De Viaje Con Los Derbez (2019–…): Season 2, Episode 1 - ¡Listo! - full transcript

I know, I know. Traveling with
the family is a crazy idea.

Especially with everything
that's happening now.

On our last trip to Morocco,
we were eight.

That's a lot of people.

A very chaotic trip
that opened up a Pandora's box.

Shit!

- Wait!
- Pigeon poop just landed on me.

No!

It's pooping! Take your hand off!
It pooped on her hand.

There was a lot of friction.

And after that trip, well...



there were a few unexpected changes
in the family.

Aislinn and Mauricio separated
a few months later.

So, this season, instead of eight...

FAMILY
ON VACATION

...we lost a member, Mauricio.

So, now we're seven.

But Kailani is a little young to travel.

So we're just six now.

So, to compensate,

since we're going on a road trip,

I raised the number to seven
by bringing Fiona.

Now, we're seven again.

But...

THREE DAYS BEFORE THE TRIP



STEPHANIE BLOCH CHAMBERS
EXECUTIVE PRODUCER

KATY WALLIN
EXECUTIVE PRODUCER

Unfortunately, we're back to being six.

Hello.

- Hi!
- Hey, Vad!

- How are you?
- Hi!

How are you all doing?

Good. I told everyone a while ago

that you tested positive for Coronavirus.

I just wanted to do
a family Zoom to talk about it.

To hear what everyone thinks,
and what the plan is.

First, how are you? How are you feeling?

I didn't want to get out of bed,
I didn't feel like doing anything.

You've had COVID for years, then.

Just like when you're hungover. Like that.

Sounds a lot like my Sundays.

It's not cool,
because we agreed to go on this trip,

we agreed to be careful, and you weren't.

While we were all being careful,
you were partying.

You went to the beach, you went out,
doing what you weren't supposed to do.

I knew it, I told Ale.

"If COVID really exists,
there's no way he won't catch it."

And so, here we are.

Do you think you caught it through saliva?

Or sexually? They say
it's easier to catch it naked.

I don't know, José Eduardo,
tell us about it.

He wasn't naked, he had a face mask on.

- Exactly. It wasn't a mask, it was--
- A loincloth.

And they told him, "Sir. You dropped
your face mask. Put it on your mouth!

"It is way too low."

I'm really going to miss you.

I'm bummed, I really wanted
to be with you guys.

I'll say this so Dad feels smug...
It wasn't worth it at all.

I miss you, Dad.

For God's sake.

I miss you too,
but you brought this upon yourself.

How did you feel when they told you
you were positive?

The first thing
I thought about was you guys,

and Dad. His "I told you so."

That damned "I told you so."

Okay, son. Love you.

Love you, too.

- We love you!
- Bye.

TRAVELING WITH THE DERBEZES

This is the first time we've been together
in months, due to the quarantine.

The first time my older kids are single.

Including Fiona.

The first time we'll be traveling
through the American Northwest.

With its gorgeous open spaces,

like Idaho and its famous Rocky Mountains.

Wyoming, with national parks
such as Yellowstone.

And Montana, with its famous Glacier Park.

Let's go!

It's the first time
we'll be traveling exclusively by car

and by RV.

Together all the time,

in a vehicle, 24 hours a day,
seven days a week.

Come on! Get up!

- Be careful.
- What happened?

Fuck!

I don't think this will work.

Oh, well...

Because of COVID, we're not flying,
we won't visit big cities,

or overcrowded markets, like in Morocco.

Just us, and the most spectacular
national parks in the US.

And some bugs, bears,
maybe wolves, and the road.

Finally!

We'll build campfires.

How long has it been
since we shared a bed?

Are you scared?

We'll meet some strange people.

- A little.
- A little?

What a shame.

We'll see how brave these kids are.

Dad, if I die, call my mom.

Not even if you die.

Oh, shit!

And we'll be one with nature.

- How about that?
- Go, team!

Go, Scorpions!

