Dates (2013): Season 1, Episode 1 - Mia & David - full transcript
Northern lorry driver David arrives at a restaurant to meet Celeste with whom he has arranged a date via the Internet. 'Celeste' arrives but is actually called Mia and proceeds to be offensive to him and the waitress. She eventually drops her guard and starts to get on with David but whilst he talks about himself and his late wife, she is enigmatic and leaves without telling him. He catches up with her and they kiss before she flees in a taxi.
Oh, thank you.
Can I get you anything else?
No, I'm fine. Thanks. Cheers.
Just a waste of time.
'You still there?'
Yep. She's half an hour late.
'You sure she's not there?'
No, Monica. No, she's fucking blown
me off.
'Out. She's blown you out, David.
Learn to talk.'
Whatever. Anyway, I'm going
to go home.
'Give her another 15 minutes.
Maybe she... You know...
'had to take a dump at the last
moment.'
What?
'I always get like that
if I'm stressed.
'I should allow more crapping time
when I'm hurrying.'
Monica. What are you talking about?
'Anyway. What's her name?'
Celeste.
'That's not good. Who the
fuck is called Celeste?'
Monica, seriously, I... Jesus.
There you go then,
just absolutely pointless.
I don't know what I'm doing here.
Hi. Sorry, erm...
Are you called Celeste?
No.
You just look
like the person that I'm meeting.
But she's supposed to be in red.
Yeah, I can see, you know.
It's strange cos, you, er,
you do look like her photograph.
Or maybe she's a bit younger,
don't know.
I'm really sorry I can't help.
Yeah, yeah, I'm sorry. Hopefully.
Fuck's sake.
It... It is you.
Yeah.
I, erm...
I decided not to do this.
Oh, oh. OK.
No offence.
No, none taken, Celeste.
It's fine.
What? Do you always do that?
Come in disguise.
You know, I've been sat here
waiting like a div.
Yeah, well,
there's a lot of tossers out there.
OK. Well, I guess you nailed me.
No. OK, I didn't mean you.
Cheers, thank you very much.
It's fine.
Just don't wear the tie
with the jeans.
It makes you look like a Belgian.
Ha...
I'm not sorry.
No, no. You don't look that sorry.
You're just not my thing.
OK. OK.
It's just different here in the
flesh, isn't it? It's different.
I don't know. I suppose.
I've never done this before.
Oh?
Yep, this is my first time.
Oh, OK, so you just thought
I would be your friendly
teacher in your journey through
love or something?
I mean,
how long have you been signed up?
About six months.
Wow.
Anyway it doesn't really matter,
Celeste.
As it goes,
I don't like people who are late.
Late?
Late. Yeah.
And now you've just blown me off.
I'm sorry, what?
Nice meeting you. OK?
I'm just going to sit and have some
dinner, read my book,
and probably have a starter now
an' all. Excuse me.
Hiya, erm... Hiya.
Oh, hi. You've arrived.
Can I get you a drink or anything?
No. It's fine. She's going.
But, erm, can I order?
Is that all right?
Yep. That's fine.
So I can take you through
some starters.
We don't have that.
Bye.
You don't have what? Sorry?
We don't have this.
OK, so, this is what we've got.
Unfortunately we've run
out of that and that.
You see, the scallops?
Are they fresh?
Yep, they are. We've got them.
I could do that for you.
Right. Erm...
Thanks.
Yeah, scallops would be good.
'Did you leave?'
Yeah. He's wearing a tie with jeans.
'Oh, fuck. Get out of there.'
'Hey.'
'Hey, Mimi.'
Yeah?
'Do you want to come over to mine
and have takeaway?
'Do you want naans or not?'
'Mimi?'
Not.
'Mimi what...'
God.
I saw that.
That was fucking cheeky, actually.
What?
I'm standing right outside,
watching you bond with
Teen Pussy Dream over there.
I was chatting.
Ripping the shit out of me?
Yeah. Yeah, pretty much. Yeah.
Well, I don't appreciate that.
Well, we're not actually
having this date, are we?
Because, you know, I'm...
I'm not your thing so...
17.
And that's pushing it.
