Dave (2020–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - Hypospadias - full transcript
Ally tries to open Dave up to new sexual experiences but inadvertently exposes his deepest, darkest insecurities. Dave asks his friends for advice about satiating Ally's newfound appetites.
-Mom.
-Yes?
-Okay. I want
a big party this year.
-Serious?
-I want a quinceañera.
-Quinceañera?
We can't do that.
We're too white for that.
We're not allowed.
*
Are you...
sure this is okay?
Should we be doing this?
It's just Dave.
Yeah. Okay.
Do it.
You can go under the bra.
YOUNG DAVE (over phone):
Elz, I felt them up
at the exact same time.
Oh, my God,
the breast meat is
the best kind of meat.
It's amazing.
It's so soft.
It's just... it's awesome.
-You felt them both up?
-And then Kayla said...
(echoing):
Now we want to feel you up.
YOUNG ELZ: There's no way
you let them touch your dick.
Actually, uh, uh...
I have AIDS.
Wait. What?!
CAROL:
David, hang up the phone
and come to our room right now.
-Mom?
-I've been listening
the whole time!
Right now!
DON:
They were doing what?
He was in a threesome with
Kayla Waters and Mallory Parker.
DON: A-A threesome?
You're having sex?!
CAROL:
Well, he felt them up.
They're sitting around playing
grab-ass every day.
W-Wait a minute.
What does that mean?
He-he felt their breasts?
Did they touch your penis?
This friend group is
way too fast for you, David.
What does it even matter?!
My dick is too messed up
to show a girl anyways!
What do you even mean
by that, David?
You...
Like... from the surgeries?
Yes!
Oh. I didn't know
this was still an issue
for you, honey.
I mean, beyond cosmetically,
is there
a functionality problem,
-or is it...
-Functionality
is not the issue, Don.
It's the scarring,
the mislocated pee hole,
the second pee hole.
Well, the second pee hole,
there's an easy fix to that,
as I recall.
There's another procedure.
I'm not wearing a diaper
for a year!
He doesn't want to wear
a diaper! He's fine
just plugging up the second hole
with his finger when he pees.
-We already decided that, Don.
-Okay.
How can I ever use it
with a girl? It's scarred.
It leaks. It's small.
It's...
Well, size doesn't matter,
sweetheart.
That's a myth.
Your father has a small penis.
It's average.
It is.
In America.
*
MIKE:
I disagree. No.
No, I-I told you,
I loved A Star Is Born.
I think it's a fantastic film.
*
(door closes)
(groans)
(woman on video speaks
indistinctly)
WOMAN:
Oh, you look so hard.
Yeah.
(woman moaning)
(grunting)
(grunting loudly)
(panting)
(panting)
(exhales)
(closes zipper)
All right, man,
I'm going to the studio.
-Have a very productive day.
-I love you.
MIKE:
I love you.
-* I ate her ass *
-(gasps)
* She came, I gasped... *
-(music stops)
-Another.
Run it back, yep.
-* I ate her ass *
-(gasps)
-* She came... *
-(music stops)
-No?
-It's been too long.
-How you been?
Look at you,
you sweet baby face.
Well, I try.
DAVE:
I can't hear you.
-ELZ: Oh. Press the button.
-ALLY: Oh.
Hi! Surprise.
DAVE:
Hello. What a...
Yeah, what a surprise.
Is that a buffalo chicken
cheesesteak from Frank's?
-Yes. Good eye.
-Good idea, my cherub.
You're an angel sent from...
the Euphrates.
(chuckles)
That's in Iraq, but thank you.
-There's nothing wrong
with Iraq.
-I'm gonna set it over here.
DAVE (echoing):
How's your day going? Good?
So good.
Ooh, you sound... really cool.
DAVE (echoing):
Do I? Uh. Uh.
Uh-ooh! Yeah.
Let's not act like it's you
doing it yourself, though.
There's, like,
mad plug-ins right now,
so he sounds like
an actual rapper.
Every rapper has delay
and reverb; it's very standard.
Ooh, I like it.
(echoing): Well,
I couldn't be more appreciative
of that sandwich.
I love you.
We have to finish this song.
-Okay.
-Can I FaceTime you
in a little bit
-when I get out of here
and we can...
-Okay.
Wait, wait, wait.
What's the actual rush?
Dave's making magic.
I'm here.
Uh, duh.
(laughs)
Okay.
I'd like to see
the magic happen.
If that's...
It's not that magical.
All I'm doing is breathing.
It's not necessarily
the most entertaining moment
-to see me in the studio.
-ALLY: I...
-live for breathing; I love it.
-(chuckles)
Great, run it back. Let's do
another... breath, please.
* It is weird yet lit *
* What a chain of events *
* I've been fucking *
* I ate her ass *
* She came, I gasped *
-(gasps)
-* I went... *
DAVE:
That was actually
a fairly good one.
And make the delay like,
"Ass, ass, ass, ass."
Like, fully wet "ass."
And stack them and...
-What do you call it? Uh...
-Moses.
Moses that fuckin' shit.
* I ate her ass,
she came, I gasped... *
-(gasps)
* I went again,
won't make my bed *
* My mom got pissed,
she said, "Don't rap." *
-Okay.
-You like that?
Uh... Mm.
I like the spirit of it.
In practice...
You know, I do just...
I had, like, so many
well-organized things there.
Uh, can I just, like...
'Cause I won't be able
to get past the...
-Okay. I'll meet you on the bed.
-Let me just...
straighten up,
tidy up a little bit.
Just a few choice items.
That'd be over here.
Turn the light down, like that.
Okay.
I'm just gonna angle
this lamp like that.
-I know, I'm just
in the unbuttoning process.
-Mm-hmm.
(sighs): And we are...
getting real close to blastoff.
Skinny jeans these days,
you know?
(Ally laughs)
I'm very thirsty.
And I just want to nip this
in the bud before...
we get too far down
the rabbit hole.
(exhales):
Ah...
That was important.
-Mm-hmm. You good?
-Where were we?
(Ally laughs)
-I-I can't.
-No, no, no. No, no.
-I can't.
-I'm so close,
I'm so close, I'm so close.
I can't hold my weight up.
I can't. I'm... taxed.
Okay, get up, get up.
I'll turn around.
Oh, you... Oh.
-Backwards.
-(whispers): Yeah.
(both panting)
-Eat my ass.
-Huh?
(moaning, grunting)
ALLY:
Ooh.
(both panting)
Did you say something
at the end?
No, I-I...
You said something.
No. It was nothing.
Did you ask me to eat your ass?
Yeah.
-(whispers): Yeah.
-That's what you said?
Yeah.
Were you, were you joking?
No.
-You were being serious?
-Yeah, I wasn't joking.
You were inside of me.
I wasn't making a joke.
You want me to eat your ass?
I did, yeah. Yes.
Al, I would never eat your ass
in a million years.
I'm just being really open
about that. Like, that's...
-Wow.
-And when I say "your,"
I do not mean, like,
your, like, asshole is worse
than, like, the typical asshole.
I would never eat
Rachel McAdams's asshole.
-I would never eat...
Beyoncé's asshole.
-Okay.
I would eat your ass
if you asked.
I would never put you
through that. Are you kidding?
My asshole is one of the most
disgusting places on Earth.
There's always debris and,
like, cake down there.
-You don't want to eat that.
