Dead Like Me (2003–2004): Season 2, Episode 4 - The Shallow End - full transcript

Deep down,

we all wanna know if we're loved.

It's the fundamental question.

But when I was a kid, the question was even more basic.

Does anyone even like me ?

I'm sure there's all kinds of theories

on how to help girls get over their insecurities and self-doubts.

But it takes a pretty twisted mind to think that swimming day is the answer.

Thanks a lot, mom.

Come on !

Hey !



Why don't you go say hi to your friends, sweaty ?

Look, Georgia, it's not gonna kill you to make a friend.

It might.

Fine, then let's go home.

I'm not wearing the floaties.

But you're a really bad...

You're not a strong swimmer, George.

I'd rather drown.

When I was 10,

I learnt one of life most valuable lessons.

No matter how uncool you think you are,

there's someone even less cool just a pool's length away.

Hi, George !

And that someone was Beth Anne Miller.



Oh shit !

Recently, I've been thinking a lot about crossing over.

But when you're alive,

crossing over is even harder.

Much harder.

So...

do you wanna go shopping this afternoon ?

- What for ?
- A new sweater.

Yeah, that one is pretty tragic.

I meant for you, Reggie.

I have homework.

You know other girls your age like to got to the mall.

It's cool.

Stealing lip-gloss and smoking behind the food court's cool ?

Fine, Reggie.

Stay here and work on that attitude.

It's pretty.

I'll call the sitter.

No !

I'll go.

What is so tragic about that sweater ?

Go !

This is the crucial step.

The unsuspecting patron peruses his menu

and selects his options.

Kiffany swings by.

She pretends not to notice him

thereby making him feel desperately foolish.

Castrated, limp and worthless.

A right turd.

Now, she owns him.

He's under her power.

Observe.

Absolutely brutal.

If people think you don't like them,

they want it even more.

- It's pathetic, isn't it ?
- Yeah.

Hey ! Captain Asshole !

Yeah ?

This view is ruining a perfectly built breakfast.

I'll have you known men have died for that view.

Okay...

So that was today's lesson from da Waffle Haus:

withold the love and you gain the power.

Hey, George !

You wanna come out of the pool ?

No.

I like it here.

Will resurface for food.

You.

You.

You.

Pools !

I hate pools. I hate water. I hate drowning.

I hate anything that makes somebody blue.

What about singing the blues ?

That's always nice.

Drowning is a really, really horrible way to die.

I'm blue....

I'm blue because of you...

You got the blond-hair, blue-eyed blues again, Daisy ?

Yes.

Hit me, Rube.

Nice to see you, Roxy.

Why don't you stay a while ?

I would but I don't want to.

Now Roxy here is a classic witholder.

She inspires fear through restraint.

I inspire fear through my 9 mm

and my penetrating gaze.

Is that a pepper spray on your fancy utility belt, Roxy ?

It is, Mason.

- You wanna play with it ?
- Yes.

You are so into pain.

Actually, that isn't pepper. It's chemicals.

Yeah right, Roxy. Whatever you say.

Toxic chemicals.

If you wanna beat him senseless,

nobody's gonna worry about it if you know what I'm saying.

That'd better not be my tip.

No.

I'll put up with a lot but I will not put up with that.

I'm sorry, Kiffany. It's just that my eggs weren't exactly lovely this morning.

Maybe you shouldn't have maced them.

- Thanks, Kiffany.
- See Rube.

You have the power in that relationship.

She loves you.

She hates me.

I tip 2 dollars on a 7-dollar breakfast.

It's not brain surgery.

This is in, like, 5 minutes.

Maybe you should, like, get a move on.

You do that you know.

- You withold the love.
- Yeah.

How can I withold that which I do not possess ?

Eat your breakfast.

Most girls are late for work because they overslept

or they missed their bus.

Most girls didn't have to spend their morning watching a guy

trying to repair his own lawnmower.

Successfully, I might add.

Slurpee.

The great thing about work is no matter how fucked up your personal life is,

your professional life can make it seem normal.

