Dead Head (1986–…): Season 1, Episode 4 - The Patriot - full transcript

(Eddie) 'Treachery from all of 'em.

'I found tears
streaming down my face.

"'OK"' I thought, "Beware.
"'Beware anyone who touched you.

"'Beware a smile, a kiss.

"'They're all traitors,
sent by the man to betray you."'

The government gave me an hat box,
what, with an head in it?

Anything for England.

'OK, fine.

'Great. An end to grief.

'Caractacus, Jill, Dana.

'Best friend, wife.

'All creatures.
I got it into my head at last.

'Treachery makes the world go round.

'Suddenly for me everyone alive

'was a bent copper with a gun.'

Judas time.

'A Scotland Yard spokesman
said that Christian Belloy,

'known as Caractacus
in London's underworld,

'was found dead in Birmingham.

'Belloy left a suicide note

'confessing to the brutal
sexual killing of Mary Campbell, 20.

'What are they doing?
What is this?

'Whose life is in whose hands?
Who's doing what to whom?

'In particular, to me?

'Why are they panicking?
Why are they coming out the walls?'

Who can one trust these days?

Who can you trust these days?

'And that horrible thought
came to me.'

They don't know what they're doing!

- (woman) 'Capital Radio.'
- Hello, Capital?

- 'Capital Radio, can I help you?'
- I want to go on a phone-in.

'Just hold the line, please.'


(DJ) 'Late Night Call.
What do you want to ask?'

- This headless murder.
- 'Yeah?'

- I didn't do it.
- 'Yeah.'

- But they said I did.
- 'Yeah...'

Well, I was there when they shot
the bloke they said did do it.

'So what question
do you want to ask?'

Well, I just want to tell someone.

'The calls have piled up tonight.

'Do you think you could call again,
perhaps tomorrow?'

(Line goes dead)

I want to tell the editor
about my life!

- First one tonight.
- What about the crime desk?

All right, son.
Off you go, back to the pub.

Fight there, in front of my eyes.
They did it, see?

So I want to make a complaint.

Look, why don't you want
to arrest me?

- Why have you stopped going for me?
- All right, on your way.

Oh, no!

Hold that.

Did he give you a name?
Was it Eldridge?

- No name.
- Did he give you a phone number?

Yeah, a London number.

- 727-1296.
- Address?

'That number, what was it?

'Oh, God, why wasn't I any good
at maths at school?

'I could never hold a number.'

- 727-1296.
- Address?

727 what?


God! 727 what?

This house, 13...

Shut your mouth!

Phone book.

Get me a phone book!
I want a phone book!



Get your possessions at the desk
and get out.

What? You're not going
to do me for assault?


Make a phone call, did you?
Someone tell you, "Kick him out"?

Now look, this is the beginning
of a long night.

Not me, mate. Not me.

Look, you are just one more loony.

Now, if we took you seriously,
you'd be dog meat by now.

727, 727...

727 something,
house number 13.

Something, something, something.

Lucky numbers, lucky numbers.

(Phone rings)

(woman) 'Hello? Hello?

- 'Is that you, Martin?'
- 727... Something 13...

House number 13.

Oh, look at this.
Come on, come on!


I'm looking up a number, all right?

All right?

'AG Cranmer,

'13 Holland Park Crescent.'

One night,

two clever little Indians stay up
after the fires are out.

So they decided to blame
the murders on somebody else.

Totem pole.

Two little Indians.


Who are you?

'Loony in the park.

'Counted the houses along.

'Five, seven...


'Built like prisons
when you see 'em from the back.

'Alarms, TV cameras.

'But not to keep them in.

'To keep loonies like me out.


'I was so tired, I'd gone right
through it, out the other side.

'I felt like I was walking on water.

'Any moment I could just sort of bend
my legs in a certain way and fly,

'fly away.


(Clanging of machinery)

(♪ Drifters: "Love Potion Number 9")

Out, toerag!


(Music stops)

- Out, toerag!
- You what?

This is a bust.
I'm your evil fairy grandmother.

This coach is cool. I made it legal.

It's MOT'd.

Out, out!

Let me get my clothes, then!

I've got a lot of mates.
There's a lot of us on the road.

- And they'll screw you!
- On your bike!


- What a hard man!
- What's your rank?

- How do you mean?
- Don't give me that!

Rank? Are you in the army
or something?

- My boyfriend's in the army.
- That toerag?

- Not him.
- What is he, then?

Oh, he's just... you know.

Actually, you'd better think over
what he said. He has a lot of friends.

And hippies aren't what they were
in the ''60s, love and flowers.

This lot are vicious little rats.

What were you doing
with him, then?


And, you know, they give us stuff.

- For our lot.
- Lot?

Set, I think they used to say.

Tell me about your set.

Some of them are quite brilliant,
you'd be surprised.

- What, MI5?
- Don't know about that.

How does anyone know
what anyone is?

- Where you live, that house...
- What do you mean?

13 Holland Park Crescent.

- How do you know my address?
- Come on, you're one of them.

You must never go there.
Never ever ever. Daddy will kill me.

