Dead Like Me (2003–2004): Season 2, Episode 13 - Last Call - full transcript

When I was alive,

I never bought the whole straighten-up and fly-right routine.

I hated being told what to do,

so it's pretty strange

that now my job is to give everyone else their marching orders.

Sure, I wanted to be a superhero when I was a kid,

but only the guy superheroes got cool costumes--

massive capes and scary masks and stuff.

All wonderwoman got were hooker boots and a bathing suit.

What the fuck was that about?

My mom's a whore, my dad likes porn



my mom's a whore, my dad likes porn

my sister blows my brother's horn

my sister blows my brother's horn

Ah, the gentle art of poetry.

All right, let's go.

Move it, move it!

Let's go, move it!

Hit that wall, up and over, up and over.

Do you want to fly with the brotherhood of the eagles,

or do you want to slither with the worms?

Sir, I want to fly with the eagles, sir.

Then let me see you get up and over that wall, cadet. Now!

Sir, I have to go to the bathroom, sir.

I'll bet you do, Monteleone.



The idea of that wall is scaring the piss out of you.

No, sir. No fear, sir.

We've never had a girl scale that wall before, Monteleone,

I'm sure we never will.

Sir, I will scale the wall, sir!

You show these boys you mean business.

Dismissed!

Knock it off, ladies.

I'm not scared of heights.

I just have to catch my breath.

I'm going to be the first girl over that wall.

Even if it kills you, huh?

Who the hell are you?

I'm just... taking a tour.

I think I might want to enlist.

You don't enlist, you enroll.

Anyway, you should.

It changed my life.

You have no idea.

Permission to kick some ass now, sir!

She's feisty, that one.

I'm kind of rooting for her.

Move it, girly. Up and over that wall now. Move it, move it. Move it!

Come on.

Here we go, you can do it.

Ouch.

Come on, pick yourself up. Let's go.

You can do it.

I knew you could do it.

Whoo!

Wow, good for you.

First girl on top of this wall!

And... not so good.

Did you kill me?

No, I took your soul before you died.

Think of me as one of death's little lieutenants.

- So, you're dead too?
- Dead and buried.

So how did you end up here? You burn your parents' house down?

I had to ace four tests to get in here. I was selected.

Well, I was selected, too.

Why?

I don't know.

So, do you have any superpowers? Can you fly?

No.

No flying, no leaping of buildings...

no climbing walls.

But we can drink as much tequila as we want without getting hung over.

That's pretty cool.

All right, one more time. What's the story?

I broke up with Ray. That's our story.

But I hit him on the head with a blunt object.

Yeah, our story is, I dumped him.

I dumped him, in your backyard, in a shallow grave.

Is that what you want me to tell Rube? Fine.

When you have to lie, you have to remember shit,

and I really, really hate remembering shit.

The key to successful lying is telling a simple yet elegant story, all right?

It's like a little black dress-- short, simple, classic, unforgettable.

Mm... bowling!

I'll say I went bowling at the weekend when I was meant to be killing Ray.

That is neither simple nor elegant.

All right, this is not a joke. You killed a man.

It was self-defense.

The first blow to the head was self-defense.

The three other blows after that was probably a little bit murderous, but--

Are you trying to be funny?

Yeah. No. I don't know. Sure. Why not?

I haven't slept a wink since it happened.

I am totally on edge, my nerves are totally fried.

Oh my god, why didn't you say something earlier?

I reaped this junkie housewife last week, and I hit the motherlode. Look.

Diazepam,

lorazapam...

this is a gorilla tranquilizer that will be really fabulous.

Mason! I don't want to be numb right now. We need to deal with this.

Coffee?

Yes, please, and keep it coming, Kiffany.

Hello, Kiffany.

Did you have a good weekend? I had a brilliant weekend. I went bowling.

I'm a big bowler, I am. A great bowler.

I was rolling, I was throwing,

pins were flying everywhere, everywhere they were.

I threw a... I bowled a 360.

Good for you.

You've wound me up now.

You're going. Please don't go.

Don't be clingy, it's unattractive. I'm going to powder my nose.

- Good morning.
- Yes, it is.

Oh, dad, ew.

How are your pancakes?

I should have gotten waffles.