As long as someone doesn't break a leg,

or we end up being devoured
by those animals I mentioned.

Wish us luck.

RENTED HOUSE
BOISE, IDAHO

Here we go again, family.

Are you ready?

I'm ready.

Are you?

I'm not sure.

Ready, let's go!

- Yay!
- Go, team.

I can't believe it.

Here we go again.

Let's go.

I'd help you, Ale,
but the wine's more important.

He really goes overboard.

I'm realizing José Eduardo
is crazier than I thought.

I mean, he's terrified of germs.

Terrified of germs.

I think he's a little...

The truth is I'm really excited,

but embarrassed to travel
with José Eduardo like that.

- It was necessary.
- How is it necessary?

- You looked like a Ghostbuster.
- No, but...

- I looked like--
- Ghostbusters!

What are they called?
Like I was fumigating.

You looked like
an exterminator. Ridiculous.

I mean, face it, you did.

Mine should go first, it's the smallest.

It's just that...

José Eduardo, did you seriously
bring that suitcase?

You're gonna carry that around?

When you get sick
because you didn't wear this,

or when you want to borrow something,

- you'll be crying.
- What would we possibly borrow?

We told you we're going camping.
Just one small suitcase.

It's difficult, because I have
two suitcases.

You bring the biggest and heaviest bags,

and you don't help us carry them.

No! How chivalrous of you!

Who put a soccer ball in my bag?

- No.
- Choose, the suitcase or you.

- It depends.
- Hey! Gentleman!

Gentleman!

Honey, I'm trying to figure this out.

I'm loading things. I'm coming.

- What's with Fiona's bed?
- Don't throw it to the ground!

Put it in a cab.

I won't put it in a cab.

It's the first time in years
I see him lifting a suitcase.

Why are you holding the doll hostage?

She's tied to the suitcase by the neck...

- Tell them she's not being held hostage.
- It looks like it, though.

She just needs a newspaper.

What? It's a seatbelt.

The doll's turning purple.

I'd forgotten what traveling
with this family is like.

Whose bag is this one? It's also big.

- Your dad's, obviously.
- Must be Fiona's.

And Fiona.

What's with the men?
They bring the biggest bags.

I'm sharing mine with Fiona, that's why.

Fiona, Dad? She doesn't wear clothes.

- Exactly.
- What the hell?

She has toys, food, necessities.

And she's a female.

You're obsessed with Fiona.

It's an emotional, obsessive,
crazy love for Fiona.

I'm not obsessed with Fiona.

I'm not.

She weighs more...

- I know.
- More than you.

Finally!

José Eduardo will be
the first to catch the virus.

Shut your mouth!

Your paranoia will attract it.

Finally!

We're finally starting this trip.

Finally!

I have a surprise for you.

Your surprises are scary.

What kind of surprise?

We're picking up the RV.
They're gonna love it.

Adventure, danger.

- Oh, my God.
- No danger, please.

And then straight on to our first night

in a yurt!

It's like a big, round tent,

and we'll all sleep together in it.

Look at the cows, baby!

See? What do you think?

I want a steak.

- If you see...
- Oh, my God!

How can you see a living creature
and think about eating it?

You're sick.

- No.
- What's wrong with you?

I have a dairy cow

It's not an ordinary cow

She gives me sweet milk

What an amazing cow

- José Eduardo didn't sing.
- What?

I don't know the song!

Your grandma sang that song
with Pedro Infante.

SILVIA DERBEZ
"THEY SAY I'M A WOMANIZER"

She kills flies with her tail

I know, but I don't know the lyrics.

I only know my grandma drank milk.

What does that white part say?

What does that white part say?

What white part, baby?

That one!

Oh, it says, "Jesus loves me."

It means that Jesus loves you.

Who is Jesus and why does He love me?

"Who is Jesus and why does He love me?"

You'll experience sleeping with Fiona.

At night, she...

And my better half over here...

She pushes me.

- Of course.
- Fiona!