What's his name, your dad?

- You don't know?
- Eldridge?

No, Lord Cranmer.

Oh, yeah?

I mean, Daddy bought the house
as his second pied-á-terre.

And he lets me stay there as long
as I don't bring anything back with me.

- Anything?
- You know, anyone.

Oh, fool about, do you?
Like with the toerag?

I get bored a lot.


See how this bores you,
brown eyes.

'Told her what they'd done to me.

"Am I going to be condemned,

"'telling this, all my life, to that look,

"'eyes going down
in a face I can't read,

"'in a country I can't understand,

"'on some kind of quest,
I didn't know what for?"'

So, tell me you don't believe me.

Didn't you see the papers
this morning?


God let it not be Dana.


'Again. He's done it again.'

God, I hope it's not Dana.

Where's this daddy of yours? Where?

Away, in the country.

Fight. Over here.

Bored are you, darling? Fight.

- Where?
- House party.

Off we go.

Say I believe you, then?

You believe me?

Wouldn't it be fun
if daddy was mixed up in this?


Wouldn't it be fun, actually,

if daddy was the man?

Oh, yeah?
What is it with your dad?

- Hate his guts, do you?
- No.


Whatever passes the time.

What's getting at people?
What's the matter with them?


It's just the end of the world.
Haven't you noticed?

Darling, we're... We're driving.

It's getting to everyone.

People are blowing up.

Oh, yeah?

All the time.

- Isn't this fun?
- Yeah.

- Do you want some smack?
- What?

The coach is packed with it.


- Does that mean yes?
- No.

It means, I don't know
about you at all.

Don't get boring, Eddie.

Whatever you do,
don't get boring and I'll be all right.

Oh. OK.

I'll try.


We better get moving.

Don't want some local bobby on a bike
following the bus.

Don't worry.

There's no one else alive out there.

- No?
- No.

The neutron bomb went off.

Didn't you notice?

Why are we still here, then?

We aren't.

We aren't.

Dear oh dear!

Let's get going.

Don't worry.

We're very near there now.

- You'll be all right here?
- Why not?

Not falling in love with me
or something, are you?

Neutron bombed out of me years ago.

Sorry... love.

I'll be all right.

'I should've known. Clive's place.

'Scene of my tortures,
the pleasure and the pain.'

(♪ Jazz playing indoors)

'Lords and masters,
lords and masters.'

(Laughter and conversation)

'And then I got lucky.

'There he was, bags of bonhomie,

'the genial host, Eldridge,

'smelling of scent.'

(Bells tolling)

Come on, you bastard.

Come on, come on.

(Clears throat)


Mr Eddie Cass.

Our bad penny.


(Quests laughing)


'On and on dragged him.
At last I'd got my hands on one.

'After all the dance they'd led me.

'He had teeth and he could choke.

'He was half pissed
and his bowels had gone.

'He was just flabby meat
and shit-scared.'

Please! Ahh!!


- Shh!
- Please, please.


Hmm? (Chuckles)

(Eldridge groans)

Why do you let me go all the time?
Why do you let me run?

- Sport.
- What?

- Good sport, old chap.
- You what?

(Horn blows)

We can't touch you, you see.

How do you mean?

Your lovely wife is your protector.

She... found out...
what we were up to.

Our... amusing... little... jaunt.

- Jaunt?
- The head in the river.

You were a good candidate.

There was a connection
between the girl,

your wife, to you.

It looked... lovely.

And then your Dana,
my dear Eddie,

became more and more favoured.

By the man?

So we who are but the lavatory cleaners
in this business

were thrown into disarray.

We, having set out to... to...

Traduce, that's the word.


- Yeah.
- ...traduce you,

had to... make you
a harmless nutter,

and find a new... candidate.


Hey, Eduardo, amigo.

Who is he, the man?

He's done it again, hasn't he?
Killed another girl.

Yes... yes.

- Heavy days at the office.
- What are you going to do about it?

The committee will meet again.

Brilliant men will be brilliant.

Young men and women
will go out into the country,

into the cities,
all will be maintained.

Bingo winners from the popular dailies
will be announced and paid on time.

The cricket team for next winter's tour
will be picked.

Who is he? The man?


Don't you know?

Can't you guess?

You want me to beat it out,
torture it out of you?

Who? Who?

Who are you all running about
all over England for?

- Pussy cat...
- What?

Pussy cat... where?








God, you zombies! Zombies!

(Engine starts)

Where is he?

This miracle boyfriend
who's going to help us?

I told you, he said he'd be here.

I told you.
I phoned him back in the village.

If Teddy Bear said
he'd be here, he will be.

Teddy Bear!

Hello, there, old chap.

Been keeping Angie warm for me,
have you?

She tells me your charabanc here

is loaded to the seams
with lovely smack.

Teddy! Teddy!

(Shrieking laughter)

Teddy Bear! Oh!


Teddy! Teddy Bear!

Did this to the bloody sheep
in the Falklands, you know.

Isn't he marvellous?

Oh, God!

