Darkwing Duck (1991–1992): Season 3, Episode 1 - Monsters R Us - full transcript

Morgana introduces Darkwing to her relatives - who are upset to find out that she is dating a "normal" (or as normal as Darkwing can be in comparison).

♪ Daring duck of mystery ♪

♪ Champion of right ♪

♪ Swoops out of the shadows ♪

♪ Darkwing owns the night ♪

♪ Somewhere some villain schemes ♪

♪ But his number's up ♪

3, 2, 1!

♪ Darkwing Duck ♪

♪ When there's trouble, you call D.W. ♪

♪ Darkwing Duck ♪

Let's get dangerous.

♪ Darkwing Duck ♪

Darkwing, Darkwing... Duck!

♪ Cloud of smoke and he appears ♪

♪ A master of surprise ♪

♪ Who's that cunning mind behind ♪

♪ That shadowy disguise? ♪

♪ Nobody knows for sure ♪

♪ Bad guys are out of luck ♪

♪ Here comes ♪

♪ Darkwing Duck ♪

Look out!

♪ When there's trouble, you call D.W. ♪

♪ Darkwing Duck ♪

Let's get dangerous.

♪ Darkwing Duck ♪

♪ Better watch out, you bad boys! ♪

♪ Darkwing Duck ♪

Oh-o-o-o, my Morgy-Worgy is going to be so-o-o happy

when her Ducky-Wucky pays her a surprise visit.

My love is like a red, red Rose which... whoa!

Yoo-hoo! Morgana!

She must be here. She wouldn't leave the front door unlocked.

Don't worry, D.W. No robber in the world would break into this place.

Maybe she's in here.

Careful, Gos. Leave this to...a professional.

Come on, Dad. She's got to be behind one of these doors.

Well, she's not in the batroom.



Yaahhh! Yaahhh! Yaahhh!

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Yaahhh! Yaahhh! Yaahhh!

Yaa! Huh-huh-huh!

Another spook house!

I...I can't take it anymore!

I will go mad, mad I tell ya!

Launchpad, Launchpad, will you relax?

I will just turn on the light.

Okay, come out, you fiends.

Ehh...tag. You're it.

Okay, wise-ghouls, you asked for it.

Darkwing, what are you doing?

Stand back, Morgana. I will protect you from these horrible monstrosities.

That's no way to talk about my family.

Heh heh. Your family?

Yes. This is where I grew up... Macawber Castle.

- Ahem. Well, I...
- Let's eat him.

But, it's mom's, Skreenie. I mean, you can't just eat a guest.

I mean, ugh!

Meemie's right.

You gotta boil him first.

Cool family!

Care to join me for a little... snack?

Dahh, howdy do?


Ha! Very pleased to slime you! Ha-ha!


I think you'd better go, Dark.

But, Morgana!. Don't you want to introduce your, ah, charming relatives

to your boyfriend?

Boyfriend? Boyfriend? Boyfriend?

Morgana's dating a normal!

Eeeuuww! Eeeuuww! Eeeuuww!

What in the underworld is all this racket?

What are these normals doing in my castle?

They're friends of Morgana's, Maloculo.

And the one in the cape is her boyfriend.


Is this true?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Ah, uh, ah, ah...a hero, such as I,

has no time for romantic entanglements. Hee-hee-hee!

That's fortunate for you

because my darling child, the rotten apple of my eye,

is too good for any normal!

Too good, eh?

Then how do you explain the sweet nothings she whispered in my ear

and the little nip she gave me on my neck? Hmmm?

You necked with my daughter?

I will turn you into a slug!

Or a walrus. Whichever.

Father, stop it! They're my friends.

And I won't have you turning them into anything!

You know I don't approve of normals in my household, Morgana.

Hey, hey! I'm not normal!

You can say that again.

Just look at the way I dress.

Would any normal person be caught dead in this?

Yow! Cut that out!

Slug or walrus... choose your poison.

It's not polite to point, Fella!

Father, if you just got to know Darkwing better, I'm sure he'd grow on you.

If he grew on me, I would burn him off.



Morgana is right. We will give these normals a chance.

They shall dine with us.

Whew! Whew! Whew!

Ohh, thank you, Father.

Come on, Dark. I will give you a tour of the castle.

Keen gear! I want to see the torture chamber!

Oh, what has gotten into you, Maloculo Macawber?

Inviting normal to dinner?

Don't worry, Aunt Nasty.

A little old world hospitality,

and they will be dying to go home.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, hee,hee, hee!

Oh, Mr. Duck, what do you think of our humble abode?

Nice wallpaper.

Your taste?


So, heh heh heh, what's for dinner?

Ha ha ha. Pasta serpentina.