-Cake?
Yeah. You don't want to find out
what that means.
Okay, well, I only said it
because of your song.
And you were rapping about it,
and I thought you might like it
and I might like it,
and it'd be fun
-to do together.
-I totally understand
what's happening now--
you heard it in the song.
Yeah.
Rap is a very
sexually charged genre.
Just 'cause you hear me
say something in a song
does not mean
that's what I want to do.
I'm just kind of, like, giving
the people what they want.
Okay, well, what do you want?
What do you want to do?
-About what?
-Sexually.
-Enlighten me.
-Uh, you don't-- you know,
I think you--
I don't think that, you know,
I don't think
there's much you don't know.
Like, missionary.
I like when you flip around.
No. I mean, okay,
what do you jerk off to?
Like, regular porn, honestly.
Like porn.
-What kind of porn?
What do you watch?
-Uh, HD.
-Dave.
-I'm serious. Like, high...
-I'm serious, too.
-High-- You'd be shocked
at how many things are, like,
below 720, and you get in there
-and you're handcuffed.
-Okay, but, like, what's
the weird thing that you watch?
-Everybody has, like,
a weird thing.
-Uh, I don't know.
-I don't have a weird thing.
Like, I...
-Yes, you do.
-Come on. Tell me. Tell me.
-Milking porn.
(gasps softly)
-Oh, yeah, I'm gonna get
under you now.
-ALLY: Okay, I get it.
So there's a big board
with a hole in it,
and the penis goes in the hole.
Yeah.
And then, I would go under it,
and that's the milking,
is the jerking off.
-Or would you want--
Do you want me to blow you?
-No, no, no.
-I could blow-- Like...
-No, no...
I don't want you to do any
of this to me. That's...
You asked me the weirdest thing
I've ever jerked off to; like,
this is what popped
into my head.
This is not me saying,
"Let's go do this."
Okay. I'm not, like,
-judging you or...
-Yeah. What?
-What?
-No, I know. Good.
-Is that-- Are we good?
-Y-Yeah. Yeah.
You're-- Uh, yeah.
-Okay.
-Milking.
Milking. Let's go to bed.
-Okay.
-Good night.
Good night.
-(sighs)
-I love you.
I love you as well.
MIKE:
Oh. I keep logging out
of my Apple I.D.,
and now I'm not gonna be able
to stream this Phish show.
-This is so annoying.
-What's Phish, bro?
-It's a band.
-Oh, that's why Dave's
all in a fucking trance.
'Cause he can't stream
his Phish.
No, I'm in a trance
because you ruined my life
and you let Ally stay
on the session.
She heard the rap I had
about eating ass,
and now she wants me
to eat her ass
and do all these
crazy sexual things.
-You hear this?
-Yeah. You've ruined my life.
Thank you for allowing that.
Hold on, bro.
You be eating ass?
-No.
-We are just clearing a table,
but we can seat you
if you'll come this way.
Oh, amazing. Thank you so much.
Bro, you're upset with me
because she wants
to have cooler sex with you?
-I don't understand that.
-Yeah, exactly.
I don't want to have cooler sex.
I like my sex the way it is
where it's plain
and there's zero expectations.
I don't want to have to feel
like, "Oh, this girl needs
-her appetite whet,"
uh, you know?
-MIKE: Very smart.
That's how love lasts.
Boring sex. Smart.
Uh, it's 'cause you're
uncomfortable about your...
Yeah, yeah. Duh.
Hold on. Ain't no room for
no inside info at this table.
What's going on?
Catch me up to speed.
You can't tell anybody. They're,
like, the only two people
-that know this.
-Don't tell anybody.
-I'm not, man.
-DAVE: I'm serious. I'm...
-He's being dead serious.
-I'm-I'm locked in.
All right, so I have
birth defects on my penis,
and, like,
I had to have surgery on it.
Ah, I'm cool, bro.
I ain't trying to hear
all that, bro; we about to eat.
-Oh, okay. Well...
-MIKE: Yeah, it's really gross.
-ELZ: It's disgusting.
-It's-it's as gross
as you think it is.
-Ally doesn't even
know about it.
-GATA: So your girl
-has never seen your dick?
-Correct.
-That's crazy.
-Yeah. I control the lighting.
-Next subject.
Let's keep it rolling.
-What does she want
me to do? Start talking dirty
or something? Like...
Yeah. That's what people do.
They talk dirty during sex.
-Out of nowhere?
-Yes.
-That's what everybody does.
You're supposed to nibble
on her ear like Mike Tyson.
-All that type of stuff, bro.
You supposed to do all of that.
-I can't.
It's so out of character. I
can't all of a sudden just be,
like, a different person.
Like, that's crazy.
-What do you say, Gata?
-I say things like,
"Baby, your beauty is inspiring.
"You're the best thing
I've seen all day.
You're a fine display
of greatness at its greatest."
Can I have your phone number,
or no?
Uh, I don't have a phone.
Um, I'll be back to take
your order in a moment. Okay?
I'm impressed by the way
you talk to girls.
You have no fear,
even in today's climate,
-of being yourself.
-GATA: What?
He's talking about
the #MeToo movement.
-Oh. I'm with all of that.
-Yeah. Sexual harassment.
-But shit, I got to be me, too.
-Yeah.
All right. Can we get back
to the issue here?
What am I supposed to say
when I fuck my girlfriend?
-Okay. Yeah. Go-go ahead, Elz.
-Am I first?
Spit in her mouth.
-Oh, my God.
-DAVE: I say, "Open your mouth,"
-and I go... (spits)
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
-She's gonna think I have...
like, I'm having, like,
a brain aneurysm.
-You got to try these things.
-All of this shit
is so ridiculous.
I'm not gonna be like,
"Oh, you need this."
-Who the fuck
says things like that?
-No. What the fuck are you
-talking about?
-What is this, '70s porno?
-Yeah.
Okay, great.
What do you say, hotshot?
Why are you being so weird
about this? Why don't you
just, like, watch porn with her?
Everybody does that
-with their girlfriend.
-DAVE: Yeah, why don't I say,
"Hey, Al.
Let me load up a video of a guy
with an 11 and a half-inch cock
made of meat."
-MIKE: Yeah.
-DAVE: "You can compare it
-to my shredded wheat dick..."
-Hold up.
Hold up, man. Where the fuck
is my grill at, man?
I just had it right here
in a black napkin, man.
What the fuck?
-MIKE: What?
-Where the hell is my grill?
-Y'all not paying attention?
-ELZ: Not to your grill.
I don't give a fuck
about your grill.
He was cleaning up the table.
-DAVE: Okay, well...
-GATA: It's gone, though.
Is this, like,
a million-dollar grill?
-What's the...?
-Dude, I paid $300 for it, bro.
All right. Think of it as, like,
one night of Hanukkah.
It's not a huge deal.
Oh, and then there you go.
Just like that. Problem solved.
-Doctor Zhivago.
-My nigga, dude.
(chuckles)
My nigga.
-The busboy had it.
-Thank you, bro.
I wouldn't expect y'all
to relate to it.
-I'm from the trenches, bro.
-What do you mean?
Don't loop me in
with these fucking guys.
I'm from the West Side
of Chicago.
Yeah, don't loop me in
with this guy, either.
Look at me. We the same.
This nigga,
you know what I'm saying?