You've got a real winning way
with the ladies, don't you?
I'm just trying not to feel like a
twat. Is that OK?
Well, maybe I'll stay for a bit.
Did I invite you to stay?
You want me to.
Why?
Men like to be on dates with me.
They're grateful mostly.
Grateful.
Are you always this horrible?
It's just... It's just tonight. I
can't be bothered. David, right?
Yes, it is.
I'm tired and it's all bullshit
anyway.
So don't put yourself through it,
Celeste. Right? You're excused.
I've got scallops coming.
Everything's...
Everything's good.
You should go on a couple of dates,
David.
OK.
Learn the ropes. I tell you what,
you give me your routine.
I'll give you mine. Maybe we'll bore
each other's brains out.
Or maybe we'll be so outraged
by each other that we'll end up
fucking like rabbits afterwards
to teach each other a lesson.
Never even know our real names.
I know it's your first time.
Hats off to you, mate. Good luck.
You're not called Celeste?
Oh, come...
Nobody's actually called Celeste.
Here you go.
Oh, thank you.
I'll have, erm... Double vodka
cranberry and the lamb.
Not too pink. And tell your boss
that he shouldn't employ underage
girls unless he can afford to buy
them clothes.
Well, I'm 19, so that....
Yeah, well. Whatever.
Like I said. Not too pink.
Yeah, mm-hmm. Brilliant. Thanks.
Thank you.
You know, David is my actual name.
Well done.
Yeah.
And now you're going to tell me
you're an actual lawyer.
No. No, I'm, er...
No, no, I'm not a lawyer. But that's
what everyone wants and I just
thought that we could probably get
round to...
To...what?
I thought
we could get round to what I did...
Well, then don't get so high
and mighty, David. Doesn't suit you.
OK.
Mia. Je m'appelle Mia.
Nice to meet you.
I'm David.
David.
You could have got away
with vet, you know.
Hey?
The whole craggy Northern thing?
I can really imagine you elbow
deep in a horse's arse.
See, this, is exactly what
I expected. Exact... See...
See, this is London, you know?
Women here are just...
What?
Nothing, they're...
What?
A bit of a nightmare. A nightmare.
Well, I'm your worst dream,
first timer.
The only way is up.
Ah. Beer, urgh.
Where are you going?
I'm just going to go for a pee?
Is that all right?
You're not going to do a runner on
me now, David, are you?
Now that I've invested
some time in you.
Men run out on you?
It has been known to happen.
You know, you're really pretty.
I just think you probably piss
people off.
So my dad says I don't have to serve
you if you're still rude.
Keep your tits on.
I'm a bitch. Keep the change.
Peace.
OK...
Oi.
Would you give him one?
What, you mean, apart from the fact
that he's, like, super old?
Yeah, Lolita, apart from that.
Yeah. Why not?
Got you.
It's rude to watch girls eating.
Is it?
Mmm-hmm.
In London maybe.
You see up North, we're right
fucking rude. Yeah, yeah.
We'll watch a girl doing
anything.
Yeah, eating, sleeping...
having a dump.
We call it foreplay.
You're funny.
Yeah. I can be.
Yeah?
Yeah.
I'm a lorry driver.
That's what I do.
Oh...
And what kind of...
What kind of lorries do you drive?
Red lorries, yellow lorries...
And, erm, and where do you
drive these, these, er,
red and yellow lorries to?
Bulgaria mainly.
Mmm, Bulgaria. How interesting!
Am I starting to take
you by surprise, Mia?
No. You're all lorry drivers up
there in the North, aren't you?
Mainly, yes.
Apart from Cheshire.
It's all holding midfielders,
and chlamydia and Maseratis.
You know what a holding midfielder
is? That's pretty cool.
Oh, footballers I've fucked?
I could write the fucking book.
What footballers?
Oh. There was that, um...
..Wayne Bridge incident.
You banged Wayne Bridge?
Do you know what? It's none of my
business.
I wasn't actually listening.
He'd played with Wayne Bridge.
When he was 14.
Oh.
And I only found out
when I was fucking him
in the back of his Toyota and um...