And Transylvanian ghoul-lash.

You will just die for seconds.

Ghoul-lash is Dee-double-licious.

Yum yum yummy!

All right! Let's get gross.

Hey, when in Transylvania, do as the Transylvanians do.

Go ahead, Dark. You don't want to insult Aunt Nasty's cooking.

Well, down the hatch.

What's the matter, Mr. Duck? Too spicy for you?

Not at all. Just like mine.


Then I'm sure you will enjoy a refreshing Phantom Fizz.

May I expose a toast?

To the lovely Morgana.

Say, that's right tasty.

You're trying to scare Darkwing away.

Well, I won't let you.

You should let your daughter choose her own company.

She has impeccable taste.

What she needs is a nice ghoulish boy.

Only then will she find true happiness.

She doesn't want happiness, she wants me.

That didn't sound quite right.

She does not want you. She wants the finer things in life...

To settle in a dank, stinking castle, raising little monsters.

Actually, what I really want is a...

Be quiet!

I know what's best for Mu daughter!

I don't think you do, Zombie!

You normals think you're so smart. You wouldn't last five minutes as a monster.

Oh, yeah? We can do anything you can, and better.

We will see about that.

Oh, yes!

Hey, check out the bolts in my neck.

Keen gear! I'm modular.

Hey, now I don't have a reflection.

But I do have an uncontrollable thirst for...

D.W., I've got a problem!

You've got a problem?

I've got up an urge to bite a mailman.

Change them back this instant, Father!

I will not!

Now they will see what it's like to walk a mile in my chains.

Perhaps it will teach them a little humility.

That does it!

We're getting out of here before I bite somebody.

There's gotta be some gypsy or someone out there who can fix us.


Well, you got what you wanted.

They're heading for the village.

Excellent. Good riddance to... the village?

But we made a pact with the villagers...

They stay on their side of the line, and we stay on ours.

You painted a line between the village and the castle? Oh, that's very mature.

Why couldn't you learn to cooperate with them?

Oh, perfect. You know they will cross the line,

and the villagers will rip them to shreds, it'll be a mess...

Right. Shredded normal... my favorite snack.

You imbecile! When they're done with them, we'll be next!

Oh, my poor Dark!

Hey, Dad, what's this white line for?

Who cares? Probably their weird old world customs.

Now hurry up. We've got to find a gypsy in this village who can cure us,

before this flea thing get any worse.

Gee, D.W., don't you think we might scare somebody?

We're monsters now, remember?

Oh, don't worry, Launchpad. I'm sure these people are used to dealing with monsters.

Ja! You got that right!

If ve know vun ting, it's how to deal with monstahrs.

Gee, dad, they don't seem very scared of us.

Probably, they're used to that old-fashioned Maloculo.

We'll show them what a modern monster can do.

I'm the Terrier that Yaps in the Night.

I'm the schnauzer that digs up your petunias.

I am Darkwolf Dog!

Get ze shtick, boy. Fetchen sie.

Smooth move, dad.

Looks like we'll have to scare 'em off.

Listen, village idiots!

And, why don't you run along before I smoosh ya?

Hey! Watch it with those things!!

You could put an eye out.

You're a blood-thirsty vampire bat! Do something!

Okay, right. I forgot.


I'm a vampire bat.

Blah-blah-blah! Blah-blah-blah!



Shtopen sie!

Shtupids! Ve must go back to ze villitch!

I vill organize a real attack.

Ve vill deshtroy ze monshters unst und vor aahl!

I can never understand a word he says.

Oh, boy!

Uh, we, uh, had a little disagreement with the villagers. Ha-ha-ha!

It was nothing really.

You nitwit normal.

You've violated the pact.

Soon the villagers will attack.

How was I supposta know about your dumb old pact?

Blow up my boyfriend, I will never speak to you.

Oh, very well. Now is not the time for petty recriminations.

We must prepare for battle.

Now you're talking.

I will show those bratwurst-munchin' yahoos

they can't mess with Darkwing... Mmm, Darkwolf!

I'll just formulate a plan with my high-tech strategic mini-computer.

Bah! We never stoop to using the ways of foolish normals.

We'll do this the monster way.

Look, Handsome. Those villagers will wipe you out.

You need the latest in contemporary combat theory.


Smart bombs, computers, sophisticated technology.

We need terror, horror, magic.

Why don't you just talk to the villagers?


You're both acting like two-year-olds.

See what your normal ways have done?

She never back-talked to her daddy before.

We will fight separately.

This battle will prove the superiority of our monster ways.

Well, we'll see about that. C'mon, guys.

Time to work on our combat skills.

Come, Macawbers, time to brush up on our scare tactics.

