Dawson's Creek (1998–2003): Season 6, Episode 19 - Lovelines - full transcript
Audrey returns to Boston from rehab in L.A. and tries to make peace with everyone while the gang see their relationship problems exposed to a large audience when they all become patients of Dr. Drew Pinsky and Adam Carola's counseling center benefit at Boston Bay. C.J. is trying to find out why Jen inadvertently dumped him that very morning, while Eddie wants to know why is Joey opposing to have sex with him, while David thinks Jack is flirting with another guy. All and all, Jen ends up walking away from her hosting duties, leaving Audrey in charge. She tells C.J. about Grams' disease and C.J. assures he's there for her. Joey finally gives in and asks Eddie back to her place. But David and Jack don't have happy ending for David refuses to believe Jack was just being nice and asks for some time off.
-Joey.
-Studying.
-Joey.
-Still studying.
Why don't you
wanna get with me?
-What are you going on about?
-Since l've been back, nothing, nada.
A drought of epic proportions. ls there
a hygiene issue l'm not aware of?
-Audrey?
-Hi, bunny.
-Oh, my God.
-Hey.
Oh, you flunked out of school, how
sad. Death of a dream and all that.
-Guess who was on my plane.
-Audrey, you're back a day early.
l got early parole for good behaviour.
Actually, the rumour has it...
...Courtney Love checked in
and needed the room.
-So guess who was on my flight.
-Pilots, stewardesses...
-...and assorted passengers.
-Well, that's funny, but no.
l'm only talking about
the sexiest man in all of America.
Audrey, don't you wanna
maybe relax, get settled?
No one's too busy for
Guess Who Was on My Plane.
-Trust me, this one's really good.
-Okay, fine. Brad Pitt?
Will you work with me?
That is so obvious.
No, this guy is way hotter. l'm talking,
like, the thinking girl's dream.
Oh, lan Ziering.
Dr. Drew.
lmpressive. Now, l would
have thought he was a little too...
...clinical for your taste.
lt's a rehab thing. You crave men
based on who'd look cutest...
-...in a white lab coat.
-Who's Dr. Drew?
-Are you serious?
-You know, Dr. Drew...
...and Adam Carolla.
Of Loveline fame?
Popular radio call-in show where they
espouse advice to pathetic losers...
-...with massive sexual hang-ups.
-lt used to be on MTV.
Jeez, Louise. Looks like
Mr. Goodwrench has been...
...too busy throwing his back
into his living to soak up pop culture.
What's MTV?
-Kidding.
-So anyway, what are the odds?
Pretty good, considering they're
gonna be at Boston Bay tomorrow.
What? Where the hell have l been?
Oh, right, l've been in rehab.
They're putting on a fundraiser
for the counselling centre...
-...and Jen gets to be host.
-This is perfect.
She can totally intro me to the doc.
l knew it was destiny. l gotta pee.
She's back.
ls it too much to ask that we invest
in cordless phones around here?
You excited about
the hosting gig tonight?
Yeah? Who knows, you could become
the next Ryan Seacrest.
You could borrow
one of his man-blouses.
Something wrong?
You seem a little tense.
No, l'm really not. l'm fine.
Come here. Sit down.
-No, that's okay.
-Come on, come on, come on.
There. Doesn't that feel better? So
l was thinking, after tonight's soiree...
...you and l can slip back to
my place for a nightcapper?
You, me, some cheap champagne,
a little Fleetwood Mac.
-l can't.
-Okay, no Fleetwood Mac.
No.
No, it's not that. l mean, l just--
Really-- l can't. l can't.
Why not?
l have to help Grams.
l can help Grams. Let me come.
-l don't think that's a very good idea.
-Why not?
Because, C.J., l'm breaking up
with you. l'll see you tonight.
Joey?
Yes, Eddie?
We never got a chance
to finish our conversation.
-And what conversation was that?
-About how you're repulsed by me.
-l am not repulsed by you.
-Then why won't you get with me?
Would you stop saying
''get with me''?
-lt's creeping me out.
-Sorry.
And l--
l don't wanna talk about that.
-What?
-You know.
What, sex?
You don't wanna talk about sex?
-No.
-Why?
l don't know. l just-- l don't.
No, l get it. l understand.
l repulse you.
-You don't repulse me.
-lt's okay.
lt's happened to me before.
-lt has?
-No.
Eddie, you know what?
You don't get anywhere
talking about sex.
-You just make me uncomfortable.
-Clearly.
My sweet Lord. Will the two of you
just do it already and be quiet?
l have to go. l have a quiz.
Well, fine. Maybe we can
not talk about this later.
Gladly.
Do you wanna make out?
No.
Good. That was your test, buddy.
You break her heart again
and l'm gonna kill you. You got it?
Yeah.
Have a good one. Thanks.
-Hi.
-Hey.
So is there, like, assigned seats,
or how does this work?
No, it's general admission.
First come, first served.
Great. So if l wanted to sit
by someone specific...
...the best way would
just be to ask him?
Yeah.
So you going with anybody?
-Me?
-Yeah. ls that a problem?
Oh, well, no.
Normally, l wouldn't mind...
...but you'd have to ask
my boyfriend, Jack.
-You rang?
-l thought l'd introduce you...
...to this guy who had the good taste
to hit on me.
-Jack, this is....
-Fred.
-Fred.
-Hi.
-Sorry about that.
-Not a problem. lt's cool.
l mean, it's not cool, of course.
Although l do like to pimp him out
from time to time.
Gotcha.
-lt was nice meeting you.
-You too.
Hi.
-He seemed nice.
-Yeah.
Over about another foot, l think.
Right there.
-Why am l doing this?
-Eating cheese?
No, no, this. l'm not--
l'm not cut out for this.
What if nobody talks?
At least at the help line
l can hang up on them...
...but what if nobody asks any
questions? What am l gonna do?
Run and hide and curl up
in a foetal position...
-...hoping nobody finds you?
-l need a ringer.
-A what?
-A ringer. Somebody to ask...
...preplanned questions
during moments of silence.
Well, don't look at me.
l suffer from glossophobia.
lt's a fear of public speaking.
So my duties tonight
will be strictly limited to ticket-taking...
-...which l will now go do. Good luck.
-Thanks.
-Hi.
-Hi.
So....
So....
What are you doing here?
l'm helping you host the event,
remember?
-Yeah.
-Right.
About what happened earlier--
You know what? l can't really
talk about that right now. l'm sorry. l--
l've got so many notes to go over,
and cold cuts--
l have these really wonderful cold cuts
that l don't want to go to waste.
Okay. Fair enough.
Yeah, l'll just go get ready.
Good.
-Oh, my God. Where is he?
-Who?
Who? Who? Oh, Jen, Jen.
Sweet, sweet Jen.
Amusing fa?ade, it's no use.
You can't keep us apart.
lt's destiny, l tell you. Destiny.
Jen, he was on my plane.
Ladies, ladies. Put the claws back.
No need to fight.
Plenty of room
on the Carolla-coaster for everyone.
l won't meet
the minimum height requirement.
lt's nice to meet you. l gotta go.
Well, what about you?
You wanna hop onboard?
l wasn't talking about you, doofus.
l'm kind of looking for Dr. Drew.
-Pinsky?
-Yes, yes. Do you know where he is?
That geezer's probably out
casket-shopping.
He's old. He's an old man.
He's old enough
to be your grandfather.
