Daybreak (2019): Season 1, Episode 1 - Josh vs. the Apocalypse: Part 1 - full transcript

[SPRAY PAINT CAN RATTLES]

[SPRAYING]

["CALIFORNIA LOVE" PLAYING]

♪ Now let me welcome everybody
to the Wild Wild West ♪

♪ A state that's untouchable
like Eliot Ness ♪

♪ The track hits your eardrum
like a slug to your chest ♪

♪ Pack a vest for your Jimmy
in the city of sex ♪

♪ We in that Sunshine State
where the bomb-ass hemp be ♪

♪ The state where you never find
a dance floor empty ♪

- ♪ California ♪
- ♪ California ♪

- ♪ Knows how to party ♪
- ♪ Knows how to party ♪



- ♪ California ♪
- ♪ West Coast ♪

[SCHOOL BELL RINGING]

[PRINCIPAL BURR]
It's another beautiful day.

Eighty-two degrees of opportunity.

The Japanese Club's, uh,
"Say Sayonara to Gluten" bake sale

is going on to raise awareness

for the whitewashing of Asian roles...

uh, in Hollywood.

So let's all bite into some mochi

and give the Japanese Club
a special arigato for our friends with...

our friends with celiac disease.

[OVER SPEAKER] Homecoming tickets
go on sale this weekend.

THIS YEAR'S THEME: “Ring, Ring.
Who's Calling? Bling, Bling.”

Remember, every day is a chance
to be great. As Jay-Z says,



"Don't go with the flow. Be the flow."

[ANNOUNCEMENT ENDS]

Thank you, Principal Burr,

for those inspiring words.

Uh, where were we? Jaden Thompson McGee.

- Present.
- Jaden Unger.

- Yeah.
- Jaden Hoyles.

New phone, who dis?

[STUDENTS LAUGH]

Josh Wheeler?

Wheeler?

Wheeler?

Hey, that's me. Josh, not Jaden.

There are, like, 20 Jadens
in this school.

Parents think that they're being unique,
but it's an army of vanilla.

Not like I'm anything special.
I'm a C student.

C as in “crappy.”
C as in “cannot catch a break.”

C as in “let's just see
how bad things are.”

Climate change deniers are standing
waist-deep in hurricane water.

Corporations make billions off
of nerd culture, making outsiders like...

the new insiders,
leaving the truly odd with...

no way to self-identify.

And little dictators with big egos?

Well, they can launch a nuke with a tweet!
And then one day... Whoa!

They did.

So whatever your problems were...

Dad won't spring for a larger data plan?

Mom won't buy that adorbs top
at Urban Outfitters?

[LAUGHS]

It's all baby food now.

[EXPLOSION]

Now I'm an A. A as in “awesome,”

A as in “the apocalypse
was the best thing that ever happened.”

A as in “all you people
need to buckle up.”

'Cause I wanna show you
just how sweet the end of the world...

actually is.

So what's life like during the apocalypse?
In a word?

Extra. Be the flow.

My digs belonged
to some Armenian gangster, but he's gone,

so I invoked the ancient rites
where finders are keepers

and losers are weepers.

It's one of the only rules left
because there are no adults.

Everyone over the age of 18 is gone.

Well... mostly.

The bombs must've been biological.

Most adults melted into goo,

and the rest turned into
what we like to call "Ghoulies."

[GHOULIE 1]
She hasn't texted me back.

[GHOULIE 2]
I hear the new David Chang restaurant

is supposed to be awesome-sauce.

I should cancel my Facebook account.
It's too divisive.

I know it seems like they're having
a conversation, but they're not.

They only say the last stupid thing
that they were thinking.

But that doesn't mean
that they're harmless.

They will rip your head off
and chug your blood.

I mean, look at this guy.

It's like Prime Rib Night
at the Golden Corral down there.

[GHOULIE GRUNTS]

[SQUIRREL SQUEAKS]

But mostly, life is like living
in Grand Theft Auto...

[ENGINE REVVING]

Except better. [BLOWS]

[TIRES SQUEALING]

♪ Take off
Let me see you take off ♪

[YELLING] Woo-hoo!