Ooooo, I'll convince them violence isn't the way

if I have to kill them.

Macawbers, we must make our ancestors proud.

We must scream the impossible scream.

Okay, kiddies, time for monsterobics.

Boo, two, three, four.

C'mon, you deadbeats.

Get the mold out of your socks!

Awww, they make me so proud!

Father, you've got to stop this.

You're acting like...like a monster!

Not now, Morgana. I must turn these spiders into an army of demon warriors.



Give it up, Father. Your magic isn't what it used to be.

Your only hope is so make a new deal with the villagers.

Deal with normals? Don't be ridiculous.

My demon army will make them rue the day

they attacked Macawber castle.

Shoes, eh?

Well, they're mean, nasty shoes.

Grrr! Grrr! Grrr!

Heh. Demon umbrellas... I meant to do that.

My high-tech mini-computer has devised a flawless plan of attack,

making use of the laser-guided glue grenade.

Launchpad, demonstrate the aerial delivery.


As any expert on modern military techniques can tell you,

the key to success is a good trench.


Please keep in mind... burying your father

could adversely affect your allowance.

Dark, Darling.

Morg! Decided to come over to the winning side, huh?

No. I've come to talk you out of this ridiculous fight.

We've got to make peace with the villagers.

We've got to bring the normals and monsters together.

We will bring them together,

just as soon as I prove that my way is better

by whomping those villagers with my modern combat procedures!

Oh, you're as stubborn as my father!

You've got to listen!

Hey, ketchup just isn't cuttin' it, D.W.

I...I don't know how much longer I can hold out long without the real thing.

You've got to learn to control your animal instincts, Launchpad.

Oh, that conceited, arrogant, pig-headed...

Look, if you're that mad,

why don't you just turn him into a water buffalo or something?

No, I've got to make him see the wisdom of diplomacy.

Then turn him into a diplomatic water buffalo.

With this fabulous camouflage, we will be virtually invisible to the enemy.

All right. The mini-computer says don't fire

until we smell the bratwurst on their breath.

Where's the honor in hiding behind leaves?

Looks who's talking... Mister wizard.

Woo. Nice little army you've got there.

Grrr! Grrr! Grrr!

Ooo, I'm so scared.

You'll be all set if it starts raining, huh?

Oh, goodie, goodie! Here come the villagers!

This is it, Normals. Now we separate the men from the monsters.

I'm ready for anything. What can a few pitchfork-toting yahoos

possibly do to Darkwolf Dog?

Except bring about his untimely demise.

Of course, I forgot that one.

For the last time, why don't you just talk to the villagers?

Real men don't talk.

Okay, Macawbers, let's win one for the grim reaper.

Yay! Yay!

Okay, let's get dangerous.

Don't expect me to clean up

after you get splattered across the landscape.

Now using our fabulous camouflage,

we will simply sneak up behind that tank and disable it.

Oh, that is brilliant camouflage, D.W.

You blend right in with the ground!

Umbrellas, attack!

Here they come, D.W.

Dad, don't fetch!

It's a dog's life.

Onward, Macawbers.

We must boldly scare

where no one has scared before.

Yeah! Yeah!

Uhh! Uhh!

Uh-oh! Go boom time.

Don't you understand it? They used to be terrified of us.

What are we gonna do?

I told you what you've go to do! You've got to bring the normals and the monsters together.

No, let's bring the normals and the monsters together.

- Of course! You and I will work together...
- And smash those villagers into a disgusting pulp.

- Shake.
- Good one.

Thanks, Morgy-baby.

That's not what I meant. I...

Charge! Charge!

That's it! I've had it!

I think Morgana's upset.

Bah! You should have see her when she was stood up at the prom!

You blockheads are gonna listen to me, if I have to blow you to smithereens.

You don't really want to attack my family, do you?

No! No vay! Nope! Not a chance.

And you don't really want to hurt these poor innocent villagers, do you?

No! No! No! Huh-uh! No! No! No! Huh-uh! Nope!

Good. In that case,

I have a plan that just might make everyone happy.

Come und see ze vorld's greatest tourisht attraction...

Monshter castle.

Next castle attack in fifteen minutes.

Well, being the top vacation spot in Transylvania is a little noisy,

but it does have its advantages.

Look, whadoyasay we call a truce?

I accept.

Now, uh, hee-hee...how about making with the magic, Pal?

I can't go home looking like Winky the Wonder Dog, can I?

Consider it done.


Wait will I get back to normal,

you double-crossing, no good...

♪ Darkwing Duck ♪

♪ Darkwing Duck ♪

♪ Darkwing Duck ♪

♪ Darkwing Duck ♪