Everybody keeps saying, "Ooh,
you're the rich black kid."
No, I'm not the rich black kid.
My parents have money.
-But when I left...
-(Dave and Mike laugh)
-That has nothing to do with me.
-MIKE: That's the same shit.
I can do something
for you, too, man.
I can fix that streaming issue
you having to watch Phish.
-Can you seriously do that?
-GATA: Dude,
I'm like a black
Neil deGrasse Tyson.
-He is black.
-I know.
-DAVE: Hey.
-Oh.
How do I fuck my girlfriend?
It was just, like, such a shock
to hear him talk so explicitly
in his music.
Like, real Dave...
(sniffs)
-Oh, throw that away.
-Yeah.
Real Dave would never talk
like that. Like, it was
so manly
and, like, aggressive and hot.
-And, like...
-That's good.
-Right? Yeah.
And I was like, fuck it.
-Yeah.
I'll just fucking ask.
And then now it's
the most uncomfortable dyna--
It's insane
how uncomfortable it is now.
I love getting my ass eaten.
My last boyfriend liked that
more than fucking me.
Just lived down there.
That sounds so tight.
(sighs) And it sucks
because it has been great.
Like, I really have figured out
how to make myself come
really consistently,
which never happened with Rob.
I fucking hated Rob.
Wait. What do you mean,
make yourself come?
Dave doesn't make you come?
No, Dave...
It's-it's Dave's penis
inside of me.
Well, what is the sex like?
Do y'all fuck in silence?
No. There's passion and...
moaning.
-He moans.
-Moans?
So, y-you just lay there,
and he's silently humping you
and moaning?
Do you make eye contact?
No.
I close my eyes to-to focus.
-To escape reality?
-No!
I'm not--
I'm saying I am, like...
you know,
focusing on picturing Dave.
Just, like,
a different version of Dave.
You're a teacher, Al.
You were made for this moment,
you know?
You just got to, like...
unlock him.
You know what I mean?
Just unlock him.
MIKE:
Yeah, we used to have a Regal.
And my dad likes the sauce,
so he got drunk
and smashed it against the tree.
Then we had a Cutlass.
That was my favorite family car.
-Damn, y'all had the Cutty?
For real?
-Mm-hmm.
-Them motherfuckers
is hard, bro.
-Yeah, they're...
What's up, bitch-ass nigga?
-What's up with you, bro?
-Do you see
what time it is, nigga?
Fuck all that talking.
-What's happening, nigga?
-Step up, then.
GATA:
I'm right here. You're doing
all that woofing, bro.
All that barking and shit.
-Step up then, nigga.
-MAN: Hey!
-Nigga, what's up, bro?
-Bitch ass.
I'm calling the cops.
-For what?
-Man, you lucky
-he gonna call the police.
-For what?
-Take it outside!
Nigga, he ain't about to do
nothing. He just talking, man.
You know where I'll be at, bro.
-Pop out, my nigga.
-CAZ: I'm-a see both y'all.
You and Ed Sheeran's bitch ass.
-I'm-a take one of these.
-Hey, you got to pay for that.
-Put it on that bitch-ass
nigga's tab.
-Oh, for real?
Oh, yeah, put it on my tab
'cause you ain't got no money,
though.
Damn, they got
Orange Vanilla Coke
in this motherfucker?
That's crazy.
This is crazy.
Where do you think
they import this from?
This shit look just like
your fucking hair, bro.
That's crazy.
Hey, don't worry
about that, bro.
How much you want for this,
papi?
(bottles clinking)
Aw, man. All we got is Stella,
Gata. You good with that?
-Yeah, I'm good.
But is it rosé, though?
-(bottle opens)
No, it's... it's beer.
Oh, that's cool, bro. I was
just expecting the finer things.
Hey, what was up with that guy
from the convenience store?
Oh, you worried about that old
poo-butt-ass nigga, bro?
Yeah, well, what-whatever, man.
(chuckles): I-I got shook,
I'm not gonna lie.
You-you handled it so well, man.
I'm-I'm trying to be like that.
You know, more Zen.
You were so calm.
Can you, like, see what's up
with the remote, though?
'Cause I'm trying
to watch this shit
-you over here
all excited about.
-Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.
*
Oh, shit, Gata!
What the fuck? You're the man.
How did you do that?
GATA:
I used to work for Geek Squad.
That's Phish.
Let's have some Phish, baby.
-Yeah. You like this?
Is this good?
-Hell yeah.
MIKE:
You get high, right?
Come on, man.
-Pass that bud, please.
-(chuckles)
(Transylvanian accent):
The bud is right here.
This is the vampire bud.
(both laugh)
(regular voice):
Have you biting people.
(sniffs)
Smell that.
-Oh, this is some bomb bomb.
-Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
But when they gonna stop
warming up, though?
Oh, no. This is the whole show.
This is what they do
the whole time, man.
Feel that. Feel that.
Feel that, dude.
(grunts)
(Ally moans)
(both breathing heavily)
Please.
What?
-I said please.
-Okay.
-You like that?
-Yeah.
Yeah. What do you,
what do you like specifically?
-(panting)
-Uh, uh...
Your feminine energy.
(grunts)
Yeah.
Do you like how that feels?
Yeah. It feels...
just ideal.
You're so hard.
-I'm as hard as I can be.
I'm fully...
-Mm-hmm.
-I'm boned.
-Uh-huh.
-I'm fully hard.
-(panting)
(panting)
Yeah.
-Yeah. Yeah.
-(grunts)
Your pussy is premium.
(stammers)
Prime-time.
What do you want?
Uh, what do I want?
Yeah. What do you want, Dave?
Tell me what you want.
-I want every fucking nook.
-Okay.
-I want the whole kit
and caboodle...
-Uh-huh. It's yours.
-Give me the full pussy.
-Uh-huh.
-Give me your full pussy
right now.
-It's yours.
-Give me the puss.
-Where do you want to come?
Uh... There. Within you.
I mean, you can feel
how soaked I am, right?
-Uh-huh.
-With gush.
-(moaning)
-Oh, my God.
-Are you gonna cream?
-Mm-hmm.
-You're gonna come?
-Mm-hmm.
Cream.
-Come.
-Okay.
-Precum. Please come.
-You want me to come?
-Give me everything.
Give me everything.
-Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.
-Come. Come. Yeah, come.
-Okay, baby. Okay.
-Come. Do it. Come. Come.
-Okay, I'm coming. I'm coming.
I'm coming.
(moaning)
(grunting)
(both panting)
Oh, my God.
(both panting)
That was...
great.
Amen, brother.
(exhales)
Did you come?
Yeah.
(both panting)
(sighs)
(sighs softly)
*
(grunts)
(exhales)
(grunting)
ALLY:
Dave?
-(knocking, doorknob rattling)
-Occupied!
-I got to pee.
-Uh...
Okay, well, I'm pooping!
Can I have a second?
I can hear you walking around.
Yeah. I stand when I wipe.
-Okay. Please hurry.
I got to go.
-Uh...
Okay, what about--
Mike's not home.
Can you-- Just go in the sink.
I'm not gonna pee in the sink.
Can you be quick?
I have to go.
All right, well...
Okay, just hurry up.
Please, please, please,
please, please, please.
Are you okay?
Yes, I'm just wiping!
-Will you hurry up?
I really have to go.
-I'm finishing!