Holy shit ! Sorry. Are you okay ?

I think I'm gonna to hurl.

No, please. Don't.

Blows to the head always make me throw up.

How many blows to the head have you taken ?

A lot in high school.

Oh God ! Blood.

Here comes the McMuffin.

It's a slurpee.

Oh. Okay.

I'm better.

- That was a close one.
- Who are you ?

Ethan, Information Systems.

Computer geeks.

5th floor.

You accessed my files.

Dolores said it was okay.

I've been beaten up a lot.

And I'm a bleeder.

And that doesn't look like a slurpee.

It's a cherry slurpee, Ethan. Chill the fuck out.

- I'm so sorry, Millie. Wow !
- Slurpee.

I wanted to be here to introduce you to Ethan but Andy in personnel has carpal tunnel in both hands.

He can't even pee by himself.

Anyhoo...

Ethan is one of the top dogs in I.S.. He's here to help us with the nazi issue.

What nazi issue ? Who's a nazi ?

Actually, you are.

But there's a funny reason behind that.

I mean if you find that sort of thing funny.

Ethan is a genius. Humor him.

See, there's this group in Oregon.

And someone put a bot on your hard drive.

And they've been using your e-mail to mail out their...

literature.

To who ?

To whom. But that's cool. Everybody makes that mistake.

Answer the question.

Everyone in this office and, like,

a million people across the country.

- So everyone thinks I'm a...
- Yep, maybe.

Probably.

Definitely.

Excuse me, everyone.

Can I have everyone's attention, please ?

Take it off !

Shut up, you idiot !

I'm not a nazi.

There was a...

What was it ?

- Ethan !
- A bot !

A bot !

In my computer.

And huh... slurpee.

Thank you... for your time.

My god, this sucks.

Oh Millie, this is nothing.

You should have seen the tattoos I've had to have removed.

I'm not a nazi.

You know, in here,

I don't think any of us really is.

So, for what it's worth, I never thought you were a nazi.

So, I guess I shouldn't have been in your seat.

That's like a huge corporate faux pas,

breach of protocol or something.

- I'm not someone important.
- Tell that to the 5th floor.

The guys were insanely jealous I got to work on your computer.

Listen, I got to sort through all these files.

Everyone but Finkelstein.

When the nazi problem broke, he took it kind of hard.

And they all have to be in this exact order.

So you should go.

Like, now.

Actually. It's funny.

I reorganized you file structure.

You what ?

Oh wow !

All your files are there just...

organized.

Okay. Bye !

Ethan. Come here.

I could totally help you.

There are definite perks stabbing smart guys like him.

I had to wonder what good deed I had done to deserve this.

And then it dawned on me.

Maybe witholding affection does work a certain magic.

Not so close.

Beth Anne Miller weren't exactly the same.

But we weren't exactly different.

We both orbited that thin air light years away from the center of the social universe.

Okay, fine...

We were geeks.

But whatever it was that we shared.

Well...

the ties that bind were a little loose that day.

Can I help you ?

Yeah, I guess I wanna, like, I don't know...

I don't know... swim.

Not like that, you know.

I don't actually need to swim I just wanna go into the pool to...

Not like that.

Hi ! May I see the signing sheet ?

There isn't one. Do you have an appointment ?

Perhaps you can help me, I'm looking for an S. Samuels.

There is no dr. Samuels in this practice.

Excuse me, is there an S. Samuels here ?

You know what ?

I think I'd like a consultation.

- Can I get your name ?
- It's Daisy. Daisy Adair.

Okay.

Fill this out, please. And what insurance do you carry ?

I have sag.

Well, you have come to the right place.

Screen actors guild. I'm an actress.

Wow ! Is she gonna be okay ?

She'll be fine. She's in the care of doctors.

Mrs. Smith.

It can't be the face.

No, no. These are just fine.

Do you love you ?

Yes !

Do you deserve to love you even more ?

Well, I can't see why not.

Fuck me !

It's a bunch of naked old man !

Do you know where a T. Hailor is ?

Oh ! Theo...

in the shallow end.