♪ Light 'em up, time up ♪

♪ Take a shot, get a tab, run it up ♪

♪ One round ain't enough, double up ♪

♪ It's going down like three, two, one ♪

♪ Adrenaline, whole crew comin' in ♪

♪ Charged up, guess who plug 'em in ♪

♪ You can't win
Shocked 'em again ♪

♪ You can't win
Shocked 'em again ♪

♪ Tell me when to go ♪

♪ Charged up
And my crew out of control... ♪

Oh, crap.

A Yamashiro katana,
Honshū Province.

Television taught me
every good sword has a name.

I mean, Excalibur, Vorpal,
Longclaw, Sting... Needle!

[SIGHS]

I shall name mine...

Sam.

[ENGINE REVVING]

- [CRASHING]
- [GROWLING]

Ever since the bombs fell,
animals have been mutating.

That used to be a pug.

So messed up, right?

[FARTS]

[JOSH] No. No!

I really liked that place too.

So when shopping for a new home,
you have to ask yourself,

“Can I build a minefield, or a moat,
or a drawbridge to protect it?”

No? Move on.

Also, don't pick one with
an unexploded missile in the front yard.

That's a deal-breaker.

[MOTORCYCLE REVVING]

[JOSH] Psst.

Shh.

Baron Triumph.

[BOY YELLING] Help me! Anyone!

Please, help me!

Please, help!

That turd lord catches kids
and purees them into hummus.

The apocalypse
didn't eliminate the assholes.

It made them worse.

We have to rise above.

Every day is a chance to be great.

Be the flow.

[CYMBAL BEATS]

[JOSH] Ghoulies, depraved flesh eaters
on motorcycles,

and mutated animals
aren't the only threats.

The bombs dropped six months ago,
and all of the kids who survived

have more or less
maintained their circle of friends.

Among the tribes
are the Disciples of Kardashia,

the 4-H Club, the Jocks, the STEM Punks,

and countless other small tribes
occupying their own territory.

The borders shift,
so it's best to stay in your own lane.

Now, that's promising.

East-facing windows, nice location.

And Jesus makes a great security system.

Damn.

Some kids already called dibs.

RULE THREE: keep to yourself.
I've avoided everyone since the boom.

Some kids... are worse than Ghoulies.

[GIRL SCREAMING]

Things just got different.

- [INDISTINCT CHATTER]
- [GRUNTING]

[HOWLING]

- [RATTLING]
- [WHIMPERING]

[GIRL] Josh!

- Sam.
- [GIRL] Josh!

[SCREAMING] Josh!

Josh!

[INDISTINCT CHATTERING]

Lookie here!

A party crasher.

Hey, bros, what does the Golf Team do

to those who crash our party?

[UP TEMPO SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS]

[JOSH] Whoa!

Easy.

I heard a scream
and thought there might be some trouble.

- What're you doing back there?
- We're doing none of your business.

Buzz off, fly, unless you want to die.

Rhyming? Really, Jerry? Really?

Just kinda roll with it, Terry.

You sound like a knob
with a dictionary, Jerry.

We're on the same team, Gary.

- Yo, Gary's just triggered, Barry.
- Enough! I make the threats.

I'm team captain.
It says so on my shirt.

And I say one of you doesn't belong here.

Gary, Barry, Jerry, Larry
and... what's your name?

- Josh.
- Tennis Josh?

- No.
- Little Josh with the big truck?

- No.
- Gay Josh or Other Gay Josh?

Just Josh, okay?
You guys don't know me.

Well, now you're Wasting-Our-Time-
And-Got-Himself-Dead Josh!

- [SWORD RINGING]
- [TERRY] Whoa, damn!

Soon-To-Be-Dead Josh
has got himself some brass.

Most scabs possum, but you...

Oh, you are interesting, bro.

I've got a killer origin story.

It's got revenge, and drama,
and fights, and love.

True love.

We've been sans Snap for months.

Entertain us...

and you just might live.

Okay, my story?

I moved here before the start of school.

[UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

- You wanted to see me, Principal Burr?
- Oh, Josh.