Reggie, don't drink coffee.

I like it.

Mom lets me.

You know who used to really love coffee?

Two sugars and a little milk.

You sure you're going to be okay after school?

Yes.

I can call your mom, have her come early--

Don't.

The baby sitter--

Alison alpert has been staying home alone since the fifth grade.

I should call your mom and ask.

She won't care, believe me.

Anything else for you today?

Just the check, please.

Okay. Thank you.

- Good morning.
- Good morning.

How's the coffee today?

A little weak.

Are you sitting or just standing guard?

We're moving.

You love this booth.

Well, call me crazy, I need a little natural light today.

Over by the window. Come on, march.

Where's Daisy?

I don't know.

How am I supposed to know that?

How am I to know everything?

I can't remember everything.

I can't remember anything.

How should I know? Back the fuck up, Roxy. Jesus fucking christ.

Where is she?

Bathroom.

You hitting the bottle already?

Coffee.

Irish?

I'm English.

So what's the deal with daisy and this Ray guy?

That dead and buried?

God damn it.

These are my favorite pants, my shirt...

What the fuck is the matter with you?

I'm terribly, terribly sorry.

Is that necessary?

Saliva has enzymes, breaks the shit down.

We're over here, we're over here.

That a girl.

How'd the early reap go, huh?

Good. Militant. Depressing.

Another young one?

Yeah. Strong and motivated.

Reaping a winner makes me feel like a loser.

I mean, I'm not a loser, I'm just...

you know... alone and dead.

Did anyone here ever serve in the military?

No, nobody here did.

I think Daisy serviced the army.

I don't care for that kind of joke.

You are that kind of joke.

And since when are you Daisy's defender?

Since always.

Where is daisy, anyway? She's in some serious, fucking trouble.

- She didn't do it.
- Do what?

She didn't do that what you said she did.

Well, somebody tracked mud in the house, and it wasn't me.

And a good morning to you all.

Yes, it's a jolly good day, isn't it?

Yeah.

Give her your chair.

What the jolly hell is up with you two?

All right, that's enough. I was bowling, all weekend.

I'm in a bowling league. Did you know that?

I'm a bowling league, and you can ask my fucking friend, Lester.

Why would I do that?

For you...

You.

And for you.

The post-it is purple.

I have multiples. What's that about?

Affirmative action.

Hardy-har-har.

You'd better hope coffee comes out of these pants.

These I value a little bit more than you, my friend.

My post-it is purple.

You're on my list, Mason.

What list? Wha-wha-wha-- what list?

My reap this morning asked me what I did on my last day on earth.

My answer was so fucking boring, I could have died...

again.

- Why, what was it?
- I filed.

Isn't that what you do now?

If I had known it was my last day on earth, I would have...

I have no idea.

Would you have gotten really drunk and high?

No.

I would've found that bitch that killed me, and I would have--

Killed her?

Punished her.

Big time.

I would've gotten engaged.

I always wanted someone to slip a pretty little diamond ring on my finger.

I've got a purple post-it.

Purple was my favorite color when I was a kid.

Purple is the color of royalty and extravagance.

Have you guys ever had a purple post-it? Have you guys--

Just ask Rube about it.

I will.

- Don't.
- I won't.

Daisy, you tracked mud in the house.

What were you doing that was so muddy?

Bowling!

I'll clean it up.

I'm leaving. Okay?

There's no milk left.

I've got a purple post-it.

Nothing lasts forever.

This was a lesson I learned over and over again...

At Happy Time,

at a temp agency, people definitely ncome and go.

In fact, most days, you can't swing a dead cat

without hitting a fucking goodbye party.

Another office farewell, Delores?

Yeah, can you believe Brian is leaving us already?

- Only the good go so quickly.
- You don't have to tell me.

Nice save, Millie.

Yeah, that could've been ugly.

Yeah, "the attack of the killer pinata."

Misty, can you get me my stepladder, pumpkin?

Pumpkin? She's your pumpkin?

Nice hustle, Misty.

Team player.

So, Millie, can you help me with the party prep?

I know it's not really your thing, but that bean dip isn't going to layer itself.

Delores, don't you think just a good hearty handshake

and "get out" would be good enough?

