Dead Like Me (2003–2004): Season 2, Episode 2 - The Ledger - full transcript

Most girls my age are obsessed
with pretty similar things.

Fun things.

Some are obsessed with flirting.

Something more than flirting.

Some are obsessed with their ride.

Or whether to wear Really Ruby Red

or Silver City Pink.

Me... I was obsessed too.

I was obsessed with post-its.

Post-its and death.

I was beyond obsessed.



Did you write my name on my post-it ?

What ?

Did you write my name on my post-it ?

The one where I died.

Georgia, I'm not a big fan of the drop-by.

Well, I want to know.

The drop-by is... It's a discourtesy.

Polite society has a protocol,

an agreed-upon time and place, you make plans.

Kinda like a post-it.

I was in the middle of a
sentence when you knocked.

The written sentence in a book but I
had to put it down because you knocked.

I was in the middle of
something when you knocked.

Does it matter who wrote your post-it ?



Here's what I know.

You get a list of names

and you transfer the 1st initial,
last name, time and place onto a post-it.

But you get more than that.

That's right.

What else do you get ?

Is my name still in here somewhere ?

What else does it say about me ?

What else does it say about me ?

Oh what is this ? Like Santa Klaus' list ?

Does it say who's bad and who's good ?

Does it say that I was 18 years old ?

That I never had a boyfriend ?

That I didn't even have my driver's license ?

Did it say that I had never done anything ?

Do you know anything about Persian mythology ?

Persian mythology says on the
last day there's a reckoning.

There's an old-fashioned scale.

You got one side for light,
one side for darkness.

Good, evil.

Everybody steps onto the pan,

sees how they measure up.

The world wants it all to make sense.

The world wants... all that add up.

The world wants... balance.

This is your response ?

Some story about some bullshit
weight station into the afterlife ?

You're still here, George.

I wanna be young and silly.

You are young and silly.

Georgia ! I wrote your name on that post-it.

I had not met you,
I didn't know how a great kid you are.

But if I had known you, I would still
have written your name on the post-it.

It's the way of the world.

I think he's wrong.

I don't think it all adds up.

I don't think any of it makes sense.

I don't see any fucking balance in the world.

It's all about luck.

Either you're lucky, or you're not.

And I'm not.

This is bullshit.

She sold the Slater's house.

She got 50,000 over asking.

Alright, she's their top realtor, Clancy.

She's ambitious and ruthless.

Right up your alley.

I think Reggie's upstairs.

Reggie ? Reggie ?

Can't find her. Bye.

I don't see why we have to sell the house.

Well, how about half of it is your father's ?

Can't we just buy his half ?

I don't have that kind of money.

Well I guess you'll have to go back to work.

Reggie, going back to work, you know,

would require a major lifestyle
change for me, you know,

for both of us.

So I have to live in some cheesy apartment

just because you're lazy ?

Do you remember what my job was ?

Secretary.

Legal secretary.

And lawyers are very angry people.

Don't you remember how incredibly
unhappy I was when I came home ?

You're always incredibly unhappy.

No, I'm not.

Unhappy in the cheesy apartment,

unhappy in the big house...

Excuse me ! Can I borrow your salt please ?

Thank you.

Roxy...

Can I see your new police revolver please ?

- No.
- Please.

No.

I just wanna hold it, Roxy.

No.

Look, I won't shoot you,
I promise, promise, promise.

I just want it... filling my hands. Please !

No !

And stop asking me.

Give me the gun !
Give me the gun ! Give me the gun !

You are really working my nerves this morning.

You don't have the weight force.

You wish you had a pair like mine, baby.

And a gun like that.

Here's your juice, hon'.

Thanks.

Is it too much to ask to eat my eggs in peace ?

Just let the little man hold the gun.

Luck's everywhere.

Just drifting in the breeze.

And the bad luck that's floating
around has to land on somebody.

And whoever it lands on...

well, people find ways to even the score.

My parents are selling my house.

You want anything, sweaty ?

No, thanks.

The house I grew up in, they're selling it.

- How much ?
- I have no idea.
- How much is the check ?

Why would they do this ? They loved our house.