- She's your dog.
- She's like,

"She's your problem. Deal with her!"

Nearly snapped her fingers at me.

That's not true.

Who puts Aitana to bed every night?

- Me!
- Oh, my God!

- We both do.
- Please, no!

- Both.
- Don't lie!

- Both.
- No, Eugenio, no.

- Both of us.
- No!

At night?

Every single day, at all hours.

We're about to see the surprise.

Check out the surprise!

No way!

- What's that, honey?
- It's an RV!

Did you like the surprise?

- Yeah!
- I like these kind of surprises.

It's incredible. It's like a bus!

I'm happy and excited.

Let's see the RV!

We're all very excited.

I'm the most excited.

I love the idea of driving away.

And everyone was happy.

We went into the camper,
and it was like...

Now we're talking!

All right! You really outdid yourself!

Yeah, team, let's do it.

The RV in Morocco was...

this little compared to this one,
which is incredible.

It's cool, right?

- You did great! I like the decor.
- I like it.

Come, Fiona. Come.

I love it.

I want to set some rules.

- Here we go.
- Sit here.

No, wait.

My suggestion is,

if we can stop at a public restroom
to pee, we should do just that.

If it's an emergency, we can pee here.
But pooping?

No. No poop.

Same as in Morocco. Only Aitana can go.

Why Aitana and not us?

- Her poop is smaller.
- I haven't seen it.

The bathroom should be for everyone
or for no one.

Fair is fair.

I brought pens and paper.

I have a surprise for you at the yurt.

On a paper, we have to write down

what we no longer want.

What we want to let go,
what we want to get rid of.

You already did that!

No more divorces, please.
Maybe next season.

Next time, I might end up coming alone.

Or it's only you and me left.

- I mean...
- No, things that you want to change.

Things to let go, to put behind.

Just don't let anything go down
the toilet, use the public restroom.

On another paper, you'll write

your goals, what you want
to achieve this year.

- Okay?
- Bless you. Don't sneeze!

He didn't cover himself.

He sneezed on Fiona.

- She'll get sick.
- Hey, Fiona!

I thought she was in the bathroom.

See? You don't look after her.
I went to fetch her.

- He doesn't care about Aitana like that.
- He does.

I caught him twice.

You don't take care of Aitana.

- Like sisters.
- Do it!

You should live together.

I take care of her.

- That'd be cool.
- It'd be great.

Divorce him and we'll be roommates.

Come on, let's do it!

- Ready!
- Wait! The SUV!

- The SUV, our SUV!
- Oh, damn.

- Our bags! We have to tow it.
- Yes.

Great, we were forgetting the SUV.

- And our bags. Great.
- Thank God, you...

We nearly left the SUV
and our bags behind.

Sorry, but if it wasn't for me,

we would have left without the SUV.

You're welcome.

It's time to hit the road,

drive, and experience
new and strange places.

Who's my chubby girl?

Full of adventures, flies, spiders.

Yes, it'll be so cool.

He's not a good driver.

Your attitude is so different
from the time we were in Morocco.

- You're smiling, you look happy.
- Liberated!

- Liberated.
- Alive.

Empowered.

I was in a bad place in my life.

But that trip, in particular,

was a very difficult trip.

It was around the time I was suffering
from postpartum depression,

my hormones had gone to shit...

- And--
- Thus the Duchess spoke.

Because, you will agree that
on our last trip, my brothers had a blast,

and those with a partner and children
had a chaotic time.

- Exactly.
- I really wanted to know

how it would feel to travel--

Without a partner or kids.

No partner, no kids,
and see if I'm the problem.

I never thought I'd get divorced.

I never thought I'd come
on this family trip by myself,

without the baby or Mau.

It's been an interesting process
for both of us.

This separation was done
with lots of love, lots of respect.

But here I am, once again.

I hope this trip goes better
than the last one.

Dad, careful.

Watch out.

Can you slow down, please? Fuck!

I am going slow!
I told you to watch the stuff.