Millie...

Brian is hanging up his happy-time hat and riding off into the sunset,

and I expect the appropriate show of emotion.

I'm sorry, Delores.

I just can't get it up for every Tom, Dick and Brian who decide to move on.

Hey, that's not a very nice thing to say.

Well, if it makes a difference, I'm really going to miss you.

Uh... Misty, that's not Brian.

Oh... sorry.

Shame on you, Ron.

I'm Brian.

And I'm really going to miss you too, Misty.

Thank you.

Look, Millie, I really need your help.

I've got a lunch date, and I need

to get things ready quickly, so can you pretend to care?

What kind of lunch date?

His name is Lionel.

Smart, driven, types like a jackal.

Well, I'm really happy for you, Delores.

I just don't wt to look back one day and say "what if..."

No.

As in what if you went out to lunch one day and never came back?

It was almost enough to make you understand the stupid fuss over goodbye parties...

Almost.

Go, sea turtles!

Why am I here with you?

Hold this.

Oh, what, so I'm the coffee bloody table?

If I say so.

What is this, cricket, tennis, football?

Who are you people, folks?

We're sea turtles!

Sea turtles, yeah!

Fucking hell!

Give em a little rah, rah, rah while I reap, reap, reap.

Wait here.

Sea turtles freak me out.

Me too.

A friend of mine was swimming across this creek

and got his balls snapped off by a sea turtle.

Sea creatures don't swim in the creek. They swim in the sea.

Well, these are scary little fuckers, dude.

Devious.

The interesting part of that story

is that your friend got his nuts clamped

by a creature, a sea creature.

I drive better when I'm high.

I'll bet you do.

Bye.

Hey, you never told me went happened to Daisy and Ray.

Like, post-mortem.

Finished... ended, period.

I thought she was in love.

Go, sea turtles. Yeah, you kill them.

She dumped him.

Why?

She's secretly in love with me.

Now, that I do not follow.

Go, turtles.

Snap!

What do you want to do today? We're all alone.

You know what this means...

Rocky road, your favorite.

Reggie.

J.D, shh.

Reggie, can you open up?

- Hi, mrs. Henican.
- Hi. Call me Claire.

Why?

Because I asked you to, dear.

I didn't see your mom come home,

and I heard the music, and I just wondered if everything was all right.

She's visiting my grandma, and I'm allowed to be alone.

She'll be home tonight.

Oh, no. Should he be eating that?

Dogs don't do well with chocolate.

It's low-fat.

Sweetheart, I know how painful divorce can be,

so if you ever feel isolated, you knock on my door.

Just don't take my toilet seat.

Can you close the gate behind you so J.D. doesn't get out?

Are you sure you want to let him eat that? It's very bad for dogs.

Thanks for stopping by, Claire.

- What kind of food is this?
- Frontier.

I was up all night simmering these franks and beans.

Had a real scare with Murray and a teenie piece of weenie.

Had to heimlich the poor guy.

Crystal, how are the beans?

Great.

Brian...

Millie.

Brian, it's supposed to be a surprise. Get out.

Right.

Sorry, Delores.

I just wanted to say thank you.

You know, when I left pizza hut,

all they gave me was a small meat lover's supreme and my name tag.

This means so much to me.

Okay, I'm gonna...

- He's so full of shit.
- And why so cynical?

Because he's a turd.

What do you have against Brian?

Because when I first met him...

He... here's how he shook my hand. Pretend you're me.

Exactly.

Ever since then, I haven't trusted him.

And you know what they say about people with weak handshakes?

Small gloves?

Don't trust them.

You know what, Millie...

people have one chance to make a first impression and one chance to make a last.

The way we say goodbye to people matters.

People remember their last day,

and Brian is going to remember his, and you can be a part of it or not.

Clammy handshakes...

give me the fucking creeps.

Nice, Crystal.

Dry, strong, trustworthy, loyal.

What is on your hand? Motor oil? Peanut butter.

That is one filthy paw.

Come on, it's only blood, it's not like it's mine.

Kiffany, Kiffany, Kiffany, please read it.

No.

George says that you're a palm reader.

You know, she said that you're...

- Psychotic.
- I'm not psychic..

I think you are.