- Just doesn't add up.
- It doesn't add up.

- What's the problem ?
- We lived there for 20 years.

What's the problem with the check ?

- She didn't charge us enough.
- Let's pay it and run.

We most certainly will not.

Right, Johnny Law on the spot.

They just up and leaving.

She didn't charge me for my fruit salad.

- Doesn't make sense.
- It makes sense.

Cops eat free.

It doesn't make sense her parents are moving.

That's what I'm saying.

Maybe it's just too painful to
walk by your bedroom everyday.

It's not like they need the extra-space because

when she kicked the bucket,
they gained an extra-door.

Roxy, do me a favor...

Shoot him !

Gladly !

SO far ahead of this bid.

I was joking.

Roxy...

Look at you !

You think you're so bloody special, don't you ?

Prancing around in your tight blue
trousers and your big shiny gun.

but let me tell you something, sweetheart.

Cops don't eat free.

People hate cops.

Please don't. I've had a bad morning already.

Excuse me, Kiffany.

Hi, could you settle a dispute for us ?

What is it, sweetheart ?

Do officers of the law
receive complimentary meals ?

- No.
- Ah ah ah !

Coffee's free. You want some more coffee ?

No, thank you.

So what ? You just neglected to
charge her for her fruit salad ?

Well...

Look at that ! You're right.

I'll get you a new check.

Jesus Christ !

Fucking hell !

So they're selling your childhood home ?

Yes !

That's a shame, sweaty.

It's not fair.

That fucking hurt.

It does hurt.

It's like sometimes the world
just doesn't make any sense.

Pardon me.

Hey ! Can I get a soda ?

- Five-letter word "accidental fish".
- Fluke.

Time to generate a new revenue stream. Behold !

Oh Mason, Mason, Mason...

Are you drinking again ?

No.

Say "as God is my witness".

I don't believe in God.

Now what about a little wager ?

Come on ! Guess where the pea is !

Where is the pea ? Where is the pea ?

Put a dollar down. Come on !

A George Washington from Georgy girl.

Is it under this one ?

Could it be under this one ?

Or is it this one ?

Where could it be ?

Where is the pea ?

Guess ! And win a dollar !

- The middle one.
- Nop !

Oh by George ! She's got it !

You are drinking again.

Okay, so give me the money
back and we'll start all again.

Hmmm no !

Yes because that was practice, alright ?

And you just lost a dollar.

Morning boys and girls !

How's everybody ?

Having a lovely day, thank you. How about you ?

- Still wearing those sticks, huh ?
- I am.

Find yourself a cross,
suddenly you're a catholic.

I think it looks really
pretty on me, don't you ?

You know, George, you have your very own saint.

I'd rather have a pony.

Saint George is the patron saint of

farmers, soldiers, boy scouts,
cavalry, chivalry and England.

I want a saint. Have I got a saint ?

Yeah, Saint Thomas.

What about Saint Mason ?

Thomas is the patron saint of masons.
There's no Saint Mason.

But saints are marvelous,
there's a patron saint for everything.

Patron saint for lost causes, patron saint
for being depressed, patron saint for...

Being bored out of your skull.

Do you know what the Holy Trinity is, George ?

We are in a fucking restaurant.

It's peppers, onions and celery.

Would a little ritual in
her life do her any harm ?

I have a little ritual myself.

Let us begin.

Nothing for me ?

Not unless you got one under
your pretty little shells.

Don't you usually ride a bike over here ?

Yes.

- Did you ride it today ?
- Yes.

Well, it's not out there.

What ?

Your bike is gone.

I gave you that bike.

This better be a joke.

Is it really gone ?

Let me see your version of the shell game.

I could really use a laugh this morning.

Come on !

Quit fucking around. Play !

Someone stole my bike !

Someone stole my bike !

We got that. Did you lock it ?

Yes, I locked it.

All there's left is one tire.

Which tire ?

The tire that was locked !

I had a feeling you'd lose that bike.

You gotta make the figure 8 with your hands.

You don't have to be so huffy about it.

I've lost my pea now.

What ? You're blaming me ?

When something is lost, someone has
to be blamed, isn't that the theory ?