She's so...

I think we're here, family!

From this point,
the road to the yurt is very narrow.

We'll have to park the RV
and switch to the SUV.

Now what? An hour and a half on horseback,
a boat and we're there?

Idiot!

Finally!

I know we're only starting,
but there's no turning back now, right?

Let's go!

- Let's go!
- Scorpions!

Let's go!

I'm looking forward to bonding
even more with my family on this trip,

to doing more daring things, if I can...

Yeah!

I hope to avoid fights, problems,
yelling, conflict, risky situations,

I hope no old man
convinces me to do things.

Besides my dad.

Hey! What's your problem?

There's the yurt!

We are at the peak of the mountain.

Help me with Fiona, Aitana?

- Yes.
- It's beautiful.

This area is known
for being bear territory.

A bear could pop up at any time,

or a spider, or a skunk, or a porcupine,
even a rattlesnake, you know?

Are you worried about Aitana?

No, I'm worried about Fiona.

She's very vulnerable.

Take care of Fiona, baby.

Bringing a dog was a foolish decision.

It's like a little bear snack.

Fiona's not... the most agile dog.

A squirrel could catch her.
A wolf would obviously eat her.

For a wolf, she's like a little sausage.

Watch out! That one's yours.

- Oh, my God.
- Dad messed up. That one's tainted.

- It is.
- I can't believe it.

Watch it!

What?

No.

José Eduardo is like a posh lady.

No one's coming to get our bags?

I grew up in the city. Here,
in the US, there are many nice things,

wonderful, natural landscapes.

But I wouldn't trade
a five-star hotel in Vegas for it.

But I admit it, this is beautiful.

Okay, where are we going to sleep?

Follow me.

- We have to go all the way up?
- Yes.

If I fell in the middle of the forest,
in the wilderness, and I had to survive,

truthfully, my family and I...

we wouldn't survive.

This way!

Wait, Dad, you're way ahead of us.

I can't wait.

No one told me what the deal was.

If the air so much as touches Ale,
she's like...

"The air! The mosquito! The wind!"

José Eduardo is the same.
He's very delicate.

Hurry up, son!

Everything bothers him.
"The mosquito bit me, I'm itchy."

But I love nature.

We've arrived at the yurt!

That's where we'll sleep, Aitana!

In there?

Yes, in that little house.

So cool, Dad, it's amazing.

- It's cool, isn't it?
- Yeah.

I'd only seen it in pictures,
not in person.

No way, what a view!

- Look at the view.
- Amazing!

So exciting!

It actually smells like pine.

No way!

It's amazing.

So cool.

I'm very excited about this trip.

I think being by myself,

with my family, will be
very relaxing and liberating.

All right.

Is that the right combination?

Yes, just wait.

- Let me.
- A two and a five.

- All right. Knock yourself out.
- Three, four, two, what?

- Five. Two. Five.
- Five. Two. Five.

There it is. Take that!

- For God's sake.
- Open up your chakras now! Get in!

Step right up, ladies and gentleman.

- It's amazing!
- It's cool, isn't it?

It has everything, except a bathroom.

I forgot to warn you.

No, no.

There's no bathroom.

There's only one bathroom,
but not in here.

There's one outside. So, at night,

if anyone needs to pee, you must leave
the yurt, walk with a flashlight,

and do your business.

I'd stay here for a week. No problem.

Don't start.

- All right.
- It's better than staying in a house.

Glad you like it.

I'm going to the bathroom, break it in.
Let's go. Wanna see the bathroom?

- All right, let's go.
- To see how it works.

- Let's go.
- Don't take your shoes off.

I'll just put my cap on.

Let's go.

- Will you lock up?
- Yeah.

Let's see the bathroom.

What a lovely breeze.

We'll shoot the breeze.

Everything's very relaxed.

The place is beautiful,
the mountain is spectacular,

the view is lovely,
the smell of pine is just... delicious.

- This is the bathroom.
- Are there animals?