- I have tables.
- I'll give you 10 bucks.

You only have two in your pocket.

Wow. Is it my last day?

If I don't take care of my customers, it's going to be mine.

On your last day on Earth,

they say you'll see a crescent moon in the daylight.

You see a crescent moon?

All I see is the same old overcast sky.

Open up, police.

Roxy.

Don't do that.

To what do I owe the forced entry?

Police business.

That is quite an impressive guy you were seeing.

Fraud, assault, bad haircut.

Yeah, so he was a bad guy.

He's gone. Who cares?

The people at his job care. They reported him missing.

Well, then he's no longer a threat to me.

I never said he was.

I'm done with him.

If you don't mind, I'd like to catch up on my magazines, so...

Looks like dried blood.

We inherited this house from Mason,

and he inherited it from a dead woman, so...

that must have been where she died.

Yeah, maybe.

You leave it there long enough, it'll last forever.

That rug's been there a long time, Roxy.

Haven't we all?

See you around.

It's time.

Who would like to tell Brian there's a "package" for him?

I would.

I would love to tell Brian there's a package waiting for him to unwrap.

Millie... you tell him.

I don't know why I had such a big bug up my ass about Brian's farewell party.

Maybe it's because I was regretting my own last day.

Maybe it's because... he was stealing Delores' wallet.

- I was just looking for a pen.
- In Delores' wallet?

Look, a pterodactyl!

Please tell me I didn't just fall for that.

Man down!

Millie... what is going on?

Why don't you ask...

Brian!

She attacked me.

He was trying to steal your wallet.

No, no, I wasn't.

Have you ever heard the sound of a rib cracking, Brian?

- It sounds real cool.
- I stole it, I stole it.

Delores was trying to do something nice for you, and you took advantage of her.

I'm diabetic.

So the hell what?

I don't know.

- May I do the honors, Delores?
- Please, but watch the language.

Get the f out before I kick your f-in' a again.

You know, Delores, you think you know someone...

I know.

I had no idea he was a diabetic.

I would have gotten him a special cake.

Mom is going to be so pissed.

Yeah, too much ice cream.

Oh! J.D!

Oh, I'm going to be in so much trouble.

Come on, you're going outside. Now.

How much?

I'm not going to let that go for any less than $20.

That's sentimental value, that is.

It really is, it means a lot to me.

All right, $15...

Bloody hell, you drive a hard bargain... $10, hand it over.

And smile once in a while.

Come on, you lovely people, get your bargains, everything must go.

- Hello, father.
- Hello.

How much for the incense burner?

For you, father, that incense burner... $5.00.

May the lord bake with you.

- Would you bless me?
- I don't think so.

That seems fair.

- Excuse me...
- Coming, madame.

Hello.

So, what are these holes?

Oh, is a really, really bloody funny story, right...

They're actually gunshot wounds, and...

Actually, that's really sad.

I've got a really good deal for you.

I'm going to give you all this set for $50.

And...bargain of the century, I'm going to throw in...

Ta-dah! The kitchen guillotine.

Now, it slices, it dices,

it'll cut your bloody hand off it will, yeah?

No?

Come on.

If it makes you feel any better,

this bloke who was murdered on this mattress was really lovely, he was.

What is this? What are you doing?

Uh, having a lawn sale.

It's my lawn.

Since when was it illegal to have a lawn sale on somebody else's lawn?

Since forever.

Really?

I'll give you the whole lot for $250.

I am calling the police.

I don't need this shit.

Well, cake looked good.

What kind was it?

German chocolate.

- They had coconut in Dodge City?
- I'm on a budget, Millie.

And german chocolate is more than that diabetic p-r-i-c-k deserved.

At least he didn't get the money.

It's not about the money.

It just wasn't the goodbye that I had in mind

when Murray and I we up slaving over this frosting last night.

One of these days,

I'm going to bake a cake with your name on it.

Oh... I don't know.

I can't bear to think about it.

I was beginning to understand why we mark every coming and going with a party.

We do it to sugar coat the whole moving on thing.

I mean,

why say an actual goodbye to someone when it's so much easier to just eat cake?

Hello.

What are you doing here? And how did you get cake?

Crystal.

Hello.

Why are you here?