I was just shouting his name,
saying, "Oh, Wayne! Oh, Wayne!
"Put it there, Wayne!"
Silly cow.
The car should have been a clue.
Yeah, when you're drunk,
everything looks like a Porsche.
Even a lorry.
Come on. Tell me what you do?
It's the least interesting
thing about me.
You haven't told me anything about
you. Not really. Have you?
Big deal. You drive lorries, you're
looking for love.
I like to fuck,
I'm...looking for love.
So does everyone get this?
This?
This. Yeah. You know you
don't have to bang me, you know.
I'm not that bothered because
we're having a nice dinner
and we don't hate each other.
Seems like some kind of result when
I think about the rest of my life.
So?
So! Just...
Just tell me something that's
meaningful, something...
Not clever shit or... Just
something. Something that matters.
Come on, something.
You first and then we'll see.
Depending on how
riveting your life is.
Riveting, yeah. It's not that.
OK. Erm...
I got married very young, as it
goes.
You know how it is.
Well, actually I don't. We tend to
wait for puberty down here.
Anyway...
Anyway, anyway.
Erm, Tabitha and I, we, er...
This, girl, Tabitha, erm...
We were together from...
From what? 14?
We went to school
together in Ripley up in Yorkshire.
We got a bit older, you know,
we started going out
and, you know, to clubs,
having sex and...
Yeah, everything was....
You know, it didn't even seem that
much of a big deal
when I asked her to marry me.
It didn't. I mean, she was 17,
I was almost 17 and....
You know, it seemed all right,
it seemed good.
Cos, you know,
I was into her and....
Yeah, I couldn't
believe my luck basically.
This girl Tabitha.
All she had to do
was wiggle her nose, right?
Why do you say that?
Oh, come on. Tabitha the...
The witch from the telly.
Do you want to hear this or not?
I don't mind if...
Sure. No, no, no. Sure. No, sure.
Tabitha, underage sex, Yorkshire.
Go.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, anyway, erm...
So she wanted to move out of the
town
because everyone fucking knows
everybody, it is what it is.
The depot was in Peterborough,
so that's where we went.
Yeah. Got a little house and stuff.
And eventually Tab got a job as,
like, a teaching assistant you know,
so it was easier to work it around
with the kids...
Whoa. OK, wait. You just jumped
a couple of steps.
How many kids do you have?
Oh!
Four. Four girls. Yeah.
Yeah, I'll show you some pictures.
Oh, no, it's OK. Fuck.
What?
Just the four then?
Just the four kids.
Sorry! It's...
What?
It's... You just...
You should just go easy on that
information.
Well, you know what? I kind of don't
give a fuck, so...
Anything else I should know?
I don't know.
See, I think you are too
clever for the world and it's hard
being this beautiful and one step
ahead of everyone all the time.
I think it wears you out.
Because most people,
but men especially,
we kind of lie to you
and you can see straight through it.
It's just a bit shit that you don't
let people see who you really are.
How's that?
Well, aren't you the clever boy?
I'm just making conversation.
Anyway. Shall we get the bill?
It's just my sister's baby-sitting
and she's a bit of a moody
old fucker. I don't like to
leave her too long.
Yeah. Can I have the bill? Cheers.
David?
Yeah?
You did like me, a bit?
Yeah.
I mean, everyone likes me
at first but...
Mia. I like you.
Well, that's good.
I mean, I've totally fucking
screwed this up, I know that.
Screwed it, it's just... I just say
things, you know, sometimes.
Nah, it's the tie.
Lose the tie, honestly.
I fucking hate it,
I don't even know why I wore it.
Yeah, burn it.
Burn it.
Yeah.
Can I tell you something?
What?
You are going to meet a lot of
really stupid women
in the next couple of months.
Just lie more. It's easier.
No. I'm not great at lying.
Yeah. You're not.
You're not great at it.
Well, you better not be faking
all this integrity.
Well, does it matter?
Possibly.
Here you go. Was everything OK?
Oh, yeah, yes. It was great.
Thank you very much.
Here you go...
Er...you can keep the change.
Are you sure?
Yeah, no it's fine.
No, you've been great. Thank you.