If not you then who ?

The designer of the bike for making something
so beautiful that someone else covets it ?

Or maybe we should blame me or maybe
we should assign no blame at all.

Daisy's people would say
"He giveth and he taketh away".

I blame the guy who took it.

I'd get revenge.

You know, an eye for an eye,
a Schwinn for a Schwinn.

I would steal somebody else's bike.

That's a bad idea.

Okay, Roxy's big, bad and blue now.
Why don't you ask her ?

That's a great idea.

Rube, can I borrow your truck ?

Are you a responsible driver ?

I am a an excellent driver.

I promise I'll take care
of your piece of shit truck.

Well, that's not the
response I was looking for.

Oh fine !

George !

What ?

Sometimes pretty things just disappear.

Well, I guess that's just my bad luck.

Show me the hands.

Winner or loser ? Winner or loser ?

Which will it be ?

Only time will tell.

Here today... Gone in a moment !

What's under the middle one ?

It's squishy.

I'm gonna squish if you
get any clay on that table.

We'll clean it.

Yeah, I've heard that one before.

You know, George, when you're all grown up,

you are not gonna believe how little you were.

I'm not little. Reggie's little.

Your father was kidding, honey.
You're a big girl.

Okay, let's do the left one.

The world may try to mess with you.

Out there it may be a free-for-all but in here

there's a system in place to address that.

Next !

Maybe it's just the uniforms

but in here it feels like
there's order in the world.

Next !

And if you just get the
facts onto the books, odds are

the system takes care of you.

Hi ! I'd like to report
the theft of my bicycle.

It happened almost an hour ago on Bay Street.

Fill those out.

What's this ?

It's a Harvard law degree.
We're all very proud of you.

Listen, I'm gonna be really late for work.

Can I just describe the bike to you

and you can put out an APB or whatever ?

No.

Great !

Excuse me.

Thank you.

Holy shit !

Did you see this ?

What happened to you, dear ?

Someone stole my bike.

And it was a really cool bike.

A man fondled my behind on a city bus.

There's no excuse for that.

I think he was stabbed.

Yep, assault with a deadly weapon...

Netting needles.

The shithead had it coming.

Here we go !

Here we go. Where we go ?

Where we go ? Nobody knows.

- That's your patter ?
- Patter's bullshit.

Patter's how you draw people in.

People are joining by the game

and by my non-threatening good looks.

Patter seduces.

It's not your strong sell.

There.

You know why people play the shell game ?

Because they think they can beat the odds.

Wrong.

They think they can beat you.

They think they're smarter than you.

In this case, they're right.

I'm smarter than you think.

You're smart enough to play stupid ?

I'm so smart, I'm practically retarded.

Are you drinking again ?

No.

Are you lying ?

As God is my witness.

Now where's the pea ? Follow the pea !

5'll get to 10, 10'll get to 20, 50'll get to 100,
double your money, double your money,

just catch it once.
One time ! One time ! One time !

You need a rhythm.

You need to hypnotize with your words.

I can hypnotize with my catlike movement.

Now, how slick was that ?

There's only one movement I care about.

It happens everyday right about now,
there's nothing catlike about it.

It's under the one on the right.

Wrong !

My right.

I can do this !

How is this low-priority ?

It's petty theft list.

It's a victimless crime.

Victimless ? Then who the fuck am I ?

And the language won't
make it a higher priority.

Did I win anything ?

Twenty scratch off and I didn't get squatt ?

What are the odds ?

Who do I have to kill to get
some attention around here ?

It's just an expression.

I'll catch up with you, guys.
I'll take it from here, thanks.

Thank God !

You have to help me, Roxy.

- It was a yellow bike.
- I can read.

And it had a bell and...

and a missing tire.

George, I will treat this
with the respect it deserves.

What does that mean ?

Look, I'm happy to file a report.

I'm happy to follow up.

But don't expect anyone around
here to look after your bike.

Somebody broke the law !

Somebody has to pay !

You're on the books, George.

I'm on the books

but the books don't really give a shit.

In the end, the lesson the system
teaches you is pretty simple.

You're on your own.

What the hell ? Is it Saturday ?