So if what you say is so,

then there's a big man,
looked up to in public,

probably on TV all the time,

and a rather nasty nest of minders

who seem to be running their own
organisation to look after him,

procure him women and then cover up
when he goes ape over said women.

- Yeah.
- Disgusting.

You know, the army in this country

has absolutely nothing
to do with politics.

Unless it's doing the Micks over
or the Wogs,

or the Loony Left
if they should get so bold,

but basically the army is
absolutely above politics all together.

Have some meat.

Tell you what, what if we sprinkle
some of that smack over it?

A kind of marinade?

Not for me, eh?

This is raw!

That's the point of field cooking.
Toughens you up.

What you tell me sounds like something
terrible right in the body politic.

I tell you what, I've got
a few friends in army intelligence.

I'll see if they have a whiff of this.
May put them onto it.

Give me two days.
Then we'll rendezvous.

See what we can do.

Mm, good stuff.


Say, how much of this
can I take off you?

There's a terrible famine in the regiment
right now for stuff of this quality.

Have it all. I mean...

- Got to look after our heroes.
- What?

Oh, yes. Two days.

'Two days later, Glasgow,

'where the first girl came from.

'The great rotting city
of the north, Glasgow.'

- Why here? There's nothing here.
- The army can go anywhere.

Well, Teddy said that they can.


Jesus Christ!

He's nicked a tank!

- He always wanted to.
- Bloody cavalry, eh?



Yeah, very...
Yes, very funny, yeah.

Look, er...

Are you in there?

Yeah, yeah, just cut that out,
all right?

Look, fair's fair, mate.

- (Laughing)
- Yeah, very amusing.

Look, are you in there?


You are a traitor.

Teddy, what fun!

You are an Argie,
Mick, Wog, leftie traitor!

(♪ Handel:
"Music For The Royal Fireworks")

They got all the guns.


They've even got tanks.


'Black cars, houses, fields,

'barbed wire, cameras on walls.'

Cameras everywhere.

'In trees.'

In the trees.

'They can pick us off, any time.'

Cut of four heads. Off with my head!

'Citizens Theatre.

'Dangerous corner.



Da... Dana?

Dana! Dana!

Dana? Dana!

Stop, it's me!

Darling? Hey, Dana...


(Car drives off



Come on. In here.


- Love nest?
- No.

I try and get these places
when he moves about, you know.

To get away.

They know about it, perhaps,

but they let me do it
for a bit of a home.

Want some shampoo?

He's in Glasgow,

opening something, quite a lot.

You know, big deals.


I've had this hidey-hole.

Off and on.

- Who is he?
- Yeah, always opening things up here.

Suppose cos the city's
such a shit heap.

Innit terrible, the unemployment?
What do you think should be done?

What you talking about?

Who is the bastard?

Tell me. I'll kill him for you.

I want to tell you.

I will, but...

But I got to go now.

Come back tonight.

- Yeah, Eddie?
- No.

No, you stay where you are.

- You don't realise...
- I'll bash his name out of you!

You can't hurt me, compared to him.

Do you want to see
the skin on my back?


But the unemployment is so bad.
What is your solution?

Come here.



- You fixed this shampoo, didn't you?
- Oh, Eddie!

Come back tonight. I'll tell you.

- You won't.
- I will.

I will an' all.

(Eddie groans)






Mr Cass, would you allow me
to intrude for a moment?


Mr Cass, it would be
very much to your advantage

if you would allow me
to intrude for a moment.


No, Mr Cass.
You understand nothing.

I am not the man you seek.

The sad, desperate,
dear man whose...

...terrible misfortunes
you have become embroiled within.


His misfortunes?

With that thing in there,
he's got misfortunes?

Indeed he has.

We who are close to him
look upon it as a curse.

But he will be cured.
We hope and pray so.

And that this young lady's death
will be the last.

- There is hope.
- Hope?

And now I am going
to tell you his name.

(Inaudible whisper)



I see.



I mean, of course, in that case...

I know you're a patriotic man.

For reasons of state,
of national security,

I trust that you can be counted on.

Of course.

Queen and country.

'Queen and country.

'In the end, you got to make
a stand against 'em.

'You got to say,
"Yeah, well, when it comes down to it,

"'and the police and the army
are coming for you,

"'and the barricades
are up in your street,

"'where do you stand?

"'Whose side are you on when
bloody England goes on the blink?"

'The world's simple, really.

'In the end,
you got to take sides.

'You got to do
what you got to do.

'I did.'

(Crashing waves)



Appealed to my patriotism,
didn't they?

So that was the end of my quest.

I never did find out
who the girl,

the head in the hat box,
who she were.

Thank God it weren't Dana.

She's here with me now.

- Hello.
- Dana does the accounts,

- the hotel books, don't you?
- Yeah, I do.

Oh, yeah, Her Majesty's
Government did us well.

Here we are in the Bahamas,
nice little hotel.

- Luxuriously appointed.
- It is.

- Panoramic vistas.
- Lovely.

Quarter of a million,
nice little nest egg.

I'd do anything for my country.

Know what I mean?

Bye. Bye-bye.

Give them a wave, doll.

- Bye.
- Bye.



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