Oh, thank you.
No problem at all.
So...
- So you, you've got to get
home to the kids then?
- Yep.
- And baby-sitter and...
- Yeah. Yeah.
One last question though, yeah.
Go on.
What did sexy witchy bitchy
love goddess Tabitha
do to you that was so bad?
Er...
She died, mainly.
Yeah.
Oh, no, right, I...I should've, should
have thought... should've thought of that.
It's OK.
- No, I should have thought. Fuck.
- No, it's all right. It's fine.
It's fine. No, it's...listen, she
just, she got meningitis. That's it.
Oh...
Oh, fuck!
Yeah, sorry, you...you wouldn't
normally get me this stupid.
- I'm just, this dress is...
- It's OK.
..is too tight and the, the shoes
are new and it's making me edgy...
Actually, I'm edgy all the time.
Nothing I can do about that.
Here, look, listen. I can tell you
about it, I can, it's just...
It'll have to be another time.
OK?
Right.
Well, erm... I'm going to...
..I'm going to go to the bathroom.
Why don't you order some...
some creme brulee and some coffee,
and...I'll think of something?
What?
Well, something to tell you.
You've got to work it out?
Well...there's a fair amount
of shit...choice of debacles.
Just give me a minute.
I've had a good time.
Cool.
Fucking shut up.
Shut up.
Shut up.
What?
She left quite a while ago,
actually.
Oh. Oh...
Sorry.
No, it's...
Bugger! Oh, fuck!
Oh...naff off.
Mia, come on.
Come on, that's not fair.
David, I'm, I'm not up for this.
We were getting on, though.
We were getting on fine.
No.
I've really got to go, so...
No, OK, OK, but listen,
I think, I think we had something
going on it there.
Yeah, well, we didn't.
What?
You say that to me. Say it to me.
Turn around and you say it to me.
Say it to my face.
Say what?
There was nothing going on.
- David, you don't even understand.
- Say it!
You have no idea.
Say it!
Bad idea. Bad, bad.
Fuck's sake!
Jesus.
You've not got a fucking clue
what you want, have you?
Not a fucking clue.
Well, don't get too clever about it
cos it's not attractive, right?
Where to, love?
Shad Thames, please.
Fucking nightmare.
Fuck you.
Everyone makes mistakes...
Is this mine?
Can I get you anything else?
No, I'm fine. Thanks. Cheers.
Just a waste of time.
'You still there?'
Yep. She's half an hour late.
'You sure she's not there?'
No, Monica. No, she's fucking blown
me off.
'Out. She's blown you out, David.
Learn to talk.'
Whatever. Anyway, I'm going
to go home.
'Give her another 15 minutes.
Maybe she... You know...
'had to take a dump at the last
moment.'
What?
'I always get like that
if I'm stressed.
'I should allow more crapping time
when I'm hurrying.'
Monica. What are you talking about?
'Anyway. What's her name?'
Celeste.
'That's not good. Who the
fuck is called Celeste?'
Monica, seriously, I... Jesus.
There you go then,
just absolutely pointless.
I don't know what I'm doing here.
Hi. Sorry, erm...
Are you called Celeste?
No.
You just look
like the person that I'm meeting.
But she's supposed to be in red.
Yeah, I can see, you know.
It's strange cos, you, er,
you do look like her photograph.
Or maybe she's a bit younger,
don't know.
I'm really sorry I can't help.
Yeah, yeah, I'm sorry. Hopefully.
Fuck's sake.
It... It is you.
Yeah.
I, erm...
I decided not to do this.
Oh, oh. OK.
No offence.
No, none taken, Celeste.
It's fine.
What? Do you always do that?
Come in disguise.
You know, I've been sat here
waiting like a div.
Yeah, well,
there's a lot of tossers out there.
OK. Well, I guess you nailed me.
No. OK, I didn't mean you.
Cheers, thank you very much.
It's fine.
Just don't wear the tie
with the jeans.
It makes you look like a Belgian.
Ha...
I'm not sorry.
No, no. You don't look that sorry.
You're just not my thing.
OK. OK.
It's just different here in the
flesh, isn't it? It's different.