Josh, come on in.

Have a seat.

[PRINCIPAL BURR] Hmm.

[SIGHS DEEPLY]

How's the move from Toronto?

Uh, yeah, good.

Hmm. You fitting in okay?

Yeah. Good.

Like your classes?

Yeah. Good.

Are you a fan of the walnut, Josh?

California is one of the biggest growers
of nuts in the world.

We're not all celebrities and sunshine.

I know it's more on-trend
to like almonds right now.

Can't go into a Starbucks without somebody
asking for a splash of almond milk.

And cashews?

The cashew
is a cross-cultural masterpiece.

But for me, it's the walnut,

the healthiest food in the world.

Filled with Vitamin E, phytonutrients...

Brain food, they call it.
And that's all well and good, but...

you know why I like it?

Uh, why?

Because the toughest shell can be cracked.

- Are those for me?
- These? Oh, no.

No, no. [CLEARS THROAT]

No, these are plastic.

No, this is a nut-free campus.
I'm sorry I wasn't clear about that.

Justin Salts, Terrence Markazian,

Erika Kim...

they even smell a nut, it's death.

Hospital trip, the whole thing.

Is that an allegory?

It's a metaphor.

A metaphor more.
Moving isn't easy.

Not knowing anybody.

Well, now you know me.

[TERRY]
Are you trying to bore us to death?

Yo, your story is tired, bro.

- Five percent Rotten Tomato, if that.
- [JERRY] I don't get it.

How did a noob like you survive out here
for six months all on his lonesome?

I can fish, hunt, rig solar panels,
and purify water from my own urine,

which is even grosser than it sounds.

- [LAUGHS] What are you, MacGyver?
- [JOSH] No.

I'm Canadian.

You're a value added.

We could use someone like you.

I don't know how to do golf.

I was thinking more of like, hmm...

I don't know, a slave.

Ugh, I object to that terminology.

[TERRY] Indentured American?

Better.

Josh has some serious skills,
unlike you foot lickers.

You're coming with us, Just Josh.

Now, we can do this the hard way

or the harder way.

What's the hard way?

We put an electric dog collar on
and shock you into being our...

indentured American.

And the harder way?

- We put the collar on your junk.
- That's my favorite.

[JOSH] Thanks.

But no thanks.

You see, I have a sacred mission
to accomplish.

This is a nut-free campus.
Sorry that I wasn't clear about that.

Justin Salts, Terrence Markazian,

Erika Kim...

they even smell a nut, it's death.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

- Come in.
- [GIRL] You wanted to see me, Mr. Burr?

[PRINCIPAL BURR]
Sam Dean, meet Josh Wheeler.

Josh, this is Sam.

She's gonna show you around
and answer any questions you have.

That's right. I named my sword after her.

You would too.

- [BOY] Hey, Sam!
- Hey.

- Hi, guys.
- Hola, Señorita Sam.

Hola, Ms. Rodriguez.

How do you have so many friendlies?

- Who are you?
- [LAUGHS] I'm Sam Dean.

Two syllables, two boys' names.
Sam, Dean.

Like, Sam as in Samantha?

Sam as in Samaira.

Is that... is that like an England thing?

Uh, no. My mum is an engineer,
and she worked in Jaipur,

so I am the definition
of cultural appropriation.

Samaira.

It means "enchanting,"
which is pretty cringe.

Samaira is a kind of girl

who Instagrams an inspirational quote
over a peace sign selfie.

Sam doesn't have any kind
of social media platform.

Sam still likes riding her old BMX bike.

Sam's thinking of getting a tattoo
but is too indecisive to choose.

Wait, hang on.

No one is friends with everyone
unless they're, like, a cheerleader.

- Are you a cheerleader?
- Uh, no. But only because irony is dead.

So what are you?

I'm...

interested.

Look.

Competitive fidget spinners,
creepypasta eaters,

the meow-sters, E-sportos.

Shannon Vinnecour
recreated Gondor in Minecraft.

And Todd Altman self-identifies his gender
as a seahorse.

The horse of the sea.

