick.'

All the main routes were chocker.

Col's trying to work
some back-road magic now.

You were supposed to be here...
fucking three hours ago.

- Yes.
- Stop saying yes.

'Right. Mm-hm. Yep.'

Now, you should have been here
three hours ago,

'in friends and family, in hospitality,'

with that fucking moaning
Scottish bird's mother.

'Fucking sick of this!'

Fucking get back here, pronto!

No.

Pick that up.

Your boss isn't upset, I hope.

It's eviction night,
so he's a bit stressed.

(Woman) It's a very stressful
line of work. I've often thought that.

What's that?.

SQUELCHlNG, MUNCHlNG

Right. Shit. Bye. Fuck.

(Fucking hell.)

- Claire.
- Yeah?.

They might bump tonight's show.

- Why?.
- Because of this shit.

One fucking estate on fire
in Newcastle

and a couple of policemen
killed in Liverpool.

Oh, Jesus.

Stockwell, Cardiff, Portsmouth,
all bollocksed.

If this gets much worse, we are
gonna be bumped for a news update.

(Claire) Brilliant.

(Patrick) Why do people riot,
anyway?. It's not the '80s.

You know, they've got distractions.
They should stay in, watch telly.

Just...that hat is so loud.

..What you on about?.

I'm just not feeling this no more.

Too many arguments.

No, what are you doing?.
Don't put that shit in there!

BOTH ARGUlNG

Have you seen the factories
where they make this stuff?.!

- No.
- Yeah, well, there's rats

they can't kill because of
all the preservatives in the steam.

(Pippa) You mean
there's rats in there?.!

My God! I've ruined the food!

Fucking Och Aye The Noo's off again.

Gollum set her off.

That's your eviction outfit?.

What?. Yeah. What - no good?.

Mark, you look like a div.

PHONE RlNGlNG

- Is that a phone?. It's a phone.
- Coo-ee, it's for you!

< We can hear ya!

- (Voicemail) This is Kelly...
- Find out who it is. Jesus Christ.

- (Veronica) Hello!
- (Marky) Hello. Hello, hello.

Hello!

They're not allowed
to do that, are they?.

I don't think so. Hello!

Hello!

DlSTORTED CARNlVAL MUSlC

He's fucking gold dust.

Two for the price of one!

He was in Big Brother with me.

- Hello.
- Bubble. We fell over a chair?.

I didn't know what your question was,
cos you kinda stuttered it. "Are you..."?.

He said to me, "Oh, how do you feel
about your country?"'

And I'm thinking, "I'm African."

My spirit was born in Africa
but my body was born in Zimbabwe.

PHONE RlNGlNG

- Hello?.
- Oh, finally.

Look, Riq, it's eviction night.
It's not really a good time.

- Guess who's been mugged.
- What?.

'Someone's took the van.'

Get this - a family
flags me down, right?.

A mum, dad, kid,

'by the side of the road, right?.

'There's no car but I figure
there's been an accident.

- 'The kid's bleeding, yeah?"
- Jesus.

The mum pulls a knife. The mum.

Fuck. Are you all right?.

'Yeah, well, I pretty much
nearly shat meself'

and I'm stuck somewhere
on fucking Arse-End-on-Tweed

trying to get a train home.

Well, I don't know what I can do.

Yeah, I know, I know.
I'm just venting, you know?. So...

I've been trying all day.

Yeah, I know.
It's just been a bit mad.

Right. So you gonna crash
at Claire's again tonight?.

I don't know.

- How'd this happen, Kel?.
- Look, can we talk later?.

So you joined your little media cult

and now you're getting rid
of your excess baggage.

Is that it, Kel?.

'ls that it, Kel?"

No, l...

I just...

PHONE BEEPlNG

Hello?.

Riq?.

Hello, hello, Queen D.

Oh, hey, Patrick.

Hey. How are you?.

Um, well, I'm a bit concerned, actually.