I don't know. I suppose.
I've never done this before.
Oh?
Yep, this is my first time.
Oh, OK, so you just thought
I would be your friendly
teacher in your journey through
love or something?
I mean,
how long have you been signed up?
About six months.
Wow.
Anyway it doesn't really matter,
Celeste.
As it goes,
I don't like people who are late.
Late?
Late. Yeah.
And now you've just blown me off.
I'm sorry, what?
Nice meeting you. OK?
I'm just going to sit and have some
dinner, read my book,
and probably have a starter now
an' all. Excuse me.
Hiya, erm... Hiya.
Oh, hi. You've arrived.
Can I get you a drink or anything?
No. It's fine. She's going.
But, erm, can I order?
Is that all right?
Yep. That's fine.
So I can take you through
some starters.
We don't have that.
Bye.
You don't have what? Sorry?
We don't have this.
OK, so, this is what we've got.
Unfortunately we've run
out of that and that.
You see, the scallops?
Are they fresh?
Yep, they are. We've got them.
I could do that for you.
Right. Erm...
Thanks.
Yeah, scallops would be good.
'Did you leave?'
Yeah. He's wearing a tie with jeans.
'Oh, fuck. Get out of there.'
'Hey.'
'Hey, Mimi.'
Yeah?
'Do you want to come over to mine
and have takeaway?
'Do you want naans or not?'
'Mimi?'
Not.
'Mimi what...'
God.
I saw that.
That was fucking cheeky, actually.
What?
I'm standing right outside,
watching you bond with
Teen Pussy Dream over there.
I was chatting.
Ripping the shit out of me?
Yeah. Yeah, pretty much. Yeah.
Well, I don't appreciate that.
Well, we're not actually
having this date, are we?
Because, you know, I'm...
I'm not your thing so...
17.
And that's pushing it.
You've got a real winning way
with the ladies, don't you?
I'm just trying not to feel like a
twat. Is that OK?
Well, maybe I'll stay for a bit.
Did I invite you to stay?
You want me to.
Why?
Men like to be on dates with me.
They're grateful mostly.
Grateful.
Are you always this horrible?
It's just... It's just tonight. I
can't be bothered. David, right?
Yes, it is.
I'm tired and it's all bullshit
anyway.
So don't put yourself through it,
Celeste. Right? You're excused.
I've got scallops coming.
Everything's...
Everything's good.
You should go on a couple of dates,
David.
OK.
Learn the ropes. I tell you what,
you give me your routine.
I'll give you mine. Maybe we'll bore
each other's brains out.
Or maybe we'll be so outraged
by each other that we'll end up
fucking like rabbits afterwards
to teach each other a lesson.
Never even know our real names.
I know it's your first time.
Hats off to you, mate. Good luck.
You're not called Celeste?
Oh, come...
Nobody's actually called Celeste.
Here you go.
Oh, thank you.
I'll have, erm... Double vodka
cranberry and the lamb.
Not too pink. And tell your boss
that he shouldn't employ underage
girls unless he can afford to buy
them clothes.
Well, I'm 19, so that....
Yeah, well. Whatever.
Like I said. Not too pink.
Yeah, mm-hmm. Brilliant. Thanks.
Thank you.
You know, David is my actual name.
Well done.
Yeah.
And now you're going to tell me
you're an actual lawyer.
No. No, I'm, er...
No, no, I'm not a lawyer. But that's
what everyone wants and I just
thought that we could probably get
round to...
To...what?
I thought
we could get round to what I did...
Well, then don't get so high
and mighty, David. Doesn't suit you.
OK.
Mia. Je m'appelle Mia.
Nice to meet you.
I'm David.
David.
You could have got away
with vet, you know.
Hey?
The whole craggy Northern thing?
I can really imagine you elbow
deep in a horse's arse.
See, this, is exactly what
I expected. Exact... See...
See, this is London, you know?
Women here are just...
What?
Nothing, they're...
What?
A bit of a nightmare. A nightmare.
Well, I'm your worst dream,
first timer.
The only way is up.
Ah. Beer, urgh.
Where are you going?
I'm just going to go for a pee?