Whereas l, l'm just old enough
to be your daddy.
And plus, the guy's a bore.
He's an amazing bore. He never
stops talking about gonorrhoea...
...and hepatitis G.
Believe me, l know.
l have to share a hotel room
with the guy.
-Cheap bastards.
-Oh, my God.
You've shared a room with him?
Tell me something.
Have you seen him naked?
Yes. Yes, l have.
l hate to tell you...
...but in about two minutes,
there's gonna be a riot for that seat.
-Hey, Jack, right?
-Yeah, yeah.
Fred. So where's the boyfriend?
That'd be the question of the hour.
Clearly not where
he's supposed to be.
But it is taken, right?
The seat?
Yeah, you know, l was....
What the hell. lt's all yours.
Just so you know, it's over.
-What is?
-The trust.
-We still talking about this?
-Done, gone, finito.
Deader than disco.
You allowed me to think
that l was good at it.
-Good at what?
-The sweet, tender lovemaking...
...that couples tend to engage in
upon day's end.
You know, you are good at it, okay?
Can we please...
-...stop talking about this?
-No, we can't. The whole point...
...of this evening was for people to get
together and talk about their problems.
We're freaks,
but not those kinds of freaks. Sit.
Lying on the ground, tongue out of his
mouth, vultures flying over his head...
...and goes to the farmer,
''They're just about to land.''
Oh, man, you're definitely
gonna get punched for that.
-l could think of worse things.
-Like not saving your boyfriend's seat?
David, hey. You remember....
l remember.
lt's nice to see you again.
l thought we said
the right side of the stage.
We did.
We-- See, l meant from the front.
lf you look at it from the front,
it's the right...
...but if you're coming from the back,
l could see how you could....
You know, l'm sorry.
lt's my fault. l'll move.
Good idea.
They're both the hosts of the
wildly popular radio show Loveline.
l'd like to take this time
to introduce our esteemed guests:
Dr. Drew and Adam Carolla.
Okay. Well, since
our time here is limited...
...and l'm pretty sure that
everybody knows how this works...
...with no further ado...
...who has the first question?
Okay, not everyone at once.
Jen. Jen, pick me. Lindley!
Anybody.
Anybody.
Bueller?
Bueller?
Come on, you people are in college.
Your crabs have gonorrhoea.
Where's the questions?
l'd actually-- l'd actually like
to pose a question, if l may?
Actually, C.J., l think it's your job
to field the questions, not ask them.
You field, they ask. Field, ask,
field, ask. You see how it works?
That's okay.
We're not worried about form.
So go on, C.J., ask your question.
Okay. Well, there's this girl
that l have--
-Or had a relationship with.
-She was a sex buddy?
No, she--
She was a girlfriend, actually.
And we were together for several
months, up until this morning...
...when she dumped me
like a sack of rotten trash.
No explanation,
no warning, no nothing.
Were there any warning signs?
Any problems in the relationship?
No, none.
Well, l did sleep
with one of her friends.
But just one, right?
-How dare she?
-They don't mind that stuff.
-Can't be that.
-But she knew about it...
...and it was before we got together,
so that doesn't count, right?
Have you simply tried asking
for an explanation?
That's the thing.
Every time l try to talk to her...
...she treats me like
l'm Father Damien.
-He was a leper.
-Oh, sure.
The famous leper, Father Damien.
Drew, you wrote your thesis
on Father Damien, did you not?
All right, listen...
...l say run.
l mean, this chick's a headcase. She's
gonna take you down, l promise--
Thanks, Adam, for that astute insight,
but if you don't mind me saying so...
...l think C.J.'s problems here
are really subordinate...
...to members of this audience
who have actually paid money...
...to listen to your vastly
underqualified advice.
You're so lucky l don't know
what ''subordinate'' means, honey.
So l guess we should
probably just break up, then, huh?
-Will you be quiet?
-l need to know.
Shut up.
Don't tell me to shut up
in front of these people.
What l don't understand, Joe...
...is why is it so hard for you
to talk about sex?
What have we here?
We gotta hear more about this. We got
a wiener in the crowd here, Drew.
Let's get a mike over.
This will make a good question.
Oh, no, that's okay.
There's no problem.
Nope, nope. No problem at all.
Oh, yeah, there's a problem, or you
wouldn't have been screaming...
...like a girl 1 0 seconds ago.
We need to hear this problem.
What is it?
No, it's really-- lt's okay.
lt's not-- lt's not that bad, actually.
Yeah, he likes it that way.
He prefers it, actually.
l'm sorry. l think l missed something.
What's your name?
-Joey. But like l said...
-l'm Eddie.
-...we have no problem.
-Oh, if you say so...
...but l just can't help but wonder,
Adam, should a couple...
...that's not even mature enough
to talk about sex be having sex?
Give me this. That's what l'm saying,
Dr. Drew. lt's exactly what l'm saying.
Not exactly what l'm saying. She's
a little uptight about the whole thing.
-l'm not uptight--
-You are. Don't touch me.
This long-distance relationship's...
...breaking my heart.
Let's get you two up on-stage...
...where we can
thump you like melons.
-What do you guys say?
-Yeah!
Oh, yeah. Absolutely.
Thank you.
Jen.
Jen. l really have a--
Jen.
Just so you know,
l'm going to kill you afterwards.
Okay.
Now, why don't you two start
by telling us about this relationship.
-Well--
-Well-- l'll start.
Well, it's all very simple, actually.
Today, l realized that the girl
that l have been opening my life...
...and baring my naked soul to
for the past six months is a phoney.
Six months. ls that how long
this thing's been going on?
Well, it's hard to tell exactly.
l mean, we met in the fall,
but we really didn't like each other--
Oh, hey, stop.
Okay, look, l had no beef with her...
...but she, l mean, she obviously,
you know, was in love with me...
...in her own
emotionally unstable way.
Emotionally unstable?
-l'm emotionally unstable?
-Look in the mirror.
Who left with no forwarding address
at the first sign...
-...this was getting serious?
-l came back, didn't l?
-No, not willingly.
-l'm sitting here.
-l had to come look for you, didn't l?
-Oh, God.
At a significant loss to my personal
dignity, thank you very much.
And then, to celebrate...
-...he left again.
-And throughout all this...
-...you kept having sex?
-Oh, yeah.
No wonder she's screwed up.
Thank you. Wait a second.
Listen, l don't like
the cut of your jib, son.
l mean, you have sex with her,
then you dump her...
...then you try
to get her trust back...
...except for you abandon her again.
So you've abandoned her twice...
...and now you're perplexed
as to why she won't trust you...
...when you've dumped her
two times?
Are you high, son?
l mean, no wonder she's cut you off.
Drew, if you treated me this way,
l'd cut you off in a heartbeat.
-That's why l treat you right.
-Right.
Joey, is abandonment
a big issue for you?
-No.
-Are you on any medication?
-No.
-ls your dad around?
ls he a big figure in your life?
ls anything going on with him?
You know what, Dr. Drew,
l thank you for everything...
...but l think l've had enough and
l'm gonna head back to my seat now.
Not so fast. Listen, Joey,
nothing to be ashamed of.
Common problems, all right?
Tough to talk about.
l'm sure people call
the help line all the time...
-...with things like this.
-Oh, yeah.
Constantly. There's really nothing
to be embarrassed about.
You're very normal
in your abnormality.