(toilet flushing)
-Go. Geez Louise.
-Oh, my God. Thank you,
thank you, thank you,
-thank you, thank you.
-Uh, I don't know.
Must've tracked this in here.
(exhales)
-(urinating)
-(sighs)
Very strong pee-- I can tell
it was, in fact, urgent.
I know. I wasn't, like--
Jesus Christ! What the fuck
is that?
Dave, what is that?
What-what is that?
It is...
called a Fuck Me Silly 3.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God,
please take it out.
-Take it out?
-Please take it out.
A Fuck Me Silly, Da--
Oh, my God.
Why is it so heavy?
Where is the other half?
Oh, my God!
Dave, do you fuck this?
You know, you just asked me
three questions.
Why is it so heavy?
I assume, uh,
to simulate humanity.
-Oh, my God.
-Top half?
I don't know anything
about that. And...
We just had great sex.
What are you... doing?
You say we have great sex.
To me, that sex was,
like, unbearable!
-It was, like, warfare.
-Unbearable?!
Yeah, I was, like,
surviving and advancing.
I felt like
I was just surviving.
I hate talking about how,
like, wet your pussy is
-or how hard my dick is.
-Okay, so you don't like
talking dirty,
-but you like fucking Jell-O
with feet?
-Yeah.
Maybe I like doing it 'cause it
doesn't ask anything of me
and it has no expectations.
I don't have to, like,
choke it or yell at it
as I fuck it.
-I can just be in and out
and do my business.
-I didn't ask you to do any
of those things, right?
I just asked you to be open
and, like, try something new.
And I asked you,
"What's the weirdest thing
you jerked off to?"
And this fucking A.I. bullshit
didn't occur to you, Dave?
Well, it's not A.I.
And I don't, like,
look at it and jerk off.
I don't jerk off to it.
I didn't lie.
Right. You make love to it.
-That's what I should've asked.
-I don't make love.
-It's platonic. It's...
-Cool.
So, sex
with your human girlfriend
is unbearable warfare,
and you can't even tolerate
having, like,
a conversation
with me about sex?
And I-I feel like I'm trying
to figure out what you want,
and you're just not telling me
the truth.
Like, what am I
missing here, okay?
I feel like I'm taking
crazy pills!
I was born
with a fucked-up dick!
Dave, your penis is normal.
Uh, you've--
you have never seen my dick.
Yes, I have.
I know you think you ha--
Um, honestly, like,
it's my life's work to make sure
you don't see it.
Like, I spend every moment
plotting the lighting
and the angles.
If you've seen it,
-what does my dick look like?
-It looks
like a fucking dick, Dave.
Now I know you haven't seen it.
-You're leaving?
-Yes.
We're talking in circles,
and you clearly don't want
to talk.
I was born
with a tangled urethra.
So, when I came out,
they did surgery on me.
Okay?
There's scarring down there.
I also have a birth defect
called hypospadias
that one in 300 guys have,
where the pee hole
isn't in the center of the head.
It's, like-- For me, it's on
the underneath part of my head.
There were also these small
black dots on my dick
that looked like poppy seeds.
I got 'em removed,
'cause it was humiliating.
And one of the poppy seeds
got removed too far
on the underside of my shaft,
so now, when I pee,
it's out of two different holes,
like a Super Soaker.
That's why I pee sitting down.
If I didn't pee sitting down,
I would just piss
all over my own body.
And when I'm in public
and I'm at a urinal,
I clog the second hole
with my finger.
There's just a lot of stuff.
Why is this the first time
I'm hearing about it?
I don't know, Al.
There was never a great time
to pull you aside and say,
"Hey, my dick
looks like an old pile
of worms."
Don't leave.
Show me.
No.
I love you. I know
it'll make me feel better.
I think
it'll make you feel better.
Al, first off,
I'm soft as a mouse.
I'm not gonna show you
this vers...
That was easy.
Yeah.
Trust me.
(sighs)
Okay. Cool.
That's a stand-up boner.
-I love you.
-I love you.
(kisses)
I love it.
Great.
Good night.
-(sighs)
-(TV playing indistinctly)
(phone chimes)
WEATHERMAN:
Increasing cloudiness tomorrow.
Sticky and humid
with a high of 96.
With the winds out of the east
at 14 miles per hour,
it's currently 75 degrees...
(crickets chirping)
What on earth is going on?
(singsongy):
Surprise!
It's your very own
milking table.
How did you...
Just get on the table,
put your dick in the hole
and I'm gonna milk
the cream out of you.
This is unbelievable.
Did you, like, hire, like,
-a TaskRabbit to do this?
-Okay, so I've been thinking
about it.
I think that you jerk off
to milking table porn
because it's just the dick
and the girl.
Right? So it's
your biggest insecurity.
It's your biggest fear.
Which means
it's your ultimate fantasy.
Oh, my God.
Yeah.
And, last night,
we did what I wanted to do.
So, tonight, we could do
what you want to do.
And, tomorrow,
we could do what we want.
And that's intimacy, right?
-Mm.
-I love you so much.
I love you.
Not only are you gonna milk me,
I'm gonna milk you.
Mandatory strip right now.
I'm eating your asshole.
-Do it right now.
Take off your clothes.
-Really?
-Mandatory strip.
That's right. Yeah.
-Oh, my God.
Get up there right now.
I'm gonna milk your asshole.
(grunts) I feel like,
f-for me, it's not milking.
It-It's more like a gerbil
and its bottle.
Whatever it is, let's do it.
-I'm ready to ride the momentum.
-Okay.
* What a girl wants,
what a girl needs *
* What a girl wants,
what a girl n... *
(garage door opening)
Yo.
I'm just-- I'm just gonna park
on the street.
(garage door closing)
* Whoo, whoo, I'm still a kid,
look at my dick *
-* But I make these hits
that'll shape your kids *
-* Yeah *
* If I shake my hips,
they'll display their tits *
* It is weird yet lit *
* What a chain of events *
* I've been fucking *
* I ate her ass *
* She came, I gasped *
* I went again *
-* Won't make my bed *
-* What? *
* My mom got pissed *
-* She said, "Don't rap" *
-* What? *
* Guess what, I did *
* Oh, yeah, all my haters' hands
up on their heads *
-* Oh *
-* I'm abusing substances *
-* With guys in the NFL *
-* Whoa *
* I just stole a Perrier
from Kodak Black *
* From his dressing room,
while he was onstage *
* I was thirsty,
back up off me *
* This is just hip-hop *
* But my shit pop *
-* I wear flip-flops *
-* Where? *
* To my biz ops *
-* Ain't no wristwatch *
-* Why? *
* Pretty women all up
on my arm *
* I don't think I need to
get more charm. *
-I'm a
once-in-a-generation artist.
-Oh.
Who just got verified
on Twitter, about,
what, nine days ago?
I'm glad you feel good
that a robot told you
you're worth it.
* Hi, I'm Dave *
Do me a favor?
Never look me in the eye again.
Okay? 'Cause your stare
is way too intense.
It's starting to make
my hair fall out.
CHILDREN: Mummy! Mummy!
(high-pitched voice)
Mummy isn't here.
Try next door.
CHILDREN: Mummy!
WOMAN: Oh, my God.
No, got the wrong house.
What is Devs?
What is Devs?
What is Devs?
What is Devs?
What is Devs?
What is Devs?