Really?. How so?.

Well, I heard that we might get
bumped for the news.

No! No, no, no, no, no!

Promise.

Yeah, well, not unless this really is
the end of the world, which...

Right.

OK, well, I'll keep
my fingers crossed, then.

Yeah, and you break
one of those rather lovely legs.

'All right. Bye-bye.'

- How the fuck did she know that?.
- I don't know.

You never spook... You never
spook the talent, alright?.

Even if there is a mushroom cloud
about to go off behind them,

especially if they're
about to go live, OK?.

- It is page one stuff, Claire.
- I didn't tell her!

(Announcer) Davina will start talking.

When the music kicks in, that's
your cue to go absolutely berserk.

Keep it going
until you hear Davina talking.

All right, guys, stand by.

PHONE BEEPlNG

Hey.

- Hey.
- Have you got no signal?.

- Mmm.
- Yeah, no-one's got one.

- Yeah, probably the wrong type of cloud.
- Huh?.

I'm gonna try in the office.

All right, well,
I'll see you in a bit, right?.

CHEERlNG

(Woman) Hang on a minute,
my sound has gone down again.

Where is the sound?.

(Patrick) Just move it back up. Put 4 up.

Bring 4 up, for fuck's sake.

Move that camera off her. I can't stand
her fucking face. Look at him.

(Announcer) Here we go - five seconds.

Make some noise! Come on!

CHEERlNG

Anything?.

Nobody's picking up from the channel.

Fucking hell.

Sod it. No news is good news.

Right, man the lifeboats! Come on!

Grayson, Marky and Pippa -
three little piggies

but who's going to be squealing
all the way home tonight?.

SNORTlNG
Someone's coming out!

Hey.

You OK?.

- Yeah, I'm fine.
- Yeah?.

Dunno. This job...

- I thought you liked it.
- I do.

I just... All I do is fetch coffees.

But dunno. The show
and the crowds and everything...

It's not really real, is it?.

Do you know what I mean?.

You don't really, do you?.

(Kel...)

WHl MPERlNG

The bite's still bleeding!

- Try and stop it.
- Can't we take him to the hospital?.

I'm trying to find one.
I can't get any signal.

SOBBlNG

There's a doctor at the studio.
We'll go there.

WAlLlNG

I'm now going to talk to the house.

CHEERlNG

Big Brother house, this is Davina.

You are live on Channel 4.
Please do not swear.

Bollocks!
CHUCKLlNG

- (Davina) Grayson.
- Yes?.

- (Davina) Marky.
- (Grayson) Wanker!

CHEERlNG

(Davina) And Pippa.

The lines are closed, the votes
have been counted and verified

and I can now reveal
that the next person to be evicted

from the Big Brother house is...

CROWD SHOUTlNG AND CHEERlNG

.. Pippa!

CROWD SCREAM lNG AND CHEERlNG

My make-up...

(Davina) Pippa, you'll be leaving
the house in 30 minutes' time.

OK.

Can't she go now?.

Fuck it. I need some more Nicorettes.

Get...just get someone to get them.

He's not breathing.

WAlLlNG
He's not breathing!

SCREAM lNG

(Claire) Kel. >

Kel.

Yep?.

(Claire) Sorry, but someone
urgently requires nicotine gum.

Cool, I'm on it. Shop's still open.
I can make it.

Ta. Oh, and you still owe me
those mucky details.

Yeah, cheers, thanks for that.

I'll go.

Are you sure?.

- Hey.
- Oh, hi.

Smells of fingering in here.

Joplin has literally worn that shirt
the whole fucking time.

Imagine what that smells like.

- (Davina) Pippa?.
- Yes?.

You have 30 seconds
to say your goodbyes.

I'm coming to get you!

- You're gonna be fine.
- It's gonna be all right.

- All gonna be fine.
- Davina will look after you.

- Yeah?.
- Yeah?.

- You look beautiful.