No. Staff meeting.

How come you're not there ?

Followings.

THEFT

Thieves Harm Everyone's Fun Times.

Let's break it down, people.

What do I mean when I say harm ?

Harm who ? You ?
Or the cutie in the next cubicle ?

The CEO ? The President ?

- Everyone chain to the lowest...
- Someone stole my bike !

And everyone in here is a thief
until proven otherwise including you.

Freak !

Oh ! Did I miss a joke ?

Let me tell you something.

Stealing company property is no joke.

People think "oh the company
is sucking away my life,

I'll just take something back."

Who is this guy ?

Security expert because
of all the supply theft.

I didn't give you a promotion
so you'd show up an hour late.

I was trying to find my bike to get here.

You !

What's your name ?

Millie.

You like your life here, Millie ?

Not so much.

Tell him you're happy.

I'm really happy.

Good. Good...

because you know what people do
when they're unhappy, don't you ?

They... get a cat ?

Not you !

Wrong !

They take staples

or roller ball pens or...

post-its !

People who don't like
their life try to get even.

And that makes Happy Time an unhappy place.

No matter how I tried to play the game,

it wasn't coming out in my favor.

Die, become reaper, see family sell house,

see bike get stolen, do not pass go.

RIPOF

Report Identify Prove Ostracize Fire.

Ripof ?

You got a problem there, Millie ?

You misspelled rip-off. Dropped an "f".

Oh I see.

We have ourselves a smart-ass.

Don't you mean "smart-as" ?

Millie !

Let me tell something there, Millie.

I can't sing. I can't tap dance.

I can't twirl a rifle.

I have one talent, Millie.

I fire troublemakers.

I find troublemakers and I fire them.

That's my talent, Millie. What's yours ?

You don't wanna find out.

Watch this one. I don't like her.

R-I-P-O-F.

Figure it out.

'less you catch the bull by the horns.

Huh.. well... huh... there're muffins.

Do you feel lucky today ?

Where is the pea ?

Find the pea.

The pea is under this shell.

Just take the money. Take the money !

Go away !

How's that revenue stream running ?

It's going really well actually, Rube.

I've actually saved you
something from the earnings.

Hang on. Where is it ? Let me find it...

It's there !

New car ?

Yeah. It's a... it's a lease.

Looks like a real chick magnet.

Where's Reggie ?

She's at school !

You know... place to keep the
non-voters for 8 hours a day

keep them out of trouble ?

Yeah. Yeah...

I was just nervous about coming over here.

So...

Where do we start ?

1983.

It was a joke.

I remember this.

I stole this from that hotel in Maohi.

We were both smoking on that trip.

And drinking !

It was a good vacation.

The best.

Well, since I stole it, I guess it's mine.

That's right, I'm the thief.

I'm the cat burglar.

Don't you eyeball me !

Oh yeah like anyone wants your fake Prada tote.

Okay, death waits for no man.
Gotta go ! Gotta go !

Millie !

You're an hour late and you're
going somewhere already ?

God ! I've forced with
12-step excuse into the ground.

Something else, please !

Dolores, I died a year ago
and became a grim reaper

and someone at the Woodside
Mall is going to die in about

20 minutes, probably violently.

And I have to go take their
soul before they bite it.

Well, that's stiff for you.

I appreciate your understanding.

That security guy really upset me !

That whole... bull with the horn thing...

whatever that was... I have no idea but

I'm on the edge here, Dolores,
and I need to go to a meeting.

Say no more.

Grant me the serenity.

Okay ! thank you. Later.

"I'm going to a meeting"... I'd bore
myself to death if I wasn't already dead.

I'm telling you the kitchen guillotine
is the last slicer you'll ever buy.

You like peppers ? It slices peppers.

Look at that ! Easy as pie !
Just right through the pepper like nothing.

Pop that on there.

Grill some meat on this, baby.

And you're doing what I like to call:

the Boscacci Habachi tango.

I'm Xavier Boscacci

and that's fun in the kitchen !

Come on, people ! And that's...

Fun in the kitchen.

Fucking mall gigs !

Okay, I need a volunteer, huh...

How about you young lady ?

No.