-(inaudible)
-What is Devs?
(screams)
-(operatic singing)
-(chattering)
MAN: Check!
Check.
-Yes?
-Okay. I want
a big party this year.
-Serious?
-I want a quinceañera.
-Quinceañera?
We can't do that.
We're too white for that.
We're not allowed.
*
Are you...
sure this is okay?
Should we be doing this?
It's just Dave.
Yeah. Okay.
Do it.
You can go under the bra.
YOUNG DAVE (over phone):
Elz, I felt them up
at the exact same time.
Oh, my God,
the breast meat is
the best kind of meat.
It's amazing.
It's so soft.
It's just... it's awesome.
-You felt them both up?
-And then Kayla said...
(echoing):
Now we want to feel you up.
YOUNG ELZ: There's no way
you let them touch your dick.
Actually, uh, uh...
I have AIDS.
Wait. What?!
CAROL:
David, hang up the phone
and come to our room right now.
-Mom?
-I've been listening
the whole time!
Right now!
DON:
They were doing what?
He was in a threesome with
Kayla Waters and Mallory Parker.
DON: A-A threesome?
You're having sex?!
CAROL:
Well, he felt them up.
They're sitting around playing
grab-ass every day.
W-Wait a minute.
What does that mean?
He-he felt their breasts?
Did they touch your penis?
This friend group is
way too fast for you, David.
What does it even matter?!
My dick is too messed up
to show a girl anyways!
What do you even mean
by that, David?
You...
Like... from the surgeries?
Yes!
Oh. I didn't know
this was still an issue
for you, honey.
I mean, beyond cosmetically,
is there
a functionality problem,
-or is it...
-Functionality
is not the issue, Don.
It's the scarring,
the mislocated pee hole,
the second pee hole.
Well, the second pee hole,
there's an easy fix to that,
as I recall.
There's another procedure.
I'm not wearing a diaper
for a year!
He doesn't want to wear
a diaper! He's fine
just plugging up the second hole
with his finger when he pees.
-We already decided that, Don.
-Okay.
How can I ever use it
with a girl? It's scarred.
It leaks. It's small.
It's...
Well, size doesn't matter,
sweetheart.
That's a myth.
Your father has a small penis.
It's average.
It is.
In America.
*
MIKE:
I disagree. No.
No, I-I told you,
I loved A Star Is Born.
I think it's a fantastic film.
*
(door closes)
(groans)
(woman on video speaks
indistinctly)
WOMAN:
Oh, you look so hard.
Yeah.
(woman moaning)
(grunting)
(grunting loudly)
(panting)
(panting)
(exhales)
(closes zipper)
All right, man,
I'm going to the studio.
-Have a very productive day.
-I love you.
MIKE:
I love you.
-* I ate her ass *
-(gasps)
* She came, I gasped... *
-(music stops)
-Another.
Run it back, yep.
-* I ate her ass *
-(gasps)
-* She came... *
-(music stops)
-No?
-It's been too long.
-How you been?
Look at you,
you sweet baby face.
Well, I try.
DAVE:
I can't hear you.
-ELZ: Oh. Press the button.
-ALLY: Oh.
Hi! Surprise.
DAVE:
Hello. What a...
Yeah, what a surprise.
Is that a buffalo chicken
cheesesteak from Frank's?
-Yes. Good eye.
-Good idea, my cherub.
You're an angel sent from...
the Euphrates.
(chuckles)
That's in Iraq, but thank you.
-There's nothing wrong
with Iraq.
-I'm gonna set it over here.
DAVE (echoing):
How's your day going? Good?
So good.
Ooh, you sound... really cool.
DAVE (echoing):
Do I? Uh. Uh.
Uh-ooh! Yeah.
Let's not act like it's you
doing it yourself, though.
There's, like,
mad plug-ins right now,
so he sounds like
an actual rapper.
Every rapper has delay
and reverb; it's very standard.
Ooh, I like it.
(echoing): Well,
I couldn't be more appreciative
of that sandwich.
I love you.
We have to finish this song.
-Okay.
-Can I FaceTime you
in a little bit
-when I get out of here
and we can...
-Okay.
Wait, wait, wait.
What's the actual rush?
Dave's making magic.
I'm here.
Uh, duh.
(laughs)
Okay.
I'd like to see
the magic happen.
If that's...
It's not that magical.
All I'm doing is breathing.
It's not necessarily
the most entertaining moment
-to see me in the studio.
-ALLY: I...
-live for breathing; I love it.
-(chuckles)
Great, run it back. Let's do
another... breath, please.
* It is weird yet lit *
* What a chain of events *
* I've been fucking *
* I ate her ass *
* She came, I gasped *
-(gasps)
-* I went... *
DAVE:
That was actually
a fairly good one.
And make the delay like,
"Ass, ass, ass, ass."
Like, fully wet "ass."
And stack them and...
-What do you call it? Uh...
-Moses.
Moses that fuckin' shit.
* I ate her ass,
she came, I gasped... *
-(gasps)
* I went again,
won't make my bed *
* My mom got pissed,
she said, "Don't rap." *
-Okay.
-You like that?
Uh... Mm.
I like the spirit of it.
In practice...
You know, I do just...
I had, like, so many
well-organized things there.
Uh, can I just, like...
'Cause I won't be able
to get past the...
-Okay. I'll meet you on the bed.
-Let me just...
straighten up,
tidy up a little bit.
Just a few choice items.
That'd be over here.
Turn the light down, like that.
Okay.
I'm just gonna angle
this lamp like that.
-I know, I'm just
in the unbuttoning process.
-Mm-hmm.
(sighs): And we are...
getting real close to blastoff.
Skinny jeans these days,
you know?
(Ally laughs)
I'm very thirsty.
And I just want to nip this
in the bud before...
we get too far down
the rabbit hole.
(exhales):
Ah...
That was important.
-Mm-hmm. You good?
-Where were we?
(Ally laughs)
-I-I can't.
-No, no, no. No, no.
-I can't.
-I'm so close,
I'm so close, I'm so close.
I can't hold my weight up.
I can't. I'm... taxed.
Okay, get up, get up.
I'll turn around.
Oh, you... Oh.
-Backwards.
-(whispers): Yeah.
(both panting)
-Eat my ass.
-Huh?
(moaning, grunting)
ALLY:
Ooh.
(both panting)
Did you say something
at the end?
No, I-I...
You said something.
No. It was nothing.
Did you ask me to eat your ass?
Yeah.
-(whispers): Yeah.
-That's what you said?
Yeah.
Were you, were you joking?
No.
-You were being serious?
-Yeah, I wasn't joking.
You were inside of me.
I wasn't making a joke.
You want me to eat your ass?
I did, yeah. Yes.
Al, I would never eat your ass
in a million years.
I'm just being really open
about that. Like, that's...
-Wow.
-And when I say "your,"
I do not mean, like,
your, like, asshole is worse
than, like, the typical asshole.
I would never eat
Rachel McAdams's asshole.
-I would never eat...
Beyoncé's asshole.
-Okay.
I would eat your ass
if you asked.
I would never put you
through that. Are you kidding?
My asshole is one of the most
disgusting places on Earth.
There's always debris and,
like, cake down there.
-You don't want to eat that.
-Cake?
Yeah. You don't want to find out
what that means.
Okay, well, I only said it
because of your song.