I don't think
that we have those in Canada.

Probably not.

I get it.

- You're nice.
- Nice?

Nice is what you say when you
have nothing else to say about someone.

It's lame. I'm not nice.

Everyone seems to like you.

I'm a human Sorting Hat.

Principal Burr just uses me to help
figure out where the new students click.

So where do I belong?

Who are your people?

I lived in a small town with small people.

It's still jocks, and nerds,
and cheerleaders, and...

me.

You're challenging, Josh Wheeler.

And I do like a challenge.

[LAUGHING]

- [GIRL SCREAMS] Hey!
- [TERRY] Shut up.

Sam Dean is way above your orbit.

- She's like stratosphere!
- She does have great tits, though.

Hey! This is love,
and love is more important than boobs.

Nothing is more important than boobs.

I am in love with Sam Dean,

and I promised to keep her safe
from thunder buckets of crap like you.

Now, let the girl go,

and we'll leave you to whatever
circle jerk you have planned for tonight.

That's tomorrow night.
Tomorrow is Tuesday, right?

- Shut the fuck up, Barry.
- Gender norms don't exist anymore.

Hey!

Give me the girl.

- We're leaving.
- [TERRY] Sorry.

Can't.

We're on a mission to round up stragglers.
And that means you too.

Gary... [SNAPS FINGERS]
collar this dog.

Take another fucking step,
and you're dead.

[LAUGHS]

Well, fuck you, loser!

[LAUGHING LOUDLY]

[TERRY] Oh, my God!

[SWORD SWOOSHES AND STRIKES]

[BREATHES HEAVILY]

[SCREAMS]

Is this what you were trying to do?

I was trying to cut it clean off.
It was gonna be rad!

Get it out, fuck-knuckle.

Can't. It's stuck in the bone!

[LAUGHS] Bone.

Shut your face, Gary. Kill this guy.

Kill him a lot!

[GRUNTING]

[JERRY] Hold on, Terry!

[GRUNTS]

[SCREAMS]

[STRAINING]

Get out of there, Sam!

Go! Sam!

Any of you shit-dips move,

and we have Burning Man Festival early.

Angelica?

Fuck!

Six months.

Six months looking for Sam,
and just when I think I finally find her,

it's Angelica?

Angelica might be ten,
but she's a total fuck...

I wanna say a word that I can't use

because I don't want to use bad words
to describe young women.

I'm part of the solution.

Look, hey, Terry.
Let's just forget about this, man.

You guys keep her.

You can't just leave me here,
you sphincter stain.

- What about all that hero shit?
- That was before I knew it was you.

- What's wrong with me?
- Angelica,

I babysat you, like, three times,

and every time, you either tried
to light me or my stuff on fire.

[TERRY] Sorry to interrupt,

but your sword
is still stuck in my fucking hand!

[SCREAMS]

Listen! I'm leaving.

And if you wanna live,
you're not gonna follow.

Yeah, and why is that?

Because I just used my blade
to make a PB&J.

Raspberry jam,

extra crunchy peanut butter.

And if you don't get an EpiPen,

you'll go into anaphylactic shock,
right, Terry?

How did you know I have an allergy?

You may not know me...

but I know you, Terrence Markazian.

This is a nut-free campus.
Sorry that I wasn't clear about that.

Justin Salts, Terrence Markazian...

[ECHOING] Terrence Markazian...

they even smell a nut, it's death.

[TERRY CRYING]
You just made the wrong enemy.

Your life is over, bro!

Toss yourself to the Ghoulies,
they'll be kinder!

You'll never survive on your own!

I won't be alone once I find Sam.

You'd really leave me back there,
all by myself, defenseless?

Oh, please.
Even the Ghoulies are scared of you.

Hmm. Fucking mutants should be.
They melt better than Barbie dolls.

Bye-bye, Angelica.

You didn't lace your sword with peanuts.
You hate PB&J.

They don't know that.

Psychos get psychosomatic symptoms.

That's smart.

You're not smart.

The world is backwards, Angelica.
I just fit in way better now.

The child who boasts like a man
may count his pubes on one hand.