Jen, perhaps there's someone else
in the audience...
...that would like to ask a question.
Oh, yes, yes, with the raised hand.
Who is that?
l'm David and l need to know
what the proper response is...
...when you find your boyfriend flirting
with another guy in front of you?
l wasn't flirting.
Since when is having an idle chat
considered flirting, my friend?
We have a couple of dates,
he thinks he owns me, Drew.
Adam wants to be your boyfriend.
He longs to be gay.
David, was this
a monogamous relationship?
Yeah, l thought it was.
l see. So you're wondering
whether it actually is monogamous.
Well, obviously,
you guys need to talk about this.
You know, a possibility
is he's acting out in front of you...
...because he's trying
to give you a message...
...and he just doesn't have
any other way to tell you.
Maybe he's just
one of those people...
...who's really super nice to everybody
so it seems like he's flirting...
...but actually he's not,
because nobody's that stupid.
So my advice on this one would
just be forgive and forget.
Are you high, missy?
You gotta dump this guy, and l'm not
saying that because he's a gay.
Okay, why don't we go
to Mandy behind the screen.
Mandy, what's your question?
Mandy?
Hi, sorry. No, actually,
my name is Audrey...
...and my question
is specifically for Dr. Drew.
l'm about 5'7'' . l've got blond hair,
blue eyes, great rack.
-Audrey, question. Find it.
-Oh, right. Okay, well....
Several months ago, l realized that
l had a serious problem with alcohol.
l had all these negative feelings
about my life...
...and l was using alcohol
as my escape, you know.
And in the process, l hurt a lot of
people that were very close to me.
And if it hadn't been
for those very same people...
...l probably would not have gotten
the professional help that l needed.
So after spending several weeks in a
rehab facility in Southern California...
...l guess my question to you is this,
Dr. Drew:
How would you like
to go back to my dorm room...
...and play a little game l like to call
Dirty Doctor and Naughty Nurse?
-Yeah!
-Okay.
Audrey, that was touching.
-Let's move on, shall we, to--
-You know, we really haven't had...
...a chance to get a woman's
perspective on some of these matters.
Tell me, Jennifer,
getting back to my problem...
...why do you think this girl
decided to rip my heart out...
...without any explanation?
-Get over it.
-Come on.
lf you ask me, C.J., l think the time
for your problem has come and gone.
Now, since we have with us here
the experts on-stage who are here...
-...to answer people's questions--
-Oh, experts, huh?
A minute ago l was a hack,
now l'm back to expert? That's nice.
Actually, Jennifer, that's not a bad
idea. You should answer this question.
Everyone's here
to support the help line.
Why don't you give them a sample of
what they can get when they call in.
Yeah.
Okay. Well, if you ask me...
...l think that the answer
to that question has many parts.
One, it seems to me that this girl
isn't really out to get you, that maybe...
-...in fact, she's just confused.
-To say the least.
And two, maybe she has a lot
on her plate at the moment...
...so she doesn't feel like she has
the time for a relationship.
-And three?
-That's it.
You can't just start stringing together
a list of reasons and stop at two.
-Says who?
-Says who? Says me. Says Drew.
Says our parents.
Remember your mom said that to me?
-Yeah.
-Okay, fine. You get three.
Listen, l just don't want a boyfriend
at this point in time, okay?
-Wait a minute, wait a minute, Drew.
-'' l don't''?
Drew, this is the headcase he's
talking about. He's talking about her.
No--
Yes. l am the girl
that he is referring to...
...but no, l'm not a headcase.
Oh, wow, this is interesting.
So why did you dump this guy?
Unless you don't feel comfortable
talking about these issues.
No, it's just....
He beats you, right? l knew it.
l could see it in his eyes, Drew.
Seriously, is there something
about this guy you don't like?
Or is it something about him,
about the relationship?
No, no, l like him. l like him.
What's not to like? He's perfect.
He's the perfect living embodiment...
...of everything l've ever wanted
in a boyfriend...
...but never thought
l would actually find.
You're kind, you're caring,
you're sensitive...
...you're not wigged out
by gay people.
He is kind of cute.
He's got a bit of the Spader
working for him.
lf l were to start a boy from scratch,
this is what he would end up as.
All right.
So why would you sabotage this?
Why would you take
someone good...
...someone you described
as wonderful, perfect...
...and just drive them away?
Can we turn this back to Joey?
-She's more screwed up than me.
-Hey.
Hey, were either of you abused
as kids?
-No.
-No.
Joey's dad did some time
in the big house.
Maybe we could bring Jack up here
for some humiliation.
Do not let her change the subject.
l'll get answers from Sally Albright--
At least you have a girlfriend.
Jen, l really need to know
what kind of undergarments....
When we get to L.A., l'm putting this
knee in my agent's groin. This knee.
You know what? lt's over.
l'm obviously not equipped to be here.
lf you have questions
and you need answers...
...you should all call the help line.
Oh, my God. What was it like to be
that close to him? Did you touch him?
How would you like to see him
up close and personal?
You saying
what l think you're saying?
Yes. Take over the hosting duties.
Oh, l thought you wanted me to sing.
Oh, well, a gig's a gig. Thanks.
Okay, people, since our lovely
hostess with the mostest...
...Jen Lindley, picked now
to have a mental breakdown...
...l'll be your Ricki Lake
for the evening. Next question.
You. Funny-shaped head.
What do you got?
Dr. Drew, is it true
that men only want sex...
...and women
only want relationships?
l can tell you that ain't true.
l could tell stories...
...that would boggle your
pea-sized little brain. l once--
Asked this girl to do it
while l was driving...
...but she got all sketchy,
said it wasn't safe.
--to engage in high-risk behaviour.
lf you have, see a doctor immediately.
-And then ask--
-ls someone under 5 feet...
-...considered a midget?
-Official midget height is...
...if l'm wearing a pair of stilettos
and l can rest my--
-This laser's not a magic wand.
-Not a panacea, yeah.
Yeah, people think it's a--
What did you say it was?
Panacea. Cure-all.
During sex, she likes to listen
to Pop Goes the Weasel.
ls that--? ls that weird?
The may be the source
of your sexual dysfunction.
ls it okay to use a vibrator?
Great question. l think he has
some feelings about that.
Well, l did a test with Drew once...
...where l just covered
the left side of his face with--
Whenever you have
an abnormality that way...
...it increases your chances
of being an evil genius.
-l want to know--
-Are you taking any medication?
-Can l get pregnant on a full moon?
-Are you on any medication?
-l've got this bad burning sensation.
-Are you on any medication?
What is the average size
of the male genitalia?
-Fluoxetine.
-l mean really bad.
-Citalopram.
-Like l'm on fire.
Fluvoxamine. Sertraline.
Propion. Buspirone.
How small is small?
A genetic biological disease that
could lead to using large amounts of--
Whipped cream. And make sure
you have plenty of it, or else!
Men who want their women to look
like little boys that cause them--
Depression and anxiety,
which can have both psychological...
...and biological elements to it,
and hopefully--
That answers your question. That's all
the time we have for this evening.
Remember something. lf you find
yourself alone and depressed...
...in a room sitting under a bare bulb
in a pile of your own sick...
...please don't call me,
call the help line.
Have a great evening.
So, what would you say to you, me,
a couple of nonalcoholic beers...
...and a shiny new thermometer?
Baby, you're reading my mind.
What exactly
are we doing back here?