Come on ! Let's give her
a little encouragement.

Excuse me.

Look, kid.

I gotta move four of these by the
end of the hour or I'm a dead man.

Right ? Just read the script.

Do you like fresh fruit juice ?

I love fresh fruit juice.

Well, let me ask you this:

Do you like the rind ?

I throw the rind away.

You throw the rind away ?

My friend, if you're not trying the rind,

you're not living !

Neither are you in 3 minutes.

Oh ! Watch it, pal !

Isn't fresh fruit juice expensive ?

My friend, not only is the
kitchen guillotine easy to use

and easy to clean,

it's only $19.99 !

And you too can have fresh mimosas forever.

And that's fun in the kitchen !

You got some juice on your coat.

Actually that's you.

Oh...

You got guillotined.

I knew that blade wasn't safe.

We're just trying to cut cost, you know.

And the world gets even.

And maybe even throws you a bone.

So, is the rind really good for you ?

I have no idea.

That is not true, Joy.

I'm sure of it. I bought that
table when you were in grad school

Okay, whatever.

Take it !

Don't tell me like you're giving
me something out of charity.

That was the agreement. I brought it in.

Okay, fine.

You know what I brought in ?

Your necklace.

My...

Your mother gave this to me !

My mother...

I think that falls squarely in the category
of things that I brought into the marriage.

She's my mother.
You should give the necklace back to me.

Don't you get it ?

I wanted to give this to...

I want to give this to our daughter.

Well, I can give it to her just as easily.

You want it, Clancy ?

You're gonna have to rip it off my neck !

- Hi sweaty !
- Hey Regg' !

How was school today, honey ?

- Did I do one of these ?
- Yeah, you did. Right, Joy ?

Where is it ?

I don't know, sweaty.
It might have gone lost somewhere.

I need a ride to my drums lesson...

- Oh I'll take you !
- ...mum !

Listen, do you mind if I stay
and go through some things ?

I really do.

Rube says the world wants balance...

I say I'm ready to help the world get it.

Why shouldn't I get mine ?

Even if I didn't exactly pay for it.

Who are you kidding ?

You're not this lucky.

That's cool !

Why should I play by the rules ?

It's not like anyone was keeping score.

And more important:

it's not like anyone was watching.

Hi there !

Just browsing.

I've got Jesus Christ,
Crystal, Twin Towers there.

Tell me about the crosses.

What would you like to know ?

Are you a collector ?

They just sort of have a habit of turning up.

You wanna see something pretty ?

See ? Now there is something really pretty !

The crosses... How much are they worth ?

- Depends.
- On ?

Carat, age, design. Are you buying ?

No, just information gathering for now.

But I really do fancy them.

It's a nice piece you've got on you.

Is it ?

- May I ?
- Yeah.

Edwardian.

Probably turn of the century.

I'll give you a thousand bucks for it.

Really ?

I get a good turnover for
these heirloom state pieces.

I don't think so.

Are you catholic ?

A little bit. So are you Rusty ?

Yeah, I'm a little out of practice but

you look like you know what you're doing.

Not even a chuckle ?

Is Rusty your real name ?

No, I had red hair when I was a kid.

- My real name is John.
- John what ?

John McCollum.

1200. That's my final offer.

No, thank you.

I think I can get a better deal somewhere else.

You have beautiful things, Rusty.

Rusty and beautiful.

Rusty and beautiful...

Take the mirror.

- Really ?
- From one catholic to another.

You know, I actually have plenty of
mirrors but I would love another cross.

Help yourself.

You're a sweet man, Rusty.

I'm sure there's a nice deal
waiting out there for you.

You don't eat the rind ?

The rind is the best part, darling. Look !

That's fun in the kitchen !

Alright, you know what ? You see, you...

You are seriously beginning
to creep me out so piss off.

Go on, I mean it. Piss off. Go !

Go, go, go !

Anyway, you lovely people,
come and get your kitchen guillotine.

It slices, it dices.

It'll cut your fucking
hand off if you want it to.

Only 10 bucks a pop. Lovely ! Thank you !

Be the first on your block ! I'm good at this !

Lovely ! There's your kitchen guillotine, sir !