Yes, lots of flies. Yes.

But are there bears?

It's all good.

Except for the bathroom.

Fiona, come here, it's full of...

Of what?

Take a look.

- I'm good.
- Step back, honey.

What's wrong with you?

The yurt's bathroom...

I can't even describe it.

I can. It's a bathroom with a hole,

in which many people
have been shitting for years.

It doesn't have plumbing. It's a hole.

Like a cave.

But isn't shit
supposed to be biodegradable?

There's so much of it.
The earth assimilates it little by little.

There have been more tourists than...

It's pretty unpleasant.

I just opened it!

It's not my fault!

No way!

Come, honey.

Poor girl, she's spooked.

You even clenched your butt cheeks.

- She'll never go to the bathroom again.
- No way!

No way.

Eugenio, I begged you
for a decent bathroom. That's all I asked.

Honey, I don't build yurts.
I just rent them.

- You rent them?
- Didn't you ask about the bathroom?

Yes, they said it was outside,
they didn't say it was dirty.

That's the waste of God knows
how many folks that have pooped there.

It was--
It's so unpleasant to talk about this.

I mean, no.

No.

All right, I'll get the wipes
and clean it as best I can.

I won't sit there.

I have a solution.

I promise you that

I'll get rid of the flies
and clean up the poop.

You'll clean her poop?

Not hers! I meant the poop in the toilet.

- I imagined you--
- I'd rather clean hers

than the poop of people I don't know.

That's the most romantic thing you've said
in a while. You'd clean my poop.

I'd rather clean your shit than the shit
in the toilet, but I'll do it for you.

Thank you. That would be an act of love.

Maybe that's what love is.

- Let's chop some wood.
- You didn't bring the saw.

With an ax, not a saw.

- There she goes with the whistle.
- Grab this.

I've never done this.

Survival lesson number one.

How to chop firewood.

All right, go.

No, okay, go.

We'll come back later.

- Your turn, Aislinn.
- Go, Ais.

- Okay, on the first try.
- I softened it up for you.

Damn.

It won't come out.

It's done, right?

- I mean...
- What happened?

At this speed, we'll finish by Christmas.

We're not going to survive.

We're city folks.

Look, pay attention.

Like a piñata.

Look at what José Eduardo is going to do,

so you don't do it.

He's going to make a fool of himself.

And it's stuck.

Now, the second cut.

- All right.
- Like cutting a cake.

- There you go!
- There you go!

- There you go!
- I can live here now.

You surprised me.

- Your turn.
- Teach her how to do it.

- Come here.
- Look, I had an ax-cident.

- That was a good one.
- Good one.

Good one.

I brought my repertoire.

Just between us, José Eduardo is not
the only one with calluses on his hands.

Like that?

- All right.
- You went too far right.

- Damn.
- The wood's damp, Dad.

- Three more.
- You'll need 16 more to do it.

- When he gets stubborn...
- One.

Two. Three. Stop.

How embarrassing.

I expected more from you.

I expected something.

Not more.

You know what?
I think you're a great lumberjack.

- Oh, my God.
- Now do it naked.

I can't believe José Eduardo is
our only chance for survival in the woods.

- Take your clothes off.
- We have some already cut.

Look how cool this rock is.

Are you making fire using rocks?

Obviously, it won't work.

Maybe in five days...

We should wait
until it gets darker, right?

No, here it gets dark pretty late.

PLASTIC COCKROACH

- It gets dark around 9:00 p.m.
- Wait.

Wait!

My precious cockroaches.

Show me.

I'm showing a lot of restraint.
You have no idea.

Hit him!

If it had been me,
you'd have hit me already.

She's screamed three times today.

Yeah.

Fuck!

I'll get my revenge. I'm warning you.

You're mean, José Eduardo. Mean!

There it is.

Well done, team! Well done!

Well done!

It lit up really good.

- It turned out big.
- We're a great team, Scorpions.

Great team, Scorpions.

I decided to go on this trip
to be near my family.