We're looking for Audrey.
Hello, we drove her here.
We can get home
and put this horrid night behind us.
-But we haven't solved our problem--
-Eddie!
Good God, son.
Are you still harping on that?
Why don't you give the girl a break.
Have you taken a look at her lately?
You're lucky a chick that hot
lets you get naked...
...in the same building she's in.
You gotta move on.
How old are you? Fifteen, 1 6?
-l'm 25.
-Twenty-five.
You know what l was doing
when l was 25?
No, but l'm sure
you're gonna tell me.
That's right, l'm gonna tell you.
When l was 25...
...l dreamt of getting with chicks
this hot.
l was in my parents' basement
looking at my raft box.
lt had a picture of a gal on it. She was
wearing a bikini and floating on a raft.
And l just stared at that thing
until l was cross-eyed.
l miss that raft box.
-That's weird.
-Yeah, you're damn right it's weird.
And that's my point.
l'm tired of you college kids
complaining and bellyaching.
When l was in college, we didn't
have chicks that dressed like this.
With their belly T's
and their hip-huggers...
...and their thongs
hanging out the back.
No, no, we had it tough.
Let me ask you a question.
You'd be with this guy if you thought
you could trust him, right?
-Yeah.
-There you go, sport.
All you gotta do is gain her trust
and you're in like Flynn.
All right? All right.
Well, my work is done here.
l'm gonna get some cheese.
-So is that true? You don't trust me?
-Well, can you blame me?
No.
Eddie...
...we're living this fantasy.
And we've been doing it
ever since you got back.
And as nice as the fantasy is...
...it's gonna have to end
sooner or later.
Well, since you put it that way, Joey,
l choose later.
Look, l understand how you feel
and l'm sorry l gave you a hard time...
...but there's nothing l can say
to earn your trust.
So you're just gonna
have to take a leap of faith.
Okay, and know that l love you
more than anything in this world.
Okay?
-Okay, come on.
-Where are we going?
Back to my room
before Audrey gets back.
But we drove her here. She's not
gonna be able to get back to--
Exactly!
You know...
...tonight doesn't have to be
a complete disaster.
lf we hurry,
we can still make it to the bars.
Maybe you can find some guy
l can openly flirt with.
-Am l supposed to be amused by that?
-Yes, David, you are.
But since you're not...
...you should say what you wanna say
and get this over with.
-You don't have anything to say?
-Honestly, no.
Because in my mind, there's nothing
worth even talking about.
lt's just a stupid misunderstanding...
...that you seem intent
on blowing up into a much larger deal.
Okay.
So just to clarify, l'm crazy and you're
not gonna even attempt an apology.
l was talking with the guy, David.
That's it.
lt's like Jen said, all right? l'm just--
l was being nice.
l'm not communicating anything.
l don't want you to feel bad.
You know what?
l'm beginning to think l should have
trusted my original instincts about you.
What the hell is that
supposed to mean?
Look, if you wanna break up with me
over something this minor, just do it.
-That's the first place you go?
-What?
Maybe you've been
hanging out with Jen so long...
...you've become the same person.
For a master communicator,
you're not expressing yourself well.
We were having a little argument
and in two seconds you snowball it...
-...into something catastrophic.
-Right. l manage.
-And you weren't passive-aggressive.
-l'm not looking for a way out.
-And l am?
-lf you're bored...
-...or in over your head, say so.
-Did l say that?
Fine. But l am not just gonna dump
you so you can walk away guilt-free.
Guilt-free--
David, l am guilt-free.
l didn't do anything wrong.
-Right.
-What? Great, you're leaving now?
Yes. And l'm gonna make this
really simple for you.
Either apologize to me
or break up with me.
Oh, fine, okay. Whatever. Sorry.
No. No, no, no.
l deserve better than that.
Take a day. Hell, take a week.
Think about it.
And let me know what you decide.
Wait, C.J. Wait. Let me explain.
-Will you please let me explain?
-l think l've heard all l need to hear.
Look, l need to talk to you.
l need your help.
Oh, you need my help?
Well, you said it earlier.
-Why don't you call the help line.
-Okay, l will.
Oh, man, l really hope
somebody picks up.
l'm not gonna do this.
You've got a crazy girl
on the other end of the line.
She might do something irrational
if she doesn't talk to somebody.
-Hello?
-Hi. ls this the help line?
-Yes.
-Because you didn't say, '' help line.''
Hello. Help line.
Who am l speaking with?
You didn't give me your name.
Hello. Help line. This is C.J.
Do you have a crisis?
Hi, C.J.
-You have a very sweet voice.
-Do you have a crisis or not?
Yes, l do.
And you sound like somebody
that l could trust.
And somebody who could be
endlessly sympathetic...
...with a girl
who has a lot of problems.
Oh, well, isn't that ironic?
Considering l just got dumped today
by a girl with a lot of problems.
Or maybe she doesn't
have any problems.
Personally, l wouldn't know,
because she doesn't confide in me.
Well...
...the thing is that maybe...
...this girl realizes
she made a mistake...
...but she doesn't know
what to do about it.
Well, maybe she needs
to start realizing...
...that whatever the problem is,
her boyfriend is not the enemy.
Right. Well, see--
Now, that's the thing about this girl.
She has a tendency to subscribe
to self-destructive behaviours...
...in her life, and that when one part
of her life isn't going well...
...she has this desire to destroy
everything else going on.
And plus, she's never really been
able to trust anybody before, so--
Everybody's gotta start sometime.
So, what? So, what do l do?
l just-- l just--
l just say what it is
that's bothering me...
...and then l look up
and you're still there?
That's what this
boyfriend thing's about.
lf you don't want a boyfriend,
l can certainly--
She's sick.
My Grams is sick.
And she has been
keeping it from me...
...and it's the reason she broke up
with your Uncle Bill...
...and l don't know what else
she's been keeping from me.
l don't know
what's gonna happen...
...l don't know what l'm gonna do,
l don't know anything about anything.
And so l had a freak-out,
one freak-out. ls that okay?
Yes.
Yeah. Take as many as you need.
-Just the man l was looking for.
-l knew you'd come around.
-They always do.
-Yeah. Where's Dr. Drew?
Again with the Pinsky?
Listen, l hate to tell you,
but your beloved Dr. Drew...
...not so great
with the staying power.
-What?
-He went to the airport after the gig.
But...
...l never got any personal face time
with him.
-What are you still doing here?
-l like to hang behind at these things...
...see if l can scrape up
a little coed tail.
Has that ever worked for you?
No. No, it hasn't.
Joey?
Jen! Jack! Anybody!
Could this night suck any harder?
There are more productive ways
to manage aggression.
Listen, buddy--
Hi. Dr. Drew, l--
l wasn't angry just now. l was just--
l was practicing for a play.
-You know, ''Stella, Stella,'' all that.
-Oh, you're an actress?
Well...
...l am, but more so in life,
l guess, than in art.
l have a bit of a flair
for the dramatic.
-You don't say.
-Yeah.
Although...
...l should kind of point out
l wasn't entirely lying about...
...the whole rehab thing.
l mean, it happened,
that whole part of my life.
And it wasn't pretty...
...having to face myself and all that.
But every night,
after a long day's whining...
...l would lie in bed
and l'd bug my roommate...
...by listening to you guys give advice
to those other losers...
...out there in radioland.
And l don't know. lt just--
lt made me feel less alone.