A day of firsts.

First time you've pulled into
this driveway since you died.

First time you walk in without breaking in.

And maybe the last time you see the place.

Hi !

- You must be Millie.
- Hi.

Nice to meet you.

I have to say it's a real coup when a
house on this block comes out for sale.

Those people keep these
gems in the family for years.

It's a very special opportunity.

And you're sure the family
won't be here, right ?

Oh no. No, of course not.

No, I think it's kind of...

I don't know...

creepy having the family hovering
around when you look at their things.

Creepy might be too strong a word.

No, it's good.

So, you are single ?

Engaged.

To a banker. He's at the
bank making serious... bank.

- Sure, then financing...
- Is the least of our problems.

Well, I think it's nice that the two of you
are interested in a family home like this.

Preparing for the future.

What I was really doing,
of course, was facing my past.

Now, what's special about the design of
the interior of this home is the floor.

- Why are they moving ?
- Excuse me ?

- Where is the family going ?
- I wouldn't know that.

Well, why are they leaving ?

There's no problem with the house itself.
I can assure you of that.

No, this place has been perfectly maintained.

The mother is...

Well she's very particular.

It just doesn't make any sense.

Now...

I shouldn't tell you this but

they lost a child.

It was very sad. Terrible accident.

Not in the home of course.

But I think that was the beginning of it.

The beginning of what ?

The end of the marriage.

It's very common.

Most marriages can't
survive the death of a child.

I do love those stores though.

And just as I did as a child when faced
with something I didn't wanna hear,

I headed straight for my room.

Can I show you one of the bedrooms in ?

There's a tricky handle, you might wanna...

hit it a bit.

It's the silly real flaw on an otherwise
mint-conditioned house. I assure you.

I think I'd just like to
get a feel for it up here.

By myself.

Sure, I'll be downstairs.

But it wasn't even my room anymore.

My parents were getting a divorce.

And I didn't even had a bed to cry on.

What is it about the death of something

that makes people just wanna put it in a box ?

And finally there I was.

But there was no place for me.

I just didn't fit.

Did Millie ever come back ?

I wanted her to do this tonight.

Just don't sing "We are the world" again.

for one-apple martini in units 1983.

Dolores ! You wanna come to
the Karaoke Happy Hour with us ?

I can't I've got responsibilities.

Come on, Dolores ! Everyone's gonna be there !

Well, back to the salt mine.

Rock star parking.

Lucky me.

- What's that ?
- A Mustang.

Temps must be doing really
well on this new economy.

You steal it ?

Not exactly.

Did you buy it ?

Not exactly.

How did you get it exactly ?

I think I was supposed to get it.

That whole balance thing.

I had a really bad day, Rube.

I think I was supposed to get it.

Okay.

I've seen this kid today, this morning,

who was picked.

19 years old.

Stole $17, was killed running away.

Not a bad guy,
never stole anything in his life.

Just hungry.

He's 19. you were 18.

What else did it say about me ?

On the list before you wrote
my name on that post-it.

It said that you did not
have a driver's license.

And you didn't get that car
because someone stole your bike.

What happened today ?

My parents are getting a divorce.

Looking to blame someone for that ?

I don't know.

Sweetheart...

My experience...

Death of a child doesn't kill a marriage.

Sometimes it gives it an overdue barrier but

you can blame yourself if you want to.

That young lady would be unfair.

See you tomorrow ?

Do me a favor.

Bring my friend a bowl of chocolate ice cream.

Tonight, somewhere else,

maybe there's a different
girl who's dodging a bullet

or stepping out of the
path of a speeding train.

A girl who's lucky.

I don't know...

I figured that since I had a pretty
harsh stretch of bad luck when I was 18,

you know, the whole toilet seat falling from
the sky and incinerating me kind of bad luck,

I figured it would be reasonable to expect
a change of fortune on the other side.

Why shouldn't I get the books to balance ?

Why shouldn't I make things add up ?

I'm tired of playing by the rules.

I wanna be bad.

I wanna have fun.

I want to keep stealing back pieces
from where my life used to be.

I'm just like everyone else.

And I'm ready to even the score.