(Crowd) Get Pippa out! Get Pip...

Aw. >

Say hello to my mum for me, yeah?.

Be brave.

(Big Brother) 1 0, 9, 8, 7, 6...
Go, Pippa! >

..5, 4, 3, 2, 1.

Pippa, you have been evicted.

Please leave the Big Brother house.

SQUEALlNG

CROWD BOOlNG

Yeah, come off the garden.
Fucking hell.

Ladies and gents, it's Pippa!

BOOlNG

- Fuck, I can hear booing.
- They're going nuts!

Shh, shh.

She'll be all right. She'll be all right.

Listen, listen!

BOOS AND CHEERS

GURGLlNG

Oh, my God!

(Davina) OK, so ginger snaps
for the last time

as Pippa leaves the building,

but can she stay calm?.

We'll hear her tell us what she thought
about her fellow housemates.

She didn't like them.

Find out after the break.

SQUEALlNG AND CHEERlNG

(Big Brother) Big Brother house,
the storeroom door is now open.

CHEERlNG
Bang on! Let it be booze!

Come on!

He had a thing with me, you know?.

What?.

Yeah, when we were on
I'm A Celebrity.

We screwed in a hammock.

It was nice.

MUSlC:. Big Brother Theme

And welcome to Pippa!
SQUEALlNG

Oof.

I cannot imagine living next door
to people like that.

GROWLlNG AND SCREAM lNG

They two had sex in the bedroom.

CHUCKLlNG

SCREAM lNG

ROARlNG

- Joplin. Joplin.
- God, he is so boring.

- But that's so mean.
- But he's forty.

He's had his life.

(Claire) Oh, my God. Is that actually
what Channel 4's putting out?.

- Yeah, why?.
- That.

Oh, get to fuck.

Hello.

Is it love?. Is it love?. Is it?. Is it?.

No, he's just my friend.

CROWD GROANlNG

LAUGHlNG >

We've just lost everything
on the fucking screens.

(Patrick) We've lost everything
on the screens!

MUSlC:. Grace Kelly by Mika

Watch me vodka. Don't! Fuck off!

It's annoying!

Don't!

SCREAM lNG, GROWLlNG

I'll give 50 quid to the first person
who gets me an outside line.

- For fuck's sake.
- There's no mobiles working.

SNARLlNG AND GROWLlNG

SHOUTlNG

SCREAM lNG

If he separates... >
SCREAM lNG lN EARPlECE

Sorry. Hello?.

- Is my mum in here?. Is my mum here?.
- Hello?.

SNARLlNG

SCREAMlNG

What's going on up...

SNARLlNG

SQUELCHlNG

SNARLlNG AND YOWLlNG

MUFFLED SCREAMlNG
They're going batshit out there.

Yeah, that's the public
for you, isn't it?.

They're animals.

I could be brown, I could be blue,
I could be violet sky

I could be hurtful, I could be purple,
I could be anything you like

Gotta be green, gotta be mean,
gotta be everything more

Why don 't you like me?.
Why don 't you like me?.

Why don 't you...

SCREAM I NG

Fuck! Fucking get out of the way!

SCREAM I NG, SNARLl NG

M USlC PLAYlNG,
GLASS SHATTERlNG, SCREAM lNG

Humphrey, we're leaving
K'ching!

What's your boyfriend's
name again?. >

Your real one, that is.

What is your fucking problem?.

Danny?.

< Oh, Romeo's back, is he?.

RASPY BREATHlNG

What happened?.

Stop it!
SCREAM lNG

Danny, no!
WET CRUNCHlNG

Stop it!

Stop it! Stop it!

RASPY BREATHlNG
Oh!

BANGlNG ON DOOR

BANGlNG ON DOOR
WHlMPERlNG

Go away!

BEEPlNG
Fuck!

CONTlNUOUS BANGlNG

Fuck off!

You fucking cunt! Fuck off!

WHlMPERlNG

Help me!