This is why I avoid people.

Because street samurai are a thing now.

Nice sword.

I see you listened to the wisdom
I dropped, Joshua Wheeler.

Wesley Fists? This guy was a dick.

[WESLEY]
I've been trying to tell you.

Please let me put you on game.

You need a blade, Jaden.

That was rule number one
in the 15th century.

Why not the 21st?

- Nice.
- Nice?

This is an exact replica of the blade
the legendary Toshirō Mifune

wielded in Throne of Blood.

So why do you have it?

We can't all be three-time
world gymnastics champion, Kurt Thomas,

who employed the precision of gymnastics
and the deadly force of karate

in the 1985 classic Gymkata.

No one gets your movie references, dude.

Josh understands what I'm talking about.
Hey, yo, Vanilla Ice,

tell Hoyles here
swords are the perfect weapon.

Oh, I mean, I don't know.
I'd probably take a gun over a sword.

A gun? Guns don't have names.

Swords have all the best names.

Please, tell me what gun
is better than a sword?

Uh, I don't know.

Sniper rifle?

[LAUGHS] A sniper rifle!
How many rounds you think you got?

[IMITATES STUTTERING]
Awesome. Let's say a 30-round mag?

How long do you think
that's gonna last you?

Not long.

All I got to do is wait
for your bullets to be gone,

and then answer...
[IMITATES UNSHEATHING A SWORD]

With honed steel.

Patience is knowing the mulberry leaf
will soon become a silk robe.

Principal Burr, back me up!

You would take a sword over a gun?

Oh, I don't know, Wes.
I usually play Sombra in Overwatch.

You play as a girl?

Sombra has thermoptic camo. I like that.

You can't hit what you can't see.

And let's not talk about guns,

because if you do, technically,
I have to write a police report,

and technically,
they have to file that with the FBI,

and technically,
you'll be on a watch list.

But I support all of our amendments,
especially

your right to not be late
for third period. Gentlemen.

[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]

[GRUNTS]

[LAUGHING]

What the fuck?

I'm sorry.

Oh, too slow! Stay goosey! [LAUGHS]

What do you want, Wesley?

If you're running with the Golf Club,
you're missing a polo shirt.

I'm a pacifist now...

atoning for crimes I committed
in my previous life,

on a path to enlightenment.

Don't start samurai crap with me.
Your dad was my dentist.

Proper flossing has no impact
on my dedication to the Bushido Code.

I've sworn an oath to help guide
lost spirits through the wasteland.

I'm not lost.

- I just wanna find...
- Sam Dean?

I know.

I saw your tags.

"I am here." I did a little...

Sherlock-and-popping,
figured you were fishing for her.

- Do you know where she is?
- Well, I heard from Claire Richter,

who runs with the Cheermazons, that
Scooter Kauffman heard the STEM Punk tribe

saw Sam hanging in the mall.

The mall is Baron Triumph territory.

I came to tell you
that the soul stealer stole your lady.

Um, douchers? It's go time.

[GOLFERS] Hey!

I'm signaling Turbo for reinforcements.

["TODAY" PLAYING]

- Trouble at the Golf Club, Mona.
- Shut the fuck up.

Golfers don't rate as athletes.
They've got tiny balls.

Besides, American Ninja Idol is on.

[SINGING OFF-KEY]
♪ Today is the greatest ♪

♪ Day I've ever known ♪

♪ Can't live for tomorrow ♪

[LOW GROWL]

Oh, shi...

[CHEERING]

[SHOUTING]

[GRUNTS]

[BOY] That's good.

I did it! I won!

No.

[CHEERING]

Feel like hunting some new recruits?

[GROWLING LOUDLY]

[YELLING]

[ENGINE REVVING]

[TERRY]
Come out, come out, wherever you are.

- [GARY] Where are you, Josh?
- [LARRY] Can't hide forever.

- [JERRY] Here, Joshie, Joshie!
- [TERRY] We're gonna find you.

Really?
You think this is a good time to get high?

Bubonic Chronic
helps me focus in times of stress.

Can I have a hit?

We are not lighting
the Golf Team on fire.