So....
Well, l guess l just want
to say thank you...
...for being you.
And the truth is...
...l don't know if l could've done it
without you.
Plus you're, like, totally hot.
-Do you want a ride?
-l would love one.
But l know you're married,
so we must keep our distance, Drew.
l'll try.
So you must have, like,
a boatload of groupies, huh?
A few.
Yeah. Don't you kind of
hate girls like that?
-Studying.
-Joey.
-Still studying.
Why don't you
wanna get with me?
-What are you going on about?
-Since l've been back, nothing, nada.
A drought of epic proportions. ls there
a hygiene issue l'm not aware of?
-Audrey?
-Hi, bunny.
-Oh, my God.
-Hey.
Oh, you flunked out of school, how
sad. Death of a dream and all that.
-Guess who was on my plane.
-Audrey, you're back a day early.
l got early parole for good behaviour.
Actually, the rumour has it...
...Courtney Love checked in
and needed the room.
-So guess who was on my flight.
-Pilots, stewardesses...
-...and assorted passengers.
-Well, that's funny, but no.
l'm only talking about
the sexiest man in all of America.
Audrey, don't you wanna
maybe relax, get settled?
No one's too busy for
Guess Who Was on My Plane.
-Trust me, this one's really good.
-Okay, fine. Brad Pitt?
Will you work with me?
That is so obvious.
No, this guy is way hotter. l'm talking,
like, the thinking girl's dream.
Oh, lan Ziering.
Dr. Drew.
lmpressive. Now, l would
have thought he was a little too...
...clinical for your taste.
lt's a rehab thing. You crave men
based on who'd look cutest...
-...in a white lab coat.
-Who's Dr. Drew?
-Are you serious?
-You know, Dr. Drew...
...and Adam Carolla.
Of Loveline fame?
Popular radio call-in show where they
espouse advice to pathetic losers...
-...with massive sexual hang-ups.
-lt used to be on MTV.
Jeez, Louise. Looks like
Mr. Goodwrench has been...
...too busy throwing his back
into his living to soak up pop culture.
What's MTV?
-Kidding.
-So anyway, what are the odds?
Pretty good, considering they're
gonna be at Boston Bay tomorrow.
What? Where the hell have l been?
Oh, right, l've been in rehab.
They're putting on a fundraiser
for the counselling centre...
-...and Jen gets to be host.
-This is perfect.
She can totally intro me to the doc.
l knew it was destiny. l gotta pee.
She's back.
ls it too much to ask that we invest
in cordless phones around here?
You excited about
the hosting gig tonight?
Yeah? Who knows, you could become
the next Ryan Seacrest.
You could borrow
one of his man-blouses.
Something wrong?
You seem a little tense.
No, l'm really not. l'm fine.
Come here. Sit down.
-No, that's okay.
-Come on, come on, come on.
There. Doesn't that feel better? So
l was thinking, after tonight's soiree...
...you and l can slip back to
my place for a nightcapper?
You, me, some cheap champagne,
a little Fleetwood Mac.
-l can't.
-Okay, no Fleetwood Mac.
No.
No, it's not that. l mean, l just--
Really-- l can't. l can't.
Why not?
l have to help Grams.
l can help Grams. Let me come.
-l don't think that's a very good idea.
-Why not?
Because, C.J., l'm breaking up
with you. l'll see you tonight.
Joey?
Yes, Eddie?
We never got a chance
to finish our conversation.
-And what conversation was that?
-About how you're repulsed by me.
-l am not repulsed by you.
-Then why won't you get with me?
Would you stop saying
''get with me''?
-lt's creeping me out.
-Sorry.
And l--
l don't wanna talk about that.
-What?
-You know.
What, sex?
You don't wanna talk about sex?
-No.
-Why?
l don't know. l just-- l don't.
No, l get it. l understand.
l repulse you.
-You don't repulse me.
-lt's okay.
lt's happened to me before.
-lt has?
-No.
Eddie, you know what?
You don't get anywhere
talking about sex.
-You just make me uncomfortable.
-Clearly.
My sweet Lord. Will the two of you
just do it already and be quiet?
l have to go. l have a quiz.
Well, fine. Maybe we can
not talk about this later.
Gladly.
Do you wanna make out?
No.
Good. That was your test, buddy.
You break her heart again
and l'm gonna kill you. You got it?
Yeah.
Have a good one. Thanks.
-Hi.
-Hey.
So is there, like, assigned seats,
or how does this work?
No, it's general admission.
First come, first served.
Great. So if l wanted to sit
by someone specific...
...the best way would
just be to ask him?
Yeah.
So you going with anybody?
-Me?
-Yeah. ls that a problem?
Oh, well, no.
Normally, l wouldn't mind...
...but you'd have to ask
my boyfriend, Jack.
-You rang?
-l thought l'd introduce you...
...to this guy who had the good taste
to hit on me.
-Jack, this is....
-Fred.
-Fred.
-Hi.
-Sorry about that.
-Not a problem. lt's cool.
l mean, it's not cool, of course.
Although l do like to pimp him out
from time to time.
Gotcha.
-lt was nice meeting you.
-You too.
Hi.
-He seemed nice.
-Yeah.
Over about another foot, l think.
Right there.
-Why am l doing this?
-Eating cheese?
No, no, this. l'm not--
l'm not cut out for this.
What if nobody talks?
At least at the help line
l can hang up on them...
...but what if nobody asks any
questions? What am l gonna do?
Run and hide and curl up
in a foetal position...
-...hoping nobody finds you?
-l need a ringer.
-A what?
-A ringer. Somebody to ask...
...preplanned questions
during moments of silence.
Well, don't look at me.
l suffer from glossophobia.
lt's a fear of public speaking.
So my duties tonight
will be strictly limited to ticket-taking...
-...which l will now go do. Good luck.
-Thanks.
-Hi.
-Hi.
So....
So....
What are you doing here?
l'm helping you host the event,
remember?
-Yeah.
-Right.
About what happened earlier--
You know what? l can't really
talk about that right now. l'm sorry. l--
l've got so many notes to go over,
and cold cuts--
l have these really wonderful cold cuts
that l don't want to go to waste.
Okay. Fair enough.
Yeah, l'll just go get ready.
Good.
-Oh, my God. Where is he?
-Who?
Who? Who? Oh, Jen, Jen.
Sweet, sweet Jen.
Amusing fa?ade, it's no use.
You can't keep us apart.
lt's destiny, l tell you. Destiny.
Jen, he was on my plane.
Ladies, ladies. Put the claws back.
No need to fight.
Plenty of room
on the Carolla-coaster for everyone.
l won't meet
the minimum height requirement.
lt's nice to meet you. l gotta go.
Well, what about you?
You wanna hop onboard?
l wasn't talking about you, doofus.
l'm kind of looking for Dr. Drew.
-Pinsky?
-Yes, yes. Do you know where he is?
That geezer's probably out
casket-shopping.
He's old. He's an old man.
He's old enough
to be your grandfather.
Whereas l, l'm just old enough
to be your daddy.
And plus, the guy's a bore.
He's an amazing bore. He never
stops talking about gonorrhoea...
...and hepatitis G.
Believe me, l know.
l have to share a hotel room
with the guy.
-Cheap bastards.
-Oh, my God.
You've shared a room with him?
Tell me something.
Have you seen him naked?
Yes. Yes, l have.
l hate to tell you...