(Sobbing) Help.

Fuck!

SOBBlNG

The head of the emergency services
has claimed

those responsible for the violence
engulfing the nation

are not technically alive.

Eyewitnesses describe
dead or injured people

apparently attacking one another
en masse.

Police advice
is to seek shelter immediately,

barricade doors and wind...

SOBBlNG

Oh, please! Please!

Please!

THUNDER RUMBLlNG

BANGlNG ON DOOR RESUMES

YELLlNG AND ROARlNG

(Sobbing) Please, go away.

BANGlNG AND ROARlNG

- All right?.
- Mmm.

No alarm this morning.

Mmm.

Bit weird, innit?.

RASPY BREATHlNG

BEEPlNG

SLURPlNG

GROWLlNG

SHOUTlNG

Aargh!

Aargh!

No!

SOBBlNG

Hi.

- All right, cheeks?.
- Don't!

Get off!

I'm gonna make some eggs.
You want some?.

There aren't any.

Grayson had a fried-egg sandwich
last night.

For fuck's sake! Right.

- Oh, come on.
- Oh, Marky, don't...

What the fuck?.

- That's for the eggs.
- What do you mean, eggs?.

You having the last of the eggs!

DlSTANT YELLlNG
Fuck this. I'm out.

Oh, for God's sake!

(Veronica) Marky, just drop it.
Drop it!

(Grayson) Stop showing off
for your girlfriend.

(Grayson) You are so cunt-struck,
I'm surprised you're not...

(Veronica) You're disgusting!

What's Grayson done?.

Eaten an egg.

ROARlNG
SCREAM lNG

ROARlNG

BANGlNG ON DOOR

Aargh!
SNARLlNG

GROWLlNG

(Space) Hello?.

MUFFLED ARGUlNG

What skanky bloodclart chief

Ieft their cigarette butt
in this mothertucking cup?.

Huh, yeah.

- How long have you been awake?.
- 'Bout half an hour.

You haven't had your mike on
all that time?.

Thanks, Big Brother!
Why didn't you say something?.

Just leave it.

(Grayson) Big Brother's
gonna give you a red card for that.

Will you just calm down?.!
For fuck's sake, Mark!

(Veronica) What you doing?.

YELLlNG

- (Space) Something is wrong!
- What?.

No mikes, no alarms...

..and the cameras ain't moving.

Big Brother ain't watching us.

(Shit.)

Shit.

YELLlNG

Aargh! Aargh!

Aargh!

YELLlNG AND ROARlNG

SOBBlNG

(Veronica) This ain't right.
No cameras, no fucking point.

- (Marky) They might be broken.
- (Joplin) All of them?.

- Could be electrics.
- They're doing it on purpose.

- Yeah, like a task.
- Where the cameras don't move?.

Like that's gonna be entertaining.

(Joplin) They want to see how we react
to a sudden absence of authority.

Well, it's freaking me right out.

That's what they want.
Don't give it to them.

- We're not freaked out!
- I am!

MUFFLED ARGUlNG

(Veronica) Give me the answer.
Tell me what's going on.

(Angel) Big Brother, man,
what the fuck...?.

(Veronica) Look, we've been
really good, playing games.

We just wanna know what's going on.

(Veronica) Hello?.

(Angel) If the cameras don't start
moving any minute, I'm walking.

Remember I told you...

- I'm going on the roof.
- We're not allowed there!

Exactly! If they don't stop me, we'll
know something's definitely wrong.

MUFFLED TALKlNG

SCREAM lNG

SCREAM lNG

(Grayson) They'll throw you out!

Just leave him!
Let 'em throw him out!

(Angel) You know what?. Fuck 'em.

- (Grayson) Oh, my God!
- (Veronica) Look!

(Veronica) That's what it is!
They've given us a new housemate!

CHEERlNG AND APPLAUSE

Oh, fucking hell. Unbelievable!

See, I told you!