And you were rapping about it,
and I thought you might like it
and I might like it,
and it'd be fun
-to do together.
-I totally understand
what's happening now--
you heard it in the song.
Yeah.
Rap is a very
sexually charged genre.
Just 'cause you hear me
say something in a song
does not mean
that's what I want to do.
I'm just kind of, like, giving
the people what they want.
Okay, well, what do you want?
What do you want to do?
-About what?
-Sexually.
-Enlighten me.
-Uh, you don't-- you know,
I think you--
I don't think that, you know,
I don't think
there's much you don't know.
Like, missionary.
I like when you flip around.
No. I mean, okay,
what do you jerk off to?
Like, regular porn, honestly.
Like porn.
-What kind of porn?
What do you watch?
-Uh, HD.
-Dave.
-I'm serious. Like, high...
-I'm serious, too.
-High-- You'd be shocked
at how many things are, like,
below 720, and you get in there
-and you're handcuffed.
-Okay, but, like, what's
the weird thing that you watch?
-Everybody has, like,
a weird thing.
-Uh, I don't know.
-I don't have a weird thing.
Like, I...
-Yes, you do.
-Come on. Tell me. Tell me.
-Milking porn.
(gasps softly)
-Oh, yeah, I'm gonna get
under you now.
-ALLY: Okay, I get it.
So there's a big board
with a hole in it,
and the penis goes in the hole.
Yeah.
And then, I would go under it,
and that's the milking,
is the jerking off.
-Or would you want--
Do you want me to blow you?
-No, no, no.
-I could blow-- Like...
-No, no...
I don't want you to do any
of this to me. That's...
You asked me the weirdest thing
I've ever jerked off to; like,
this is what popped
into my head.
This is not me saying,
"Let's go do this."
Okay. I'm not, like,
-judging you or...
-Yeah. What?
-What?
-No, I know. Good.
-Is that-- Are we good?
-Y-Yeah. Yeah.
You're-- Uh, yeah.
-Okay.
-Milking.
Milking. Let's go to bed.
-Okay.
-Good night.
Good night.
-(sighs)
-I love you.
I love you as well.
MIKE:
Oh. I keep logging out
of my Apple I.D.,
and now I'm not gonna be able
to stream this Phish show.
-This is so annoying.
-What's Phish, bro?
-It's a band.
-Oh, that's why Dave's
all in a fucking trance.
'Cause he can't stream
his Phish.
No, I'm in a trance
because you ruined my life
and you let Ally stay
on the session.
She heard the rap I had
about eating ass,
and now she wants me
to eat her ass
and do all these
crazy sexual things.
-You hear this?
-Yeah. You've ruined my life.
Thank you for allowing that.
Hold on, bro.
You be eating ass?
-No.
-We are just clearing a table,
but we can seat you
if you'll come this way.
Oh, amazing. Thank you so much.
Bro, you're upset with me
because she wants
to have cooler sex with you?
-I don't understand that.
-Yeah, exactly.
I don't want to have cooler sex.
I like my sex the way it is
where it's plain
and there's zero expectations.
I don't want to have to feel
like, "Oh, this girl needs
-her appetite whet,"
uh, you know?
-MIKE: Very smart.
That's how love lasts.
Boring sex. Smart.
Uh, it's 'cause you're
uncomfortable about your...
Yeah, yeah. Duh.
Hold on. Ain't no room for
no inside info at this table.
What's going on?
Catch me up to speed.
You can't tell anybody. They're,
like, the only two people
-that know this.
-Don't tell anybody.
-I'm not, man.
-DAVE: I'm serious. I'm...
-He's being dead serious.
-I'm-I'm locked in.
All right, so I have
birth defects on my penis,
and, like,
I had to have surgery on it.
Ah, I'm cool, bro.
I ain't trying to hear
all that, bro; we about to eat.
-Oh, okay. Well...
-MIKE: Yeah, it's really gross.
-ELZ: It's disgusting.
-It's-it's as gross
as you think it is.
-Ally doesn't even
know about it.
-GATA: So your girl
-has never seen your dick?
-Correct.
-That's crazy.
-Yeah. I control the lighting.
-Next subject.
Let's keep it rolling.
-What does she want
me to do? Start talking dirty
or something? Like...
Yeah. That's what people do.
They talk dirty during sex.
-Out of nowhere?
-Yes.
-That's what everybody does.
You're supposed to nibble
on her ear like Mike Tyson.
-All that type of stuff, bro.
You supposed to do all of that.
-I can't.
It's so out of character. I
can't all of a sudden just be,
like, a different person.
Like, that's crazy.
-What do you say, Gata?
-I say things like,
"Baby, your beauty is inspiring.
"You're the best thing
I've seen all day.
You're a fine display
of greatness at its greatest."
Can I have your phone number,
or no?
Uh, I don't have a phone.
Um, I'll be back to take
your order in a moment. Okay?
I'm impressed by the way
you talk to girls.
You have no fear,
even in today's climate,
-of being yourself.
-GATA: What?
He's talking about
the #MeToo movement.
-Oh. I'm with all of that.
-Yeah. Sexual harassment.
-But shit, I got to be me, too.
-Yeah.
All right. Can we get back
to the issue here?
What am I supposed to say
when I fuck my girlfriend?
-Okay. Yeah. Go-go ahead, Elz.
-Am I first?
Spit in her mouth.
-Oh, my God.
-DAVE: I say, "Open your mouth,"
-and I go... (spits)
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
-She's gonna think I have...
like, I'm having, like,
a brain aneurysm.
-You got to try these things.
-All of this shit
is so ridiculous.
I'm not gonna be like,
"Oh, you need this."
-Who the fuck
says things like that?
-No. What the fuck are you
-talking about?
-What is this, '70s porno?
-Yeah.
Okay, great.
What do you say, hotshot?
Why are you being so weird
about this? Why don't you
just, like, watch porn with her?
Everybody does that
-with their girlfriend.
-DAVE: Yeah, why don't I say,
"Hey, Al.
Let me load up a video of a guy
with an 11 and a half-inch cock
made of meat."
-MIKE: Yeah.
-DAVE: "You can compare it
-to my shredded wheat dick..."
-Hold up.
Hold up, man. Where the fuck
is my grill at, man?
I just had it right here
in a black napkin, man.
What the fuck?
-MIKE: What?
-Where the hell is my grill?
-Y'all not paying attention?
-ELZ: Not to your grill.
I don't give a fuck
about your grill.
He was cleaning up the table.
-DAVE: Okay, well...
-GATA: It's gone, though.
Is this, like,
a million-dollar grill?
-What's the...?
-Dude, I paid $300 for it, bro.
All right. Think of it as, like,
one night of Hanukkah.
It's not a huge deal.
Oh, and then there you go.
Just like that. Problem solved.
-Doctor Zhivago.
-My nigga, dude.
(chuckles)
My nigga.
-The busboy had it.
-Thank you, bro.
I wouldn't expect y'all
to relate to it.
-I'm from the trenches, bro.
-What do you mean?
Don't loop me in
with these fucking guys.
I'm from the West Side
of Chicago.
Yeah, don't loop me in
with this guy, either.
Look at me. We the same.
This nigga,
you know what I'm saying?
Everybody keeps saying, "Ooh,
you're the rich black kid."
No, I'm not the rich black kid.
My parents have money.
-But when I left...