Come on.

Yo!

This place has everything!

Food, water...

a tub of Aquaphor.

O negative blood for transfusions!

Quilted toilet paper.

Party supplies, Tide Pods...
What are you washing?

Damn near all the Settlers of Catan.

I thought you would've been taken out
in the first round, Josh Wheeler.

But check you out!

- I am impressed.
- [JOSH] This is just my old apartment.

I just use it for storage.

Yeah, storage.

Flowers? Andes Mints?

- You expecting some company?
- I thought that Sam might come here.

I've been looking for her for months.

I think what we had was special.

You know, it was weird. It was like...

a hit teen rom-com,
but spread out over a bunch of episodes

that you could just binge in one sitting.

[CHUCKLES]

Let's cut to the montage?

♪ Staring in your eyes ♪

♪ Everything simplifies ♪

♪ Leave it all behind ♪

♪ Everything simplifies ♪

♪ All we need is nothing more ♪

♪ When everything simplifies ♪

♪ You and I need nothing more... ♪

[JOSH] Give me a sec to tidy up.

[SAM]
Whoa, I can handle a little mess.

What's so embarrassing?

[JOSH] Oh, just grabbing my Pokémon cards.
You know, Pikachu, Charmander.

I even have a Mewtwo, which is...
You know, got to catch 'em all.

Just don't want you to think
that I'm some kind of... weirdo.

[SAM READING] "Call Grandma, no texts.
The future scares her."

What's this?

That's, uh...

That's my mom.

After the divorce,

my mom got custody, and we moved here.

But she leaves the house
at the crack of dawn

and doesn't get home
until after dinner, so...

I have a Post-it parent.

Sam, meet my mom.

Mom... this is Sam.

[SAM CHUCKLES]

And your Pokémon cards?

Uh, I actually have a huge collection,
but they're back in Toronto with my dad.

Wow.

I am a weirdo.

But not a total weirdo. [LAUGHS]

Sorry, I just...

I don't want a pity peck
for our first kiss. You know?

[LAUGHS] Josh...

You could be broody and bleak,
but you're not.

Your superpower is your honesty.

Radical honesty.

You're not trying to be anyone else
but yourself.

[SOFT MUSIC PLAYING]

[BOTH LAUGH]

Thanks for telling me where Sam is.

You guys can just take
whatever you want and go.

And what if Sam's not at the mall?

- What if she's dead?
- She's not.

Look, my mom used to leave me
Post-it notes, but this one...

this one is Sam's writing.

She left it here for me.

If Sam is out there, I'm not giving up.

[VEHICLES APPROACHING]

Everyone can hear that... right?

[WESLEY] Shit.

It's Turbo Bro Jock.

Turbo Bro?

You mean, Turbo Pokaski?

I can't believe some parent
named their kid Turbo.

They might as well
have named him Adolf or Bully.

[WESLEY] Turbo gathered all the jocks
into one tribe.

Football, baseball, golf, et cetera.

- He's the bad guy.
- [ANGELICA] How'd they find us?

We found it here!

Bubonic Chronic.

Bubonic Chronic?

Wesley?

[GLASS SHATTERS]

[TERRY] Little pig, little pig.

Let us in! Or we'll huff, and we'll puff,

and we'll kick the shit out of you.

[ANGELICA]
We have to get out of here, Josh.

You and I are not a thing, Angelica.

If I kaboom those Jocks to ash,
can I stay on your team?

I don't have a team.

I'm a genius with very flexible morality.
You need me!

I agree with the petulant dwarf.
You require our assistance.

Uh-uh. Both of you, unsubscribe.
You two made my life hell in high school.

I've done a great many things
that've besmirched my soul.

A rōnin seeks forgiveness through action.

Having other people around
is just trouble, okay?

- [GLASS BREAKS]
- I'm going to find Sam. That's it.

It's not on me to forgive you
for being a jerk in high school, Wesley.

And I'm not babysitting you
anymore, Angelica.

- Look, I'm sorry I was such a shit.
- No, you're not.

No, I'm not. But we have no idea
what's going on here.