Is that all right?
You're not going to do a runner on
me now, David, are you?
Now that I've invested
some time in you.
Men run out on you?
It has been known to happen.
You know, you're really pretty.
I just think you probably piss
people off.
So my dad says I don't have to serve
you if you're still rude.
Keep your tits on.
I'm a bitch. Keep the change.
Peace.
OK...
Oi.
Would you give him one?
What, you mean, apart from the fact
that he's, like, super old?
Yeah, Lolita, apart from that.
Yeah. Why not?
Got you.
It's rude to watch girls eating.
Is it?
Mmm-hmm.
In London maybe.
You see up North, we're right
fucking rude. Yeah, yeah.
We'll watch a girl doing
anything.
Yeah, eating, sleeping...
having a dump.
We call it foreplay.
You're funny.
Yeah. I can be.
Yeah?
Yeah.
I'm a lorry driver.
That's what I do.
Oh...
And what kind of...
What kind of lorries do you drive?
Red lorries, yellow lorries...
And, erm, and where do you
drive these, these, er,
red and yellow lorries to?
Bulgaria mainly.
Mmm, Bulgaria. How interesting!
Am I starting to take
you by surprise, Mia?
No. You're all lorry drivers up
there in the North, aren't you?
Mainly, yes.
Apart from Cheshire.
It's all holding midfielders,
and chlamydia and Maseratis.
You know what a holding midfielder
is? That's pretty cool.
Oh, footballers I've fucked?
I could write the fucking book.
What footballers?
Oh. There was that, um...
..Wayne Bridge incident.
You banged Wayne Bridge?
Do you know what? It's none of my
business.
I wasn't actually listening.
He'd played with Wayne Bridge.
When he was 14.
Oh.
And I only found out
when I was fucking him
in the back of his Toyota and um...
I was just shouting his name,
saying, "Oh, Wayne! Oh, Wayne!
"Put it there, Wayne!"
Silly cow.
The car should have been a clue.
Yeah, when you're drunk,
everything looks like a Porsche.
Even a lorry.
Come on. Tell me what you do?
It's the least interesting
thing about me.
You haven't told me anything about
you. Not really. Have you?
Big deal. You drive lorries, you're
looking for love.
I like to fuck,
I'm...looking for love.
So does everyone get this?
This?
This. Yeah. You know you
don't have to bang me, you know.
I'm not that bothered because
we're having a nice dinner
and we don't hate each other.
Seems like some kind of result when
I think about the rest of my life.
So?
So! Just...
Just tell me something that's
meaningful, something...
Not clever shit or... Just
something. Something that matters.
Come on, something.
You first and then we'll see.
Depending on how
riveting your life is.
Riveting, yeah. It's not that.
OK. Erm...
I got married very young, as it
goes.
You know how it is.
Well, actually I don't. We tend to
wait for puberty down here.
Anyway...
Anyway, anyway.
Erm, Tabitha and I, we, er...
This, girl, Tabitha, erm...
We were together from...
From what? 14?
We went to school
together in Ripley up in Yorkshire.
We got a bit older, you know,
we started going out
and, you know, to clubs,
having sex and...
Yeah, everything was....
You know, it didn't even seem that
much of a big deal
when I asked her to marry me.
It didn't. I mean, she was 17,
I was almost 17 and....
You know, it seemed all right,
it seemed good.
Cos, you know,
I was into her and....
Yeah, I couldn't
believe my luck basically.
This girl Tabitha.
All she had to do
was wiggle her nose, right?
Why do you say that?
Oh, come on. Tabitha the...
The witch from the telly.
Do you want to hear this or not?
I don't mind if...
Sure. No, no, no. Sure. No, sure.
Tabitha, underage sex, Yorkshire.
Go.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, anyway, erm...
So she wanted to move out of the
town
because everyone fucking knows
everybody, it is what it is.
The depot was in Peterborough,
so that's where we went.
Yeah. Got a little house and stuff.
And eventually Tab got a job as,
like, a teaching assistant you know,
so it was easier to work it around
with the kids...
Whoa. OK, wait. You just jumped
a couple of steps.