I came to see your lovely face.

I have work to do, Mason. What do you need, money?

Of course, I need money, but that's not why I'm here.

For what? Drugs? Booze? Drugs and booze?

No, actually, I want--

Seriously, Mason, you're not supposed to be here, so... go away!

God.

Actually, you know what? I'm going to stay.

And I want to say something to you, and you've got to listen... please.

You know, this morning, when you said you spend your last day on earth,

your very, very last day on earth... stapling?

Filing.

My god, that's even worse.

You said you regretted it, didn't you?

Yeah, of course. Who gives a shit?

By god, I give a shit.

Rube tells us to be on the periphery, to keep away from... things.

Keep our distance from...

life...

our families.

Yeah?

God, it's nonsense.

You get close.

You get close to everybody that ever meant anything to you.

Have you been drinking?

Of course, I've bloody been drinking.

And it's last call.

You've got to...

you've got to drink up while you still can.

I really love you, Georgie.

It's going to be all right.

Come on, go for a ride.

I don't exactly know what Mason was talking about,

why he said I should get close to people...

why he told me he loved me...

maybe it was just the booze talking--

"in vino veritas."

I just knew it was time to check in with my old life.

J.D.

I knew it was time to go home.

Where are you?

Here, boy.

It's time to come home.

I'm not here.

Well, that's strange, because I can hear your voice, my darling.

You can't hear me. You're hearing voices in your head.

That, my dear, is so bloody true it's scary.

Not today, Mason.

Today is the day it has to be, I'm afraid.

Can I have a drink? Thanks.

Roxy knows about Ray.

Shit. How the hell does she know?

Well, she's smart.

I think she knows something.

I think someone knows something.

I don't bloody care. The deed is done.

You should care, Mason.

It was a death without a post-it.

We've let loose some kind of evil.

All right, Daisy.

Look at me.

I did it.

And you didn't.

Well, someone's going to pay.

You are so beautiful to look at.

And unlucky to know.

- That's an engagement ring.
- Yeah.

You wanted one, so I got it for you.

You wanted to put it on your little finger on your last day, so...

here it is.

Are you trying to humiliate me?

No.

Never.

This is a token, Daisy,

it is a token from me, from my heart.

To you. You.

There's something permanent in this bloody world.

Mason, I'm not this girl.

I won't fall in love.

I won't get married.

I won't grow old with someone.

Not with you or anyone.

So I don't want your ring.

And I will never, ever take it back.

Please go.

J.D.

I would never grow up,

and I would never get old,

but my sister...

she was changing--

growing taller, moving on--

and it was kind of comforting.

Death may have found me,

but she seemed okay.

Hey, Charlie.

Toilet-seat girl.

Funny.

What are you doing here?

You know...

my job.

No.

Look, I'll give you money.

Come on, kid, what do you want? You can't do this.

Too late.

J.D.

I shouldn't have come here.

This was all my fault.

Well, this is it then.

My dog died.

You don't have a dog.

My family's dog died.

You don't have a family.

Shut up, daisy.

It's just, um...

it's that kind of day. So your dog died.

I don't even know why I went back home.

Because Mason told me to.

You shouldn't listen to Mason. Mason doesn't know anything.

It's all my fault.

I don't think it is.

Well, then, whose fault is it?

Probably mine.

What is that?

Go away. Ray, go away!

Daisy, why is there a graveling?

Mason killed Ray.

So Mason had his post-it?

No one had a post-it. There was no post-it.

And bad things have been happening today, and it's all my fault.

So I'm sorry about your dog, babe. It's my fault.

What can I do for you, sweetie?

Nothing.

How about some ice cream?

No. I want mom.

She'll be back soon.

She's gonna kill me.

No one's killing anyone.

It's not your fault, sweetie.

It's Claire's fault.

Claire from next door?

She left the gate open.

I'm gonna kill her.

Hey there, stranger.

Hello.

Can I interest you in the catch of the day?

No thank you.

But this smells good, though, whatever this is.

Well, have a seat.

I've got lots of room, I've got lots of food.

It's the second rule of backpacking,

that you always bring enough for a friend.

What's the first rule?

That you make a friend.

I'm Bret Tanenbaum.