(Veronica) Course it is! Look at her!

- She's a bit strange.
- What's your name, then?.

- (Marky) Uh...
- (Angel) Coo-ee! Hello!

LAUGHlNG

What's she doing?.

Hello?.

Fine. Whatever.

- Are you a mong?.
- Shh! She might be.

(Angel) Is that fake blood on her?.

(Grayson) Don't listen to them.
They're idiots, sweetheart.

- I wouldn't bother, Gray.
- Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

(Marky) Let Joppers in.
Come on, Jops.

Um, 'hello'.

My 'name' is Joplin.

SNlGGERlNG

And I'm 'happy' to 'meet you'.

- There's one in there.
- One what?.

(Grayson) Have you been outside
all this time?.

Can I ask you a question?.

- How am I coming across?.
- (Marky) Oh, you big queen.

- Am I popular?.
- Yeah, you're the favourite.

Ha! No autographs for you.
Hear that?. I'm the favourite!

- This is such a put-on this!
- Is that fake blood?.

Shut up.

You must try harder.
LAUGHlNG

- I said shut up!
- (Grayson) All right.

She's mental. Look at her.
Her mechanism's gone.

(Angel) It's just attention-seeking.
Ignore her, she'll stop.

GROWLlNG
Fuck.

Jesus. Fuck!

GROWLlNG

Fuck.

(Marky) Did they give you
specific instructions,

or just tell you to come in
and act weird?.

- I'm not acting. I work here.
- What, as a window-cleaner?.

Something's happening.
Some sort of outbreak.

- Oh, here we go.
- Just let her talk.

OK. Go on.

- People get this thing.
- Thing?.

They wanna kill you, and they change.

And then their bums fall off.
LAUGHlNG

- What do you mean, they change?.
- I dunno. They're dead.

- Dead?.
- Sorry, what did you say?.

They're dead.

They're dead,
and they're still alive.

They're everywhere.

That's what I'm trying to tell you.

- There's one in here.
- This is quality, this is.

Hammer House of horseshit.

You're brilliant, you.

Come on, now. That's enough.

GROWLlNG AND SNlFFlNG

LOW GROWLlNG

Oh, dear.

GROWLlNG

SCREAMlNG
Oh, fuck!

Not you! Fuck, not you!

SCREAMlNG
Fuck, shut up!

Shut up!
ROARlNG

Is that Davina?.

Sort of.

Get off my fucking suit.

(Joplin) Dear Big Brother,
may I say how impressed I was

at your inclusion of a clearly
mentally unhinged woman

into the house?.

Maybe something has happened.

(Veronica) I just wanna know, is that
fake blood?. I just wanna know.

(Joplin) Even if she's not mentally ill,
this is in very poor taste.

(Marky) You seriously think
there's a bunch of dead biffers

strolling about, eating people?.

They're coming to get you, Barbara.
(Manic laughing)

Well, I just want it noted
that I do not approve of this.

Shut up! Shut up, you fucking idiots!

You fucking idiots! I'm trying
to tell you there's one in there!

INDlSTlNCT YELLlNG

YELLlNG
Calm down. Just calm down.

KNOCKlNG
(Marky) Oi, mate! Mate!

You're live on Channel 4!
Don't swear or say "fuck" or nothing!

Maybe he's deaf and dead.

Hello?. Hello?.

No, can't hear anything.

Don't do that.
(Marky) There's nothing here.

(Veronica) Marky, get away from that.
It's the fire exit.

Don't open that door.

What, this door?.

- Open that door and I'll stab you.
- What?.

Marky, don't wind her up.
Seriously, she's fucking weird.

Shut the door!
(Angel) Shut the door!

Shut the fucking door!

- Close it! Fucking close the door!
- Marky, close it.

You fucking well
better close the fucking door!

All right! Fucking hell!

What you gonna do with them?.

Sorry. I'm just having a look.

SCREAM lNG

In the head.

You've got to get them in the head.