That's why I decided to invite
this acquaintance of mine,

her name is Allison, she is a shaman
and she performs Native American rituals.

- My friend's here.
- Your friend?

ALLISON TROXEL SHAMAN

Damn! She looks like a friend of yours.

- Am I right?
- That's Aislinn's friend?

She looks like it.

She has Ais's style.

Dirty feet, looks like
she hasn't bathed in a month.

Like she has smoked three mushrooms.

I mean, Ais has cleaned up a bit,
but she used to be like that.

The girl needs more friends,
she needs to get out more.

José Eduardo is a snob.
When he sees someone in flip-flops,

he starts judging them.
He'll say they haven't showered

that they're hippies,
and whatnot. He's ignorant.

Allison is a shaman who
will conduct some sort of ceremony for us.

Look at Fiona.

- It's a traditional ceremony from here.
- Ceremony?

- A ritual?
- Like a purification ritual.

- Is this legal?
- The woman, or...

You can tell the lady's been
legal for some time.

This whole shaman thing
is not a matter of believing or not.

I had never dealt with one.
This is the first time. And I think...

They're weird people.

- I love being here in the forest.
- I'm glad.

Shouldn't we help her?

- What?
- Help her.

What's she doing?

- She's getting rid of her demons.
- She's already possessed.

Let's start with the kid.

Get rid of her demons first,
then we'll see.

What the hell is that?
Is she calling a cab?

This family shouldn't be given
any instruments that produce noise,

no drums or whistles.

No. No.

You're up, honey.

This is why I made them write
on those pieces of papers in the RV.

It was the surprise I had for them.

Well, I'd like to ask the fire

for clarity, so that I can accept things

as they are
without feeling compelled to change them,

and to have the strength and courage

to endure anything that comes my way.

Chin up.

It felt so nice to reconnect with nature,

and doing it
in this circle with my family.

I felt that... they were very moved
by what we were all feeling.

I want to give thanks
for being here with all of you,

and being up here in the mountains,
experiencing this with all of you.

I'd like to ask the fire
to make me a better person every day.

I love you, guys.

I hope I didn't lose them.

I ask you, fire,

to burn and take away
what I wrote in this paper.

For several months,
I've been working through

some tough and deep-rooted processes

inside of me,

and it has taken me a long time to change.

I want to ask you

to take away and transmute
all my insecurities and fears,

and to help me heal, fix, and change

all that I've been carrying for so long,
and no longer want to carry.

Due to this pandemic,

I realized something I already knew,
that the simple things

make me the happiest,

and that we spend most of our time

trapped in unwanted stressful situations
and commitments.

And these past months
of being locked down with my family,

despite the pandemic,

have been wonderful for me.
They have made me realize

that the most important thing
in life is having time

to be with the people you love
and do the things you really want to do.

So, I want...

to try to remember
all of this and to respect

my heart and my soul,

and only accept the things
that make me happy

in both my personal and professional life.

I must acknowledge Aislinn's effort
and thank her for noticing

that we needed, as a family, to connect
with our inner selves, souls and hearts

at a deeper level.

With the pandemic, I think
we needed a nice moment like this.

The family really needed it.

This first experience in the yurt,

traveling with the Derbez family,
is magical.

Explain to me what Dad's looking at.

He looked twice.

We saw everything.

You really were fondling her,
and that grope--

She was about to fall!

- Yeah, right.
- She was tying her ribbon.

You've already "fallen" four times.

You have to make the most of each moment.

- It was nice, wasn't it?
- Beautiful.

José Eduardo. José Eduardo.

- What do you want?
- Come with me.

Where?

To the bathroom. I need to go,
but I'm afraid of going alone.

It's too dark out there.
I might bump into an animal.

There's one here!

Okay, let's go.

You have no idea how long
I'd been holding it in.

But when your body says "Go," well...

Nature calls.

I can't see anything.

I can't see anything. What?

I can't see anything.

I told you, "Bring your glasses."