I'm Mason. Very nice to meet you.

Well, Mason, the house specialty tonight is chicken noodle soup, and...

well, that's it.

Looks good.

Are you coming or are you going?

I'm not sure.

Yeah.

Sometimes, all this beauty does that to me, too.

The great outdoors has a way of scrambling your brain.

Bret, I've done most of my brain scrambling indoors, actually.

Are you scared of wild animals?

No.

I'm not really scared of anything.

You should be.

Mm. Delicious.

No. Thank you.

Oh, lovely.

So you're not scared of anything?

Well, I won't go swimming once it's dark.

That's kind of spooky.

Yeah, spooky, man.

Spooky...

What if I were to tell you this was your last day on Earth?

What would you say?

Well, I would say that that's a very strange question.

What would you say?

Well, I would say that I would sit under the wide open sky,

and I would fish, and

I would go for a swim before it got dark,

which is exactly what I'm doing today.

It's your last day on Earth.

Do you want to tell me what the hell you're talking about?

It's my last day, too.

What can I get you this evening?

- I'll have a scotch?
- Wish I could, sweetheart.

Coffee then, please.

I don't know how you do it.

- Do what?
- Your job.

The scrawny one?

He committed a lewd act today.

On who?

A perfectly innocent coconut cake.

I'll take care of it.

Well, you know what they say.

You don't get to pick your family.

No.

There's your first initial, your last name,

the place, and the time. That's all we get.

That's not a lot to go on.

No, it isn't.

I don't know if there's a way of pointing things out quite simply.

Because a purple post-it note tells me I'm going to die.

No, I'm sorry, I can't believe that.

I do not understand this, but they're not usually purple.

This is the first one I've ever seen. They're usually yellow.

And what do you think that means?

Fucked if I know.

But one thing I'm pretty sure of is that you're going to die tonight,

and I'm so sorry.

So how am I going to die?

Wild animals, hunter... bad aim.

I mean how am I going to die?

With grace, I suspect.

What did you just do?

Whatever happens to you tonight, mate,

you will not feel a thing, so don't be afraid.

I'm not afraid.

I just don't know what to hope for.

Hope for another shot at it.

A chance to do it all fucking unafraid.

I'm going to go for a swim.

So what's the deal with this guy? You think he's gone?

He's gone. Trust me.

I do not mind saying that I did not like this guy.

I'm thinking you'll never have to see him again.

- Never have to see who again?
- Ray.

- He was last seen in Portland.
- Portland?

So you're off the hook, aren't you, Daisy?

- What does that mean?
- No more Ray to worry about.

Yeah, that's right. No more Ray.

Morning.

Why the face?

Leave me alone.

Her family dog died.

- Oh, I'm sorry.
- Thanks.

Well I'd ask you how you know that but--

But you won't.

Well, maybe I'll ask you tomorrow.

Tomorrow.

Well you look like you're at death's door.

- How'd your reap go?
- Swimmingly.

Lake...

lightning...

man...

gone in an instant.

Better him than you.

- Do you really think so?
- I do.

I've got a question to ask you.

Shoot.

You gave me a purple post-it.

That's not a question.

Why did you give me a purple post-it?

They were out of yellow at office hut.

For you.

You.

You.

Have fun, kiddies.

You should thank Roxy.

- Really? Why?
- Just thank her.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

Would you give me a ride to my reap?

Sure.

But you have to sit in the back.

Okay.

I'll talk to you.

Could you buy me a coffee, please? I've got no money.

I haven't got anything.

No problem.

I have nowhere to stay...

No problem.

I have no idea how long I'll be staying.

I know.

So maybe we don't know what the exact sign will be that tells us we're moving on,

but there will be a last reap.

"Stop noticing," that's what Rube says.

That's how you survive.

But Mason's right,

what Rube says is bullshit.

You should get close to everything you care about.

Things come and go,

people come and go...

and maybe some of us learn to stop caring about it.

But I keep reaching out, even though my hand keeps getting slapped away.

When my sister was little,

she used to close her eyes every time she wanted to hide.

She thought that made her disappear.

When you get older,

you learn that closing your eyes just makes it darker.

You have to face everything,

even death,

if you want to grow up.

Hello, mr. Frog.