-(Dave and Mike laugh)
-That has nothing to do with me.
-MIKE: That's the same shit.
I can do something
for you, too, man.
I can fix that streaming issue
you having to watch Phish.
-Can you seriously do that?
-GATA: Dude,
I'm like a black
Neil deGrasse Tyson.
-He is black.
-I know.
-DAVE: Hey.
-Oh.
How do I fuck my girlfriend?
It was just, like, such a shock
to hear him talk so explicitly
in his music.
Like, real Dave...
(sniffs)
-Oh, throw that away.
-Yeah.
Real Dave would never talk
like that. Like, it was
so manly
and, like, aggressive and hot.
-And, like...
-That's good.
-Right? Yeah.
And I was like, fuck it.
-Yeah.
I'll just fucking ask.
And then now it's
the most uncomfortable dyna--
It's insane
how uncomfortable it is now.
I love getting my ass eaten.
My last boyfriend liked that
more than fucking me.
Just lived down there.
That sounds so tight.
(sighs) And it sucks
because it has been great.
Like, I really have figured out
how to make myself come
really consistently,
which never happened with Rob.
I fucking hated Rob.
Wait. What do you mean,
make yourself come?
Dave doesn't make you come?
No, Dave...
It's-it's Dave's penis
inside of me.
Well, what is the sex like?
Do y'all fuck in silence?
No. There's passion and...
moaning.
-He moans.
-Moans?
So, y-you just lay there,
and he's silently humping you
and moaning?
Do you make eye contact?
No.
I close my eyes to-to focus.
-To escape reality?
-No!
I'm not--
I'm saying I am, like...
you know,
focusing on picturing Dave.
Just, like,
a different version of Dave.
You're a teacher, Al.
You were made for this moment,
you know?
You just got to, like...
unlock him.
You know what I mean?
Just unlock him.
MIKE:
Yeah, we used to have a Regal.
And my dad likes the sauce,
so he got drunk
and smashed it against the tree.
Then we had a Cutlass.
That was my favorite family car.
-Damn, y'all had the Cutty?
For real?
-Mm-hmm.
-Them motherfuckers
is hard, bro.
-Yeah, they're...
What's up, bitch-ass nigga?
-What's up with you, bro?
-Do you see
what time it is, nigga?
Fuck all that talking.
-What's happening, nigga?
-Step up, then.
GATA:
I'm right here. You're doing
all that woofing, bro.
All that barking and shit.
-Step up then, nigga.
-MAN: Hey!
-Nigga, what's up, bro?
-Bitch ass.
I'm calling the cops.
-For what?
-Man, you lucky
-he gonna call the police.
-For what?
-Take it outside!
Nigga, he ain't about to do
nothing. He just talking, man.
You know where I'll be at, bro.
-Pop out, my nigga.
-CAZ: I'm-a see both y'all.
You and Ed Sheeran's bitch ass.
-I'm-a take one of these.
-Hey, you got to pay for that.
-Put it on that bitch-ass
nigga's tab.
-Oh, for real?
Oh, yeah, put it on my tab
'cause you ain't got no money,
though.
Damn, they got
Orange Vanilla Coke
in this motherfucker?
That's crazy.
This is crazy.
Where do you think
they import this from?
This shit look just like
your fucking hair, bro.
That's crazy.
Hey, don't worry
about that, bro.
How much you want for this,
papi?
(bottles clinking)
Aw, man. All we got is Stella,
Gata. You good with that?
-Yeah, I'm good.
But is it rosé, though?
-(bottle opens)
No, it's... it's beer.
Oh, that's cool, bro. I was
just expecting the finer things.
Hey, what was up with that guy
from the convenience store?
Oh, you worried about that old
poo-butt-ass nigga, bro?
Yeah, well, what-whatever, man.
(chuckles): I-I got shook,
I'm not gonna lie.
You-you handled it so well, man.
I'm-I'm trying to be like that.
You know, more Zen.
You were so calm.
Can you, like, see what's up
with the remote, though?
'Cause I'm trying
to watch this shit
-you over here
all excited about.
-Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.
*
Oh, shit, Gata!
What the fuck? You're the man.
How did you do that?
GATA:
I used to work for Geek Squad.
That's Phish.
Let's have some Phish, baby.
-Yeah. You like this?
Is this good?
-Hell yeah.
MIKE:
You get high, right?
Come on, man.
-Pass that bud, please.
-(chuckles)
(Transylvanian accent):
The bud is right here.
This is the vampire bud.
(both laugh)
(regular voice):
Have you biting people.
(sniffs)
Smell that.
-Oh, this is some bomb bomb.
-Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
But when they gonna stop
warming up, though?
Oh, no. This is the whole show.
This is what they do
the whole time, man.
Feel that. Feel that.
Feel that, dude.
(grunts)
(Ally moans)
(both breathing heavily)
Please.
What?
-I said please.
-Okay.
-You like that?
-Yeah.
Yeah. What do you,
what do you like specifically?
-(panting)
-Uh, uh...
Your feminine energy.
(grunts)
Yeah.
Do you like how that feels?
Yeah. It feels...
just ideal.
You're so hard.
-I'm as hard as I can be.
I'm fully...
-Mm-hmm.
-I'm boned.
-Uh-huh.
-I'm fully hard.
-(panting)
(panting)
Yeah.
-Yeah. Yeah.
-(grunts)
Your pussy is premium.
(stammers)
Prime-time.
What do you want?
Uh, what do I want?
Yeah. What do you want, Dave?
Tell me what you want.
-I want every fucking nook.
-Okay.
-I want the whole kit
and caboodle...
-Uh-huh. It's yours.
-Give me the full pussy.
-Uh-huh.
-Give me your full pussy
right now.
-It's yours.
-Give me the puss.
-Where do you want to come?
Uh... There. Within you.
I mean, you can feel
how soaked I am, right?
-Uh-huh.
-With gush.
-(moaning)
-Oh, my God.
-Are you gonna cream?
-Mm-hmm.
-You're gonna come?
-Mm-hmm.
Cream.
-Come.
-Okay.
-Precum. Please come.
-You want me to come?
-Give me everything.
Give me everything.
-Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.
-Come. Come. Yeah, come.
-Okay, baby. Okay.
-Come. Do it. Come. Come.
-Okay, I'm coming. I'm coming.
I'm coming.
(moaning)
(grunting)
(both panting)
Oh, my God.
(both panting)
That was...
great.
Amen, brother.
(exhales)
Did you come?
Yeah.
(both panting)
(sighs)
(sighs softly)
*
(grunts)
(exhales)
(grunting)
ALLY:
Dave?
-(knocking, doorknob rattling)
-Occupied!
-I got to pee.
-Uh...
Okay, well, I'm pooping!
Can I have a second?
I can hear you walking around.
Yeah. I stand when I wipe.
-Okay. Please hurry.
I got to go.
-Uh...
Okay, what about--
Mike's not home.
Can you-- Just go in the sink.
I'm not gonna pee in the sink.
Can you be quick?
I have to go.
All right, well...
Okay, just hurry up.
Please, please, please,
please, please, please.
Are you okay?
Yes, I'm just wiping!
-Will you hurry up?
I really have to go.
-I'm finishing!
(toilet flushing)
-Go. Geez Louise.
-Oh, my God. Thank you,
thank you, thank you,
-thank you, thank you.