The one who's yakking away.

So, I'm with my son-in-law, Mr. Silicon Valley himself.

- We were watching the game.
- What game ?

The game is not important.

I don't know, the Seahawks.

And he says to me:

"I know why your picture's fuzzy."

Picture's fuzzy ?

Like the back of your balls.

So Mr. silicon Valley, he says to me:

"I know why the cable is no good here."

He says the problem is solar flares.

"Solar flares are causing your cable to go out."

"Solar flares are giving you a fuzzy picture."

And what do you say ?

I say:

"The reason the picture's fuzzy

is I don't have cable, you know-it-all jackass."

I'm diving.

Jesus, Theo !

Enough with the diving. What would Betty say ?

She'd say "look at all the twigs and berries."

He just does it for the attention.

He shouldn't be diving.

He's got the blood pressure of a jackrabbit.

Hello !

Oh my... Jesus !

I'm sorry. I'm just...

Your balls are huge.

God save the queen !

Come on back, Theo. You're scaring the children.

Relax, son. They're just balls.

So, huh... So, Reggie, where do you wanna start ?

Can't you just meet me in here in, like, 20 minutes ?

One thing !

Okay, one thing we do together. I'm not asking for the moon.

You'll embarrass me.

How ? How will I embarrass you ?

You're doing it right now !

How much do I get to spend ?

Nothing until I see it.

Fine.

Reggie !

You look good in blue. Matches your eyes.

I don't know you.

Oh boy !

What would Betty say ?

Look at him !

He doesn't wanna be up there.

So how do we get him back down ?

We could wave a brisket.

Why does he always pull these stunts ?

Because someday it'll make a funny story.

Someday but not today.

It's a bird !

It's a plane !

It's superThe...

Shit !

Ain't that a cake ? I didn't feel a thing !

That's because I took your soul out right before you hit the diving board, sir.

So, huh, I'm dead ?

That's the situation ?

Dead is the situation you're in I'm afraid.

And now would be moving on

What's the... what's the deal ?

No one can see me ?

No one can see you apart from me unfortunately.

I just cannot get over the size of your testicles !

Imagine that, Betty ! I got a gay angel !

Ew ! I'm not an angel.

Or gay.

My friends for 50 years...

They don't look very sad.

Come on ! Your death hasn't sunk in yet.

It hasn't hit them like it hit you.

They're gonna wanna make some kind of plaque here at the pool.

"Good friend, graceful swimmer,

not a good diver."

Yeah, I'm sure they will.

It's gonna be hardest on Marty.

I mean this is gonna be one tough eulogy. You know what I'm saying ?

I'm sure your funeral will be lovely.

Yeah...

I'm gonna need to put on some clothes.

I've got a nice blue suit, Betty's favorite.

Nice !

What ? For your funeral ?

No... No ! You can't go to your own funeral.

Look, pal.

No one ever told me how to live and I'm sure not gonna start listening now.

I'm going to my funeral, alright ?

I've been looking forward for this for years.

Oh ! Bloody hell !

God ! Can you imagine someone actually wearing that... crap ?

So slutty !

Aren't you supposed to sell it ?

Shhh ! Come on !

I so know what you mean but it's, like,

you don't have to dress like a hooker to get noticed, right ?

What are you doing here anyway ?

This stuff is so not you.

You're... You're better than that.

Here look at me for a sec.

This is Iroquois.

Your hair is kinda like Indian except, you know, lighter.

I'm sorry. That was so presumptuous of me.

It's okay.

You sure ?

Okay.

Reggie, is everything okay ?

I guard her.

I meet you right here in 20 minutes.

I gave birth to her, see, but you guard her.

It's great.

My mom's like that too.

Hypoglycemic so she's totally like dr. Jekyll and Mrs. Hyde.

I've to keep triscuits around

and just shove them in her mouth when she starts to wig out.

So your name is Reggie ?

It's a pretty bad-ass name for a girl !

Can I show you something really pretty ?

In a fair world,

nice people would be liked

and mean people would be disliked.

But that's not the way things work.

Huh, Millie.