...but in about two minutes,
there's gonna be a riot for that seat.
-Hey, Jack, right?
-Yeah, yeah.
Fred. So where's the boyfriend?
That'd be the question of the hour.
Clearly not where
he's supposed to be.
But it is taken, right?
The seat?
Yeah, you know, l was....
What the hell. lt's all yours.
Just so you know, it's over.
-What is?
-The trust.
-We still talking about this?
-Done, gone, finito.
Deader than disco.
You allowed me to think
that l was good at it.
-Good at what?
-The sweet, tender lovemaking...
...that couples tend to engage in
upon day's end.
You know, you are good at it, okay?
Can we please...
-...stop talking about this?
-No, we can't. The whole point...
...of this evening was for people to get
together and talk about their problems.
We're freaks,
but not those kinds of freaks. Sit.
Lying on the ground, tongue out of his
mouth, vultures flying over his head...
...and goes to the farmer,
''They're just about to land.''
Oh, man, you're definitely
gonna get punched for that.
-l could think of worse things.
-Like not saving your boyfriend's seat?
David, hey. You remember....
l remember.
lt's nice to see you again.
l thought we said
the right side of the stage.
We did.
We-- See, l meant from the front.
lf you look at it from the front,
it's the right...
...but if you're coming from the back,
l could see how you could....
You know, l'm sorry.
lt's my fault. l'll move.
Good idea.
They're both the hosts of the
wildly popular radio show Loveline.
l'd like to take this time
to introduce our esteemed guests:
Dr. Drew and Adam Carolla.
Okay. Well, since
our time here is limited...
...and l'm pretty sure that
everybody knows how this works...
...with no further ado...
...who has the first question?
Okay, not everyone at once.
Jen. Jen, pick me. Lindley!
Anybody.
Anybody.
Bueller?
Bueller?
Come on, you people are in college.
Your crabs have gonorrhoea.
Where's the questions?
l'd actually-- l'd actually like
to pose a question, if l may?
Actually, C.J., l think it's your job
to field the questions, not ask them.
You field, they ask. Field, ask,
field, ask. You see how it works?
That's okay.
We're not worried about form.
So go on, C.J., ask your question.
Okay. Well, there's this girl
that l have--
-Or had a relationship with.
-She was a sex buddy?
No, she--
She was a girlfriend, actually.
And we were together for several
months, up until this morning...
...when she dumped me
like a sack of rotten trash.
No explanation,
no warning, no nothing.
Were there any warning signs?
Any problems in the relationship?
No, none.
Well, l did sleep
with one of her friends.
But just one, right?
-How dare she?
-They don't mind that stuff.
-Can't be that.
-But she knew about it...
...and it was before we got together,
so that doesn't count, right?
Have you simply tried asking
for an explanation?
That's the thing.
Every time l try to talk to her...
...she treats me like
l'm Father Damien.
-He was a leper.
-Oh, sure.
The famous leper, Father Damien.
Drew, you wrote your thesis
on Father Damien, did you not?
All right, listen...
...l say run.
l mean, this chick's a headcase. She's
gonna take you down, l promise--
Thanks, Adam, for that astute insight,
but if you don't mind me saying so...
...l think C.J.'s problems here
are really subordinate...
...to members of this audience
who have actually paid money...
...to listen to your vastly
underqualified advice.
You're so lucky l don't know
what ''subordinate'' means, honey.
So l guess we should
probably just break up, then, huh?
-Will you be quiet?
-l need to know.
Shut up.
Don't tell me to shut up
in front of these people.
What l don't understand, Joe...
...is why is it so hard for you
to talk about sex?
What have we here?
We gotta hear more about this. We got
a wiener in the crowd here, Drew.
Let's get a mike over.
This will make a good question.
Oh, no, that's okay.
There's no problem.
Nope, nope. No problem at all.
Oh, yeah, there's a problem, or you
wouldn't have been screaming...
...like a girl 1 0 seconds ago.
We need to hear this problem.
What is it?
No, it's really-- lt's okay.
lt's not-- lt's not that bad, actually.
Yeah, he likes it that way.
He prefers it, actually.
l'm sorry. l think l missed something.
What's your name?
-Joey. But like l said...
-l'm Eddie.
-...we have no problem.
-Oh, if you say so...
...but l just can't help but wonder,
Adam, should a couple...
...that's not even mature enough
to talk about sex be having sex?
Give me this. That's what l'm saying,
Dr. Drew. lt's exactly what l'm saying.
Not exactly what l'm saying. She's
a little uptight about the whole thing.
-l'm not uptight--
-You are. Don't touch me.
This long-distance relationship's...
...breaking my heart.
Let's get you two up on-stage...
...where we can
thump you like melons.
-What do you guys say?
-Yeah!
Oh, yeah. Absolutely.
Thank you.
Jen.
Jen. l really have a--
Jen.
Just so you know,
l'm going to kill you afterwards.
Okay.
Now, why don't you two start
by telling us about this relationship.
-Well--
-Well-- l'll start.
Well, it's all very simple, actually.
Today, l realized that the girl
that l have been opening my life...
...and baring my naked soul to
for the past six months is a phoney.
Six months. ls that how long
this thing's been going on?
Well, it's hard to tell exactly.
l mean, we met in the fall,
but we really didn't like each other--
Oh, hey, stop.
Okay, look, l had no beef with her...
...but she, l mean, she obviously,
you know, was in love with me...
...in her own
emotionally unstable way.
Emotionally unstable?
-l'm emotionally unstable?
-Look in the mirror.
Who left with no forwarding address
at the first sign...
-...this was getting serious?
-l came back, didn't l?
-No, not willingly.
-l'm sitting here.
-l had to come look for you, didn't l?
-Oh, God.
At a significant loss to my personal
dignity, thank you very much.
And then, to celebrate...
-...he left again.
-And throughout all this...
-...you kept having sex?
-Oh, yeah.
No wonder she's screwed up.
Thank you. Wait a second.
Listen, l don't like
the cut of your jib, son.
l mean, you have sex with her,
then you dump her...
...then you try
to get her trust back...
...except for you abandon her again.
So you've abandoned her twice...
...and now you're perplexed
as to why she won't trust you...
...when you've dumped her
two times?
Are you high, son?
l mean, no wonder she's cut you off.
Drew, if you treated me this way,
l'd cut you off in a heartbeat.
-That's why l treat you right.
-Right.
Joey, is abandonment
a big issue for you?
-No.
-Are you on any medication?
-No.
-ls your dad around?
ls he a big figure in your life?
ls anything going on with him?
You know what, Dr. Drew,
l thank you for everything...
...but l think l've had enough and
l'm gonna head back to my seat now.
Not so fast. Listen, Joey,
nothing to be ashamed of.
Common problems, all right?
Tough to talk about.
l'm sure people call
the help line all the time...
-...with things like this.
-Oh, yeah.
Constantly. There's really nothing
to be embarrassed about.
You're very normal
in your abnormality.
Jen, perhaps there's someone else
in the audience...
...that would like to ask a question.
Oh, yes, yes, with the raised hand.
Who is that?
l'm David and l need to know
what the proper response is...
...when you find your boyfriend flirting
with another guy in front of you?
l wasn't flirting.
Since when is having an idle chat
considered flirting, my friend?
We have a couple of dates,
he thinks he owns me, Drew.
Adam wants to be your boyfriend.