-Uh, I don't know.
Must've tracked this in here.
(exhales)
-(urinating)
-(sighs)
Very strong pee-- I can tell
it was, in fact, urgent.
I know. I wasn't, like--
Jesus Christ! What the fuck
is that?
Dave, what is that?
What-what is that?
It is...
called a Fuck Me Silly 3.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God,
please take it out.
-Take it out?
-Please take it out.
A Fuck Me Silly, Da--
Oh, my God.
Why is it so heavy?
Where is the other half?
Oh, my God!
Dave, do you fuck this?
You know, you just asked me
three questions.
Why is it so heavy?
I assume, uh,
to simulate humanity.
-Oh, my God.
-Top half?
I don't know anything
about that. And...
We just had great sex.
What are you... doing?
You say we have great sex.
To me, that sex was,
like, unbearable!
-It was, like, warfare.
-Unbearable?!
Yeah, I was, like,
surviving and advancing.
I felt like
I was just surviving.
I hate talking about how,
like, wet your pussy is
-or how hard my dick is.
-Okay, so you don't like
talking dirty,
-but you like fucking Jell-O
with feet?
-Yeah.
Maybe I like doing it 'cause it
doesn't ask anything of me
and it has no expectations.
I don't have to, like,
choke it or yell at it
as I fuck it.
-I can just be in and out
and do my business.
-I didn't ask you to do any
of those things, right?
I just asked you to be open
and, like, try something new.
And I asked you,
"What's the weirdest thing
you jerked off to?"
And this fucking A.I. bullshit
didn't occur to you, Dave?
Well, it's not A.I.
And I don't, like,
look at it and jerk off.
I don't jerk off to it.
I didn't lie.
Right. You make love to it.
-That's what I should've asked.
-I don't make love.
-It's platonic. It's...
-Cool.
So, sex
with your human girlfriend
is unbearable warfare,
and you can't even tolerate
having, like,
a conversation
with me about sex?
And I-I feel like I'm trying
to figure out what you want,
and you're just not telling me
the truth.
Like, what am I
missing here, okay?
I feel like I'm taking
crazy pills!
I was born
with a fucked-up dick!
Dave, your penis is normal.
Uh, you've--
you have never seen my dick.
Yes, I have.
I know you think you ha--
Um, honestly, like,
it's my life's work to make sure
you don't see it.
Like, I spend every moment
plotting the lighting
and the angles.
If you've seen it,
-what does my dick look like?
-It looks
like a fucking dick, Dave.
Now I know you haven't seen it.
-You're leaving?
-Yes.
We're talking in circles,
and you clearly don't want
to talk.
I was born
with a tangled urethra.
So, when I came out,
they did surgery on me.
Okay?
There's scarring down there.
I also have a birth defect
called hypospadias
that one in 300 guys have,
where the pee hole
isn't in the center of the head.
It's, like-- For me, it's on
the underneath part of my head.
There were also these small
black dots on my dick
that looked like poppy seeds.
I got 'em removed,
'cause it was humiliating.
And one of the poppy seeds
got removed too far
on the underside of my shaft,
so now, when I pee,
it's out of two different holes,
like a Super Soaker.
That's why I pee sitting down.
If I didn't pee sitting down,
I would just piss
all over my own body.
And when I'm in public
and I'm at a urinal,
I clog the second hole
with my finger.
There's just a lot of stuff.
Why is this the first time
I'm hearing about it?
I don't know, Al.
There was never a great time
to pull you aside and say,
"Hey, my dick
looks like an old pile
of worms."
Don't leave.
Show me.
No.
I love you. I know
it'll make me feel better.
I think
it'll make you feel better.
Al, first off,
I'm soft as a mouse.
I'm not gonna show you
this vers...
That was easy.
Yeah.
Trust me.
(sighs)
Okay. Cool.
That's a stand-up boner.
-I love you.
-I love you.
(kisses)
I love it.
Great.
Good night.
-(sighs)
-(TV playing indistinctly)
(phone chimes)
WEATHERMAN:
Increasing cloudiness tomorrow.
Sticky and humid
with a high of 96.
With the winds out of the east
at 14 miles per hour,
it's currently 75 degrees...
(crickets chirping)
What on earth is going on?
(singsongy):
Surprise!
It's your very own
milking table.
How did you...
Just get on the table,
put your dick in the hole
and I'm gonna milk
the cream out of you.
This is unbelievable.
Did you, like, hire, like,
-a TaskRabbit to do this?
-Okay, so I've been thinking
about it.
I think that you jerk off
to milking table porn
because it's just the dick
and the girl.
Right? So it's
your biggest insecurity.
It's your biggest fear.
Which means
it's your ultimate fantasy.
Oh, my God.
Yeah.
And, last night,
we did what I wanted to do.
So, tonight, we could do
what you want to do.
And, tomorrow,
we could do what we want.
And that's intimacy, right?
-Mm.
-I love you so much.
I love you.
Not only are you gonna milk me,
I'm gonna milk you.
Mandatory strip right now.
I'm eating your asshole.
-Do it right now.
Take off your clothes.
-Really?
-Mandatory strip.
That's right. Yeah.
-Oh, my God.
Get up there right now.
I'm gonna milk your asshole.
(grunts) I feel like,
f-for me, it's not milking.
It-It's more like a gerbil
and its bottle.
Whatever it is, let's do it.
-I'm ready to ride the momentum.
-Okay.
* What a girl wants,
what a girl needs *
* What a girl wants,
what a girl n... *
(garage door opening)
Yo.
I'm just-- I'm just gonna park
on the street.
(garage door closing)
* Whoo, whoo, I'm still a kid,
look at my dick *
-* But I make these hits
that'll shape your kids *
-* Yeah *
* If I shake my hips,
they'll display their tits *
* It is weird yet lit *
* What a chain of events *
* I've been fucking *
* I ate her ass *
* She came, I gasped *
* I went again *
-* Won't make my bed *
-* What? *
* My mom got pissed *
-* She said, "Don't rap" *
-* What? *
* Guess what, I did *
* Oh, yeah, all my haters' hands
up on their heads *
-* Oh *
-* I'm abusing substances *
-* With guys in the NFL *
-* Whoa *
* I just stole a Perrier
from Kodak Black *
* From his dressing room,
while he was onstage *
* I was thirsty,
back up off me *
* This is just hip-hop *
* But my shit pop *
-* I wear flip-flops *
-* Where? *
* To my biz ops *
-* Ain't no wristwatch *
-* Why? *
* Pretty women all up
on my arm *
* I don't think I need to
get more charm. *
-I'm a
once-in-a-generation artist.
-Oh.
Who just got verified
on Twitter, about,
what, nine days ago?
I'm glad you feel good
that a robot told you
you're worth it.
* Hi, I'm Dave *
Do me a favor?
Never look me in the eye again.
Okay? 'Cause your stare
is way too intense.
It's starting to make
my hair fall out.
CHILDREN: Mummy! Mummy!
(high-pitched voice)
Mummy isn't here.
Try next door.
CHILDREN: Mummy!
WOMAN: Oh, my God.
No, got the wrong house.
What is Devs?
What is Devs?
What is Devs?
What is Devs?
What is Devs?
What is Devs?
-(inaudible)
-What is Devs?
(screams)
-(operatic singing)
-(chattering)
MAN: Check!
Check.