I was wondering if you could find me the availability stats for Schwegman's supermarket ?

Never mind, I'll... find it myself.

Keep up the good work.

In a fair world,

behaving like a complete asshole would make you really unpopular.

But this isn't a fair world.

And assholes have followers and disciples and assistants.

The assholes are treated like kings.

She's back.

Like... 6 inches away.

I don't know... She smells kinda like citrus-y and waffles.

I have to go.

Personal call, Ethan ?

Sort of. Some of the guys on the 5th floor had a couple questions about you.

Like what ?

Well, my friend Seth,

he's in data retrieval...

Seth wanted to know what your eyes look like up close.

- So, I told him...
- They're brown.

I said hazel.

You're kinda angry.

No more personal calls, Ethan.

Okay, sure.

No problem.

In a world where perfectly decent girls get brained by cosmic space shit

and get accused of being nazi sympathizers,

I was having trouble turning the other cheek.

Being mean was more fun.

Being mean was cool.

You're dead.

But I was never really cool.

Mrs. Spenson.

Is that a smile, Susan ?

I can't read your face anymore. You've botoxed it senseless.

It's the prize, Sarah.

I didn't know until just now that the human body can withstand that much lipo.

Tell me: is it true the 10th is free ?

Fuck you.

Fuck you back.

How's it going ?

Dr. Simmons said that your ass fat is putting his daughter through Yale.

He's very grateful.

Is either of you a Mrs. Samuels ?

Mind your own fucking business !

I'm Stan Samuels.

Do I know you ?

I'm Daisy, Daisy Adair from the insurance company.

There's been a mix up with your coverage.

They've already made it painfully clear that my procedure is not covered.

Right, it's not.

Why did you ask for a Mrs. Samuels ?

I just assumed you were gonna be a woman.

I will be soon.

I hope.

Of course, you will.

I saw you park your Jag in the handicap zone, Sarah.

Is cellulite now a recognized handicap ?

- Tramp !
- Retard !

- Slut !
- Middle-aged !

Can I help you ?

No, I'm just browsing.

Ok, well, just let me know if you wanna take anything out for a test drive.

You know...

It might be time to try a new product or two.

It's like your house:

you stuff in the foundations then you build from the ground up.

So, for example:

"hate your husband but willing to stray neutral"

or "already kicked his ass to the crib".

What shade is "he's banging one of his students" ?

- What's your name ?
- Joy.

It's a pretty name.

So what do you want, Joy ?

The last ten years of my life back.

I can do that.

Part of me knew that being mean was reckless,

that it was kind of like driving too fast.

So what if I wasn't wearing my seatbelt ?

So what if I occasionally scraped another fender ?

- Christ, Crystal !
- I'm sorry, Millie !

People have to walk around here, you know...

I don't have time to pick this crap up.

Nice girls don't get the guy.

Nice girls don't rise to the top.

Now you made me mad !

Now we can never be friends.

Nice girls finish last.

Theo !

Theo, Theo.

We have these rules.

Okay ? No funerals.

Funerals are for the living.

So they take a couple of days to arrange...

Especially one like mine !

It's gonna be an event.

I had friends. I can't wait.

That's just it, Theo, you can't wait.

You see, huh...

Goodness ! How do I explain this ?

It's a...

You called the cable guy, right ?

And you made an appointment

and that cable guy has made a window for you

and that window is from 12 to 5.

Right ? So, if you're not there,

when he presses that little doorbell then...

No cable ?

I don't bloody know, Theo. I really bloody don't know.

Son, I appreciate the effort but I was in sales

and I've got to tell you you're not closing.

I'm going to my funeral.

Please, at least meet my boss then.

Oh ! look at this, Betty. I'm talking to God today.

No, he just thinks he's God.

You're sure no one can see me ?

No, no, I would have thought that was completely obvious by now.

And that just is not right for them, okay ?

Hi !

Theo !

- When do they call my parents ?
- Are they your next of kin?

Did your parents know what you were doing ?

That's a beautiful cross. You catholic ?

I'm thinking about it.