How many kids do you have?
Oh!
Four. Four girls. Yeah.
Yeah, I'll show you some pictures.
Oh, no, it's OK. Fuck.
What?
Just the four then?
Just the four kids.
Sorry! It's...
What?
It's... You just...
You should just go easy on that
information.
Well, you know what? I kind of don't
give a fuck, so...
Anything else I should know?
I don't know.
See, I think you are too
clever for the world and it's hard
being this beautiful and one step
ahead of everyone all the time.
I think it wears you out.
Because most people,
but men especially,
we kind of lie to you
and you can see straight through it.
It's just a bit shit that you don't
let people see who you really are.
How's that?
Well, aren't you the clever boy?
I'm just making conversation.
Anyway. Shall we get the bill?
It's just my sister's baby-sitting
and she's a bit of a moody
old fucker. I don't like to
leave her too long.
Yeah. Can I have the bill? Cheers.
David?
Yeah?
You did like me, a bit?
Yeah.
I mean, everyone likes me
at first but...
Mia. I like you.
Well, that's good.
I mean, I've totally fucking
screwed this up, I know that.
Screwed it, it's just... I just say
things, you know, sometimes.
Nah, it's the tie.
Lose the tie, honestly.
I fucking hate it,
I don't even know why I wore it.
Yeah, burn it.
Burn it.
Yeah.
Can I tell you something?
What?
You are going to meet a lot of
really stupid women
in the next couple of months.
Just lie more. It's easier.
No. I'm not great at lying.
Yeah. You're not.
You're not great at it.
Well, you better not be faking
all this integrity.
Well, does it matter?
Possibly.
Here you go. Was everything OK?
Oh, yeah, yes. It was great.
Thank you very much.
Here you go...
Er...you can keep the change.
Are you sure?
Yeah, no it's fine.
No, you've been great. Thank you.
Oh, thank you.
No problem at all.
So...
- So you, you've got to get
home to the kids then?
- Yep.
- And baby-sitter and...
- Yeah. Yeah.
One last question though, yeah.
Go on.
What did sexy witchy bitchy
love goddess Tabitha
do to you that was so bad?
Er...
She died, mainly.
Yeah.
Oh, no, right, I...I should've, should
have thought... should've thought of that.
It's OK.
- No, I should have thought. Fuck.
- No, it's all right. It's fine.
It's fine. No, it's...listen, she
just, she got meningitis. That's it.
Oh...
Oh, fuck!
Yeah, sorry, you...you wouldn't
normally get me this stupid.
- I'm just, this dress is...
- It's OK.
..is too tight and the, the shoes
are new and it's making me edgy...
Actually, I'm edgy all the time.
Nothing I can do about that.
Here, look, listen. I can tell you
about it, I can, it's just...
It'll have to be another time.
OK?
Right.
Well, erm... I'm going to...
..I'm going to go to the bathroom.
Why don't you order some...
some creme brulee and some coffee,
and...I'll think of something?
What?
Well, something to tell you.
You've got to work it out?
Well...there's a fair amount
of shit...choice of debacles.
Just give me a minute.
I've had a good time.
Cool.
Fucking shut up.
Shut up.
Shut up.
What?
She left quite a while ago,
actually.
Oh. Oh...
Sorry.
No, it's...
Bugger! Oh, fuck!
Oh...naff off.
Mia, come on.
Come on, that's not fair.
David, I'm, I'm not up for this.
We were getting on, though.
We were getting on fine.
No.
I've really got to go, so...
No, OK, OK, but listen,
I think, I think we had something
going on it there.
Yeah, well, we didn't.
What?
You say that to me. Say it to me.
Turn around and you say it to me.
Say it to my face.
Say what?
There was nothing going on.
- David, you don't even understand.
- Say it!
You have no idea.
Say it!
Bad idea. Bad, bad.
Fuck's sake!
Jesus.
You've not got a fucking clue
what you want, have you?
Not a fucking clue.
Well, don't get too clever about it
cos it's not attractive, right?
Where to, love?
Shad Thames, please.
Fucking nightmare.
Fuck you.
Everyone makes mistakes...
Is this mine?