He longs to be gay.
David, was this
a monogamous relationship?
Yeah, l thought it was.
l see. So you're wondering
whether it actually is monogamous.
Well, obviously,
you guys need to talk about this.
You know, a possibility
is he's acting out in front of you...
...because he's trying
to give you a message...
...and he just doesn't have
any other way to tell you.
Maybe he's just
one of those people...
...who's really super nice to everybody
so it seems like he's flirting...
...but actually he's not,
because nobody's that stupid.
So my advice on this one would
just be forgive and forget.
Are you high, missy?
You gotta dump this guy, and l'm not
saying that because he's a gay.
Okay, why don't we go
to Mandy behind the screen.
Mandy, what's your question?
Mandy?
Hi, sorry. No, actually,
my name is Audrey...
...and my question
is specifically for Dr. Drew.
l'm about 5'7'' . l've got blond hair,
blue eyes, great rack.
-Audrey, question. Find it.
-Oh, right. Okay, well....
Several months ago, l realized that
l had a serious problem with alcohol.
l had all these negative feelings
about my life...
...and l was using alcohol
as my escape, you know.
And in the process, l hurt a lot of
people that were very close to me.
And if it hadn't been
for those very same people...
...l probably would not have gotten
the professional help that l needed.
So after spending several weeks in a
rehab facility in Southern California...
...l guess my question to you is this,
Dr. Drew:
How would you like
to go back to my dorm room...
...and play a little game l like to call
Dirty Doctor and Naughty Nurse?
-Yeah!
-Okay.
Audrey, that was touching.
-Let's move on, shall we, to--
-You know, we really haven't had...
...a chance to get a woman's
perspective on some of these matters.
Tell me, Jennifer,
getting back to my problem...
...why do you think this girl
decided to rip my heart out...
...without any explanation?
-Get over it.
-Come on.
lf you ask me, C.J., l think the time
for your problem has come and gone.
Now, since we have with us here
the experts on-stage who are here...
-...to answer people's questions--
-Oh, experts, huh?
A minute ago l was a hack,
now l'm back to expert? That's nice.
Actually, Jennifer, that's not a bad
idea. You should answer this question.
Everyone's here
to support the help line.
Why don't you give them a sample of
what they can get when they call in.
Yeah.
Okay. Well, if you ask me...
...l think that the answer
to that question has many parts.
One, it seems to me that this girl
isn't really out to get you, that maybe...
-...in fact, she's just confused.
-To say the least.
And two, maybe she has a lot
on her plate at the moment...
...so she doesn't feel like she has
the time for a relationship.
-And three?
-That's it.
You can't just start stringing together
a list of reasons and stop at two.
-Says who?
-Says who? Says me. Says Drew.
Says our parents.
Remember your mom said that to me?
-Yeah.
-Okay, fine. You get three.
Listen, l just don't want a boyfriend
at this point in time, okay?
-Wait a minute, wait a minute, Drew.
-'' l don't''?
Drew, this is the headcase he's
talking about. He's talking about her.
No--
Yes. l am the girl
that he is referring to...
...but no, l'm not a headcase.
Oh, wow, this is interesting.
So why did you dump this guy?
Unless you don't feel comfortable
talking about these issues.
No, it's just....
He beats you, right? l knew it.
l could see it in his eyes, Drew.
Seriously, is there something
about this guy you don't like?
Or is it something about him,
about the relationship?
No, no, l like him. l like him.
What's not to like? He's perfect.
He's the perfect living embodiment...
...of everything l've ever wanted
in a boyfriend...
...but never thought
l would actually find.
You're kind, you're caring,
you're sensitive...
...you're not wigged out
by gay people.
He is kind of cute.
He's got a bit of the Spader
working for him.
lf l were to start a boy from scratch,
this is what he would end up as.
All right.
So why would you sabotage this?
Why would you take
someone good...
...someone you described
as wonderful, perfect...
...and just drive them away?
Can we turn this back to Joey?
-She's more screwed up than me.
-Hey.
Hey, were either of you abused
as kids?
-No.
-No.
Joey's dad did some time
in the big house.
Maybe we could bring Jack up here
for some humiliation.
Do not let her change the subject.
l'll get answers from Sally Albright--
At least you have a girlfriend.
Jen, l really need to know
what kind of undergarments....
When we get to L.A., l'm putting this
knee in my agent's groin. This knee.
You know what? lt's over.
l'm obviously not equipped to be here.
lf you have questions
and you need answers...
...you should all call the help line.
Oh, my God. What was it like to be
that close to him? Did you touch him?
How would you like to see him
up close and personal?
You saying
what l think you're saying?
Yes. Take over the hosting duties.
Oh, l thought you wanted me to sing.
Oh, well, a gig's a gig. Thanks.
Okay, people, since our lovely
hostess with the mostest...
...Jen Lindley, picked now
to have a mental breakdown...
...l'll be your Ricki Lake
for the evening. Next question.
You. Funny-shaped head.
What do you got?
Dr. Drew, is it true
that men only want sex...
...and women
only want relationships?
l can tell you that ain't true.
l could tell stories...
...that would boggle your
pea-sized little brain. l once--
Asked this girl to do it
while l was driving...
...but she got all sketchy,
said it wasn't safe.
--to engage in high-risk behaviour.
lf you have, see a doctor immediately.
-And then ask--
-ls someone under 5 feet...
-...considered a midget?
-Official midget height is...
...if l'm wearing a pair of stilettos
and l can rest my--
-This laser's not a magic wand.
-Not a panacea, yeah.
Yeah, people think it's a--
What did you say it was?
Panacea. Cure-all.
During sex, she likes to listen
to Pop Goes the Weasel.
ls that--? ls that weird?
The may be the source
of your sexual dysfunction.
ls it okay to use a vibrator?
Great question. l think he has
some feelings about that.
Well, l did a test with Drew once...
...where l just covered
the left side of his face with--
Whenever you have
an abnormality that way...
...it increases your chances
of being an evil genius.
-l want to know--
-Are you taking any medication?
-Can l get pregnant on a full moon?
-Are you on any medication?
-l've got this bad burning sensation.
-Are you on any medication?
What is the average size
of the male genitalia?
-Fluoxetine.
-l mean really bad.
-Citalopram.
-Like l'm on fire.
Fluvoxamine. Sertraline.
Propion. Buspirone.
How small is small?
A genetic biological disease that
could lead to using large amounts of--
Whipped cream. And make sure
you have plenty of it, or else!
Men who want their women to look
like little boys that cause them--
Depression and anxiety,
which can have both psychological...
...and biological elements to it,
and hopefully--
That answers your question. That's all
the time we have for this evening.
Remember something. lf you find
yourself alone and depressed...
...in a room sitting under a bare bulb
in a pile of your own sick...
...please don't call me,
call the help line.
Have a great evening.
So, what would you say to you, me,
a couple of nonalcoholic beers...
...and a shiny new thermometer?
Baby, you're reading my mind.
What exactly
are we doing back here?
We're looking for Audrey.
Hello, we drove her here.
We can get home
and put this horrid night behind us.
-But we haven't solved our problem--
-Eddie!
Good God, son.
Are you still harping on that?
Why don't you give the girl a break.
Have you taken a look at her lately?
You're lucky a chick that hot
lets you get naked...
...in the same building she's in.
You gotta move on.
How old are you? Fifteen, 1 6?