When I was a kid,

my mom used to pray at the drop of the hat.

Every morning before my dad would go to work,

every time I took a test,

for the pot roast to being tender.

She really never stopped praying.

The power of prayer is very real for some people.

Yeah ?

Well, the million Hail Marys didn't turn me into a girl.

I'm sorry.

Do you think there's a chance I could go to church one last time ?

Of course.

I'm not interested in speculations, doctor. I'm interested in facts.

The fact is you have no chin.

You need a chin implant. I mean look at you !

How do you even change pillowcases ?

And that is everything.

Now Reggie, if you change your mind or whatever, it's completely cool.

Wow ! Check out your mom !

Well ?

You look like a newscaster.

How much ?

195 plus tax.

You're good.

Reggie !

Reggie, stop !

Hi !

Hello. Do I know you ?

No. I'm Steve. You're hot.

Fuck off, Steve.

Who is that ?

Nobody.

Newscaster my ass !

So everything is on your hard drive

and I made you a hard copy in this binder in case, you know,

the whole nazi problem resurfaces.

Okay.

Why are there post-its on my binder ?

I put these post-its at the top of each subsections so that if, like,

say you're trying to find a job for someone, you can type and also drive and you could just...

I don't like post-its.

- Okay, I just...
- Lose the post-its, Ethan.

Okay, sure.

So, I do origami.

I really like craft so I had some extra time

'cause I work so quickly so I made you...

I made you a swan.

Oh !

Ethan !

This is sweet.

- I'm sorry.
- Yeah.

It was a pretty one.

I guess I could make you another one.

- That's okay.
- Didn't really want to anyway.

Okay, bye.

I wasn't always like this.

I used to be a nice person.

Hi, Beth Anne.

Isn't it weird how there's so many waves but the water is not really going anywhere ?

Why can't you be normal ?

Why do you have to be so weird ?

I don't know.

But being nice didn't seem to work either.

It's like anyway I'd play it,

I wind up alone.

I'm sorry, Dolores.

You know, Millie,

back in the days, when I had all those restraining orders against me,

I thought hate was the answer.

Seriously, Dolores, I'm not a nazi !

Oh I know that, silly !

I'm just trying to say:

sometimes when I have to choose between a bullwhip and a smile,

I choose the smile.

That was one of the first things you ever said to me.

You said: "I haven't seen you smile once."

I don't think so.

I said that to another young girl.

Lovely young girl. Tragic what happened.

Yeah, my mistake.

Millie.

Ethan just quit.

What ?

He said he wasn't cut out for this kind of

"corporate cutthroat culture".

What happened, Millie ?

I had a bad day.

No ! Millie...

Ethan had a bad day.

This park is beautiful.

- All of God's creatures, right ?
- I guess.

I wanted to be a girl

ever since I can remember.

Who wouldn't wanna be a girl ? We're so much prettier than boys !

You're kinda pretty.

You make it look so effortless.

Yeah but don't let the final picture fool you,

this is 2 hours of hard labor in the morning.

No, it's in everything you do.

The way you walk, the way your hair flows,

the way you move your hips... It's perfect.

Are you flirting with me ?

- I'm dead.
- Right.

Still yours is the face I wanted to see in the mirror every morning.

Just perfect.

I know.

But you know what, Stan ? So are you.

I think we both know that's not quite true.

You're sweet. You're honest.

You've got great style. You'd have made a good woman.

Would have, could have...

- I got screwed.
- Yeah.

That's all part of his plan, that's what they say.

That's what they say.

Why are you going to church ?

It's where you talk to God, Daisy.

It's his house.

Reggie, I need to get a move on early tomorrow morning so you're gonna have to...

Wow !

Don't you knock !

Wow ! You look like a...

young woman.

Please, get out.

I'm out.

Thanks.

Matzoth balls are nice tonight.

Do you care if people like you ?

- Do I act like I care ?
- No.

Nobody likes the cops anyway.

But they're sure happy to see us when the shit hits the fan.

Eat your soup before it's cold.

Jesus ! Those are some enormous balls.