We don't know why the adults
turned into Ghoulies or why kids didn't.

But those are just kids out there.

Fascist bullies who saw Mad Max
too many times and dressed like assholes,

but still kids.

The only way we're gonna find answers
and survive is if we stay together.

These douchebags wanna party?

Let's throw 'em a real rager.

Throw the rocks!

Pussies!

They're not coming out, Turbo.

We got to turn up, Turbo.

We're savage AF, Turbo.

No one ducks our tribe, Turbo.

Let's bust through this goal line, Turbo.

[YELLS]

[YELLING]

Yeah, Turbo!

[SCREAMS]

I'm dirty! Josh!

Make it rain!

["REMOVE YOUR MASK" PLAYING]

♪ Yours is a history
that's written in stone ♪

♪ There was a lady who had
built her own throne ♪

♪ You could have anything
that you ever asked ♪

♪ To live in the moment
and remove your mask ♪

[GROWLING]

Is that all you got, losers?
You're gonna have to do better than that!

[SCREAMING]

Ghoulies!

[JOCK] Holy shit!

We got to go.

[JOCK] What did they do?

[YELLS]

Get the fu... [GRUNTING]

- [WESLEY] Come on.
- [JOSH] Come on.

[GRUNTS]

There's an alley off Lexington Ave.
Goes straight to the mall.

You guys take that,
I'll take Glendale to Colorado.

We need to stay together.

We stay together, they'll catch us.
Those Jocks have a hard-on for me.

I'll lose them and meet you
by the rear entrance of Dick's.

[CHUCKLES] Rear.

Fine. Get your balls in gear, boys.

Uh...

[MOTORCYCLE APPROACHING]

[JOCK] Tracks!

You can run, but you can't hide, sucker!

God, I can't believe I'm gonna get caught.

And the worst part...

I'd probably still be with Sam
if I just went to that dumb football game.

[QUARTERBACK] Hike!

[EXPLOSION]

Oh, shit.

- [RUMBLING]
- [GLASS SHATTERING]

[JOSH SCREAMING]

[HIGH-PITCHED RINGING]

[MUFFLED] Ah...

[HIGH-PITCHED RINGING CONTINUES]

[PHONE VIBRATING]

[HIGH-PITCHED RINGING STOPS]

- Sam!
- [SAM] Josh!

- Sam, where are you?
- I can't see. I'm bleeding!

Josh! Josh, follow emergency
lockdown procedures! Find your buddy!

- I'm gonna find you!
- [SAM] Josh, I'm scared!

- I... Josh...
- Sam?

Sam!

Sam!

Sam!

Sam!

You know what?

I promised Sam,
and I'm not stopping until I find her.

[YELLS]

[JOCK] Get him!

[GOLFER]
Nobody messes with the Golf Team!

Damn, these some chain chains.

Dead end.

[GHOULIE] There's a sale.

Ten percent off Groove Pants at Lululemon.

There's a sale.

Spark me, Samurai.

[GHOULIE]
Ten percent off Groove Pants at Lululemon.

[ANGELICA]
Stupid Russian-made flamethrower!

- I can't open it!
- I'm almost empty.

- You got to kill her!
- There's a sale!

Ten percent off Groove Pants at Lululemon.

I'm a pacifist!

Plus, this poor white girl
just wants some yoga pants.

As an empiricist,
I find the need to redeem your soul

to be hopelessly naive and fucking stupid.

[GROWLS]

[LANCING]

[YELLING]

Oh, shit! My sword!

- You suck at hero-ing.
- I saved your stupid lives, twice.

Now, hurry. Turbo's on my ass.

Um... No, he's not.

Why aren't they chasing you?

[MOTORCYCLE REVVING IN DISTANCE]

Baron Triumph.

Oh, shit.

Anyone know who the hell
this twat herder really is?

I heard he's Marco Lions,
that gearhead that lived in Hollywood.

Didn't your old bestie Jaden Hoyles
ride a motorcycle like that?

Well, Hoyles is a real prick.

Whoever he is, here he comes.

What the...

So what's like life in the apocalypse?

It's never what you'd expect.