-l'm 25.
-Twenty-five.
You know what l was doing
when l was 25?
No, but l'm sure
you're gonna tell me.
That's right, l'm gonna tell you.
When l was 25...
...l dreamt of getting with chicks
this hot.
l was in my parents' basement
looking at my raft box.
lt had a picture of a gal on it. She was
wearing a bikini and floating on a raft.
And l just stared at that thing
until l was cross-eyed.
l miss that raft box.
-That's weird.
-Yeah, you're damn right it's weird.
And that's my point.
l'm tired of you college kids
complaining and bellyaching.
When l was in college, we didn't
have chicks that dressed like this.
With their belly T's
and their hip-huggers...
...and their thongs
hanging out the back.
No, no, we had it tough.
Let me ask you a question.
You'd be with this guy if you thought
you could trust him, right?
-Yeah.
-There you go, sport.
All you gotta do is gain her trust
and you're in like Flynn.
All right? All right.
Well, my work is done here.
l'm gonna get some cheese.
-So is that true? You don't trust me?
-Well, can you blame me?
No.
Eddie...
...we're living this fantasy.
And we've been doing it
ever since you got back.
And as nice as the fantasy is...
...it's gonna have to end
sooner or later.
Well, since you put it that way, Joey,
l choose later.
Look, l understand how you feel
and l'm sorry l gave you a hard time...
...but there's nothing l can say
to earn your trust.
So you're just gonna
have to take a leap of faith.
Okay, and know that l love you
more than anything in this world.
Okay?
-Okay, come on.
-Where are we going?
Back to my room
before Audrey gets back.
But we drove her here. She's not
gonna be able to get back to--
Exactly!
You know...
...tonight doesn't have to be
a complete disaster.
lf we hurry,
we can still make it to the bars.
Maybe you can find some guy
l can openly flirt with.
-Am l supposed to be amused by that?
-Yes, David, you are.
But since you're not...
...you should say what you wanna say
and get this over with.
-You don't have anything to say?
-Honestly, no.
Because in my mind, there's nothing
worth even talking about.
lt's just a stupid misunderstanding...
...that you seem intent
on blowing up into a much larger deal.
Okay.
So just to clarify, l'm crazy and you're
not gonna even attempt an apology.
l was talking with the guy, David.
That's it.
lt's like Jen said, all right? l'm just--
l was being nice.
l'm not communicating anything.
l don't want you to feel bad.
You know what?
l'm beginning to think l should have
trusted my original instincts about you.
What the hell is that
supposed to mean?
Look, if you wanna break up with me
over something this minor, just do it.
-That's the first place you go?
-What?
Maybe you've been
hanging out with Jen so long...
...you've become the same person.
For a master communicator,
you're not expressing yourself well.
We were having a little argument
and in two seconds you snowball it...
-...into something catastrophic.
-Right. l manage.
-And you weren't passive-aggressive.
-l'm not looking for a way out.
-And l am?
-lf you're bored...
-...or in over your head, say so.
-Did l say that?
Fine. But l am not just gonna dump
you so you can walk away guilt-free.
Guilt-free--
David, l am guilt-free.
l didn't do anything wrong.
-Right.
-What? Great, you're leaving now?
Yes. And l'm gonna make this
really simple for you.
Either apologize to me
or break up with me.
Oh, fine, okay. Whatever. Sorry.
No. No, no, no.
l deserve better than that.
Take a day. Hell, take a week.
Think about it.
And let me know what you decide.
Wait, C.J. Wait. Let me explain.
-Will you please let me explain?
-l think l've heard all l need to hear.
Look, l need to talk to you.
l need your help.
Oh, you need my help?
Well, you said it earlier.
-Why don't you call the help line.
-Okay, l will.
Oh, man, l really hope
somebody picks up.
l'm not gonna do this.
You've got a crazy girl
on the other end of the line.
She might do something irrational
if she doesn't talk to somebody.
-Hello?
-Hi. ls this the help line?
-Yes.
-Because you didn't say, '' help line.''
Hello. Help line.
Who am l speaking with?
You didn't give me your name.
Hello. Help line. This is C.J.
Do you have a crisis?
Hi, C.J.
-You have a very sweet voice.
-Do you have a crisis or not?
Yes, l do.
And you sound like somebody
that l could trust.
And somebody who could be
endlessly sympathetic...
...with a girl
who has a lot of problems.
Oh, well, isn't that ironic?
Considering l just got dumped today
by a girl with a lot of problems.
Or maybe she doesn't
have any problems.
Personally, l wouldn't know,
because she doesn't confide in me.
Well...
...the thing is that maybe...
...this girl realizes
she made a mistake...
...but she doesn't know
what to do about it.
Well, maybe she needs
to start realizing...
...that whatever the problem is,
her boyfriend is not the enemy.
Right. Well, see--
Now, that's the thing about this girl.
She has a tendency to subscribe
to self-destructive behaviours...
...in her life, and that when one part
of her life isn't going well...
...she has this desire to destroy
everything else going on.
And plus, she's never really been
able to trust anybody before, so--
Everybody's gotta start sometime.
So, what? So, what do l do?
l just-- l just--
l just say what it is
that's bothering me...
...and then l look up
and you're still there?
That's what this
boyfriend thing's about.
lf you don't want a boyfriend,
l can certainly--
She's sick.
My Grams is sick.
And she has been
keeping it from me...
...and it's the reason she broke up
with your Uncle Bill...
...and l don't know what else
she's been keeping from me.
l don't know
what's gonna happen...
...l don't know what l'm gonna do,
l don't know anything about anything.
And so l had a freak-out,
one freak-out. ls that okay?
Yes.
Yeah. Take as many as you need.
-Just the man l was looking for.
-l knew you'd come around.
-They always do.
-Yeah. Where's Dr. Drew?
Again with the Pinsky?
Listen, l hate to tell you,
but your beloved Dr. Drew...
...not so great
with the staying power.
-What?
-He went to the airport after the gig.
But...
...l never got any personal face time
with him.
-What are you still doing here?
-l like to hang behind at these things...
...see if l can scrape up
a little coed tail.
Has that ever worked for you?
No. No, it hasn't.
Joey?
Jen! Jack! Anybody!
Could this night suck any harder?
There are more productive ways
to manage aggression.
Listen, buddy--
Hi. Dr. Drew, l--
l wasn't angry just now. l was just--
l was practicing for a play.
-You know, ''Stella, Stella,'' all that.
-Oh, you're an actress?
Well...
...l am, but more so in life,
l guess, than in art.
l have a bit of a flair
for the dramatic.
-You don't say.
-Yeah.
Although...
...l should kind of point out
l wasn't entirely lying about...
...the whole rehab thing.
l mean, it happened,
that whole part of my life.
And it wasn't pretty...
...having to face myself and all that.
But every night,
after a long day's whining...
...l would lie in bed
and l'd bug my roommate...
...by listening to you guys give advice
to those other losers...
...out there in radioland.
And l don't know. lt just--
lt made me feel less alone.
So....
Well, l guess l just want
to say thank you...
...for being you.
And the truth is...
...l don't know if l could've done it
without you.
Plus you're, like, totally hot.
-Do you want a ride?
-l would love one.
But l know you're married,
so we must keep our distance, Drew.
l'll try.
So you must have, like,
a boatload of groupies, huh?
A few.
Yeah. Don't you kind of
hate girls like that?