Excuse me !

Oh good God !

You have to help me. This man wants to go to his own funeral.

He died naked ?

Smashed into a diving board.

- With his balls ?
- Stunning, isn't it ?

Tell him the rules, Mason. No funerals.

- I tried that, Rube. The thing is...
- The thing is what, Mason ?

You know that thing. You're good at that...

thing that you can... you're better at...

you know, you know...

talking.

Well said.

Please, Rube. His name is Theo.

This is too much ball.

Now he's put me off my soup.

- So, you see what I'm saying ?
- I don't see what you're saying.

I do !

Oh God !

Der Waffle Haus.

I remember when the first one of these went up.

War was over. Didn't go so well in the beginning.

Betty and I were on our 5th date. She had waffles.

Thanks.

Thanks a million.

Come on, Theo. Let's chat.

Look at the lovers.

Kiss her, you putz.

This way, Theo.

Gonna eat that soup ?

Just gross.

Haven't seen many of them, have you ?

My first...

pair.

They're not all like that.

Some are worse.

Poor Betty.

Who's Betty ?

No one.

How does this guy not care if people see him like that ?

He just doesn't.

Do you care if people like you ?

No !

Why ? Somebody said something about me ?

Is it Daisy ? Does she not like me ?

I have to go.

I can't believe this. What ? Has Daisy said something about me ?

That old man is your reap, Mason.

So bloody what ?

Man ! You never met a problem you couldn't run from, huh ?

You're the one who needs some balls.

Night, Rube !

Did she me ?

She can.

And she'll never be the same for it.

You know, Theo,

death has its own protocol.

It's like a train.

You don't wanna be late for your train.

Exactly what that Mason guy said except prettier.

Thank you.

Why do you wanna go to your own funeral ?

I'm just curious. I'll see who'll come,

hear what people have to say.

I lived a long life, you know.

Stories will be told.

Worried somebody might make a joke or two at your expense ?

I don't know.

I was a loud mouth.

Betty always laughed at my jokes.

Theo, you strike me as the kind of guy who he was, not a load of bullshit.

You were the kind of guy who didn't give a shit about being liked.

That's why people liked them.

How long ago did Betty die, Theo ?

Seven years this November.

I'm sorry. I'm a little bit confused. I mean...

Isn't she the one that you really wanna see ?

And I'm thinking she's not gonna be at your funeral.

Yep.

I miss her.

God ! I miss my wife.

I don't think we should keep Betty waiting any longer.

- Let's go find her then.
- Yeah.

Come on.

Rube, do you think Daisy is upset with me for a reason ?

Can't imagine why she would be.

Come on already ! I'm freezing my balls of here.

Sorry, Theo. Wouldn't wanna keep you waiting.

Would you like some time alone, Stan?

Please.

You bastard.

Stan!

Hypocritical,

no-good,

backstabbing,

judgmental...

You said we're all God's children. Except the freaks.

Except for me.

You.

You do it.

I can't. I won't.

- Just help me.
- I'm sorry. I can't.

- Why would god do this to me?
- Do what?

- Have you die this way?
- Have me live this way.

God doesn't love all creatures, Daisy.

I think you should pray, Stan.

I want to forgive him,

but I want him to tell me...

that he's sorry first.

Come on! Go! Go!

Hey, hey! Hey, god's watching you! He saw that!

Hooligans!

You'll pay for that!

Stan?

Stan...

Blessed art thou amongst women.

I don't know exactly what makes people cross over.

I mean, souls.

I think they see light where others cannot.

I think they see a chance to become something else.

Someone else.

Some people are becoming who they're going to be,

others are just trying to be anything but who they are...

And others just can't decide.

This is Iroquois.

It'll match your dark hair perfectly.

Everybody wants to be liked.

I know I did...

but I knew I was still looking...

for something, for someone.

For light...

- Um, hi, George.
- Hi, Beth Anne.

And I had no idea where I'd find it.

When I was 10,

something happened to me...

And something happened to Beth Anne Miller...

and it changed both of our lives...

forever.